Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Good work today, Iseya-kun. Get home safe, okay?”

“Of course. You take care as well. Good work.”

Nao sighed as he closed up the register after his shift. It had been a long day, the shop was slow, it was pouring hard outside, and he still had a mountain of homework to get through. He managed to find balance over the past couple of months, but today was one of those days. Where the work got too much too fast, and he couldn’t keep up. So knowing he couldn’t rest once he got home only filled him with more anxiety. 

Looking up, he stared at the warming vent next to him with disgust. He didn’t want to use his free meal on that thing again. But it was the only warm food they offered at the moment. Because he knew very well that he wouldn’t be arsed to use the microwave once he got home. Taking the tongs, he fished out a piece of fried chicken and a bread roll, and placed them in the paper bags. Sighing again, he put the food in his bag before reaching for his jacket on the floor. It was then he realized he had forgotten his umbrella. Sure his house was around the corner, but the rain was far too heavy to quickly avoid. 

Pulling the jacket over his head, Nao rushed out of the store and made a run for it. Barely dodging the people around him, he managed to get to a more protected area of the sidewalk and continue his way home in peace. Well, as peaceful as this walk could be, now that he was wet and tired. He wasn’t as fast as he used to be. But at least he was closer. Just a few more minutes and he’d be inside. That alone was enough for him to ignore how tired he was and the workload ahead of him. 

Anything to ignore what was going on.

When he got home – well if he could really call it home, it was more of a place of residence than an actual home – he opened the mailbox. It was empty. To most people, this was a good sign, to Nao, this was a sign that the bills coming tomorrow are going to put a dent in his savings. Again. Not that he had much to begin with, but he was hoping the bills came today so he could be over it already. He hated when they came in late. All it did was fill him with more dread. 

Kicking off his shoes as he stepped inside, it was empty again. Nothing new there. As he treaded upstairs, he tried to forget what was lying ahead. Unfortunately, he couldn’t forget. Now that he was inside and had time to process what he needed to do. So instead of dwelling on it further, he dumped his things onto the table and sorted out his work. The faster he got it done, the sooner he could sleep.

He was thankful he was a good student…

*

“Souta! How is it possible, after all this studying, you still can’t get past 50 points on your exams?!”

“I-I’m so-”

“Enough of the sorry! You excel in every subject but math!”

“I know, but-”

“But what? What could you possibly say at this point? We spend hours every week on this crap and you still can’t do it! I quit!” 

“Wait-” But before Souta could say anything, his now ex-tutor was already out the door. Leaving him alone in the study room. 

He didn’t mean to do so poorly. He really did try the best he could. He put off all his activities and hobbies to take care of this exam. In fact, he was certain he would pass until the test came in front of him. Like a lightbulb, his brain switched off and he had forgotten everything he had learned over the past few weeks. He couldn’t remember what he put down for any of the answers, all he did remember, however, was the nerve-wracking panic that took over his body. By the time he had returned to Earth, the test was turned in and he was in the hallway as his classmates walked around him. 

Now here Souta was, abandoned by his tutor like all the others before him. Once his parents heard another one left they might actually punish him this time. They had been incredibly lenient over the past few months, knowing that math was never his strongest suit. But this tutor had promised he would get Souta to where he needed to be. They had hope. Souta had hope. And for a while, it really did seem like they were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Except the light was actually a train coming at full speed. 

And the train was reality, reminding him he would never be decent enough at math to actually pass his exams. All he needed was a fifty and he would be set. Just a measly fifty. That was all he needed so he wouldn’t have to retake his exams, again. But the stars misaligned just enough for him to score a fourty-nine. One point. One point and he would have been set. Instead it was one point that led to his tutor leaving and another unreasonable amount of money down the drain. Again. 

Banging his head on the table, Souta was over it. He was never going to be a math genius. Not that he ever wanted to be one, but it would be nice if he was good enough to not have this problem a thousand times a year. He just didn’t understand, what was it about math, from every other subject, that was so hard to grasp? It was just numbers, wasn’t it? That shouldn’t take years, several dozen tutors and tears to understand. Yet, that was Souta’s embarrassing reality. The guy who was too stupid to figure out simple math. 

*

Another day, another wasted effort to get rid of the dread. 

Nao wasn’t sure what to do at this point. He works all the time, keeps up with school, and it never seems like he can comfortably get through the month. He can’t work full time, it’s practically impossible. The odd side jobs are a dime a dozen, so he can never rely on that to make ends meet. He used to have help from his sister, but even she ended up being strapped for cash, being away for university and all. 

He always considered her lucky. She studied hard enough to get a full scholarship into the school of her dreams. Which meant she barely had to pay as long as she kept up with her grades and other things Nao couldn’t remember. When they would talk on the phone, she always mentioned feeling guilty for not helping as much as she could anymore. And he always assured her it was okay, she had her own things to deal with. 

Emi doesn’t call anymore.

He wasn’t sure how he had gotten this far without collapsing, but it was nothing short of a miracle. Not that he really believed in any miracles. If he was able to summon a lifetime’s worth of money and pay off everything, then he would believe in them. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the unruly powers of Gilgamesh to do any of that. Instead, he needed to find a stable solution to an unstable problem. 

What it could be, he doesn’t really know. He’s done a lot of things in the past: Passing out newspapers (though, newspapers started to dwindle in use, so he had to quit); gardening for his neighbors (they ended up hiring professionals); manning stands at a local farmer’s market (farmer’s markets only happen between the spring and summer, so he couldn’t count on money during the winter); and among other things until he found himself working part time at the convenience store. 

It made him some money, enough to cover what he could, but it wasn’t enough to keep him above water. But what was something he could do? There weren’t many flexible jobs that he could do between school and the store. On top of that, he was far too young for many of them. Not that he could do anything to really remedy that flaw. Time can only move so fast after all. 

Scanning the dark room, he surveyed what he knew that could help. 

Music? No. He would rather not perform in front of anyone.

Art? He can’t draw.

Cleaning? He already does enough at the store.

…Babysitting? No. That falls under cleaning. And being responsible for a kid is a lot.

When he eyed his messy pile of homework, it hit him. 

Tutoring. 

He could tutor people after school. He wasn’t the greatest teacher, but he understood the concepts and lessons from class. And he always overheard people mentioning they were struggling. He could charge a small fee for however many lessons until they were set. He never considered tutoring before and he guessed he was too burnt out from school to think about it. But it was a pretty solid idea. 

Now all he had to do was figure out how to tell people without drawing so much attention to himself…

*

So the talk with his parents went as well as he expected.

Which meant it went horribly wrong.

At first, they were somewhat understanding, but when he had to explain the tutor had quit, they were furious. The lectures and yelling were blurred in his memory, but he could never forget how tired and disappointed they were. The only thing he remembered was how this was quickly becoming a waste of money and he needed to figure it out. Because unfortunately, money does not solve all problems. Not that Souta believed in such, but it was a sad reminder that it didn’t. To make matters worse, the card he had been worried they would pull all this time was out: Soccer summer camp was off the table. 

Souta begged for them to reconsider, his grades in all the other subjects were fine, couldn’t they let off math for once? He still managed to be at the top fifty of the exam lists, he was fine! Who cares if he wasn’t stellar at math? He wasn’t going to need it in the future anyway! Even if soccer didn’t work out, most things only required basic stuff! He doesn’t need all these theorems or whatever to make it through the world! Who cares!

His parents did.

So they gave him one more chance. He had to find a tutor who wouldn’t bail on him. And he had to actually pass his next math exam with something much higher than the fifty they had set previously. Souta argued that tutors aren’t miracle workers, how could someone possibly make him any better than before? His mom looked him dead in the eye and asked him if he didn’t want to go to camp after all. Souta caved in immediately after. 

Feeling hopeless, he spent the evening scouring the internet for the best math tutors in the area. Unfortunately, most of them were ones he had already worked with and failed. He texted Keisuke if he knew of anyone. Keisuke said no, but he’ll look out for anything. Tossing his phone aside, Souta was tired. He didn’t want it to get to this point. It was far too much to handle and the fact it continues to hover over his head means he may never be free. But he was a little bit determined to find someone who could help him. There had to be someone out there who could. Who would. 

Come the next day at school, he asked around if anyone knew of a good tutor. Most people either said no or refused to hand over a number. Apparently gatekeeping tutors was a thing. Souta didn’t understand why someone would hide who their tutor was. It wasn’t like he was gonna steal them or anything. He was too exhausted from the endless rotation of tutors to consider stealing anyone. 

“Souta! Souta!” Keisuke, who never bolted in school, came hurtling towards him at the end of the day, yelling.

“Keisuke?! What’s wrong?” Souta asked, concerned.

“I found someone!”

“A girlfriend?”

His eyes nearly popped out his sockets. “The hell? No! I found a tutor for you!”

Now it was Souta’s turn to have his eyes pop out of their sockets. “Wait really? Who is it? Do I know them?”

“Eh…Kind of? You know Iseya Nao?”

Souta was a tad bit confused, Iseya Nao sat at the front of their class, was very quiet, and seemed constantly tired. That was all he knew. 

“Sort of? Is he any good at math?”

“Yeah. Really good. I overheard he was looking to offer math help to anyone who needed it. You’d have to pay though.”

“That’s not an issue and you know it. Where can I find him?”

“Not sure. But the library should be your best bet.” 

“I’ll try and find him then. Thanks, Keisuke.” Souta then picked up his bag and started making his way to the library.

“Anytime. Hope it works out,” Keisuke called out. Souta waved back without so much as turning around.

Souta didn’t have many hopes in life, he tried to keep his expectations low. But somehow, he had a feeling Iseya might be the key to finally getting over the math hurdle he had been stuck behind for so long. But of course he did have to talk with this guy to really know if this was going to be worth it. Pushing the library doors, he quickly scanned the room. He knew what Iseya looked like, but in such a large library, it was hard to find anyone. 

But eventually he found someone in the corner of the table section flipping through their notes mindlessly. Souta figured that must be him. Walking up, the person was definitely Iseya. For that, he was relieved. But Iseya didn’t really look up from his papers, seemingly not realizing there was a whole person standing over him.

“Hi.” Souta spoke carefully.

It apparently startled him, but Iseya looked up and nodded, “Hi. Are you here for math help?”

“I am. I heard you were offering.” Souta took a seat in the chair in front of him.

“Yeah. But I didn’t think anyone would show up.”

“Well, you are in the corner of the library, kinda hard for people to show up if they don’t know where you are, haha.” Souta’s attempt to lighten the mood didn’t really land, as Iseya’s face remained unchanged.

“Well, what do you need help with?”

“...Everything,” Souta replied sheepishly.

“Everything?” Iseya raised an eyebrow at him.

“Everything.”

“Describe everything.”

“I’m really, really bad at math. As in ‘I can’t get a fifty on a test’ bad at math.”

“How is that even possible?”

“Are you here to help or mock me?”

“No. I’m just confused. That can’t be possible!”

“Well if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here!”

“Do you want help or not?!”

“What are you being such an asshole for?!”

“I wasn’t the one who-Gaah! Whatever. You can either stay or get out.” Iseya dropped his head onto the table and sighed. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just been really frustrating…” Souta sulked in his chair as he apologized.

“I can imagine.”

“How? You’re great enough at math to tutor others.”

“I-Ah. Nevermind. Let’s start with the basics, shall we?” Iseya cut the conversation short as he pulled out his notes and a blank piece of paper. 

“The basics?”

“You said you had trouble with everything. So we’re starting from the beginning.” He handed Souta the piece of paper.

Souta awkwardly took the piece of paper and proceeded to stare at it. He wasn’t sure where to start, and Iseya seemed to be waiting for him. To be honest, he didn’t really know what the ‘basics’ were. All the math information he had were jumbled messes that barely made any sense. But he didn’t want to disappoint Iseya for some reason. 

“Okay, let me help you.” Iseya took out some notes and flipped to a page with some equations Souta didn’t remember.

From there on, he guided Souta through the equations, their meanings, how to solve them and variations he may come across. Souta had never interacted with this guy before, but he was talking to him as if they were old friends. The information, for once, was actually sticking in his brain. The numbers, equations, and explanations made sense in a way he never thought were possible. It was coming to him so easily. Too easily.

Souta has had countless tutors over the years. Many were frustrated with his inability to understand. The ones who weren’t, had been so mentally drained that they would quit after a few sessions. The closest Souta had to success was with a tutor who was so full of shit that it didn’t matter how good he was. Souta had enough of his attitude and got rid of him soon after. Souta didn’t remember his name, but he remembered his face being very punchable. 

Iseya on the other hand, was none of those things. He took the time to walk Souta through things other tutors had fallen short on. He allowed Souta to make mistakes and learn how to fix them. The previous tutors never did anything close to that for him. He was actually learning, he was…actually improving. Of course he still had a long way to go, but if one lesson was enough to change his understanding, then he saw a road of progress ahead of him. 

“Okay, I think we can stop here for today,” Iseya said as he noticed the chapter notes had ended.

“Thank you.”

“Hm?”

“Thank you for helping me. It-It really means a lot. No one has ever done this for me.”

“Really?”

Souta laughed, “Yeah. They always gave up before I got anywhere.”

“That’s stupid of them,” Iseya muttered.

“Nah. I can’t blame them. I’m way too stu-”

“You aren’t stupid.”

Souta stared at him wide eyed. “Huh?”

“You aren’t stupid,” he repeated.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because it’s clear you can understand math, but whoever taught you before did such a shit job at it. They didn’t understand that you don’t learn the same way others do.” 

“But how did you know?”

“Instincts, I guess.” Iseya only shrugged, but his eyes told a different story. One Souta couldn’t read just yet. Was he blushing?

‘I see…Well. Thank you so much. How much do I owe you?” Souta asked as he fished out his wallet.

Iseya almost seemed surprised, “Oh right. It’ll be 5000 yen. If that’s okay.”

“Not bad. I had way worse charge more.” Souta handed over the money with no hesitation.

“Hey, this is way-” Iseya’s eyes nearly popped out at the amount.

“Consider it a gift. You really helped me today.” Souta smiled at him.

“Are you sure-”

“Positive. Really. Keep it.” 

Before Iseya could protest any more, Souta picked up his things and waved goodbye. He’d never been excited to tell his parents how a session went before, but now he was racing home to tell them the good news. That there was actually someone who taught him, understood him, and listened to him. That he might actually be able to pass math for once!

Souta had never believed in miracles or the stars aligning, but he was willing to this time.

…

He never told Iseya his name.

*

Nao never in a million years considered he would interact with him. 

He had seen him in the halls, they shared the same class, and Souta was very, very loud. Too loud, but not enough to truly bother him. After talking with him one on one for the first time, he wasn’t as bad as Nao had imagined. Well he was a bit annoying, but he’ll look past it. Something told him that there will be many more study sessions to come.

Looking at the money Souta left, Nao still couldn’t believe his eyes. It was nearly double what he had asked for and Souta showed no issue with it. Did he know that he just paid off his bills for the month? Did he know that Nao now had enough spare money to put into savings? Did he know just how insane it is to just drop that much money on a tutoring session? Especially after trashing the previous tutors for their awful prices?!

Did Souta even know what he’s done?!

But Nao wasn’t about to complain. If someone this kind and generous was in his hands, he wasn’t about to ruin all that with his confusion. The best course of action was to take the money and continue on as if nothing happened. Well, he can’t go on as if nothing happened. Because he was just given a nearly life-saving amount of money for one measly tutoring session! 

There was nothing small about this at all. This wasn’t nothing, this was a very big, something. Nao couldn’t think – or well, he couldn’t allow himself to think. If he did, he might chase Souta down and hand back the money with no warning. Thankfully, he was too glued to his seat to attempt anything drastic. Calming down a bit, Nao took a big breath and sighed. Despite the rough start, everything went well and now he’s set for the rest of the month. He had to find a way to show his thanks to Souta, but that would have to come later.

Picking up his things, he slid them into his bag and finally made his way out of the library. The halls were quiet, Nao liked it that way. He enjoyed exploring the school when there weren’t any people around to hog his vision. The soft click of his shoes against the tiles brought forth a sense of peace he hadn’t felt in a while. It was nice. This was nice. 

As he made it to the front gates of the school, Nao looked up at the night sky; the stars were brighter than usual. He always heard about wishing on stars and dreams coming true and all. He didn’t believe in it, seeing how his situation had been up until this point. But for today, and maybe for the foreseeable future, he wished upon the stars. 

Please let him stick around. 

*

And so the weeks went by. 

Souta met with Iseya twice a week to study and review concepts. Every once in a while, Souta would gleefully come back with a mock exam that was better than the last. He was finally seeing the improvement he was promised for so long. Sure he wasn’t the genius some had expected him to be, but he was finally above disappointment. And that alone was enough to keep Souta going as midterms approached him.

That wasn’t to say that Souta wasn’t worried about midterms. They were nothing like the mock exams or quizzes he’d seen before. There was always a curveball thrown at him just when he thought he got everything down. But now that he has Iseya, someone who actually believes in him, he can look out for those curveballs. 

Sigh. Only one more week before summer break. 

“Hey, you okay?” Iseya’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “I’ve been trying to get your attention for the past two minutes.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I was just thinking about stuff. What were you saying?” Souta picked up a random sheet and hoped whatever was on it was what Iseya wanted to show him.

“I was going to ask you if you remembered how to solve this equation.” Switching the paper out of Souta’s hand, he handed over a different one that had various quadratics on it.

Souta hated quadratic equations. 

“Oh. Of course,” Souta gritted through his teeth as he picked up a pen and started solving.

“Still having issues with those?” Iseya snickered. 

“No. I’ve just always hated them. They’re an evil upon this earth.”

“What have they ever done to you?”

“Exist.”

“Cold.”

“You’d understand if these horrid things have been tormenting you since middle school.”

“I suppose so.” Iseya only shrugged as he went back to watching Souta solve. 

“And done!” Souta threw his pen across the table, only to be stopped by a book on the other end.

Iseya nodded as he went over his work. “Good job. But you missed a negative here, so try to be a bit more careful.”

“These things should be more careful,” Souta hissed.

“You act like they’ve killed your family or something.” 

“They might as well have.”

“I admire the hatred you have for math despite all the improvement.”

“I will hate math until the end of my days.”

“That’s some strong-willed dedication.”

“Thank you. If I can’t be great at math, I will be great at hating it.” Iseya laughed at his declaration of hatred before moving on to the next problem.

Iseya seemed so different from the first time he met him. He remembers him being closed off and mostly neutral in anything he said. Souta hardly recalls any emotions coming out of the guy. He was afraid to pry in if it ended up being a sore subject, but as time went on, and the more time they spent together, Souta noticed there was a light coming back to his eyes. He talked more, laughed more, and in class he seemed to participate more. Souta wasn’t sure why he was so focused on this shut-in of a guy, but he wasn’t about to stop. After all, Iseya was the reason he even has any confidence in math now. 

He never heard much about him either. The most he knew was that he just never talked to anyone. Souta barely knew the guy existed half of the time. Which is why the past few weeks have been eye-opening for him. He could no longer ignore his existence. He couldn’t not notice the little things like when he taps his pen on the table or how his eyes wrinkle when he’s think-

Hold on, what is he doing!?

W-Was this normal? This wasn’t normal! 

They’re barely even friends! Why was he noticing all these-

Wait. Are they friends? Should he ask? What if he says no and Souta had been hallucinating this whole time? 

Quickly shifting his sight to Iseya, who was thankfully still focused on the sheet, he immediately noticed a beauty mark peeking through his hair. Feeling his face heat up, he turned his sight back to the table just as quickly. Oh no. What’s happening? Why am I feeling like this? When did I start feeling like this? I’ve never felt like this before! Souta felt the internal panic rise as he tried his hardest not to let Iseya know. Because if he did, Souta would have to explain himself, and he did not know how to explain himself. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been spacing out a lot.” The concerned look on Iseya’s face made his heart flare up. This was not good.

“O-Oh! Y-Yeah! I’m fine! Totally fine! Hahahaha-...Aaaaahh.” Souta couldn’t keep the facade for as long as he hoped. 

Iseya only frowned at him.

“I’m sorry. My mind’s all over the place and I don’t know why,” he replied as he sulked into his chair.

“If you want, we can stop here for today.”

“I can’t do that. Midterms are next week and I can’t risk falling back now!”

“Yes, but if you don’t get any rest then it’ll only get worse.” Iseya allowed the book closing to finish off his point.

“I guess so. I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be. It can happen to anyone.”

“Even you?”

Iseya raised an eyebrow. “Even me. What makes you think I don’t get stressed?”

“I-I don’t know. You just seem like you have it easy.”

Iseya’s eyes darkened as he hastily shoved his things in his bag. Souta was worried he must have hit a nerve. But Iseya assured him it wasn’t anything against him. However, it didn’t calm Souta down, but there wasn’t much he could do or say at that point. Souta paid for the session and Iseya left soon after. Leaving Souta alone with his thoughts in the worst way. 

He didn’t mean to insult him, but it seems that was what he accomplished anyhow. So there was another issue on top of his ever-growing pile of things to overthink about. And of course it had to be another Iseya related issue. He wasn’t going to address the first issue, at least not until midterms were over. And then he’ll have summer camp, away from Iseya, which should hopefully clear his mind. If that doesn’t work…ah he’ll figure it out later.

I’m not feeling that way about him, am I?

*

The bills came in again. 

Nao was over it at this point, but Souta had paid him well today, so he grabbed an envelope and placed the money inside. The company still hadn’t switched over to electronic payments and he was running out of envelopes. But at least he could afford to get more now. He’ll have to stop by the store after school tomorrow, seeing as he doesn’t have to get to work until later in the day. 

Then he wondered if he should get Souta a gift. It was because of him his life had improved so much financially. Of course, Souta didn’t know that and Nao intended to keep it that way. The last thing he wanted was to have pity money. He already had enough of that bullshit in the past. Not that he thinks Souta would do that to him, but it was best to avoid it altogether.

Speaking of Souta, what was that earlier? Nao knew he was kinda weird, but this was beyond the usual type of weird that Souta displayed on a regular basis. He was spacing out, his face reddened, and he started mincing his words. It almost seemed like Souta was overheating and needed a reboot. There was no way it was stress like he claimed, he was fine when they were talking about midterms the other day. But Nao couldn’t pinpoint what it could be. And he didn’t want to chalk it up to Souta being weird. There had to be something else.

There was always something else. 

*

What was wrong with him?!

What was happening to him?!

When did this start happening?!

Souta had been pacing in his room ever since he got home from school. His mind was running faster than he could keep up with. What was that back at the library? Why was he thinking about Iseya like that? He’s his tutor for fuck’s sake! He shouldn’t be thinking of his tutor like that. That wasn’t right. Souta never felt this way towards any of his previous tutors. Not even the really hot girl who always wore low cut tops made him feel like this. 

And it wasn’t like Iseya was anything special, right? Sure he was the first tutor that made him understand math, the first one to be patient with him, the first one to laugh at his dumb jokes…The…The…The…

Huh. 

Maybe there was something going on. 

But this still wasn’t right! 

He couldn’t feel this way about him! Not when midterms are so soon and he needed to focus! And why was he falling for a guy anyway? He never had an interest in guys before! So where did this even come from? Did Iseya somehow surpass every checkpoint and make his way into his heart or something? Was there enough time between now and their next session to get rid of this? Souta quickly checked his calendar and their next one was the day before exams. Which ended up being Monday. Today was Thursday. Which meant he had a weekend to get over him. Should be easy enough, right?

Sunday Evening:

He didn’t manage to get over Iseya.

In fact, he may have fallen harder for him.

He’s screwed. 

But it’s not the end of the world right? Just because he suddenly got this brand new crush on a guy he’s only known for three months doesn’t mean his life was over, right? He can manage, he’s seventeen! He’s a big boy now! He has to put on his big boy pants and deal with these big boy feelings like a big boy! That was far too many ‘big boy’s in one thought. 

Sighing, he sank into his bed and stared at the faded glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling. What was he going to do? He couldn’t tell Iseya how he felt. That was already off the table before he even thought about it. He couldn’t exactly bury his feelings either. It was pretty obvious that tomorrow was going to pose a challenge. He can’t avoid him, he can’t not look at him, he didn’t have many options to go by here. But at the end of the day, it was just a crush. Even if it’s awkward for a while, he’ll get through it. 

However, he still couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with him. Does Iseya like touch? He doesn’t seem very keen on people being near him. But he seemed fine with Souta. Would he like going on dates? Iseya always mentions being busy with things, so maybe dates wouldn’t be frequent. What would they do if they dated? Souta couldn’t think of anything for a moment before his mind took a left turn and suddenly he was screaming into his pillow. 

He wasn’t going to think about that. 

It was too soon.

Good night.

*

He’s late.

Souta was never late to any of their sessions. He remembers texting him a reminder that morning to ensure he didn’t forget. And of course, he knew Souta had been stressing about midterms and the last session before them is usually the most crucial. So here Nao was, it was well past school ending, and Souta was nearly fifteen minutes late. 

So where was he?

Nao tried to go back through his memory to remember if anything happened today that made Souta bail. They couldn’t talk much today because it had been particularly busy, so he had counted on this to catch up on anything. Apparently it was wrong to count on it seeing as Souta was nowhere to be found. Nao tried scanning the library again; there was no orange haired boy in sight. Sighing, he got up and went to the front and opened the doors. Another quick scan showed nothing. 

Frowning, he stepped out and tried examining the hallways for anyone. Most people had left, so if he saw anyone it was either a teacher or Souta. He was really hoping for the latter. After a few more minutes of scouring the halls, Nao considered giving up. That was, until he saw someone move quickly out of the corner of his eye. He could barely make out the person, but the bright auburn hair was enough for him to make the move.

Souta was a lot faster than he had anticipated. Nao knew he was on the soccer team, so that must be where all the speed was coming from. Meanwhile, Nao was having trouble catching up. But eventually, after several rounds around the upper corridor, he ran Souta into a corner and trapped him in. Souta didn’t dare to turn around, but Nao knew from behind that his face was burning red and his body was shaking.

“You have some nerve to stress about exams and then bail on the last session before them,” Nao whispered into Souta’s ear.

“I-I didn’t mean to…” Souta whimpered, which shocked Nao. This was new.

“Define, ‘Didn’t mean to’, please.”

“W-Well. I-I. Well. Y-You see-” Souta stumbled over his words and nothing seemed to be coherent. From what Nao could see, Souta was only turning redder. 

Sighing, he asked, “Are you okay? This is a lot of effort to avoid someone, you know?”

Souta didn’t respond immediately, instead opted to lean his head against the wall and attempted to calm himself down. 

Nao wasn’t sure what to do. He’d never tried to comfort anyone before, especially not someone who was seemingly freaking out for no reason. All he could do was watch Souta take deep breaths and murmur random phrases to himself. The way Souta’s body moved was fascinating to him. With every deep breath, his shoulders would move up in a weird, but intriguing way. Almost like he was trying his hardest to stretch them as far as he could without spraining. When he exhaled, he seemed relaxed until the next massive inhale. Like he was lying in bed at night. Nao could watch it all day if he could.

“Okay. I think I’m good now,” Souta finally sighed after a couple minutes. But he still refused to turn and face Nao.

“You sure?” Souta ended up jumping at his question. 

Nao forgot he was still directly behind him.

“Y-Yeah!” Souta turned around and Nao got a good look at two things: How red Souta’s face was and how close their faces were. He almost started heating up himself. 

They were staring at each other for a bit too long.

Nao was starting to get lost in Souta’s eyes. If he didn’t know any better-

“We should get going now.” Souta pushed past him and made his way to the library. 

Nao was left in a weird daze, he wanted to comprehend the last few minutes. But every time he did, he felt his face getting warmer. Shaking off the memory, he quickly followed Souta back to the library. They had midterms to focus on, this wasn’t the time to get distracted. Pushing the doors, he found Souta was already seated in their spot. That was fast. He made his way over and sat down opposite him. When he tried to make eye contact, Souta quickly turned his head away, face reddening more than before. 

This was going to be a really long session. 

Nao didn’t want things to be this way. But the entire time, Souta was making quick work of doing everything as fast as he could. The equations? Done in the blink of an eye. Reviewing answers? He already knows they’re all correct. Vocabulary? Already memorized. Nao could barely get a word in before Souta would cut him off with his work already done. The conversations were short, snappy and, frankly, a little insulting. It felt like there was nothing Nao could do in order to bring things back to the way they were. 

And before he knew it, the session was over. Souta had paid him extra, apologized for being late, and left without another word. Once again, Nao was left alone at the table, confused as ever. Did he do something wrong? Was what happened in the hallway too much for Souta? Or was it something else he hadn’t considered before? But what else was there to consider? This wasn’t general nervousness for exams, this wasn’t being stressed, he wasn’t sure what he could have done wrong, and now he was running out of ideas. 

Sinking into the chair, he really hoped that Souta wasn’t starting to dislike him or anything. Sure he was strictly his tutor most of the time, but he thought they were at least becoming friends. It wasn’t too much to hope, right? Nao couldn’t remember the last time he had any real friends, and here he was, making the mistake thinking that the guy he had been helping with math liked him. He didn’t want to think otherwise, but lately it felt like it was pointing in that direction.

Souta was his friend.

Right?

Maybe not.

*

Midterms had arrived.

Souta was nervous as hell. 

His hands were sweating.

His face was sweating.

His brain was sweating. 

Sure he was prepared and all, but to say he wasn’t five seconds away from a possible mental breakdown would be a total lie. He had studied more after he got home last night, and it seemed fine then. When he woke up this morning, the anxiety and stress had hit him all at once. He felt he couldn’t do anything without shaking or attempting to do it all really fast. Souta calmed down a bit on the train to school, but as soon as the building came into view, it was over. He was freaking out despite having no reason to freak out.

When he sat down at his desk, his jitters radiated through the wood. Why was he doing all this? He’ll be fine! He studied! He knows everything! It’ll be okay! There was no reason to be like-

“Hey. Are you ready?”

Oh.

Oh now he remembers why he was actually nervous.

Nao was standing by his desk with a confused look on his face. Turns out it wasn’t midterms or any related stress-It was Nao. The guy he had unwillingly garnered a massive crush over the course of the last few weeks. The guy he started seeing in his dreams, imagining dates, doing couple stuff, and who had sent his once okay-ish brain into a frenzy. The guy who turns his face red simply by existing and he didn’t like it. 

And apparently, his face was very red right now.

“Are you alright? Your face is heating up.” Nao held a hand to his forehead and it felt like Souta was struck by lightning. 

Smacking his hand away, Souta felt like he was moments from passing out. “Of course! I’m fine! Really! You should get going, they’re going to start soon!” 

Ushering Nao away, Souta sat back down, he was not well.

Wait, when did he start calling him, ‘Nao’?!

“What was that?” Keisuke asked as he came up to his seat.

Sighing, for a moment, all his nerves calmed down. “Nothing. I’ve just been a bit stressed. But I’ll be okay.”

Keisuke didn’t seem convinced, but didn’t press further.

Souta wasn’t convinced either.

But before he could think any further, they started calling for the exam to start.

Let’s do this.

*

So now what?

That was Nao’s first thought when he left the classroom after the last exam. It wasn’t in the sense of what he does now that summer break is just around the corner, but what would his time with Souta be moving forward. Yes, there was the very obvious idea that Souta would still need help in the future. But how often? What if it’s only quick questions here and there? What if Souta stops talking to him altogether? The thought alone made Nao a lot more depressed than he thought he would be.

On top of that, what was Nao supposed to do about money? Souta was his only consistent session, as everyone else were one offs’ or only needed a couple lessons before they were set. And those people didn’t pay nearly as well as Souta did. Don’t get him wrong, he doesn’t want to keep Souta for the money. Souta had, at least to him, become an important person in his life and Nao would hate to lose him. But he doesn’t know how to keep him.

Of course, Souta has his own life and friends and that’s completely fine! But was it truly that selfish to want him to stay in his life? They’ve become quite close over the past couple of weeks that Nao had legitimately considered him a friend. But did Souta see him as a friend? Or was he always just a tutor/classmate to him? If that was the case, what was Nao supposed to do when Souta eventually leaves him behind? Would it just show he was wrong in thinking there would be more to their relationship? 

Was it wrong to feel this way? Especially about someone who may not even see him as anything more than help?

When he looked down the hallway, he saw Souta with his friends. They were laughing and talking about some festival they wanted to go to later that day. They were having fun, making plans and enjoying life. All the things Nao hadn’t gotten to experience in a long time. All the things Nao wouldn’t get to do with Souta even if he tried. Because at the end of the day, he didn’t have a place in Souta’s life. He wasn’t his friend. He was barely even an acquaintance. And he was never going to be anything more.

That was probably the worst thing out of all of it. 

*

“Iseya, I’m sorry, but we can’t be friends.”

“Huh? What? Why?”

“Because you’re just using me for money.”

“What makes you think that?!”

“Isn’t it obvious? You never talk with me outside those sessions. The times where you’re making money.”

“But-”

“But what? Tell me one time you tried to talk to me that wasn’t about school or money. I’ll wait.”

Nao didn’t have anything to say.

“Told you. Now leave me alone. I’d rather not be friends with someone who only wants me for my money.”

“Souta, wait!”

“Who gave you the right to call me by my given name? Stop with that.”

Souta then disappeared from his view.

Nao woke up in a cold sweat. He was still in his room. There was no Souta. No rejection. There was nothing for him to fear at the moment. But that still didn’t calm down the intense rhythm of his heart. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was something else, but that nightmare certainly came from the deepest trenches of his mind. He felt like he was going crazy. And perhaps he was. When he grabbed his phone and dialed one of the few numbers he saved, he was certain there was something wrong with him.

“Hello?” The voice on the other end made his heart race faster.

“Souta?” 

“Nao?” And now his heart was sent into orbit. He never thought hearing his own name would do this.

“What are you doing right now?”

“Nothing. Why?”

“Can I see you?”

“What?”

“I want to see you.”

“Nao, it’s 11 PM.”

“And?”

“Where do you want me to meet you?”

“Bus stop.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

Hanging up, Nao was certain he was absolutely losing his mind. 

Then he stared at his phone screen and realized he never dialed anything.

That phone call wasn’t real.

*

Days later:

Scores were out. 

Souta was sweating his mind out. 

He’s been sweating a lot lately, hasn’t he?

But this was important! He must sweat!

…

Anyways, the board was on the other end of the hall. He was absolutely not ready to see his score. If he failed math again, he was going to jump out the window. If he makes it somehow, please let him die. That would be his sole wish. Tell his parents he loves them and he’s very sorry for failing. Tell his siblings they can’t sell his stuff. Tell Keisuke he’s sorry he has to deal with Takeo alone. Tell Nao he lo-

So he is very certain he will die if this doesn’t go well.

But eventually he slowly worked up the courage to walk up to the board. By taking very small baby steps. At the pace he’s moving, he may make it by lunchtime. Unfortunately, Takeo came out of nowhere and dragged him to the end of the hall. The only good thing about that was now he could get it out of the way. And so the search commenced. His name wasn’t in the usual spot. So he shifted towards the lower scores. Nothing there either. Now he was panicking, where was his name? Did he do so poorly that they left his name-

Oh.

Oh.

I…I made it.

OH MY GOD I ACTUALLY MADE IT!?

Souta couldn’t describe the noise that escaped his mouth but he knew it was embarrassing. But who cares about that! He passed! He actually did well in math! Well, his score is a lot higher than what it usually is, which means he must have done really well, right? If he doesn’t overthink it, he definitely passed math. And that was all he needed to go to camp. Man he was excited. Now he had to tell Nao the good new-

Oh when did he show up? 

When did he show up!?

Nao was far too close to him for comfort. And he was torn between not minding it, and shooting up into the sky. His first response however, was to show off the score. Nao beamed at him in a way Souta had never seen before, which made him beam in response. Which then led to their faces being super close. Which led to Souta beaming away in the other direction. Leaving Nao back at the board, probably confused.

He didn’t see that, right?

*

Nao didn’t know what to do.

One second, Souta was cheerfully letting him know he passed.

The next, he was gone.

Had he done something wrong?

It had been like this for so long, that Nao wasn’t sure what to make of it anymore. It always felt like Souta was avoiding him and never told him why. And he was certain if he tried to reach out, Souta would just run away again. He is very aware that their relationship isn’t anything special, but it would be nice if Souta told him that this was all transactional. But if it was, why would he become a stammering, blushing mess? What could it mean?

Did it-

No.

It couldn’t mean that.

Nao knows he’s delusional. 

But to think that far was beyond his own hopes and dreams.

It was unfortunate, however, he knew a lot of things were too good to be true. And that was at the very top of the list. 

He felt like a broken record, repeating the same things again and again. 

What else was he supposed to do? Live in his own delusions and pretend there was a chance? Pretend that Souta did feel that way? How much longer would a stunt like that work? Surely one day reality will come and smack him for being this dumb. After all, he was just a tutor. This was all for money. Souta was his personal ATM and nothing more. 

Souta meant everything to him and that was the worst of it.

*

“Souta? Are you okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, why?”

“Because you’re shaking like crazy.”

“What do you mean? This is how I normally act!” 

“Souta…”

Sighing, Souta gave up. “Okay, it’s just been a lot recently. But I’ll be okay soon.”

“Sure. You know I’m here if you need anything, right?

“Of course. Thanks, man.”

Keisuke nodded in reassurance before they made their way to the main area of the festival. The truth was, Souta wasn’t feeling all that great. Sure his exams went well, but when he couldn’t properly tell Nao the good news afterwards, his mood went down tenfold. Yes, yes, he did run away the moment he realized Nao was there, but what else was he supposed to do?! He tried to not let it hinder his friends' excitement for their plans, but after some time, it was starting to show. Since Keisuke was a mindreader, there was no point in trying to hide how he felt. 

He did try to enjoy the festival, he really did. But any second of silence and his mind would wander straight back to Nao. He wanted to see him, tell him he wanted to be friends. That he liked spending time with him. That it didn’t have to be school related, they could chill and play video games! They could just hang out like anyone else would! They could do anything he wanted if he just asked! Souta was willing to go up for anything!

Maybe even confe-

No.

Absolutely not.

Not in a million years.

I would rather fall off the face of the earth.

That was scary.

He really hoped he hadn’t made it obvious to anyone that he felt that way towards Nao. Souta doesn’t think he would ever live it down if word got out anywhere. Especially not to Nao. That was what feared him the most. Not the people possibly mocking him. Not the possible remarks and insults that could be thrown his way. Not being shunned by anyone who didn’t understand. Well, he was afraid of that, but not to the extent he might have had otherwise. It was Nao reacting badly to his feelings. It was already a reach to think Nao might feel the same, but if he was even the tiniest bit disgusted by it, then Souta would never show his face again.

He didn’t want Nao to think of him differently. But it was inevitable, wasn’t it? Regardless if he shared those feelings or not, that change loomed over them. Coupled with the fact they weren’t exactly friends made this a lot harder than Souta wanted it to be. He would be a fool to think anything would come out of trying to move up on Nao’s imaginary totem pole. 

And boy what a fool he was.

*

Tossing another bill into the nether, Nao was finally done with payments for the month.

What used to be a stress reliever, now filled him with half a million thoughts about Souta. His mind must be ninety-nine percent ‘Souta’ at this point. Not that he particularly minded sometimes, thinking about the other boy was nice. If he discounts the fact most of his thoughts are dreadful. Sort of like right now, the money he got from all those sessions were why he can pay the bills. And never once did he dare to tell Souta what he was using the money for. 

And of course he still doesn’t plan on it.

The returning thoughts of pity were sending chills down his spine.

He didn’t want Souta to pity him.

Or worse, resent him for the money in this way. 

What does Souta think he uses the money for? Savings? Games? Food? 

How would he feel if he found out Nao used the money to keep his home?

Nao wasn’t sure, but he could only hope Souta wouldn’t react negatively to it.

…

Maybe that was why he’s been acting so weird? Did he find out how he used the money and was now skirting around the issue? Was he avoiding Nao because he found it weird that his money was being used in that manner? But if that was the case, why would he be a blushing mess every time? What could possibly cause such a reaction? Was he embarrassed? The more Nao thought about it, the less sense it made. Squinting at the wall, he racked his mind for more answers, if he had any. 

After a few more minutes, Nao gave up. He didn’t know the next time he'd see or even talk to Souta. If he remembered correctly, Souta will be away at soccer camp for the next week, which meant it’d be some time before he could try. If he was allowed the chance to. Sinking into the couch, he sighed.

I just want to see you.

*

“Keisuke, have I lost my mind?”

“What makes you say that?”

“Last week, I had a dream, uh…About seeing someone.”

“And who would this person be?” Keisuke was far too amused for Souta’s liking.

“N-No one important! I just saw a random person in my dream!”

“No one important, sure,” Keisuke chuckled.

“I-I swear!”

“Souta, you know you can’t hide anything from me. Your face is redder than an apple.”

Souta only sighed afterwards. He didn’t know what had happened that night, but he was sure he had an entire conversation with Nao over the phone. But when he checked his logs, there was nothing there. He swore up and down it had happened but with no evidence to prove it, all it did was make him look like a crazy person. And maybe he was a crazy person.

But nevertheless, he was on a bus to summer camp, hours away from Nao. An entire week without him. Souta didn’t want to admit he was sad about it, he can see him when he gets back, right? He can survive without Nao for a week! It’ll be fine! As he stared out the window, however, he soon realized this may not be as easy as he thought. He was yearning for Nao in a new way, a way he didn’t enjoy, but didn’t quite hate either. 

When the bus finally made it to camp, Souta wasn’t sure how to feel anymore. He should be excited! This was what he’s been working towards for weeks! This was what all the mental anguish was for! Why…Why wasn’t he happy about it? Everyone around him was hyped up, talking amongst each other about their plans for the week, the teams they would be up against and all. Meanwhile Souta was feeling alone in a crowded space. 

He’ll be okay. It’s only one week after all.

*

Ring~Ring~

This time, the phone ringing wasn’t his imagination.

He even pinched himself before answering to make sure.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Souta?”

“Yeah…It’s me.”

“What are you calling for?”

“I-I…Can you promise not to judge me?”

“Of course.”

“I miss you.”

Nao almost felt his eyes pop out. “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

“Damn it, Nao! It was already a lot to say it the first time!”

“I wanna hear it again.”

He heard a deep sigh on the other end before Souta spoke up, “I miss you.”

Nao’s heart was beating out of his chest, he pinched himself again to make sure it wasn’t a dream.

“You…miss me?”

“Nao, please. It was already a lot to call you. AND I only have five minutes before someone finds out I’m gone.”

“Where are you?”

“...In the bathroom.”

“Fitting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

Nao could only laugh as he imagined Souta silently fuming in a bathroom stall. “Is this why you wanted to call me? To profess your attachment to me in a bathroom?”

“Why did I even bother with you?”

“Hey, you were the one who called me!”

“Grrrrr. Touché. And I’m not attached to you!”

“Sure you aren’t.”

“When I find you…”

“You won’t be able to. Not while you’re so far away.”

“I’ll find a way! Just you wait!”

“I’ll be waiting. In my comfy bed away from you.”

“This call was a mistake.”

“I’m hurt. For a moment I thought you actually missed me. But I guess you were really trying to avoid me after all…”

“I-I wasn’t trying to avoid you!”

“You weren’t?” Now, Nao was interested in his explanation.

“I’m sorry. It’s just been really stressful lately. I promise I wasn’t trying to avoid you.”

“But why? Why were you always running away?”

“I-I can’t explain that. I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated, okay?”

“How so?”

“I- Just don’t worry about it! I have to go now!” And with a beep, the call ended. 

Nao squinted at the screen as it faded to black. 

First Souta avoids him like the plague for over a week, and now, while he’s hours away at camp, he calls and says he misses him? Nao didn’t enjoy the mixed signals he was receiving and the fact that he couldn’t confront Souta right away pissed him off a little. He was sure if he tried to call back, it wouldn’t answer. This was also getting too weird for his liking. Souta was clearly holding back on something and Nao was going to find out some way, somehow.

He just needs to find his timing.

*

“Ueshima! You can’t keep getting distracted like this!”

“S-Sorry! I promise I’ll focus this time!”

“You better! This next team is no joke!”

Souta only sighed as he jogged back to the sidelines and picked up his water bottle. It had been a few days, and he couldn’t focus no matter how hard he tried. The call with Nao had left him in a frenzy and he hasn’t recovered from it. Every word was replaying in his head and he couldn’t help but cringe. Did he have to say he missed him? Did he have to sound so needy? Where did it even come from? He called him with the intent of…Well his intent wasn’t to tell Nao he missed him. He just wanted to talk to him and that was the first thing that came out of his mouth. 

Since he couldn’t take it back, he had awkwardly emphasised that ridiculous point. Sure it wasn’t a lie, but he didn’t want Nao to know how much this was affecting him. It felt like a pseudo-confession. But he doesn’t think Nao picked up on that so he’s very thankful for that much. 

So now what?

It’s been days.

He’s doing exactly what he said he wasn’t doing to Nao. Which was avoiding him. Again.

He tried to think of ideas of how to remedy this and came up with nothing. The only thing he was sure he wanted to do was not avoid Nao anymore. But that was easier said than done. There was only so much time left before camp and summer break would be over and Souta wasn’t sure if he’d come up with a plan in time. Would it just be easier to spill his guts to Nao? Even if Nao doesn’t want to be around him anymore, at least he would know the truth? But Souta doesn’t want to lose him. However, he doesn’t want to lie anymore either.

Souta sighed. How did so much change in so little time? He barely even knew who Nao was three months ago! Why did he have to feel so strongly about the guy all of a sudden? Just because he helped him tremendously with math doesn’t mean Nao can help himself to his heart! This didn’t make any sense and Souta wasn’t sure if it ever will. 

Before he could think any further: “Ueshima! We’re about to start! Get moving!”

He’s still at camp. There’s a match to be played. He has to focus.

Setting down his water bottle, he called back, “Coming!”

He’ll have to think of a game plan soon.

*

This number is unavailable. Please try again later.

This number is unavailable. Please try again later.

This number is unavailable. Please-

Nao wasn’t sure why he kept trying to call him. It was late into the night, Souta had to be asleep by now. Seeing as it didn’t reach his voicemail, Nao could only conclude that his phone died at some point. Nevertheless, he was feeling disappointed he couldn’t talk to Souta. After that first day at camp, Souta never reached out again. At first, Nao thought he was busy, so he left it alone. Then he sat on what he had said that night, and wondered if Souta was avoiding him again. 

It would be easy to do that, wouldn’t it?

Souta was far away from him, busy with his soccer activities, and maybe hanging out with his friends. It would have been easy to forget about Nao in the meantime. 

It would have been really fucking easy, wouldn’t it?

Before Nao could let his emotions get the best of him, he took a deep breath and fell back into his bed. Souta has a life of his own, separate from him. There was no reason to be worked up about whether Souta decides to call him or not. There was no reason to be worked up about this at all. Because at the end of the day, whatever Souta feels about him doesn’t match up with his feelings. It was never going to match up and Nao knew damn well it wouldn’t.

There was strong.

And there was how Nao felt about Souta.

*

The last day of camp finally came.

It wasn’t to say Souta was happy it was over.

In fact, he thought it was the best week he’s had soccer-wise in a while.

This season was certainly shaping up to be the best one yet and Souta could feel it in his bones.

What he could also feel, was the excitement to see Nao again.

Yes, things had been weird and rocky this past week, but Souta finally had a plan as to how he was going to fix things. 

Time was just moving way too slowly for his liking.

As he packed up his bag, he zoned out the chatter around him. His mind started racing off all the ways Nao could react to his idea. Souta could only hope it would be one of the positive ways. If it all worked out, then maybe, just maybe, they could move to be just a bit more than friends. Souta felt his heart racing at the thought. But he had to calm himself down, it was still too early to know how things would play out. There was still a five hour bus ride and a twenty minute train ride home before he could think about calling Nao.

It was during this planning stage, he realized he didn’t know where Nao lived. 

But that wasn’t a problem! 

He can just ask!

That’s what friends do!

That’s…That’s what people like him want to do. 

It wasn’t weird, right?

Letting out a deep breath, Souta zipped up his bag, headed out of the facility and off to the buses. It was going to be a long ride and he needed all the rest he could get before he dove head first into this plan. But he wasn’t sure how much rest he would get seeing as his mind wasn’t letting him calm down. He’ll probably find a way to manage it. 

“Hey Keisuke-” Souta tried to call out his friend before noticing the apologetic look on his face.

“Sorry Souta, I can’t ride with you this time. Promised Takeo I’d watch a few movies with him.” Keisuke pointed back at the other boy while giving him a sad smile.

“It’s alright. I have some stuff to think about anyway.”

Keisuke’s apologetic look turned smug as he went, “I’m sure you do. Good luck!”

Souta squinted as Keisuke jogged away, leaving him to process that smug smile and send-off. Throwing his dufflebag into the trunk, Souta climbed into the bus and looked for an empty seat. If Nao were here, it would have been easy to figure out. Instead, he had to settle for the back row so he could gather his thoughts.

There, his mind started racing again. All the possibilities of how the plan could succeed, fail, and everything in between. But Souta only had one hope and it was for things to be okay with Nao. Not that things weren’t okay, but he’d like for them to be less awkward. Speaking of awkwardness, he was worried about how Nao was going to react to his feelings. Even if he felt the same way, what if he didn’t want to start anything with him? Then what? They would just fall back into awkwardness again. He didn’t want that! 

But if Nao didn’t want anything, Souta needed to respect that. At the end of the day, Nao’s feelings were just as, if not more important than his. So he had to lower his expectations for this eventual talk so he wouldn’t be too disappointed. The lower they were, the stronger his excitement would be. But he couldn’t think of the good things yet! He still had to rehearse what he wanted to say! 

What did he want to say?

He forgot.

Oops.

Well! First thing’s first he still has to ask Nao his address! That was very important! Otherwise his plan would have failed instantly! 

Hey-

*backspace*

Nao can I-

*backspace*

What’s your-

*backspace*

Can I have-

*backspace*

Nao can I have your address?

*send*

He did not mean to send that.

Why did he send it?

He wasn’t ready to send it!!

Now, Nao is going to see it!

Well, he does want Nao to see it.

But not like this! His message wasn’t perfectly crafted! He didn’t even address Nao proper-

Nao: Okay

Oh.

That was a lot easier than he-

Nao: What for?

Kill him. Please.

*

It was a weird message all things considered.

Nao still sent his address anyway. Apparently Souta wanted to see him once he got home from camp and it had him all giddy for some reason. Maybe because the week had been so strange and they rarely talked during it? Maybe he was experiencing Souta withdrawals? He wasn’t exactly sure, but he was still excited to see him again. Before that, however, he needed to hide his bills.

It was the few times Nao was grateful for the advance notice.

He couldn’t let Souta see any of this.

Picking up the envelopes, he stacked them into a neat pile before unceremoniously shoving them into a random drawer. Souta wasn’t going to scour his stuff so it should be fine. Or at least he hopes Souta doesn’t scour his drawers. He might have to warn him if the time comes. Or just warn Souta anyway and hope he doesn’t ask too many questions. That might be easier. Hopefully. Nao was starting to doubt himself with these scenarios. 

Shaking his head, he assured himself that as long as he took the precautions, Souta would never find out about the bills.

This was his mantra as he waited for a knock on the door.

In the meantime, he kept looking out for any stray bills that might reach Souta’s eyes.

He can’t find out.

He can’t find out.

He’d kill me if he found out.

He can’t find out-

~RING~

Oh god he’s here. 

Has it been two hours already? 

~RING~

Why is he ringing the doorbell? I thought it was broken-

“Nao! Can you hear me?”

“I’m coming!” He stuffed one more envelope into a random drawer before rushing to the door.

Opening it, there was the guy who took control of his thoughts for the past week. Maybe even more. Souta seemed tired, but somehow very determined. He gave Nao a soft smile that melted his heart instantly. Letting him inside, the first thing Souta did was collapse on his couch. He could only laugh as he watched the other boy relax into the cushions. Picking up the bag he dropped, Nao brought it over to the living room. There was some mention of wanting to talk, but he wondered if Souta was actually here to crash on his couch.

“If you wanted to sleep, you should have just gone home.”

“No! I have…a mission here…” Souta mumbled out from the cushions. 

“If your mission is to sleep here, then congrats. You completed it.” Nao did a fake clap to go along with it.

“No…I want to say…I…” Souta seemed to struggle to keep his eyes open.

Raising an eyebrow, Nao walked over to where Souta’s head was on the couch and gave him a confused look. “What did you want to say?’

“I…I like…you…” And then Souta passed out. 

Nao stared at him wide eyed. 

Did he just say what he thought he said?!

He did, right?

Did Souta just confess to him and fall asleep?!

*

“Nao~ I really like you, will you go out with me?”

“Of course I will, Souta! I’ve always loved you!”

“AH! I’m so happy! This must be a dream come true!”

“Souta?”

“Hm?”

“This is a dream.”

“What?”

“This is a dream. This isn’t real.”

“Huh? It’s totally real! What are you talking about?”

“Souta! Wake up!”

Souta’s eyes snapped open to an unfamiliar scene. This clearly wasn’t his house. This couch was awfully uncomfortable and his back felt weird. Where is he? Turning his head, he was met with Nao right in front of him. Neat. Wait-

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” Souta backed himself into the couch, freaking out that Nao was in front of him. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”

“...This is my house, Souta,” Nao deadpanned.

“What? When did I get here?”

“About two hours ago, you came here with some bold plan and passed out pretty quickly.” Souta felt his face heat up at the summary of events. He did what?

“What did I do?” Souta asked carefully.

Nao blinked at him before continuing, “You texted me you wanted my address for some big plan or whatever, came to my door, confessed to me and passed out on my couch soon after.”

Souta nodded as he listened to Nao’s recount of events. That is until-

“Wait. Say that last part again?”

“You passed out on my couch?”

“No. Before that.”

“You confessed to me?”

“WHAT?!” Souta squeaked out.

Nao’s face turned red at the memory. “Yeah. You declared you liked me before you went cold.”

“I-I did?” Souta was mortified.

Nao nodded.

“Oh god. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I mean I did! But not like that! I had a plan and that wasn’t it-” Souta’s rambling apology was cut by Nao putting his hand up.

“Souta, it’s okay.” Nao gave him a soft smile.

“Is it? I just gave you an unwarranted confession…” Souta shifted awkwardly in his seat.

“It is.” Nao then placed a hand on top of his and Souta felt like the world was on fire.

“S-So…What do you say?” 

“Well…”

“If you’re going to reject me, can you make it quick and painless, please?”

“I’m not going to reject you. I just wasn’t ready for that.” Nao chuckled.

“That’s basically a rejection. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to ruin your couch with my tears.” Before Souta could faceplant into the cushions, Nao placed a hand on his cheek and forced him to look him in the eye.

“Souta. I’m not rejecting you. I do like you back. But I want to take things slow. Okay?”

“Slow?”

“Slow.”

“So…that’s a yes?’

“Haha, you know what? Sure.” 

Souta felt like he could explode. Jumping off the couch he tackled Nao into a hug, making several thousand promises that he’ll be the best boyfriend ever, that he won’t regret a thing, that he’ll make it worth it and many more. It felt like the world was finally making sense again and Souta could continue living his life in peace. Now that Nao had taken the confession well, he was sort of glad he didn’t follow through with the original plan. Sure, he didn’t particularly like the half asleep confession, but Nao accepting it was all he wanted.

And thankfully, that was what he got.

Now the next step is to not mess this up.

Hopefully. 

*

I’m going to mess this up.

That was Nao’s first thought when he sent Souta home for the evening.

He really wants this to work, but with how hectic his life is, can he make any room for Souta? Between school, work and the minimal free time he has, what was he thinking accepting Souta’s confession?! The only time he could think of being with him are the two weekends he’s free and whatever day he doesn’t have work after school. Sure his finances have improved, in part due to Souta’s generosity and tutoring sessions, but he couldn’t slack off. Not when emergencies can still happen.

On top of that, what was he going to do about his bills? He can’t just hide them every time Souta comes over. And he can’t always predict when Souta will come around either. He also couldn’t tell him not to come over, it wouldn’t be fair after he willingly gave away his address. Maybe he could convince him they could hang out at Souta’s house instead. But from some of the stories he’s told, it sounded like Souta didn’t want Nao to witness his family. Whatever that meant. 

Sighing, why did he do this? He doesn’t have time for Souta. Was he caught up in his own emotions that he forgot to think rationally? And now he can’t take back what he said, he promised Souta he wants to take it slow. Which basically means he wants a relationship with him. A relationship he had kept to his own delusions because it just wasn’t possible.

And now he had to make it possible.

He’ll just have to take extra precautions from now on. 

*

Souta had never been more excited to see Nao.

They planned to hang out after school that day and he couldn’t stop beaming. He couldn’t remember a single lesson from any of his classes today, but he didn’t care. He was going to see Nao! It was going to be the second time he gets to be in his house and he definitely won’t pass out on the couch this time! He was too excited to sleep anyways. He spent the past few days planning what they’ll do and it’ll be perfect-

“Ready?” Nao’s voice was music to his ears.

“Of course!” Souta practically floated out of his seat and out of the classroom.

“You seem excited,” Nao commented when they finally left the school grounds.

“How can I not? It’ll be our first time hanging out that isn’t a study session!”

“Or you passed out on my couch.” Nao snickered.

“Oh shut up!” 

“You know it’s true!”

“Please, as if you wouldn’t do the same after a whole week at camp!”

“Oh, I’m sure of it! But at least it would be my couch!” Nao laughed while Souta pouted.

“I’m going home,” Souta declared while pretending to turn on his heel.

“Nooo! Who will crash on my couch now?” Nao had the audacity to look fake hurt.

“You can crash on your own,” Souta huffed.

Laughing, Nao reached out for his hand and dragged him back into the direction they were going. Souta didn’t question it at the time, but it was only later on when he realized he held hands with Nao while walking home. That the moments he had fantasized all this time were slowly coming true. The moments he never thought would happen, were becoming reality. He wasn’t sure how to handle it.

Hanging out with Nao was everything he had hoped for. They laughed, told stories, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Souta learned a lot about Nao. His mom had long been out of the picture and his dad provided the bare minimum for him to survive. He has a sister who stopped contacting him years ago. For the first time, Souta realized just how fortunate he was to have his family together and not have to worry about trying to get by. 

When he asked about how Nao gets by with basically no support, he shrugged and said he’s learned to deal with it. It had been so long that he never really questioned it anymore. The only response Souta had was wrapping him in a tight hug. When Nao asked what he was doing, he could only hug tighter. He never knew the quiet guy in class was suffering so much. Now he felt like he had to brighten Nao’s world before it was too late.

It seemed like the only logical solution.

*

Nao hasn’t known what it was like to be loved in so long.

Seeing as his family seemingly abandoned him, he accepted that he may never feel that warmth again. For a while, that’s what it seemed like. Everyday, he’d come home to darkness, wondering if there will be a day he’ll open the door to the past. When his mother was still here. When Emi still cared about him. When his father still bothered to come home. 

Home.

When was the last time he called this void a home? It certainly hasn’t felt like a home. The store or the school library felt more like a home than this place. And that wasn’t exactly a high bar to clear either. He really only comes here to sleep, since he can’t sleep anywhere else. Maybe one day he can move in with Souta and he can have a real home for once.

Souta.

Just the thought of his name made Nao’s heart do backflips. Never in a million years did he think he’d get this close to him. It seemed impossible for the time. But now Souta was closer to him than ever before. And he really, really didn’t want to mess this all up. But how? He'd been worried about his schedule for a while. Sure he can make room every now and then, but just how much longer can he deal with it? He wants to give Souta the attention he deserves, but he has to keep his own life afloat. And Souta didn’t know he was working all this time to pay off bills either.

He needed to find a way.

He has to.

For Souta.

Sighing, Nao knew very well this was going to be a challenge.

For Souta. He thought to himself as he slipped an envelope away.

*

Days Later:

“You’ve seemed awfully cheery lately, Souta.” Keisuke raised an eyebrow at his best friend’s well above average mood.

“Is it obvious?”

“You acted like you’re on Cloud 9 during class. It was that obvious.”

“Huh. I guess so.” Souta glanced up at the ceiling as he attempted to recall his actions.

“What happened? You’re never like this. Especially not at the start of the term.” 

Souta felt his face heat up as he remembered what had happened over the past two weeks. “Ah. Well you know. Things happened. No biggie. Don’t worry about it.” He ended his sentence with a wave of a hand.

“You sure?”

“Positive!” 

“If you say so.” Keisuke placed his books in his bag before shrugging it on his shoulder. “Are you ready to go?” 

“Yeah, let’s go.” Souta nodded as they headed out of class.

He knew Keisuke was on to him. But if he kept denying it, then he wouldn’t have to say anything. Nao never said if their relationship had to be a secret or anything, but Souta didn’t want to ruin Nao’s trust so soon. Not after he had promised to take things slow. Telling Keisuke seemed to be on the list of things that would speed things up, even if he was suspecting them. However, as long as Souta didn’t say anything, then Keisuke won’t know.

He kept repeating that to himself as they stopped by a convenience store to pick up a quick snack.

He kept repeating that to himself as he wondered which flavor of the pancake sandwich to get this time. 

Maple Butter seems good. He thought to himself as he grabbed two of the plastic wrapped packages. 

“I’ll go ahead, don’t wait up,” Souta called out to Keisuke as he headed up to the register. 

There was no one there when he got there. Which was unusual for this time of day. He could have sworn there was an employee when they walked in. Peering over the counter, he saw a glimpse of what was maybe a human huddled in the corner with some boxes. Souta wasn’t sure if he should bother them or leave them to their existential crisis. But he really wanted to buy his pancakes…

“Hello?” Souta spoke carefully over the counter.

The human seemed startled by the call. However, they didn’t budge from their corner. 

“May I…buy my food?” he asked sheepishly.

The human seemed shocked, as if they remembered they had a job to do. So they slowly got up from the floor, but instead of turning to face Souta, they scooted their way to the counter, backwards.

Souta was greatly confused. Why didn’t the employee want to show their face?

Adjusting their cap, the crown went over their eyes. Only showing Souta the bill. 

This only confused Souta further. What was the deal with this person?

Having enough of being ignored like this, in what wasn’t his brightest moment, he lifted the cap to reveal-

Nao!?

Nao stared at him in fear, and he did the same. Suddenly his pancakes weren’t the only issue at hand. Several thousand questions ran through his mind, such as, why was Nao working here? When did he start working here? Is this why he was always busy? Why didn’t he tell Souta sooner? Did he think working here was embarrassing and didn’t want him to know? So many questions, and there weren’t any answers in sight.

“Nao?” Souta finally choked out after the long silence.

“H-Hi…”

“How…When…Why?”

“Ah. A while. And the usual.” Nao quickly spat out answers that didn’t make any sense. 

“Is this what you do after school?” Nao only nodded in response. 

Souta had several more questions before his thoughts were cut by the loud beep of the scanner. Oh right. His pancakes. 

“Please scan your card here.” Nao’s customer service voice scared him.

Souta was nothing short of bewildered as he paid for his items.

“Have a nice day!” Nao shone a bright, fake smile before handing him a bag, forcing him to leave.

Souta tried to stay, but it was very clear that Nao wanted him out of the store. Now. So off he went, albeit awkwardly and slowly. Hoping if he barely shuffled out, Nao would let him stay. Instead, he made out without Nao so much looking his way. Souta glanced back and he was already helping another customer with their purchases. With the same cheery, fake smile and tone he was given just moments before. 

He walked home with confusion and worry looming over his head. What was that all about? What was it about the job that he didn’t want him to know about? It’s just a convenience store job, there was nothing shameful about it. Maybe smelling like fried food might be weird, but it couldn’t be worse than any other job someone could have. The more Souta thought about it, the more upset he got. There had to be more as to why Nao wouldn’t tell him and why he was so adamant to hide from him the whole time.

Something wasn’t adding up.

*Tink*

*

That was close. 

Too close in fact.

He can’t let it happen again. 

He might have to change his schedule.

*Tink*

*

Regionals were soon.

And Souta was so caught up with everything that he didn’t realize how much time had passed.

But nevertheless, he was excited. He had been practicing a lot and he was incredibly happy with his improvements. There was hope the team could actually make it to Nationals this year! That alone got Souta hyped up for the upcoming match, he was going to put his best foot forward and show everyone just how great Tokane was!

Well, he hoped he could do that. 

The other thing he hopes he can do is convince Nao to watch the game. There had to be room somewhere in that weird schedule for him to come, right? Souta frowned as he remembered the other day. He still didn’t understand why Nao was hiding the job from him. Everyone works a job at some point sooner or later, what was there to be so ashamed of? Souta tried to ask Nao about it, but he was met with silence. 

When Souta tried to find him at the store, he wasn’t there either. He even asked the manager and she said something about Nao changing his schedule because of school. Which Souta knew was bullshit, but he didn’t press any further. He thanked the manager and made his way out. But of course not without buying a snack, feeling bad that he had to bother her. 

Eventually, Souta stopped asking, but kept wondering. If Nao didn’t want to tell him, then so be it. He had to find out eventually, Nao had to tell him one day, right? That kept his patience in check. After all, Nao was having a rough time as it was. The more he thought about it, maybe pestering him about why he worked at a convenience store wasn’t the best idea. 

Oops.

Later that evening, he rang up Nao, excited to tell him the news.

“Hello?”

“Hey!”

“Hey.” The softness in Nao’s voice made his heart melt.

“How are you?” Souta already knew the answer, but he loved asking anyway.

“Great, now that you called.”

Souta felt his face turn red. “H-Hey now…”

Nao only laughed. Boy, did Souta love his laugh.

“Haha. What’s up?”

“I wanted to know if you were, maybe, able to come to the Regionals game next weekend?”

“Next weekend?”

“Yeah.”

There was a brief moment of silence. Possibly Nao checking his schedule if he could make it.

“I’m sorry, Souta. I don’t think I can.”

Disappointment was too light of a word.

“Ah. It’s okay. I was just asking anyway.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“No, no. It’s okay. I know you’re busy. Really.” Souta was assuring Nao, but he wasn’t convincing himself.

“Are you sure?”

“I am. I would rather you say you can’t now than say yes and never make it.”

“I guess. But don’t worry, I’ll be cheering you on in spirit.”

“Thank you, Nao. I’ll talk to you later. Okay?”

“Okay. See you soon. Bye.”

The phone hung up soon after.

Souta wasn’t okay, but it was better to be disappointed now than later.

Right?

*Tink*

*

Nao felt awful.

It wasn’t like he wanted to miss the game.

But he knew deep down he couldn’t spare that weekend even if he wanted to. 

He needed to work that weekend. The cold season was on the horizon and that meant saving more than ever. After the especially brutal summer that brought the air conditioning bill up higher than he was comfortable with. He could deal with no lights, not having to use the stove, or turning on the TV. But the heating and cooling were things he refused to sideline. 

He had to start saving now or else he’d never survive. Of course not literally, but the cold reminded him of much more than having to set aside extra for heating. He felt the rage burn within him as he remembered that disastrous day. His mother’s regretful face, his father’s nonchalant response, Emi’s screaming. Nao was barely eleven at the time, but he still remembers the tension in the air. No one was happy, the taxi cab honking in the distance, a blaring warning that his mother had to leave soon. 

He remembers standing out in the cold, hearing his sister beg their mother to stay. He couldn’t see her, but he knew her face wasn’t one of hope. It was obvious to all of them that she wasn’t going to stay. As the taxi drove away, he called out one more time, hoping his voice would reach her one more time.

Nao never heard from her again.

It was excuse after excuse. None of his letters came back with replies. His calls were always intercepted. It was like she didn’t want to talk to him anymore. After a few more years, Nao stopped trying. When money got tighter, he couldn’t risk spending it on fruitless phone calls. Or on any more postage stamps. If she didn’t want him, then he wanted nothing to do with her either. 

It was easier that way. 

Now when the cold comes, all the memories flood him faster than an overflowing sink. He would feel sick, all feeling in his legs would vanish, and it would feel like the world was spinning backwards. But above all, he would feel anger. Anger at his father for driving her away. Anger at his mother, for never coming back. 

Work and school were the only things that kept him from sitting with his thoughts for too long. 

And he had Souta by his side as another anchor. 

He can’t mess this up. Not with him. 

He can’t afford to lose another loved one. 

*Tink*

*

Three weeks later:

Regionals had come and passed. They didn’t win. 

Nao had asked him how they did and gave his condolences after hearing the results.

He barely heard from Nao after that. 

In fact, Souta could count on one hand how many times he’d seen Nao over the past month. 

He even recounted just to make sure.

In the end, his final total was a resounding…three. 

Discounting school and school-related activities, he hasn’t seen or hung out with Nao at all. 

What was the point of dating or trying to date at this point? He tried his best to always be there for Nao, but it seemed like he was pushing him away. He couldn’t recall doing anything wrong. Not that he could have with how little they’ve spent time together. Did Nao not want to be with him after all? Did he lie about his feelings to spare Souta’s? Was that it? 

His thoughts were interrupted by a house in his view. He glared at it from where he was standing. He hadn’t stepped foot in it in a while. Souta had tried a few times since, but Nao always turned him down. If Nao wasn’t going to talk to him, then he’d make him. So he marched up to the house, down the path and gave the door a couple firm knocks. He knew Nao was home today, so he had to answer. Whatever the problem was, he was going to find some answer to it. 

No answer. 

Souta was getting impatient.

He knocked again. Louder.

It was a couple more moments before the door finally opened.

There stood Nao, mildly annoyed. Souta almost wanted to scoff, as if he had any right to be. Nao wasn’t the one who had been ignored and pushed aside for the past month. Souta watched him shift from annoyed, to surprised, to…remorseful? For a moment, Souta almost wanted to cave and forgive all previous sins. But he held his ground, he was here for a reason and it was to talk to Nao. 

“Nao, we need to talk.” 

He almost seemed afraid? “What for?”

This was going to be harder than he thought, “About why you’ve been avoiding me for the past month.”

“I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Seeing me at school doesn’t overrule the fact we haven’t hung out in a while.”

“You know I’m busy-”

“Are you? I know you have days off, but couldn’t you spare one day with me?”

“I-I get tired…”

“Nao…”

“I’m sorry?” He shrugged sheepishly.

Sighing, Souta lowered his eyes to the ground. “Nao, I have to ask you something.”

“Hm?”

“Do you really like me?”

“Of course! Why-”

“Because after that confession, we’ve… barely been together. And it only got worse when I saw you at the store. Do you really want to be with me? Or did you only agree to spare me?”

“Souta, I…” Nao paused, almost as if he didn’t want to say anything. 

“What is it, Nao? Just say it already.”

“I’m sorry.” An apology. Just what he needed. 

“I’m sorry too.” And that was what Nao was getting in return.

“What?”

“I had hoped this would work out. Instead, I was nothing short of an idiot,” Souta gritted through his teeth.

“Souta, no. You aren’t an idiot. It was my fault. I…I should have done better.”

“Why are you saying this now?”

“I don’t know…”

Raising his eyes, he glared behind Nao, and into the house he was hardly familiar with. It didn’t look that different from his memory, clean and tidy, as any home would be, he supposes. Seemed normal, until his eyes landed on an envelope sitting on the table. Souta felt his stomach drop. He had seen it before. That was the same one his parents used every month to pay their bills. Peeking out of it was a small stack of cash. It didn’t take long for Souta to put two and two together. 

“Nao. What’s that?” He felt the shock slip through his voice.

Nao didn’t say anything at first, instead turned around to find what he was looking at. 

Souta didn’t need to see his face to know he froze. The way his shoulder jolted up was enough.

“Nao. What’s that?” Souta asked, firmer.

“Don’t worry about it,” Nao quickly spat out. 

This only upset him further.

“Don’t lie to me. You and I both know what that is.”

“I said, don’t worry about it!” Nao hissed as he turned around.

“How could I not?! You mean to tell me I shouldn’t worry about you having to pay your own bills and struggling to get by?!”

“Why does it matter? It’s none of your business anyway!”

“In a way it is! Because I’ve been your income for the past few months!”

“Just because you give me money doesn’t mean you’re entitled to know how I spend it!”

“Usually no. But only because I didn’t know you were suffering this much!”

“Why do you care if I’m suffering?!” If Souta was a lesser man, he would have punched him. And maybe he should.

Souta was appalled. “W-What?! Are you saying I shouldn’t? I thought-”

“Whatever you thought, you were wrong.”

“...What?”

“We aren’t friends. And we aren’t anything more. Now stop being a nosy piece of shit and get out of my house.” 

Souta froze. 

What?

Before he could protest, the door slammed in front of him and he stood alone. The air was frighteningly quiet. Souta wasn’t sure if he got his answers or was left with more questions than before. It was as if all his fears of whether he meant anything to Nao were cemented in one devastating sentence. That he was wrong for thinking he could be a friend or even a lover to Nao. He was wrong for trying to elevate their peer tutoring status to something meaningful. 

He was wrong for wanting Nao at all.

He slowly backed himself out of Nao’s porch and made his way on to the streets. Souta came here because he wanted to know how Nao felt and what he wanted. He came here thinking that he just misunderstood and everything would be okay. He was mad, but he expected things to turn out okay. He left with his heart in pieces and his world burned to ashes. 

But maybe that was okay.

Maybe that was what he needed to stop being delusional. 

Nao didn’t love him. He loved his money.

Souta was nothing but an ATM and that was okay.

It’s okay.

It’s.

Okay.

He’ll be okay. 

Okay?

Okay.

*Crack*

*

It was one nuisance after another.

He certainly regrets what he said. 

He wishes he could take it all back. 

Run back to him and tell him that he didn’t mean it. He was upset. The reality he tried to hide for so long was revealing itself faster than he could blink.

The reaction he got was everything he was afraid of.

It was the reaction he had gotten from every other person who learned of his situation. They were always mad, they always wanted to know why he was doing this, and they always begged him to let them help.

He was somewhat thankful Souta didn’t beg. 

Not that he had much thankfulness for the situation. 

He lost Souta and he was back to being alone.

It was meant to be this way. Nao wasn’t allowed by his side after all. It was silly to think the guy he had been noticing and not interacting with for over a year would be there with him when he needed it. It was very silly. To think anyone would want to be with him. To think anyone would want him. If his family didn’t want him, then why would Souta? Nao had several lessons to learn over the years, but that one lesson was the one he refused to learn. But after today, he finally understood. No one wants him.

He wanted to laugh, after all, it was hilarious how it took him so long to realize that. And all it took was to snatch away the first person he’d loved in such a long time. He really does love him. But he knows Souta doesn’t. Whatever Souta felt was probably superficial anyways. Seeing as he had no issues leaving him behind. It must have been all the studying sessions that made Souta think he felt something more for him than he actually did. 

Picking up the cursed envelope, he grimaced. He should have done a better job at cleaning. To be so careless with important documents was no good. 

Sealing it, he reminded himself to turn it in first thing in the morning.

He has a lot of cleaning to do.

*

“Are you okay Souta? You look like you witnessed a murder.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“The thousand meter stare you have going on isn’t really helping.” 

“I’m sorry, Keisuke. It’s been rough lately.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I don’t know…”

“If you ever need anything, I’m here for you. Okay?”

“Thank you, Keisuke. I really appreciate it.”

“Any time.”

Souta watched Keisuke leave the locker room as he sat in silence. It had been over a week since the fight and his whole plan of being ‘Okay’ lasted all of twenty minutes before he found himself sobbing into his pillow. He hated everything that had transpired and desperately wished he had taken a different approach. But what’s done is done. When he first saw Nao earlier in the week, all he was given was the cold shoulder. So he knew he wasn’t going to be greeted in any capacity from now on.

On top of that, the study sessions ended. Souta didn’t dare tell anyone, knowing he had boasted about how great Nao was for weeks. Only to mess it up again. He wasn’t sure how long he could keep up with pretending everything was fine, but as long as his grades didn’t tank, everyone would be none the wiser. He just wasn’t sure how to respond when his parents asked about Nao.

He’d have to make a list of excuses and hope they suffice.

Picking up his bag, he slowly dragged himself out of the building and dreaded the journey home. He hated going alone, but he didn’t have much of a choice. And he needed to get out of here before Takeo showed up and he’d have to listen to another one of his weird rants. If there was anything Souta certainly wasn’t up for, it was whether leaves changed color because of the cold or the cold changed the color of leaves. He didn’t have an answer for that one.

Maybe Nao did.

Nao knew a lot of things.

Souta always wondered how he knew so much, yet seemed so lost.

He doesn’t have the full picture–and he maybe never will–but he had an idea. 

To be burdened with so much at a young age must be a nightmare. Souta was always told to be grateful for what he had. And he was. Financial stress was something that always scared him, so he was extra careful to save his money. Although he was careless with the tutors, he still tried not to go overboard when there was a new game or shiny soccer shoes calling his name. 

He couldn’t imagine what Nao had to do just to keep the lights on.

Why did he have to be so nosy? Did he have to sound so entitled to whatever Nao did? He could argue he was worried, and he was! No seventeen-year-old should be tasked with something so important! No matter how responsible they were. It wasn’t fair. Teens should, in his opinion, enjoy the life they have before being sent off into the real world. How old was Nao when he was forced into this? He mentioned his family being broken up for years, maybe he’s been doing this since he was a kid? Are kids even allowed to do all that so early?

Souta didn’t like thinking about a younger Nao working to the bone just to survive.

He wanted to scream. He should have just left the whole thing alone! Everything’s messed up because he just had to get one last jab at Nao for ignoring him all this time. Was it too late for him to apologize? It might be. Nao wasn’t going to talk to him anymore, so whatever effort he wanted to put in would be pointless. But he still wanted to make this right, even if their relationship is beyond repair, he has to try. Then he can say it’s pointless to fix things.

Would he need another plan?

Maybe.

Is it going to work if he makes one?

No.

Is he going to make a plan anyways?

Yes.

*

“That’ll be 832 yen.” 

*Beep*

“Thank you. Have a nice day!”

Last customer. Finally.

Nao checked the register, locked it, went to sweep a few aisles, checked inventory before finally turning in for the evening. Everything was in place for the next person, so he was free to go. Grabbing his bag, he waved off to his manager and headed out the door. The air was finally getting cooler, which meant the coat he brought found its use. He couldn’t count how many times he brought a jacket or coat only for the weather to be too warm for it. 

As he walked down the street, he saw a sign for a local indoor soccer club. His mind instantly turned to Souta. How he would have said something silly about soccer should be played outside instead of in. Nao chuckled at the thought before a harsh wind knocked him back to his senses. It had been a while since they’ve talked. He didn’t know how much he could miss him before that first day after the fight. 

He remembers turning away from Souta.

He remembers not bothering to see his reaction.

He remembers wanting to so badly run and make it up to him.

He remembers standing his ground.

What a stupid move.

Regardless, they’ve largely avoided each other since. He wasn’t sure if Souta missed him or cared enough to. Maybe Souta didn’t miss him at all. The thought sent pangs in his heart, but it was better than giving himself hope. He tried to move on, but it seemed impossible. No amount of distractions kept Souta at bay. Just when he was far enough away, something always reeled him right back to shore. 

Maybe Nao loved him too much to move on.

Would he just let Souta have his heart for the rest of eternity? Even if they never made up? 

Perhaps he would.

And what would he say if he got to talk to Souta again?

That he loves him? That he was wrong? That he didn’t mean to hurt him, he was only trying to protect himself? 

Nao wasn’t good with words. If he tried any of that, it would be misconstrued to hell and back. 

In his fantasy world, they wouldn’t have to say anything, Souta would run into his arms and all would be forgiven. They’d move on with their lives and live happily ever after in some cottage away from all the woes of reality. He’d have 24/7 access to Souta and they would never fight again. He’d get to kiss him whenever and shower him with love everyday for the rest of time. That was what Nao envisioned when he hated thinking too much. That was what he thought about when he missed him too much. 

Sighing, he just wants Souta again.

And he wasn’t sure how to do it.

*

“Souta? Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah. I’m sure. Why are you asking?” 

“Because that’s the sixth pencil you’ve broken in the last thirty minutes.”

“Oh…”

Keisuke was right, it was the sixth pencil he’s broken in the past half hour.

In fact, he hadn’t noticed he’d broken that many until he saw the broken fragments sprawled across his desk. 

The pencils had been a strange coping mechanism for every time he let himself think about Nao for a second too long. Originally, he was only meant to spin them. At some point down the line, he started snapping them in half. If he failed to spin, he snapped. He knew he was breaking pencils, he just didn’t know it was that many. Where did he even get so many pencils anyway?

“I’m sorry, Keisuke. I just can’t talk about it.”

“I understand, but you can’t keep making faces and snapping pencils every time that thing bugs you.” 

“I guess. I don’t know what else to do.”

“You can start by sparing the rest of your pencils,” Keisuke remarked as he pulled the box away from him. 

So that’s how he had so many…

“I probably should, haha.” Souta’s laugh felt forced and unnatural. It made him wince. 

“Secondly, you need to find a way to let out your feelings about this thing if you aren’t going to talk about it.” 

“Keisuke?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you happen to know what the thing is?”

“I have my guesses.”

“If I did tell you, you won’t get mad at me?”

“Why would I? I have no reason to.”

“Okay.”

“Souta. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Can we talk about it after school?”

“Sure.”

The end of the day came faster than he could blink.

He wasn’t ready to talk with Keisuke about Nao, but at this point, the whole issue has been eating him alive for weeks. 

Talking might be the only way to free himself. Even just a little bit.

Souta took a head start as soon as class ended. He needed some alone time before he spilled his guts out. He wasn’t sure what to say, or how to say it. He’d never outed himself to anyone, but Keisuke is his best friend, he wouldn’t judge him, right? Despite that, Souta still gravely feared that it would go horribly wrong and he’d lose his best friend too. Could he stand to lose two important people within a few weeks? 

Probably not.

Before he could dwell on the hypothetical disaster any longer, Keisuke had reached him at the gates. Souta felt his heart climb to his throat as he found it increasingly hard to stay calm. He tried to reassure himself, but nothing was working. He still hadn’t figured out what to say. He didn’t even know where to start. And Keisuke was waiting. He had to say something. Anything.

“I’m in love with Nao.”

That is. Not what he meant by something.

Keisuke only raised his eyebrows in response. But he motioned him to continue.

“I’m in love with him and I really messed up. I stuck my nose in something that didn’t concern me and I ruined everything.” 

“You couldn’t have messed up that badly, right?”

“He told me I didn’t mean anything to him and to never talk to him again.”

“Okay, that is bad. But wouldn’t you think it was in the spur of the moment? Maybe he said it out of anger rather than genuine disdain for you.” 

“N-No…”

Keisuke sighed as he leaned against a tree, “I can’t put myself in your shoes, but I understand this is a lot harder than you can handle. I don’t know if there’s a chance of fixing this, seeing as I don’t know how Iseya feels about it, but it wouldn’t hurt to reach out when the time’s right.”

“But how will I know? It’s been weeks.”

Keisuke only shifted his eyes behind him. When he turned around, there wasn’t anyone there. What was he looking at?

“I think you’ll find out sooner rather than later.”

“Man, I hope so. I just want to see him again.”

“I’m sure you will,” Keisuke replied with a soft pat on his shoulder.

“Thanks man. I really appreciate the talk.”

“Hey, what are friends for?” He smiled.

“Of course.”

Souta waved goodbye to him as they parted ways for the day. There was a newfound hope in his heart that he hadn’t felt in a while. Who knew talking could do so much? He should have done this all sooner! Maybe he could have made up with Nao by now if he had done something before! But it was better late than never after all. And Souta was unfashionably late.

Wait for me, Nao. I can’t lose you forever, not just yet.

*

If there were two things Nao knew how to do, it was hiding in plain sight and listening carefully.

If there was a third thing, it would be hiding as quickly as possible.

That was the sequence of actions when he found himself listening in on Himura’s and Souta’s conversation. He didn’t mean to listen in, he absolutely meant to go home and remain unseen. But it was Souta, so he felt compelled to stay. He positioned himself behind a tree far enough away that they couldn’t see him, but close enough that he could listen.

He wasn’t ready for the first thing Souta said.

“I’m in love with Nao.”

He’s what?!

Nao couldn’t focus on the rest of the conversation after that. His face heated up, his mind was racing, his heart was out of control, and he felt like he could pass out at any moment. Since when was Souta in love with him? That didn’t make any sense! It was him who was in love! Souta couldn’t have shared the same strong feelings as him. That…that didn’t make sense. It was so hard to believe, yet he heard it loud and clear. 

When he looked up, Himura was staring right at him.

He felt his heart drop. 

To make matters worse, Souta noticed Himura was looking elsewhere. So he hid back behind his tree in the hope that Souta didn’t see him. 

Luckily for the rest of their conversation, he didn’t. 

Eventually, everything came to a close. Nao couldn’t hear the rest of their talk over his heart beating out of his chest, and Souta’s words replaying in his mind. He wasn’t sure how to proceed from here on out. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Nothing seemed real anymore. He did pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t losing his mind, but the sharp pain he felt afterwards was enough to tell him otherwise. 

But it wasn’t enough to snap him back to reality, so when Himura magically appeared next to him, he felt his soul leave his body.

“Jesus! Since when did you get here?!” Nao found himself backing up as far as he could.

“Just now. Don’t worry, Souta is long gone. So whatever you want to say is safe.” 

Nao stayed quiet for a moment. What did he want to say? He didn’t know Himura that well, but if Souta trusted him, then it wouldn’t be too bad?

“Does he actually love me?” A careless first question, but he had to know.

“I can’t say, but from the way he’s talked about you, I wouldn’t doubt it.” 

“W-what does he say about me?”

“Now that I can’t reveal. But I can say it’s very…endearing,” Himura chuckled.

Nao felt his face heat up before his heart dropped again.

“Himura…How do I fix this?”

“The only way is to talk it out, but I can’t advise anything if you aren’t ready.” 

Was he ready? 

Was Souta ready? 

“Does he even want to talk to me?”

Himura seemed almost surprised for a moment, which left him confused.

“What?”

Clearing his throat, he replied, “Oh nothing. I’d say he’s in the same boat as you.”

“He is?”

“Certainly.”

At that moment, Nao gained a bit of hope. It wasn’t a lot, as he was trying to keep his expectations low, but it was turning him to a path he never knew existed. Whatever was going to lead him to fix things with Souta, he’d have no issues following. Himura gave him what was basically a green light to try and talk with him. Now, he just needs a plan or some sort of idea on how to do it.

“Thanks Himura. I think I know what to do.”

“Any time. See you.” And then Nao watched him walk away. 

Taking a deep breath, Nao felt a newfound relief fill him as he exhaled.

Wait for me, Souta. I will make this right.

*

It has been getting a lot colder lately.

Souta never minded the cold. It made playing soccer easier.

Most people get colds or find themselves down.

Souta was fortunately immune to that. 

Usually. 

Today decided it was time he learned what seasonal depression was and he was going to deal with it.

Or maybe it wasn’t the cold at all.

Ever since his talk with Keisuke, he had been trying to figure out how to make things up to Nao. He wrote half a dozen notes, letters, and half-assed apologies on whatever scrap paper he had. Nothing seemed to be working and Souta was quickly running out of ideas. He didn’t have much time before the year’s end and he told himself he would fix it by then. But he was reaching a point where he was willing to throw caution to the wind and hope for the best.

And he was heavily considering doing just that.

Sometimes the best way to fix things with someone is just pouring out whatever emotions you have and let it be. 

But the last time he “poured out his emotions” to Nao, it resulted in the situation they were stuck in now. 

Second time’s a charm?

No, that wasn’t the saying. 

He would need to fail again before he got the charm, he thinks.

However, he didn’t want to mess things up again just so the charm could work its untimely magic on them. 

He wanted to fix things soon. He wanted to tell Nao how much he means to him. Tell him that he didn’t mean to be so nosy that day, for he was only worried. Tell him that his feelings for him are real and he was willing to do anything to be together. Well, maybe not everything, but he truly did want to make things work.

And then Souta thought for a moment too long.

Are we meant to be?

It wasn’t a question he ever considered. 

And perhaps it was too much of a loaded question to think about. Souta didn’t want to think of the semantics, but now that the question presented itself, it was all he could do. And the more he did, the more he realized that something was awfully wrong. Cracks he hadn’t noticed before were appearing before him and suddenly his illusion shattered. He loved Nao too much for how little he knew him. Nao, from what he could tell, didn’t. Souta’d never thought about whether Nao really felt the same or not. But as the last few weeks collected in his mind, they transferred on to quiet tears streaming down his face.

Nao doesn’t feel the same. If he did, maybe we wouldn’t be here.

For once, Souta understood.

He flew too close to the sun and burned himself on the way down. 

This was ridiculous. There was never any evidence that Nao felt the same way about him. Sure maybe he liked him, but it couldn’t have been anything more. Souta remembered what he had said, that they weren’t anything, that he wasn’t even considered a friend. As he gave himself a few more moments to collect his memories, he finally came to his conclusion.

This talk wasn’t about convincing Nao they should be together.

It was about saying goodbye.

* 

When Souta had asked them to meet, Nao couldn’t have been more excited.

In fact, it was the first time in a while he had been giddy about anything. 

Nao finally had the time to properly collect his feelings and knew what he wanted to express to Souta. He even wrote it down in case he ended up fumbling his words. Because to him, having it all written down meant he was serious about what he wanted for them. It was a lot to say, but he didn’t want to miss a single word. Nao was confident in what he wanted with Souta and he was just as sure that they would come to the same conclusion.

It was rare for Nao to dress up for anything, but he was determined to look his best for this. If he showed up in his regular clothes, it could send the wrong message after all. He didn’t have a lot of nice clothes, since there was never an occasion nor could he ever afford it. But he found the nicest shirt he owned and paired it with what he hoped were equally nice pants. It was the least Nao could do to show Souta his feelings before he could tell them.

He was really looking forward to the evening. 

He knew deep in his heart that it would go well. 

Nao was rarely optimistic about things, especially anything that involved love, but he was sure of it. His gut feeling told him as such. 

Which led him to now.

Sitting out in the cold waiting for Souta to show up.

He didn’t feel cold, in fact, he felt warmer than he could possibly imagine. His heart was racing and he couldn’t keep still. He already wanted to jump into Souta’s arms and declare his love to the world. But he had to stay calm, or still, or some sort of in-between. Besides, Souta wasn’t here yet. No, he wasn’t late, Nao was just twenty minutes early. Why? Because sitting at home wasn’t doing its job at keeping him still, he had to get some movement out of his system.

Which also didn’t work.

Time wasn’t getting any faster, no matter how much his leg was bouncing at a thousand RPM. He wanted Souta here already. It was starting to annoy him that time wasn’t on his side, but he wasn’t about to let it ruin his excitement. Eventually, luckily, time moved and Souta was here. The relief Nao felt when he saw him was immense. Which charged his energy to the point that he jumped off the bench and ran to him.

“Souta!” he called out while waving his hand.

Souta gave a small wave before walking over. At the time, Nao didn’t notice his mood didn’t match.

“How are you? It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Nao asked as they returned to the bench.

“I’ve been okay. How about you?” Nao hadn’t noticed how flat Souta’s response was.

“I’ve been a lot better lately. I’m really glad you agreed to meet.” Nao flashed a smile that Souta didn’t return.

Somehow his own happiness was blinding him.

“Yeah. I think it’s good we get to talk,” Souta barely mumbled his response before sitting down.

“I wrote down everything I wanted to say to you. But I want to at least try it before giving it to you.” Nao pulled out the note from his pocket and showed it to him.

Nao didn’t notice the color draining from Souta’s face.

“Ah. Well, do you mind if I go first?”

Odd. But he didn’t think much of it. “Oh sure. Go ahead.” 

He set the note down on the space between them. Guess he’ll have to hear Souta’s confession before he reveals his own.

“Nao. I’m really sorry.” 

That wasn’t what he was expecting.

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry. For everything. I acted too harsh back then and I didn’t give you the space to explain yourself. It was unfair of me to do all that and ignore you after. I thought I could get over it. But it just never happened. I’m really sorry.” Souta lowered his eyes to the note and it seemed he spaced out.

“Souta, what are you trying to say?” Nao was getting worried, this wasn’t what he had imagined at all.

“Nao, I don’t think we’re meant to be together.”

If there was such a thing as the world crashing down on you, Nao absolutely felt it.

He watched his vision blur and suddenly felt numb. He couldn’t speak, his ears were filled with a deafening ringing, and the warmth he once felt washed away. Nao knew what it was like to get his heart broken, he had experienced it before. With his mother, his sister and his father. All of them had torn his heart apart in some way, shape or form. He was used to that sort of thing. But this? This was new. It was nothing like the heartache he had felt from his family, not even close. It felt nearly a million times worse than his family. Because he thought…He thought Souta was here to stay.

What did he mean they weren’t meant to be?

“Nao?” Souta’s soft voice brought him back a little. It was when the tears started streaming down his face he realized he was delusional.

To think Souta was always going to be there.

To think they would be together.

To think Souta liked him.

Nao was an idiot. He shouldn’t have trusted anything. 

“I see.” It was the first sentence he managed to get out.

“Look, I-”

“No. It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” He couldn’t bring himself to let Souta take any blame for this.

“Nao-”

“No. Don’t. I get it. It was too much to try to make this work. For both of us.”

“Nao, will you-”

“What is there to say? You don’t want us to be together, and if that’s what you want then what else is there?” 

“Can’t you just listen?!” Souta raised his voice for the first time this evening and it stunned Nao into silence. He only nodded in response.

“It’s not that I don’t want us to be together. It’s the opposite, actually. I want you more than anything. It’s taking so much not to forget all this crap and be with you. But it’s not fair. You have your own problems and I have mine. It just…wouldn’t work out.” Souta let himself slump into the bench and stared at the sky.

“Was this whole talk just so you could break both of our hearts?”

“I guess so,” Souta told the stars.

Nao only sighed. He was tired. So, incredibly tired.

“What was the letter?” He watched Souta shift his eyes over to the long-forgotten note between them.

“It’s not important anymore,” he hissed.

“Why not?” Why was Souta asking so many questions?

“Because. It’s not something either of us need.” He was going to have to burn it later.

“Who said no one needed it?”

“Me. Because it’s my letter and I choose what to make of it. And I choose it’s useless and will add nothing to this conversation.”

A beat of silence followed before, “Can I read it?”

Nao didn’t have enough energy to fight it. “Go ahead.”

Souta carefully unfolded the note and got to reading. Nao watched his expression change from slightly interested, to eyes widening in shock he presumed, before falling into sadness. He watched Souta take in every word he wrote, more than once, as he noticed his eyes shifted back to the top before reading it over. Soon after, tears were running down Souta’s face as he finally set the letter down. 

“Nao…I didn’t know.” 

“It’s okay. Like I said, it doesn’t matter what it says anymore.”

“Yes it does.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Why do you think it wasn’t important?”

“Because you already rejected me, why would my feelings matter anymore?”

“Because, I underestimated how you felt.”

“What?”

“I didn’t know you felt the same way.”

“You…didn’t?”

“Not at all. I thought I was the only one. With what you said back then, I really did think you thought nothing of me. I thought I was a fool for falling for you.”

“Souta…”

“Turns out I’m a fool for rejecting you.” Souta turned and gave him a sad smile.

It would be nice if Souta would stop breaking his heart. “You aren’t a fool. You’re…just protecting yourself.” Was that the right word? He wasn’t sure anymore.

“At the cost of hurting you.”

“But you had to, didn’t you?” 

“I knew I would, but I didn’t think it would be this much, you know?”

“You did what you thought was the right thing. I probably would have done the same.” And he would have if he was in the same position, and then he had a thought, “But if we aren’t meant to be, then it’s fair game now, right?”

“What?” Souta’s sadness was briefly replaced with confusion.

He didn’t give Souta another moment to think before he closed the gap between them. Nao always wondered what it was like to kiss him. It was different from his imaginations, instead of warm, soft and perfect, it was cold, salty, kind of uncomfortable, and a bit lopsided. It didn’t stop him though, as he pulled Souta closer, not wanting the moment to end. At first, Souta didn’t seem to move against his lips, but then slowly but surely, he felt his lips soften and it felt like everything was on fire. 

To Nao, he didn’t care if this was the last time, the fact it happened at all was enough.

He felt Souta pull away, much to his dismay.“You’re a real asshole, you know?”

Nao could only laugh, “How so?” he whispered.

“I was content with never knowing what it was like to kiss you. Now I need more of it.” Souta finished his sentence by gently brushing their lips together.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have rejected me.” It was a bit of a harsh thing to say, but was he so wrong?

“I rejected you thinking this wouldn’t happen,” Souta grumbled.

“Well, now it happened and there’s no going back.” Nao whispered as he intertwined their fingers.

“Fuck you.”

“Gladly.” 

They brought their lips together again in a short and not-so-sweet kiss.

“Can I take back the rejection?”

“Only if you say ‘Please’.”

Souta only rolled his eyes.

“Then I guess we’ll be separated for-”

This is a lot of kissing for two people who supposedly weren’t meant to be together.

“I’m taking it back anyway.”

“What happened to ‘It’s too much work for us’?” Nao quizzed.

“I don’t care. I want you and only you.” This time, Souta pulled him into a hug.

“You sure changed your mind there.” 

It was a fairly quick turnaround in Nao’s opinion. But he wasn’t about to question how his letter flipped a switch in Souta’s brain. What mattered was that the night wasn’t going to end as horribly as he had feared when Souta first apologized. Did they have a lot to work on? Of course. Was he worried about that at the current moment? Absolutely not. What he wanted more was to kiss Souta over and over again until some divine being forced them to stop. 

“No, I just found a different answer.” He shrugged.

“Right…” Nao jokingly didn’t buy it.

“Will you shut up?”

“Make me.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It can be.”

“If this is some sort of ploy to get more kisses, then you got the wrong guy.”

“Shoot. Who will fall for my schemes now?” Nao chuckled.

Pulling away, Souta gave him a smug grin, “This idiot.”

It took a lot for Nao not to roll his eyes at him. But considering what had transpired at the beginning of this conversation, he was more than satisfied with Souta making dumb jokes and teasing him. When their lips came together again, Nao thought back to everything that had happened between them. How it all started, officially at least, with Souta needing some serious help with math. How Nao, at first, thought he had found his solution to his money problems; little did he know he found someone he’d desperately missed in his life. Someone who made him laugh, who gave him a reason to see out each day, who reminded him what it was like to love again, and what it was like to have someone who cared about him.

Souta became a lot of things to him. It was easy to see why he was so scared of losing him. It was easy to see why he depended so much on him beyond money and love. Nao had to learn he couldn’t lean on one person to solve all his problems. But with so many people running away, clinging on to the one person who didn’t seemed like the solution. For the time being however, Nao wanted to give his all to him.

There were plenty of mistakes to be fixed, made and mull over, Nao was ready to take on all of it. All of it, if it meant Souta stays by his side. Whatever he had to do, he was willing to. He had a lot to learn after all.

“You know,” Souta whispered as he pulled away, “I didn’t think I’d fall for you like this.”

“How so?”

“I thought I was mistaking appreciation for admiration. Because you helped me so much.”

“How did you fall for me?” Nao asked as he pressed their foreheads together.

“It just sort of happened. I never fell for guys before you.”

“Am I special then?”

“I guess you are.” Souta laughed.

“I like being special.”

“Am I special?”

“No, you’re an idiot.”

Souta scooted back on the bench, appalled.“Hey now! I give an honest confession and somehow I’m the idiot? What about you, Mr. ‘I fell for the guy who gave me money’.”

“Hey, who said I fell because of money? It happened way befo-” Nao cut himself short as he realized what he was about to say.

“Before?” Souta had this look on his face that told him he wasn’t allowed to run away from the slip-up.

“I-I-uh…” He felt his face heat up as he struggled to find an excuse.

“You fell for me before we met?”

Nao was sure he was a tomato.

Which didn’t help current matters.

“Not necessarily…? I just always noticed you.” Nao focused his sight on the ground, this was a lot more embarrassing than he cared to admit. 

“So when we started-”

“Yes. I knew who you were before we did those sessions. Not by much, but I knew.” He was waiting for something to fall on his head and save him from any more embarrassment.

“So you could say it was ‘Love at first sight’?” Souta gave him a cheeky grin he so desperately wanted to smack off.

“Will you shut up already?” Nao put his head in his hands, wondering when the world would end so he never had to think about this again.

Souta only laughed. Kill him. Please. 

“I get it. It’s stupid. Just-”

“I don’t think it’s stupid.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t think it’s stupid. I think it’s actually really nice.” Souta gently squeezed his hand in affirmation. 

“Is it now?” Souta had to be bluffing.

“It is. Because it meant you always wanted this. Even if neither of us knew it would happen.” 

“I guess so.”

Another beat of silence passed, but for once, it wasn’t agonizing. It sort of just existed. Not uncomfortable. But not the greatest feeling ever either.

“So now what?” Souta asked as he rubbed his thumb over the back of Nao’s hand.

“I’m not sure. I had a different vision of how this would end,” he replied as he laid his head on Souta’s shoulder.

“Yeah, we certainly aren’t going to ride into the sunset any time soon.” 

“We still could.” 

“Maybe. But not now at least.”

“Souta?”

“Mhm?”

“I’m in love with you.”

Souta didn’t respond right away. Instead, he squeezed Nao’s hand a bit more than the first time. He wasn’t sure what it meant, but when Souta laid his head on top of his, he knew it was going to be okay. Nao felt his thumb rub across his hand a few more times, almost as if Souta was trying to send him a message. It was a few more moments of silence before he felt Souta lift his head and press a soft kiss in his hair.

“I’m in love with you too.”

“Do you want to try again?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Because I don’t want to lose you like that again.”

“You won’t.”

“Promise?”

“I swear on the stars and galaxies beyond.”

“Poetic.”

“Thanks, I saw it on a flyer once.”

“Nevermind.”

“But no, seriously. I promise we won’t lose each other again. I mean it.” Nao ended his sentence by kissing the back of Souta’s hand.

“Okay.”

Before Nao could say another word, he felt Souta cup his face and bring him in for another kiss. This one finally felt like his imagination. Soft, warm and perfect.

If you asked him how this evening went, he’d tell you it was a complete and utter disaster. But he would also say it was absolutely worth it. Because the end goal was reached despite it all. That alone was enough for Nao to consider it a success. As long as Souta was with him, he felt like he could do anything.

Maybe reaching for the stars wasn’t impossible after all.