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“Ok, so, this isn’t the real game,” Apollo started as the game booted up, “It’s basically just a fun little side case. There’s no plot or anything, so I think it’s a better place for you to start. Oh, um, and if you like it, maybe we can play through the original trilogy together, that’s a good place to start if you want to see the actual story and stuff…” Apollo awkwardly glanced at his boyfriend. “...You sure you want to watch this?”
“Absolutely.” Klavier smiled and carefully wrapped his arms around him. Apollo’s eyes lit up and he nodded, leaning into his cuddle as he shifted through the case-select screen.
Earlier that day, Klavier passingly asked if he could watch Apollo play that weird little mystery game he loved to talk about so much. When he saw Apollo’s excitement at the prospect, it became a serious proposal, and Klavier insisted he bring it to his place. It seemed like a strange way to end their 5-month anniversary, but Klavier didn’t care too much, at least about the game itself. The day had been a little disappointing for him anyway. He was happy they were cuddled together on his purple couch, about to experience something Apollo truly loved together.
All Klavier really knew about the game was that it was about “gay anime lawyers”, so he was surprised when he saw a colorful rockstar with silky blonde hair saunter on-screen. He was a familiar face, to say the least. “...Is that the man I’ve heard so much about? The nice one, I think you said?”
Apollo nodded. “That’s Michael Medaille! Uh, his stage-name is Rafone, it’s like a pun. And, yeah, he’s a really nice guy.”
“...He’s your favorite, ja? You never told me he was a musician, too.”
“Oh, no, Gunther Sage is my favorite, but I do really like Mike. He’s a really good character. And, he’s, um, pretty.” Apollo chuckled, flustered.
Klavier flirtatiously twirled his hair. “He’s familiar. You have a type, ja?”
It took Apollo a few seconds to realize what Klav was hinting at.
“N-No!” he sputtered as his face turned red, he furrowed his eyebrows, and he began to pout. Apollo always pouted when he was grumpy, and it was one of Klavier’s favorite things. Every one of Apollo’s little gestures was one of his favorite things.
2 weeks ago, Klavier woke up a little earlier than Apollo did. He turned over to greet his boyfriend with a kiss to the forehead, but found him snoring with a goofy smile on his face. He quietly watched him for a while, with a new, light feeling in his heart that he didn’t quite understand yet. Over the course of that day, he noticed how every one of Apollo’s little gestures simply made him happy in a way he couldn’t understand. The way he stumbled when he talked, all of his little “ums” and “uhs”, the way he rocked back and forth when he was excited, like he couldn’t contain his energy anymore, or the way he shouted, so dorky, endearing, and slightly cool, all at the same time.
Klavier only understood it when he had Apollo cuddled in his arms on his couch that night, when he saw the fire burning in Apollo’s eyes while he read through a case file with him. That righteous, burning flame, that only they could see in each other as they worked together for the sake of the truth. Klavier had seen it and admired it so many times, but still…
It was only then that Klavier understood he loved him.
He was not in love, like he sang about so much. He had not fallen in love, like he believed he had so many times before. He loved him; he really loved him.
2 weeks later, on the night of their 5-month anniversary, Klavier had Apollo in his arms and the words trapped on his tongue. Apollo Justice, I love you with all of my heart. He could release them, right there, in a moment of quiet intimacy.
Instead, Klavier teased him. “Do you have a thing for blondes, Herr Forehead?”
“Shut up,” Apollo grumbled.
Not yet. Klavier told himself again. It’s not good enough. The…the time’s not right.
It was never right. It hadn’t been right once that day. Every single one of Klavier’s grand romantic gestures, all planned just so he could confess on their anniversary, had all fallen through. Klavier had found something wrong with all of them, and he could never bring himself to tell him.
At lunch, he brought Apollo to Shiioi, which was typical for a Saturday night. It was a humble and homely diner, one of the only Khurainese restaurants in Los Angeles, and Apollo’s favorite restaurant in the city. Apollo wouldn’t tell him why, but Klavier knew Apollo loved it for more than the food. He also knew that it didn’t exactly make Apollo…happy. He had a sad, nostalgic glaze in his eyes whenever they went, but despite that, he still loved it, and Klav wanted to take him there on their anniversary.
Klavier refused to pry the answer to his nostalgia out of him, preferring to make Apollo comfortable in any way he could. On this particular visit, he tried fried salamander so Apollo could laugh at him, paid the bill so Apollo could afford to get one of his favorite desserts, and gave Apollo a grand bouquet of roses as red as his suit.
Klavier watched a grateful smile envelope Apollo’s face as a confession of love crawled up his throat. I’d give anything to see you this happy, Schatzi. I love you.
But, he just couldn’t tell him. The restaurant was too casual, the bouquet wasn’t big enough, and the whole thing just didn’t feel as special as Klavier wanted it to.
Apollo huffed and began aggressively pressing the A button. “Well, if you’re just gonna make fun of me, then you don’t have to watch me play it!”
“Ach, but I want to watch you play your little game. You were so excited for it!”
After a few seconds, Apollo turned to him. “...Are you sure? It’s a weird game. Do you really want to watch me play it?”
Klavier gave him a smile. “Ja. I want to see your face light up again. Go on, tell me something else about it.”
“...Ok.” He nodded and Klavier pulled him a little closer, feeling the words beating in his heart, desperate for a way out.
After lunch, he wanted to tell Apollo with a song he wrote just for him. He played it to him using a guitar with soft strings for his sensitive ears. Apollo said he liked it, even though it was cheesy, and Klavier felt the words on his tongue but he couldn’t tell him then. Right before the final lyric, Vongole suddenly barked at a cat she saw outside, interrupting him. It became quiet, and the only music playing was in his heart. It’s everything you do, oh, that’s why I love you. Oh, that’s why I love you, love you, love you.
But how could he say it in the quiet, while Apollo stared at him with such caring eyes?
He made up a different lyric on the spot. It just felt too personal. It made him nervous.
The two game characters had finally stepped into court, accompanied by an excitable techno soundtrack. Apollo grinned and pointed at the screen. “That’s actually Zaccai’s theme! All of the protagonists have different themes, and the prosecutors do, too, but this one is probably my favorite.” He turned to Klavier. “You know, why don’t you make music like that?” he tried to tease, “Then, I’d actually listen to it.”
Klavier didn’t respond.
The worst one that day must have been the fireworks he ordered. He planned to watch them with Apollo from the balcony of the apartment, and he’d whisper it to him under the dazzling lights and colorful explosions.
Klavier didn’t warn his boyfriend about the fireworks because he wanted them to be a surprise, but they gave him sensory overload. Klavier had to comfort him inside, with Apollo cradled in his arms, overwhelmed because of something he did.
I love you, his heart cried, I never want to hurt you so badly again, I’m sorry, I love you, I love you, I love you so much, I’m so sorry.
But they could never escape him.
Now, Klavier had Apollo in his arms again, genuinely happy and comfortable in his presence, but he could never tell him. Not when they were quiet. Not when they were so comfortable. It just felt too…intimate.
It always felt too intimate.
“...Klav?” Apollo asked, but Klavier couldn’t hear him.
Klav craved intimacy, but the prospect of actually receiving it terrified him. He loved it, but in the back of his mind, he could never unsee it as a tool; a tool used to manipulate and hurt him, used by the people he held closest.
Daryan loved to shower him with it as much as possible, both genuine and manipulative, until Klavier couldn’t tell the difference anymore. If he wanted something, Klav gave it to him, just so the intimacy wouldn’t stop. He gave him money, he gave him affection, and once, he gave Daryan a beloved guitar that he would later burn in front of him.
It was only manipulative with Kristoph. Klav found it depressing that it wasn’t even a question anymore. Whenever Kristoph wanted something from him, he used it, and Klavier fell for it every time. When it was something important, something that would always hurt Klavier in one way or another, he called him ‘Klav’.
Now, Apollo called him ‘Klav’.
Klavier shook his head.
He knew intimacy didn’t just have to be a tool, and he’d been lucky enough to feel that intimacy. Sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was platonic, and sometimes it was just a feeling of safety around another person. Klavier craved that intimacy more than anything else, but admitting he loved someone again still felt too risky. If he released the words imprisoned in his heart, he would open himself up to so much pain.
Apollo could hurt him so much with those words, if he really wanted to.
Klavier felt Apollo tug on his sleeve. He paused the game long ago, and now, he was staring at Klavier with strong, concerned eyebrows, and soft, caring eyes.
…He…would not hurt me. Klav made himself think. I should not be scared.
Apollo was good. He wasn’t nice, really, but he was deeply, deeply good, and Klavier knew that. He wanted to trust him, and he knew he should. Still, anxious, defensive thoughts could never leave the back of his head. The idea that maybe he was wrong, again, and maybe he’d be hurt, again, scared him too badly.
He couldn’t say he loved him. He couldn’t be that vulnerable tonight. He just couldn’t.
“Hey, are you ok?” Apollo asked.
“...It’s nothing, Liebling.” Klavier gave Apollo a light squeeze. He couldn’t tell him tonight, but maybe he’d have the courage to say it another time. He smiled and clicked the menu button on Apollo’s controller. “Ah, I will be fine. Keep playing your game, Schatzi.”
“We don’t have to keep playing.” Apollo moved to put the controller down.
“Nien, I want to keep playing.” Klavier laughed. “I admit, I understand very little of this, but it makes you happy. How could I ever pass up an opportunity to see you so happy?”
Apollo stared. Slowly, a little smile spread across Apollo’s face. Klavier mirrored him, beaming. “Ach, and that smile! How could I say no to such a lovely smile?” He ruffled his boyfriend’s hair. “Play your game, Herr Forehead. I’d love to watch.”
Apollo’s lovely smile grew wider, a little more clumsy. His chocolatey eyes flickered to the floor for a moment, but soon returned to meet Klavier’s gaze. After only a few seconds of hesitation, Apollo said, “...I love you.”
Klavier’s eyes widened. He stared at his boyfriend. Apollo, with a slightly red face, unpaused his game. “...Um, yeah. Let’s play more.”
Quirky courtroom music became the only sound to fill the stunned silence. “...You…you do?” Klav asked in a quiet voice.
“Yeah,” Apollo said, forcing himself to stare at the TV screen, “You’re a good boyfriend! I, uh…I just love you.” It was awkward, but sweet and simple. Apollo made love sound so simple. He mashed through some more dialogue on screen, obviously not paying attention to it, until he realized something. He turned to face Klavier with caring eyes again. “Hey, you don’t have to say it back. I know that’s hard.”
He made that sound so simple, too.
Klavier felt like he was on the edge of tears. “...Ah, nien,” he forced out, “...I want to say it, Schatzi.” He swallowed and squeezed Apollo’s shoulder. “...I…I-I love you…too.”
He felt his face heat up. That was the most awkward he’d ever been. He wanted to bury himself in his couch and never return to the land of the living out of sheer embarrassment.
Instead, he let Apollo lean into his arms, still with that little smile. Klavier silently held him while Apollo kept playing his game. Eventually, he softly kissed his forehead.
He said it. He finally said it.
He hoped he’d have the courage to say it tomorrow, too.