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Time heals all wounds, that's what they say. Shauna Sadecki disagreed vehemently, time, it changed things, reshaped memories like clay. For some people, maybe healing came from that. But for her, it only cut deeper. As the years bled on, she came face to face with an undeniable truth: Jackie Taylor was not a bitch. Sure, she was bitchy, like all teenage girls were, she could be a gossip, selfish, controlling, dismissive, obsessed with reputation, all the worst things she'd thought of her. But with distance, sitting across Mrs. Taylor year after year, side by side with everything she'd done, looking at her youthful pictures, it all felt so laughably small. It struck her, is this what she ruined everything for?
Back then, Jackie had felt insurmountable, a flawless goddess. Now, her flaws, her innocence, her insecurity, slapped her around the face. Shauna sat in her childhood room, on her still made frozen dusty bed. Staring at her closet, she saw them, being pushed into clothes that didn't fit, the images flickering between Jackie, Shauna, Mrs. Taylor. In her mother's comments, she heard the echoes of Jackie, how even as she recycled phrases, they came softer, more uncertain, so young and impressionable. A kid wearing her mother's shoes, clumsily. On the dresser, their faces stared back accusingly, the picture of them, Jackie and Shauna, not Jeff, not her mother, no one else. Just them. Right there, in plain sight, a glaring sign, that Jackie too fell asleep thinking of her, her eyes fluttering shut staring out into the darkness, searching for them.
The smile Jackie wore in that photo, it was loving and relaxed. It looked nothing like the pasted smiles she wore, captured beside Jeff.
A truth remained with her throughout the years, throughout every iteration of her Jackie. It was only in private, locked in their bedrooms, buoyed by a few too many glasses, or under the guise of sleepovers, that she wanted. She would lick her lips, hungry yet prey, leaning into her a moth to a flame, eyes shining with something she never dared to speak, pressing their lips together.
It used to tear her apart, being kept as a secret. It still did. But it was only now, that Shauna could see the pain that had reflected in Jackie's eyes, the way it'd torn her apart too. Only now, when it was too late, did she finally see it. Only when the plant was long dead, did she recognize the flecks of seeds in those green eyes, the potential for growth she stomped out thoughtlessly. "I loved you. I could've loved you," the ghost whispered. Shauna flinched, but still, she didn't dare close her eyes, meeting the delicate gaze, forcing herself to face what she'd crushed.
Jackie wore their pep rally outfit, swimming in blue and yellow, a loud nine plastered on her back, gift wrapped in ribbon. She leaned in, steadying herself on the bed, inches from Shauna's thigh, so close yet so far. The cold crept in, eating at her flesh and bones. "I loved you, with my dying breath. You know that, right?" she whispered. The frigid breath puffed against her lips.
Shauna shook, restrained and stiff, eyes wet. She furrowed her brow, trying for incredulous. "I… I ripped you apart, in front of everyone, it, it was your worst nightmare," she refuted, voice pitched.
Jackie leaned in closer, staring her dead in the eye, even, loving, petty, everything at once. So damn human it hurt. "And still I loved you," she insisted. Her gaze flickered downwards, longing, nervous, innocent, in that insanely obvious way only an idiot could miss. "I still do."
A scoff bubbled from her lips. She clung to it, the knife held to their bond, trying over and over to sever it, their rotting infected limb, their life raft, their anchor. Life's greatest joy and regret. "We ate you, I ate you. First your ear, then the rest of you. I devoured, I picked your flesh from your bones, I salivated for it," Shauna snapped, tone sharp and cutting. Horror crossed the girl's face, tears welling in her eyes, but with a grimness, she set her trembling jaw, refusing to break eye contact. "I can't stop loving you. I wish I could. I screamed for it to be purged from me, I begged, I pleaded. I stared at all your sins, I waited for this feeling to end, but it hasn't. I love you, Shauna Shipman."
This horrid animal sound erupted, it was only from the vibrations of it, she realized it came from her. Her body folded in on itself, quaking with sobs, her throat raw with it, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her hands reached out, but nothing was there. Jackie was gone.