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Jay threw open the door to their shitty motel room and tossed his bag to the side, Tim following behind him. He flopped himself on his back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing he had been on, but it beat sleeping in the backseat of his car by a long shot. The tension in the air was palpable to say the least. This was only the second day Tim and Jay had been on the road together, but things hadn’t gotten any more amiable between them. Jay wasn’t even one hundred percent sure why Tim decided to quit his job and join him in the first place. He supposed Tim didn’t have much of a choice but to be involved now. Jay pushed the feelings of guilt that accompanied that thought down.
Tim entered the room behind Jay and similarly tossed his bag to the side before mumbling something about going to go smoke. He shut the door behind him a bit too harshly and Jay was left alone in the room.
It was a fairly decent motel for the price, and while things were visibly run down, everything looked clean at least. Jay was frankly exhausted already from the drive and it was already dark outside by the time they checked in. He had to mentally prepare himself to get out of the bed even though he knew full well sleep wouldn’t come easy if he stayed there anyway.
He pushed himself up and made his way back over to his bag. He packed lightly and the only things he really had were some clothes, his tapes, his cameras, a few toiletries, and his laptop. He got out his laptop and hand-held and put them on the small desk in the corner of the room. He turned on the camera and made sure it was facing the door and had a decent vantage point on the room as a whole. Jay tried not to think about how much like Alex he was becoming.
Jay pulled out the chair and sat in it, opening his laptop. He figured he may as well get some editing done while Tim was gone and it’s not like he had anything better to do.
By the time Jay heard Tim knock on the door announcing he was coming in, his eyes were starting to blur at the screen. He looked up briefly to see Tim enter the room with a frown on his face.
“I really wish you didn’t set that camera up everywhere we go.”
They had already had this argument at least twice by now and Jay didn’t have the energy to grace Tim with a response. He just looked back at the laptop and rubbed his eyes, forcing himself to focus on the screen.
Jay heard Tim moving around the room briefly before shutting himself in the small bathroom adjacent to where Jay was slouched over the desk. Jay ran his hands down his face and sighed. He hadn’t found anything of actual substance in the hours of content he had recorded, but he wouldn’t have been surprised if he missed something in the state he was in. Forfeiting the editing process for the time being, he got out his phone to update his Twitter. He knew he couldn’t be too specific lest Alex or the hooded man be keeping tabs on it, but he figured he could at least let the viewers know he’d have another entry uploaded tomorrow.
Just as he clicked to post, Tim came out of the bathroom having changed into something resembling pajamas and started to get into his bed, ignoring Jay altogether. Only then did Jay decide to check the time and noticed it was almost eleven already. Jay silently debated attempting to sleep or continuing to edit the entry. On one hand, he was exhausted but on the other hand, he desperately wanted to continue doing something that distracted him from his own thoughts.
“Jay,” Tim said, as if sensing his inner turmoil.
“Hm?” Jay said, not even turning to look at the man.
“Go to bed. You can edit your entry in the morning,” Tim grumbled.
Jay resisted the urge to argue, wondering why Tim even cared in the first place. He had a point, and Jay didn’t feel like making things more tense than they already were. He saved his progress and shut his laptop, double checking the camera as he stood up to make sure it was still recording. He didn’t even bother changing his clothes as he clambered into bed and under the covers. Tim had chosen the bed closest to the door and was facing the wall away from Jay. Jay followed suit and faced the wall as well, his back to Tim. He wasn’t sure if Tim had chosen to be near the door in case he needed a quick escape, or if it was because he wanted to be near it if someone tried to break in. Jay ignored the feeling that rose in his chest at the idea of Tim wanting to be first one in the line of danger despite all the trouble Jay had caused him.
And then the wave of guilt hit him again. Jay knew he did what he had to, but it didn’t stop him from thinking maybe he deserved to get punched. Maybe he deserved the yelling and the tension and the fighting.
“Jay I can literally hear you thinking. Go to bed,” Tim mumbled. Jay couldn’t keep the anger from pouring over the top at Tim’s false caring.
“Why do you even care, Tim?” Jay huffed, ruder than he meant to sound but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “I dragged you into this don’t act like it matters to you what I do with my time.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes and Jay assumed Tim had decided to ignore him.
“Yeah. You dragged me into this, and I’m pissed at you, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy watching someone not take care of themselves. You dragged me into this and brought back everything I thought I overcame, every fear I thought I left behind, but you’re still a person. God knows why you did what you did but you had your reasons. I know how late you stay up watching and re-watching footage, I notice how you don’t fall asleep until two or three hours before we have to wake up, I know because I’ve been there, still am sometimes, and it sucks.”
Jay didn’t know how to respond to that, his guilt clawing its way up his throat. How could this man, whose life he had practically ruined all over again, still treat him with decency? Jay flipped over onto his other side to face Tim, who was still facing the wall.
“I did what I did… because I was scared. I couldn’t just tell you what was going on because the last time I trusted someone, I got held at gunpoint and that person was my best friend. Maybe I shouldn’t have sought you out in the first place but I needed to know what was going on if not for my sake than for Jessica’s. You have every right to hate me but I stand by what I did in regards to not telling you. I didn’t know if I was safe around you,” Jay was speaking before he had a second to think about what he was saying. He tried to ignore how it was his fault Jessica was involved in the first place. Just like Tim. “For what good that did her anyway…” Jay trailed off.
Tim didn’t respond, but he did roll over to face Jay now. Jay could barely even see him in the dark but could hear him sigh deeply before speaking.
“Maybe I was too harsh on you, I shouldn’t have punched you in that parking lot and I’m sorry. I don’t hate you Jay, like I said, you had your reasons. Do you really think I would’ve joined you in this if I hated you or didn’t at least slightly understand? Believe me I’ve had my fair share of self destruction,” Tim said with a sound that could almost be described as a laugh through his nose.
“For what it’s worth, I am sorry for bringing you into this.”
“I won’t say I forgive you, because I don’t, at least not yet, but it’s a start. I could put in more effort of not being a total asshole to you as well.”
Jay almost smiled at that. He didn’t think he deserved forgiveness anyway, but he would welcome a tentative camaraderie with open arms.
“Now seriously, go to sleep, Jay,” Tim said, his voice softer than Jay had ever heard it as he rolled over to face the wall again. This time the silence was closer to comfortable and Jay was able to drift off into sleep. The guilt was still there, but it no longer felt like it was chewing a hole through his chest.