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EDDIE DIAZ IS NOT A LONELY MAN.
How could he be when he has the greatest thing in his life—his son Christopher, who is growing not only in height but far away from him.
He has the 118. The family he chose once he and his son settled in Los Angeles. The family that won’t remind him of the mistakes he made back in Texas. The family that won’t make him feel like he’s a terrible father.
The family that loves him. Mistakes and all.
His captain, Bobby, whom he asks for advice every time he feels lost, and his wife, Athena, who has graciously welcomed him and the other members of the 118 into their family.
Hen, who reminds him of his sisters back in Texas. He appreciates the wine nights he has with Hen and her wife, Karen, as sometimes he has feelings that only another parent can understand.
Chim, who might poke fun at him all day, but he knows he will be there for him, and by extension, Maddie, his wife. They recently had a son, and Eddie would be lying if he said that he’s not jealous. He saw how they took care of the little one, vastly different from his experience with Chris. He wanted to be there when Chris was still a toddler. He still doesn’t know if he did the right thing, escaping to another country so he could earn money for the medical bills.
And there’s Buck, but he’s different. Buck is his best friend, who has had his back ever since they became close. Buck, who filled his nails with mud and dirt as he dug, knowing Eddie was beneath the earth. Buck, who tasted the rusty tang of his blood when he was shot.
Scratch that. He had the 118. Now he’s stuck in El Paso, Texas, his hometown, in his mid-30s, as sick of it as he had been in his 20s. Time has gone on and left its mark, but it has never healed the resentment inside him.
4995 South Bedford Street was home. Not El Paso, not since the two of them found a life in Los Angeles.
Los Angeles was not the dream; in fact, there was no dream at all. Eddie was too exhausted, too hopeless, too drained to dream. The only thing he wanted was to get as far away as possible. He couldn’t bear to live anymore in that house in El Paso, because Texas is where dreams do die.
They’ve been in the lone star state for months now, far away from Los Angeles, from the 118, and from Buck. Eddie tries to not think about it too much, but when he sees Chris smile a certain way, it reminds him of Buck.
“Is it just me,” Ravi whispered to him one time in the firehouse, “or does Chris lowkey look like Buck?” He snorted as a reply, thinking nothing of it.
He went home that night, Ravi’s words still in the back of his mind. When Chris sat across from him for dinner, he stared at him, studying his features.
“Dad, you’re staring at me,” Chris said, looking up from his phone.
“Just thinking about stuff,” He answered.
Later that night, Buck came over, a box of pizza in hand. They sat beside each other on the couch, a firefighter movie playing on the TV.
“What? I wouldn’t do it like that,” Buck said, pointing at the screen. Eddie took the opportunity to look at him, eyeing the soft curls of his hair. Buck turned to look at him, “What?”
He shook his head, “Nothing.” Buck smiled. And then there Eddie saw, for a split second, a smile similar to his son's.
He missed that smile. He can’t remember the last time he physically saw it. Seeing it through a cellphone screen was not enough.
IN TEXAS, Chris sleeps in Eddie’s old room. He stood in front of the shelves, opening and closing the cabinets.
“I didn't know you liked this kind of stuff,” Chris said, rummaging through the drawers. He found a stack of magazines about dancing and put them on the floor.
Eddie watched him from the threshold, leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed, “I outgrew them.” He remembered flipping through the pages of those magazines and practicing them in this very room. He missed being a child, so free of problems.
Chris started flipping through the magazine, “Is it because you had me young?” He looked at Eddie, who was speechless.
Eddie shrugged, “I just had other priorities.”
Chris said, “Yeah, me.” Eddie couldn’t say anything.
“Do you feel robbed?” Chris asked, fidgeting with the corners of the magazine. “Like I robbed you of a life?” He looked away, hiding his face.
“What? No.” Eddie sat beside him, and he put his hands on Chris’s shoulders, “I never thought that, Chris.” He pulled him closer and kissed him on the forehead, “Because you are the best thing in my life.”
THE EL PASO FIRE DEPARTMENT COULDN’T TAKE HIM IN, so he became a driver instead. Texas was claustrophobia incarnate, like an endless labyrinth. He went to places he never wanted to go back to. Some of them never changed, like his high school, where he had met Shannon.
He saw teenage couples walking hand-in-hand, and he felt a twist of shame in his stomach. That was him a decade and a half ago, a child holding hands with a girl, simply basking in the bliss of the moment, unaware of their impending doom. He wondered how many of these teenagers would end up exactly like him. He hoped that they would be smarter and better than him, and with whatever little faith he had left in God, he prayed that those kids wouldn’t make the same mistakes that he did.
The Church was somewhere Eddie did not want to go back to, but he had no other choice, since it was a popular destination on Sundays. He wanted to drive slower, to delay the inevitable, but that would cost him a 5-star rating on the app, which he desperately needed as a new driver.
A passenger of his once asked him, “Do you stop by the Church when you drop passengers here?”
He glanced at her before looking back at the road, “No, Ma’am.” From his peripheral vision, he saw the lady give him a quick, judgmental look.
“You should,” the lady said, her voice stern, “God rewards those who come to his house.”
To avoid confrontation, Eddie smiled before answering, “Maybe I will.”
But he didn’t. He almost ran a red light trying to leave as fast as possible, and when he couldn’t see the Church anymore in the mirror, he exhaled.
Eddie did come to God’s house when he was a teenager, and he’s still waiting for the reward. Did God stop caring when he had a child out of wedlock in his teenage years? Was God on the street with Shannon during the accident, or in the ambulance when she died? No, he wasn’t. Eddie was.
Eddie didn’t need God or a saint, or a miracle, or a prayer to live.
EDDIE AND CHRIS FOUGHT A LOT. Eddie knew that this period would be difficult for both of them and that all this anger was because of love. Eddie never let either of them sleep without talking about it, and every day the rage became smaller and smaller.
Buck was something they didn’t fight over. Texas and his parents may be difficult topics for both of them, but Buck was anything but. They talked about him constantly, but never in Eddie’s childhood home. He was this holy thing they didn’t want Ramon and Helena to tarnish.
They learned their lesson during one horrible night. The four of them sat at the dinner table, the tension palpable in the air. The only noise came from the clacking of the utensils and the low volume of the radio.
“Buck called me earlier,” Chris almost whispered to Eddie beside him. Eddie noticed the glance Ramon and Helena gave each other, but he ignored them, choosing to look at Chris instead.
“What did he say?”
“He was asking for names for his goldfish,” Chris chuckled.
Eddie feigned being hurt, “That means he won’t pick my choice.”
Then, Helena coughed, the kind where it sounded like a warning. Eddie and Chris gave each other a look before continuing to eat.
After dinner, Eddie sat outside on the porch, as usual, to get away from Helena and her judgmental stares and coughs, and Ramon and his stoic look of disappointment. His car was parked a few meters away, and he was itching to go back to his fixer-upper.
The door opened, and he turned around, mentally preparing himself for another tirade from his mother. It was Chris, holding his bag. He sat beside him.
“I don’t think they like Buck very much,” Chris said.
“Yeah,” Eddie patted him on the shoulder, “Doesn’t matter, we like Buck.”
Chris nodded, “We do.”
After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Eddie got up and walked to the car, with Chris following him. Chris fell asleep as soon as he sat on the passenger seat, so Eddie took the longer route home. He tried to carry Chris inside, but he refused.
“I’m not 8 anymore, Dad,” Chris said, yawning.
“You’re still my baby boy,” He replied. Chris gave him an exaggerated cringe face.
They sat on the couch, like they always do. Chris was starting to fall asleep again when their phones rang simultaneously, which could only mean one thing—Buck sent a message in their group chat.
i have decided to name my goldfish Jaws!!
Eddie chuckled and saw Chris typing on the chat.
can we see jaws??
Buck’s reply came quickly.
of course! :D along with a photo of a goldfish inside a small glass jar.
Eddie smiled; he could imagine Buck’s face, so filled with enthusiasm. How he longed to see it again. Without thinking, he sent a message.
Can we also see Jaws’s owner?
“Stop flirting in our gc, Dad,” Chris said beside him.
He turned around, “I’m not flirting,” he said, a bit of stutter in his words.
Chris raised an eyebrow, like he didn’t believe Eddie, “Yes, you were,” he paused, “I don’t want to see it.”
Eddie was speechless, but the notification sound caught his attention back to his phone. Buck sent a photo of himself on the couch; the first thing Eddie noticed was his birthmark, pinkier than normal, which usually happens when Buck is flustered. He had a wide smile and was sticking a thumb up. Eddie swallowed his saliva when his brain registered it: Buck was shirtless, his broad shoulders all in the frame, and Eddie could see tufts of his chest hair.
“What was that?” Chris said, staring at him. Eddie was caught off guard, “What was what?”
Chris made a gesture with his hand, “Whatever, I’m going to sleep.”
Eddie stayed up late that night, Chris’s words in his brain. Was he really flirting with Buck? His mind didn’t register it as flirting; he just liked being playful with Buck, making him smile with his corny jokes. What would Helena think about that?
He just wanted to make Buck smile, his smile a high Eddie loved to chase, and he feels icky every time Buck gets approached by other people in bars or in emergencies. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? What would Ramon think about that?
Okay. But if he was flirting with Buck, does that mean he’s interested in him in that way? He’s not attracted to Buck in that way, but when he remembers how his body reacts every time he sees Buck shirtless, or the way his arms barely fit his uniform, or the expanse of his shoulders…
Isn’t everybody a little bit in love with their best friend?
The next day, Eddie was a zombie. He spent the day driving on autopilot, accepting customers left and right. He was in a daze, and he almost ran the red light twice. He got a couple of 3-4 stars, but he didn’t care.
A pregnant lady and her husband are on the way to the hospital. Did Buck ever think that Eddie was flirting with him? To Eddie, it felt normal, like their usual banter. Would Buck think of it that way, too?
A businessman who spent the ride talking to his secretary. It would be disastrous to assume that Buck would be interested in him. Has dating Eddie ever crossed Buck’s mind? If they dated, nothing would be different; they do everything together anyway. They will be more intimate, kisses in the morning, hugs in the kitchen, cuddling on the couch, sex before going to sleep…
What would God think about that?
A family going to Church. He feels like a sinner now. Maybe the family could pray for him.
THE LONGER TIME WENT ON, the easier it became to accept the truth: he was in love with Buck. It still scared him. Maybe it was the distance that made him feel this way, and when he goes back to Los Angeles, this picture-perfect idea of Buck would shatter, and their relationship would never be the same.
He often ruminated on it. He went to a bar quite far from their house, in his favorite green Henley, jeans that accentuated his ass, and a pair of brown cowboy boots. He was dressing for somebody, a guy in Los Angeles, who’s not here with him. He wondered how Buck would react to seeing him in a cowboy hat. His face would blush pink, a few shades away from his birthmark, and he would look to the ground, his voice stuttering, like he always does.
He chuckled at the thought, the pint of beer cold in his hands. A woman sat beside him, “Looking for some company?”
Normally, this would flatter him, a chance to be intimate with another body for a night. It’s been a long time, after all.
He shook his head. The woman frowned, “My brother’s over there if that’s where your interests lie.” He chuckled, “No, sorry. I just want to be alone.” She shrugged and left him alone.
Going home with somebody felt like the highest of crimes, like sacrilege. He thought about Buck. Was he going to random bars at night since he couldn’t hang out with the Diazes anymore? It felt wrong, wishing Buck were alone instead of being in the arms of somebody else.
But what if Buck wasn’t alone? Maybe there was somebody beside Buck right now, in his old bed. The thought came with a sharp pain in the chest; he drank the rest of the beer to drown it out, but it didn’t help. He put a twenty dollar bill under the glass and left the bar.
He frantically pulled his phone out of his pants, the muscle memory in his fingers automatically finding Buck’s phone number. He paced around outside the bar, a few patrons looking at him, but it didn’t matter. There was nothing else in his mind but Buck.
Buck didn’t answer. Later that night, in his room, he was grateful that Buck didn’t answer. He didn’t know what he was going to say, and if he were to open his heart to Buck and plead for his affection, he would want to do it sober.
He texted Maddie instead. Is Buck seeing somebody? He threw his phone on the bed before going to check on Chris. He knocked, but there was no answer.
“I know you’re still awake there.” He heard a grunt and footsteps. Chris opened the door, “Why are you back early?”
Eddie ruffled his hair, to Chris’s dismay, “Just had some realizations.”
“Is this part of you not lying again or something?” Chris quipped. Eddie chuckled, “Yes, I’ll tell you when I’m ready. I love you.”
“Good night, Dad.” He smiled, and Chris closed the door.
When he came back to his room, Maddie had sent a reply. I don’t think so. Why?
He felt relief in his chest, and he quickly typed a reply. Good. Keep it that way.
Maddie had follow up questions, mostly a bunch of question marks, but he did not reply.
After marinating on it for a few days, Eddie finally admitted the truth to Chris. They were eating take out on the couch, both their feet on the table.
Eddie took a deep breath, “I’m gay, I think,” he said, unsure. Chris looked at him for a few seconds, as if calculating an answer in his mind, “So you’re in love with Buck?”
Eddie’s not even going to ask how he knew that; he was aware that Chris was smart and perceptive. He just smiled and nodded.
“At least he doesn’t look like any dead relative.”
“Chris!”
ON THEIR LAST DAY IN TEXAS, Christopher and Eddie sat side by side on a bench at the airport. The pair shared a tub of ice cream, double dutch, as it was Eddie’s turn to choose this time. He didn’t mention how it was Buck’s favorite flavor.
Going back to Los Angeles was always going to be Chris’s decision. Eddie wouldn’t dare to force him, and he would spend eternity in this hell he calls Texas if it meant being with his son.
Chris knocked on his room one night, hugged him tightly, and whispered to him, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” The next day, they had their tickets booked, and Eddie quickly sold their house at a loss, but it didn’t matter. They were going home.
“I’m going to eat this all,” Chris said beside him. He nodded and gave the tub to Chris. They haven’t told anybody that they were going back to Los Angeles.
“Have you told Buck yet?” Chris asked, scooping the edges of the tub. It was a double entendre, and Eddie knew it.
He felt a stab of anxiety in his chest, “I’ll do it on the plane,” he said, rubbing his restless hands on his pants.
“This is so embarrassing for you, Dad,” Chris laughed, “Having a crush at your big age.”
Eddie rolled his eyes, “I’m not that old.”
“I know, you had me young,” Chris laughed uncontrollably.
Eddie’s jaw dropped. “You are grounded once we land in LA.”
“No, I’m not,” Chris said. And he was right as Eddie sighed and answered, “Yeah.”
Eddie watched as Chris walked to the nearest trash can to throw the tub away. Chris is not a little boy anymore, a conflicting feeling in his chest. He missed the child that Chris was, but he’s excited to meet the man that he will be.
“Do you like being here in Texas, Dad?” Chris asked once he sat down.
Eddie took a while to answer, “It’s bearable when I’m with you.”
“Why?”
Eddie gave him a sad smile, “You’re the only thing I love here.”
Chris’s eyebrows knit in confusion, “What about grandma and grandpa?”
Eddie didn’t know what to answer. He looked around the airport. There were people everywhere; families laughing, friends excited for their first trip, couples crying together, people flying into their future, leaving their past behind. Eddie knew what category they were.
“They’re family, of course I love them,” he paused, “But I’m fine loving them from a distance.” Chris only nodded.
Eddie knew Chris would understand someday.
In the boarding line, Eddie quickly sent a text to Buck. His hands were cold from the anxiety, and he had to go back and correct his typos multiple times. He switched his phone to airplane mode and then put it in his pocket. Chris made a face, “You have no reason to be nervous, Dad.”
Eddie shivered, “I can’t help it.”
BUCK WOKE UP. Eddie’s ringtone was playing on his phone. He reached over the bedside table in excitement. Texts and calls from Eddie and Chris were a godsend, sure to brighten his day.
Hen was the first to notice, “Did Eddie talk to you, Buck?” She asked as soon as Buck walked into the firehouse. He nodded in confusion, panic rising from his stomach, “Is there something wrong?” She shook her head, “No, you just look happy.” Buck said nothing, lowering his head to hide the blush in his face.
Buck blinked a few times upon seeing Eddie’s text. He was waiting for the letters to form other words, or disappear entirely, but they stayed as they were.
Going to land in LAX in about 4 hours. If you want to be boyfriends, meet us there. If not, well, Chris said there’s no way you weren’t going to come, so… I’m waiting. No, Buck, I’m not kidding.
Buck was frozen for a minute. Maybe Eddie was playing a prank on him, or Chris took his phone. But he knew them, and they weren’t that cruel. Eddie was never going to break Buck’s heart like that.
He stood there, his heart beating fast, the adrenaline in his blood flushing out the drowsiness. He rushed to the bathroom, the cold water freshening him up. He brushed his teeth, almost drank the mouthwash, and flossed. He hasn’t seen them in person for months, so he had to look good.
He tore through his cabinet, trying to find the green shirt he knew that Eddie liked. His insistence on ironing clothes after they dry paid off today. He buttoned up quickly, but his hand lingered on the highest one; he looked at himself in the mirror and left it unbuttoned. Maybe Eddie would like to take a peek.
Oh, Eddie. It hasn't sunk in yet. Eddie will be his boyfriend. It sounds like a dream come true. Buck is not religious, but he would like to thank whoever higher power heard his prayers.
He watched Eddie’s car drive off the driveway a few months ago, and that’s when he realized it: he was in love with the man. The moment the car disappeared from his view, his heart broke, and he felt his heart sink in his stomach. How painful it must be to realize you love something the moment it leaves.
When he told Maddie his realization, she was not surprised at all. He cried in her arms that day, like they had done multiple times in the past.
She caressed his hair, “He’ll come back, I know it.” He felt like a little kid again, clutching his big sister for support, but this was worse than a simple gash on the knee; this was a broken heart.
“Yeah, but he doesn’t feel the same way about me, Maddie.”
Maddie said nothing for a while. “He might not, but you have him in ways no woman, or anybody really, can compare.”
He tried to act normally whenever he was talking with Eddie. But he quickly realized that it doesn’t matter. They were never normal about each other anyway.
Sometimes, during their FaceTime calls, Eddie would look at him a certain way. He always put it off, convincing himself that it was only his imagination. He has never been so glad to be proven wrong.
The way to the airport was eventless. But Buck was jittering throughout the ride, cursing every time the traffic lasted for more than a minute. He arrived on time, but that didn’t stop him from power walking through the airport. His eyes never left the screen, counting down the minutes. He wasn’t even sure which airplane from Texas carried his boyfriend and his son.
Some time later, an airplane from Texas arrived. The passengers started to pour out, and each time someone came out that wasn’t Eddie or Chris, the faster his heart thumped; his hands were getting clammy, and he was starting to sweat even though it was practically freezing in the airport.
Then, like a scene from a movie, Eddie and Chris walked out, and time seemed to slow down for Buck. Everything around them was out of focus, and he could feel the relief pour out from his chest. His gaze met Eddie’s, and he saw the traces of anxiety in Eddie’s face slowly morph into a smile. That smile alone made months of loneliness worth it.
He saw Chris lean closer to Eddie to whisper something, and Eddie chuckled. The two of them walked faster, and Buck’s feet moved on their own.
Eddie’s arms around him pulled him back into reality, “Hey, Buck. I miss you.”
“You’re back,” Buck said, his voice muffled by Eddie’s shirt. Eddie’s hands caressed him on the back, and then he pulled away from the hug and tiptoed to kiss Buck on the forehead.
Buck looked down, hiding his smile, then he lowered himself down to hug Chris. “I miss you, Superman,” He said, squeezing Chris gently. Chris chuckled, “I miss you too, Buck.”
Buck looked at Eddie with the softest smile on his face. They stared at each other, a whole conversation in a glance.
“Let’s go home,” Buck said, taking Chris’s bag to carry it.
Chris quickly fell asleep on the back of the car, and Eddie kept looking at him from the passenger seat.
“Stop distracting me, Eddie,” Buck said. Eddie turned around and leaned in closer, his eyes comically large, his face inches away from Buck.
Buck gently pushed him away, and Eddie laughed. After a beat, Buck spoke up, “So,” he trailed off, “boyfriends?”
Eddie put his hand on Buck’s leg and tapped his fingers, “Yup.” Buck lowered his right hand to hold hands with Eddie. “Boyfriends, for forever.”
“Is Jaws still alive?” Eddie asked him during a red light.
Buck frowned, “No.”
AS SOON AS THEY ENTERED THEIR HOUSE, Chris spoke up, loud and clear, “Please keep the making out to a minimum.” He didn’t even look back; he went straight to his room.
Eddie and Buck looked at each other, shock in their faces, then they laughed. Eddie put his hand on Buck’s face, his finger gently tracing his birthmark, “I love you, Buck.”
Buck tried to lower his face, but Eddie held him still, “Stop doing that, I want to see you, Buck. You’re beautiful.”
Buck smiled, “I love you too, Eddie.” He pulled Eddie down for a kiss. They kissed like this wasn’t their first time doing it, as if they knew what the other liked, like a choreographed dance. Eddie closed his eyes, memorizing every detail of the kiss, of Buck. His lips tasted like mint, and he sucked in, desperate to taste more.
Buck pulled away from the kiss, catching his breath. “Let’s continue that for another day,” He said, holding a finger up.
Eddie raised an eyebrow, “Not putting out for me, Buckley?” He leaned in to kiss Buck’s birthmark. He saw Buck try to lower his head, but he stopped. Eddie leaned in for a whisper, “Show me that firehose.”
Buck pushed him away gently, horrified. He rolled his eyes, “Oh, God. That’s so cringe.”
He quickly pulled Eddie close to him, shocking the man, and whispered in a sultry voice, “Take me out for dinner first, then you can experience firehose.”
Buck would never forget Eddie’s reaction at that moment, and he laughed as he walked to their room.
In the end, Eddie was glad Texas happened. It was painful, but it made him a better man, a better father for Chris, and hopefully a better partner for Buck.
THE END