Work Text:
Kevin walks quickly through the town; eyes scanning all around him. It feels like everyone are staring at him but as soon as he looks the people around him seem to be busy with their phones.
No one seems to be interested in him, so why does it feel like they are all staring at him; all judging him? He feels paranoid as he walks toward the grocery shop.
They’ve all got a few days off now to rest before their upcoming gigs. It’s been a rough week and maybe that’s why Kevin is feeling so much anxiety at the moment. He will never understand himself; he can perform in front of thousands of people without a problem but then he gets so overwhelmed by something as easy as going grocery shopping.
In the store it gets even worse; it’s packed with people and it feels like his brain stops functioning for a moment. There’s no way he can focus on the groceries he needs; not when he can feel everyone’s eyes on him. Or at least he thinks they are looking at him, but once again they’re not. Maybe a few people give him a passing glance but that’s it. Yet his brain is convinced they’re all watching his every move.
He ends up fleeing the store without getting anything; his long legs taking him quickly away from all the people. He isn’t thinking anymore, just walking and it isn’t long before he’s back at his apartment, wondering how he got there.
Kevin sits down on his couch and just stares in front of him, not knowing what to do. He basically had one job, all he had to do was get groceries, and he couldn’t even do that. He needs to go back out again but the thought of being around people makes him panic.
His chest is getting heavy now as he picks up his phone. His wife is working, he knows that, so he won’t call her. He instead finds Jakob’s number and calls him. His friend picks up after just a few seconds.
“Hi Kevin!”
Kevin realizes he doesn’t know what to say, so he just says his friend’s name and he hears how his own voice trembles when he says it.
“Kevin?” Jakob’s voice is concerned now. “Kevin, are you okay?”
“I… No, I’m not.”
He's still rooted to the spot; just staring at the wall in front of him and it feels like he can barely move. He doesn’t know what to do.
“Are you at home?”
“Yes.”
“Stay there, I’ll come over.”
“You don’t have to come,” Kevin says automatically, not wanting to be a bother, but oh, how he wants his friend there. He can’t ask that of him though but he hopes Jakob will be stubborn enough to come over anyway, despite Kevin telling him he doesn’t have to.
“I want to, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Keivn lets out a sigh of relief at Jakob’s words and he can hear Jakob chuckle softly at him.
“Of course I’ll be there, Kev. You are allowed to ask, you know?”
Jakob had figured out his thought process, of course he had, they know each other so well after all. He shouldn’t be surprised at all. Kevin feels a little embarrassed but mostly relieved that his friend understands him so well and is so reassuring.
“I’ll be on my way. Is it okay if I hang up?”
Kevin nods before realizing that Jakob can’t see him.
“Yes.”
“Good, I’ll be right there. I’ll see you soon.”
After the phone call ends Kevin just continues to stare at the wall for a while before slowly lying down on the couch with his knees tucked against his chest. He still feels empty somehow and it’s like he doesn’t know what to do. He tells himself to just breathe in and out and to focus on that. Jakob will be here soon; things will be alright.
It feels like forever until the doorbell rings and Kevin walks over to open the door. As soon as Jakob has closed the door behind him, Kevin steps forward and hugs his friend tightly, pressing his forehead against Jakob’s shoulder. Jakob’s arms wrap around him immediately; one hand rubbing Kevin’s back and the other cupping the back of his head.
“Kevin,” Jakob breathes out against his hair. “I’ve got you. What’s going on?”
“It’s stupid,” he says against Jakob’s shoulder and Jakob shakes his head.
“I’m sure it’s not. Let’s sit down and you can tell me what happened.”
Kevin nods and reluctantly lets go off his friend. Without Jakob’s arms around him it feels like he will drown. Fortunately he doesn’t have to wait long because Jakob just quickly kicks his shoes off before putting an arm around Kevin and he suddenly feels whole again.
They sit down on the couch together and Jakob gently grabs Kevin’s hand in his as he looks at him.
“Wanna tell me what’s wrong?”
“I… I was going to go shop for groceries and there were so many people. It usually isn’t that much of a problem but I just couldn’t… It felt too much. Everything was too much. I went back home without buying anything and I called you.”
Kevin is almost afraid of looking at Jakob as he says it, he feels so ashamed of not being able to handle such an easy task as grocery shopping. There is no judgement from Jakob though and when Kevin meets his friend’s eyes they are filled with so much understanding that Kevin’s heart melts a little in his chest.
“And how are you feeling now?”
“I don’t know. It’s like I can’t think, I don’t know what to do and I just feel like such a failure.”
“You’re not a failure, some days are just bad.”
Kevin lets out a hollow laugh at his friend’s words. Having a bad day is one thing but he can’t even go out shopping. He feels so guilty about having to bother Jakob because of such a small thing.
“Do you remember Grammisgalan?” Jakob’s words pull Kevin out of his thoughts. “I had such a bad day back then, it was ridiculous, really.”
It wasn’t ridiculous, Kevin thinks. Not at all. He remembers it well, remembers how Jakob had struggled. He remembers how pale and quiet his friend was as he fidgeted with his hands. Jakob didn’t have to say anything because Kevin and Axel just knew that he wouldn’t be able to interact much with people, if even at all, so they made him sit in the middle and shielded him from the other celebrities. They checked in on him from time to time, asking if there was anything they could do. There wasn’t, is what Jakob had said, but their support helped.
“It’s not the same. You got through that day.”
Jakob rolls his eyes a bit at his friend’s words but still with a gentle smile on his face.
“You and Axel got me through that day. Just as I will get you through this one.”
Jakob studies Kevin then and seems to realize something.
“Kevin, you don’t seriously think I’m judging you over this?”
“No, I don’t think you ever would. But… I’m judging myself.”
He hears how Jakob hums at his words before replying:
“I can relate to that. We shouldn’t be judging ourselves though, but easier said than done, huh?”
“Yeah,” Kevin says as he looks down at his hands. It feels a bit better knowing his friend understands him, but of course he would. He feels guilty for even doubting that in the first place.
“Kevin, look at me.”
Kevin looks up at Jakob and sees his friend’s soft and gentle smile. There’s something about that smile that makes the weight on his shoulders feel a little bit lighter, if so only for a while.
“We’ll get through this, okay? Just give me a list of what to get and I’ll go shopping for you.”
“No,” Kevin hears his own voice wavering at the word. “I don’t think I can be alone right now. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, it’s okay Kev,” Jakob’s voice is soothing as he wraps his arms around Kevin and holds him tightly. “I won’t leave you then, it’s alright, we all have these days.”
Kevin pushes his head against Jakob’s shoulder and lets himself be comforted by his friend. Jakob rubs soothing circles into his back as he keeps on telling Kevin that it’s alright.
“I think… I think I could go with you. As long as you’re there I might be fine. I just can’t be alone.” Kevin whispers against his friend’s shoulder and he feels how Jakob nods against him.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
He pulls away from the hug and looks at Jakob who smiles at him.
“Okay. Do you want to go now or do you wanna wait?”
“Let’s go now,” Kevin says. “I want to get it done.”
“Come on then.”
They stand up and step out into the hallway. Kevin is fine with it at first, or he convinces himself he is fine at least. Then he starts thinking about what they are actually going to do and he feels himself spiralling again. So when Jakob starts putting on his shoes, Kevin freezes. He feels like he has to do this but the thought of going back out there with all the people is overwhelming. They’re all going to stare at him and Jakob being there won’t change that. His stomach flips and for a moment it feels like he’s going to be sick.
Jakob turns around at that moment and something must be visible on Kevin’s face because his friend frowns and takes a step closer to him.
“Kevin, what’s wrong?”
“I…” He can’t get the words out because the nausea keeps rising within him and he claps a hand over his mouth as he tries to breathe through it.
“Are you gonna be sick?”
“No, I think…” He swallows before continuing: “I think not but I’m really nauseous.”
Jakob nods before kicking off his shoes again.
“Let’s get you something to drink.”
Jakob leads him into the kitchen and sits him down on a chair before getting him a glass of water.
“Here,” he says; placing the glass in front of Kevin. “Small sips.”
Kevin grabs the glass but notices that his hands are shaking too much. Jakob sits down next to him and helps him drink a few sips before putting the glass back down.
“Better?” He asks and Kevin nods.
“Yeah, a little. It just hit me all of a sudden.”
Jakob nods and places a hand on his forehead as if to feel for a temperature.
“No fever, but you’re covered in sweat. Are you sure you’re not coming down with something?”
“I don’t think so, I just panicked. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, it’s okay.”
Kevin shakes his head. It’s not okay, his brain screams at him. Jakob is trying his best to help and nothing works. Kevin can’t go out again and he can’t even be alone for a few minutes either. He needs to get the shopping done; that’s the only task he had for today and he can’t even do that. The thought of not getting the shopping done makes him panic but the thought of actually shopping makes him panic as well.
He can feel his breathing start to quicken and he closes his eyes to try to stave off the incoming panic attack. He can feel the pressure around his ribcage as he struggles to breathe.
“Easy, Kev. Can I touch you?”
Kevin nods without even looking at his friend and then there’s a warm hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles.
“Breathe with me Kevin.”
Jakob leans in then and with his free hand he grabs one of Kevin’s hands and brings it to his chest. Kevin can feel the way his friend’s chest moves with every calm breath under his hand and he tries to focus on it.
After what feels like an hour of sitting like that he finally gets back control of his breathing. Jakob’s been with him the whole time, breathing steadily while whispering soothing words to his friend.
Kevin feels dizzy now and his head is spinning so he moves his glass out of the way a bit so he can lay his head down on the table.
“How are you feeling?”
Jakob has still got a gentle hand on his back as he speaks to him and the hand grounds Kevin as he fights back the dizziness.
“I’m dizzy,” Kevin murmurs and then Jakob’s hand disappears from his back and Kevin feels lost for a moment as Jakob stands up and walks around before crouching down on the other side of Kevin’s chair.
“Turn around a bit, come here,” Jakob instructs and Kevin turns around on his chair so he’s facing Jakob.
“Head between your knees.”
Kevin does as he’s told and Jakob places a hand on his shoulder.
“There we go, stay like this for a bit. You’re alright, Kev.”
Once the dizziness has subsided, Kevin sits up properly and drags a hand over his face.
“You okay?” Jakob reaches out and holds Kevin’s free hand in his own, thumb rubbing over the back of it.
“Yeah, I’m just really tired all of a sudden.”
“How about you go to sleep for a while then? Take a short nap and I can wake you whenever you want.”
Kevin nods and then an idea strikes him. If he’s asleep he won’t be able to overthink and he won’t feel alone without Jakob there.
“Could you go out shopping when I’m asleep? I wouldn’t know you were gone then.”
Jakob looks at him with hesitation in his eyes. “Are you sure? It can wait; I don’t have to go now. I don’t want to stress you out further.”
“I’m sure,” Kevin says. “I’ll just get more stressed out if it doesn’t get done soon.”
“Okay,” his friend replies. “Just write me a list then. And I might need your keys as well if you want me to lock the door.”
After Kevin has given a shopping list and his keys to Jakob, he heads into the bedroom with Jakob after him. Jakob places a chair beside the bed and sits down on it as Kevin lies down. Kevin didn’t want Jakob to leave before he had fallen asleep and of course Jakob understood. So he sits next to Kevin and tucks him in as Kevin closes his eyes.
Kevin doesn’t even remember falling asleep but he must have at some point, because Jakob wakes him up gently by nudging his arm.
“Kev, I’m back.”
Kevin blinks up at his friend. He’s back that means… Oh. It’s finally done. He doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. And to think it had just seemed like the shopping would never get done.
He starts laughing then as he sits up and he just can’t stop laughing. He sees Jakob’s concerned look and tries to hold back on the laughter a bit.
“I’m sorry,” Kevin says. “I just, I can’t believe I made such a big deal out of it.”
Jakob starts laughing then as well as he hugs Kevin; holding him tightly against him.
“See? It’s all good now.”
Kevin hugs him back; smiling brightly until he realizes something. Jakob has helped him with this, there’s no reason for him to stay anymore. Kevin can’t ask him to stay any longer and he’s sure Jakob has better things to do on his day off, but the thought of his friend leaving feels almost unbearable.
Jakob seems to sense something’s wrong because he pulls away from the hug but keeps a hand on Kevin’s arm.
“Kevin, you okay?”
“Yeah, I just… You have to leave now, don’t you?”
“Not unless you want me too. I was planning to stay. We could hang out, watch a movie, play Mario Kart or something. Whatever you want, just to get you in a better headspace for a moment.”
Jakob smiles softly as he strokes Kevin’s arm and as happy as Kevin feels to hear that, he still feels a little bit guilty. A little bit, but Jakob doesn’t seem to mind being here at all.
Kevin only hesitates a little before murmuring “Mario Kart does sound nice.”
The words make Jakob’s face lights up into a smile; it’s the kind of smile that brightens a room.
“Good, I’m looking forward to kicking your ass.”
A laugh slips out of Kevin again. Everything feels easier now and Jakob’s smile gets even bigger if possible.
They sit down on Kevin’s couch and start up the game. They’ve played this so many times before and it always turns into a friendly competition. They’re both good at the game but Kevin is slightly better and wins the first two games. On the third game Jakob is in the lead until he crashes right before the finishing line and Kevin drives past him to claim the win.
“Oh, come on! I was so close.” Jakob laughs and leans his head against Kevin’s shoulder.
“Not close enough,” Kevin quips and Jakob shakes his head.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better. This is really fun actually.”
“It is. Thank you,” Kevin hopes his words convey the gratitude he’s feeling and it seems like they do because Jakob leans in and hugs him.
“No need to thank me. You’d do the same for me.”
“Always,” Kevin says and wraps his arms around Jakob in return; holding him tightly for a few seconds before letting go.
“Alright,” Jakob says. “Ready to get your ass kicked this time?”
Kevin just laughs.
Jakob does manage to win this time and lets out a “YES!” as he almost leaps off the couch. Kevin just sits there looking at him with a raised eyebrow until his friend sits back down again with a sheepish look on his face. Jakob has never been able to hold back on his glee when winning anything. As charming as it is it might sometimes piss people off. Not Kevin though.
“Sorry,” Jakob says as Kevin laughs.
“You’re hopeless,” he says but with a fond grin on his face and Jakob smiles back at him before they start another game.
Jakob ends up staying until Kevin’s wife gets back home, just to make sure Kevin doesn’t have to be alone. Kevin feels a lot better now, having Jakob here has lifted his spirits and he’s completely forgotten about his earlier panic.
He hugs Jakob before his friend leaves and Jakob nestles into the hug with a content sigh.
“Thank you,” Jakob says. “I’ve had fun today.”
He says it as if Kevin has done something for him and like it’s not the other way around with Jakob having to go out and travel across the town to do grocery shopping for Kevin. Kevin feels like protesting at first; saying he’s the one that should be thanking Jakob. He doesn’t though, he just holds Jakob a little bit tighter before letting go of him.
“I love you,” Kevin says as he looks at his friend and Jakob smiles then; a soft smile that makes his eyes crinkle.
“I love you too. If you need me again, don’t be afraid to call and I’ll come. If not, I’ll see you on Friday.”
“I’ll see you then,” Kevin says and waves as Jakob steps out the door. Kevin shuts the door behind his friend with a smile; his anxiety from earlier completely gone.