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It will be four more hours until Leo lands in Korea.
He was glad that he was placed in the window seat, since all he did the entire flight was look out towards the golden sunset, wondering if the sun he was gazing at was the same one that witnessed Sangwon back home. He leans his head in the glass, closing his eyes to bask in the evening afterglow before he allowed himself to succumb to flashbacks of the events that had led up to this moment.
Leo’s family was surprised to see him come down for dinner that night. Ever since they fetched him from the airport, he had locked himself up in his room, only coming down for light snacks during the hour where everybody else had fallen asleep. On the bad days, they could hear him sobbing through the walls until morning had arrived, and there were also times that gave them a scare because they couldn’t even hear any movement from his room down the hall. Despite all the hugs and comfort and encouraging words they could provide, they knew it was not enough, and it was frustrating, for all of them.
So imagine their surprise when Leo said with a mouthful of rice and chicken,
“I’m going back to Korea.”
All of them were in a stunned silence as Leo continued to eat his dinner. They shared confused and nervous glances at each other; confused by his decision, and nervous of what it insinuates.
His father was the first one to speak, setting down his spoon and clearing his throat. “What do you mean by this, son?” he asked in a light and careful manner, curious, but not to the point that it would be suffocating, for he did not want to drive Leo further away than he already was.
Leo’s older sister rubbed her forehead with a pained sigh. “You cannot possibly be thinking—“
Their father cut her off with a knowing look, and his sister hesitantly obliged, knowing the smallest amount of words is the same as a dagger in the current situation. The least they could do is not hurt Leo with their concern. He was still looking down, picking on the remnants of food on his plate before he inhaled deeply. “Thank you for welcoming me back home when I needed it the most, and I am sorry for worrying you,” Leo started, making sure to look at each of his family members, “but I don’t want to give up on myself anymore. I want to try again.”
The air was heavy with the weight of the months that passed them by. Leo’s family was silent, not knowing what to say without everything crashing down on everyone all at once. His father was thinking of ways to encourage him to stay, and his sister was preparing to reason with him with fashion school opportunities, but before they could even manage to speak, Leo’s mom turned to him and placed her hand on top of his.
“Will you be okay?”
The most common question a person could ask, four words that are often said in passing, but Leo knew the depth of what his mother had just asked him; if he was prepared for the world to see him again, that even if it does, he will not succumb to it. That he will be strong.
Leo gave his mother a resolute look and nodded. “I’ll be okay, Mom.”
She smiled, bringing a plateful of spaghetti towards him. “You need to eat more then,” she replied, “you must build up your energy before you leave.”
A soft buzz on his phone jolted Leo out of his thoughts. He looked down at his screen, his heart doing a small jump when he read the message notification below.
Lee Sangwon: Call me when you land, hyung. See you soon <3
He exhaled deeply and tucked his phone in his pocket, leaning his head on the window as he tried to calm himself down. He could be worrying about more reasonable things; what he would do once he lands, how he’s gonna handle people seeing him again, what companies he should audition for to start over again. But his biggest worry at the moment was how he’d face Sangwon once he sees him at the airport.
He didn’t understand himself. He had spent time with Sangwon a thousand times before, and it wasn’t like they didn’t video call each other when Leo was still back in Australia.
But this was Sangwon, and after everything that happened, he wasn’t so sure that his best friend still saw him in the same way.
And they will be meeting in person after so long. What should he do first when he sees him? Hug him? If so, should he go for a full arm wrap or a casual arm around the shoulder? Should he ask how long he’s been waiting, or check on how he is first? Leo kept worrying about all the unimportant things of a first meeting that should have been natural to him by now, but this was Sangwon. Leo needs to be prepared.
Leo stares at Sangwon’s message.
An old memory resurfaces.
Lee Sangwon: Text me when you arrive, see you soon! <3
Leo smiled as he looked out the window of the moving train. It was spring, and Sangwon’s second week at Hanlim had just ended. He had told his best friend he wanted to pick him up so they could visit a cafe in celebration of him doing so well in school so far, but it was really just an excuse to spend time with Sangwon. Leo had saved up enough money to buy Sangwon an extra order for today; he’d make him choose anything he’d like, even if it exceeded his budget. He’ll find a way to make it work.
At the train stop’s announcement, Leo stepped off the platform, shivering from the rush of cold spring wind that greeted him once the doors had opened. He walked past the crowds of people who went about their day, navigated a couple of busier streets, until he stood in front of the esteemed red bricked building that housed the best of the best in talent and prestige; the futures of the Kpop industry.
Cherry blossom petals were fluttering in the air, scattering the atmosphere with the promise of new beginnings. Amidst the falling fragments of the pink flowers, Leo sees Sangwon in the distance.
He was laughing, his eyes squinted in glee, mouth open to let out all the joy that was born with him. A few petals had fallen on his hair, as if the flowers had bloomed just so parts of them can be graced with the privilege of feeling him. The late afternoon sun painted him in rays of pale gold, and for a fraction of a second, Leo noticed how brown Sangwon’s eyes were as he stood in the spot where the light shone on his face in the perfect angle, painting him in a way that no art could ever replicate. He was beautiful.
He always was.
Leo began to make his way towards him, but stopped in his tracks when he noticed that Sangwon was talking to another person. A boy their age.
The boy had fluffy brown hair and pale skin, and exuded the kind of aura that drew people in, the kind of light airiness that brought people together. His smile, even though it came nowhere near to Sangwon’s, could rival the other well-known students in their batch and even the older debuted idols whose charm was designated to be unreachable. Leo knew him; the youngest member of a debuted group, but he couldn’t quite place the exact name of it. The one thing he was sure about, was that this boy was probably adored and loved by many just by one glance at him.
They were laughing, the sunlight gently pouring over their wind-tousled hair, and Leo felt the undeniable need to intrude in this obviously platonic moment, because Sangwon was smiling, and it was not because of him.
He strides over the street quickly, carefully moving past the students exiting the premises before he surprised Sangwon by wrapping an arm around his shoulders, ruffling his hair in a rush of cuteness aggression. Sangwon let out a gasp, skin flushing as he turned his head to meet Leo’s sudden greeting halfway. He smiled, the small weight inside his chest lifting at the sight of it, and softly nudged Leo’s side. “Hey, you’re here!” Sangwon exclaimed excitedly, “you should’ve called out, you surprised me.”
Leo chuckled, not moving his arm from Sangwon’s shoulders. “Will never miss that opportunity, Won.”
Sangwon scrunched his nose in approval before gesturing towards his friend. “Hyung, this is Kangmin, my friend,” he introduced the brunette, “he’s also in the Practical Dance Department.”
Kangmin smiled and waved, one hand clasping the strap of his backpack. “You must be Leo,” he said in a knowing manner. Leo’s heart started to race because of his tone. Why did Kangmin seem to know who he was despite this being the first time they have met? Had Sangwon talked about him so much to the point that he was recognizable just through his stories alone? “Sangwon always mentions you.”
Leo was thankful that he could blame the chilly spring wind for the rising flush across his cheeks as he pocketed his hands in his hoodie pockets and returned Kangmin’s smile.
The boys exchanged a few more pleasantries until the sun had started to set, and they took it as their cue to say goodbye and part their ways. Sangwon and Leo headed towards the nearest café, stomachs rumbling, and breaths exhaling in relief as they were greeted by heated aromatic air at the first push of large glass doors. They sat at the farthest booth in the corner, preferring to be out of sight of anyone that could recognize them in this little space that was temporarily theirs for the time-being. Plates of french fries and cheesecake were quickly getting emptied, and they were content, and Leo was happy.
Until he remembered Sangwon’s friend.
He cleared his throat, swirling the straw in his half-finished drink. “So,” he began, tongue poking out the side of his cheek, “Kangmin, huh?”
His best friend raised an eyebrow at Leo’s comment. “Yeah? What about him?”
Leo let out an exaggerated sigh, crossing his arms and looking away to hide the forming pout on his lips. He didn’t like how he felt when he saw Sangwon with another guy. “Nothing, you guys just looked really happy earlier.”
A few seconds had passed before Sangwon had understood why Leo was acting that way. He started laughing loudly, and the few remaining people inside had looked in their direction because the noise had resounded through all four corners of the café. He threw a french fry at his best friend, who responded with a gasp and a yell.
“Hey! You’re wasting food!”
“And you’re being ridiculous!”
Heat flared up Leo’s neck, and he started rapidly slicing his cheesecake to ignore Sangwon’s laughter. Of course he would respond like this. He doesn’t understand.
“No one could amount to you, you know that, right?”
Sangwon was now looking at him intently, his head tilted with a smile, any trace of his earlier laughter now dissolved in the atmosphere. Leo forced himself to return his gaze, the petty feelings that bubbled inside his chest starting to die down at the still of his heart, because Sangwon had reassured him that he was always first.
He was first.
So they left the topic through another fit of laughter, with Sangwon telling him to act like his age, and Leo being defensive about it.
In retaliation, a mischievous thought came to him as he took one glance at his best friend, who was busy trying to finish the last quarter of fries left on his plate. Leo inched his hand towards the golden fries, only for it to be swatted dramatically with a gasp by the younger boy. “I asked you if you wanted a second round, and you said no,” Sangwon said in a high-pitched tone, moving his plate away from Leo’s reach, “you have no right to steal my last batch now.”
“Pleaseee?” Leo merrily extended his voice in faux pleading, chin in his hand and a subtle smirk on his lips at the sight of Sangwon’s pouting face. “Just give me one, your hyung’s asking nicely.”
Leo remembered that moment as clear as a cloudless sky on a warm summer’s day. He was waiting for Sangwon’s dismissive retort, for him to shield his plate with his arms and feign a glare before he resumed eating. He was prepared for it to be a moment of passing, a light-hearted provocation of teasing, and they’d slip back into their normal routine of conversation and laughter, just as it always was between the two of them. Instead, Sangwon looked at him, and for a fraction of a second his eyes glassed over, his eyebrows subtly creasing downward into an expression Leo had never seen him make before. Then he smiled. Not his usual one, but a look that seemed to slip past a careful facade he seemed to had tried so hard to cover.
A fraction of a second.
Then Sangwon chuckled, and moved his plate towards Leo’s side of the table, and Leo couldn’t reply with his usual smugness, nor could he seem to get rid of the heartbeat in his ears. He just stared ahead, replaying what had just passed him by, and his best friend tilted his head with a closed grin, gesturing towards the last bits of fries in front of him. “You can have it, hyung,” he said, “you’re my exception anyways.”
It was 8:29 pm. The sky was a starry navy blue, and spring had arrived again in a shower of falling petals outside the window. The city glowed outside of the café, and the passing trains could be heard in the distance in a rush of clunking metal. People were starting to file out as closing time nears, and the world was slowly starting to fall asleep, and in that moment nothing else had ever mattered, because Leo knew a part of him will always remain in this moment.
Forever.
Leo opened his eyes to a clutter of noise and movement. He looked around, and saw passengers hauling down their luggage from the upper trunks, beginning to disembark. He looked outside, and youthful memories of sun and snow passed through him in whiplash. He wasn’t ready.
Because he was now in Korea, the place he once wore as a second skin.
The place that threw him out.
———
Customs and immigration went by in a blur, until Leo found himself sitting at the benches at the farthest place from the exit, luggage in front and mind absent. He didn’t want to keep Sangwon waiting; he knew that he was somewhere in the airport, in a sea of arrivals and departures as he scanned the crowds for any sight of his best friend. Eventually, Leo will stand up, and head on over to the airport entrance, until he’s standing face to face with the very person he’s dreamed of for the past four and a half months. But not now. He could barely even exist without shaking.
The intercom suddenly rang all throughout the dome building.
“The flight bound for Los Angeles on Gate 4 is now boarding.”
A familiar ache resurfaced alongside another old memory.
Trainee A had just finished their busking performance at Venice Beach, and Leo could still feel the summer sun scorching down his skin, the dance music echoing off the speakers, and the loud cheers that managed to make all of it worth it and bearable. All of them had settled back into their rooms, and he was starting to doze off in front of his lyrics sheet when Sangwon entered his room.
He was dressed, wearing a blue sweater and grey shorts, with a black beanie flattening out the bangs across his forehead. Sangwon crept in with slow and careful steps, as if it was wrong that he was inside his best friend’s room in the middle of the night. “Hyung,” he whispered gently, “are you asleep?”
Leo rubbed his eyes and stretched his arms behind his back, remnants of sleep still heavy on his eyelids. “Was just about to, Won,” he yawned lowly as he leaned his head in the palm on his hand, “do you need anything?”
Sangwon’s face creased quickly; eyes ablaze with moonlight and lips curled upward before he grabbed the nearest pair of sneakers and held it in front of Leo’s face. “Come on, let’s explore the city.”
It was already 1:24 am, and Leo knew that safety is not guaranteed in this place once the sun had already set. “Won, it’s too late now, you know how dangerous it gets during this time,” he gestured towards the clock, hoping to reason with his best friend, “let’s just explore with the others tomorrow, okay?”
The younger boy groaned and shook Leo’s arm back and forth, his body swaying with the movement. “We only have a few more days left here, let’s make the most out of it,” Sangwon whined, making sure to catch Leo’s gaze in the dark, “and besides, nothing bad can happen because you’re with me.”
And since Leo was a weak man who could never say no to Sangwon, they escaped into the sleeping Los Angeles without a knowing soul.
Leo was glad that he was able to rent a Vespa this morning as he drove into the starlight with Sangwon behind his back. Los Angeles was beautiful, and the city lights glowed differently than Korea, painting the landscape with rich golds and neon colors, waking proof that the city was so full of life even if the entire world had fallen asleep. Cars and motorcycles zoomed past them, and the intermingled sound of engines faded into the distance with the rush of the midnight wind. Leo felt a small weight on his back, a pair of arms wrapping around his waist before something had pressed into the crook of his shoulder, slightly wrinkling the fabric of his shirt with an inhale. Sangwon had leaned his head on his back and breathed him in, taking in the faint scent of cologne and cheesecake while he held him close, as if it was the most natural thing for him to do. The intimacy of it made time stop for Leo for a fraction of a second, as if the laws of physics had bent the rules for him to process the weight of what just happened. Then time started running again, the moment gone, but still lingering in the wind, and Leo decided that it was not something he should think about too much.
It was always like this between the two of them.
The road had taken them to the famous pathways littered with giant red stars gilded in gold, monuments and accolades for the people who had left their mark in the entertainment industry; The Hollywood Walk of Fame. They traversed the tiles with extra care, leaning down to read the golden letters that spelled out well-renowned names and the symbols attributed to them. Sangwon read out their names in careful English, wary of the limitations of his pronunciation. Leo chuckled, and gently helped him correct it, just like how he did in the blazing afternoon sun when Sangwon addressed the people who came to watch them perform.
“I definitely see your name being in a red star someday,” Sangwon turned towards his best friend, certainty in his smile, “the world will not be prepared once they truly see you.”
Leo forced himself not to stare; at the upturn of Sangwon’s eyes, the curve of his cherry lips, the way the city glowed on his face just like how it framed the moment of love at first sight in the movies; in focus, surroundings blurred, golden.
He jogged to reach Sangwon’s pace, gently nudging his arm with his elbow with a smirk on his face. “Both of our names, Won,” Leo corrected, looking up towards the summer sky, “we’ll make it, together.”
Before Sangwon could even form a larger smile on his face, his almond eyes widened when a sudden yell of declaration from his best friend pierced the atmosphere, his arms outstretched in resolve towards the night sky. “Hear that Los Angeles?! We’re gonna be amazing!”
And instead of telling him to lower his voice, or bring his arms down to his sides, Sangwon allowed his laughter to prolong their noise, since it was just like Leo to call out to the world ambitiously no matter where he was. It did not take long for his best friend to burst as well, until they felt like the ground was wobbling from underneath them from how much their bodies were shaking with joy.
When they had managed to calm themselves down and return to coherency, the both of them went back to the Vespa, circling down more avenues and streets since Sangwon wanted to visit one more place before they headed back. The sight of large vintage street lights came into view, tall stone pillars situated close together that were half the size of the palm trees that lined the pavement. Sangwon had rushed to get off the vehicle, an obvious bounce in his step to indicate his excitement, and Leo just stared and took it all in; storing a new memory and saving it for later.
Sangwon skipped through the narrow walkways between the street lamps, hands behind his back in firm observation. He held unto a street lamp and twirled around it, his eyes reflecting the soft glow of the lights above. “This place is called Urban Light, and everything in here is powered by solar energy,” he introduced to his best friend, who was leaning on an opposite streetlight, soaking in all the words Sangwon has to say with a smile on his face. “They keep it open 24/7, isn’t that so amazing, hyung? And the paintings in the art museum are so beautiful too, but unfortunately they only have specific opening hours. I was really looking forward to going here with y—with the others.”
Sangwon looked away, letting out a small cough to hide his slip-up. Leo allowed him.
In a few more hours, the dawn would seep through the night to drown out the stars, and the world would start to move again. The neon city lights would become a fever dream, their escapade a new memory, and they’d return to Seoul, chasing after the future they had fought so hard to build once more. But for now, in this narrow space between the streetlights where they didn’t have to pretend anymore, it was enough.
“When we debut, let’s go back here again,” Leo added with a smile as he looked at his best friend, “I’ll take you to all the places you want to go to, okay?”
Sangwon lit up in response. “You promise?”
His chest ached. “Of course, Won.”
Leo wished he could fill the empty space just like he did when they were in the Walk of Fame, but his heart had wanted to breathe after performing for so long. So he just basked in the moment; the faint rumble of engines from the intersection, the palm trees that waved in the summer night breeze, the glow of street lamps that had felt like home, and how Sangwon glowed brighter just by existing.
“Sangwon?” he called out.
“Yes?” the younger boy responded.
“I love you.” Leo said casually, matter-of-factly.
Sangwon’s eyes had widened before he let out a wet chuckle.
“I love you too.”
Nothing changed between them that night. They returned to the hotel, slipping under the covers and pretending to wake alongside everyone else. All of them uncovered the most seen and hidden parts of Los Angeles together in the remaining days left in their visit, until they found themselves on the plane back to the place where everything started.
Sangwon and Leo never mentioned that night again. They allowed it to exist without question. Truthfully. Meaningfully.
They knew what they meant.
It was enough.
Thirty minutes had passed since Leo landed. He stood in front of the airport entrance, making no effort into being seen. People hurrying to catch flights rushed past him, and friends and family members ran to hug each other in their own tearful reunions. In a place full of discovery and movement, Leo had wanted to hide himself again.
But he had promised his family that he’d be okay, that he can do it. He reminded himself why he came back home.
Then he saw the reason in the distance, looking out towards the crowds.
His hair had grown longer in the months Leo had been away, now stopping just above his cheekbones. The lower half of his face was covered with a mask to avoid being recognized, and his brown eyes were void of the light it always carried. He wrapped himself in familiar layers, pieces of clothing that Leo had recognized from their old practice sessions and trips abroad. Seeing him again was like being greeted with the first rays of summer after an endless dark rain.
He was beautiful.
He always was.
As Leo trudged nearer to close the distance between them, he remembered an old conversation he had with their former group member.
“Leo, what is Sangwon to you?” Yorch had asked one rainy afternoon when the two of them were cooking noodles in the kitchen.
Leo had stopped stirring the condensed packet of noodles inside the metal pot, clenching his chopsticks to stop the subtle tremble in his hand. He cleared his throat, closing the pot lid before taking out a couple of bowls for the rest of the members when they return home. “What do you mean, hyung?” he tried to deflect with a chuckle, “he’s my best friend.”
“But you guys have matching stuff, we always find the two of you sleeping in the same bed, and you kiss his forehead sometimes before you leave the building,” Yorch laughed, opening the lid and adding the flavor packets with a small flick of his wrist. “Really cute best friend stuff.”
“That’s just the way we always are,” Leo said in a level tone, hoping that the casualness he had presumed was enough to dismiss his suspicion. Yorch eyed him for a few seconds before smiling. He dipped a spoon in the soup and tasted it, gauging how done it is before closing the lid again.
“I’m just saying, the world could be ending tomorrow, and you’d still be wondering if Sangwon had eaten properly before going to sleep.”
There is no denying it.
Lee Leo has always been in love with Lee Sangwon.
From the moment they met as teenagers until the day his dreams crumbled apart, it was engrained deep inside him, a feeling that only grew stronger when a continent and ocean had separated them; spreading, burning, all-consuming. Leo never fought against it. He had always known, in the glances they shared in practice rooms, at the corner of the café near the university, riding through avenues under the Los Angeles night sky, and in the phone calls that brought him comfort when he was still in Australia.
If a person tried to wash Leo’s heart, remnants of Sangwon will still remain in it.
Sangwon had noticed him, and suddenly time had stopped for them, just like it did all those years ago, in the moments in between when the world was theirs.
Leo collapsed against him, sinking his face in the crook of his neck. He breathed him in, locking him firmly in an embrace that took back the months he allowed to waste away. Sangwon chuckled as he hugged him back, and as the sound ringed delightfully through the chaos of the airport, Leo felt his heart begin to beat again.
“I’m home, Sangwon.”