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It was a small, dark office, almost claustrophobic Kurt thought to himself, but not quite. It was close to impossible to tell the age of the man seated across from him, who rested his pointed chin on pianist's fingers. The only art Kurt could see was a framed chrysalis of some sort. On the round table between them was a vase holding a single rose. The flower had clearly seen better days, and Kurt would have sworn the edges were black, although it might have just been the dim light. Kurt stirred in the chair, uncomfortable with the silence hanging between them.
"Would you care to tell me why you've come in?" the man, the marriage counselor, asked. Kurt remembered finding the posting for Dr. S. Nemuro. He had spent more time than he would have cared to confess to any of his circle in talking Blaine into coming here. Still it seemed like the responsible thing to do. He knew he and Blaine still had issues they needed to resolve and if they really were going to get married...his thought trailed off and Kurt remembered Nemuro's voice. His voice was even, soft, and a slight smoky quality to it. Kurt would later wonder if he had smelled smoke during this session, or if it was just his imagination.
"Didn't you already hear from Blaine?" Kurt responded.
"I heard his side of things, his story. Now, I want to hear yours," Nemuro said, his voice echoing slightly, almost taking on a robotic quality in the room. The light behind Kurt flickered for a fraction of a second. Kurt turned his head quickly, feeling briefly as if something, perhaps the room itself, had moved downwards. Perhaps it was someone actually asking about his side of events that had caused the sensation. It had been so long since anyone had done that.
"I guess..." Kurt said, turning his eyes from the man sitting opposite him. It occurred to Kurt, slightly distantly, that during his entire time in the office, Nemuro's focus on him had been close to total. It was slightly overwhelming. He had gotten so used to being outshone by Blaine, to playing second fiddle that he had forgotten what it was to be the center of attention. The last time he had received anything like the spotlight had been when he had volunteered to help at the senior center. Only days later though, Blain had monopolized everything s he got ready for June Dalloway.
Nemuro remained silent and waiting, He lowered one of hands from his chin and Kurt would have sworn he would have caught a faint glint of light off of one of the man's fingers, almost as if there was some sort of ring on it, but Kurt knew he hadn't seen one earlier. Kurt swallowed and looked at the man's face again. Nemuro eyes remained hidden by both the relative darkness and a thin pair of wire frames. However Kurt knew the therapist was focused completely on him. Kurt swallowed, but didn't say anything.
"For the therapy process to work, Kurt, you need to cooperate with me," Nemuro said, his tone betraying nothing.
"I know that," Kurt spat out, allowing some of his frustration and anger to flow through.
"Then why don't we begin again?" Nemuro asked as he leaned back in his chair, becoming almost completely concealed by the shadows, "If it makes you feel better, you can pretend that I'm not here. Just talk Kurt, let yourself be open."
Kurt let out a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding and closed his eyes. The low light in the room served to make his vision the sort of dark he experienced only in the moments right before he fell asleep or before he was fully awake. Again, he imagined, or told himself that he imagined, the descent of the room. The sensation was strange and familiar simultaneously. He let himself go with it, the feeling of the fall a comfort.
"I guess I'm here because I'm nervous about getting married. It sounds sort of silly when I say it out loud. I mean, honestly, who doesn't have a case of the pre-wedding jitters? It's part of the process. Still, as much as Blaine and I belong together, there are times when...when I don't feel like it's the right thing to do. There are times when all the parts of our relationship, of the life we've built together feel hollow. I feel like we're getting married because it's what Blaine wants, and what our friends and even my family want. No one has asked me really if this is what I want.
"Blaine and I have been together since high school, he was my first everything, well first that counted. However, even then, it took him a while to see me and only noticed me and came after me once I had stopped worshipping him like some sort of idol. I guess that should have been the first clue. That if I couldn't or wouldn't give him attention one way, he'd take it in an other."
There was a moment of silence as Kurt began to feel the anger, the hurt, and the resentment that had been building since his junior year of high school fall from his lips. He looked up and thought that the framed chrysalis on the other wall had a small crack in it, like some long dead butterfly was soon to spring to life.
"During our time together in high school, Blaine was the center of my life. I let him become my idol, my all. I thought I was lucky to be with him. I thought he deserved everything I gave him. As soon as I left Ohio though, he cheated on me because, in his words 'I wasn't there for him.' I still haven't forgotten how small that made me feel. But.." Kurt continued, trailing off. The word had flown from him in earnest. The sensation of falling was growing ever faster, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. A part of Kurt, the smallest part of him recognized that he didn't want it to stop.
"Deeper, go deeper," an unearthly voice commanded, echoing as if in a long forgotten temple or tomb.
"Don't I deserve to be the center for once? Don't I deserve to be seen, to be notice, or to be wanted? Why have our friends forgiven him for cheating, but I get ostracized if I as much as notice another guy? Don't I deserve someone, anyone, who will notice me and not try to upstage me? Am I not enough?" Kurt confessed.
As soon as he finished, the sensation of motion stopped. The light in the small office seemed to grow a little brighter, if only by the faintest of noticeable margins. There was a sound as Nemuro rose from his chair and walked to the window, opening the blinds. The gray sky of a late winter afternoon, the gravestone like facades of other buildings, and the first flakes of snow were all that Kurt could see from his current angle.
"You've admitted much today Kurt. You've seen what your path is made of and where it might lead. You have a choice before you," Nemuro stated, calmly, in that same soft yet smoky voice he had used at the beginning of their session.
"What choice is that?" Kurt asked.
"You can continue walking down it, end up in places like this again, time after time. I can't tell you what Blaine told me, that would break confidentiality. What I can tell you is that if you continue down this path as you have been walking it, it's only a matter of time before one or the other of you says or does something that will lead you back to me."
"What's my other option?"
"You undertake a revolution."
"Revolution? Of what? My relationship?"
"Perhaps. Undertaking a revolution is never an easy thing, Kurt. If you do decide to make that choice, know it will not be an easy one. However, it is the one that might lead you to a real change, and freedom."
"Freedom? Freedom from what? Freedom to do what?"
"That, Kurt, is up to you," Nemuro said, "your session is up. What happens next, is up to you."