Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Introduction!
I feel that it is important for readers to know they’re authors. So I would definitely read this before anything. Hi, my name is Madi! The amazing author of this shitty fanfiction. FUN FACT: I'm actually related to Stephenie Meyer. Shes my third cousin but I've never met her. hehe just thought that was something cool about me!

My idea for this fic is to focus on Bella’s POV, Although I might do other POV’s if ya'll like that. Personally I think Bella shows massive signs of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) So I want to really highlight that. I have BPD so I think I can accurately write that. Authors write what they know, so Bella may be a little out of character, but I’ll try my best to not let that happen.

This is obviously a Bella x Jacob fic, but Edward will be present in it still because he’s extremely important for the story.

I’ve only watched the movies so don’t expect book accurate scenes. (I am planning on reading them but it might take me a bit to write chapters while I do that)

The reason why I’m writing this fic is because my cousin did Jacob dirty. I WILL FIX IT STEPHENIE!!!! I personally believe that Bella would've been better off with Jacob. Feel free to ask questions in the comments if you want to know about that more. (Can’t promise that’ll reply fast though because work and school takes up a lot of my free time.)

My problem in writing is that my brain goes fast but my fingers don’t. I sometimes don’t put down words because I’m rushing to get something done. I will proofread just to make sure that there are no grammar issues. I have ADHD so I can’t promise good writing, but I will try.

I’m going to put this out on A03 first but I might post it on Tumblr as well. (I love Tumblr)

This is the most important point. Stephenie Meyer profited off on an Indigenous Tribe that she did very little research on. I will be reading up on Quileute traditions and history so I can accurately portray them in respectful way.

My plans laid out in a more organized way:

Absolutely no smut. Jacob is a minor throughout all the movies, plus I can’t really write smut either lol. But I might have some spicy fade to black scenes just for funnsies.

This Fic is going to be set mostly in New Moon and Eclipse. I might do a sequel for Breaking Dawn.

Edward will be present a lot in the fic. He’s a vital character for the story overall. I’m keeping the tension of the love triangle because it's way more interesting.

Bella will be ending up with Jacob no matter what!!

I don’t hate Edward but I just don’t think relationship with Bella is healthy at all.

Rumpelstiltskin (Renesmme) will never be born in this fic.

If you read this I really appreciate it. I think the reading experience will be way better if you understand me a little better.

Chapter Text

(This is set exactly when Edward left Bella in the woods in New Moon)

Song recommendation for this chapter: Hostage - Billie Eilish

(Chapter #1 Re-write)

The night that changed everything.

“You don’t want me?” The words taste bitter in my mouth, like saying them might make them true. My chest tightens, sharp and shallow.

The silence between us stretched thin, fragile like broken glass. I can feel my pulse in my throat, too fast, too loud. He used to hold my hand when my thoughts got the better of me.
But now he just stood there, motionless, breathless. And I’m reminded all over again that he isn't really alive.

I searched his face, hoping for him to say it wasn’t true, that he would stay. But the look in his eyes told me everything before he spoke.

“No.” The words land too quietly for me to understand at first.

Just one word, and my world was shattered like glass.
The word echoes through my head, sharper than any blade. I can’t move, I can’t even breathe.

“You don’t mean that.” My voice cracks as I plead with him.

I was afraid that as I age, Edward would no longer want me. But I was still young, still breathing, my skin not yet marked by time. I was still beautiful, at least for now.

“I do, Bella.” The finality of his words struck hard. And for a second, it felt as if the world tilted right beneath my feet.

“If this is about my soul, take it! I don’t want it without you!” I beg.

“This has nothing to do with your soul. You don’t belong in my world; you never belonged in my world. I made the mistake of allowing myself to get close to you in the first place. And all that's done is hurt you.” His gaze softened ever so slightly as he spoke.

“I won’t allow myself to cause you any more pain.” He whispered into the air.

“I need you to promise me something; promise that you won’t do anything reckless. For Charlie’s sake, and for mine.”

“And in return, I’ll promise that you will never see me again, like I never existed in the first place.”

He takes my hand, his fingers cold but careful against my skin. His eyes hold the familiar mix of love and guilt, the kind that always feels like a goodbye.

He stepped closer to me, the way someone might approach a wounded animal.
Slow, careful, afraid that he’ll make this worse.

He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. I close my eyes and let myself lean into him, knowing this would be the last time I would feel his touch.

“Goodbye, Bella.”

When I opened my eyes, he had vanished.

I keep walking until the trees begin to blur together. Every step feels wrong. Distant. Like I’m hovering above myself, watching a stranger walk in my place.
If the ground were to open up, I would let it swallow me whole.

My legs keep moving, but I don’t remember telling them to. The forest feels endless, the same trees, the same shadows, looping over and over like a cruel hallucination.
I don’t know how long I’ve been walking. Minutes, hours? It didn’t seem to matter. It folds together into something heavy and shapeless. My body aches, but the pain feels far away, like it belongs to someone else.

I stop in my tracks when I feel a cold breeze hit my face. It was dark now. How long had I been gone?

I knew my father had most likely sent out a search party to find me.
A large part of me didn’t want to be found. I want to be alone with my grief and shame. It’s only for me to bear.

Then I hear it, the sharp snap of a twig somewhere behind me.

For a second, I think it's him. My heart stumbles, my breath catches. And when I turn, the forest just stares back, dark and indifferent.

I was such a fool.

I was about to take another step when I saw a pair of yellow eyes glint through the darkness.
Not his. Never his.

The yellow eyes vanish almost as soon as they appeared. I can’t even be sure if they were there to begin with. The only sound was the sway of leaves in the trees and my uneven breathing.
Now all I was left with was sense of unease.

“Bella?” The voice was gruff and low. Nothing like Edwards' voice.

I turn toward the sound and see a figure emerge from the dark thicket of the woods.
Broad shoulders. Dark hair. Human. Not Edward.

Sam Uley looked down at me with his usual stern expression that he wore like a medal. Except there is a rare hint of concern in his eyes. Did I really scare everyone that badly?

Sam lived in the same Quileute Reservation where Jacob also resided. I talked to him a few times, but he was intimidating.

“What the hell are doing all the way out here? Do you have any idea how worried your father is?” His jaw tightens as he looks at me, covered in dirt.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I knew I had no reasonable excuse.

“You shouldn’t be out this far late at night.” He exhales, clearly glad he found me in one piece.

“Can you walk?”

It was easier to nod than to actually speak.

“Let's get you home before Charlie has a heart attack.” He says before he begins to walk towards the direction of my home.

I reluctantly followed.

Chapter Text

Song recommendation for this chapter: Possibility - Lykke Li (We all know why this song fits.)

A letter to Alice:

“Alice, you’ve disappeared. Like everyone else. Now, who else can I talk to? I’m lost. When you left, when he left, you took everything with you. But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my heart.
But in a way, I'm glad. The pain is the reminder that he was real. That you all were.”

I slam my laptop closed with an annoyed sigh.

My phone wouldn’t stop buzzing after that night in the woods. Word travels fast in a town this small. I barely talked to anyone outside of school, hardly ever texted back, but now everyone suddenly wanted to check in. The notifications kept piling up like a noise I couldn’t shut off.

I had no desire to explain myself to people who never truly understood me. They like the idea of me, but not what's truly underneath people's expectations.

The only thing that brings me any comfort is writing letters to people who will never read them. I used to talk to Alice when I needed someone to listen, but like Edward, like all of them, she was gone.

I kept opening my journal, my pen hovering over the blank paper, as if I was waiting for somebody else to write how I felt for me.

But the comfort from the letters didn’t exist in my dreams.

My dreams were haunted by him, by Edward. I saw the moments we had together, both good and bad. Even when I woke up screaming, all I wanted was to live in those dreams. It was the only way I could still be with him, even if none of it was real.

There was no hiding my grief from my father. Night after night, he’d hear me scream and rush into my room, still weary from waking up so abruptly. He held me until I was no longer shaking from the fear. My dreams weren’t only haunting me.

The bags under his eyes grew darker, and the coffee machine in the kitchen was always brewing a fresh pot to keep him afloat.

He was worried about me, and I hated that. I never once had to rely on him as a child; I wasn’t really ever given the chance to do that.

My alarm went off, but I stayed in bed. Waking up was my least favorite part of my day. Going to school now felt like an unwanted chore, now that the Cullens were gone.

I eventually dragged myself out of bed and brushed away the hair that had fallen over my eyes as I slept. My limbs felt heavy as I stood up from my bed. I walked towards the mirror and looked at my reflection. I didn’t look like myself. I’m not truly sure what I look like in the eyes of others.

I had no energy to care how I looked, so I grabbed a random shirt and a pair of pants that looked somewhat clean from off my floor.

When I walked downstairs, I could hear the hum of the coffee pot brewing. Dad hadn’t left to go to work yet.

I walk into the kitchen where he’s leaning against the counter, reading today's paper.

“Good morning, Bell’s.” His tone was cautious and quiet, like he was afraid to scare me away.

I hum in acknowledgement, not really in the mood to talk about anything. Especially my recent reclusive nature.

He places the newspaper on the kitchen counter and opens his mouth to speak, before I cut him off.

“I’m fine, Dad, really.” My voice came out much harsher than I meant. I don’t know why everything I said turned into an argument.

He closes his mouth and lets out a tired sigh. The smell of the fresh coffee in the air just stirs more guilt that I can’t swallow

I open the fridge and grab an apple. The thought of eating something bigger made my stomach turn.

I need to get out of this house before the guilt eats away at me.

I pull my jacket off the hanger that hung on the wall beside the front door. The fabric was rough and worn between my fingers from the night in the woods.

And it even still smelled like him. The soft scent of pine and cedar that uniquely belonged to Edward.
The scent of him hits me, sudden and sharp, like a knife through the gut.

I drop the jacket and slam the door shut behind me.

The morning air bites into my skin as I walk towards the truck.

I don’t remember the drive, just the blur of the trees and the endless gray of the sky.

By the time I pulled into the school parking lot, the pain that nestled deep in my heart had not dulled. I’m not sure I can handle the looks people will give me.
Everyone knew about my brief disappearance into the woods. Small towns never let things fade easily.

As the day dragged on, the stares blurred into each other. Some sympathetic, others curious, a few indifferent. I preferred the latter.

Pity was unbearable.

By the time lunch rolled around, everyone knew. Of course they did. The Cullens, the most talked-about family in town, had vanished overnight without even word. While also leaving behind the emotionally unstable girl, whom one of them supposedly loved.

That was probably what they were rambling on about.

I look across the lunchroom at the table they used to sit at. The room felt so empty without them. I had friends, but they didn’t matter right now. It wouldn’t feel right to sit at their table.

Even while grabbing myself some lunch, I was getting stares from the lunch ladies.
My meal was sparse, but it was enough to get me through the rest of the day.

I look at the table the Cullens used to sit at before walking toward it. My feet moved on their own, like they'd been trained to find this spot.

I sit down, the air feeling uncomfortably warm. A sharp contrast to the icy chill the Cullens carried with them.

The echoes of their voices drift through my mind. Soft laughter, quiet conversations that never really included me, but somehow made me feel like I belonged.
Now the silence taunts me. It feels like the memory itself is mocking me for thinking I could belong with them.

“Bella?”

I look up, startled. Jessica stood a few feet away, tray in hand, shifting her weight as she debated if this was a good idea.
She lets out a soft exhale before speaking again. “Is this seat taken?”

I shake my head, though my throat feels tight.

She sits down, but not too close. Her tray clatters on the table as she sets it down.
We both ate quietly for a while before she broke the heavy silence.

“You’ve been kind of… Quiet lately.” She states awkwardly. We’ve never really had a one-on-one conversation before this.

“Uh, yeah. Just a little tired, I guess.”

Jessica nods slowly as she looks across the table where Edward once sat. For a second, I thought she had just come here for gossip, but she never questioned me.
It was refreshing to have an interaction with someone who didn’t ask about Edward or the Cullens.

It's silent once again as Jessica stares down at her lunch tray, clearly deep in thought.

“The new English Teacher is weird, right?” She pursed her lips, struggling to maintain a normal conversation.

“Yeah, kind of,” I reply shyly.

She chuckles a little before she says, “I guess I’m not the only one who thinks that.”

We both sat quietly after that and ate our lunch.
The bell rang through the room, signaling that lunch was over. Jessica grabs her tray and stands up, looking down at me.

“Uh, see you around.” The awkwardness in her tone was enough to make me almost laugh.

As I watch her walk away, I can’t help but smile a little. This was the most normal interaction I’ve had in a while.

It was nice.