Archive of Our Own

She watches him, the way he gesticulates, his nervous tic of rubbing the back of his neck, she notices that his collar is sticking up at a weird angle and somehow, it’s cute, and she tells herself they have a great night ahead of them.

“So, Usnavi, heh?”

Vanessa startles at Abuela Claudia’s voice beside her − she didn’t notice her coming so close, too deep in thought as she watches Sonny tutoring what must be last minute instructions to his cousin before they leave for the club. She shakes off the fondness that the scene instills in her heart and turns to find Abuela giving her her all too familiar knowing smile.

“Don’t look at me like that, Abuela, we’re just going to dance.”

“If you say so, muffin,” Abuela pats her shoulder.

“We are!”

“Well then. Come, let’s get some energy in that body before you burn it all up on the dance floor.”

A last minute sandwich at Usnavi and Abuela’s isn’t exactly the same as Camila’s banquet but at least she’s welcome here. Abuela has put the fan back on and her silence is soothing rather than daunting.

Then she ruins it.

“Usnavi is a good boy, you’ve chosen well.”

“Abuela,” Vanessa sighs. “What’d I just say?”

Abuela waves that off.

“Fine, keep your crushes to yourself, don’t confide in your Abuela who loves you!”

“There’s nothing to confide.”

“Mmh.”

They eat in silence, and after that, Abuela takes out her box of candy to offer one to Vanessa like she used to when Vanessa spent afternoons with her sometimes. It’s such a sweet and innocent gesture that Vanessa can’t really stay annoyed. She rolls her eyes and grabs a piece of candy − you’d think that Abuela would stop treating her like a child when she’s nineteen and an adult with a job.

“I hope you brought protection just in case.”

Vanessa almost spits out the gummy bear she’s just put in her mouth, instead gulps it down so fast she hiccups. So much for being treated like a kid.

“Abuela!”

“Oh, excuse me, you think a sixty-seven year old wouldn’t know what condoms are?”

“Oh my god…”

“Then again, maybe Usnavi packed some. He’s such a smart boy.”

“He didn’t, and I didn’t because this is not a date !”

She should have known, really, that agreeing to go out with Abuela’s special boy would lead her right here. What a stupid mistake that was. Yet she accepted, and it’s not hard at all to remember why. She’d say yes again. She likes Usnavi, which is more than she can say about most people she knows. His smile is cute and he’s a total dork and she wants to see him make a fool of himself on the dance floor.

“Well, all I’m saying is,” Abuela replies, “You’ve chosen well for this non date. Usnavi is very sweet and you’ll make each other very happy.”

Right on cue, Usnavi rushes into the kitchen, red in the face.

“Abuela, have you seen… Oh thank god, Vanessa, there you are!”

His shoulders drop from relief and his smile has never looked goofier, but it makes her want to match it with one of hers. All the more when he bows down and asks for her hand.

“Shall we?”

She snorts, but takes the hand. His palm is warm and a little bit sweaty. She might want to get used to that if they’re going to dance together. Just dance. This is normal and casual. Just two friends dancing. She’s gone dancing with Dani and Carla plenty of times before. Even with Nina a few times before Stanford. And there’s plenty of guys she’s danced with who she didn’t bring home. Most of them, probably. Abuela doesn’t know what she’s saying. The heat is giving her ideas.

“Alright, you two have fun,” Abuela says, kissing both of them on the cheeks. “And remember what I said, muffin.”

“Mmpf.”

She grabs another piece of candy out of spite, because she knows Abuela wouldn’t let her have two when she was little, and dashes out, pulling Usnavi with her.

“What did Abuela say?” Usnavi asks once they’re outside.

“What did Sonny say?” Vanessa retorts.

“Oh, erm…” Usnavi scratches his neck, tries to fix his collar but to no effect. “He gave me some advice?”

“Well, so did Abuela.”

He gives her a smile, awkwardly, that she answers in kind. Their hands still interlocked, they walk towards the club where they are most certainly not on a date.

The air of the club is dripping with sweat and heat and music and Vanessa feels in sync with everything and everyone around her. She wants to greet everyone till her heart bursts with confidence, dance her ass off till she can’t walk and make a wish through the fireworks and have it come true. She feels like she is exactly where she’s supposed to be right now, in this club with Usnavi, and that sense of belonging that comes during her nights out is rare enough that she allows herself to bask in it.

Usnavi is feeling none of that. When she walks through the crowd with joy in every step, hugging friends here, dancing a few steps there, she can hear him rambling nervously beside her. He is not in the mood yet.

“Usnavi, relax,” she demands, her arm on his.

“Relax, ¿qué relax? I’m relaxed!” He yelps, sounding more stressed than she’s ever heard him.

She tunes out his further rambling and takes his hand, rubbing what she hopes are soothing circles against his palm.

“Let’s go get a drink.”

And what a brilliant idea that is. Usnavi gets himself several shots with Benny, who is just as justifiably pissed as you’d expect from a guy who has just been fired by the closest thing he had to a second father, and somewhere along the way, Usnavi stops caring about her and leaves her on her own to the dance floor.

Now, that is a childish way to put it, and Vanessa most certainly doesn’t care, she isn’t trying to grab his attention. She’s just having a good time, dancing with random guys to get herself warmed up for his best moves, but he is showing much more interest in sitting there and letting his nervousness eat him up rather than trying to get over it. Somehow, seeing him so unresponsive annoys her to no end. When some dude invites her to dance, she looks at Usnavi with a hope she didn’t know she had in her, a hope he’ll ask her to the dance floor and make her swing till she’s too tired to keep up but he doesn’t seem to care and just tells her to do whatever.

She hates that they can’t even play the game of pretending that it is, or that it isn’t a date − Usnavi seems to have made up his mind already. Well, if this is the game they’re playing instead, she’ll run with it. She accepts the other guy’s invitation with a smile that she fakes so well that even Usnavi must have believed it, and she dances.

This feels good and natural and maybe it’s exactly what she needs after Nina’s dinner and after Usnavi’s rejection. She always gives herself entirely to the sensations when she’s out in the club, dancing and spinning and smiling broader than fits her face, and the smile becomes much more genuine with every step. Around her, people are calling out to her, her admirers and suitors and she hopes to give each of them a dance before the end of the night, if Usnavi won’t have her. She vaguely registers him getting on the dance floor but chooses to not care.

She wants to believe that she’s going from arms to arms to dull the anger that Mr. Rosario awakened in her, but somewhere deep inside her, a voice asks her if this is really what she’s mad about, reminds her that she was feeling great just a few moments ago when she entered the club with her hand clasped in Usnavi’s, and slowly doubt starts seeping into her thoughts. So she dances the doubts away.

Or so she tries. Next thing she knows, Usnavi is in her corner of vision and he’s asking out Yolanda of all people. It's not really that Vanessa holds a grudge, she's too busy for that, but she has always disliked Yolanda after that time she insulted her mom in third grade. Ever since then, it’s possible that Vanessa has found every excuse to treat her like a nemesis. But now she is presented with a real reason, isn’t she? With the way Usnavi gesticulates and rambles, Vanessa is sure he’s hitting on Yolanda. Even though he’s here on a friendly night out with Vanessa. She wants to run at them and separate them, she wants to shout so loud that Usnavi will hear her and look at her. Instead, she dances and watches Usnavi drag Yolanda to the dance floor not five minutes after he basically sent Vanessa straight into other people’s arms. She hates feeling emotional like this, like she can’t even enjoy a night at the club without jealousy taking over her heart until she can’t think of anything else. She doesn’t even know why. All the eyes are on her tonight. She may not have Nina’s intelligence or Carla’s kindness but when she’s out in this club, she feels like she’s enough.

At some point, Yolanda abandons Usnavi and joins Vanessa in Jose’s arms and damn if Vanessa doesn’t feel the slightest touch of satisfaction about that, about Usnavi being abandoned. She’s being petty and she hates when she’s like that, but it’s not like Usnavi can read her thoughts. Far from it. On his side of the club, he starts dancing like a fool with Benny and if this wasn’t infuriating, she hates that she wonders if it’d be cute. Vanessa suddenly notices that her hands are empty and she’s standing on her own staring at Usnavi, and the unthinkable has happened. Nina, of all people, is dancing with Jose, sweet innocent Nina who always blushed at Vanessa’s stories when they were younger. Benny does not look happy about it, but Vanessa has better things to preoccupy herself with.

Namely, staring at Usnavi in the midst of the swirling crowd. He is alone on the dance floor and so is she, and seeing his open and honest face, his lips open with admiration as he sees her standing then, she has no idea why she would keep denying herself what she longs to have if he is offering, what she agreed to this morning. She doesn't hold a grudge. She stares at him, this impossibly silly man who had to ask his underage cousin to get him a (possible, non determined) date, and she wonders why it couldn’t be as simple as that. She holds up her hand for him to take, he gives her the sweetest smile she’s ever seen in her life, and for the first time tonight this starts to actually feel like a date. He’s not a great dancer by any measure but he’s kind and he’s sweet and this can really be a fun night for both of them if they do this right. She hears the shouts of people fighting from afar, but it wouldn’t be a first in this club, and she chooses to ignore that. The only thing that matters is dancing and enjoying herself. Usnavi and her have found each other now and she is not letting him go.

And then the power shuts down, his hands slip from hers and she looses him.

Chaos takes over the club as the music and lights shut down all at once. Vanessa’s heart is drumming against the inside of her ears and she can’t decipher a word of what the crowd is hollering. All around her, people are shoving and grabbing, all trying to get out. She is pushed by the mass till her hands find cold metal and all she can do is bang on the hard surface and beg for someone, anyone to open the door.

The heat and the people all around her were her joy and a perfect match to the fire inside her, but all these things become her nightmare as she’s still trapped in the club. It feels like an eternity of fear and sweating and swearing has passed before the door gives way. The flow of people almost swallows her up as she finally gets the fuck out of this goddamn place but she manages to stay on her feet. Her heart is pounding and she feels more lost than ever.

The street is flooded with people, people running around, people panicking, people yelling and reaching out to everyone around them, but no one is reaching out to her. All the guys she was dancing with earlier tonight and so many other nights don’t pay her any mind at all now. She’s back to being irrelevant, back to being the girl stuck en el barrio, back where she’s been stuck her whole life with no one to make her feel special. Usnavi is nowhere to be seen in the dark night with only the stars to guide them, and what a mediocre help that is. They were just beginning to develop something, and then he disappeared and left her behind − she doesn’t know which would be worse, either knowing that her life would be filled to the brink with bad luck and misery wherever she goes and she just happened to lose her potential date, or knowing that Usnavi really does not care for her in any way and he deliberately abandoned her. Suddenly and despite the heat still clinging to her body, she feels chilly and she just wants to go home, wherever that is.

“Usnavi, help me!” She cries out.

Her voice sounds pathetic and strained and it’s all she can do not to sob. She hears Nina’s voice calling for Benny but can’t see her.

“Usnavi!” She tries again, and again, but to no avail.

She hears broken glass and shouting and she fears for Usnavi’s bodega, for the salon, for the dispatch, for herself. She knows what feeling powerless is like, but she’s rarely felt it as deeply as just now. It’s one thing to have no lights at home, but it’s something entirely different to have no refuge, no plan B, nowhere to escape feeling this helpless. Around her, people cry out their despair and her voice joins in. The Heights have never felt so low.

Her throat is getting sore and she feels more powerless by the minute. It starts to feel like light is just a faint memory in her mind when a buzzing sound echoes through the sky and the barrio explodes with colors.

"Look at the fireworks!" People shout out from everywhere.

As if anyone could look anywhere but. It's like Vanessa sees the sky for the first time, and for the first time she notices how big it is. And how small and irrelevant she is. No wonder Usnavi abandoned her. What is she against the stars and the lights and the moon? If this is the alternative, if this is what the night sky looks like in DR, she can't blame him for craving it rather than her company.

She is tempted to sit there and watch the fireworks just on her own, but the world won't stop just for her, won't let her catch even the shortest break just for herself. She's surrounded with people rushing from everywhere, pointing, yelling, and she's sure that she knows most of these people, but everyone is in this on their own, they're all alone together. People are shoving each other, trying to get their way out, but no one thinks to stop a minute, to think things through rationally and efficiently. 

In the midst of the crowd periodically flashed bright by the explosions in the sky, she spots Benny and Nina, who look like they're fighting. What she wouldn't give to be fighting with Usnavi, to be anything with Usnavi. If there's one thing she hates, it's being left alone. She's just about to try and go talk to Nina, to find even the smallest release from the solitude clenching her heart, maybe ask if she can sleep over so she doesn't have to walk all twenty blocks back home, when all of a sudden Benny grabs Nina's arm and kisses her and if Vanessa knows a thing about that kind of kiss (and she does), she guesses that Nina is unavailable for the night.

She manages to take a few steps through the mass, to gather herself and her thoughts. She has all sorts of thoughts nagging at her, thoughts she’s have had for a very long time now coming to her mind at the least appropriate moment, and she hates all of them. You're boring. You're not important and no one wants you. You're just another girl stuck en el barrio. You're nothing special. You've lived here and you'll die here and you'll have never found love and you don't deserve it.

To which Vanessa says fuck you.

She's known these thoughts for a long time. Intuitively, they've been part of her mental landscape for longer than she can remember, but she's better than this. She's not the kind of person who lets herself get down, or at least she won’t let herself be that person. She may be hurt tonight, she may crave company and affection, but that doesn't mean she's going to allow herself to wallow in the dark thoughts any longer.

Snarling, she pushes her way through the crowd. She doesn't even care about the stupid fireworks anymore − she's seen them every year, bright lights in the sky, big deal. She wants to go to bed and later tonight, when Usnavi calls her to check if she's okay, she wants to pretend she didn't even notice him gone. Once she's out of the thickest crowd, she checks her phone. No message yet. Her guess is that Usnavi is still trapped there, maybe trying to find her. Hopefully trying to find her.

The streets are empty, emptier in the dark. She knows how many blocks to her apartment building, and it's lucky, because the fireworks aren't as bright here, their beauty is fainter and soon she doesn't even see them all that well. It's just her and the dark night, but it's nothing she can't handle. With her power out pretty much every once every few months, she's used to that. She may be powerless, but she doesn't have to be helpless if she just helps herself.

The four flights of stairs to the apartment she shares with her mother have never seemed longer than now as she climbs them in complete darkness because no power means no elevator and no lights. She would use her phone to see where she’s going, but she’s afraid of wasting up her battery and missing calls. So far, it hasn’t rung, but it can’t be much longer till Usnavi checks on her, can it? Even with the disaster that was this date… No, she corrects herself, this wasn’t a date, she refuses to let herself think of it that way. If this wasn’t a date, she can’t allow herself to be disappointed at the way it ended. At the way she lost him. But his smile, her heart drumming, their dancing, this wouldn’t have been so exhilarating if it wasn’t a date, her mind supplies. She groans.

The building is very different with no power, even at night. No music, no TV blasting from that apartment on the third floor that never seems to be aware that there is such a thing as a volume button, no matter how many times Vanessa gives them a piece of her mind about it. She hears voices, but they’re barely beyond hushed whispers at this time of the night. Many people must have been out for the fireworks anyways. No white noise of appliances left for the night, no sliver of light from under the doors. It’s dead, powerless.

She’s counted the floors as she went up, since there is no way for her to just recognize her dirty brown door that needs a fresh coat of paint pretty much years ago. Inside, she hears the familiar rumbling of her mother snoring away her booze. She locks the door behind her, all four locks and walks straight to her room but there is a stirring in the living room and she sighs.

"Kitten, is that you?"

She walks back to where her mom is sitting up on the couch, rubbing her eyes lined with dark bags. Her voice is slurred with sleep and probably a bit of a hangover, although that’s more of a general state for her.

"Yes, mom. I'm back from the club."

"Did you have fun with your friends?"

Vanessa can't help a smile and when her mom holds up her arms to invite her for a hug, she doesn't refuse it. She sits down next to her mom and sinks into the embrace. Her mom strokes her hair. She smells a bit sour and Vanessa doesn't even want to know why she was sleeping on the couch at all, most likely she just crashed there, but she's her mom, and after a night like tonight, a hug might just be what she needs.

"Mija? Was it fun?" Her mom asks again when Vanessa doesn't answer − damn her, can't she take silence for what it is? No, mom, it wasn't fun, I've had a shitty night but I've had many before and it's not the last one I'll ever have either, so I'm grinding my teeth and coming home to fucking relax and sleep it off, can we please not talk about this?

"There's a blackout everywhere."

"What? Everywhere?"

"Uh huh. Whole barrio."

"How did you get home? Someone walked you back? They can stay here, you know you don't have to hide anyone from me, kitten."

Straight in the guts. It's not like she could have known, Vanessa tells herself. It doesn't make the sting any less painful.

"No, mom, I walked alone."

"What, in the dark? You know it's dangerous…"

"Yes, in the dark. Look, I'm tired, I'm going to sleep."

She stands up abruptly. She just longs to just take off her dress (and burn it because Yolanda has the same), put on her comfiest pajamas, and go the fuck to sleep.

"Alright… Goodnight then."

"G'night, mom."

She turns back to her room and she's already feeling her bed calling her when her mom clears her throat.

"Vanessa?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, you know that, right?"

Vanessa wants to snort. Makes one of you.

"I love you too, mom. Goodnight."

Vanessa waits till her mother is back to her own bed and snoring again before going to sleep.

Her thoughts follow her to her room as she changes for bed in the dark. She feels her way around the top shelf of her closet where she stores the candles Carla gave her the first time their power got shut out, months ago, when her mom lost her job. That's when they got from poor to poorer, but Vanessa's prepared.

She finds a couple of candles left, and as she's stretching to reach the shelf, her foot knocks into her box, the box that will get her out of here soon. When will that be after today's encounter with the creditor, she doesn't know. In the light of this night with Usnavi she missed, of the salon moving, of the dispatch sold and Nina most likely going back to California, leaving the barrio soon, of the lights that went out, Vanessa desperately needs to get out of here before it all crumbles down. The only thing she might miss is Usnavi's coffee. And even that…

 She gets a candle and a lighter and for a while, everything gets just a little bit brighter. She slips into bed, the weight of the night starting to catch up with her. The cover sticks to her skin but she can't stand to do without one either. She thinks of the others caught in the heat outside and grabs her phone.

Hope you got home alright xoxo

She sends it to Nina, Carla, a few friends she said hi to at the club and after much hesitation, to Usnavi, then sets the phone within her reach on the bed stand. She resists the urge to check every ten seconds if someone answered. She's not a needy person and refuses to be. They'll answer when they answer. The panic caused by the blackout on everyone has got to be fading, little by little, and she expects to get news from someone, anyone, any second now.

What was today?

Work was fine. Nina's dinner was fine, up until the point it wasn't. She doesn't mind Mr. Rosario's remark on her, not much. It's a reality check, but she chooses to make it a motivation. She may have been tempted to dwell on these feelings, but this isn't who she is as a person, this isn't what she does and she'll be damned if she lets her insecurities get in her way out of this shitty place.

No, the club is where things went to shit. She still hasn't figured it all out. Why would Usnavi ask her out and agree to go to the club with her only to ignore her for most of it, ask Yolanda to dance, and only then deign accept to dance with her? What she hates above all is the missed opportunity. What brief time they danced together right before the blackout gave her a glimpse of what Usnavi could be like as a (platonic, friendly) date, playful, gentle, sweet, and she hates that this Usnavi disappeared as the power went out. She doesn't know for sure that he abandoned her, she can never be sure, but the mere possibility that he could care so little for her is infuriating.

What is Usnavi to her? Vanessa has never been the kind to gush on boys, to make anything frillier than it needs to, she's not a schoolgirl anymore. In fact, she already wasn't like that when she was. Daniela may tease her all she wants, but Vanessa knows that there is no funny business to dig there. She has no pink notebook in which she writes "Vanessa de la Vega" all over, she doesn't daydream about marrying him, she just doesn't fit any of the criteria of someone having a crush. It's not like he treats her any different from everyone else: Usnavi is nice to everybody, isn't he? And there is nothing special about her, that's for sure. If she likes his coffee, likes his smile and would gladly go dancing with him every night, that doesn't need to mean anything. They're friends. She's allowed to want to spend time with a friend.

Which means she has every right to want him to call her tonight. It's nothing weird. She's allowed to want her friend to care about her and want to see her safe. She's allowed to check her phone more often than she promised herself she would. He's bound to call any minute anyways. Usnavi doesn't go to bed late, he has work to do, and it's only a matter of time before he calls her. She just wants to hear his voice one last time before going to sleep − there is no shame in that.

 The candlelight is starting to flicker and her eyes are heavy with exhaustion. She checks the time. Past 1 am. The walk in the dark must have taken longer than she thought. She has received delivery reports for all her texts, with no answer so far.

She tells herself she'll wait till at least Usnavi calls, and then go to sleep. She blows out her candle and turns to her window, to the empty night sky − she almost wishes there'd be a train running by so she could feel like life isn't completely on stop tonight. Beside her on her pillow, her phone lies completely silent. She's willing to wait, she knows he'll call, he wouldn't leave her be like that. He'll call any second, he has to. Her eyelids feel so heavy but she can't fall asleep before he calls. It won't be long now.