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So Usnavi didn't call during the blackout after all. No one did. Reality check in her fucking face. I'm leaving soon, she reminds herself for the hundredth time this morning. It'll all be over soon. She ignores the part of her that didn't want yesterday to be over before it even started, the part that hoped it was a date. That part got its ass kicked last night and is now resting in anger and frustration.
The walk to the salon isn't any shorter since yesterday. At least the sky is bright now. She's sad and hungry − they didn't have much left in the pantry and no stove to cook, since they have no power, so she hasn't eaten. The streets feel empty. There's some people, but rather than occupying the space, walking, living, they just sit around and try to escape the heat in every portion of shadow they find. It's lucky the salon isn't open today, since they're packing, because she would have hated to work in the heat like that.
She checks her messages one last time before turning the street to the block where the salon is, just in case some lost message from Usnavi finally arrived. No such luck, but she does find about five texts from Nina in all caps begging her to text her back because she has great news. If the way she last saw Benny and Nina was any indication, Vanessa is fairly sure what news Nina has to announce. One less virgin in the world, not that Vanessa cares about these things. Nina does everything at her own pace, some things faster and harder and higher than others, some a little less so. It's all so fine. She sends Nina a quick text asking to meet up at some point.
From the distance, she catches sight of the bodega and her heart twists in her chest. Calm down. There is nothing wrong, you can't let him know you're hurt, you're not hurt. You're disappointed. You were surprised. Not hurt. Confused. Daniela and Carla are already there, talking to Usnavi, but he sends them away to talk to Sonny. Isn't that what he does with everyone?
As she gets closer and braces herself and her racing heart, she sees that the bodega has been broken into. This feels like a punch in the guts, knowing someone would just attack such a pivotal part of the barrio as Usnavi's shop, harm the center piece of the block that is this man. All sorts of snacks are lying around on the ground, the counter is broken and the cash register is wide open. Yet Vanessa catches a glimpse of what Usnavi has been telling his cousin.
"A broken window, a ripped up awning… It's just things!" He tries to reassure him.
Sonny spots her and nods at Usnavi to come talk to her and she doesn't know if she's grateful or upset for that.
"Guess this means you don't have any coffee," she says.
"I got a gas range, I can still make some," Usnavi offers and his eyes are so honest and awkward and sad that she almost wants to forgive him on the spot for having abandoned her. She almost doesn't want to have this conversation, wants to look into his eyes and think that everything is going to be okay as long as she has that, and she can forget all of his shortcomings, but at the same time, she knows it was a dick move on his part, and she doesn't want to make him think it was any shade of okay to ask her out then forget about her the minute trouble came up.
"You think Dunkin' Donuts is open?" She ignores his offer.
His eyes, his beautiful eyes betray his hurt for a fraction of a second. She realizes, too late, that it may have been a low blow. She's had a coffee at Usnavi's every single morning for longer than she can remember. It probably amounts to over a decade − she started coffee very early, they all do.
"Listen, about last night, Sonny was calling, Abuela was alone…"
He wants to dive in, so let him fucking dive in. Sonny and Abuela weren't the only ones who needed him yesterday.
"Yeah… I walked all twenty blocks home in the dark… "
He looks away and she knows he feels guilty already, but the upset part of her is taking over and she has to let this all out.
"You know, my phone didn't ring once all night."
It's unfair to put that all on him. She's mad at all the people who didn't care enough to send one text or call just to check in. But he's part of these people and it was off limits and she doesn't want to listen to his excuses. Even more knowing that Sonny was calling − if Usnavi literally had his phone in his hand, how much is she worth to him exactly that he didn't think of calling even one second?
"You wanna know the one thing I can't stand?" She asks him and she knows she's pushing buttons she shouldn't be, but she does it anyways.
"A morning without my coffee?" He tries to joke. She so wants to laugh and accept a cup of emergency coffee from his gas range, to get back to what they had yesterday that wasn't quite something definite but that wasn't nothing. But he actively tried to sabotage that yesterday and she doesn't want to let herself forget that.
"Being left alone."
She walks away before he can react, because she's starting to feel like she might forgive him on the spot if she doesn't.
Daniela and Carla both pretend they haven't been spying her talking to Usnavi through the window when Vanessa walks in but at least this means they don't ask questions and for that, Vanessa is grateful. It's hard enough to feel conflicted, she doesn't need any of their input. She draws the line at being pitied, though, and ignores Carla's offers to pack this or that for her, to take a break, to listen to her stories to get her mind off things. She can handle herself.
Daniela just looks at her, to which Vanessa glares, then she shakes her head, muttering something in Spanish about young love that Vanessa doesn't even want to acknowledge because this is not a matter of love at all. It's easier if it's not about love. It's easier if it's just a friend who lost her in the crowd. It doesn't explain the ache in her chest but it's easier.
There isn't much work to do. The packing is over by the end of the morning and Vanessa tries to ignore her urge to go check outside if Usnavi needs help.
"Alright, I can't take your angst anymore," Daniela tells her and pushes her out of the salon. "You go sulk outside, I'm calling Con Edison."
But Usnavi isn't out. The bodega is still broken in and Sonny is slowly picking up the trash, not one ounce of motivation in his body. Out in the street, people are sitting around still, unmoving, stuck to the ground. Vanessa walks up to Sonny.
"Need any help?"
"Oh Vanessa, thank god," he groans. "Look at this mess!"
"What happened?"
"Bunch of thugs," he replies, dragging a half-filled trash bag to the counter that is still mostly emptied out. "Pete tried to help but only two of us, without Usnavi to scare them away…"
"Usnavi wasn't with you?"
"Nah, he was with Abuela," Sonny sighs. "Went to check up on her during the blackout, it was just me and Pete…"
He keeps on cleaning up and Vanessa just wants to hug him for being so brave last night when everyone was so scared. She can't believe Usnavi wouldn't even help Sonny at the dead of night on a blackout. So she isn't the only one he left behind…
"Do you ever…" She starts but it's stupid and she shakes her head and starts to help him clean up.
"Do I ever what?"
"No, it's dumb."
Sonny drops the bag and holds up his hand to his heart.
"You can tell me anything!" He swears, wriggling his eyebrows. "I am nothing if not there for the ladies."
She hates that he's such a cute little jerk, but at the same time, she really does feel like Sonny would be the only one to understand.
"Do you ever feel like… like you come second?"
"To Abuela? I mean, kinda… But everyone is second to her, you know? She adopted Usnavi, not us. Well, maybe Nina…"
"To Usnavi."
Sonny's face falls and he starts picking up the trash again. It's a while before he talks, the counter shelves almost filled up again.
"Kinda," he admits. "But what can I do? I'm just his cousin, I just work for the bodega, it's not like…"
"Like what?"
"Nothing," Sonny says and even Vanessa knows when someone shuts off and doesn't want to talk about personal things.
It's easy to just stay here and work and push the feelings down. Inside the salon, Daniela is shouting into the phone. It'd better amount to something. They'd better give them back their power soon.
"Why you asking though?"
"It's stupid," she says, refuses to look at him.
"C'mon, Vanessa, open that broken heart to Sonny."
She sighs. Maybe it will feel better. That's what Carla and Daniela would tell her, but then again, when has she ever listened to them.
"We were out last night, right? Me and Usnavi."
He nods. Of course he knows, he was the one who asked her out on his cousin's behalf.
"Well, we lost each other during the blackout, and I had to walk home alone, and…"
"And you wish you hadn't?"
"Yeah…"
He looks like he might want to joke about it, find ways to make her forget about it, but he just pats her shoulder with all the affection a little dork like him can give. At least she's not alone in this.
The others aren't any help. Somehow Daniela manages to get people dancing and singing about having no electricity. That's a feat only she could achieve. Vanessa can't believe her own eyes. How can anyone think this is cause for celebration? This is pathetic, a song with no music, the only beat the piragua vendor's drumming on a wooden crate, and anyone making up whatever shit they want.
"Why is everyone so happy?" Vanessa cries out, standing up and trying to get people back to reason.
She goes on a rant and some of the things she needed off her chest come out of her mouth. It feels good to let it out, to complain about this shit situation in no hidden words. But she's barely started and has so much more to say when Daniela cuts her, focusing on such a useless detail.
"Ay, por favor. Vanessa, don't pretend that Usnavi's your friend, we all know that he love you."
Carla chimes in with some other unwanted opinion and Vanessa hate every second of this. What good is it to try and compartmentalize if your own coworkers won't let you?
"Yo, this is bogus."
"Haven't you noticed you get all your coffee for free?" Daniela insists, as if that was proof of anything. There's plenty of other people Usnavi gives free coffee to, she's sure.
"Here comes Usnavi!" Some dude shouts and then, just like that, everything changes, because Usnavi starts yelling about Abuela winning the lotto and before Vanessa knows it he says he's leaving to DR and people are actually celebrating that as well.
She feels herself getting physically unwell, her head pounding, heart racing, but there is nothing to do about it. Next to her, Sonny's mouth is gaping and she silently gestures if he knew, to which he shrugs and walks inside the bodega to fetch the soda bottles Usnavi asked for. Ever the good cousin, or maybe he's just like Vanessa and also taking it all in.
Self-preservation. She waits and tries to determine what feeling she'll allow herself to have but the more she tries to pull at these threads to unwind them and gather herself, the more messed up she feels, especially in the middle of a big crowd that is shouting exactly the opposite of whatever she's feeling.
"Look at Vanessa's face!" Carla and Daniela point but she's beyond caring at this point. How can she protest against being treated as a joke? She feels like one already.
People start circling around Benny and teasing him for his night with Nina − it really did happen, then. At least some of them got their happy ending yesterday. She'll have to squeeze all the details out of Nina later, the only gossip she cares about, when she's out of this mess.
Everyone is still so happy. The piragua vendor holds up his hands to ask her to dance with him and in another world she might have, at the club maybe, but not here under the burning sun and not when Usnavi is abandoning them tomorrow. She fences him off like she does all the guys in the street.
"Hold up just a minute!"
Sonny is still the only other person with the slightest shred of sense left here and as he starts to rant against Usnavi, panicked and more emotional than Vanessa has ever seen him, she joins him and maybe, maybe Usnavi will change his mind then. But he won't, they're powerless even against him and his own selfish wishes − or is it selfish of her to wish him still here? He reassures Sonny, tells him he's giving him a few dozen grands, and maybe that'll be one more person gone before her too. Usnavi gives Sonny a pep talk that is so unbelievably Usnavi that she almost cracks her resolve. There's Spanish and flags and hope and she wants to fall for it so much.
Then it happens, she meets Usnavi's eyes and she does not feel prepared for it in the slightest. Because he smiles and his eyes… She can't deal with this.
"Vanessa, forget about what coulda been," he says, and everyone can hear it but she doesn't care because it's just for her. "Dance with me one last night in the hood again."
He offers his hand, as she did yesterday, and this time she knows for a fact it's going to end up like yesterday, he's going to leave her alone, he's going back to DR and this is the last time she can ever dance with him. This is the last time she can ever dance with him. She takes his hands and slowly, like dorks, they start dancing and this feels familiar from yesterday already, yet it won't get any more familiar than this.
And maybe he does makes all these weird feelings a lot easier to cope with by giving her an out. Whatever they had, whatever they might have had if he wasn't leaving, it's all part of another life they could have had but it's not happening and if there's one thing Vanessa focuses on, it's the life she could actually get. She commits this to memory, the feel of his hands against her waist, the fabric on his shoulder just a bit sweaty, and above all his eyes and every promise they could have held but don't. He's so goddamn happy that maybe this is how she wants to remember him. Happy on their one last night together before he goes back to his island.
The singing finally winds down. The end of this silly nonsense, but also the end of her dancing with Usnavi. She'll miss him, she tells herself, but only until she won't. She enjoyed herself one last time. It's enough. It has to be enough. Usnavi gets grabbed by Nina and leaves her again quite urgently but she can't be jealous of that. She'll get to see Nina later too, after she's made her goodbyes to Usnavi and Abuela. Maybe they'll have a farewell party before leaving. She'll wait and see.
People are starting to walk back to wherever their lives are going, the neighborhood is feeling alive again, and all that thanks to Daniela.
"This felt just like Vega Alta," Daniela says wistfully.
"You did it, Dani!" Carla grins. "Everybody's happy now."
Happy is pushing it, Vanessa thinks. Everybody is slightly less worried and helpless than they were. The power is still not back on, the block is still dirt poor and god-awful and nothing has fundamentally changed except that one more business is closing up, taking with it a man whom Vanessa likes more than she has the right to, and that everyone decided to dance to celebrate it.
They get back into the salon for shadow, though it's not one bit less hot than outside. AC: there is something Vanessa misses already too after less than a day without. Maybe Usnavi was their special kind of breeze through the neighborhood as well, refreshing and making everyone happy without them knowing it. So be it, he'll be gone tomorrow anyways.
"So," Daniela turns to Vanessa, her smile like a shark's jaw about to clamp down on her. "What was that with Usnavi, huh?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Come on!" Carla says, nudging Vanessa. "Tell us all the details!"
There is nothing to say. He's going back to DR too soon and if there's no future, not even a present with him, then Vanessa considers that there is as good as nothing at all.
"We danced. He's leaving tomorrow. That's all."
"Don't worry, Van," Carla hugs her from the side and it's too hot and too close for Vanessa's comfort, but she appreciates the gesture. "We'll give you all the tissues you need when he leaves."
"I won't cry," Vanessa insists, because really, who does Carla think she is? She might have a hunch that things could have been different, maybe that they should have, but she's smart enough to know when a cause is lost. She's leaving the barrio too anyways. She won't have to pass by the bodega and in no time at all, the very idea of him will be in the past forever.
"At least you should make good use of your last night together," Daniela adds, her brows raised suggestively.
"Oh my god Daniela," Vanessa rolls her eyes.
… Should they, though? No, they really shouldn't, she can't. They're friends, technically, officially, and that's all they've decided to leave things at. She can't pursue anything more and then watch him leave. It's not fair on either of them… Or maybe it would be one last night, one last occasion, and they should pounce on it because it might never come again. This is all ridiculous. I will never do that with Usnavi. It's not a real option, not something she earnestly considers, but it's also not quite silly enough to completely push it away.
Then, suddenly, one of Kevin's drivers (though not for much longer, with the company sold) barges into the salon, his face struck with horror and sadness and all three of them fall silent, somehow knowing the news before he speaks.
"Mr Rosario just told us. Abuela Claudia passed away."
Vanessa's heart drops to her stomach at the news. The best of the barrio, everyone's Abuela, leaving them forever… Vanessa hasn't been one to really deal with grief properly. When her dad died when she was fifteen, she lost a big part of herself and lost most of her interests, not to mention dropped out of school. She would very much like that to not happen again if she can avoid it.
"No me diga…" Carla and Daniela say with all the sadness in the world and Carla is already finding refuge in Daniela's arms.
Sitting there in the salon, Vanessa feels lost and utterly useless.
"They're having some sort of wake by her stoop," the driver says and he seems just as confused as all of them. Abuela had that effect on the whole barrio.
Outside, it's starting to get late and people are gathering with candles in their hands. Vanessa grabs one from the ground and joins them. She finds herself unable to process everything happening today and that isn't helped one bit when Usnavi walks out of the apartment. Camila and Nina throw themselves at him, pulling him into heartfelt hugs. His eyes are red and he looks like he is the last place he wants to be − but doesn't he always?
"Alabanza a Dona Claudia, Señor," people sing around her, one last farewell to the woman they lost.
Vanessa has never been very fervent in her faith. Sure, she believes in something, but it's more of a general feeling of some higher force out there than her actually being religious. Right now, she wishes she knew more, she wishes she could pray the right words. She pictures Abuela Claudia's soul rising up to Heaven (because of course that is where she's heading, if there is such a place) and being welcomed for her everlasting rest. That is somehow soothing. She hopes that Abuela Claudia's afterlife is filled with cool breezes and warm beaches and eternal bliss.
Everyone is looking at Usnavi, and why wouldn't they, Abuela's boy who just lost everything. Does he mean to leave without her now? Is his flight tomorrow still on? Suddenly Vanessa feels that she completely forgives him for leaving her alone yesterday − if he spent the night with Abuela, her very last night in this world, then that means Abuela Claudia went away knowing her boy loved her more than anything in this world and that's enough for Vanessa. She doesn't need to be a priority over the woman who raised him.
It seems that everyone she's ever known is here mourning Abuela Claudia. All of her friends from school, all the customers of the salon, all the drivers, everyone. Their candles are only just that, faint and cheap, and as the night gathers, they're too pale, too little compared to what Abuela deserved, but she was always the kind to expect nothing and be happy with whatever small things life gave her.
Finally Vanessa's turn comes and she and Usnavi stare at each other for longer than needed, both finding no words to possibly fill this void that everyone is feeling, and then she hugs him and they don't need to talk at all after all. Their very last night together. She thinks of how gentle he always was with Abuela Claudia, how they always understood each other sometimes without even speaking, how often he went to church with her and watched her feed her birds and always cared for her in her old age as she had for him when he was young. He always looked at Abuela like she was the light of the world, and Vanessa now believes she was.
Abuela Claudia cherished the things life threw at her, things everyone else ignored and took for granted. If Vanessa has to learn anything from nineteen years of knowing her, she decides that it should be that. She hugs Usnavi, one small good thing in this terrible night. Alabanza, she thinks, praise the Lord for having given me at least what we had before he leaves.
Soon, Vanessa is putting away all the boxes again in Daniela's rented pick-up truck. The atmosphere is the oddest Vanessa has felt in a long time, filled with sweetness because Carla and Dani are sharing stories of a simpler, better time when Claudia came for a haircut every month and got exactly what she asked for, and stories about going to church with her and trying to teach her to dance (Vanessa has been there: not happening) and passing by her in the park and sitting down for a lovely chat where her wisdom shone, and a hundred more anecdotes, but also filled with sadness that these stories are now everything left of her. And then there is the inevitable, evident fact that the salon is completely empty now, that Daniela is giving back the keys tomorrow morning and that they're leaving this street. They're never going to pass by the bodega in the morning anymore − and even if they did, who knows if the bodega will even keep running? It's not like Sonny can do it all on his own, sixteen years-old and still going to school.
"Still no power," Vanessa sighs.
"Tell me something I don't know," Carla sing-songs but she's tired and it sounds like a fainter version of herself.
That's not the kind of power Vanessa meant, but she lets it slide. Carla isn't much for philosophical thinking, and honestly neither is Vanessa. They close the salon door forever, Vanessa putting down a few boxes out by the door as Daniela hangs up the sign that says they're moving to the Bronx.
"I think that's all of the boxes," she says and Daniela nods.
A drop of sweat is trickling down her temple and she rubs it away. In the mess that was today, the weather certainly did not let them forget how helpless they were without AC.
"I'm seeing double," Carla states, sweet innocent Carla, rubbing her forehead.
It's the heat.
"You say that every time you wear those tight jeans," Daniela says, pulling her into a motherly sidehug as she so often does. It's probably not untrue, but in the burning sun it's hard to tell. In any case, let Carla wear whatever the hell she wants, Vanessa thinks.
"Ay, dios mío," she mutters under her breath.
Daniela turns to her, staring, before reaching inside her purse with a smirk that Vanessa knows not to trust.
"Hey, I got a little something-something," she says, grabbing a piece of paper and holding it up triumphantly.
"No me diga…" Carla smiles.
Daniela hands the note to Vanessa, who takes it and reads it. The words just barely register into her mind but it's clear enough. She sees "Johnson", "credit", "accepted", and she can't read much further without turning dizzy herself. Her mouth is gaping as she turns to Daniela for confirmation.
"Vanessa's new address," she nods. "A little birdie told me you needed a credit reference."
Vanessa takes the paper to her heart, hugging it close. She can barely believe it, after everything else, barely believe her luck. And all that because of Daniela?
"What do you mean?" She has to make sure.
This is a dream. This whole weekend has felt like a dream, but the earlier parts of it were the bad dreams that keep you awake and sweaty, and this part is the dream that wakes you up smiling in the morning and leaves you in a daze of happiness all day.
"I'll co-sign on the apartment. But you have to invite me for a house warming cocktail," Daniela confirms with finality.
Vanessa almost snorts. She's still too overwhelmed to think straight. Why? Why would Daniela do this, and how?
"Where did you get this?"
"Usnavi swore me to secrecy."
Usnavi? Vanessa's eyes go wide despite her. She wonders when that even happened, and how, and why would Usnavi do that? One last night of dancing, finally getting his dream come true and helping her get hers too.
"What's my rule?" Daniela asks Carla, eyes riveted on Vanessa. There's a hint of a smile behind them.
"She'll do anything for you but she won't support your mother's dysfunction," Carla says proudly, with a nudge at Daniela who nods at her, satisfied.
As if Vanessa has never heard that before… But she's never known Daniela to actually be sensitive enough to act on that rule. They're not exactly friends, technically.
"I know the rule, I just never thought you meant the first part…" Daniela rolls her eyes. "I'm touched. You care about me."
"Oye, I'm just signing the paper," Daniela holds up her hand, stops her. "You're still paying the rent."
"Thank you," Vanessa says and has never meant it more in her life.
She walks away as briskly as she can without running. She has a bottle of champagne to buy.
Ten minutes later, at the liquor store, she's met with a hindrance under the form of a stupid and selfish vendor.
"I swear to God, José, if you don't sell me that bottle, Imma kick your ass all the way across the Hudson."
He snorts, unwavering.
"Come back in two years, Van. I ain't selling to underage."
Her mind is boiling on the inside, anger flowing through her. This little asshole thinking himself better than her because he's over twenty-one.
"Look, I need it, okay? I really really need it."
"That's dumb and you know it. No one needs alcohol," he says and looks around that his boss isn't there to hear him say that. She so wishes he'd been caught but sadly, fate is on his side today. "Go home."
She knows she shouldn't do this, she knows it's bad, but she's all alone in the liquor store right now except for José-Jerkface behind the counter and Usnavi is there on his last night here forever and she just can't let this go, not this time.
"Fuck you," she says, grabs the bottle and runs away.
She hears his shouting behind her but she keeps running, runs and runs until she can't anymore, and then some more. Downtown really is all that far from their block. She finally reaches the bodega a while later. The place is significantly more put together than earlier but still a mess. She makes for the door when Sonny rushes out, yelling.
"THIS IS THE END OF AN ERA!"
Then he darts away running. Cautiously, Vanessa steps inside the bodega where Usnavi is wiping down the counter.
"He's got a point…" She says, getting a smile out of him.
He seems busy, the silence heavy and awkward between them. She's the one to breach it. She's here on a mission after all.
"So I bought you a present…" She puts down the bag with the bottle on the counter. "I went downtown to get it. You doing anything tonight?"
"Cleaning." He replies and starts wiping again.
He only perks up when she asks him out on a date. Because why the hell not? With his help, she's leaving the barrio soon, maybe this month, and he's taking off tomorrow. A date won't cost much. It's just like dancing earlier today, before life struck them down. One last night together. She takes out the bottle of champagne, gives it to him, even though technically he also owes one to her, but she'll let that slide. She wants to end this properly. To thank him for what he's done, to give this, whatever it is, the closure it deserves. She's not asking for much tonight, just getting buzzed on cold champagne in the bodega and taking a walk around the block before both of them stop calling it home. Having a good time.
She tells him all that, thanks him from the heart, tries to convey how much she wants this to mean something, anything. She wants to acknowledge that awkwardness between them that has been growing for months, wants to toast it once and for all. And then both of them can be going their merry way separately. Never seeing each other ever again. That is what she wants. It ought to be.
That plan, however, didn't account for Usnavi ignoring her once more. Are you fucking kidding me? She spoke so genuinely, truly, and here he is fussing with the wrapping of the bottle, trying to open it like his life depends on it. It would be annoying if it wasn't so endearing, how he focuses on one little thing but misses everything else, as he always does. And she's dawned with the acceptance of the reality that she likes this boy and wants to see him struggling to open champagne again and she wants him to clean the bodega and keep it running and she wants to get coffee from him again and she never wants him to leave. Acknowledging what they've had is great. Keeping it going is better.
"You oughta stay," she mutters, almost to herself because she knows she's being selfish, but he catches it and she won't take it back.
This bottle was never supposed to be a toast to what they've achieved. It was always meant to be a celebration of what was to come. She doesn't miss the past they had, because they don't have any, rather she misses the future they will never share. She wants that future more than she's ever wanted anything. So she finds every excuse to try and make him stay, knowing it's not going to happen, knowing he's made up his mind already. Anything she comes up with is stupid, of course it's not the coffee, of course it's not just because of Sonny that he should stay (Although that should be part of it, she reflects, he hasn't been the best cousin to Sonny this weekend), but he is having none of it. Anything she comes up with isn't enough. She's not enough.
"Vanessa, I don't know why you're mad at me," he says sheepishly, as if he earnestly didn't know.
"I wish I was mad!" She shouts, tries to make for an exit. She is mad, but he has no right to see that side of her.
Usnavi stops her in her tracks, his sweaty palms against her arms, just like when they danced, and every pore of her body is screaming that he is leaving forever, leaving her alone, and no part of her wants this to happen, and on an impulse, despite every better judgment, she kisses him. His breath tastes like coffee and mints, like he's a fucking Christmas hot drink and she hates that she's enjoying this so much when it's the last time she'll ever kiss him because she wasn't able to convince him to stay. His hands on her hips, his stubble under her fingers, and the smothering heat of it all, the summer heat outside and the heat within, she hates that she wants to do this again and again and again, in vain. She takes this one kiss, one first and last kiss, and it's not enough.
"I'm just too late," she admits pitifully and darts out of the bodega before he can break her any further.
Her mom is reading a book when she comes home. That hasn't happened in months. Guess the blackout is good for one thing after all.
"Good night, kitten."
"Hi, mom."
Vanessa takes off her shoes, shimmies out of her skirt and goes to grab a pair of pajama shorts from her room. When she takes off her top, the credit letter falls from her bra. She picks it up, wondering what it means now. Shit, I have to tell Mom I'm leaving. She hides the paper in her box, tightly locked away.
"Vanessa?" Her mom asks from the doorway.
Vanessa can't deal with talking right now. Not with this whole mess of thoughts and not under this heat. Even in tiny pajamas, she's still hot and sweaty. She clenches her fingers, relaxes them, the memory of Usnavi's face between them still fresh in her mind.
"Imma take a shower."
"Alright, then."
The water is cold but not cold enough. She wishes there was a button for icy − she'd need that right now. And it doesn't wash away all the thoughts she's having about Usnavi. Her heart is throbbing with want, unfulfilled. She wants another kiss, another date, another tomorrow with him. She wants to let herself cry. She doesn't. She washes her hair, stays in the shower longer than needed, lets the thoughts run their course. Some alone time after the mess. She feels hot and upset again not one minute after leaving the shower, but that's what she's had so far, life bothering her again the second she finds a good thing.
"Good day?" Her mom asks, putting down her book as Vanessa walks back into the living room and crashes onto the nearest chair.
"Mmh," she grunts noncommittally.
"One of these, huh?"
She remembers what she had to announce, Daniela's gift, and sighs. There's no easy way through any of this.
"I'm moving out," she says bluntly, because blunt may be hard but it is the best way she's always used.
Her mom's face freezes, hurt plain in her eyes.
"I see."
"Mom, I'm nineteen and I have my own job, and I've wanted to for a long time, and Daniela gave me the credit reference I needed to…"
Her mom's mouth tightens when she mentions Daniela. It always does. It's uncanny to Vanessa that her mom could be jealous of her boss, but then again, sometimes Daniela does more for her than her own progenitor, so who's to say that there isn't a truth hidden behind that jealousy?
"Is it because… you know?"
Because you're a drunk who can't take care of anything on her own and I'm already struggling to take care of myself? Yes, Mom, it's exactly because of that.
"I just want out, okay?"
It's obvious to the both of them that this is a lie, but they're not nearly ready for this conversation. Might never be.
"You'll still visit the barrio, right?" Her mom asks desperately.
"Of course I'll still visit," Vanessa says, though she's not so sure.
At this point, all she wants is to spend the rest of her life never seeing the Heights again. Maybe for Nina or Sonny, and even then, they can take the A, can't they? Meet up downtown.
"With your work moving away and now you too, I just…"
"I'll visit, Mom," she cuts her, starting to get annoyed.
Her mom nods cautiously, then holds up her arms for a hug that Vanessa begrudgingly accepts, joining her on the couch even though it's far too hot for it. It wasn't too hot when it was Usnavi's arms around you, her brain reminds her. Shut up, brain, you're wrong and everything is wrong, she replies.
"I mean, of course you'll visit, you're a wild tiger without your coffee from Usnavi's bodega," her mom jokes.
Vanessa pushes on her shoulders so abruptly that her mom rubs them wincing. She feels herself frowning and her mom must have realized that she put her foot in her mouth somehow.
"What…"
"Usnavi's leaving. Back to DR. He'll be gone tomorrow."
"What?!"
"And Abuela's dead."
"Ay, Dios mío…"
The silence between them is painfully heavy. Vanessa wonders when her last night at home with her mom will be and on an impulse, she lies down with her head on her mother's lap, like she used to do when she was little. Her mom's fingers thread through her hair, gentle, soothing.
"Do you want to talk about it, kitten?"
"No," she says, but turns around and musters up a smile for her mom that they both know is fake. "But thank you."
After a while, her mom starts reading her book again, leaving Vanessa to her thoughts, but they're less hard to deal with now that she allows herself to be her mom's daughter one last time before she starts her new life all alone.
The next morning, finally, Vanessa finds the time to text with Nina quite a bit and they decide to meet up later that day to catch up with the crazy events of the past few days, and really do it this time. They've missed each other at the club and during the blackout, and Abuela's farewell was hardly the proper place to chat. Down in the block, people are passing by Abuela's stoop and paying their respects. She catches sight of Nina, hand in hand with Benny.
There's a breeze passing through the barrio. Some kid opened a fire hydrant. It feels… good. Vanessa had almost forgotten what that's like. She spots Graffiti Pete and Sonny by the bodega − these two are always together. Nina waves at her and they find some spot with a little shadow further down the street, the bottom stairs of a fire escape, of course.
Nina and Benny are being disgustingly cute. Benny is sitting a step higher than her and hugs her from behind, his arms so big around her that he almost seems like he's swallowing her up. Every now and again, he kisses her hair, squeezes her tight, smiles like a fool. And Nina is no better, looking up at him with the most ridiculous grin that Vanessa has never seen directed at any guy before (usually at a good new book or a challenge she doesn't understand yet), holding onto his arms, leaning back against him. Vanessa almost wants to yell at them to stop being gross, but Nina is her best friend, her best friend who did get laid, so she finds in her to be happy for her.
"So, how are you holding up?" Nina asks, her hand on Vanessa's knee, gentle and kind Nina.
"How are you? You were closer to Abuela than I was…"
"I'm not talking about Abuela and you know it," Nina retorts. Ugh. Vanessa hates that Nina is so smart sometimes.
"I'm fine," she replies, already curt.
She is not fine, but she will be, and that's what matters. Vanessa hates the past, barely tolerates the present. She's nothing if not future oriented.
"Van, you know you can…" Nina starts but Vanessa nods towards Benny's direction, shutting her up. Not in front of him, she tries to say, but it's too late anyways.
"Wait. You're actually into Usnavi?" Benny asks. "Man, I totally thought it was one-sided…"
Nina and Vanessa glance at each other, then away. That question has been most of Vanessa's thoughts for the past few days − months? Years? Not years, definitely not years. She hasn't been into him that long.
"It doesn't matter. He's leaving."
There's a burst of shouting and cheering down the street by the bodega, interrupting them. Vanessa wants to ignore it − probably just another of Daniela's oddly timed carnavals − but she recognizes Sonny's voice and when she listens to the actual words…
"USNAVI'S STAYIN'!"
Her mouth gapes open wide and she turns to Nina so fast her head hurts. Nina is beaming from ear to ear − Vanessa knows that she and Usnavi have always been close but she also wants to believe that Nina is happy for her.
"Well what are you waiting for?" Benny says at once. "Go find him!"
Shedding away the last of her dignity, Vanessa rushes to the crowd forming around Sonny and Usnavi. From all sides, everyone is hugging him, slapping his back, people are already dancing and singing again as Usnavi shouts that he's home. Vanessa smiles, smiles more than she ever has in her life. He's staying. He'll be just a train ride away. The crowd thins out from around him and he meets her eyes, finally. People walk away from them, everyone happier, everyone content that things are remaining as they should. His place is here and they know it.
Slowly, as if he was afraid she'd slap it out, he takes her hands. His smile is awkward and beautiful and she wants to kiss his mouth until he forgets how to use it.
"You're staying," she breathes out, as if she'd been holding it for years.
"Yeah," he replies, his thumb stroking her palms. "Listen, Vanessa, are you…"
"Yeah?" She replies, eager, too eager, but she doesn't care because he's staying.
"Are you free tonight? I owe you a bottle of champagne."