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You haven't heard from her since she left you in her apartment with a note that says she's gonna be out for a mission. No other details about where she's going or when she's gonna be back. She's lethal in every sense of the word. She's deadly serious in carrying out her god's objectives no matter how her perky psycho persona would want you or anyone else to believe otherwise. She's hot, ruthless, and scary smart. She can make anyone do as she pleases when she tilt her head and bat those long lashes, pretty, expressive eyes in full effect. You thought you were impervious to her charms, but no, you're more affected than any of her victims. Sometimes you catch yourself asking: How can anyone as perfect as her be real?
Of course, she's not perfect. She'll be the first to tell you that. But you think she's as close as anyone can get. And because of that, you worry about her. No, you correct yourself - you want to keep her safe. She's reckless and she doesn't have back up, that's your primary points of concern. But at the back of your mind, at the most secluded corner where your insecurities lie, you worry that one of her solo missions will lead her to somebody worthy of her warmth, of her smiles, her comforting intelligence, and her time that are usually reserved for you. She knows how to soothe your troubled mind. And radio silence from her makes you queasy. She's been gone for a little over two months now. You were laying in her bed, restless until the main door opened and you hear her boots clicking on the floor. You know she's probably hurt so you get up as calm as you can to check on her. You refuse to appear excited to see her.
She looks at you before you can even approach her. She looks surprised. Maybe she was not expecting you to be there when she comes back. Truth be told, you're not entirely sure why you're here waiting for her in the first place. All you know is that you don't like it when she let the time pass to decide when to let you know she's been back. Because, based on experience, you know that most of the time she lets you know she's back is also when she's about to leave again. That's just not something you're gonna let happen this time.
"Hey there," she says. That's just two words and you're surprised that you're already detecting that there's something off with her tone. You look her over. She doesn't appear hurt or bleeding. And that only makes you angry. Something must've happened.
"Root, what's the matter?" you asked.
"Nothing. I'm just tired. How's Harry and the big lug?" she says as she moves to sit on the couch. She closes her eyes. You internally groan, topic change already?
"They're fine. But seriously Root, what happened? What's wrong?" you ask as you stare at her face. She's trying to appear peaceful and you're insisting that something must've happened. She's refusing to look at you directly and you'd like to believe that you know her well enough now that you can detect her lies, her deflections.
"Sweetie, why would you think something's wrong?" she opens her eyes to look at you.
You just stare at her until she sighs heavily.
"It's really just been a long mission. Relevant number in Russia. But everything's fine now. He's safe and I'm home," she closes her eyes again. It's obvious that she wants to drop the subject.
You inhale and then you exhale. You let some of your frustrations leave your body and tried to sit next to her in silence. Tried being the keyword here though, but it should be alright, right? After all, you just want to hear from her. Since when were you the one seeking comfort from words?
Maybe she's really just tired. You realize this is the first time that she sees you and doesn't come near you. It bothers you.
"I've been waiting for you, you know? You could've called to let me know where you were, that you're okay," you don't know why, but you imagine her lighting up with a smile or maybe even tease you because, yeah, you care. She remains silent though, and you thought maybe you should let her rest. But she's been away for so long and you're letting her know you miss her and she's keeping still. Your anger is building up. She asked about Harold and John, but not you. Doesn't she know how much she's come to mean to you now? You're being unreasonably selfish, you know. But you know you have a right to be. She's mostly given herself to you, save for her precious AI, so you feel you're entitled to her attention when you spend time with her.
You stand up and somehow you know that she senses you're mad. That's how this works, isn't it? She understands you so well that she knows how to read you. She knows you so well that she knows when to leave you alone and when to follow you. She doesn't want to smother you with her affection because she knows you need space. She's sweet and considerate like that. She knows you so well, and you don't know enough about her to know how to comfort her when you know something's bothering her.
She stands up to follow you, "Sameen what's going on?" she asks.
"I've been here, waiting for you and you couldn't even take the time to let me know how you are," you breathe the words out trying to calm yourself. It's unnecessary. She knows you're frustrated.
She moves to stand in front of you. "Sweetie, I told you I'm fine," she says with a little smile, no doubt trying to comfort you. "Let's go to bed. We'll discuss this in the morning, okay?" she says calmly. It's disarming and you know you ought to give in and let her rest, but something's not right and your curiosity is eating away at you. You need to know right now.
"No, Root. Something's bothering you and we're discussing it right now," you say. It's almost like grasping at straws how desperate you think you are for some details about her, even if it's just about her day or the mission that's keeping her mind occupied. You shudder at the thought that it should be you that's on her mind now. After all, you're the one standing right in front of her. You just want to know something, dammit! It's time that you put your foot down in this relationship. "You can't just leave and expect me to be here for you all the time. That's not how this'll work, Root."
"And what is this?" she asks, voice slightly raised. Great, now you know you've upset her too. Honestly, you know you're the one who expects her to be there for you all the time. She doesn't dare ask you for anything. She's content with whatever you can spare her and you're afraid to find out she's settling down for you. But it beats the alternative - finding out that she's gotten tired of putting up with you - that once she realizes the ridiculousness of her situation with you, she's just gonna stop and disappear from your life. And you don't know which one is the worst, but you know you don't want either to happen. That's why all this time that she was away you decided to let her know that she means something to you.
But from the looks and sounds of it, you think that you're already losing her to something that she refuses to share with you.
"This relationship, Root," you say. It's the first time you admit to a relationship with her.
She laughs humorlessly.
"You can leave, you know?" she says.
You're dumbfounded for a few seconds. "What did you just say?" you managed to breathe out.
"You can leave. Move on. Away from me. I know you were just tolerating me. I'm not expecting you to wait for me whenever I'm out or to greet me by the door. Of course I'm grateful for each time you've patched me up and cared for me out of pity or whatever, but Shaw I'm not asking you to stay. Hell, I'm not asking you for anything at all. You can just be, and you know what the punchline is? I'd still adore you no matter what," she's explaining this so logically with a sort of lilt in her voice that it sickens you.
For a moment you just stare at her. So she just wants you to be you when you're with her. And here you are contemplating compromise so that she'll have a reason to stay. This is what you didn't know you're afraid of, and you're only realizing it now when you feel like everything can be taken away from you.
You thought she can't possibly be happy with whoever you are. You find yourself wanting to change for her. And she doesn't even want that. She knows you live your life as if everything is a mission, so it's only reasonable for her to think that she doesn't want to compromise you. You realize she'll let you be because that's how you are.
"You're free to do whatever you want, be with whomever you want. Leave if you want, stay if you will. All up to you. What more could you possibly want from me that I haven't already gave you?" she continues.
Okay. This conversation is definitely not what you want. You don't want to hear these things ever again from her.
Did she really just tell you that she's fine with whatever you want? She's grown tired of you, you think. She doesn't want to deal with you anymore. And for a moment you agree with her. Before you realized what she means to you, before she came back tonight, she's been out there saving the world and she usually comes back to you to be treated like her presence doesn't mean anything. She doesn't deserve that. She's been alone all her life, she told you that in confidence one night. And you have an inkling she still feel that way no matter how close you let her get to you when she's around. You feel inadequate, powerless. You kept pushing her away and this time, without meaning to, you've pushed her hard enough. You should've dropped the conversation and agreed to go to bed when she asked earlier, maybe then you'll be sleeping right next to her, looking forward to a morning in her embrace instead of second guessing how you'll deal with what she's saying. You don't want her to leave you. You want to be good enough for her. So you choose your words wisely, and hope to whatever god that you can fix this.
"Root, are you telling me that you'll be fine with whatever I decide, with whatever I want for us?" you ask her. You need to know for sure.
She just looks at you, but eventually, with some hesitation, she nods. That's all the permission you need to keep talking.
"Good." You pause and then you continue, "I want you to claim me. Own me. I don't want the freedom you're giving me. I want you to ask me to be with you. To stay. But no, you're not gonna do that, are you? You're just gonna let me be. You're just fine with hurting yourself because of me. Because you think as long as I'm happy, that'll be enough for you. Well, guess what? I'm not happy. I'm not happy knowing that in some way I'm hurting you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to hurt anymore, especially not because of me. I don't want you to be fine with whatever we have right now. I want you to trust me that I can be happy with you. That I'm happy because of you."
She's looking at you like you've grown another head or two. You don't know what her silence mean. And that's just another thing you'd like to know about her if she'll let you.
"I want you to remember that after everything that you've done, and with everything that we're going through, your happiness matter to me, so if you want me, if you believe I can make you happy then I'm here. I'll be with you."
Of course you're not giving her the option not to be with you, and you're preparing yourself to argue your point if she insists on giving you your freedom. You need her to anchor you to your feelings so it's really a moot point. You don't care if that makes you her victim or her prisoner, but so long as she's the one surrounding you, you know you're fine.
But she just smiles at you. And you rush forward to kiss her.
"Come on, let's go to bed," she all but drags you to her bedroom.
You realize you still don't know what's bothering her. You'll let this one go. But you swear to yourself you're gonna know every detail you can about her. You'll get her to tell you everything. You're gonna be the person that she looks for when she needs comfort, you're gonna be the person she'll feel safe and protected with just like she is your safe place.