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Panam didn’t believe in regrets. As sentimental as she was, there wasn’t room for regret on the road. Aches, pain, loss, all part of the package that was nomadic living? But regret was a luxury for those allowed to look back.
So when the one thing tying her to NC up and vanished, she left. If he wasn’t going to look back, then neither was she. She couldn’t care less if V was dead in a ditch or living the highlife having thoroughly left them in the past. Late calls, scattered texts, endless worrying all for nothing.
No regrets, just pain.
All that time up late waiting for a word, a call, a sign of life. Wasted. Opening her heart to the one person who always had her back. Wasted. Offers given but never taken. Wasted.
No regrets, just pain.
Eventually it would stop, just not today. Two years to the very date when V became a ghost. Panam sometimes hoped he was dead. It’d be the easiest thing to exp-
“Ow!” Panam could hear the yelp over the hood of her car, alongside a way too familiar thump of a body being hit by her bumper. She slammed the brakes as a figure tumbled away from her Thorton. “Son of a-” the voice was cut off by a hiss of pain.
“Oh fuck, I just hit- shit,” Panam muttered to herself. She was very suddenly drawn back to reality. She just hit a random civvie with her car. She wasn’t even sure how fast she was going. Given her victim was still making noise, hopefully slow. She stumbled out of her seat as quickly as she could and approached the person. “Shit, I am so sorry, are you-”
“Fucked, but I appreciate the sentime-” This could not be happening. How was this even possible? Of all the places, he just happened to be in the middle of the Badlands “Panam?” Why was he so skinny? “That you?”
“V?” She dared ask. He winced, hard, and turned his gaze away. For some reason he started to scoot his way to a nearby curb.
“It’s good to see you, really, but I’m guessing you’re still pissed at me and I think you might’ve cracked a few ribs,” he groaned out as he moved. He pulled a holo from his pocket. Why did he have that? “So if you’ll excuse me.”
He dialed a number, still holding his torso in pain. Panam could only stare, mouth agape. “Yeah, I need medical attention… Cracked ribs, probably… Hit by a car… No, I didn’t catch the plate… Probably not… Why would I have that if I’m calling from the Badlands?” V was silent for a second. Then his expression soured. “Great, thanks, don’t bother.”
He hung up the holo and leaned over, placing his elbows on his knees. The holo dangled in his hand, loosely. The merc turned to Panam, and looked up at her. “You’re still here?”
“Where would I have gone?” Panam countered, venom laced her words but it was almost half-hearted.
“Figured you’d’ve filled your car and took off without paying, honestly,” V shrugged. “‘s my station, y’know.”
Panam took a look at the sign of the gas station she’d pulled up to. Bright yellow text was painted above a glass double door. It read ‘Vinny’s’ in a sloppy cursive. “You’ve spent the past two years working a fucking gas station?”
“No, I spent two years in a fuckin’ coma,” V responded, but there wasn’t any hostility. It was… was he teasing her? He waved to the station with one hand. “I’ve owned this about three months.”
She remembered his voicemail. She could probably recite it from memory at this point. A flash of light, and V had a cigarette dangling from his mouth. “I didn’t know you smoked.”
V turned to her again, a brow raised. “Hmm? Oh, yeah, call that a chronic symptom of Silverhandosis,” V chuckled to himself. “Can play the guitar now, too. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have an expired maxdoc on you, would you?”
Panam glared, and V laughed hard enough to start coughing. “Really? How do you even remember that, V?”
“Sorry, worth a shot,” he groaned with a smile. It felt… honest. “‘sides, you wouldn’t have given it to me anyways.”
She wouldn’t have.
“What…” Panam tried to start. “What happened to you, V?”
He turned to the road again. “Told you, was in a coma.”
“No, V, the full story. What happened?” Panam sat next to V, on the curb. She finally met his eye level, and noticed just how much he’d changed. He looked fifty pounds lighter, almost scrawny. His eyes were more sunk in than she’d seen even at the worst of the relic harming him.
His monowire was missing.
V took a long puff of his cigarette, and gazed straight forward into the distance. “‘member two years ago, I got involved with the FIA?”
She nodded. “Yeah, something to do with saving the NUS president’s life, right?”
“That’s the short version,” V’s expression soured and he nodded along. “Got involved with a guy, Reed, said he’d personally see to getting me cured. Just had to help fix his mess.”
Panam was silent, staring a hole into V’s temple. His right upper lip twitched slightly. “I helped him stop the blackwall from consuming everything. Helped ‘reclaim’ an NUS ‘asset’...” the way he spat the words felt distinctly not like V. “And my reward was going under for two years, and a blink of an eye later I’m in 2079. ‘cept now, I’m about as ‘ganic as you can get in SoCal, and everyone I knew kinda hates me. Prolly for good reason.”
There was a beat of silence as V extinguished his cigarette on his boot. “I lost everything, and everyone, because I thought for a second I was allowed to be selfish,” he laughed bitterly. “Hell, only person to accept my call after I woke up was my old ripperdoc.”
V stuffed the cigarette behind his ear. “But, past is in the past. You look good, keeping busy with the family?”
Panam blinked. Was he seriously just brushing past all that. “Woah, V, back up. There are… so many details missing.”
“I mean, I figured you didn’t want the super long-”
“You told me a month,” Panam interrupted before he could start. “One month of recovery to get him out of you.”
V bit his cheek. “Yeah, that’s what they told me, too,” Another bitter laugh. “Everything’s a moving goalpost when we’re talking the government. Guess that’s one thing Johnny was right about.”
“You told me you’d come to the family for anything,” Panam shot back. V flared his nose and broke eye contact. “You’d come to me for anything. You promised me, V.”
V cringed and exhaled. “I know,” he whispered as he closed his eyes. “I broke my promise, and it was probably the easiest thing for me to do. All I needed to do was sleep. Let someone else take the wheel. Not a day goes by I don’t regret making that call. And now there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”
Panam looked at the side of V’s face. What she saw wasn’t a mercenary, not a man facing the end of his life, not a man who went toe to toe with Arasaka, not the man she fell in love with. What Panam saw was a ghost, a dead man whose body hasn’t gotten the memo. She saw a fragment of what was there before.
V stood with some vigor but a lot of obvious pain and dusted himself off. “That’s enough of that shitshow for one day, I think. Beer?”
Panam scoffed but couldn’t help but smile. “That’s all you can say? Beer?”
“Well… you didn’t immediately run off after hitting me with your truck,” V reached out a hand to help her up. Panam stood without assistance. V shrugged. “Means you don’t totally hate me. I hope.”
Panam rolled her eyes. “You’re a real piece of work, V.” He smiled at her, an honest to God smile.
“Hey, it’s Vinny now, remember? Took me a while to paint that sign,” V turned and limped his way towards the doors. “‘sides, you could still run off without paying for that CHOOH2.”
“Like you couldn’t catch up,” Panam commented as she trailed.
“Jogging’s been good for me, but I ain’t that fast anymore, Panam,” V opened the door and let her walk in first. “When I said I was ‘ganic I wasn’t kidding. Any chrome’d probably kill me.”
“Surely, you can’t be serious.”
“I didn’t exactly retire by choice,” V grit his teeth as he leaned into a cooler, and grabbed two green bottles. He cracked both open on a counter with an old register. “Nervous system’s fried, anything more than a biomon and personal link and I’m fried too.”
That threw her for a loop. Panam wasn’t one for cybernetics, but V wasn’t shy under the knife. None of what she was hearing made any sense. He handed her an open bottle. She’d heard crazy tales about cybernetics, but this was a new one. “Is that even possible?”
“I got a twitchy left leg that says so,” V took a swig. “‘s not so bad. You do fine without any. Gives me new perspective.”
“So what? The grass is always greener?” Panam countered and took her own swig. In the corner she could hear the A/C fighting for its life.
“Nah, more like…” V sat on a stool behind the register. He rested his left elbow on the counter in thought. “I had to start over, completely. Think I had like twenty eddies when I woke up. Mitch called, a bit after I did. Told me not to call again. So, just, started walking. Grabbed a piece from an old stache that somehow didn’t get looted. ‘bout a week later I ended up here.”
“You bought this place for twenty eddies?” Panam raised an eyebrow.
“Hell no,” V laughed out. “I bought bullets and a burrito. Station was abandoned by the time I got here. Figured out how to get the pumps up again, and well. Here we are.”
V waved nonspecifically to the storefront. Panam would have to give it to him, he seemed to be doing well for a gas station in the middle of nowheresville. It was… organized. Clean. Pretty unlike V, considering his old apartment.
“So, what brings you here? Aside from attempted murder,” V smirked in that way she found particularly irritating. A glare only drew a laugh from him.
“Ugh, headed back to Night City, Rogue has work for the clan and I’m supposed to be our representative,” Panam confessed. “I needed CHOOH, and saw your store.”
“Think I know the rest from there,” V chuckled. “Don’t worry about the CHOOH, call it a gift if you want.”
“V, come on-”
“Vinny, now, read the sign, Panam,” he interrupted.
“Okay well given I don’t know a Vinny, it feels weird to accept a gift from him,” Panam glared harder.
“Donation, then. I’ll call Saul and tell him you’re saying no to free shit,” V pointed at her and took a quick drink. “No idea if he’d answer but I got a sneaking suspicion he’d get real upset.”
“Did you forget that I’m leading the Aldecaldos now?” Panam crossed her arms.
“No, I just know he’s the only one who knows how to make you listen,” V shot back. “‘sides, you really gonna say no to an injured man?”
“Oh please, even without all that chrome you could probably take on Adam Smasher,” Panam rolled her eyes and looked away.
“I might be dying, Panam.”
“Like that’s ever kept you down.”
V burst into pained laughter. “Touché, though last time I had subdermal plating and experimental tech in my neck. On my ninth life, so to speak.”
“And that life’s being spent as a gas station attendant?” Panam raised a brow and turned back to V.
“Owner, excuse you,” V feigned offense. “It’s no Afterlife, but I like it. For one, don’t need to look over my shoulder as much. And two, I got to see you again. More than I could’ve asked for in NC.”
“I’m not sticking around, V.”
“Never said you were,” he shrugged. “Seeing you is enough. Knowing you’re okay is enough.”
Panam ground her teeth and clenched her eyes closed. “You make it really hard to hate you, you know that?”
“First time anyone’s ever told me that.”
“No, fuck you, V,” Panam opened her eyes. “I thought you were just gone. Shocker, I know what happens when you try and holo a dead man. What else was I supposed to think?”
“Nothing, you’re completely right,” V responded, neutrally.
“And it’s so fucking frustrating that you agree with me, because far as I can tell you got off easy.” That got a reaction out of V.
“Panam I was in a coma. I woke up to find my entire world gone from underneath me.”
“And you think that I’m just going to forgive you for disappearing? You could have told someone my number,” Panam shot back. “I would have been there.”
“And abandon the family? I doubt it,” V said with a mirthless smile. “They needed you too much.”
“Fine, but I could have at least known! A text message, call, anything would have been better!” Panam shouted. “Do you know what that felt like?! I loved you V, and you just weren’t there one day!”
V had the actual gall to scoff at her. “Yeah, think I know a little what that feels like.” V turned his head to a picture frame next to the register. A large man with a topknot and thick jacket was displayed, smiling and holding an arm around V. “Never formally introduced you two. Panam, meet Jackie.”
The name triggered one hyperspecific memory, Jackie Welles. V’s best friend. Killed in a job gone bad.
“I’m sorry, Panam. I’m sorry that I took the easy way out. I’m sorry that I didn’t go in with a plan. I’m sorry I left you behind. I just wanted to survive,” V spoke softly, no wind in his sails. “I don’t even know if I wanted to live. Just survive. Guess I figured I could figure out how to live later.”
Panam sighed. She couldn’t bring herself to be angry. Not anymore. She’d been angry at V for so long. Part of her would have preferred V get angry back. It’s simpler to have it end with them hating one another. Instead he had to have actually looked inwards, damn him.
“I don’t forgive you,” Panam started. V didn’t turn to look at her.
“I don’t blame you.”
“I’m still fucking upset with you.”
“Understandable.”
“But I swear to God if you don’t keep in touch, I will come back here and kill you,” Panam finished and took a long swig of the now room temperature beer. “Now ring me up, asshole.”
V smiled and turned to face her again. “Fat chance, Panam.”
“V, I swear to God if you-”
“What’s that?” V interrupted loudly, opening the register and slamming it closed as obnoxiously as he could. “Seems I rang you up and forgot to collect, darn."
Panam scowled but then took a good look at the register. “Jesus, how old is that thing?"
“Tell me about it, I mostly keep it there for show. Doesn’t even work,” V laughed. “Really, it was good seeing you.”
Panam let herself smile back. “All things considered, same. I’ll see if I can bring the family next time. Catch up with everyone.”
V’s eyes went wide at the idea. He turned to the cooler again. “Gonna need a lot more beer for that.”
“Who says that’s all they drink?”
“Who says it’s for the family? Gonna need that for myself to make it through the night,” V shot out. It was hard to tell if he was joking or genuinely concerned. A warm expression eventually took over. “Save travels, Panam.”
“See you around, V,” Panam waved as she turned to leave.
“Jeez, gonna make myself a nametag at this rate,” V shook his head as she left.
Panam got back in her Thorton, and looked in through the window at V. Now that she wasn’t there he seemed to drop the ‘I’m totally not in pain’ mask and keeled over the counter. She’d seen it a few times back in ‘77. He’d pretend the relic wasn’t hurting him and she’d pretend not to notice. Just like old times.
She’d be lying if she said it wasn’t nice to see him. She’d also be lying if she said it didn’t feel really good to get some semblance of closure.
But it did also feel reeeeeeeeeeally good to hit him with her car.
Maybe she still had a few things to work out.
And maybe, just maybe, she could live with that.
No regrets, and a bit less pain.