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Cindy was a strange case of self-loathing.
It was strange because she loved herself. At least, that's how she presented it to be – she was pretty, she was smart, she was talented. She was better than you.
And yet, if you looked even a little closer, you could see how this was just glitter glue in the cracks of a deeply broken person. If you tried to look closer she would push you away.
However, Felix was an exception to this. They were exceptions to each other in many regards, both shaped by their traumas and mental illness and traumas that caused their mental illness. Felix struggled with empathy and Cindy struggled with trust – but Felix was emphatic when it came to Cindy and Cindy trusted Felix. They brought out the best in each other, which had the unfortunate side effect of forcing them both to realise the worst in themselves.
In the current moment, they sat in Felix's bed. It was often Felix's bed. The trust of inviting Felix to her house and into her room existed, but it was overshadowed by the shame of letting him see how her and her mother lived. So, their default makeout spot was Felix's bed.
He currently sat with his back against his wall, his left thigh pressing against the soft pillows that lay perfectly beneath his headboard. Cindy was on top of him, knees either side of his torso and pressing into the mattress, with her hands resting on his shoulders, his arms loosely wrapped around her hips.
It had been like that for a while, though neither of them were keeping track of time. It was Sunday, after all, neither of them burdened by their regular obligations. It was obvious for them to spend their time with their tongues in each other's mouths. Slow, gentle, almost rhythmic.
Felix breaks this rhythm when he presses his face closer to Cindy's, his hands now gripping Cindy's waist to pull her in closer.
This has the opposite effect of what Felix wants, as Cindy pulls away near instantly, almost falling off the bed as she does so. She stumbles off his lap and falls to the right of his body, her breath a little more uneven now. Both of them don't move or speak for a couple seconds.
Ah. This is… not good.
Impulsivity was nothing new to Cindy, but this was very strange behaviour in particular. They were enjoying themselves thirty seconds ago, Felix couldn't see what had changed, what triggered Cindy to pull away and start to hyperventilate. Even with his thoughts still muddled and confused, he speaks up – he's not going to get any answers by staring blankly at his upset girlfriend.
"...Cindy?" he tries softly, keeping his voice level. He was a little upset at the action, he wouldn't deny that, but he equally didn't want to take that out on her. He was making a very conscious decision to try and understand her thought process here, even if he didn't know her reasonings yet.
She doesn't reply, her head lowered as her eyes stare at the trembling hands pressed against the mattress. When Felix tries to reach out to place a comforting hand on her shoulder, she flinches away, and Felix pulls his hand back instantly. The wide-eyed look on her face just makes him feel worse.
"Okay– it's okay, I won't touch you," he says softly, which seems to make her calm down by the smallest amount. It was better than nothing, Felix thought, readjusting himself so he was now leaning against his headboard to better face Cindy. He makes sure his legs don't brush against her hands.
"I– I'm sorry, if I have caused this. It wasn't my intention. I did not… mean to upset you," Felix says gently, looking at Cindy who doesn't quite meet his eyes. She takes a deep, shaky breath. It sounded almost pained.
"You're– I–" she exhales shakily, blinking rapidly to get rid of the tears in her eyes. She whispers softly, quietly, near child-like in tone, "you're not… going to hurt me?"
Felix was taken aback at that. He thought they had worked through their issues, resolved all their tensions of carrying past traumas into this relationship. He thought they were on good terms again.
He's stunned into silence for a moment, before croaking out a no that sounds hesitant. He clears his voice to repeat himself, hoping to sound more convincing this time, to properly convey his genuinity.
"No, honey. Not at all. I would never…"
Cindy nods, and he can see the mental battle between her current self and a younger, scared version of herself play out behind her eyes. His hands clench awkwardly in the lap of his crossed legs, never the one for silence nor comforting others. This tended to be Teddy's job, to defuse silences or help others, but Felix knew the social inappropriateness of calling his brother to help with an issue he created. And maybe, he knew that Cindy needed him specifically.
"It's… it's okay," Felix eventually tries, in the vague approximation of how a human being talks. He sets his eyes on Cindy fully, trying to ignore the upset that filled him at seeing her in such a state – he had an unusable empathy for Cindy that only she and Teddy were ever granted. It was still rather difficult to adjust to it, but he would. For her. "I– I promise, dear, everything is okay. You need not worry when you are around me, I assure you that you are safe."
Cindy pauses, before giggling softly, "you sound so stupid."
Felix's Frankenstein-ing of all the comforting words he's heard before is forced to abruptly stop at that. He stammers over his words for a few moments, before spluttering out a "what?"
She sniffles, wiping away her tears, but she still had a slight giggle to her. At least she seemed not as panicked, Felix noted, so he would allow this mockery just this once.
"You still talking in your… y'know, your posh fancy speak."
"That's just how I talk!" he sounded offended, and maybe he was deep down, but the only thing that mattered to him was the way Cindy giggled. He couldn't of been too mad anyway, considering the fact he was smiling.
"Well, it sounds silly when you try to be all serious."
"Shouldn't my – as you put it – "posh fancy speak" work best for seriousness?"
Cindy shrugs with a small snicker, "I dunno. It just sounds funny."
Felix sighed dramatically, watching as Cindy further composed herself and sits up. She wipes the last tears from her eyes, before murmuring a quiet sorry. Felix knows to shift the tone of the room back into seriousness.
"It's quite alright. Why do you apologise?"
"For… reacting like that. For making you see me like that," she murmurs, embarrassment in her tone. Felix shakes his head.
"I do not mind, as long as you are feeling okay now." He pauses, because gently asking, "you… do feel better now, do you not?"
"Yeah, I'm fine, still–" Cindy pauses, forcing herself to be vulnerable, "still a bit… shaken, but yeah. Better."
Felix just nods, watching as she moves closer and eventually sits besides her, scooting closer to the wall to give her as much space as she needs. Slowly, she interlocks her right hand with his left, their shoulders touching slightly. Felix doesn't dare move.
"That's good," he whispered, scared any noise even a decibel louder would scare her off like a stray cat. "And… and do you want to talk about… what upset you?"
Cindy hesitates, before shrugging and murmuring a quiet, "just… shitty ex things."
That never meant anything good. Felix frowns, "if you want to elaborate, you are free to. Teddy says talking about bad experiences helps process them."
Cindy chuckles, "I don't think I've ever processed anything in my life."
There's a quiet moment. Cindy had brought Felix's hand to her stomach, and was using her free hand to trace patterns over the soft skin. He let her, whatever calmed her down.
"I had… this ex," she starts, voice quiet and shaky despite barely mentioning him, not even saying his name. "A couple years ago, maybe? I don't… know, the details get fuzzy. Point is, he was really… forceful. A lot."
Felix hearts breaks, his right hand gripping the blanket beneath him in a borderline painful way as to let the hand Cindy was holding remain still. He lets her continue.
"I– I told him, specifically, not to try anything with me if I was too drunk. I told him, specifically, that I got… uhm…" the pained anger in her voice pauses at the memory. She keeps talking despite the vagueness hanging in the air. "I told him what happened to me when I was younger. And he said–" she swallows, "he said he'd never. He promised… he promised he wouldn't."
"Oh, darling…" Felix whispers, watching as her hands shakes. He unclenches his right fist and gently places it over her hands. She was barely able to allude to it without turning into a trembling mess. "You… you don't have to tell me anything else if you do not want to, I… I get the idea."
Cindy nods, croaking out a thanks. Felix nods back at her.
"Is… uhm… was I too forceful?"
Cindy shakes her head, swallowing the dryness of her throat before speaking again, "no, I– I was liking it. I think it was just a little too… fast? Maybe too rough, or a mix of the two."
Felix nods in understanding, "I will be more gentle, I promise."
"Thank you..."
"Of course"
Felix looks to her shaking hands, tentatively asking if a hug was okay – he saw how she flinched away before at a slight touch, so he needed to double check, he needed to avoid that situation repeating. When she nods, he pulls her into his arms, almost desperately wrapping them around her back. Her arms come up around his shoulders.
"...I swear to God, I would never think of making you do something you did not want to do," he finally whispers.
"Thank you," she repeats softly.
"And rest assured that I will never let that sorry excuse of a man even think about looking at you."
Cindy giggles, "I like it when you go all scary." Felix repeats a similar noise.
"Well, a gentleman takes care of his girl."
She snorts, "and you ruined it"