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—
Cindy had a very particular bedtime routine.
She starts by removing her makeup. The hour after waking up and the hour before going to bed were practically the only times she could be caught without any makeup on, and she would prefer for it to stay that way. It was her mask, a safety blanket in it's own right, and she wouldn't dare to let anyone she didn't trust see her without her mask.
Then, she moves onto her clothes. Cindy enjoyed the femininity of skirts and tanktops and bows tied into her hair, but she starts to hate the performance aspect of it by the end of the day. It was always a relief to slip into an oversized shirt and sweatpants, knowing it was the curtain call, and she could go backstage.
Finally, the longest part of her bedtime routine came: her skincare. She sits in her bathroom with a facemask applied as she shaves every inch of her body, then applies various products all over herself as she makes sure her nails looked perfect, ready for another layer of polish tomorrow. The final step is to clean up her eyebrows, making sure they were perfectly symmetrical.
Once she deems them acceptable, she stops focusing on just her eyebrows, and she meets eyes with her reflection. Her face drops as soon as she does.
Cindy did not like looking at herself without makeup. In fact, she despised doing so – without her mask, she noticed too many of her imperfections, and every comment anyone had ever made about her appearance just follow into that train of thought. She knew, more than anyone, that most people didn't tend to like her, that most people thought her to be an annoying, rude pick-me. She knows because she hears every whisper.
It shouldn't get to her, she was a bully in her own right who shouldn't be affected by other's words, but it does. It really does.
She looks to the blade of the eyebrow razor in her now shaking hand.
She wonders how sharp it is.
—
Felix was broken out of his own nighttime routine by a ringing of his phone.
He was also in his bathroom, though his was much nicer than Cindy's. It was an en suite, for one, and most likely bigger than her bedroom. Every part of it was perfectly organised and tidied, cleaned by serviceman Felix never learned the names of. A part of Felix never exactly processed the difference in their world's, and he picks up the call from Cindy all the same.
"Hello, my dear. How are you?" he answers, the same as he always does, excited by the sudden call from his girlfriend. There's a silence, though, none of the expected chattering that usually follows Cindy calling. Only shuffling being heard from the other line, and his excitement starts to shift into concern. "Cindy? Are you there?"
Another silence hangs in the air, before Felix finally hears a quiet "hey."
"Hello…" Felix's tone softens into something more cautious. "Is everything alright?"
"...I think i need you to come over."
Felix was well acquainted with Cindy asking to come over, but inviting him to her house – her house that she was ashamed by, that was inhabited by her mother who she hated – was just another cause for concern in this short yet already alarming phone call. Felix ignores his fears and presses on, knowing he wouldn't get any answers by thinking about what might've happened.
"And why is that?"
Another silence, then a soft "I did something stupid. And– and it wont stop bleeding, and its freaking me out."
Felix's breath hitches a little. Ah.
He didn't need to pry right now, though, he just needed to get over there as soon as he could.
"Right. Okay," he takes a deep breath,. "Okay. Can you firmly press a tissue against it until I'm there, please?"
"Okay…"
That gave some relief to Felix, though he was still thoroughly worried.
"I'll be there as soon as I physically can be. Would you want me to stay on the line?"
"Uh– no, no, I think I should be alright."
"Alright. Good. I'll be seeing you shortly. I love you."
"I love you too."
Cindy is the one to hang up, and for a moment, Felix is frozen in place, every awful situation of what had happened, and what could be happening in the future, running through his thoughts.
"Goddamnit," he murmurs to himself, mentally kicking the part of his brain that made his body freeze up in fear. He needs to focus on getting to her, so none of the fears in his head come true.
He did not care that he was in his pyjamas, because he was not about to spend however long picking an outfit to change into. No, he was pulling a coat on top of his perfectly ironed shirt and shoes onto feet that didn't even have socks. With the little bit of logic left in his muddled mind, he shoves everything he may need into his coat pockets, and then dashes out of his room.
In his head, there was a script prepared in case anybody questioned why he was dressed as he was at 10pm, but he was lucky to not bump into anyone on his way out, easily making it to his car. Felix hopes not many people were on the road, both so he wouldn't be held up, and so it would be easier to bypass any speeding laws
—
Felix doesn't bother knocking, because he did not want to waste any more time than he already had. He unlocks the front door with the key that Cindy gave him in case of emergency and walks in without a second thought, barely shutting the door behind him before calling out her name. He immediately gets a response
"I'm in the bathroom," came Cindy's voice, in that same defeated tone he heard over the phone, and Felix's feet start moving before his brain can even process what he may be about to see.
His breath is caught in his throat when he opens the door. Cindy sits on the floor, back pressed up against the tub, with her hand pressing a now blood-soaked tissue into her inner wrist. Even if it was what he expected, it was still something he never thought he would experience.
The words are caught in Felix's throat for a second, but he manages to force out a greeting as he walks in. He removes his coat, places it in his lap, and sits besides Cindy. She refuses to meet his eyes as she mutters back a hi. Before he can ask anything, she is spurred into a shameful monologue.
"I– its stop bleeding now, mostly. I'm sorry for dragging you out, I overreacted. It's probably fine. You can go back home if you don't want to deal with me. I should've called when it stopped bleeding."
"No, don't apologise. I'm glad you called when you did. I would want to know anyway, okay?" he speaks gently, and she just nods at his words. He takes a deep breath, "can I see it, please? I know you insist it's fine, but would still like to tend to it, just in case."
There's a moment of hesitation, but Cindy eventually pulls away the tissue. Surrounded by a thin layer of blood were three thin cuts, then one much deeper one. As the tissue is removed, the larger cut fills with blood, but it doesn't spill out of the wound. Felix sighs softly, trying to keep himself in order and focus on his injured girlfriend.
"Alright. I'll ask questions later," he murmurs, mostly just verbalising his thoughts. He digs into the pockets of the coat, pulling out an antiseptic wipe, gauze, and bandages. Cindy quirks an eyebrow as he removes the wipe from it's packaging.
"Why did you bring all that?"
"I got the implication of what had happened," he replies simply, gently taking Cindy's arm in his hand.
"Yeah, but… how come you had all that on hand?" she questions, flinching a little as the cold antiseptic wipe grazes over her skin.
"Ah, I've done this plenty of times with Teddy," Felix says casually.
"You probably shouldn't of told me that. It feels too personal."
"You did ask," he defends, before pausing. Maybe airing his brother's history to his girlfriend wasn't the best cause of action. "But yes. Perhaps so. Don't tell Teddy I told you that."
Cindy chuckles softy, and Felix is glad to see her laugh, even slightly.
"Don't worry, I wasn't planning on it,"
Once the blood on her skin was cleaned and the cuts themselves were disinfected, Felix applies the gauze and starts to carefully wrap the bandages around her arm. He feels like now is an appropriate time to start questioning her.
"...may I ask what happened?"
Cindy sighs, "I– I'm not suicidal, I swear."
It was a little concerning that her first defense was that, but Felix pushes on.
"I never said you were, I was asking what happened."
She frowns "I don't know. I was just… shaving my eyebrows, and then I started thinking about everything, and it became so much. And then I got curious to how sharp the blade was, and then I pressed harder, and…" her voice trails off. "I don't want to do it again. I swear."
"It's still concerning. What if you fall into that headspace again, and then do it again?" Felix questions softly, tying off the bandage, though his hands still hold onto her bandaged wrist. "I'm not exactly comforted by the thought of you keeping those blades with you."
"So what, you're gonna confiscate them? I still need to shave."
"For your safety, yes. I know you still need to shave, but I don't mind watching over you as you do so. I just cannot trust you with anything sharp. I hope you understand."
Cindy groans softly, "I do, and I hate that I do. And I hate that you're doing this… but thank you."
Felix doesn't verbally reply, simply pressing a soft kiss to the outside of the bandage before letting Cindy's arm go. She sighs and pulls her arm close, looking at it solemnly.
"That's probably gonna leave a scar… people are gonna think I'm being an attention whore again."
"If you cover it for a month, the little ones will fade. You'll surely find an excuse for the larger one by then. Besides, most people wont assume self-harm if there is only one single scar."
Cindy squints her eyes at Felix.
"It's starting to feel like you've had this issue before."
"Oh, no. If I ever did plan to self-harm–" he stops himself just in time, because he remembers what had just happened, and how a lot of Cindy's concern came with other people noticing her scars. "I would not express my plans of hiding it to you."
"You better not be planning anything. That hurt."
"That is the point of cutting oneself, yes."
"Yeah, but…" she pouts "I don't want you hurting."
"I don't want you hurting either," Felix says softly. "Which is why I am glad you called. And why, if that happens again, or if you're even thinking about doing something like that, I would like you to call."
"I'll try…. But you–" she pokes him in the stomach, "–gotta tell me if you're thinking 'bout it too. Cause I got my eye on you now."
Felix chuckles, "alright. alright. I'll tell you."
There's a pause, and Felix's voice becomes more gentle.
"I'd like those blades of yours now, please".
—
It's no surprise that Felix doesn't exactly feel comfortable leaving Cindy alone after that, even with the most obvious options for self-harm stuffed into his coat pockets where the bandages used to be. He couldn't go home, he needed to be there for her.
He curls up beside her in bed, their conversation from earlier playing over in his head.
"You gotta tell me if you're thinking 'bout it too."
He pulls her a little closer.
"Cindy, dear?" he starts softly, his arms firmly wrapped around her back. She looks up to him, chin resting against the top of his chest.
"Yeah?"
He meets her eyes, big and innocent and so loving. He couldn't do this to her. It felt cruel
"I love you," he murmurs instead, pressing his forehead against hers and closing his eyes so hopefully some of that guilt would fade away. "So much…"
She giggles softly, seemingly none the wiser, "I love you too…"