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“Really? That’s your plan?” My voice rings through my ears even though I haven’t said anything. The ceiling is dark, but there are just enough lines on it for my mind to draw some unpleasant thoughts onto it. “You want to open some stupid restaurant? That will never work! How much of a fucking moron are you?” I yell out even though my lips do not move an inch. Thunder roars, but outside is as dry as a bone. It’s nothing but a distant memory.
“At least I have ideas! Things I really wanna do. You just can’t get over how we lost our magic!” Sonata yells back at me. Her real self is sleeping beside me, but it doesn’t stop the memory from replaying like it was yesterday. “I just want to be happy, Aria! Why can’t you move on and support me?!”
Something similar happens almost every night. I lay down and close my eyes, but I’m never able to find that blissful embrace of sleep. At some point, I find myself staring at the ceiling again. Thoughts will race through my mind and if I’m lucky, I may fall asleep after a few hours of replaying scenarios. If I am not… Well, I will end up tired again tomorrow.
I guess the memory for tonight is that day… The day she and I went our separate ways. I made a lot of mistakes then… I would prefer the visions of dark shadows playing in the corners of the room over replaying memories. I can never predict what ways my mind will keep me up the next night. I just have to hope that maybe this will be a lucky night where I can fall asleep on time… Of course, tonight isn’t one of those times.
Turning to look towards her, I see her usual peaceful face. She never has a problem sleeping. Sometimes, I hate her for it, but… I also care about her. True, she’s a moron, but… still.
“Is it something I have done?” Sonata asks me, even though her face is still blissfully asleep. “Why can’t you say that you love me? Am I too stupid for that kind of affection?” This time, the question comes from a memory a lot more recent. A fight that happened a week ago. She asked me that last part in retaliation, trying to get me to react. At least, I hope she didn’t mean it… I call her dumb all the time, but that doesn’t mean I want her to think it.
Maybe I’m not meant to be in a relationship. Especially with her. I don’t like showing affection. I don’t like being… vulnerable. It makes me feel weak and I don’t ever want to be powerless again. But…
She wants affection. And I don’t want to lose her again.
But how can I give her what she wants when I can’t even force myself to have a healthy sleep schedule? It’s so much easier to pretend like I am indifferent towards her and let her be the intimate one. How can I be worthy of this dummy when I can’t even bring myself to look her in the eyes and say-
“I love you,” I whisper, looking at her sleeping face. “You’re… doing enough. You’re smart,” I barely break the silence. Fucking hell. Even now, it still feels uncomfortable to say things like this. She can’t even hear me and I am about to start tripping on my words. Might as well shoot myself. The only good thing about my insomnia is the fact that it has given me time to practice this. “I’m sorry. You’re… tolerable to be around.” Tolerable? Really?
Shaking my head, I sit up, trying to clear my head. She hasn’t moved an inch. Even through our complicated history and our constant bickering, she still feels something for me. Maybe I induced some level of Stockholm syndrome in her…
Looking back towards her, I brush some hair out of her face. All jokes aside, I wish I knew how to be what she wants me to be. Nights like these make it hard. I’m always tired and not in the mood. I still remember when I was able to sleep normally before we were exiled here. With all my problems, I’m a fucked up person. And I seriously wonder sometimes why my friends put up with me.
…
I hate nights like these…
“Alright. Do you need me to run through anything again?” Adagio asks me on the phone. In front of me, complicated instruments are part of a console with a dozen switches and buttons. Headphones rest on a rack and a window looks into an empty room with a lot of soundproofing mesh. Adagio spent a lot of money on this studio, even before she came to find us. It’s a little impressive. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she would try to have a career in music. We all are now that we’re working on some lyrics together.
“No, I think I get it.” My anxiety has significantly lowered over the course of Adagio explaining what I need to do. I don’t want to break any of this equipment. It’s not like I have the money to fix it anyway. “Yeah. I’m good. Enjoy the rest of your trip,” I say in a cold tone. She has shit to do.
“Is there anything else you need help with?” she asks me, making me raise my eyebrow.
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t get defensive. I just thought it sounded like you had something on your mind,” Dagi explains. In the past, she would have made fun of me. She wouldn’t have asked what is going on inside my head. In a lot of ways, she is the same person. But… it seems like Sunset can be a good influence.
“It’s nothing. Just a lack of sleep,” I quietly respond. A small sigh comes from the other end of the call.
“You’re always sleep deprived, Ari. It’s something else.” I hate how she can tell when I am lying. I guess that comes with the territory of knowing each other for hundreds of years.
“Promise not to tell anyone of your friends? Including Sunset?” I ask with a harsh voice, hating the mere thought of someone like Sunset knowing my private thoughts. She may not be a bad person, but it doesn’t mean that I trust her yet. Dagi gives me the vocal equivalent of a nod in a hum. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, wondering how I should say this.
“Sonata and I have been wanting to do something fun while you’re gone. Something between us. But uh… She’s been wanting more affection from me recently.” It’s already embarrassing to admit this much info. I can feel my cheeks start to flush, ashamed of how personal this is. “I just… I don’t know how to do that. I hate being that open. But I know she wants to hear me say those words more often. That’s just really difficult for me.”
“What words?” she asks in a blank tone. I can’t help but fall silent, cursing her out in my mind. Why did she have to ask that?
“You know damn well what I mean, Dagi,” I whisper into the phone, making a fist.
“Do I?” she almost instantly responds. At times like these, I really REALLY want to punch her. Fortunately for her, she’s on a trip and won’t be back for a while. “In a similar vein, does Sonata know that you love her?”
“Of course she does. I just… I think. But that’s why I’m bringing this up in the first place.” Shaking my head in annoyance, I rest my forehead against the console in my best attempt to hide. No one is here, but I guess I am trying to hide from my own conscience judging me. “Do you have any advice to help me get more used to… affection?” My question falls into silence. The seconds go by and Adagio doesn’t say a word. But I can still hear her breathing. For someone that is married, I figured she would know what to say here.
“In terms of saying it, just doing it more often helps to normalize those words,” she finally says, seemingly withdrawn. “It never feels natural the first hundred times or so. It feels special and vulnerable. Especially if you think others will judge you for saying something like I love you. But it becomes normal after a while. If you really can’t say that without great effort, I’d suggest doing something special for her and add a written note.” Something special. I don’t know what she would like exactly. Maybe going out, but I’d want it to be something more memorable than that. I…
“Yeah. That sounds like a good idea,” I slowly reply, looking up from the console. A couple ideas start to make sense. It’s not a permanent solution, but it could help with my apprehension for now. “That helps a lot actually. Thanks, Dagi.”
“Anytime,” she charismatically replies, sounding smug. As I hang up the call, I can’t help but think about one thing.
I really hope she doesn’t tell anyone about this. Including her wife.
Ugh… How does she handle this? After almost an hour and a half of cooking, the worst part was cutting up the onions. Sonata can make tacos without a care in the world, but they smell weird and make my eyes sting. The finished product rests on the dining room table in front of me. While it does smell good, I still can’t understand why this is her favorite food. It’s a lot of work, but maybe that’s because I’m not used to it myself. Sonata should be back from her errands soon though. That means I have one last thing to do.
Walking over to where she will sit, I gently put a vase with a rose next to her meal. Leaning an envelope on the vase, I can’t help but wince a little at the display. It is sappy as shit, but if she likes it, maybe it is worth it to be a little embarrassed for her sake. It took me a while to write the letter. Mainly because I was struggling with what to say, but… I also tried to make my handwriting as neat as possible. If I am going to say those words in writing, she at least deserves to read them in a nice format. She does a lot of what I want, so I’m hoping this is something that she will like.
Moving to the living room, I look at myself in the mirror. My hair is brushed far more than usual. My shoulders are bare due to my dress. The only remnants of my punk fashion are the choker around my neck and a vague web design on the dress. Every second I look at myself, I can’t help but wonder if I am overdoing this shit. Or if Sonata will like this…
As if on cue, I can hear the front door unlock. Before I can say anything, a blue siren walks into the house with mail in her hand and a drink from some fast food place. She doesn’t seem to immediately notice me standing in the middle of the living room as she hurries to put her purse down, taking off her hoodie.
“Hey, Ari? I’m ho-” she stops herself mid sentence as she turns on the lights. Her eyes dart over to me, scanning me from head to toe. A small blush comes to her face, clearly surprised by my attire. “Ooh, you look so pretty! Why are you dressed up?” she asks me, moving closer to look at the dress in greater detail.
“For you,” I say quietly, trying my best to keep my composure. “You uh… said you wanted more… intimacy.” Moving my hand, I gesture towards the dining room. Sonata’s gaze follows my hand, instantly making her eyes go wide in surprise.
“Did… Did you make us dinner? Is this a date?” Before waiting for me to answer her question, Sonata moves past the couch and into the dining room. Her body is slow and almost timid, but her expression says everything. She’s happy. After a moment, her gaze moves to the letter leaning against the vase, marked for her eyes only. “Aria, how long did it take for-”
“That doesn’t matter,” I interrupt her abruptly. “Just… try to enjoy it. I’m not used to this sappy shit, so… If I got anything wrong, please tell me.” Sonata genuinely smiles at my request, giving me an enthusiastic nod.
“It’s perfect~ Really! I’ll change into something pretty too, but after I read this,” she states while grabbing the letter. Gently, she opens the envelope after I give her a nod, letting her know it is okay to read it now. Inside, there’s just a single page. Admittedly, I found it hard to say something intimate, even in writing. But I did my best to outline how I feel. How I’m sorry for not believing in her back then. And how, despite my attitude, I don’t want to ever lose her again. Those kinds of words come so naturally to her. She’s able to shower me with thoughts of affection without losing an ounce of confidence. In a way, it is inspiring. Cause I can’t do that. I freeze up and I hate feeling weak. Like any word I say can be used against me. It’s easier to pretend I don’t care.
But I do care. I like her dorky laugh. Her dumb tendencies. Even her annoying obsessions are a big part of who she is. I tell her to shut up, but I don’t want her to stop talking. She’s… She’s nice.
I love her.
Tears fall from Sonata’s eyes as she reads the letter. Not ones of sadness from the smile on her face. Her hand trembles slightly. As soon as her eyes look up from the page, she immediately grabs me in a hug. Before I can do anything, she kisses me, making my body freeze in place.
“Oh, Aria! You do care~!” she says with a giddy tone, holding me as tightly as she can.
“I get it. Jeez. I…” I do care. No matter what, I don’t want her to think otherwise. “I love you…”