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The house is quiet. Too damn quiet.
He keeps expecting to find some evidence that this isn't happening. Expects to find a warm body in bed watching Sportsnet; expects to find giggles erupting from a blanket fort in the basement; expects a soft kiss on his forehead, the comfort that being at home used to provide.
And there's just nothing, it's all gone and it's never coming back and that though alone is enough to rip the sobs from Patrick's chest.
Pat slumps to the floor, finally letting himself cry. Mia and Joey are at Uncle Sharpy and Aunty Abby's, for which Pat is grateful. He loves his children, needs to be strong for them, not this empty shell of a man that lays curled in the foyer sobbing.
For three days Patrick held it together. He's paid his dues, he's been strong, and now he's done pretending it's not devastating that Jonny is gone.
And screw Jonny for leaving them. Screw him for thinking that Patrick can do this on his own because he fucking can't. It was Jonny who realized Mia is allergic to blueberries, and it was Jonny who knew exactly what to do when Joey had his first asthma attack. Patrick is lost. He's lost and alone and fuck Jonny, fuck him for just leaving his family like this! They need him! Pat needs him. He doesn't know how to function in a world without Jonny, not anymore, and he loathes him even more for that.
There are so many things Patrick hates Jonny for right now but he hates him most for leaving. He hates him for calling Pat late and telling him he'd drive home from Rockford in the worst blizzard of the year. He hates him for being too stubborn to listen and just stay at the hotel for the night. He hates him for overworking himself, for not sleeping enough. Hates him for the 3 am wake up call; for his confused and crying children; for the worst phone call Pat has ever had with Andrée and Bryan. For the hollow feeling Patrick can't get rid of and the pitying looks of everyone he sees.
Most of all, Patrick hates Jonny for being dead.
* * *
Jonny always told Patrick he worried too much, which, really, rich coming from a guy who was afraid their new born daughter would be able to hear them have sex from three rooms down and be traumatized when they had first brought her home.
But Pat just wanted the best for his family and was fiercely protective of them. He'd almost flown to Buffalo for a beat down when he found out Jackie's fiance was cheating on her. When Abby had agreed to carry their embryos for them, Patrick was so over protective that Sharpy had to have a boundaries talk with him.
Jonny sighed deeply, starting in again on just why he thought Patrick was over reacting. “It's just for one night, Rockford is an hour and a half drive away Pat. I'm from Canada, a little snow on the highway doesn't scare me.”
“I don't care if you're from fucking Siberia Jonathan, the weather people are smarter than you and they said not to be driving. I don't want you driving there in the morning, call the Hogs and tell them you'll have to reschedule.” Patrick paced their bedroom floor.
“Pat, baby, I can't...” Patrick jerked back from Jonny's outstretched hand.
“Don't you 'Pat baby' me Jonathan Bryan Toews. I am your husband, we have children together, I am your life partner, I love you and I am entitled to be scared as fuck about you driving in a blizzard!” Pat let himself deflate against Jonny's chest, as Jonny's arms snaked around his waist. Fighting was about the last thing Patrick would like to be doing on a night when both kids are solidly asleep.
It must be a tell of how long they had been together, because Jonny had seemed to realize this. He slowly lowered his lips, gently kissing and sucking down Pat's neck, nipping lightly at his earlobe before whispering between kisses and licks.
“I'm sorry baby. I'm the luckiest man in the world, having you. Don't think I tell you that enough. I love you. I love you so much.”
Pat hummed in agreement, “You really are, I'm a damn good catch.” He twisted to face Jonny, arms wrapped around his neck. “Why don't you show me just how much you love me, yeah?”
The smirk on his face before Jonny licked into Patrick mouth was easily the sleaziest, most arousing thing he'd ever seen in his life. The promise of so, so much satisfaction. Yeah, Patrick was gone on this, his, man.
If Patrick had known that would be the last time he'd make love to his husband, he'd have never let Jonny leave their bed.
* * *
Pat was always better at words and feeling than Jonny was, always knew what and when to say things. But Jonny was always better prepared for anything that ever could happen. Which is why Pat isn't at all surprised that Lucy from PR had given him a sealed envelope with his name in Jonny's perfect, loopy writing at the funeral.
Of course the fucker had a 'good-bye' letter pre-written for Patrick. Jonny is exactly the kind of douche bag who does shit like this. Was. Did. The previously fond feeling in Pats chest grows tight and painful.
It takes him 3 hours to calm his breathing and gently tear open the envelope. He closes his eyes, counts to ten, then starts to read.
If Patrick had any tears left he's sure they'd be falling harder no. Instead he gasps desperately for air and reaches for his phone.
“Mom?” Pat can barely get the words through his throat. “Mom. Mom I can't do this. I can't live without him. I can't. He promised he be there for everything and now he's gone and I can't. Please, momma. Please I need, I need...” He chokes, deep shuddering sobs ripping through his chest. He's vaguely aware of his mother saying something, he thinks the line goes dead, but he doesn't care.
His world is gone. Buried in a chunk of wood, under a slab of concrete like he didn't change everything. Like he's not the most important man in Pat's life.
And just as the crushing pain in Pat's chest gets to be too much, his door flies open and his mother has him in her arms. She rocks him slowly, gently singing 'I'll love you forever' the way she did when he was a kid; the way he does now for his kids. Some part of him figures he ought to be a little embarrassed. He's a 32 year old man crying in his mothers lap as she comforts him. He's vaguely aware that he should be doing this for his babies, that it probably makes him a bad father that he isn't. He tells his mom as much.
“Shhh. Patty, shh. You're a wonderful daddy, and they love you, and I love you. Things aren't okay, they won't ever be, but I promise you my sweetheart. I promise you they will get better. Every minute, every hour, every day. Life will get a little bit easier. I promise you.” Patrick shudders and tucks his face further into his moms neck.
“I just miss him mom. So much.”
“Me too baby, me too.”
Patrick dozes in and out of consciousness, curled up on his floor with his mother cooing comforting words in his ear. He knows she's right, he knows Jonny's letter is right. He can do this, he just doesn't want to. Not right now.
* * *
9 months later
Patrick is pretty sure he once heard someone say it takes an army to raise a child. It's totally a thing, okay? And he knows it's true because the only reason he and his kids are still standing. He credits his family for everything. Without his family, he'd still be a mess on the floor who's kids needed their daddy. And he absolutely includes his in-laws and the Hawks in the family category.
Jackie is standing near the Hummer, literally letting Joey climb up her because his 3 year old is way too much like him. It's going to be an issue, Patrick can already tell.
He pauses walking up the concrete steps of the school when he realizes Mia isn't beside him anymore. She stands two strides behind him, gaze fixed stubbornly on the ground and eyes pooling with tears. And for the millionth time in the past 9 months, Patrick feels his heart completely shatter.
He kneels gently in front of her and grabs for her hands. When he tilts her chin up, she refuses to look at him. She is so much like Jonny.
“Princess please look at me. Tell me what's wrong, daddy can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong.” Patrick waits patiently for her to answer. When she does, it's like a puck to the throat.
“Papa promised he'd walk me to my first day of grade one. He broke his promise daddy. He lied because he's gone and he can't walk me to grade one no more. He lied to me daddy.”
Patrick would do absolutely anything to never see his little princess like this again, so broken and so lost. It's a look he's seen too much since that horrible night.
“Oh baby, come here.” And just like his mother did 9 months ago, he cradles his little girl while she cries in his arms. “I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.”
Her words come choked and muffled. “Daddy I miss Papa. I don't wanna go to school no more.”
“I know baby. I miss Papa too. I miss him everyday.” Pat settles Mia on his lap, so he can look in her eyes as he speaks. “But he didn't lie to you princess. He would never lie to you. Remember what I told you? Papa is always with us, so he's here right now.”
Mia looks sceptical. Proof to Patrick that Jonny will never truly be gone.
“It's true, princess. And you know what he would say? He would say 'Hey chicken nugget, I know this is scary, but you're a big girl and you're smart and beautiful. You will make lots of friends and love learning so much that you won't want to come home. You can do this.'” His impression of Jonny is horrible and Mia giggles at his silly voice. He counts every laugh as a win.
“So are you going to be a big girl and go to school? I promise I'll walk with you and I'll be here after school. We can go get ice cream and go for a walk and you can tell me everything, okay?”
Mia hesitates, then nods. “As long as Joey can come too. Papa would get mad if we left him behind. I love you.”
She gives him a big smacking kiss on the lips.
“We love you too princess. Always and forever.”
The days have gotten easier, they all cry less and laugh more now. Every once in awhile Pat will find himself looking for Jonny after a funny joke, or trying to find him on the ice. That will never stop hurting, and Pat knows that he will never be okay with Jonny's death.
He also knows that as long he has Mia and Joey, Jonny will never really be gone. When Patrick starts to lose hope, he rereads Jonny's letter. And that helps every day get a little bit easier.
Hi Baby.
You're probably pretty mad at me right now. I don't blame you, fucking douche move on my part, leaving you with the kids. You need to know I never want this for you. You need to know there is no way you are at fault for this. Unless you killed me. Even then you probably had a good enough reason, so I guess I forgive you.
You should probably let our loved ones know I still love them no matter what. My mom especially, because she'll find a way to blame this on herself. You two are really the same that way.
Pat, there's nothing you could do. Death is a part of life, it's what makes it so precious, what makes every single day a blessing and worth fighting for. You promised me when we got married that you would never give up on anything. I'm holding you to that.
You are not alone, I'm always there with you. You're going to raise our kids into amazing human beings, trust me. There is nothing I believe in more than your ability to succeed no matter what. Tell them I love them every single day. Tell yourself the same thing. I'll never stop watching you all, and I will always be there for everything. Don't you ever forget that Patrick. Not even death can keep me from loving you all.
I need you to try to love someone again, I need to know that you will have someone to love and protect you and the kids the way I do. You deserve love and happiness. Promise me you won't give up, I know this will be hard, but I know you Pat. You are the strongest human being and I know you're capable of anything.
I am so proud of you, of Mia, of Joey. You three are the loves of my life. You need to know that no matter how it happens, how old I am when it happens, my life has been fulfilled because of you three.
I love you, baby. Always and forever.
Jonny.
PS; I'll be waiting for you. Take your time. Xxoo