Chapter Text
Cole never liked parties. Especially the college ones. He hated all those people dancing to god-awful music, the couples fucking in bathrooms, without minding their own dignity, but most of all, he hated the strong smell of alcohol. He hated all the memories that were connected to it, and he hated his moral incapacity to drink it. He sobered up a while ago, but still, the temptation to just ask for a little of his friend’s drink, a glass of vodka or even just a sip from a stranger’s gin, was strong.
Still, he promised to himself that he wouldn't drink that day.
Looking around, he noticed that his friend Jay and his girlfriend went into the dancing pit. They promised Cole that they wouldn’t leave him alone, but still, the black-haired man was standing in a corner, with a glass of fanta in his hand, while the closest people to him were a bunch of girls fixing their hair, at least two feet away from him.
He thought of going home, but then Jay and Nya would’ve had to drive back themselves, and he didn’t like the idea of two drunk lovers driving in a busy street, so he stayed.
He thought of going out for a smoke, but he also sobered up from that.
Having nothing to do, his thoughts wavered, once again, back to Kai.
They stopped speaking and seeing each other almost two years ago, after a bad breakup.
Cole never considered it “bad”, it just had to be done: Kai wasn’t stable mentally and it was just too much to take.
“Why? You know I'm doing bad. You fucking know im struggling with all my family shits, and still, you’re leaving? Because you can’t take it anymore?” That's what his ex-lover said that night. And the black-haired man couldn’t help but feel guilty, but when he thought about Kai’s mood changes, all those unanswered messages, and his missing love for the other man, he knew he did the right thing. Not only for himself, but also for Kai. He deserved to be alone, to get better on his own. He deserved a chance at not being dependent on anyone for once in his life. He deserved to feel true love, and not a similar feeling founded on the need to have someone in his life to hang on whenever he wanted.
He wished that he said all these things. So maybe he would’ve looked like someone who didn’t think just about his own feelings.
“I promise you, when you’ll get better, I'll be here. I’ll never stop loving you, Kai.” and that’s what he answered.
“Fuck you, Cole! If you truly cared, then you wouldn’t end things just because they became difficult!” These were the last words that were spoken between the two.
The black-haired man spent that night standing in front of the door of his room, wondering where the hell they went wrong.
They got together when they were in the first year of highschool, and everyone considered them the perfect couple. They truly were. But then college started, they didn’t see each other as much, then Kai’s family decided to become assholes, and then they both started doing bad in school and finally, they reached the breaking point.
He stopped his flow of thoughts, not wanting to kill the mood for some crap that ended two years ago. He knew he needed to move on, or at least try. But whenever he decided to try and text some friend of Jay, maybe to talk with someone during a party, or even hookup with any men that he found, he felt sick. Like he was betraying the promise he made. And then it hit him: he’ll truly never stop loving Kai. He’ll never be able to stop thinking about him. And as soon as he realized that, he stopped trying and just accepted the fact that his love for the man won’t ever cease to exist, no matter what he did.
Sick of his thoughts, he finished the soft drink in the plastic cup, and then headed outside.
Some fresh air wouldn’t hurt him, right?
Hell, was he wrong. Because outside, resting on the wall, was Kai.
He was smoking, looking at the road.
At that moment, the black-haired knew he had to go back inside. He knew that being close to him wouldn’t have done any good. But then again, Kai looked like an angel and who was Cole to repress the attraction he felt towards him?
So he took the first step, and then the second, and then he was in front of Kai, staring at his face.
As their eyes met, their breath stopped - because looking at each other was more than enough to survive.
“Never thought you were the type to go to parties” he said, moving his eyes back to the road.
“Jay’s fault” his eyes flickered a bit more on the other man's face, admiring his relaxed expression.
Silence settled between the two and for an imprecise amount of time, both of them sat on the cold floor, waiting for the other to speak.
“Are you,, happy?” Cole was the one to break the tension, as he watched the other finishing his cigarette, before lighting another one.
“Mmm, I wouldn’t say that. But I found my peace.”
“Got it” and the cold silence won once again. Neither one of them spoke, maybe because there was nothing to say, or maybe because there were too many things to talk about. Too many apologies that should’ve been made a long time ago, too many things to catch up to and too many thoughts in their heads.
Kai reached for his almost empty packet of cigarettes, handing it to Cole.
“You want one?”
Hell, he wanted to say yes. He wanted to just taste the smoke, he wanted to relive the feeling of inhaling and exhaling, just one time. Just one time, and then he’d stop.
“I quit some time ago. Sorry”
“‘Right” and then the conversation was over, and Kai started smoking a new cigarette and Cole really wondered that maybe if he said yes, he would be sharing some other words with the man.
“When did you buy this pack? It’s almost empty.” the question lingered, and he could see the regret and the embarrassment in Kai’s eyes.
“This morning” and for the first time, the brown-haired man turned to see Cole’s expression. His ex-lover knew he smoked, but it never got this bad.
It was just that the feeling of inhaling and exhaling could’ve led to his death; and it didn’t seem so bad.
“Just so you know,” he started, staring at Cole's face. “I haven’t forgotten your promise. When I get better, I’ll come back. I hope you didn’t change your mind.”
“Absolutely not. But, I thought you said you were doing better already?”
“I said I found my peace. That doesn’t mean it’s something good.”
Cole scooted closer, wanting to feel the warmth of the other for the last time.
“Call me, text me or come to my dorm. I’ll be there. Whenever you want. ‘Right?”
“‘Right.” and then the black-haired man stood up, and walked back inside. He didn’t know how much time had passed with Kai, but now the lights inside were more dim, the people dancing were less, and the music was calmer.
As he was looking for Jay and Nya, a familiar voice called his name, sounding like an angel. The man instantly recognized him, and turning around, he saw Kai.
“Cole!” He was still holding a lit cigarette in his right hand.
“Kai”
Suddenly, it was like the world got smaller, and they were the only two people living. All the drunk girls dancing around them disappeared in a confused blur, and for a brief moment, they both hoped that it would never end.
“I’ve missed you.” Kai said, lightly, like he didn’t want to be heard. Even though his eyes were focused on the floor beneath him, Cole could easily understand that he wasn’t lying.
“And,, and I’m sorry for how our relationship ended. I think you deserve more apologies than this one, but,, It’s no use. I can’t remember shit. And I know we’ve been in love, I know we had a relationship,, but everytime i wake up, I try to remember more details and not just the acknowledgement that we’ve been together. But I fear that the drugs I’ve taken burnt everything. I’m sorry.” taking long breaths, he added a few words: “The promise you made is useless: I’ll never get better. I was just born to struggle till my immenent suicide.”
And, for what he thought would be the last time, Kai looked at him, with teary eyes.
As Cole turned to his back, he said what he considered to be the best word: “You’ll get better, don’t worry. I know you the best, and i fully believe that you weren’t made just to kill yourself. Just look for me, and you’ll find me.” and when he thought Kai wasn’t able to see his expression, he let himself go. Cole would’ve never remotely thought that his ex-lover would’ve been capable of doing drugs. Yes, he smoked and he drank, but drugs were a completely different thing.
. And what the hell did Kai mean by saying he didn’t remember anything of their relationship? He didn’t remember the day they got together? He didn’t remember the first “i love you”? How could he go on, waking up everyday knowing that he experienced something so important - but still, didn’t remember anything?
As he started walking faster, his vision began to get blurry. He needed to find Jay and Nya, and he needed a cigarette and he needed a drink. He needed to stop thinking.
Suddenly, the bright lights in the ceiling stopped working, and the place became an imprecise amount of dark space.
Cole fell to his knees as people rushed around him. Why were they running? What the hell was happening? Did some kind of fire or flood start? But he didn’t have much time to think, as his eyes closed shut against his will, and, for how much he tried, he couldn’t open them. He tried, god did he try, but they wouldn’t open. Was he destined to look at nothingness for the rest of his life? Or was this his fate after death? Quickly, the man fell into a state of unconsciousness.
When his eyes finally decided to open, he was met by the light of the sun blinding him for a few moments. Getting up, no one was near him. All the people from last night, the bartender, the dj, the security men, were gone.
The streets outside were empty. There wasn’t the usual honking of the cars that filled the silence, or the typical arguments between drivers.
“You gotta be kidding me.” someone said, almost like a whisper. Like he didn’t want to be heard. And Cole knew too well someone who talked exactly like that. The black haired man turned around and he was met, nonetheless, by Kai.