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If there was one thing on Suruga’s mind, and there really was only one thing she was thinking about, it was love. But it wasn’t a bubbly kind of love. Not at all the sort of thing that the protagonist of a shoujo manga would get tittery about.
No, it was a much more miserable kind of love. Unrequited love. Love that could never, no matter what changed, be requited. Love from an eternal loser.
It was something she thought about often. She’d had time to think of all the different ways to express that feeling. It felt a little unnecessary, though, since she had no plans to ever express that love to anyone that didn’t already know. What use was it to keep wallowing? Introspection could only take you so far, after all.
It was best to take her mind off the issue entirely.
And thankfully, due to just how often Suruga found her mind wandering to this point, it became easy to figure something out. While she was still only a minor, with the wonders of the early internet and her grandparents’ credit card, she had bought herself ropes and other fetish gear.
In a perfect world, she would have someone to share it with. But in a perfect world, her life would be very different. In a perfect world, she wouldn’t be in that situation at all.
But, due to having to do this all on her own, it had meant that Suruga needed to learn every aspect of bondage on her own. Buried in her piles of books, between BL and books more innocent, were guides to tying ropes. Suruga had read a lot on the subject and she had practiced just as much. As soon as she began picking up the length, it was like she was on autopilot.
That was one of the nice things about it. Easy to take her mind off things when she got into a task.
Maybe if she was a smarter person, the task could be something productive or useful to her life. Instead, she tied herself up.
After inspecting the rope from end to end, and making sure that there were knots unforeseen— after all, as messy as her room was, it was easy for things to get messed up— Suruga grabbed both ends of the rope and began to pull it back, creating a double cord. Only once that was done did she start wrapping it around her body.
Her experience with athletics definitely helped there. It was a gymnastic feat to get the role everywhere it needed to be in order to get the pattern right.
Gymnastics didn’t require running. Maybe she should have taken that up instead.
She had time to kill and a lot of thoughts on the mind. Thus, to start, she went for a full tortoiseshell pattern. It probably wouldn’t be so hard if she was tying someone else up, but on her own, it was a fairly intensive process. She had to double check every step of the process.
She still considered herself an amateur, after all. And all the materials she had written on the subject had taken care to impart how serious bondage was. Any number of small mistakes could lead to large issues. Suruga was always sure to have scissors on hand. Once or twice, even if the situation hadn’t actually been that bad, she had used them.
So she was careful. And being careful was a good way to focus. No room for other thoughts when you’re busy tying knots. No room for other thoughts when you’re busy trying to not accidentally cut off your blood circulation.
But she was able to finish the tortoiseshell, which left her unsure of what to do next. She knew that some people could tie up their arms, but her, an amateur not even yet in high school, that felt like hubris. Or if that was going too far, it felt dangerous.
She decided to tie up her legs, instead. Legs had been how she started, anyway. It was a lot easier to tie them than any other part of her body.
Suruga grabbed another length of rope and started trying to weave it around her legs. But after only a few moments, she trailed off. Her heart still wasn’t in it.
There was only so much she could do with ropes when she was alone, after all. It wasn’t fun to be reminded of that fact when she was trying to take her mind off of being alone.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone that could tie her up, instead?
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a girlfriend?
Wasn’t it just miserable that she didn’t?
With a sigh, Suruga started untying herself. The mood was gone. She could try again some other night. For now, she just wanted to cry.