Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sometimes the weed smelled like skunk spray, sometimes it smelled like cat piss. He couldn’t afford to be picky; anything to stop the swirling thoughts the constant script. Even the affirmation had grown tiresome. Finn’s arm is mint. Finn’s arm is mint. Finn’s arm is mint. Yeah, well, his brain was tired.
He rolled the joint back and forth, watched a few milligrams of flower fall out and lit the end. His first hit also hit hardest but nothing ever hit as hard as-

“Finney! Is Gwen home yet?” Ernesto was standing on the back porch, one bag in his hand, two more slung over his shoulder. He’d coming over since the Duran Duran concert tickets had been bought and though Mr. Blake thought it was for a school project, Finn had seen them laying on her bed. He hadn’t looked anywhere near them after that, only enough to notice the zipped up school bags by the door.

He shook his head. “She has tutoring today. I’m going to get her at 4:15; do you want to come with me?” He offered, inhaling his hit.

Ernesto’s face broke into a grin. “Yes. I do. Thanks for asking; can I put this stuff down and call my mom to tell her? We can drive my car.” He suggested, stepping closer to Finn.

He blew the smoke well away from Ernesto. “Yeah. And if you’re hungry I think my dad went to the store this morning.” He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He’d open them and there would be only open sky.

Instead it was Ernesto, grinning down at him through his glasses. “Hey you. My mom said she’d bring by tamales for dinner for us if you want. And she said to make sure we get Gwen and call her if the plan changes.” He informed quickly.

Finn nodded. “Sounds good. No snacks then.”

Ernesto stepped back and nodded. “Exactly. That’ll help though.” He nodded at the joint.

Finn smiled at the burning cherry at the end. “Yes, it usually does. Want some?”

Ernesto declined, shaking his head now. “No way. My mom’ll kill me if she ever smells it on my breath- her brother got a joint that was laced with shit, he almost died.” He crossed himself and Finn had a strange shiver. How odd the minute differences that could be created in siblings. Not for the first time, he thought of Robin. What he would look like, what he would be like. Without thinking more, maybe thinking only of Robin in fact, he got to his feet and kissed Ernesto on the mouth. His hand held his face, his feet bumped the top of Ernesto’s and when he breathed out, the smoke Finn’d had in his own mouth went right in his mouth.

“Oh fuck.” He jerked back, dropping the joint off the porch. “Sorry. Sorry. I don’t know why I did that.” He sputtered, unable to make eye contact. Why had he done that? He knew why. He had been just a kid when he had been taken, when Robin had died. But Robin had just been a kid too, and that had meant that anything Finn did in life, it would be without him.

Ernesto ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t mind it too much, if you liked it.”

Finn laughed and surged forward again, kissing Ernesto again but the whole time, thinking of Robin.
***
It kept up. He tagged along with Gwen and Ernesto on their dates, got them extra popcorn and threw the trash away. All in the guise of keeping an eye on Gwen of course but when she was gone he and Ernesto cast longing glances, promises of the car ride home when Gwen would lay in the back seat and Finn would sit in the front and hold Ernesto’s hand and play him Pink Floyd, kissing the soft skin under his ear and making him whisper those sweet Spanish swear words he hadn’t learned to translate yet. Whenever she returned it was all so proper and Finn did keep an eye on her. If ever she exhibited real interest in Ernesto he would back off and stay home. But she seemed happy to have a friend and missed any and all romantic cues Ernesto had dropped, but Finn didn’t. He met his tender touches with fervor and desperation- Finn never let anyone touch him, except for Gwen, and the way he let Ernesto touch him was so different. It felt good to be kissed, to let Ernesto’s soft hands roam the scars on Finn’s knuckles and brush tender kisses there too.
***
“When did you know you were queer?” Ernesto asked.
Finn sat up. They were laying flat on the floor in his bedroom, Gwen at tutoring and his father at a meeting, Ernesto nestled into the crook of Finn's arm until just now. “I’m not queer. I'm just- I just like you.” He stammered,

Ernesto nodded. “Oh. Okay. Do you want to lay back down?”

Finn did. He laid back on the floor, patted his chest for Ernesto to take up his place again. Ernesto listened to his heart; it raced in his chest. “Sorry.”

“Don't be. I didn't know you didn't say that. It's not a big deal at my house; my mom already lost too much she said, to lose any chance at my happiness.” Ernesto explained, rubbing his thumb over Finn’s chest.

“I don't know what it would be here. Gwen has prophetic dreams- is that better or worse?” He wasn't joking but it sounded so silly they both broke into giggles and then Ernesto glanced down to Finn and it didn't matter what would happen- all that did happen was more Finn and Ernesto- and Finn trying like hell to see the face of Ernesto every time, to not let his mind wander. He wanted Ernesto, Ernesto was the one who had shown him interest. The one who breathed air.

Finn rolled them over and kissed Ernesto, a hand braced on the floor between Ernesto’s and a knee between his legs. It was a bold position but he didn't have anything to lose now. Ernesto already thought he was queer.

He glanced up to see Ernesto nodded fervently. “Go ahead Finn.”

But there was the truck in the gravel, his father was home. By the time he got inside and opened a sparkling water, Ernesto and Finn were sitting serenely at the dining table, eating peanut butter sandwiches.

***

Ernesto didn't know how long he was supposed to let it go on. He'd been in love with Finn forever - more the idea than anything- the savior of kids and the knight who had vanquished his brother’s killer. But he had realized shortly into their stolen kisses that he was not the one Finn wanted to be kissing. It didn’t really bother him; he liked the attention and he did care for Finn. Maybe in time, Finn could care for him too.

Chapter Text

“Do you want to go to the library with me?” Finn stood at the door of Ernesto’s house, his backpack over his shoulder. “If you don’t, we can hang here. I just- would rather not be at my house.”

Ernesto felt his eyebrows furrow. He grabbed his jacket off the hook and looked to the back of the house. “I’m going outside, Mami!” he called. He saw her poke her head up from her chair in the corner- he knew she preferred it when his plans were laid out hours in advance and kept him close. Fair. But she trusted him. He pulled the door closed behind him. “What’s up, Finn?” Finn reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded envelope. It was document sized and Ernesto felt his heart pound; it was red. “Did you get in?”

Finn nodded, lips pressed in a tight line. “Full ride. I didn’t even get to open it, he had already gone through it when I got home from work today. He said he’d ground me if he found out I applied.”

Ernesto closed his eyes and took a deep breath. If he had applied. As if Finn hadn’t scraped the 25 dollar application fee from his allotment of his paycheck. His father hadn’t had any part in the FAFSA or the essay submission. It had been the two of them, Gwen sometimes, even at work. Ernesto had personally typed it on his father’s typewriter and they had mailed it together. He knew that Finn had wanted a different response from his acceptance. Obviously.

“Do you want to tell my mom? She’ll be really proud of you.” Ernesto offered. I’ll be really proud of you.

“Would you? I want to tell someone. Someone that gets it. You know?” He looked down at the red envelope. “I wanted him to be excited. But he doesn’t want me to leave.”

Ernesto nodded. “Yeah. It makes sense but like- come on man.” He encouraged Finn.

“Yeah. Like, I’d still come home for holidays and like weekends and stuff. When the train has cheap tickets.” Finn looked at him and for a moment it sounded more like a promise to him than to Terrence.

“Yeah. That makes sense. It’s your life, man. And this really is a big deal, and you should be so proud. Honest.” Ernesto pressed, stepping closer. It was getting darker outside; 4:30 pm in Colorado? Damn near pitch black. He looked at Finn, whose shoulders were dropping as they stood in the snow. He stepped closer again and he could see the warm breath escaping Finn. He leaned forward and caught his lips in a kiss for just that second, long enough to catch it for himself. He stepped back, eyes peering over his glasses to look at Finn. His cheeks were flushed but that could’ve just been from the wind. His hands were in his pockets so he couldn’t see if they were shaking. But he hadn’t taken off after they broke apart; he never had, Ernesto just worried that one day he’d get sick of it- remember that Robin was older, tougher, smarter, better. But he hadn’t so far. “Wanna come inside? Have dinner?”

Finn nodded. “Yes. Yes- did your mom cook? Yes. Either way.” He said, taking Ernesto’s hand for a moment. “I want to.”

“Mami! Finn's here for dinner!” Ernesto announced, letting them into the house. It was warm and bright in the back of the house and he knew his mom was in fact cooking. “Come on.” He toed his shoes off and took Finn’s backpack and coat before walking down the hall to the kitchen. Ernesto could smell the guiso stewing on the stove and saw his mami pressing tortillas. “We can help.” He went to the sink and washed his hands, waited for Finn to do the same and went to the table to take over for her. She sat back in her chair and went to take up her book again. “Wait- Finn wanted to tell you something.”

Finn was already focused on the tortillas. He glanced up. “Oh- I got into Stanford. Today.”

His mother jumped to her feet. “Finn!¡Qué bárbaro!”

Ernesto smiled. “He got a whole little envelope- well it was a big envelope. You know what they say…”

His mother snorted. “Sí, la carta que me hablaba de tu padre era diminuta.”

Ernesto smiled at Finn. “She said the letter that told her about Dad was ‘teeny tiny’.” Dark humour had helped the three of them cope when they had lost his dad and the two of them, when they had lost Robin.

Finn nodded. “Yeah. No, yeah I remember something like that.” He didn’t want to mention the fact that the autopsy for his mom had been all wrong- no point. “Thank you, Mrs. Arellano.” He was still red.

“I’ll make you something sweet to celebrate.” She said, moving to the stove. She opened a myriad of cabinets and brought supplies over to the table. “Out, out! It’s a celebration now, go! Call your sister, see if she wants to come for dinner!” She hurried them out of the kitchen. “Wash your hands!”

Finn glanced at Ernesto and in a flash, without washing his hands, pushed Ernesto against the wall outside the kitchen and pinned him there, kissing him fervently. His eyes fluttered closed after a moment and he wrapped his arms around Finn’s shoulders. He hadn’t touched any flour after all. He let Finn kiss him, held safely in the glow of the kitchen light. When Finn pulled away there were tears in his eyes. He wiped his eyes quickly but Ernesto saw. “Do you want to call Gwen?” He offered.

Finn nodded. “Yeah. I’m gonna wash my hands and meet you in your room.”

He watched Finn walk to the bathroom and go in, closing the door behind himself. The water ran and he turned to dial Gwen at the library. She answered and affirmed that she would be there; she had helped them get the application from Stanford with her work fax machine. He hung up the phone and glanced down at the dial.

He’d heard the stories from Finn since last month. The phone had called him at the camp, he believed him. And what if it didn’t connect to the same phone as the one at camp? Couldn’t hurt to try.

He picked the phone up out of the cradle and traced the numbers that made up Robin’s name. 76246. It wasn’t even a real number. But he heard a dial tone for a second and he breathed, he hoped. “Robin?”

“Finn? What are you doing?” The voice crackled and faded in the middle of the words but Ernesto could hear his brother for the first time in four years.

“It’s me. It’s Ernesto.” He said quickly. “I wanted to tell you something- I didn’t think it would work. Are you really there?”

“You want me to be here, right? So I’m here. What’s good?” He could practically see Robin now, see his bandana tied around his head, his Dark Side of the Moon shirt faded to non existence.

“Finn got into Stanford. He got in today with a full ride. His voice was trembling; should he get his mom? She’d want to talk to him- wouldn’t she?

He heard a faint whistle. “No shit? That’s incredible. I always knew he would do big stuff. Even better. Tell him good job for me, will you?”

“Mami’s making a cake or something.” Ernesto said quickly, tears streaming down his face. “She was so happy, Robin.”

“I know she was. Give her… from me?” The phone was crackling now, getting hot in his hand.

“I will.” Ernesto promised, holding the phone with his other hand now. “I promise.”
“I’ll see … but not too soon yeah?”

“Yeah. I love you, Robin.” Ernesto whispered into the mouthpiece.

“I know you do.” The phone disconnected and cracked a final time in his ear. Ernesto hung it up and wiped his face. He turned around and saw the bathroom door open. Finn stepped out and met his eye.

“Everything good?”

“More than good. Go ahead.” He encouraged, wiping his eyes and walking over to his room, right on Finn’s tail.

They laid on his bed and listened to his radio until Ernesto relaxed. Finn could tell something was off but he didn’t push; just stroked Ernesto’s hair and pushed his fingers delicately into his back. “I talked to Robin.” He said finally.

Finn blinked at him. “Our Robin? Your Robin?” He raised his eyebrows but didn’t move beyond that.

“I- I called him on the landline. Just thought about him and- he picked up. Do you think he missed me?’ Ernesto asked.

“I know he did.” Finn pulled him down and kissed his head.

“I told him about your school. That’s why I called him; I knew he’d want to know.” He was crying again now. “Sorry you didn’t get to tell him yourself.”

“Its all right. I kind of did. On the way over here. I just- thought about him. Told him it would be cool if we’d gotten to go together. But I’ll do it for both of us.” Finn explained.

Ernesto nodded and laid back in the crook of Finn’s shoulder. They could smell the sweet baking in the kitchen and he felt Finn’s stomach grumble. Ernesto smiled, kissed his temple and snuggled closer. “Wanna sleep here tonight?”

Finn glanced at his backpack. “I have stuff. I was gonna camp out somewhere.”

“No you’re not. You’re staying here.” Ernesto insisted.

And Finn did.