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Remus sighed as he sat down by the desk in their dorm room. It was empty, and the moon was rising outside. The light shone in through the window. Remus’s bones cracked a little just from the sight.
He stood up so he could shut the curtains. Tomorrow, it would be full, and Remus would have to do the same routine over again. He rolled his shoulders before he sank back down in the chair.
Somewhere in the distance, he heard Sirius laugh. He had left Sirius, James and Peter in the common room a minute ago. He said he was tired, they didn’t question it.
He had stood on the stairs, though, just for a moment, breathing in the feeling of Sirius’s laughter that echoed in the common room. He could have stood there all day, but he was worried he would be found out. That Peter would see him and pip up with ‘weren’t you going to bed?’ or that James would raise an eyebrow and then ask if he was okay.
Or the worst outcome. Sirius would see him. Sirius would drag him back, he wouldn’t care. And Remus would stumble after because he was that addicted to anything Sirius would drag him into.
So that was why he had to get up. That was why he had to go up to the room.
Remus sighed as he picked up a notebook from the desk drawer. He wasn’t sure whose it was; it was his for right then, at least. He would tear the pages out after, maybe burn them, maybe keep them under his pillow as he cried about all the things he couldn’t handle.
Remus balanced far too much in his life to have time to cry.
Yet he did cry.
Too much.
Remus never used to cry, it wasn’t exactly his thing. He sighed as he flipped to find a blank page. Maybe the notebook was everyone’s because - as he was flipping - he saw a mix of handwritings. Peter had taken note of something from potions, but Remus wasn’t sure what because he couldn’t recall a recipe with the ingredients scribbled. James’s handwriting was on another page, broadcasting Quidditch strategies he would suggest to the Captain of the team. James was making Captain for their sixth year, Remus was sure of it.
The next page had Sirius’s handwriting. It didn’t say anything special, just letters written over and over again until they weren’t cursive. Remus placed his finger tips on the letters, tracing the shapes. He could imagine Sirius sitting, writing, over and over until he got rid of any trace he was once a Black.
Remus shook his head before he found a blank page. He dipped his quill and he put it to the paper.
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The waves of the shore scream of things that never come to be together,
Staring at them is hypnotising, I want to just feel better.
Aching pains shoot from my heart out to the tips of my fingers,
I sit down in the sand, hoping the pain doesn’t linger.
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Summer 1975 – “Moony!” Sirius yelled. He ran up the beach and hung his head over Remus where he was reading in the sand. Water dripped from the black strands of his hair. Remus watched, almost hypnotised, as they fell down on his book, creating small circles that he would usually be too annoyed about, but struggled to care when Sirius was shirtless in front of him. “Aren’t you going in the water? It’s truly lovely.”
“Lovely?” Remus chuckled, snapping out of it. He put his book down and shifted. Down in the sea were James and Peter, throwing water at each other that looked like it was colder than they made it out to be. “Since when do you describe anything as lovely?”
“Since always.” Sirius spun around before he fell down on the towel next to Remus. “You look lovely today, Remus.” He grinned, with white teeth, a perfect smile. Remus swallowed. “See?”
“I do.” Remus nodded, his heart speeding in ways he wished it wouldn’t. “But I’m good. I’m happy here. Besides, I doubt these people signed up to see a scarred freak on the beach.”
“You’re not a freak, Moons.” Sirius pouted. He reached his hand out and patted Remus’s arm before he stood up. “But suit yourself.”
Remus stared as Sirius sprinted back and dove right into the ocean.
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You say you’d fight the world for me, but when I am the battle, will you still pick up the sword?
If I begged for you to see me like I see you with a rush of feelings, am I just an annoying creaking floorboard?
Every word I utter, my vocal cords vibrate, creating jokes and laughs just for you,
They could be likened to whispers in a prayer sung, carrying echoes soft and true.
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Winter 1974 – “Psst, Moony.” Sirius whispered in the darkness. The floorboards creaked under his feet, and, a second later, he felt his cold feet wiggle their way under his duvet. Remus barely had time to react before Sirius was right there. “Remus, I know you’re awake. I can hear you breathing.”
“Last time I checked, you still breathe when you sleep.” Remus turned his head, he could feel Sirius next to him. He wanted nothing more than to wrap him up closer. He didn’t, though, he just stared at Sirius’s silhouette in the dark. “What do you want?”
“I can’t sleep. Nightmare.” Sirius exhaled that way he did when he was anxious. Remus knew it all, he studied him more than actual schoolwork. He didn’t want to say he had Sirius on a pedestal, but he did hold him higher than anyone else.
“And you came here? Not to your husband?” Remus’s heart squeezed like it always did at the joke. James and Sirius were close enough that they might as well be dating, half the school believed it. Hell, even Remus believed it sometimes.
“I know, weird, right?” Sirius chuckled. “I didn’t wanna wake him a third night in a row.”
“Three nights, huh?” Remus rolled a little closer. If he just reached out with his hand an inch, he could touch Sirius. He could nuzzle into him. He wanted nothing more. “And I thought third time was the charm.”
Sirius laughed, his joke wasn’t even good. He always laughed anyway. Remus never thought he was that funny, but Sirius made him feel funny. Sirius always laughed.
“Do you wanna sleep here?” Remus asked, knowing the answer would be yes.
“Well, if you’re offering. I run hot in my sleep though.”
“I know.” Remus chuckled softly, rolling onto his side. He felt Sirius do the same, his back against Remus’s. Remus pressed closer, just for a moment, and then he shifted back.
“Hey, Remus, if you ever have a nightmare, you can always come to me. I would fight it all off.” Sirius mumbled, his voice heavy and sleepy. “I’d fight anything for you.”
“I know.” Remus bit his lip, wishing it were that easy. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.” Sirius yawned. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Sirius was asleep before Remus even closed his eyes.
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I sit again, ink stains on my hands as I grasp for words to fill you out on a blank page.
The ink drips in a round spot as I seem to never get out these feelings that my mind plagues.
Several poems written about everything from your inner beauty to the depth of your eyes,
Yet I try to give more words life, so I could maybe finally get you out of my mind.
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The door swung open. Remus jumped in the chair. He dropped the quill in the process, the tip falling on top of the spot that had already been growing from his thinking. In the right corner, he had held the quill and just thought about Sirius.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya.” Peter spoke from behind Remus. Remus shielded what he was writing, but he already knew Peter didn’t care. “I was just cold and getting a jumper. Sirius blew out the fire to tell ghost stories.”
“Are you even scared of those?” Remus raised an eyebrow. He saw ghosts every single day, he doubted wizards were scared of them.
“Not really, but when he moves on to ghouls and vampires, then yes.” Peter chuckled. He then stopped, his jumper slung over his shoulder. “Weren’t you going to bed?”
“I was, but I just wanted to finish my Charms homework before.” Remus lied. It was easy to lie to Peter, he never questioned anything. He only grimaced like what Remus had said was something foul.
“When’s that due? And please don’t say Monday.”
“Friday.” Peter visibly relaxed.
“Then, that’s ages away. You work too hard, Moony.” Peter waved his hand dismissively before he left the room.
Remus groaned, leaning back in the chair again. He cracked his knuckles as he stared at the page. At the words. He reread them.
He could write essays about Sirius. About their memories, about Sirius’s face, about how Remus felt. He practically had. If Remus put together every poem he had ever written, he would have at least ten essays.
Remus dipped the quill again. He let it drip off in the circle in the corner that was soaked of ink at that point. It had probably bled through ages ago.
He then continued writing.
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A lonely swan sets flight high in the sky from the lack of their partner for life.
The swan will fall, embracing death with open wings with the loss of its wife.
It’s a morbid truth, but even animals have partners they show true love for,
Would you accept my heart and keep it safe even if it wasn’t in the way you swore?
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Autumn 1975 – “Is it true that swans mate for life?” James asked, tossing pebbles into the Black Lake. There weren’t any swans there; in fact, Remus had never seen a single water bird. Maybe the giant squid ate them.
“Yeah, it is.” Remus responded simply, leaning back against the tree. He sought the shade. It was warm for September, and Remus wasn’t happy soaking in the sun. “A lot of birds do. Swans, eagles, vultures, penguins. Not all species of them, but…” Remus trailed off because he glanced at Sirius who was staring at him. “What?”
“You’re just so smart.” Sirius sat down next to Remus. Remus’s fingers twitched with want. He wanted to grab Sirius’s hand. He knew Sirius wouldn’t care, but he still didn’t dare. “Like, how do you even know that?”
“I’ve read it.” Remus stared deep into Sirius’s eyes, drinking in the sight of them.
“Barn owls also mate for life.” Peter piped up. He threw a rock in sync with James, they cheered together when they skipped at the same time. Peter then turned to look at Remus and Sirius. “We had two of them and they were inseparable. When one of them later died, the other one would constantly call for them. It was depressing. Eventually, he died too.”
The silence stretched on for a moment. Remus thought about it. What would he do if Sirius died? Who would he be? Would he just be a bird that continued to call for Sirius, but never got an answer? Would he accept it? Would he die with him?
Peter shifted on his feet.
“I ruined the mood, huh?” Peter chuckled awkwardly.
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The wind blows, a soft breeze where goosebumps spread over my bare arms,
Your promises comfort me the same, I feel your safety turn off my alarms.
The same way a picky eater is careful with the food that they put in their mouth,
I select with careful touch whoever I want to trust and let into my life.
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Spring 1972 – “So, Remus, is it true that you failed your flying exam?” Sirius asked. It was the first thing he said when stepping into the dorm. The twelve-year-old boy was far too nosy for Remus’s liking, but after they all figured out he was a werewolf, he had kind of let him get away with it. He trusted that Sirius had his best interest at heart, or he would have told the whole school already.
“Maybe.” Remus mumbled, burying himself deeper in his book.
“What?! How?!” Sirius jumped up on Remus’s bed. Remus kicked at him to get him off, but Sirius only shifted closer.
“I don’t know, I’m just not a good flyer.” Remus shrugged, trying to focus on the words in the book rather than Sirius’s desperate need for attention. He wasn’t analysing Sirius’s behaviours, but…okay, he was.
“I can teach you!” Sirius’s eyes peered at him from over the book. “I promise I’ll be nice and help you for real.”
“And I’m just supposed to trust that?” Remus chuckled. Sirius being nice, that he could believe, but Sirius helping him, it was harder to see that.
“Look, when I promise you something, I will stick to it. I would never break a promise.” Sirius held his hand up like a Boy Scout swearing an oath. Remus doubted Sirius would know what that meant if he said it out loud. “Don’t you trust me?”
Remus didn’t trust a lot of people. It kind of was a packaged deal when his biggest secret could make any normal person hate him.
But Sirius wasn’t normal, he had never been normal.
“I do. Strangely.” Remus chuckled faintly. Sirius grabbed his book from him.
“Great, then let’s go!”
“Now?” Remus got pulled up from the bed. He stumbled over his own feet, but Sirius didn’t stop.
“Yes, now. The weather is perfect for flying.”
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Like a dog missing their owner, I stare and wait for you to be free,
I wag my tail and smile because I know it’s the time it gets to be you and me.
And I don’t mean that romantically, I know exactly where you stand,
Sometimes I wish I were James. I wish I could be that man.
Envy over a friend was never something I thought I’d experience to this extent,
Yet every time you joke about James, I overthink it and wish it was me that you meant.
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Autumn 1975 – “Truth or dare, Remus?” Sirius grinned at him. He was slightly tipsy, his fair skin flaring a beautiful red. Remus simply shook his head.
“I told you, I’m not participating.” Remus took another swig of the glass in his hand. He didn’t know which one he was on at that point. Maybe his sixth?
“He’s just here for the show.” Peter giggled. He was far past tipsy. Remus waited for him to lean back and pass out cold like he always did. “Ask me, Pads.”
“Fine, Peter, truth or dare?” Sirius leaned back on his hands. Back and then his head fell on James’s shoulder. Remus stared at it as if it could burn a hole through James’s shoulder and Sirius’s head would fall down to the floor.
“Truth.” Peter said and Sirius rolled his eyes. His head followed the motion and Remus lost some of the tension in his neck.
“You always pick truth, innit?” Sirius tapped his fingers against his own leg while thinking. “Okay, if you had to, which bird would you fuck in our year?”
Peter huffed, crossing his arms. Sirius only grinned at his reaction, elbowing James who shook his head at Sirius’s antics.
“We all know who it is, no need to torture him.” James said before he poured himself another glass. “You don’t have to answer, Pete.”
“It’s fine. Trelawney.” Peter mumbled. “Happy?”
“Pleased, yes.” Sirius chuckled, leaning back onto James again.
“Now, I dare you–” Peter began.
“I thought the game was truth or dare?” Sirius bit his lip, that stupidly playful, teasing way that made Remus’s entire chest jump. He almost wanted to grab his heart and force it in place because it felt like he lost it the second Sirius bit his lip.
“And like I always pick truth, you always pick dare.” Peter pointed out, which was true. Remus hadn’t ever heard Sirius pick truth. “Now, I dare you to kiss James. You seem so cosy anyway.”
“Fine.” Sirius huffed, turning his head. James pulled back.
“What? No.” James placed a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “That’s crazy.”
“Oh, come on.” Sirius rolled his eyes yet again. “It’s just a kiss, we’re straight anyway. No one will doubt us just because we kiss now. Best friends, forever.”
Best friends. Sirius and James were so close, Remus could only dream of being the same. He knew he would never be what Sirius and James were. He hated it, but he didn’t want what Sirius and James had either. It was a weird tightrope walk.
“Fine, but if this gets out anywhere, you’re all dead to me.” James pointed a finger at all of them.
Remus looked away before Sirius and James’s lips met.
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I want to be held in your arms, feel the warmth of your body fill the cold void I live in.
I want to call you mine and bury myself in your presence just to catch your breath on my skin.
I want to drink in the sight of you, live in an echo chamber of your voice and laughter.
I want to be close to you, never letting go, and whisper promises of ever after.
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Autumn 1975 – Remus stared at Sirius’s back. Remus swore he was listening to McGonagall a moment ago, but he couldn’t seem to recall when that moment actually was. Was it five minutes? Fifteen minutes? Was he going insane, and it was just a few seconds?
Sirius was writing something, and Remus doubted it was the actual material. His hair fell onto his desk, pooling like a hole. Maybe Remus could dive into that hole, maybe he could move in there. Stay with Sirius as a gnome living in his hair. It would ruin how perfect his hair was if Remus lived in it, that was the only reason he hadn’t done it yet.
Sirius looked up suddenly, and then he turned around. Remus almost jumped when their eyes met, praying Sirius wouldn’t realise he was staring at him.
“Moons.” Sirius reached out, passing a note back to him. He didn’t say anything else, he barely whispered. Remus thought he might have gotten away with staring.
Remus grabbed the note from Sirius’s hand, his entire body tingling when their palms brushed against each other.
Sirius was skilled at passing notes, that much Remus had already gathered after their years at Hogwarts, but it was almost too easy. McGonagall turned to the class when both of them were back in their prior positions, almost like nothing had happened. McGonagall was none the wiser, and Remus held Sirius’s note in his hand.
He unfolded it slowly, reading the writing. That writing that clearly used to be cursive and beautiful, but had been traded for something half-arsed.
‘Do you want a picture? It will last you longer’
Remus felt his face heat up. So, he had been caught. He swallowed as he scribbled down a ‘no’ on the back of the note. He waited until McGonagall turned around again to write on the board before he sailed the note over Sirius’s back and onto his desk with the help of his wand.
Sirius lifted his head and read it. He snickered before he turned around. He flashed Remus a smile, a smile that could melt the North Pole.
“I don’t believe you.” Sirius mouthed. Remus felt his face heat even more, but before he had the chance to mouth something back, Professor McGonagall slapped her hand against Sirius’s desk.
“Attention, Black. You can chat in ten minutes when class is over.”
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The words I’m writing are a dreamy love story at best, that’s not what this is.
I’ve never wished someone could pick their sexuality as much as this.
Those thoughts pool like water that I could never escape from,
I’ll drown with feelings and thoughts that can’t be out-swum.
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The door clicked softly behind Remus again. He jumped the same he had before, hiding what he was writing. James stood in the doorway, an O for his mouth.
“Sorry.” James whispered. “I thought you would be asleep. I tried to be quiet.”
“You’re fine.” Remus mumbled, putting the quill in the ink. He apparently couldn’t be left alone. Not for one moment. Maybe it had been longer than a moment. He didn’t know anymore. “I’m going soon.”
James raised an eyebrow.
“Are you okay?” He asked before diving under Sirius’s bed. Alcohol, that was probably what he was looking for. It was Saturday evening, alcohol would make sense.
“Yeah, I’m good. Working on my Charms homework.” Still easy. James chuckled, bottle of Firewhiskey in his hand.
“I wish I were surprised.” James swirled the bottle for a moment, the contents rolling against the glass. “Well, we’ll probably be up later tonight. I’ll try to keep Sirius’s volume levels down so you can sleep.”
James turned for the door.
“Uhm, James.” Remus spoke, he wasn’t even sure why, but watching James turned around made him think of something he wanted to ask. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to ask it, it wasn’t like he didn’t already know the answer.
James stopped all the same though, smiling gently as he leaned against the doorframe.
“Yes, mate?”
“Do you think Sirius could be bisexual?” Remus asked, his throat suddenly feeling thicker than before. That was a stupid question. James’s face fell a little with the question. Like he had thought about it before, or maybe that was Remus’s imagination.
“I don’t think so. He’s pretty into women. You know how disgusted he is about dick anyway.” James shrugged. “Why?”
“It’s just this vibe I had.” Remus shook his head. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. “Never mind that, I think it’s the full moon that’s getting to my head.”
“No worries.” James had that same look on his face. That pity. He probably knew, Remus didn’t think low enough of James to think he couldn’t figure it out. “Goodnight, Moony, I hope you can get some rest.”
“Goodnight.” Remus smiled back. “Have fun.”
“Cheers.” James made a mock toast with the bottle before he left the room.
Remus sighed heavily, slapping his hands against his forehead. What was wrong with him? He knew everything there was to know about Sirius anyway, and men-enjoyer was not one of those things.
He could joke about it. It would get to Remus’s head. He knew Sirius was straight, but then he would make a joke about a man, and Remus would spiral with questions of ‘what if…’. But they weren’t real.
Because Sirius wasn’t into men, and he never would be.
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You’re slowly reshaping what beautiful means to me,
And suddenly I’m back at the shore, crying by the sea.
Hyperventilating, small, I curse myself out for being stupid,
Because you wouldn’t love a man even if you were struck by Cupid.
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Summer 1975 – “Pads, you’ll fall.” James warned. Remus could see it too from how Sirius was skipping between the posts of the pier. They had spent an awful lot of time at the beach that summer. Maybe it was because Sirius could always go to the beach. Remus tried not to think about what his summer was like when they weren’t all together.
“I’ll be fine.” Sirius chuckled, taking another leap. He landed perfectly, his black boots thudding against the wooden post. The stars reflected in the water that splashed the post Sirius was standing on. The water was darker than James’s eyes, a deep blue that almost called for them to jump in. “See?”
Sirius stuck out his tongue at James. Remus looked back at him, taking in the way the wind made his hair flow. Sirius pulled a hand through it, fixing it to some state that made it look perfectly messy.
Sirius took another skip, landing just the same on the next post. Skip. Boots. Thud.
The moon reflected against his fair skin, making him glow. He looked holy, Remus thought he was holy.
The centre of his universe, that was Sirius Black.
“Besides, if I fall, Remus will catch me.” He skipped again. Boots. Thud. “Right, Moons?”
“We’re not allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts.” Remus shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He felt his wand there. He stroked the wood as he weighed the option of pulling it out when Sirius inevitably fell.
“Mum should be here soon to pick us up.” James mumbled, rubbing his arms. He was just in a t-shirt. “I’ll wait with Peter. You should come back soon too.”
“We will.” Sirius waved him off, leaving Remus and Sirius alone. Remus watched James get back to the shore where Peter stood, drowning in James’s jumper that he had lent. Peter was always colder, but James seemed to freeze a little then too. Remus would have offered his jumper, but James was gone before he had the chance. “You know, Macdonald sent me a letter the other day, asking if we should meet up.”
“Oh?” Remus’s jaw tensed. He wasn’t sure why Sirius decided to bring that up then, but if he was being honest, he didn’t know why Sirius did anything.
“Yeah, and since I’ve been crushing on her since like forever, I thought, why not?” Sirius shrugged. Remus’s gaze fell. Sirius skipped. Boots. Thud. “I don’t wanna be a lost cause like James, though.”
“Well, if you like her…” Remus swallowed. He didn’t want to give Sirius relationship advice, but they were friends, and Sirius didn’t know the pain Remus went through every time he opened his mouth about Mary. Only Remus knew that. He tried to lose some of his tension. “Then, go for it. Even if it doesn’t work out, moving on is hard with all the what ifs.”
Remus knew that was true, yet he never followed his own advice when it came to Sirius. Because he already knew what Sirius would say.
“Yeah, that’s smart.” Sirius skipped. Boots. Thud. “Thanks, Moons.”
“Anytime.” Remus nodded. He would always look out for Sirius, even if it tore his heart in half to know that Sirius was way more interested in a girl than him.
A bang echoed as Mrs Potter apparated onto the beach.
Sirius jumped down from the posts. He stood shorter than Remus when they were next to each other, yet Remus somehow always felt smaller next to Sirius.
“Time for you to go.” Sirius grabbed Remus’s wrist, dragging him back towards the beach. “And I have to go back home at some point, right?”
The laugh that fell from Sirius’s lips was a bitter one.
“At least you’ll have Macdonald to drag you away soon enough.” Remus would continue to break himself apart just to stay Sirius’s friend. Remus kind of lost sight of why he did what he did somewhere in the middle when the pain was overwhelming, but it was worth it. At least in the end.
“Yeah, I will.” Sirius grinned. A grin that reflected none of that prior misery. “See ya later, Remus.”
“See you.”
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Gutless, I lean back in the chair where I’ve tortured myself like it’s electrical.
Staring at the blank page with nothing written because my words are sceptical.
They come out empty-handed, I crumble the page and toss it with my concerns.
They remain unsolved, I choke before I feel every inch of my skin start to burn.
Maybe I was never drowning from the shaking emotions; I inhale smoke so deadly.
It’s whatever because knowing you don’t feel the same should have killed me off already.
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Remus let the quill linger on the final full-stop, letting it bleed into a bigger spot. He stared at what he had written, and then he tore it all out. He folded the torn pages before he stared at the empty notebook. No one would ever know he had ever written something in it.
He closed the book, putting it back in the drawer where he found it. He shifted back to his bed. He sank down into the mattress, playing with the corner of the paper in his hands.
The door swung up again for the third time that evening. Sirius laughed as he stepped inside. He didn’t seem to care that Remus had supposedly gone to bed, or maybe James and Peter had told him Remus wasn’t asleep.
“Moons! You’re up!” Sirius jumped down into the bed next to him. “Can I have a fag?”
Remus chuckled faintly, weakly. The irony of that sentence didn’t go over Remus’s head. He reached for his pack on the nightstand, handing Sirius a cigarette. Remus then lit it with the tip of his wand.
“Thank you.” Sirius climbed the desk, pulling the curtains open. Remus sat and watched him as he smoked out the window, the moonlight doing that thing it always did, where it made Sirius look holy. “Full tomorrow, huh? Nervous?”
“It’s the same as every month.” Remus played with the wand in his hand, the papers in the other. He put the tip to the papers, thinking of the poem, thinking of Sirius. It wasn’t the first poem he had written; it wouldn’t be the last one he burned. “I’ll be fine with you there.”
The paper caught on fire. Remus walked up next to Sirius before he dropped the burning paper out the window. The wind caught it and it blew away somewhere. The fire disappeared with the note. If someone found it, no one would know Remus wrote it. He doubted even his friends would recognise the handwriting as his.
“What was that?” Sirius asked, looking up at Remus. Remus stared back, drinking in the sight of his eyelashes. Long, curled, black, perfect.
“Just something I don’t need.” Remus mumbled, sitting on the desk next to Sirius. He didn’t say anything else, but he had thousands of things he wanted to say. No time ever seemed good enough to tell them though.
He always debated it, thought about it over and over. Should he say it then? Should he have told him a month ago? Should he tell him in the future? How much longer was he supposed to sit and dream of a reality he knew wasn’t possible?
Because Remus wasn’t stupid, he knew exactly what would happen if he told Sirius anything. And maybe, the scariest part of it all was that he could lose Sirius. Rejection was hard, but losing his best friend was harder.
It would always be harder.
“I want to tell you something.” Remus mumbled, shifting closer. Maybe he should shift away. Maybe he should curl up into a ball because suddenly his heart hammered like it would jump out of his chest. He was going to do it, he could feel it. He screamed at himself to stop, but he got adrenaline for one reason, and that was because he would tell him. “But I don’t want to ruin anything between us. I just want everything to stay the same.”
Sirius put the cigarette out. He dropped it out the window where Remus’s poem had disappeared a moment ago.
“Okay, I promise it will, Remus. Nothing could change us.” Sirius reached for his hand, Remus let him grab it.
“I’m just scared.” Remus swallowed. Fuck. Everything was spinning. This was a terrible idea. He could still back out, but…then he would never be done. Because Remus knew he was stuck in a loop.
And the only way to break a loop was by breaking the routine.
“When have I ever broken a promise to you?”
“Never.” Remus took a deep breath. He tried to get his heart to stop beating. He wondered if Sirius could feel it from where he held his hand. He wondered if he could hear it the same way Remus did in his ears. “I have feelings for you, but I already know what you’re going to say.”
There was silence, or maybe the silence was all in Remus’s head. Maybe Remus was going crazy because why the fuck did he just open his mouth? What was wrong with him? He begged that he was dreaming, he had to be.
“And what is that?” Sirius asked, prolonging the whole exchange. Oh, Sirius, just fucking end it, would you? Why did you have to make it longer? Remus thought more and more, he knew the outcome, but it was too far away. Too much time until it.
“That you don’t like me.” Remus forced it out with a panted breath. Fuck, was everything spinning? Did Remus forget how to breathe? It all felt like it.
And then, Sirius squeezed his hand harder. Suddenly, nothing was spinning. Remus was just floating in limbo. Waiting.
If Sirius was appalled, he wouldn’t still hold onto him.
“I do like you…” Sirius paused, or maybe he didn’t. Maybe Remus imagined that pause because he wanted to stay in a moment where Sirius did like him. Maybe that pause never happened, or maybe it did. Maybe Remus was going insane. But the pause ended. It had to end at some point. “Just not like that.”
Maybe there was a pause.
Maybe there wasn’t.
The meaning was still the same.
Remus felt lighter at first, like a weight was finally gone. His head felt clearer, his heart less heavy, but then he crashed through the ground.
He knew it would happen, he knew where Sirius stood. They were on opposite sides after all.
Remus nodded, he kept nodding. He didn’t know what else to do.
He accepted it.
Because Sirius wouldn’t change. Sirius was still straight.
And Remus was gay.
And none of those truths would ever change.
“Thank you.” Remus whispered. He needed to hear it, he had been going insane looking for a meaning he knew wasn’t there.
“Nothing will change, Remus.” Sirius squeezed his hand again before Remus pulled away. “I promised. I still promise.”
Remus nodded again, or maybe he never stopped. He felt lighter, but fuck. There was something so appealing about being Sirius’s boyfriend. He loved being a best friend, but there was that part that wished he could have been more.
But that wasn’t how things worked.
So Remus just nodded, or maybe he never stopped.