Work Text:
i.
Colonel Charles Cathcart possessed many a trait that had gotten him far in life. His perseverance, his loyalty to his nation, his mastery of the art of sucking up to his higher ups, the list could go on! But one trait he had that none of his subordinates seem to have was self-control, especially around the fairest sex. Cathcart never had a problem staying focused on his work when there were women around, but his men, on the other hand, would constantly and shamelessly go oogling over any women they could find. They were an embarrassment and their total lack of self-control was a huge black eye to him. He’d think that he and Lieutenant Colonel Korn, the only other person it seemed who actually had some goddamn self-control, would have been able to lead by example, but alas, the men were a hopeless case.
Colonel Cathcart would often scoff at his men for their lack of self-control. He knew that they weren’t going go far in life. They were far too busy being distracted by attractive women. Hell, hardly even attractive! Cathcart always wondered how his men could be so desperate that they’d cling themselves onto people so unappealing.
ii.
Colonel Cathcart was not married. The reason was simple. Colonel Cathcart was a man of high standards and had not found the one yet. No, not the one he would fall in love with. If he were to be married, the woman would have to be attractive, rich, a high class citizen, someone who would give him a great rise in status. Of course, Cathcart wouldn’t love her; he had never loved any woman he met.
Cathcart wondered if his dream woman would love him, but eventually decided it would be a black eye in the long run if she did.
iii.
Good dreams were a rarity for Colonel Cathcart, who often tossed and turned throughout the night thinking of anything and everything deviating from normal that General Dreedle and General Peckem did during the day, fussing over what all those things meant for him until he passed out from exhaustion and lay dreamlessly. But sometimes he did dream, and tonight was one of those nights.
Tonight, Cathcart dreamt he was with a man. The man was attractive and mature looking, but as he was a figment of someone’s dream, details of him were bleary and faded. The two spent the dream just walking around hand in hand, and occasionally looking at each other. It sounded silly out loud, but there was a certain warmness to it. Something you would have had to have been there to understand. The two stared at each other one last time and Cathcart shut his eyes…
…Only to open them a second later and see Colonel Korn above him nudging him awake. Cathcart rolled over and buried his head in his pillow, hoping he could return to that dream again, but Korn eventually persuaded him to get up by leaving for some time, only to return with a bucket of water he poured on Cathcart’s head.
Despite the rude awakening, Cathcart’s dream left him in good spirits all morning.
iv.
“You know,” Cathcart started, “I can’t help but admire General Dreedle. He has a certain ruggedness to him that we need in this war. He has that sort of manliness that none of the other enlisted men have. No wonder he’s a general. He’s such a powerful man. I’m proud to be working under him.”
There was a slight pause, then Korn started snickering.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” Korn answered. “I just thought of a joke.”
“What was it?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Korn was still grinning. “You wouldn’t have gotten it anyway.”
Later that day, Cathcart went on a similar rant about General Peckem.
“You know, General Peckem-”
“Wait, wait! Let me guess,” Korn interrupted. “You admire Peckem’s suave intellect and charming wit. You think his keen sense of strategy is just what we need to win this war, and you want to su-see him take control of operations here.”
Cathcart’s mouth hung open. “Wow. How the hell did you do that?”
Colonel Korn didn’t answer. He just grinned and went on his way.
v.
Cathcart stared. He’d noticed something with Korn lately. The lieutenant colonel had dropped something and had bent over to pick it up, his knees slightly bent, and looking more… suggestive than he ought to be while picking up something he dropped.
But Cathcart had noticed this quite a bit. Korn was posing against walls, lying around in a lazily provocative manner, sitting down and crossing his legs while resting his head on his hand with an uninterested yet pouty look on his face. And every time as of late, Cathcart just couldn’t help but stare.
What the hell was with all these ridiculous poses? Was he doing them on purpose? Surely this hadn’t always been the case, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he was only just noticing it now, and the more concerned he became with the thought that he thought Korn was actually pulling off these poses.
vi.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Cathcart stared at the clock, unbelievably bored. He couldn’t stand this vacation home! Korn had said Cathcart needed to take a break and set up a trip here for the both of them, but Cathcart could get a break back at headquarters so long as Colonel Korn was nearby to extinguish any worries he had about what General Dreedle and General Peckem were up to.
Cathcart felt himself getting restless. As he thought more about what word could have been going around about Dreedle and Peckem, he wanted to get back there and do something. Not just sit on some crappy farm with his thumb up his ass. Cathcart began pacing around the room trying to think of something, anything, to do, when at least some saving grace came in.
“Bored?” Colonel Korn asked.
Cathcart grumbled.
“This is for your own good, Chuck,” Korn lectured. “Even the enlisted men are able to get time off.”
Cathcart mumbled something.
“What was that?”
“Well at least they have something to do!” Cathcart said, louder this time.
“And that would be?” Korn asked, feigning innocence.
“I don’t know! Chasing around women or whatever the hell it is they do,” Cathcart answered, plopping down on a couch with his arms crossed. “Honestly it sounds just as boring as sitting around here.”
Korn sat down next to Cathcart. “Charles, can I ask you kind of a weird question?”
“Yeah”
“Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman?”
“There was a girl some odd years back,” Cathcart admitted, “but I was only going out with her to seem cool. I didn’t like her at all.”
“I thought so,” Korn said. “You know, I’ve noticed some things about you lately, and I couldn’t but wonder if you’ve ever thought of yourself as playing for the other team.”
Cathcart looked at Korn, tilting his head slightly.
“Are you gay, Chuck?”
“What?!” Cathcart sprung up. “I-” And he froze, realizing he’d actually never given it any thought. He never really showed any interest in women, but he’d also never considered himself to be a confirmed bachelor. He’d never gone gaga over men the way some men he’d seen go nuts over women, but on the other hand, he was surrounded by men.
Cathcart was unsure of himself, simultaneously damning Korn for bringing up a subject like this and mentally hoping Korn would catch on and immediately comfort him, saying that it was a joke and he was an asshole for bringing it up. Cathcart clenched his fists, as if grabbing onto some part of himself that he could be certain about. Everything was so confusing, above all was whether Cathcart wanted to thank Korn for finally comforting him, rubbing his back and leading him back to the couch while saying it was okay, or kick him in the balls for what he’d done just a few seconds ago.
“It’s alright,” Korn said, still rubbing at his superior’s back. “You don’t need to figure this out now. You can just relax and enjoy your vacation.”
Cathcart was half listening to what Korn was saying and was somewhat mollified, but he still kept thinking about Korn said before. That is, until he had an idea.
“I have an idea!” Cathcart said suddenly, jumping up again. “But you have to keep it a secret. You hear me? That’s an order.”
“My lips are sealed,” Korn promised, leaning back into the couch despite the fact that he had no idea what Cathcart’s harebrained scheme was.
“If you and I kiss, I’ll know for sure,” Cathcart said with the utmost confidence. “But you absolutely can’t tell anyone about this, you hear?”
Korn opened his mouth, as if to say something, then put his hand up to his face. He started laughing, but it wasn’t that usually sadistic little snicker of his. It was more breathy, embarrassed laughter. Cathcart felt impressed with himself as he stood in front of Korn’s flustered display. Good. He deserved it.
Korn calmed himself down and patted the spot next to him signaling Cathcart to sit down and that they were in fact doing this. For a couple moments the two just sat there, not sure how to go about this. Cathcart avoided eye contact for as long as he could while making popping noises with his mouth while Korn kicked his legs back and forth, humming every so often.
Korn, sick of the awkward atmosphere between them, leaned in first, and as soon as Cathcart noticed, he wasn’t far behind. They kissed slowly, but Cathcart could feel his heart racing. Whether it was the kiss, or the tension leading up to it, Cathcart wasn’t sure anymore, but he did think he liked this.
As the two broke the kiss, they went back to their awkward silence.
“Hey, Korn,” Cathcart finally said, “you promise you’re not gonna tell anyone about this, right? It’d be a real black eye if this sort of thing got out back at the base.”
“I promise,” Korn said, giving him a peck on the cheek.