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While Steve is at the gym, Tony finds himself completely alone with Peter. He's been alone with his son a few times in the short month since they adopted him, but this time it's different. For the first time ever, Tony is tasked with changing Peter's diaper. He's not a huge kids kind of guy. Don't get me wrong, he loves Peter. I mean, he adores that precious little boy. Mostly because he's theirs – his and Steve's. But he's still not good with kids. He hasn't the slightest idea on how to change a diaper.
Undoing the straps he says unenthusiastically, “Alright, let's see what we've got here.” And what we have is not pretty, let me tell you. Tony isn't used to this. No, not at all. He lifts the front of the diaper up to assess the situation.
“Dear god! What are we feeding you?!” He quickly puts the diaper back, grabbing a wad of baby wipes.
With deep breaths, he says to himself, “You can do this Tony. You're a grown man. You're the adult here. Peter can't change his own diaper. He can't sit around in his own feces. He needs you. You can take down an army of aliens, you can change this baby's diaper.” Determined, he sets to work.
Wiping up the bum of a gurgling, nine-week-old baby, he starts chanting to himself, “Please don't pee on me. Please, don't pee on me. Please, do not pee on me.”
Now that Peter is clean, after using a dozen or more wipes, and the dirty diaper quickly disposed of - “should have it incinerated” - Tony tries putting on a clean diaper. “Fuck,” he mutters. “Do you know how to put this on?” he asks the infant. “Because I haven't the faintest idea.” Peter is squirming, and Tony is trying to wrap it around his tiny waist. Maybe it's backwards. He turns it around. Nope, definitely not better. He throws his hands up in surrender.
“Screw it!”
Tony was sitting on the couch playing with Peter on his lap, the house radio playing some AC/DC, when Steve comes back from the gym.
Steve dropped his gym bag on the floor and rushed over to sit on the couch next to Tony, beaming at their wriggling, bouncing son. “You look happy,” he cooed at Peter, a big smile on his face.
“Of course he is. We're listening to real music for a change,” Tony told him.
They'd already had this conversation before. “I just didn't think it appropriate for him.”
“He obviously likes it,” he pointed out. In Tony's opinion, Steve had been reading way too many child raising books.
“Will you let it go?”
Tony pretended to think about it for a minute. “No.” Steve rolled his eyes, earning him a quick, chaste kiss on the cheek from his husband.
“So, you didn't have any problems?”
“None, whatsoever.”
Steve looked unconvinced. “You sure?”
“You really think I can't handle a tiny human for three hours?”
The big man shrugged. “You've never been by yourself with him for that long before.”
“I'll have you know that I met all of his basic needs.”
“So you fed him?”
“Yup.”
“From the can of formula on the counter?”
“Oh. Was that for eating? I thought that was baby powder, so instead we shared a chimichanga and half a bottle of scotch.”
“Aha. Ahahaha,” Steve replied with equal amounts of sarcasm. “Mind if I take him?”
Tony passed a smiling Peter into Steve's out stretched arms. “Sure. I have to finish fixing our shower anyways.”
“I told you I was going to do that this afternoon.”
“Well, now I'm doing it,” he replied, finishing with a not-so-quick and not-so-chaste kiss.
Not an hour later, while Tony was still working on the shower, he heard Steve yelling from across the house.
“TONY!”
“NUH-UH. BUSY,” he yelled in reply.
“NO. COME HERE!”
With a sigh, Tony put down his tools and made his way through the house, following Steve's voice. He was in the nursery changing Peter's diaper.
“Is this duct tape, Tony?” Steve asked, gesturing to the Peter's diaper.
“I'm glad that you can recognize these modern marvel's, Captain.”
Blondie glared at him. “Did you really need to use duct tape on our baby?”
“It was either that or plaster.”
“Can't you just take this serious for once?”
“I am taking this serious. He seriously needed something to keep the diaper on. Duct tape fixes everything – it's a known scientific fact.”
Steve just sighed and gave up on it, turning away from Tony.
As Tony walked back to the shower, Steve screams in frustration, “ELECTRICAL TAPE, TOO?”
“I wasn't sure if the duct tape would be enough,” Tony called back at him, honestly proud of his Captain for being able to tell what it was.