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“Chris, c’mon buddy, it’s time to wake up.”
Eddie was shaking Christopher’s shoulders, trying to get him to wake up so he could go sleep in his bed. He had fallen asleep on the couch once again, while videos were playing on the TV in the background.
Christopher stirred awake, nodding slowly and getting up from the couch groggily. Eddie quickly told him goodnight and Christopher answered before heading to his bedroom and closing the door.
Eddie turned to face the TV and switch it off, but the remote was nowhere to be seen. He looked on the coffee table, the couch itself, in between the couch cushions, but he couldn’t find it.
“Ugh… you’ve gotta be kidding me.” Eddie muttered under his breath. The video on the screen wasn’t necessarily the type of stuff he’d watch normally: just a small group of 3 people, sitting, reading and reacting to Reddit stories. Christopher liked watching this channel a lot though, and sometimes Eddie would listen in, chuckling and gasping to himself while cleaning around the house or getting dinner ready. He sat down on the couch defeated, thinking of how he could turn off the TV without a remote since stupid modern TVs nowadays didn’t have a physical button on them anymore. The video that was playing was called “Wholesome Reddit stories” and Eddie rolled his eyes a bit at that. While he was here, he might as well just enjoy some wholesome stories from lives far greater than his before he went to bed for the night. The first story wasn’t that really wholesome overall he thought, but Eddie was still interested so he kept watching. He listened, enjoying the people’s reactions to the stories, finding them even more enjoyable than the story itself most of the time.
About half way through the video, the next story started.
“I fell in love with my rival.” Eddie raised his eyebrows, already interested in this just from the title. If he was being honest, Eddie did enjoy some juicy gossip here and there… If it didn’t hurt anyone, he thought what could be the harm in it? Everyone liked gossip once in a while.
“Yeah well, shit. I am a man, and he is also a man. I thought I left this gay phase at 15, but no. I knew him for about 3 years since I started drag racing, and since the first day, we have had our rivalry.” Eddie chuckled quickly at that, thinking back to his first day on the job. He remembers Buck trying so hard to act as if he didn’t get along with him, wanting to act like they were rivals, but then quickly dropping the act.
“But despite that, he was always there. Whenever I needed him, there he was. He saved me so many times, and still counting. Corny, I know.” Eddie’s mind started to wander elsewhere. Of course he would think of Buck. They had quite literally saved each other’s lives in the past and always had each other’s backs. It’s only normal he would have Buck come to mind here because what was the harm in all of this reminding him of his best friend?
“I just woke up one day and felt the need to see him, touch him in all sorts of ways.” Eddie made a shocked face, and laughed at the reaction of the girl in the video… but something was bugging him suddenly.
“He just went back to his military service. Yesterday, I thought he was just being nicer. A hug is not something unusual, but when it’s all the time, it’s something else, right?” Eddie half nodded along, not even realizing it.
“Today I just realized that I love him. I love him, and I feel heartbroken. It feels like my heart was ripped from my chest. Maybe he was just being nice because he would miss me, and my mind got the wrong signals? I needed to get this out because I just don’t trust anyone to spit it out, and he could see this. Ryan, I love you with all my heart. I fucking love you.”
Eddie normally would have let out an impressed whistle, thinking this would have filled his gossip quota a perfect amount. But yet he sat there, tuning out the 3 people on the screen that were now commenting on the story further. He felt weird and he didn’t quite know why. He had thought about Buck throughout parts of the story, but that wasn’t so strange, was it? There were similarities, and he could admit that to himself… But then why did some other parts of the story feel like they were getting to him? It’s not like Eddie had never thought about it. Honestly, he often thought about how throughout his multiple failed relationships in the past 6 years, Buck had never left his side. He understood him better than anyone, and they often didn’t need to exchange any words to get one another. Eddie never had to try so hard to be someone he wasn’t around Buck, and he liked that about their friendship. Buck had also saved his life, and Eddie had saved his. It wasn’t so farfetched for Eddie to have thought about if in another life, Buck had been a woman, what could have been… Right?
Eddie shook his head, telling himself he was tired and overthinking things way too much. It was late, and he needed to sleep for work. Eddie suddenly noticed something sticking out from underneath the couch. He bent down and grabbed the foreign object, realizing it was the TV remote. He grumbled to himself, hit the power button, and headed to his bedroom. When he laid down in bed, he felt his thoughts weighing him down, but he knew why he was feeling weird. He had thought about his best friend during a story all about a man realizing he had feelings for his friend. Not every part of the story needed to match up, and he simply felt that he could relate to the bond the 2 people in the story shared. That’s all it was. Nothing more. Eddie closed his eyes, hoping he would drift off to sleep easily.
***
When Eddie’s alarm blared for the 5th time in a row, he wanted to rip his head off. He had tried his very best to ignore all the thoughts swirling around his head, but they had made it impossible for him to properly fall asleep, and so for the last 7 hours, he had laid in bed, twisting and turning, or laying there with his eyes closed hoping his body would do what it was supposed to do. It hadn’t worked.
“Dadddd, you gotta wake up, you’re gonna be late to work.” Christopher opened his door, already fully dressed and seemingly about to head out to catch the bus.
Eddie shot up in his bed, realizing what time it was. He was actually going to be late for work for the first time in 6 years since he had joined the 118.
“Yeah, alright Chris, have a good day at school buddy! Stay safe alright!” Eddie yelled down the hall as he got up from his bed. He heard a small “Have a good day, dad.” before hearing the front door closing.
Eddie scrambled to grab clothes, quickly dressing himself up. He thought he would grab something to eat at the firehouse, so after brushing his teeth and making sure his hair didn’t make him look like he had just gotten out of bed, he grabbed his bag and left the house, quickly texting Buck to tell Bobby that he was going to get there a bit late. He would explain once he was there.
After seemingly the longest drive of his life thanks to LA traffic, Eddie finally got to the firehouse. Everyone had already gotten to work, cleaning the fire engines and making sure everything was in check.
“Hey, look who the cat dragged in.” Buck walked up to Eddie, beaming and laughing at him. “First time being late, eh? What happened last night?”
Eddie just ignored him and walked past Buck as the latter followed him, pestering him constantly. Of course Buck would be nosy. That was Buck’s entire identity sometimes. Eddie got to the locker room, and finally looked at Buck who was right beside him, still laughing at his own lame jokes. Eddie felt like a zombie, which is probably why it seemed as if Buck was so much brighter than usual.
Eddie rolled his eyes. “No, I wasn’t out partying or anything like that. I just had trouble falling asleep last night… My body just didn’t seem to want to.” He shrugged, opening his locker and putting away his bag.
Buck looked at him, cocking an eyebrow. He clearly would not accept that as an answer. “That’s it? Nothing was weighing your mind down? That’s usually what happens to me when I can’t sleep.”
Eddie froze for a second at that, suddenly remembering all the things that had been on his mind since last night. He closed the locker door, telling Buck a quick no that he hoped sounded convincing enough, and started walking out to head up to the kitchen. Clearly, the no wasn’t convincing enough, because Buck followed him, awaiting more of a response. Eddie opened the fridge, quickly scanning the contents inside and deciding to grab the bread to make some quick toast, Buck sitting behind him at the kitchen island.
“What, did Marisol or another ex or yours call you to reconnect?” Buck softly gasped to himself. “Chris wants to move back to Texas again? Please tell me that’s not it.” When Eddie turned to face Buck after letting out yet another sigh, he was faced with the biggest sad puppy eyes he had ever seen Buck have. He looked like he was about to burst out into tears right then and there.
“Buck, god no, Chris is staying here. This has nothing to do with him.” Buck’s shoulders immediately relaxed. “Well it kinda does. I was up thinking about everything that happened with that... I just couldn’t shut off my brain.” Eddie lied, hoping that Buck would just take the bait and leave him alone. That indeed seemed to work and satisfy Buck’s curiosity, because next thing you know, he gave Eddie a big smile (that seemed to energize Eddie way more than usual) and he was heading back downstairs to continue his work. Eddie let out a breath of relief, focusing back on his food, putting the bread into the toaster. He sat there for a second in silence, finally catching his breath after having to practically sprint out of the house. He really couldn’t believe he had been late to work. If only it hadn’t been for… that.
“Long night yesterday?” A voice behind him snapped him out of his trance. Eddie was ready to tell Buck off again, but quickly recognized the voice as Bobby’s. He turned to face his captain, putting on a small smile. “I’m really sorry for getting here late Cap, I know it’s never happened before and it won’t happen again.”
Bobby walked up to Eddie, smiling as he put a hand on his shoulder. “Relax Eddie, you’re not in any trouble. This happens to everyone, and you’ve always been very punctual. Just don’t push yourself too hard today, and rest up well once you’re back home.”
Eddie let out a laugh he didn’t realize he had been holding in, nodding and thanking Bobby. With that, the latter headed back downstairs. Eddie’s toast popped out of the toaster, and he grabbed the peanut butter, spreading it on the bread, and headed to the table to eat his well deserved breakfast.
…Or so he wanted to, but right as he was about to take the first bite, the bell went off, echoing off of all the walls of the firehouse, immediately kicking his body into high gear. Even though Eddie was annoyed by the fact things seemed to keep going wrong for him, he honestly wasn’t even all that hungry. Ever since Buck had asked him what kept him up, everything had come flooding right back and his thoughts had quickly made him feel suffocated. So he thought, what better way to distract himself than to go out there and respond to an emergency?
***
“Earth to Eddie?” A voice said.
“Huh? What?” Eddie snapped out of his trance.
“I asked you a question like 20 seconds ago and you never answered me.” Buck looked at him weird. They were heading to a call, and Eddie had completely zoned out, looking out of the window, watching the buildings zoom by them.
“Oh uh…” Eddie let out a nervous chuckle. “Sorry, man. I was zoned out.”
“Someone was up too late last night and he’s grumpy now.” Hen said in a mocking voice, laughing at the same time. A few chuckles followed.
Eddie looked her way, shooting daggers with his eyes. She cocked an eyebrow, not one to be intimidated by Eddie’s sassiness.
“What were you even up to yesterday? Getting late to work isn’t like you.” Chim added.
Eddie looked out the window again for a brief second, then returned his gaze to his coworkers, quickly making eye contact with Buck. He felt his heart flip. He ignored it.
“I was watching some stupid video and it got me thinking.” Eddie said.
Chim and Hen looked at one another, knowing there was more to it, but before they could say anything, Buck spoke up.
“Hey, that’s not what you told me earlier.” Buck let out with a whine. Eddie turned back his attention towards him, exasperated with his best friend.
“It got me thinking about everything that happened with Chris, just like I told you. Maybe if you’d let me finish my sentence?” Eddie said, a twinge of annoyance in his voice.
The air suddenly felt tense in the fire engine. Not a second too long, and they were stopped, Bobby’s voice crackling through their headphones. “We’re here, come on everyone.”
Eddie looked out the window. They were in a more secluded neighborhood of LA, in front of a small 2 story house. The outside was made of brick, and the garden looked a mess. “Probably just some old person who fell or something” Eddie thought to himself, hopping out of the engine.
Bobby rattled off the details to his team. “Dispatch says that an older gentleman called, complaining of pain in his left leg. While dispatch was asking further questions, they suddenly heard a scream and then everything went silent.” Everyone nodded, taking in the information while grabbing their respective gear.
They all walked up to the front door, finding it unlocked. They looked at one another, confused as to why that could be, but not questioning it further. The house was silent, smelling slightly of mildew.
“911, is anybody here?” Bobby said with a loud voice. Only silence came back his way.
“Alright, Buck, Eddie, I want you both to check upstairs. Chim, Hen, you’ve got the downstairs area. I’ll check the backyard in case our patient is there.” Bobby ordered.
Everyone got to moving. Buck and Eddie ran up the stairs, going down different directions in the hall. There were only 2 rooms up there, so after quickly realizing there wasn’t anyone, they went back downstairs to look around some more. Voices came from a room nearby a few seconds later.
“Cap, we’ve got him!” It was Chim. Buck and Eddie immediately headed towards the voice. When they got to the living room, Eddie was suddenly hit with a strong unpleasant scent.
“Oh god, what the hell is that smell?” Eddie asked the others, covering his lower face.
Ravi walked over to a table nearby, poking a food container that was on top of a mound of other food containers. “I think I found the culprit.”
In the meantime, Hen and Chim had been taking care of the patient who had fallen on the ground, taking his blood pressure and asking him questions. The man was probably around his eighties, and his face was contorted in pain. He was still conscious though, answering questions about what had happened and when the pain in his leg started. The leg in question was extremely swollen, and Eddie realized some of the smell might have been coming from it. Eddie listened as the man talked a bit about how he didn’t want to ask for help and felt ashamed of what his life had become. To Eddie though, the man seemed like the tough type. In a way, he was reminded of himself. Even when going through the worst pain imaginable, he just couldn’t give in fully to it.
“Eddie, Buck, go and get the gurney for this gentleman here.” Bobby’s voice snapped Eddie out of his own thoughts, and he nodded along Buck as he headed towards the front door. They got to the ambulance and the tension in the air was almost palpable. Eddie hated it, and so did Buck, but neither of them wanted to speak first. Finally, after opening the doors and climbing into the ambulance, Buck spoke.
“Hey uh… Sorry. Y’know, about earlier. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Buck’s eyes were back to being identical to the ones of a small, sad animal, and Eddie didn’t know how many more of those looks he could handle.
They closed the ambulance door and walked back to the front door, Eddie responding at the same time. “It’s not your fault… I’m just really cranky. I should be the one saying sorry.”
Buck gave Eddie a small smile at that, clearly loosening up. “Apology accepted then.” Eddie smiled in return.
They got back to the living room, and after a few more minutes, the patient was hoisted on the gurney. He seemed to be in a bit less pain, and he was talking to Hen in a hushed voice, but still loud enough for Eddie to hear.
“There are so many things I missed out on because I didn’t want people to see me like this. You’ve got a kind soul miss, I can tell. If there’s anything you can take from me, it's that regrets will catch up to you at one point.”
Hen smiled at him. “Sir, you did the right thing by calling us. You still crossed a door a lot of people never dare to even get close to.” With that, the man chuckled, thanking Hen as well as Chim for the help.
Everyone got back in the fire engine except for Hen and Chim who got into the ambulance. The ride back to the station was spent in silence, Eddie back in his head once again, thinking about what the man back there had said. Eddie didn’t want any more regrets in his life. He had had enough of those, and he just wanted to allow himself to be happy without shame.
The rest of the day went by in a blur, Eddie being zoned out for the majority of it from lack of sleep and his mind weighing him down. Buck seemed to understand Eddie wasn’t in the mood to talk, because he didn’t try to engage into a conversation for the rest of their shift. It was nice though, having that common understanding without having to say a word. Eddie liked it.
The end of the day came, and Eddie quickly changed himself back. He was struggling to even think, the exhaustion having caught up to him. He said goodbye to everyone as they told him to rest well. The sun was setting on LA as he drove in the familiar traffic. When he got home, he headed to Christopher’s room, telling him to cook himself something since he was already heading to sleep. Christopher could probably tell how tired Eddie was, letting out an “Okay dad, sleep well.” before Eddie closed the bedroom door again. Eddie forced himself to brush his teeth, foregoing a shower and telling himself he’d take one in the morning. Every step felt like he was lifting boots filled with lead, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had been that tired. As soon as his head hit his pillow, he drifted off to sleep.
***
The next few days zoomed by. Eddie had gotten some well deserved rest that first night, and had thought to himself that he was over thinking about Buck and that stupid story. But every time he’d arrive at the firehouse, he’d be greeted by Buck and his big, huge bright smile, and he’d feel himself tumbling down all over. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He had never felt this way around Buck, but yet he suddenly was finding himself nervous talking to his best friend, afraid that someway, somehow, the thoughts that were plaguing him would come out of his mouth without him wanting to. He felt bad, but he thought that until he could sort himself out, he’d just have to avoid Buck. Eddie knew the other could feel him being distant, but it wasn’t the first time he had been this way. He thought back to when he had quit the 118 to work at the dispatch center, how distant he was from Buck then, unable to face him and the rest of his friends. Unable to face his own feelings. He was back to doing just that.
It was after 4 days that Buck started feeling like there had to have been something going on. Of course, it wasn’t unlike Eddie to isolate himself. Buck was guilty of doing that too at times, but he couldn’t help but keep wondering if he had done something for Eddie to be this way. His best friend was fine with everyone else, laughing and talking to all the others during shifts. Eddie was only avoiding Buck, and yet he didn’t want to face him directly, afraid that he would worsen the situation.
Without realizing it, Buck had stopped mid cleaning the fire engine, and a hand snapping its fingers appeared in front of his face. He jumped slightly, acknowledging Ravi that was now laughing to himself.
“Oh man, you were really zoned out. Something on your mind Buck?” Ravi asked.
“Uh… Oh. It’s…” Buck sighed, allowing himself to bother Ravi with this. “It’s Eddie. Do you feel like he’s been avoiding me the past few days?”
Ravi paused for a moment, thinking to himself. “Honestly. Yeah, kinda, I did notice it. I thought you guys might have argued or something, but if you’re here asking me if he’s been avoiding you…” Ravi let out a whistle. “Uh-oh, trouble in paradise.”
Buck rolled his eyes at the comment, but felt his anxiety lessen a bit. He hadn’t been that crazy after all. “That’s the thing though, we didn’t argue. Ever since that day he came in late, he’s been distant.”
“Well, sounds like you’d need to talk to him about it.” Ravi shrugged.
Buck rubbed his face, sighing. “Yeah… I guess you’re right.”
Ravi smiled. “I always am.”
Buck playfully hit his shoulder. “No the hell you aren’t!” They both laughed. “I’ll try to talk to him I guess. Maybe it’s just something stupid.”
“Good luck man, I wouldn’t want to see you guys fall apart. If there’s two people in the firehouse that are the closest, it’s you both.”
Buck let out a small chuckle, thanking Ravi for his advice, and he resumed his work. He’d talk to Eddie. He’d go over to his house, and talk to him, and figure out what was going on.
That’s what Buck had wanted to do, but as his shift ended, he found himself driving unconsciously to one place in particular. He parked his car, going up to the door and knocking.
“Oh! Hey Buck, didn’t expect to see you right now. Come in.” Maddie’s smile appeared on her face as she opened the door to see her younger brother.
“Hey Maddie, sorry this is kind of sudden.” He looked outside to his parked car. He hadn’t even realized he had driven here, his mind having gone on autopilot.
Maddie walked to the kitchen with Buck following her. “Oh c’mon, you know it’s fine for you to show up whenever. I was just about to start making dinner, Chim went out to the park with Jee, and Robert’s asleep.” She turned back to look at Buck, brows furrowed. “Something’s bothering you, huh.”
“H-huh? How did you know?” Buck said, shocked.
“Oh my God, Buck. How many times do I have to tell you this? I’m your sister, of course I know these things.” She put her hands on her hips, looking at him. “Come on, spit it out. What’s wrong?”
Buck sat down at the kitchen counter while Maddie walked around, grabbing stuff to get dinner started.
“It’s… It’s Eddie. He’s been weirdly distant from me the past 4 days and I don’t know what happened. I wanna talk to him and ask him, but I’m scared I did something and that I’ll make it worse.” Buck let out.
Maddie turned to face Buck. “Did anything happen between you guys?”
“Well the other day, he got to work late.” At that, Maddie widened her eyes a bit, surprised. “Yeah, I had the same reaction. It’s not like Eddie to ever be late to work, so I immediately went up to him, asking him why he was late. He told me he had struggled to sleep because he was thinking about everything that happened with Chris and Texas… It made sense to me so I left him alone.” Maddie nodded, and Buck continued.
“Then we went out on a call, and he was zoned out on the way there. Hen made a comment about how he was grumpy as a joke, and Eddie said he had been watching a video that got him thinking, so I joked about how that’s not what he had told me but…” Buck let out a sigh. “I guess it didn’t come out like a joke to him, because he snapped at me. I barely had time to apologize while we were out on the call, and ever since that he’s been avoiding me.”
Maddie pursed her lips slightly. “Hm… Well, I mean, you know what I’m gonna say, Buck.” She looked at him, a bit exasperated but with fondness in her eyes. “You really just need to talk to him. You won’t know what’s up until you ask him directly.”
Buck looked down at his hands, fiddling with them in his lap. “Yeah, I know. I’m just… scared of messing it up even more I guess?”
Maddie cocked her head to the side. “And why is that?”
“I mean, I’ve just never had a bond with anyone else like I do with Eddie. I don’t wanna throw it all out.” Buck said, his voice small.
“Buck, you both have been through so much together, you really think a small bump like this would ruin it all?” Maddie responded. “Plus, you guys have had much bigger differences before… Why are you so worried this time?”
Buck thought about it for a second. Why was he so worried? He hadn’t realized it until Maddie had said it, but she was right. Him and Eddie had had much bigger disagreements in the past, moments where Eddie would isolate himself from everyone and it worried Buck immensely then. What was so different this time around?
He looked back up at Maddie. “Maybe it’s because he’s avoiding me only, I mean he’s been talking to everyone else at the firehouse. Him and Hen suddenly feel like they’ve been best friends for decades, even when we’re out on calls, we’ve just been exchanging a few words and that’s it. Surely that means I’ve done something wrong.”
“Or you’re overthinking this. You won’t ruin things by asking him directly, Buck. Just go to his place and talk to him. You’re making yourself worry more than you should here.” Maddie replied.
Buck put his head in his hands, exhausted. He knew Maddie was right, but he couldn’t push away the feeling gnawing at him that something was wrong and that he’d somehow make Eddie despise him. He knew that would never happen, but with him unable to even have a clue of why Eddie was acting this way, it made Buck even more anxious about what kind of talk they would be having once he’d go there.
Buck lifted his head, meeting Maddie’s eyes. “I should go over there right now, shouldn’t I?”
Maddie’s eyes softened as she smiled at Buck. “Yes, you big dummy. Everything’s gonna be fine.”
Buck let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding, nodding. “Alright, then. I’ll leave you to make your food, I don’t want Chim and Jee upset at me because I held you up.” At that, Maddie chuckled.
Buck stood up, heading for the door. Before he opened it, he turned to face his sister. “Hey uh… Thanks for that. It means a lot.” He smiled at her, grateful.
Maddie simply opened her arms in response, and Buck immediately buried himself in the embrace. It was only a few seconds long, but it made Buck feel like all his worries had suddenly melted away.
“Go get ‘em, tiger.” Maddie said as she held the door, winking at him.
With renewed energy, Buck headed towards his car, getting inside and driving off. He was feeling great at first, but slowly, the dread and the anxiety was settling in again. He couldn’t not be scared to face Eddie. He knew deep down that he must have done something to make his best friend avoid him so much, but before he let the thoughts overwhelm him again, he shut them down, trying his best to stay calm and repeating Maddie’s words in his head. He could do this.
Buck arrived in front of Eddie’s house, and a small calming sense of familiarity washed over him before it was brushed aside by the nerves. He shut his engine, climbing out of his car and heading towards the front door. A simple knock. That’s all he needed to do. He took a deep breath, holding his hand up to the door, and let his fist hit the wooden object.
He stood there, waiting for what felt like an eternity, before the door opened. It wasn’t the first time Buck had shown up unannounced at Eddie’s house. More often than not, Buck had simply let himself in without saying anything, once again because words rarely needed to be exchanged between the two of them. But this time around, Buck felt a tension in the air immediately appear, suffocating him almost. He didn’t know if Eddie could feel it too.
Eddie was shocked to open the door to see Buck. He had already been surprised to even hear a knock in the first place. Why was Buck here? And why did it suddenly feel like a coldness had spread through the air, stealing all the oxygen from Eddie’s lungs? He had tried so hard to push aside the overwhelming thoughts that had appeared suddenly the past few days, and once again, he was now hit by them full force as soon as his eyes landed on Buck. He swallowed hard before breaking the silence.
“Buck. Fancy seeing you here.” Eddie said in what he hoped sounded welcoming.
Buck looked at him, blinking a few times before he let out some words too. “Uh… Yeah. Hi. Sorry for coming here without a heads up.”
Eddie found it weird for Buck to be saying that. He had shown up so many times uninvited, and it had never been an issue. He couldn’t see why Buck was apologizing now.
“Right, well.” He stepped aside. “Come on in.”
Buck was praying that Eddie couldn’t see how nervous he was as he walked by him and inside the house. He looked around, then turned to face Eddie.
“Uh, Chris isn’t here?”
“Oh no, he went out with some friends to the movies right after school ended. He texted me earlier to let me know he’d get a ride home.” Eddie said.
Buck nodded slowly. “Right. Well uh, I hope they picked a good movie.”
Eddie’s eyebrow perked up. He didn’t say more though, but couldn’t really understand why Buck was so awkward. If anything, Eddie should be the one nervous and awkward to talk to Buck considering… everything. Eddie was great at pushing his feelings aside though, very rarely letting his anxiety shine. Buck on the other hand was the opposite. Anyone could tell from miles away if he was nervous, and Eddie could definitely tell right now.
“Well, do you want a beer or something?” Eddie said to Buck, who almost jumped a little from being startled.
Buck shoved his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, sure that’d be nice.”
Eddie nodded and headed to the kitchen, Buck following him. Eddie entered the kitchen, opening up the fridge about to grab 2 beers when suddenly Buck spoke.
“Are you mad at me?”
Eddie turned towards the other, puzzled.
“Huh, Buck, what? Mad at you? What, no. What makes you even think that?” Eddie was losing his composure already and he could tell, but the words had come out of his mouth before he could think twice about it.
Buck’s heart was pounding, but he was ignoring it. “You’ve been avoiding me. At the firehouse. Ever since that day you got to work late, you haven’t been talking to me.” Buck breathed in and out, remembering he needed to do that. The words were just cascading out of his mouth now. “And you’ve been fine with everyone else, and talking to Hen so much and laughing all the time, and on calls we barely even talk.” Buck felt that his face was hot, the shame and embarrassment suddenly catching up to him now that he was done talking. He ignored it though, awaiting a response from Eddie.
Eddie stood there, the fridge door still open and the cold air from it making the hairs on his arm stand up. He looked at Buck, trying to process what he had just said, but failing to do so. He didn’t think Buck had noticed. Eddie had realized he had been a bit more distant, but it wasn’t that bad, was it? Now he wasn’t so sure anymore. The seconds were ticking by, and the longer he stood there not answering, the more questions Buck would ask, so Eddie spoke.
“I’m not mad at you Buck. I’ve had a lot on my mind these past few days, and I think I just needed the space.”
“Needed the space but only from me?” Buck shot back. His eyes were glued on Eddie, his gaze cold, piercing.
That felt like needles going through Eddie’s heart.
“God no, I just needed space to think. I’m sorry Buck, it wasn’t on purpose.” Eddie replied, finally closing the fridge door at the same time and walking to lean on the kitchen counter. He ran his hand through his hair, a nervous gesture he’s sure Buck would pick up on easily. He was slowly coming apart at the seams.
Buck breathed out, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t want to be annoyed at Eddie, but he couldn’t help himself. It felt like he had been kept in the dark for the past few days, and Buck had been beating himself up, thinking it had all been his fault, only for Eddie to confirm those doubts. Once again, Maddie’s words echoed through his mind. “You’re overthinking this.” “Everything’s gonna be fine.” He eased up a little. He came here to get answers, not to fuck things up.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to blow up at you suddenly.” He quickly looked away from Eddie, before meeting his eyes once again. “I didn’t really want to ask you, because I could tell something was up and I didn’t want to get in the way. It’s just… I started noticing you were only avoiding me, and as soon as I did notice, it bothered me even more.” He let out a chuckle. “God, even Ravi noticed it. I thought I was going insane.”
“I…” Eddie trailed off, not knowing how to answer. He wanted to explain to Buck why he had been so distant, but how could he explain it when he didn’t even fully understand it himself?
“The reason you’ve had a lot on your mind… It isn’t about Chris, is it?” Buck said.
Eddie felt like a deer caught in headlights. He froze. He didn’t want Buck to know, but at the same time, the longer they talked, the more one question kept surfacing at the top of his head, one of the many questions that had been plaguing his mind for the past few days. If he could ask this question to Buck, maybe it would make it all go away. Buck would surely say no, and Eddie’s worries would leave his almost constant train of thoughts. He had the opportunity right there to fix it all. To make things go back to normal.
Eddie forced himself to relax, breathing in and out, his decision made. He had to ask Buck.
“I just have one question, and I want you to be honest with me. Got it?” Eddie said, his eyebrows furrowed like they always were whenever he was serious about a topic.
Buck felt a cold shiver run down his spine. He ignored it, pushing away the nerves.
“Sure. What’s up?” He leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms. Buck thought he was totally nailing the nonchalant look.
Eddie took a deep breath. Just 6 little words. That’s all it was. “Do you have feelings for me?” Eddie blurted out, trying to act as if the words didn’t feel heavy and strange coming out of his mouth.
If Buck had been drinking or eating anything there, he definitely would’ve choked on it, and he never wanted that to happen to him. Again. Out of all the possibilities he had made up in his mind of what had gone wrong, this was at the bottom of the list. “Hell, it wasn’t even on the list of possibilities.” He thought to himself. He quickly regained his composure though, uncrossing his arms and scratching a sudden itch on his side. He let out a nervous chuckle, hoping Eddie didn’t think he was acting suspicious.
“Uh…” He cleared his throat, and gathered enough courage to look at Eddie. The latter was still staring him down, looking as serious as he had when he had told Buck about adding him in his will. Oh. He was serious about this. “I mean, what makes you think that? Even if I did, you’re straight, so it’s not like that would change anything.” Buck swallowed hard, now evading his eyes from Eddie’s gaze.
Eddie sighed and looked away, taking a few steps around his kitchen. His heart was pounding hard, but he didn’t want to show it at all. “That’s not an answer, Evan.” He pulled a chair and sat down at the dinner table, looking up at the other man. “I know, it seems… random I suppose. I’ve just been thinking since the other day… All because of that stupid YouTube video.” Eddie mumbled that last part, shoving his face into his hands. What was he doing?
Buck dared to look back at him, confused yet curious. “What was that last bit?”
“I…” Eddie looked back up, only making eye contact for a brief moment before continuing to trail off. “Chris last week he was watching… These videos of people reading Reddit stories. I told you how I stayed up for a bit watching one video, and one story in particular stood out to me. It just got me wondering about the way you act around me.” Eddie shook his head from side to side. “You know what, just forget I ever said anything. I’m sorry.”
“No no no, wait I’m… I’m the one who’s sorry.” Buck stuttered, pulling a chair and sitting down across from Eddie. “I dodged the question because well… Yeah, it was unexpected, and also because…” His voice became almost a whisper. “I’m not really sure if I can answer that.”
Buck looked out the window, focusing on the way the clouds moved in the sky, and on the branches swaying in the wind. He didn’t want to look at Eddie.
Eddie let out a laugh, looking at Buck incredulously. “You can’t answer that? What is that supposed to mean?” Eddie kept softly laughing, but stopped quickly when he noticed Buck didn’t want to meet his eyes, didn’t seem to want to say anything more. Oh god. He was actually serious about this. Eddie gulped, his worries growing bigger by the second.
The kitchen was silent for a few seconds before Buck took a shaky breath, looking directly at Eddie this time, but evading his eyes every few seconds. “You know, before I started dating Tommy, Maddie said something to me that I didn’t really think about twice until recently, but the more time goes by, the more I think about it almost every day.” He was letting the words come out on their own, but still pausing between every sentence to think it through. For once in his life, he wanted to try not to pull a Buck.
Eddie nodded, even if Buck wasn’t looking at him directly, he still didn’t want to speak until he was done, afraid he’d make the other too nervous.
“I talked to her about how I had lied to you. About me and Tommy being on a date, and how I felt like a fraud. She said that I probably just wasn’t sure of my own feelings yet, and that if there was something I needed to tell you, I would in my own time.”
Eddie continued to listen.
“I didn’t really think much of it then. I mean, she was right. I was still figuring out how I felt about Tommy, and I guess I was scared to tell you. It didn’t mean more than that. It was just her telling me that I should tell you when I was ready.” Buck swallowed. He still didn’t want to look at Eddie, afraid he would fall apart if he did.
“But her words started to mean something else. I…” Buck felt ashamed for a second, thinking back to the night Tommy and him had slept together. In Eddie’s house. He continued on nonetheless. “I saw Tommy. After we ended things. He came here and then things just… happened. The next morning, he said he wanted to try again. Joked about how the competition was out of the way now… I didn’t get it until it clicked that he was talking about you.”
Eddie forced himself to not make a face. Him? Competition? To Tommy?
“I told him you’re straight, why would it even matter? Hell, even Maddie brought it up too. She said it wouldn’t be so crazy if I was in love with you.” Buck let out an incredulous laugh.
Eddie was shocked about all of this. So not only did Tommy think of Eddie as competition, but Maddie also thought Buck was in love with him too? His head was spinning. This wasn’t going the way he was planning, and he felt short of breath. He was still looking at Buck, waiting for the other to turn and meet his eyes. He wasn’t.
“I realized then what she had meant the first time about me not being sure of my own feelings. I mean, I’m still not sure. It’s useless anyway. So, I never let myself feed those thoughts.” Buck let out a long breath, finally turning to meet Eddie’s eyes. His heart jumped. Eddie was looking at him so intensely, but also almost blankly, as if lost deep in thought. Buck wasn’t able to read the other at all.
Eddie’s mind was trying to make sense of it all. After all, it hadn’t helped. He had really expected Buck to laugh in his face, calling him an idiot and for them to move on. Now that Buck was done talking though, the reality set in. He was back here, wondering why everything got to him so much. Why he couldn’t help but feel his heart doing flips whenever he thought of Buck at all since that night. How he kept telling himself the story had reminded him of Buck, but really, it had reminded Eddie of himself. It had reminded him of how much he cared for Buck, and wanted Buck in his life. He didn’t want to admit it to himself because he was scared. This was an unknown feeling, and the fear kept taking hold of him instantly. He knew deep down the answer though, and he had known it since he stayed up that night, twisting and turning in his bed. He had known since he saw Buck that morning, and felt as if he was seeing him entirely differently. He had known since they had gone out on that call, and had heard that man say to not live life with regrets. He had known since the day after, when he decided to avoid Buck on purpose. He had known, and the knowing was what scared him and ate him up from the inside. He had never felt this way towards a man before. Even thinking that, it made him scared. Eddie didn’t want to be scared, but he couldn’t help it. Now, Buck had come in here and flipped his world upside down 10 more times. He felt overwhelmed, not sure how to wrap his head around it all.
So Eddie did the first thing that came to mind, not even taking a single second to think it through. It was definitely the one thing he certainly shouldn’t do in this situation. He leaned over, his head getting closer and closer to Buck’s until their lips met. They were in an awkward position, the table corner digging into Eddie’s stomach while he was slightly standing up from his chair. It lasted only a few seconds, Buck frozen in place as he tried to process what was happening. It wasn’t a good kiss, and Eddie knew it. As he sat back down, his face grew to a temperature that he thought was well above boiling. What the hell was he doing? He really hadn’t thought it through, but for some reason, his instincts had kicked in, and all the neurons in his body had itched to do that one thing, but now he felt like a fool. Eddie got up suddenly, startling Buck as he pushed the chair back. He got out of the kitchen, heading for the living room.
“Woah Eddie, where are you going?” Buck got up from his seat, chasing after Eddie.
Eddie wanted to just run away. He knew he shouldn’t, that he should just face this, but he was so mad at himself. Or no, he thought, it wasn’t anger. He was scared still, even more than he already had been. He knew he shouldn’t, but he was so overwhelmed by his feelings that the only emotion that could peak out was the fear. They were now both standing in the living room, Eddie’s back facing Buck. The tension in the air was palpable, and yet Eddie didn’t want to disturb it.
“Eddie, please just talk to me.” Buck’s voice came out, sounding hurt and broken. Eddie felt his heart being squeezed, and his breath hitched in his throat. He gathered all the little courage he had left, and turned to face Buck, daring to look at him. Buck was standing there, staring at him, his expression looking the same as he had when Eddie had gotten shot. It hurt Eddie even more to see Buck this way, knowing the other probably felt scared too.
“God I’m… I’m so so sorry Buck, I don’t know what came over me please just… Ignore that ever happened.” Eddie was stuttering like crazy, his voice shaky.
Buck was still trying to process it all. Had Eddie actually just done that? It was so unlike Eddie to even do anything so impulsive, and yet it had happened. Buck wanted to say so much, but his mind couldn’t comprehend anything.
“Eddie I…” Buck breathed out, forcing himself to sit down on the couch, feeling like his legs might give out at any point. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay.” Buck looked up at Eddie, their eyes meeting. “I just… I have so many questions now I guess?” He let out a nervous chuckle.
Eddie forced himself to keep breathing in and out. He was still trying to put all the pieces together in his head, wanting to be able to explain himself, but he couldn’t. He sat down on the couch next to Buck, holding his head in between his hands. He breathed out a long, deep sigh.
“I wish I could answer you, Buck. I don’t even know myself.”
“I mean, it’s okay. I know how that feels.” To that, Eddie looked up at Buck, feeling a bit relieved. “I still don’t really understand my feelings a lot of the time, and it can get confusing really fast.” Buck gave Eddie a small smile. “But… I think Maddie might have been right. I think I’m starting to realize that now.”
“Right about what?” Eddie asked. He knew what Buck would say, but for some reason, he needed to hear it loud and clear.
Buck gulped. He hated feeling so vulnerable, so seen and watched as he bared his feelings out. And yet, here he was, doing it over and over again for Eddie. He didn’t mind as much with him. Buck knew Eddie wouldn’t judge him, even if his mind kept always trying to convince him otherwise.
“About the way I feel about you.” Buck was staring at the wall in front of him while saying that, knowing he should have been looking at Eddie, but feeling too afraid to even glance at him.
Eddie tried to think. He knew he felt the same way. It felt wrong to think about it, some part of him screaming saying it wasn’t the truth, that he couldn’t possibly like a man, that this wasn’t who he was and always had been. He liked women, had never even looked at a man that way, and yet the past few days had proven him otherwise. He realized that his affection for Buck was more than just platonic, it was more than just caring about a friend. He wanted to be near Buck, wanted to share all his joys and pains with him, wanted to care for him and for Buck to care in return. He realized that with Buck it had never felt like he had to try as hard as with his previous relationships. They just got each other, and that’s what Eddie loved so much. How they were so different yet similar, and how he had never felt a bond like this with anyone else. How could he possibly explain all of that to Buck though? How could he put all of this into words, into coherent sentences that made sense? He wanted to, so he tried.
“That video I watched the other day, it was a story of this guy talking about how he realized he…” Eddie stopped mid sentence, struggling to get the words out. “About how he loved… his friend. How he realized his feelings for him.” Eddie felt his throat close up, but he wanted to get it all out, so he continued.
“I didn’t understand why it got to me so much. Normally, I’d hear that, think it’s interesting, and move on. And yet I couldn’t, and that’s why I stayed awake all night, and it’s why I got to work late.” Eddie turned to look at Buck. “It’s why I’ve been avoiding you. I’m sorry about that.” Eddie shook his head. “I was trying to piece together my thoughts, and I haven’t been able to at all.”
Buck turned to look at Eddie, feeling an immediate need to comfort him. “I understand.” He smiled, nodding. “You don’t owe me anything, really. You can tell me all about it whenever you’re ready to.”
Eddie felt his body enveloped by warmth, letting the fear escape him for a bit. He was so grateful for Buck and his ability to make him feel better. He nodded in return. “Thank you Buck… That… That means a lot.”
The closeness was making Buck have butterflies in his stomach, and he realized that maybe now, he would finally be able to indulge in that feeling. Eddie could also feel the nerves melting away from his body, being replaced by a different kind of nerves, something he hadn’t felt in a very long time. Looking at Buck, being close to him like this, being able to be vulnerable in his presence, he could only think of one thing he wanted to do, and this time around, his head wasn’t acting faster than his heart.
His hand reached for Buck’s face, Buck twitching slightly at the touch from being startled, but immediately relaxing into it. Eddie slowly inched his face closer, until their lips met once again. It wasn’t awkward and uncomfortable like earlier though. It felt nice and also comforting, their lips moving in unison as Eddie’s stomach exploded with billions of fireworks. All Eddie could feel, hear, think was Buck, Buck, Buck. After what felt like hours, they broke apart, their foreheads still close together, not wanting to separate more. They were both silent, just sitting there, holding each other, Eddie’s hand still on Buck’s cheek, Buck’s arm slinged across Eddie’s neck, his other resting on Eddie’s knee. It was a weird position, one that certainly shouldn’t have been comfortable, but Eddie felt like he could have stayed like this for an eternity. He felt safe.
Buck suddenly broke the silence, opening his eyes slightly, whispering. “Was that okay?”
Eddie let out a small laugh. “I should be the one asking you that. I kinda sprung up on you there.”
Buck pulled away more to be able to look at Eddie better, but still keeping his arm around the other’s neck. He flashed Eddie a huge smile.
“Yeah. That was okay.”
Eddie smiled in return. He hugged Buck, a sudden wave of gratitude washing over him.
“Can we talk more about this later? I just want to sit here for now.” Eddie whispered into Buck’s neck.
Buck nodded in return. “Of course. Whatever works for you.”
Eddie didn’t really know what would happen next. He was still scared and confused. He was unsure of his own feelings, still feeling a bit like a stranger to himself. He knew it would probably take a while before he could process everything and understand everything. But he also knew that it might just all be okay as long as he was with Buck. And that’s all that mattered to him.
***
A few months later…
“Hey Eddie, I have a question.” Buck spoke up.
“Hmm?” Eddie was currently laying on Buck’s stomach, the two of them watching TV on Eddie’s couch.
“What was that video you watched that made you have your gay awakening?”
Eddie hit Buck in the stomach lightly.
“Ouch, what the hell!”
“I told you to stop calling it that.” Eddie retorted.
Buck looked at him, at a loss for words. “What? That’s what it’s called!”
Eddie ignored him. “It was just a video on this channel… Smush? I think is the name of it. Some guy reading Reddit stories to 2 other people.”
Buck immediately realized what Eddie meant and a laugh escaped his mouth.
“What? Why the hell are you laughing?” Eddie got off of Buck, looking at him offended.
“Oh my god, you did not have a gay awakening from Smosh Reddit stories. Are you kidding me right now? Oh, I need to tell Ravi this.” Buck was still laughing, reaching for his phone in his pocket.
Eddie jumped on him, immediately grabbing Buck’s hand to stop him. “No! You are not saying that to Ravi. Buck, what is wrong with you?”
Buck didn’t even fight back, instead continuing to laugh until his stomach hurt. Eddie sat beside him, defeated but deciding to let him have his fun. After a few minutes, Buck finally calmed down, breathing loudly.
“Whew, oh man. That was a good laugh.” Buck smiled at Eddie. “Thanks for that.”
Eddie looked away, regretting ever telling Buck that. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
Buck moved towards Eddie, grabbing him and pulling him in a laying down position once again. Eddie let out a small yelp as he fell backwards, but then settled back into the position he was in without a spoken complaint, instead dramatically sighing.
“Well, I guess we really should thank Chris for watching that channel.” Buck gasped. “Oh my god, we should invite the people from Smosh at our wedding. They would totally love knowing they made us get together.”
“Oh my god Buck, we are not doing that.” Eddie replied, but he was smiling ear to ear.
“I mean the guy who tells the stories, what’s his name, Shayne? Right, he’s so good at retelling stories, he could even speak at our wedding! Oh, and they could even do some improv, the guests would love it! And…”
Eddie was shaking his head, listening to Buck’s mind go crazy with ideas, but he didn’t mind it. In fact, he thought that he definitely could settle for living like this for the rest of his life.