Chapter Text
It has been countless times that the young master asked him to stay till sleep claimed him. So many countless times, that only a small tug on the fabric of his butler suit is enough to convey the message, Sebastian would always understand it immediately. But somehow, it was different this time, Ciel grabbed his wrist, with a familiar yet abnormal voice, he said:
“Stay, tonight too, don’t go”
For some reason, that sounded so sharp, it was different from usual.
“Can you, not leave?”
He remembered, it sounded just like the other contractor that he made a contract with. Those who begged with such an eager voice, pleading him to stay with them. When that happens, Sebastian would think of the contrast between eager begging and fierce contract signing.
Ambitious wishes into soft tears, it was like
Delicious sweets into tasteless wax.
Dull, disgusting.
Sebastian never hesitated, he would instantly swallow the candy before it turned completely into wax.
But this boy seems different, his hand hesitated mid way when reaching to pick the bad apple. Even if it was wax, what if I could make it into some art? Indeed, even if it’s easily breakable and low solubility wax, he would take the time to carve it carefully, detail by detail, into the sculpture of his ideal.
The hand was still in mid air, feeling like something chaining him down, but the chain was loose, it was more rather just a hinder than a complete block. Yet, just by the thought that he could feel the weight weighing him down was strange.
I don’t understand
Why do I even hesitate? Why did I draw back?
Twas him himself that locked him himself that was reaching out to devour the young master.
I can’t get it straight, it’s so wrong, so abnormal. I want to ask someone.
So he looked up, what he could find wasn’t the answer expected, but the blue and violet heterochromia eyes that stared back. Those eyes that looked on him, only him, full of him. The eyes that held such trust.
Wait, no, that’s just absurd, the young master had never actually trusted him, right? Or at least he shouldn’t be. Sebastian knows that he’s just a demon that devours souls. He should neglect everything and just consume, consume carelessly, senselessly and mercilessly.
What are feelings anyways? There were indeed numerous human contractors who poured to him their feelings of love. But he can’t understand it, what does feelings even mean for humans? So many times he has seen them speaking about love while betraying each other. This duplicity that a demon can not understand, ah, that’s why humans are so disgusting.
Yet he does want to know the answer to the question about love.
So he focused back on the boy’s eyes, seeking any response, can the question be solved by him? They said that one’s eyes are the window to their soul, so by analysing those eyes, can he get an answer?
But the longer he looked into Ciel’s eyes, what only came in his mind were scenes when those eyes gave him orders, which he always replies calmly with a:
“Yes, my Lord”
But this time, he couldn’t say it, the response to the pleading command. The words trapped in his throat, not deciding to spill out or swallow. Should he follow that random emotion of not eating this boy’s soul? No, what the hell, he’s a demon, there is no such thing as emotions.
Ah, he’s hating it, hating it so much. Hating that he can’t just decide properly like he used to do. Hating that he’s slowly pushing the line that he used to set for himself as a demon. Hating that his reasons are trembling to fall out, and letting feelings take in. It’s like a war in there, two sides fighting, and it seems like the reason that he used to be so proud of is losing.
But he doesn’t have a heart, demons don't even have hearts.
How did it turn out this way, with this nonexistent heartache?
He remembers their first meeting, the boy whose eyes were just a complete void, lifeless, there was only existence of vengeance. Sebastian felt at ease, there wouldn’t be light, there never will be any, so he picked up the role as this frail young master’s butler; humans without light must be easy to manage.
But, somehow, somewhere, sometime, in that darkness lit up a light, it wasn’t only vengeance anymore. And plus, that light was himself. How strange, how could a demon’s corrosion be that human’s light?
If he is that light, how can he even blow it off?
Of course, Sebastian wants to pinch out the fire, yet at the same time, he wants to see it burning lighter, wider.
Sebastian came back to sense after all those thoughts, realizing he’s already pulling up the blanket on the young master. And stood beside the bed, following the orders that his master gave.
But behind him, his fists clenched until his nails left marks on the palm through layers of gloves.
Oh he hates the self that let that soul get away.
He raised his head to look at the culprit who caused all this. He hates this boy who made him so controversial inside. But what is actually buried under this ‘hate’? He could guess but not admit, that was what all those past contractors told him dearly:
— Attachment
How human, how complicated. However, if it was the young master, perhaps it’s not that bad…
Moonlight slid through the tiny crack of the curtains, it landed on the boy whose breaths slowed down to a steady pace. Following the order, Sebastian turned his heels to leave. But before posing his hand on the handle, he turned back. Back to his young master’s bed.
Leaning enough to his voice to reach the sleeping boy, knowing that he wouldn’t hear, he whispered the words that he never expected to say this softly, with such tone just like lovers at peak of their intimacy:
“Goodnight, my Lord”
…