Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Fushi is forever immortal, his life does not have an end, but that does not mean he never finds any joy in it.

His friends and family had all gone to live their own lives, do their own thing and accomplish their dreams, and Fushi was now content with letting them. The Nokkers were kept under control and living together among humans.

Fushi’s purpose had been erased, and he found himself slowly losing himself in that feeling of uselessness.

When Gugu had last called him he recommended him to try something new, and so that’s exactly how Fushi found himself in an art class.

It wasn’t the most interesting thing, but he thought it was fun, and he never needed to worry about forgetting an eraser or running out of pencil lead.

He also met a lot of new people in that class that Fushi had at first tried not to get close to knowing they would die, but in the end he got swept up in the art room talk.

“Hey, why don’t we head out for drinks after this class? Everyone’s almost done with this assignment anyways! My treat!” A girl sitting at the easel next to Fushi asked loudly, her name was Miyuki, she was very talented and came from a wealthy family who supported her dreams of going to art school and becoming a professional character designer.

She came to this art class after her regular university studies for fun since she also enjoyed traditional art, she would also often take all the others out for drinks or food afterwards as a way to relax.

Fushi looked up to her, despite being centuries younger than him, she felt kind of like a big sister, and he also looked up to her because of how talented she was.

A choir of agreements was heard from the tired artists.

“Why not.” Fushi, too, replied smiling.

The group enjoyed the night, drinking, eating and loudly complaining about their lack of money for paints and supplies, Fushi enjoyed each second of it, it might be the last meal he would have with some of these people after all, and Bon taught him that even one meal is enough.

He knew that the chances of something bad happening to these people was low, but still, he should enjoy it while he has the chance.

—-

The rays of light fell onto the eyelashes of the sleeping immortal, the apartment the Tasty Peach foundation had gotten him had large windows, and Fushi was often woken up by the warm sunlight in the morning.

He lay there unmoving for a while, as he enjoyed the warm light and comfy blankets. He felt human, if only for a moment.

A loud ringing echoed throughout the room. He sat up wiping his eyes and picked up the phone.

“Hello?” His voice came out much raspier than he intended.

“Fushi- I hope I didn’t wake you up, I would hate for this to be the first thing you hear in the morning” Fushi took a moment to identify the voice coming from his phone. It was the person who ran the painting class he took. His name was Izanagi, this was the first time he had ever called Fushi, thus explaining the unsaved number.

“No, no, don’t worry about it I’ve been awake for a while I just haven’t had anything to drink yet!”

“Oh- good then. Fushi, the reason I called is to tell you that class will not be held this week. I’m sure you’ve heard what happened, I think it’s best to give everyone some time…”

“What happened?” Fushi felt something heavy, like a brick, hit his heart. He wasn’t, by any means, ready for what he was about to be told.

“I’m sorry, but, Miyuki… she got in a car accident and was rushed to the hospital but… at around 5 am, she passed away. I’m sorry, Fushi.” Fushi took a moment to breathe, after which he confirmed it. He looked at his reflection on the black screen, it was Miyuki.

A tear dropped onto the screen lighting up the call interface again.

“Fushi, are you alright? I know you all got along well, I’m truly sorry for your loss”

“No, it’s not your fault, thank you for calling to tell me.”

“Ofcour-” Fushi pressed the end call button.

His hands were shaking, he remembered the thought he had had last night about it possib;y being his last hangout with someone. He never expected it would be Miyuki.

 

—-

A week had passed and Fushi found himself back in the art class. It was quiet. No one said anything and no one drew. They all just stood silent in front of their easels. Fushi looked to his right, at the empty seat that used to be Miyuki’s. Her canvas from that night was still there, a still life painting of a vase, a pomegranate and a cube. It was so beautiful, the colours were beautifully captured and portrayed, but there was an empty space.

Blank canvas peeped out from the middle of the unfinished pomegranate.

That painting… would stay unfinished forever. Miyuki had complained last night about not liking still lifes, especially fruit. Fushi tried his best to see it as a good thing that she never had to paint the pomegranate.

Someone snapped and threw a pencil on the floor, leaving the room in tears. He was followed by two of his friends who seemed worried.

“The assignment is due at the end of today, everyone. Miyuki-” A girl named Tamiko started talking before bursting into tears “Miyuki loved painting so we should continue doing it in her honour”

The studio started echoing with the sounds of paintbrushes hitting the edges of cups, of moving, sniffling and rustling. But no one spoke a word.

Fushi was looking at his painting in despair. He had no motivation to continue it. He was not like the others here who needed the certificate of finishing this art class for a job or university application. He was here purely because he was without a purpose in life.

He could always quit, he could fail, it wouldn’t matter.

Fushi quit the art class. He continued his purposeless life, alone. He didn’t want to bother the others so he didn’t call or visit. And perhaps because they were busy, the others didn’t call either.

He would sometimes get excited to see a phone call just to pick up and for it to be someone from his art class asking him why he quit, or if he was ok. He stopped picking up unknown numbers.

But one unknown number had been especially insistent.

After weeks of nonstop calls from everyone except who he wanted to get calls from Fushi started wondering if perhaps one of them got a new phone and was worried about him.

The call from that number came again, and this time, Fushi picked up.

“Hello?”
“Oh my, is this Fushi? We are sorry to bother you but I am Miyuki’s mom” Fushi froze.

“I thought the studio might have given me the wrong number considering how you never picked up…” The woman sounded cheerful, but not sincerely.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been busy. What can I help you with?” Fushi asked, he couldn’t imagine why Miyuki’s parents would call him of all people.

“Your name came up in our daughter’s will, it wasn’t officially notarised so we only found it a while after her death, but we wanted to honour it for her.”

 

Fushi was shocked “...My name was in there?”

“Mhm, she wanted to give you something, are you free to meet up anytime this week?”

“Yes! I’m free! Anytime, even now!” Fushi may have sounded desperate, but that’s because he was.

“Oh my, well, how about meeting in an hour at the diner south of the park, is that alright with you?’

“Yes! It’s fine, I’ll see you there.”

Fushi quickly began throwing clothes around, he couldn’t go there dressed in winter clothes, it was spring.

He got there half an hour early, and anxiously sat on the bench tapping his foot.

He then noticed a woman with a white blouse and lavender skirt walking towards him, in her hand was a big tote bag. He recognised that tote bag, it was Miyuki’s.

“You must be Fushi right? Why don’t we go inside?” The woman had dark circles under her eyes, and despite how she spoke with a smile, her voice sounded tired, something he had not noticed while on the phone.

“A cola for me, Fushi, would you like anything?” The two got seated at a table near a window and started ordering.

“Just a water for me please.” Fushi looked at the woman in front of him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t look very presentable right now, the reason I called you here was to give you something that once belonged to Miyuki, she wanted you to have it, along with a letter. She wrote something for all her friends, but she did not expect for it to be delivered so quickly.”

Fushi received the bag from the Miyuki’s mom, he looked inside and saw an expensive brush set, watercolours and a heavy hot pressed paper sketchbook, along with a letter.

He took the art supplies and the letter out and ripped the seal open, on it read:

“To my dear friend Fushi

Do you remember me? I never expected us to keep talking after we both finished with the class, but I hope we did, I hope you warm up to us.

When I first heard you only took the class as a hobby I was very shocked, you had a lot of potential, and you also progressed quickly. I wanted to give you some of my favourite art supplies, perhaps it’s because I hate seeing wasted talent, but I would hate for you to quit art. If only in my honour, please, put these supplies to good use

-Miyuki”

The letter had nothing else in it.

The whole thing felt unreal, this was the first time he had ever received a will.

“I’m not exactly sure what is written in there, I hope my daughter did not make any unreasonable requests” Miyuki’s mother said.

Fushi couldn’t do anything but shake his head, if he tried to talk he would probably just burst into tears, so many friends had died with or for him, and yet it did not make it any easier for him.

“If you need any financial support, we are willing to help you-”

“No need” Fushi cut her off, he had no intention to use this woman’s good will while knowing that Bon could give him money anytime he needed. He had also picked up a few part time jobs here and there when he had the time so he could earn some experience.

Fushi got up from the table and respectfully bowed to Miyuki’s mom, who seemed shocked at first before she smiled and wished him well.

The walk home was a slow one for Fushi, he would not waste time anymore. He would treasure each and every moment.

—-

 

Izanagi had been quite happy when Fushi called to ask him if he could come to class again, of course he had missed a lot and would have to catch up to the others, but he decided that an art career might not be so bad after all.

He had even contacted some of his classmates to ask for the prompts of the assignments he had missed, which he started working on at home right away.

And then, the day to go back to that class came, he only had a month until he would complete it and get his certificate, and then the people he spent 7 months painting with three times a week would all go their separate ways.

He would make sure to enjoy it.

He walked into that sunlit studio and set up at his easel, he was greeted by his peers and it all seemed to go so well.

He was filled in that they had already spent a few classes working on a full body study.

“The model should be here soon, but you should probably ask if he can stay a while longer after class so you can catch up!” one of his classmates named Katsuo said.

“Alright then-”

He turned around and created a new 4B pencil when no one was looking and set it next to the canvas, he hated sketching in paint even though that was the recommended way to work on canvas, he much preferred the control that came with using a pencil or graphite.

“Oh- hey Kahaku!” Fushi froze. He looked up quickly from his easel to see an all too familiar face.

It was Kahaku, the same Kahaku that had followed him into war. It was the same Kahaku who tried to help and ended up taking his forms. The same Kahaku who had died 600 years ago.

Kahaku hadn’t noticed him yet, he was chatting with one of the girls named Asami and taking his bag off. He was not dressed in the clothes that the Guardians had once worn, instead he was wearing a normal sweater and a normal pair of pants, with regular sneakers.

He didn’t look at all out of place.

Fushi quickly hid behind his easel, he realised just how hard carrying Miyuki’s will was, he wanted to run away now, without looking back, maybe change cities using Bon’s help-

But he didn’t want to keep relying on his friends, Bon was busy, and so were the others, where would he even go? He’d have to start over and meet new people all over again, and then he’d just lose more people and feel horrible again, and again, and-

In that moment, he really missed Tonari, and Gugu, he missed his friends.

He looked at the phone sitting on the table, and decided to let it be. He wouldn’t want to bother them, they were all surely busy.

He looked up once more, Kahaku had come out of the dressing room and had only a fabric draped over him, he continued hiding as much as he could behind his easel, drawing quickly and impatiently just to get this assignment over with.

The person to his left noticed his urgency and proceeded to laugh.

“Fushi, is this your first time drawing nudes? It’s alright if you’re embarrassed, we’ve all been there!” Fushi stopped in his tracks, he did not find much embarrassing about the human body, it was all just a vessel afterall, so the person, named Toshio, was entirely wrong.

“No no- it’s just, it feels weird to paint here without Miyuki, sorry if I was bothering you…”

Kahaku had heard that familiar name and looked closely at the person hidden behind the easel, the voice- that voice. Had he finally found him?

“Don’t worry, it took us all a while to get back on track with drawing too, you were closer to her than we were, sorry for your loss” Toshio was a nice person, he had always helped take some of the guys home when they got a bit too drunk, or he’d pay for the girl’s taxis when they stayed working in the studio too late into the night.

He was simply that kind of person, Fushi wasn’t surprised he reached out to him in worry. He plastered on a smile and reassured him.

“It’s alright, I’m sure Miyuki is drinking cocktails and painting clouds in paradise.”

Toshio gave a brief laugh to that.

“Hey Kahaku, turn your head back around to where it was! It’s messing up with the shadows on the chest!”

“Oh sorry-!”

—-

The allocated 4 hours of class had passed. Fushi had managed to not be noticed by Kahaku, at least he thought he didn’t.

That was all until-

“Hey Kahaku, sorry to ask this of you, but Fushi here has missed some classes due to privacy reasons, would it be alright to stay for a bit longer so he can catch up to the others? Just an extra hour or two after the next three lessons would be enough, if you don’t mind that is-”

Izanagi had stopped Kahaku when going to get dressed, Fushi really wanted to leave this body unconscious and just create a different body somewhere else. But he would worry Izanagi, and, surely this wasn’t the same Kahaku that he had known then, it was just a coincidence that they had the same name and face and appearance…

“Oh, I don’t mind” and voice…

“Alright then Fushi, can you close up the studio when you leave? I’ll be heading home soon.”

Fushi came up from behind the easel and took the keys from Izanagi. Kahaku had seemed to recognise him, but maybe he just looked similar to someone he knew?

“Sure- yea, be safe on your way back.”

And with that Izanagi left, and Fushi returned to his place behind the easel, he continues painting absent mindedly until Kahaku spoke up.

“It’s been a while…”

Fushi froze. His paintbrush fell out of his hand making an ugly streak across the canvas. He swore under his breath.

“...”

There was a prolonged silence in which Fushi quikly picked up the brush and worked on correcting his mistake.

“You’ve gotten the wrong person.” is all he managed to blurt out when he noticed Kahaku beginning to speak.

“Ah- I see”

And so, Fushi continued working in silence.

“...”
“...”

 

“Hey, do you think we could turn the heating on? I’m not exactly sure how to do that but I’m freezing” it was Kahaku who spoke again.

“Yea.” Fushi walked over to the heating and turned it on, the whirring of the boiler filled the empty silence, he walked back to his easel and picked up the brush.

“I’m sure I’m not mistaken, it’s you, isn’t it?” Fushi looked at Kahaku from behind the easel, he looked like he was about to cry. What should he do? Was this really the Kahaku he knew? How was he even alive?

“How…” Fushi muttered.

“Huh?”

“How are you here? How are you alive?” Fushi was the one about to cry now. It had been so long, he had already dealt with Kahaku’s death, and now it was brought up again so suddenly. He didn’t know how to deal with it now.

“So it is you! Fushi I-...I am so sorry.” A tear fell down Kahaku’s face as he apologised.

Fushi looked at his arm, instinctively. It was futile, he knew that now, Nokkers were so small that even if you wanted to, you wouldn’t be able to see them.

“Are you still with the Nokkers?”

“Huh- uh, what? Didn’t you kill all the Nokkers? Are there still more?”

Fushi was shocked at that, how had Kahaku known that, did his ghost hang around him during those 500 years?

“No, I failed. We coexist now under certain rules and laws, I thought you knew this considering your bloodline continued the Guardians and worshipping Nokkers.” Fushi spat out with malice.

“My bloodline? But I killed myself along with the church of Benet and the Nokker in my arm… How did any of them survive?” Kahaku spoke with certainty and did not seem to be lying.

“You…you killed yourself? How could you do that?!” Kahaku was taken aback by Fushi’s tone, it felt sad- no, it was something else.

“I- I had no other way to make up for my mistakes or to keep you safe, I- I’m sorry-”

“Don’t you dare apologise.” Fushi’s hands were trembling. He started to pack up his supplies and wiping the brushes.

“Wait- isn’t this class important to you?”

“I can retake it next year, I have time.” Fushi spat out.

“You might have time, but what about the others around you?” Fushi stopped at this, Kahaku was right, he was slipping back into his old mentality. He had time, but what about his classmates, what about his friends? None of them could wait for him forever. They would eventually get sick of him being an outsider to this world, of being so purposeless.

Fushi frowned and put the cloth he was wiping the brush with down.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you would be taking this class, I swear I didn’t take it intentionally” Kahaku wanted to continue the earlier discussion but the mood felt unfit, so he opted to apologise again, he had so much to apologise for.

“It’s fine. Can you get back into your original pose?”

“Oh- OH! Yea! My bad…” Kahaku started feeling flustered, he had completely forgotten the current situation. Part of him was happy that Fushi was painting him, Fushi was not the type to look at his face very much, even the last time he had seen him, Fushi looked at March, not at him.

He felt he was being immortalized in the best way possible, a part that could stay eternal along with Fushi.

“You never answered my question, how are you here?” Fushi asked. He was tired, his mood for painting ruined, but he still wanted to carry out Miyuki’s will.

“The black guy- he offered me a second chance after I died, he warned me that I would lose part of myself if I accepted, but… I couldn’t decline. I grew up without any of my memories of that time, I only got them back recently.” Kahaku explained slowly. He seemed hesitant to say anything more than that, so Fushi decided to let it go.

“Can we… be friends again?” Fushi froze again, at this point he would never finish his painting. He had barely started blocking in shadows and he was now asked to make a decision that might or might not make him suffer the same thing he did 600 years ago. To be erased, to have your memories, body and fye taken from you by someone you trust.

“I can’t answer that right now. I need time…”

“Alright.” Kahaku was smiling, it was more than nothing, it meant Fushi was considering becoming his friend again, despite everything. He didn’t deserve it, he knew that, but he wanted to make it up to Fushi. No- he had to make it up to him, no matter what.

Chapter Text

The next few art classes were quite interesting for Fushi, Kahaku would bring him baked goods, dolls and even bubble tea to drink while working, the others picked up on this and they often teased Kahaku for his obvious courting, and even poked fun at Fushi from time to time who seemed to be oblivious to this.

In truth, he was not oblivious, he knew Kahaku was trying to regain his favour, but he avoided any food and drinks due to his previous experiences with nokker filled water and even gave them to the others in class. Kahaku did not like that.

“Fushi, sorry for the other day I had no idea you already knew Kahaku, I wouldn't have said anything otherwise!” Toshio, to his left, said.

“We knew each other a long time ago, and we parted on bad terms… so I was just- surprised to see him.” Fushi didn't want to explain to anyone in this era what happened between him and Kahaku, it had taken all his mental strength to even tell his friends about it.

“Oh… I see” Toshio luckily left it at that, he stopped teasing both Kahaku and Fushi after that.

Fushi would paint during the class hours, and after that he'd paint some more to catch up. He'd go home mentally exhausted, he could change forms when he was alone with Kahaku, but he didn't feel entirely safe doing that yet, so he'd get home and instantly remake his body.

The next class would be the last one he'd have to stay with Kahaku overtime, after that he'd finish the painting and he would be done with it altogether.

He walked into the brightly lit room and started preparing his supplies, two girls further near the wall were chatting away. Kahaku was not there yet. Fushi got set up and took the foil of his painting, they were allowed to paint the background in any colour since the assignment was just about the human body, and he chose a crimson red that reminded him of the cloak the guardians used to wear.

He took a moment to look at the entire painting, there really wasn't much left to do, he might not even need to stay after the class to finish it. Had Miyuki been here, she would've already been making plans for them to go out for drinks that night.

The painting looked decent, and you could tell it was Kahaku. His classmates were definitely more talented than him, but Fushi was proud of the progress he made during the months he was taking the course.

“I- that looks amazing!” Fushi jumped out of his skin, he was so focused that he didn't even notice Kahaku coming up behind him.

“I'm not that good yet, sorry…” Fushi felt like had Kahaku had more time and been more respected, artists of his time would've painted the Guardian that had been comrades with him. But because he was a man, and because of his failure in protecting Fushi he was a black stain on the bloodline’s record.

“No-no it's amazing! It reminds me of the paintings of my ancestors that my family used to have on the wall…” Kahaku replied almost as if he read his thoughts.

“Your family kept paintings of your ancestors on the wall? Ha! That's so weird!” one of their classmates said.

Kahaku gave a chuckle, he didn’t seem to mind the comment.

“Yea his family is weird.” Fushi muttered under his breath, and some people around him, including Kahaku, picked up on it.

“...”

Kahaku said nothing and the others backed away back to their easels out of awkwardness.

Toshio looked at Fushi strangely. Who knew what other sort of misunderstanding he had gotten. Whatever it was, Fushi did not have the energy to correct it.

—--

4 hours later, all of them were done, some were adding small finishing details, while others were scrolling on their phones in boredom, and Kahaku had already left his post to get dressed since he was no longer needed.

“Hey, why don't we go out for drinks, like old times? after this we only have two smaller assignments, we should celebrate!”

The others, who seemed to all be waiting for this, sprung up, agreeing readily at the proposal.

Kahaku walked out and saw the many artists quickly packing up.

“Hey Kahaku! Do you wanna come with us? We're going out to drink to celebrate finishing this assignment!”

“Uh-” Kahaku looked towards Fushi while pointing at himself “Can I come?”

…

The entire room went silent again.

“Why are you asking me? Do whatever you want.” Fushi was baffled, why would he even ask him? He didn't even organise the outing.

The whole room went quiet for a moment before everyone started poking fun at Kahaku, Fushi walked out and to the bathroom to wash his paint brushes and palette (and to ignore the remarks)

—-

Eventually they all packed up and went to the place Miyuki used to take them too, and they all left the seat she would have usually taken empty, even buying one extra cocktail to place at that seat for her, Fushi hadn’t contacted Bon to see if her spirit was still lingering around, but he hoped she was so that she could see how much everyone cared about her.

Kahaku had sat down next to Fushi, which had gotten some eyerolls and “ooh’s” from the others, Fushi couldn’t help but feel like he was back in highschool, except the people here weren’t as mean.

“Fushi, are you getting anything to drink?” Kahaku was already sipping on a Sangria and the others had ordered beer and a variety of other drinks, already ordering seconds as well.

“No, I’m not much of a drinker” Fushi didn’t like the taste of alcohol, and he also detested the idea of being drunk and defenseless, even in this peaceful era, he couldn’t shake off that feeling of being at war.

“Ohh come on Fushi I ordered one for you too~” one of their classmates said as the waiter came again and placed drinks in front of everyone.

“Don't worry Fushi,I- I'll drink it!” Kahaku instantly took the drink that was placed in front of Fushi. He downed it quickly, earning the laughs of the others.

In the end, the others kept buying drinks for Fushi just to see how much Kahaku would drink for him, at one point even Fushi started wondering just how much Kahaku could drink until he quit.

The answer was that he didn’t know when to quit. Kahaku had drank everything and anything that was alcoholic and placed in front of Fushi to the point he couldn't even stand up on his own afterwards, and because of the fact they already knew each other, everyone assumed Fushi knew where Kahaku lived. He didn't.

He tried explaining that he didn't know where Kahaku lived but almost everyone else was either drunk, or taking care of someone drunk, and he didn't feel comfortable with letting Kahaku go home on his own in this state.

“I think I'll leave now, Kahaku shouldn't drink another drop, and it's getting late” And so, Fushi decided that getting out of the pub was the best choice for now.

—-

After the two left, conversations started at the table.

“Hey so like, what do you think is the deal with those two?” One of their classmates named Toru asked, he drank some wine but he was far from drunk, but the curiosity in him was eating him up.

“I'd bet they're exes who broke up for some really crazy bullshit reason!” a girl named Akemi said.

“Ouhh didn't Fushi say something about Kahaku’s family being crazy or something?” someone else asked.

“Oh my god! I remember that! it was sooo awkward” Akemi exclaimed. She was pretty tipsy and still drinking.

“Do you think his family did something so they broke up? Like some crazy mother in law situation?”

“We should totally bet on it!”

“Maybe we shouldn't bet on someone's love life? Plus it's obvious Fushi still has some lingering feelings about it” Toshio who had talked briefly with Fushi about it tried to calm the situation down, he did not drink at all that night and was sober as could be.

“That's no fun! I'm putting my bet down now! I think Kahaku’s mother was crazy or something!”

“Yea! Maybe she was homophobic!”

“Why are we assuming it's a mother in law? I'm betting it's Kahaku’s dad who did it!”

“Wait guys-!” No one listened to Toshio who was trying to stop the betting.

“Nuh-uh! I bet it's not about his family, it's something between the two of ‘em I can smell it! I’m putting 3000 yen on it!”

Toshio sighed as the wave of drunken bets came in.

—-

Fushi went into the elevator of his apartment building and changed his form to regain his stamina. He was still carrying Kahaku. He had tried asking Kahaku what his address was but Kahaku was unable to answer, and after searching his pockets he also couldn't find an id.

He opened the door to his apartment and carried Kahaku over to his bed. The living room was extremely cold during the night, and Fushi could just transform into Joan and not feel the cold, but that wasn’t the case for Kahaku.

Kahaku seemed have woken up from the impact of hitting his head on the bed and started mumbling to himself.

“I'm gonna go now, do you need anything before I leave?” Fushi didn't expect an answer but Kahaku did look at him after he said that, as if trying to form a sentence.

“Warm.” In the end he could only form a word though.

Fushi realised that Kahaku was still wearing his jacket and probably felt very warm, so he tried to take it off just for Kahaku to grab hold of his arm, which made him lose balance and fall on top of Kahaku.

Kahaku regretted that decision very quickly as Fushi’s elbow hit him right in the stomach making him sober up a little.

Fushi got up and grabbed Kahaku’s jacket, which he had managed to get off somehow, and folded it nicely, putting it down on the armchair in the corner of the room.

“Fushi …”

Fushi turned around to see Kahaku looking at him. In turn he walked over and sat down by the bed.

“Hm?” Fushi could ask Kahaku anything and he'd likely answer, he could find out why Satoru gave him a second chance without ever telling him about it, or he could ask how Kahaku got his memories back. But he didn't ask anything. He would never betray his privacy like that.

“That time… I'm sorry”

“You've already apologised, why are you doing it again?”

“I just-” Kahaku was gathering his words in that moment, he didn't know how to put it in words properly and yet, he still felt the need to tell Fushi this. “You should hate me, you should say ‘I told youu soooo!’... but you aren't…” Kahaku’s frown was deep, as if this was some sadness he harboured for centuries, in a way, maybe that was the case.

Fushi presumed he was talking about when the Nokker in his arm took his forms.

“I'm not going to hold a grudge for something that happened that long ago… It is hard for me to be near you but- you were still my friend. I wouldn't hate you for something you didn't mean to do.” Fushi wondered if Kahaku got even half of what he said considering how unfocused Kahaku’s eyes looked.

“Did you know… before it happened… I was planning to kiss you. That was my intention, don't you at least hate me for that?”

Fushi sighed, at the time he might not have understood it, but as time went by and he reflected on his past he did realise there were a lot of romantic advances aimed towards him that he hadn't understood at the time.

“That's also not your fault, it was Hayase’s bloodline at fault, all the ancestors that came before you had had the same attraction towards me.”

“I-” Kahaku looked saddened by that.

Fushi had always seen love as something unnecessary since any person he would ‘love’ would die anyways, or be used against him by the nokkers, but now he lived in a peaceful era, one where he could make the people close to him immortal if he so wished. And yet, he still didn't see much point to it.

“Please, don't think about my intentions as just ‘something belonging to my bloodline’, I can assure you my feelings were sincere! I fell in love with you because I knew you.”

It's true that Kahaku was the only successor other than Mizuha who actually became friends with him, but it was still hard for him to imagine that Kahaku would actually have honest feelings.

And for a second Fushi just wanted to push Kahaku away, to see how he would react, he wasn't being childish this time, it was just pure curiosity!

“That’s right, you knew me, what if in the time you were gone I became a horrible person?” Fushi was angry, maybe at himself, maybe at Kahaku, he didn't quite know. He was mostly just unreasonably, stupidly angry.

“I know you couldn't, y-you don't need to know everything about a person to understand them. And I don't need to know what you've done the past few centuries to know you're still you.” Fushi was taken aback.

A long silence tore away at his ears. The two sat in silence like that for what seemed like years, not seconds. Kahaku’s ears turned red and he tore his gaze away, as if afraid his eyes would make a hole through Fushi.

For just a moment, Fushi thought that maybe, it would be ok for him to trust Kahaku, maybe it would be ok to let the pool of sorrow that he'd carried with him for centuries drip away slowly. Maybe it, like poison, has been clouding his judgment for far too long.

The only thing holding him back? Fear. Not having his forms taken, no, he had been lying to himself about that perhaps. He was afraid of feeling betrayal again. He had never truly experienced the betrayal of a friend. In truth, he was most of all terrified of Kahaku leaving again without a word just to die off somewhere without even leaving a body behind to bury.

Fushi wasn't a mature person, he was nothing like Tonari, or Bon, he was not like his friends who knew what to do in all situations, he was irascible, he was childish and he was, most of all, an idiot who couldn't handle having his beliefs challenged at any point without bursting into a fit of anger at himself.

He knew all this, so he, with all the will in the world, try to see the situation in front of him objectively. What would Tonari do? She wouldn't forgive Kahaku, Gugu would tell him to do what he's most comfortable doing, Bon would probably tell him to think rationally and do what's in his best interests and Messar… would probably mock him.

He could only look at Kahaku, straight faced, he was afraid to look at Kahaku’s expression, but surprisingly, Kahaku’s eyes were widened, his lips almost forming a pout, he had a face full of determination and anticipation.

“I-” Fushi started. “I'm not good with things like this but… I-” His words were stuck in his throat, choking any sense of sentence he might have had.

“I can't forget what happened, and to be honest with you, even if I could, I don't want to.” Kahaku looked at him like he was just told he kicked a puppy, he shamefully lowered his head, looking like he wanted to hide under Fushi’s covers.

“But, that doesn't mean I can't forgive you.” Kahaku looked up, excitement- no, pure joy written on his face. “I will forgive you and be your friend on one condition though.”

“What is it? I'll do anything!” Kahaku would have jumped off the bed if he wasn't still feeling the effects of the endless bottles of alcohol he downed.

“You can't just leave. No matter what happens, if you leave, no matter how many times you come back, I will never let you in my life again, understood?” Fushi looked at Kahaku, studying him to see if he's react in any way.

Kahaku’s eyes were filled with stars, he looked like a man who just won the lottery. His eyes were beginning to droop, as if finally relieved of the trouble keeping him awake.

“I promise you, I will never leave again” And with that, Kahaku was out cold.

And so, Fushi got up, and as he was closing the door to his bedroom he murmured a small, insignificant “Good”. No one would hear it but him, but to Fushi, it solidified their deal.

Chapter Text

Kahaku woke up and instantly burst up from where he was laying, running towards the closest door which, to his fortune, happened to be a bathroom. He started spewing out any and all contents he had eaten yesterday, which wasn’t too much.

His hair was getting in the way but he didn’t have the energy nor the will to move it out of his face, maybe he should’ve stopped drinking earlier last night… no scratch that he definitely should have stopped earlier.

His head was pounding and he felt a sort of dizziness that you’d only feel when the swing you’re on goes a few centimeters too high for comfort. His insides were lurching and he felt like he might just puke again.

After regaining his bearings just a little bit he realised the toilet he was puking in looked different to his. He only then noticed that he was, in fact, not in his own bathroom, but in someone elses- and then, it hit him.

His and Fushi’s conversation from last night all came back to him, his stomach flipped again and- oh god, oh- Fushi had agreed to be his friend again-

What if Fushi walked in on him puking in his precious toilet while looking like he got run over and instantly decided he didn’t actually want to befriend him again-?

What would Kahaku do t-

A knock, and then a second, and then a third. Kahaku was raised awake from his spiraling and looked up towards the door to the bathroom.

“Are you alright in there?” It was Fushi, and by god did Kahaku totally not panic. He was totally calm, and collected and not scrambling to flush the toilet and wash his face and hands in the sink- very nonchalant.

“Sorry- I’m all good!” He opened the door, perhaps just a little too quickly, just to come face to face with Fushi, who looked very skeptical.

“Do you want me to make you some painkillers…?” Fushi extended his hand where a box of painkillers appeared.

He took the box from Fushi’s hand and started opening it “Ah…. thank you.”

“You can keep the rest of the box, I can just make more.”

Fushi walked away and outside the bedroom. Kahaku followed him, not exactly sure what to do, and then Fushi turns around, offering him a glass of water. Kahaku takes it and swallows a painkiller, emptying the cup with a sigh of relief and contentment. He hadn’t realised just how parched he was until he actually drank some water, and suddenly he felt a whole lot better.

“You look a bit pale, maybe you should sit down.” Fushi led him to the living room.

He hadn’t had the chance to look around much, but now feeling his head clear up a little bit he looked closer at his surroundings. The living room was not very big, but it was spacious enough that there was plenty of walking room between all the furniture. The couch, which was a purple-ish gray-ish kind of colour, was pushed against a halfwall that connected to an arch which led to the kitchen, and in front of said couch there was a cute little coffee table.

The furniture on the opposite wall of the couch was wood, matching in shade with the dark coffee table, and it had a hollowed out space in the middle where a big tv screen sat, turned off. The shelves had a few trinkets and decorations on them and a few fake vines that were seemingly just there to collect dust.

The big windows that stretched from floor to ceiling were what blew Kahaku away though. The apartment was clearly situated around one of the higher floors of a tower building, somewhere around floor 10 or 12, and the view from those windows? Well, to say the least it made Kahaku stop in his tracks just to gape.

The sun was still slowly rising over the buildings, painting them in orange. An orange that closely resembled hot, burning iron. From these windows you could see the park, and you could also see the top of a statue in the city square. It was a humble compliment to say the view was stunning.

“You’ve been staring outside for a while, is something wrong?” Kahaku jumped out of his skin, Fushi had made his way back next to him when he wasn’t looking, Kahaku’s gaze shifted, instead settling on Fushi.

Fushi had been Kahaku’s first, and only, (failed) love, he thought that for the sake of his friendship with him he would discard those feelings, but now, looking at Fushi’s face illuminated by the rising sun, he couldn’t help but feel those feelings resurfacing.

—-

Fushi tilted his head, Kahaku had been silent, and he was beginning to wonder if he was still drunk, or if the hangover was worse than he thought…

Kahaku turned away quickly as if he just realised what he was doing and said “There’s nothing wrong, I was just admiring the view- I don’t mean you I mean the buildings- not that you’re not worth admiring it’s just-!” Kahaku rambled for a moment before he said something else that would make him look asinine.

Fushi couldn’t help the small smile pulling at his lips, he found the rambling very funny, Kahaku didn’t.

“Just sit down already- I’m gonna make you some breakfast before you go so that you don’t faint on your way back home.” Fushi said as he was going back to the kitchen.

“Are you sure you don’t need help with anything?” Kahaku started walking towards the kitchen instead of sitting down, and as he was trying to take his next step he felt something latch around his foot. The fake plastic vine from before had coiled around his ankle.

“Just go sit down already- you drank yourself to a blackout yesterday.”

Kahaku, begrudgingly sat down on the couch, slowly listening to Fushi work in the kitchen. He then realised his phone wasn’t on him, he didn’t see his jacket anywhere either.

“Fushi?” Fushi hummed in acknowledgement “Have you seen my coat… or my phone?”

“In the bedroom, on the armchair in the corner, I’ll get it for you, just stay put” Fushi answered with a sigh.

A few moments later, another plastic vine rolled out of the bedroom, holding his jacket. Kahaku grabbed it and the vine retreated back to the room. He searched his pockets, retrieving his phone and opening it to a bunch of missed calls from his parents.

He was lucky enough to be born into a loving family this time around, one that's not a cult. A family that loved him unconditionally instead of blaming him for things outside of his control, one who didn't disown him after his death for his sins.

Kahaku had the chance to grow up in normalcy. He had another chance at life, to learn, to grow, to become someone good. He remembers his past life like shards of glass cutting away at the carefully embroidered tapestry he made in this new life, one that didn't have Fushi at the centre.

Nausea settled in at the thought of him from before. His memories had been fuzzy, but after seeing Fushi again, it all came back. Maybe it was uncharacteristic of the old him, or even selfish, but he wished he had not met Fushi again. His new life had been peaceful, nothing like the chaos that had overrun his life from before.

He could hear Fushi hum a song slowly from the kitchen and suddenly his stomach made a move as if he would puke again. He clasped his hand against his mouth.

“Are you alright?” Fushi’s concern did not make Kahaku feel any better. His mind was being ripped apart.

“Just the hangover, don't worry.” he picked his phone back up “I have to call my parents, they're worried about me, I'll go into the bedroom for a moment if that's alright”

Fushi hummed affirmatively again and Kahaku got up and walked back into the bedroom. He slumped against the closed door. He looked at his phone screen and he pressed the call button.

—

Fushi was not worried about Kahaku. There was no reason to be worried, he had seen plenty of hangovers, some even worse than this. Living with Messar had its benefits.

He could hear Kahaku talking with his mother on the phone in the other room, he was assuring her. A small smile tugged at his lips. He supposes that perhaps some good did come from everything.

At least, Kahaku was able to be a normal young adult, having lived the life of a normal child. The tune he was humming became a bit more cheerful.

He finished mixing the porridge. He took a ladle and poured some in a bowl. The steam rising gently over the fresh food in the sun’s morning light made him feel oddly nostalgic, perhaps for a childhood he never had, or maybe for a past memory he could not quite recall right now.

The dinner table was dark, the contrasting white bowls clinking as they hit it's surface. He placed spoons next to the two bowls, stepping away to stare at the table that hasn't had visitors in a few too many weeks.

‘His friends were busy’ is what he told himself. It's what he always told himself, but he was getting tired of getting used to the silence of his apartment. He was exhausted from the feeling of loneliness, his eyes were always searching for the traces of familiar faces at every turn, his mind no longer focused on the world around him but at the imaginary encounters he could have with his friends.

He looked at the two bowls. When was the last time he ate with someone?

He sat down.

He looked at the window, the sun was already above the horizon, Kahaku had not come out of the room yet, was his mother pestering him for spending the night out even though he was an adult?

Would his mother have done the same if he actually had one? March had never been one to scold him, and the Satoru never really cared much about anything other than Fushi’s ‘purpose’...

Would he have spent nights out drinking with friends as a teenager? Coming back home late in the night to be greeted by two figures waiting for him angrily?

Would they have made him warm food just like the one in front of him? would they have taken days off from work to tend to him while sick, or call him every hour to make sure he's ok?

Fushi couldn't get sick. He just remade the body if it got sick, so it didn't really matter.

The bedroom door opened, Kahaku looked more tired than before for some reason.

He stopped in front of the table staring at it for a moment before sitting down and thanking Fushi for the food. Fushi wondered what Kahaku thought of when seeing the two bowls, did he think of the last time he had dinner with his family? Or did he remember a fond memory like a shared dinner with someone dear?

The two began eating in silence. And Fushi came to accept that he'd never know what that was like, and that he'd never know what Kahaku was thinking in that moment.

Chapter Text

Fushi got back into the rhythm of painting and working everyday, with no time to think about Kahaku.

His painting class was over, instead now replaced by his own preparation for the entrance exam at the university in their city..

The exam had two stages, one where your only allowed medium was charcoal or graphite, usually also a still life, and a painting exam. The themes would be revealed on the day of the exam.

So, Fushi would go to work, come home to eat or rest, he'd then paint for a while, and then repeat.

He didn't technically need rest, but he remembers the exhaustion that came with not being able to sleep for days on end, he did not want to repeat that, so even if he didn't sleep, he still took moments of rest. It was enough.

His days were black and white, no thoughts of his friend, no distractions, just preparation and necessities. The world was in and out of focus, shifting colours, he didn't feel anything during this time. He couldn't afford to.

Routine washed over his life again like a bucket of ice water on a hot day. Or at least that's what he told himself.

He was walking home from work.

He was exhausted.

He was becoming tired of everything.

…

But- whenever he'd set the table, a small ache, or maybe a tug, or maybe just instinct, told him that he should call Kahaku over to share a meal.

He had enjoyed their conversation, and Fushi had cleared up some of Kahaku's foggy memories.

It was the first time in a long time that Fushi talked with someone who knew he was immortal, and whom he shared a past with.

His head started aching more often.

…

And sometimes when painting a portrait he'd wonder if he should paint Kahaku’s portrait properly sometimes.

His eyes seemed to hurt too.

…

And there were moments when he would see a toy in a store window on his way home and think about March. Or a birthday card with a bottle on it reminding him of Messar.

His ears were ringing more lately.

…

He'd walk home through the crowd and see someone wearing a suit that is in just the right shade of purple that Bon would love.

Or he'd see Gugu’s mask at stands preparing for the festival they made, and he'd be reminded of how much time had actually passed.

His feet ached from walking everywhere.

…

Small moments of silence sometimes meant remembering those who were gone and couldn't be brought back. The memories of them made Fushi’s chest ache. His steps faltered as he walked the streets deep in thought.

His chest felt tight with anger- no, disappointment? He didn't know.

He failed so many people… How many lives could have been saved had he known he could bring people back from the beginning?

His vision started blurring.

Fushi walked faster.

And then faster.

And then-

He knocked into someone. A hand was placed on his shoulder gently pushing him away. He couldn't look up at the person he bumped into. Silence settled over the empty street they were on. He just shrugged their hand off and continued running despite the fact he heard the person talk for a moment.

He didn't understand any of the words.

The ringing in his ears was getting louder.

The person gave chase. Did Fushi anger them somehow by knocking into them? They didn't seem mad at first…

And then it got louder…

Fushi slipped into an alleyway and changed forms. He changed into the first person who came to mind.

He looked at his reflection in a puddle, the alleyway was dark but enough light came from the streetlights outside that he could faintly see Miyuki’s face in the water.

Then it all stopped.

The quiet was deafening, his head ached terribly.

He had never changed into her.

Why did he change into her?

He felt the bile first and then it all came down.

A small, but cold droplet of water crashed down on his head from the rain pipes above, forming ripples in his mind.

He couldn't handle the pressure. He couldn't handle being someone else and never being himself. Even his preferred appearance was only just a shell, someone else's body.

He changed back. He didn't know what to change into. He was too scared to turn into an inanimate object, because he couldn't turn back if he did.

He slumped on the wet ground in that alleyway, not caring much about the dirt.

A pair of footsteps walked in the alleyway. Fushi had no more energy to look up. The person, now squatting in front of Fushi, seemed to start having features again instead of being a formless lump.

Fushi recognised the voice before he recognised the face.

“I feel like we've been in this predicament before-” Kahaku said nervously, a laugh hanging off his tone.

He seemed hesitant to reach out for a moment, before he grabbed Fushi’s slumped form off the wall, picking him up.

“Sorry for this, but I'd rather you get mad at me then to abandoned you in some alley…”

Fushi felt the warmth capture his everything.

He inexplicably felt safe. Why?

He couldn't give an answer, his consciousness was slipping away.

His muscles relaxed, and for the first time in months, Fushi actually fell asleep properly.

—

After eating and talking for a while, Kahaku felt well enough that he went home. He truly appreciated that Fushi let him stay at his place. It must have taken a lot of trust from him.

Kahaku giggled internally like a highschool girl. Fushi trusted him! He almost skipped down the street.

But that was it. They exchanged numbers but Kahaku could hardly bring himself to say anything, what would he even say?

“Hi thanks for agreeing to be my friend again and trusting I won't try to murder you!” or
“Hi thanks for letting me crash at your place after I obsessively drank everything so you wouldn't have to!!”

Kahaku groaned and dragged his palm down his face. The endless thoughts racing in his mind made it hard to focus.

He was almost home.

His parents got him his own apartment closer to his university. He was currently studying physics and taking on odd side jobs such as modeling to earn money.

He'd been a barista, a waiter, a model hell he was even a clown for a festival once! He had a pretty good sum of money already saved up and he was still working for more.

His parents did offer to cover his living expenses, and give him money, but he didn't want to rely on them so much, he knew it'd be better to have his own money as well.

And perhaps his intuition was right anyway, he might not have met Fushi again if he didn't take on that odd job in the first place.

He doesn't know if their meeting was a blessing or a curse, but he was grateful he was at least able to make amends with Fushi, if not for his sake, at least for Fushi’s sake.

—

It was dark out, the smell of the rain from yesterday was still heavily present.

Kahaku was just on his way to a hangout with some friends from high school when Fushi knocked into him and then proceeded to continue running without even acknowledging his greeting or looking at him.

He, of course, ran after him. Did he make some mistake again? Why did Fushi ignore him? Was something wrong?

His mind raced anxiously, he was terrified of the possibilities.

He turned a corner into the alleyway he had seen Fushi go into, just to see him slumped on a wall next to what looked like puke…

He had crouched down in front of Fushi, feeling an odd sense of Deja Vu when seeing his exhausted face.

“I feel like we've been in this predicament before-” He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The situation was almost exactly the same as it was back then, the only thing missing was the blood on his face and the Nokker in his arm.

He picked Fushi up, muttering to himself and then slowly started heading back the way he came.

Only after returning home did he write a few short words in a message, apologising to his friends for not being able to make it.

He didn't regret it though.

—

Fushi felt the smell of cologne as he was sleeping, it wasn't overwhelming, it was a nice scent.

He slowly opened his eyes. The light felt too bright, he pulled the blanket over his eyes-

He pinched the fabric of what he had initially thought was a blanket. It was leather.

Fushi got up and looked around, realising he was not in his own bed, but in someone else's.

“...”

Although he was covered with a blanket, there was also a leather jacket on top. Perhaps that's where the smell of cologne came from?

The bed was small, but soft. The room was getting a small bit of sun that seemed to unfortunately only fall exactly where Fushi’s eyes had been.

By the position of the sun and the many buildings outside the window it seemed that this time of day was the only time this apartment ever got any sunlight.

He shuffled out of the bed, searching for his phone. It was on the night stand next to the bed, but it seemed to have died over night.

‘Just my luck…’ he thought.

He sighed turning around and heading to the door.

He put his ear up against it, hearing movement outside.

Forgetting to care about his own safety, he decided to open the door.

The smell of chicken instantly wafted through the air of the small bedroom.

The small rays of sunlight still floating through the dark and moody apartment instantly caught Fushi’s attention.

It was the kind of simple scene that you could never paint properly. The small bits of dust visible only in the ray of sun light, the way the colour of it shifted, the warm ambience light that came from the lamps that were turned on even though it was daytime…

(he supposed he could excuse the energy waste since the apartment barely got natural light)

And most importantly, the model at the centre of it all. Behind the lights, but not unaffected by them, wiping his sweat off with a rag.

Strands of hair were caught on the rolled up sleeve, pushing them up slightly. His pitch black hair was damp, like he was in a shower not long ago but his hair was already half dry.

His lips were parted slightly in something akin to a combination between mild frustration and a sigh.

His other hand was stirring food in a pan, and his outfit was extremely ordinary. A simple dark green long sleeved shirt that hugged his features perfectly, the folds creating dramatic shadows.

He had an apron on, which tied tightly around his waist, creating an interesting silhouette. And his pants were black, simple, and straight making him look tall.

He couldn't have looked any more ordinary, but Fushi's breath got caught in the image. He wished his phone wasn't dead so he could take a picture. Even still, a photo couldn't do justice to the serenity of the scene.

The entire room seemed to scream of peacefulness. It was that kind of ironic one-in-a-lifetime scene you get to witness once and then remember for eternity. (especially in Fushi’s case)

Fushi wanted, for the first time in his life, to paint something. This wasn't a sense of duty to not worry his friends or some guilt about getting into university because of Miyuki- no.

It was pure, simple and raw desire to paint. To put pencil to paper, to mix just the right colours to capture the red hue of Kahaku’s skin in the lighting or the dark green shirt he was wearing.

For the first time since he began painting, Fushi felt disappointed that his skills weren't good enough to capture a scene perfectly.

His hand twitched as if wanting to make a brush right then and there.

—

Kahaku turned his head around.

There in the doorway of his bedroom stood Fushi l, who was staring at him wide eyed…Perhaps it was a trick of the light but there was a certain spark in his eye.

His brows furrowed, was Fushi uncomfortable that he had brought him home, or that he had let him sleep in his bed? Although Fushi did the same when he had been drunk so he thought it would be alright…

He put the wooden spoon he was using to mix the vegetables and meat in the pan down, running a hand through his hair as he fully turned around to ask Fushi what was wrong.

They both spoke at the same time.

“Are you alright? What happened-”

“Can I paint you again?-”

Both of them stopped. Kahaku processing Fushi’s words felt like a bucket of ice water was thrown on him. Not in a refreshing way.

“You want to paint me again?!” His face became red at the thought. Was Fushi pitying him over what he said before in the studio about his portrait? Or maybe-

Fushi stumbled to find the words, but after a small while he sighed.

“Nevermind- please forget what I just said!” He walked forward next to Kahaku, who backed up a bit, feeling flustered at the sudden proximity.

Fushi leaned in closer, making Kahaku pull away even more.

Fushi looked at the contents of the pan, smelling it and smiling. Kahaku sighed in relief at seeing Fushi was just curious about the food.

“I was wondering if I smelled right, you made this once for dinner before the war!” Fushi seemed to regain some of his energy just from recalling the fond memory of a meal he had so long ago.

Kahaku’s heart softened at seeing Fushi so gleefully turn around to find a seat while ranting about Kahaku’s food from hundreds of years ago.

His heart was still pounding out of his chest, barely starting to calm down as he set the plates on the table.

He was only half listening to Fushi talk. He was more enamored with the fact Fushi had clearly just rolled out of bed, a strand of his hair still sticking upwards. He hadn't noticed it before because he was so taken aback by Fushi’s question.

What did Fushi really mean by painting him again? Did he need a model in preparation for the upcoming exam?

After putting two glasses on the table accompanied by a water pitcher and a carton of apple juice he walked behind Fushi’s chair.

Fushi was still talking about a memory of when Kahaku had cooked dinner and accidentally served something that Hairo couldn't eat, only slightly glancing up at Kahaku who had made his way behind him without interrupting his story.

Kahaku started brushing Fushi’s hair with his fingers. Only then did Fushi stop for a few moments before resuming his story.

Kahaku combed through the knots and the hairs sticking up slowly and gently, not wanting to tug at Fushi’s hair.

He hummed in affirmation from time to time, adding his own perspective of the memories he had to the story when he could. Fushi’s hair was by no means messy anymore, but Kahaku continued to brush through it, and Fushi didn't say anything about it.

It was only when Fushi finished his story and reached out to pour himself a glass of apple juice, that Kahaku stopped playing with Fushi's hair.

The glass was filled quickly with the drink and as Fushi returned to his original place he realised Kahaku hadn't moved. He lifted his head up to look at him.

“If you need a model, I wouldn't mind if you painted me again” Kahaku had a gentle smile on his face. His eyes looked so soft you could probably fall through them like clouds.

Fushi was left speechless for a moment. His lips parted in surprise.

“Alright...” A smile tugged at Fushi’s lips, but he didn't let it go far. (He was scared to)

Kahaku sat down and they ate, forgetting about the topic, instead talking about other strange memories the two had forgotten. Fushi laughed all morning while sharing a breakfast he hadn't had in centuries, with a friend whom he hadn't seen in centuries.

The sweetness was just as he remembered, and he wasn't even referring to the food.

—

Fushi almost didn't want to go home. It was a Saturday and he could hardly fathom going home to paint and or just sit around, so, he did what any other reasonable person would do in this situation.

He panicked. Again.

Except this time, Kahaku was there to ground him.

Kahaku had gone to wash the dishes, Fushi wanted to be a proper guest and bring his own plate to the sink, offer to do the dishes or clear the table and then leave after thanking Kahaku for letting him stay-

Or at least that was the plan.

The plate fell and shattered. Fushi’s ears began to ring the second he remembered that on the other side of Kahaku’s front door are the world and memories he was running away from last night.

He chuckled nervously and said “I'm sorry, I'll make you a new one-”

Kahaku was instantly by his side. Fushi raised his head to look at the worried Kahaku who was checking him over to see if he was alright. Fushi felt childish, almost, for wanting to cry again. He'd been doing that a lot.

It felt like such a small thing, but it felt stupid. He was not some damsel in distress to cry at every small thing, neither was he a crybaby, perhaps the second one was slowly becoming true.

He has always been easily irascible, and maybe somewhat childish, unable to come to terms with things when they were happening, needing more time to process and accept them. Hell, it took him close to 50 years to get over Pioran’s death!

Although he was slow, he was not unaware of the fact. He often thinks that perhaps the reason it's so is because of the body he uses, the white haired boy had been still a child when he died, and he didn't have much knowledge or intelligence either.

A thought came to him. It was a thought he'd come to regret later.

He transformed again. Kahaku took a step back in surprise.

He transformed into Myuki. Kahaku didn't recognise her.

Fushi changed again, into Rean, and then Yuki, and then Pocoa and then Todo.

Each time it was a different answer he was seeking and the same answer he was receiving.

His panic didn't change, he didn't feel more mature, he didn't feel wiser.

He kept changing until Kahaku put his hands on his shoulders, pulling him in into a hug.

Fushi stopped transforming.

Strands of long black hair gently fell off of Fushi’s shoulders. The face of a young lady, close to tears appeared in front of Kahaku. It was a face he knew all too well, he had stared at it for quite a while before.

Kahaku winced as if he got burnt by fire, but he didn't let go.

“I'm sorry I don't know why I-” Fushi said in Perona’s voice. Fushi changed again. Back into the white haired body he had before.

Kahaku moved away just a small bit to look at him.

Fushi had tears in his eyes. Kahaku pulled him back in tighter.

“I'm so sorry- I don't know why I'm crying I promise I don't usually cry this much-” Fushi’s tears fell on Kahaku’s shirt. It was such a small thing, but Fushi felt like he was committing a crime.

It felt embarrassing for him to cry in front of someone.

“One time when I was in middle school” Kahaku started speaking, quietly “this girl confessed to me” He continued.

Fushi didn't move, but he was listening.

“And I rejected her.” For some reason Fushi felt relieved to hear that… why would he be?

“She got mad at me and called me a jerkface and a bunch of other insults” Fushi pulled away from the hug slightly and asked, enraged “Why would she do that? It was your right to reject her!”

Kahaku smiled and continued without saying anything regarding Fushi's words.

“I remember going home and crying myself to sleep that night, the next day my parents called me in sick because of how red my eyes were, and I didn't have the heart to tell them I had cried that night, because I was too embarrassed.”

Fushi stared at Kahaku, and without saying a word he let Kahaku continue.

“And then one time in high school, I snuck out at night to go to a party with friends, and I remember getting into an argument with one of my friends who got a bit too drunk and said too much. I cried during the argument and got so embarrassed!” Kahaku said. Although he was recalling bad memories he was smiling fondly into blank space.

He turned to look back at Fushi.

“I think you're stronger than I am, in many ways, and crying doesn't erase that.” His voice was gentle and Fushi felt for a moment like he might just melt. He felt like he was slowly being warmed up next to a fire after being out in the winter cold.

It was a nostalgic sort of feeling.

“I suppose I still thought of you as the warrior from long ago, but you've lived another entirely separate life here … I'm sorry.” Fushi said earnestly, for the first time since Kahaku started talking he turned away to glance at the floor.

“Don't be, even in my past life, I was just as big of a crybaby! I cried just as hard after you rejected me the first time and I can promise you I cried even harder after what happened between us…” Fushi frowned.

“Why didn't you come back?” The question felt tense. Kahaku's smile lifted, but it didn't make him look happier, it was a sad sort of smile.

“I didn't believe myself worthy.”

Fushi wrapped his hands around Kahaku's back and pulled him in tighter. Kahaku was surprised at first, tensing up as if afraid Fushi would all of a sudden kill him, but he relaxed after a few moments.

His eyes closed as he leaned into the finally proper hug.

He had longed for this for a long time too.

Fushi felt conflicted. He didn't know what to do. He held Kahaku close, not letting go. And he didn't need to say it out loud for Kahaku to know that he felt his tears on his shirt as well.