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“Hey Darce!” Brad said brightly, plopping into existence in what was now Darcy’s dildo.
“Hey,” Darcy greeted back, eyes fixed on the TV in front.
“I have good news! So, the universe decided …”
“Shhh!” Darcy shushed him, raising a warning finger in his direction without breaking eye contact with the screen. Suddenly, they started cackling like mad, clapping their hands onto their knees again and again.
Brad was startled - and slightly suspicious. “What are you watching?” he asked, trying to sound casual.
Darcy didn’t look at him, but instead reached for a packet of crisps and yanked it open. “‘The well-deserved sufferings of one Ben Hope’,” they replied with glee.
Brad groaned and covered his eyes. “Darce, seriously? Again?”
“Can’t be often enough with that piece of shit - which, come to think of it, is an insult to all the shit in the world.”
Brad raised his arms exasperatedly. “Darce, honestly! First the pets, then the phone booth, and now -?”
“‘The many sufferings of one Ben Hope’,” Darcy supplied helpfully. “One of my finer productions.”
“No shit,” Brad mumbled. “So, tell me, what kind of mess did you cause now?”
“Join me and watch! It’s hilarious!”
“You’re unbelievable!”
Darcy lit up and looked at him for the first time. “I know!” they said brightly, munching on a handful of crisps. Brad could hear distant swearing from the TV. It sounded agitated. “That wasn’t meant as a compliment!”
“But you like me!” Darcy pouted. Brad groaned, louder this time.
“Does the universe know, at least?” he asked flatly.
“Not as such …”
“What do you mean, ‘not as such’? You do know that the universe is all knowing, don’t you? It’s literally in their job description!”
Darcy shrugged and returned their attention to the TV. “Then I guess they know and are enjoying it as much as I am.”
“You don’t know that! Darce, as your superior I really have to …”
“Oh, come off it, will you? What is the worst they could do to me?”
Brad scoffed. “Let’s just say they could stop paying you.”
Darcy made a faux shocked face. “Oh no, however will I cope?”
“Darcy!!”
“Look, Brad, my guy. The Powers That Be decided to employ me and turn me into a mythical creature described as a genie, created by super old folk tales and completely ruined by Disney. And as a mythical creature I don’t eat,” they ended, stuffing a crisp into their mouth.
“Well, they could also take away your dildo,” Brad added ominously.
Darcy went white, smirk gone. “They wouldn’t! Would they?”
“I didn’t know you’d become that attached to it. After all, you don’t seem to use it that much.”
“That’s true,” Darcy admitted. “It’s more for nostalgic reasons. After all, it was Charlie’s dildo.” (Note to confused reader: Yes, we ARE talking about an actual dildo here. However, Charlie’s and Darcy’s usage of it is somewhat unconventional. For more I suggest you go and read Genie in a … bottle?)
A stream of filthy profanities coming from the TV reached Brad’s ear. He directed his attention towards the telly, and there on the screen he saw a crouched over Ben Hope, meticulously dressed, staring at the dark, wet patch forming on his meticulously ironed suit trousers, face full of despair and anger.
Darcy chuckled gleefully. “Everytime! Yay me!!”
“Just out of curiosity, Darce. Is that -?”
“Pee? Indeed!”
“Okay, spit it out, what’s the story here?” Brad couldn’t help it, he was intrigued.
“See that guy over there? The one that just walked past?”
“You mean the guy that somewhat looks like Charlie?”
“Bingo! Hope was getting ideas.”
“Ideas?”
“Thoughts.”
Brad still came up empty.
Darcy sighed. “Really, my guy? Thoughts of the special kind.”
“Wait, sexy thoughts?”
“And the penny keeps dropping!” Darcy exclaimed joyfully.
“You made Ben wet himself whenever he gets horny??”
“Exactomundo!”
“Darce, that’s terrible! What in the universe did he do this time??” Brad huffed out.
Darcy’s face contorted into an angry grimace. “He tried to seduce Sarah to get back at our Golden Retriever.”
Shocked silence.
“Alright, budge up. Are there any crisps left?”