Chapter Text
Stacey is a star.
She's the kind of star that you see even if it is lightyears away from you, the kind of star you seek for direction, for light, and clarity. That star that would make you lose your way if you don't see it. She's the north star, Polaris, the guiding star for everyone and anyone who has lost their way.
That star was once in Jhoanna's grasp, always within reach, even when she didn't search for it.
But now? All Jhoanna sees are the dust clouds surrounding this bright star. Dusts in the form of applause, cheers, and posters scattered across the dirty electricity poles lined up along the highway.
Stacey, who was once Jhoanna's Polaris, had become the sun. Brighter, closer, hotter.
Untouchable. Unbearable to look at.
Like now, at this very moment, as she stands among the last rows of seats in a close section at the arena, watching as Stacey walks and struts across the stage with a big smile that Jhoanna doesn't recognize. She stares as her star clutches onto her mic, singing her throat out with beautiful and haunting notes that carry no weight. She turns away with pursed lips when she sees the sun take in all the warmth from all the cheers instead of taking it from her warm embrace, and loving kisses in the shadows of the night.
Stacey chose this, Jhoanna reminds herself. She chose the bright lights of fame instead of the warm nights of her love.
And she knew this was coming, anyway. Whatever they had was fleeting, temporary, momentary, even when Stacey once claimed otherwise. And yet, Jhoanna had let herself be chained in flames, had allowed the kisses to get to her head, the soft words to prevent her from walking away when she was supposed to.
If Stacey were the sun, then Jhoanna would be Icarus, who chose to fly too close to it, even when she knew how it would end.
So here she was, in Stacey's first-ever concert after months of working herself up to achieve whatever success she desired. Stacey didn't know she was here, and she doesn't think the artist has to know. After all, she was just someone Stacey needed for a while, a stepping stone, a fleeting reprieve when the spotlights refused to shine on her. And now that she has everything within her reach, the fame, the crowd, the love (however fleeting), Jhoanna knows to step back, even when her heart remains chained to her orbit.
Even when her heart still yearns for a future that won't be—a future where she's still in Stacey's inner orbits.
So, Jhoanna walks away before the encore starts. She has flown too close to the sun, and only God knows how much of her remains unburned.
—
A ticket almost gets slammed onto Jhoanna's face the moment she enters her office. Grunting, she scrambles to take the offending paper from her face, glaring when she sees Maloi grinning at her as if she did not just slam her face with something she doesn't even know what yet.
“Serious mo naman, Direk.”
“Ganito na ba ang pagbati sa umaga ngayon? Ang sampalin ka ng…” Jhoanna squints at the piece of paper in her hand. “...ticket sa mukha?”
“Alamin mo naman kasi muna kung ano ‘yan.”
With a sigh, she walks and drops her bag onto the side of her table before slamming herself into her chair, taking her eyeglasses to read whatever is written on the ticket.
She wished she hadn't.
“Complementary ‘yan. Nakuha ko from her manager. Don’t ask.” Maloi explains without letting Jhoanna talk first. “Nagtanong-tanong na ako ng pwedeng sumama sa akin eh, since sayang naman kung ako lang eh dalawa naman ‘yan. Since late ka today, ikaw huli kong natanong. Small ‘Meet and Greet’ for a brand lang naman, pero the usual naman, pipila, pwede magbigay ng stuff, papasign ng kung ano, kuha ng items nung brand, tapos pwede na umalis. Weekend naman ‘to, so no work. This weekend na, though, pero baka naman free ka.”
Jhoanna says nothing and just stares at the offending piece of paper. Her jaw tightens, unbeknownst to her colleague, and she tries her best to stop the subtle shake of her fingers as she continues to hold on to the ticket.
“‘Di na ako magtatanong kung kilala mo ‘yung artist or not, kasi kahit anong sagot mo diyan eh yayayain pa rin naman kita. Hindi na lang para sa artist noh, pero para na rin sa’yo. Parang ‘di ka kasi palalabas noh? Palagala? Chill time lang, direk.”
She remains quiet, but in her head, she starts spiraling. Maloi doesn't know. No one among her work peers knows the hushed whispers of sweet nothings, the subtle glances behind face masks and sunglasses, back when it didn't matter, and the affirmations hidden in the quiet night.
Back when there was no Stacey Sevilleja, the popstar and the nation's sweetheart, and Jhoanna Robles, film director of the year.
“‘Di ko sure, check ko sched ko.” Jhoanna deflects as she opens her laptop, pretending to open her calendar when she has set her mind to decline. “Pero thank you for the invitation.”
“Grabe naman ‘to si Direk. Isang labas lang naman!” But Maloi insists, innocently prancing around the office, blissfully unaware of the turmoil she's caused in Jhoanna's head. “Saka kilala mo naman yata si Stacey. Sabi ni Aiah, ‘yung from admin natin, nakita ka niya sa concert ni Staceylast month.”
Jhoanna's fingers freeze, looking up with wide eyes like a deer caught in the headlights. That concert—she went there quietly, and no one was supposed to see her there. She just wanted to see Stacey on a stage she had longed for so long. That should have been the last time—the last time Jhoanna would stare at the sun before she turns her back completely. It was supposed to be the last time she would let anything that is Stacey and is of Stacey occupy anything in her life. Her last reprieve, before she lets go, broken, bruised, but moving forward.
If Stacey had made a choice, even when she wasn’t asked to, then Jhoanna should, too, even when she didn’t want to.
However, fate can sometimes be cruel.
She knew the consequences of being in adjacent industries with her beloved. The film and entertainment industries have so much in common. She knew encounters with the popstar would be inevitable at some point; she anticipated it, even. And yet, Jhoanna had hoped that she’d have time to move on and forward before even facing Stacey. But this just felt deliberate—no projects involved, no work meetings, no industry talks. Just a colleague unexpectedly shoving a meet and greet ticket in your face in the morning.
But no, she has to turn herself away forcefully, even if it feels so tempting to see her again, to have a feel of her again, even for just a bit, even if it is from far away.
“May nagbigay lang din ng ticket, and malapit lang naman ako sa Araneta that time, so why not?” She shrugs, lying between her teeth as she tries to deflect. No one had to know that she had actually bought the ticket, spent ample time waiting online to get in, and taken the effort to secure a good seat for herself.
But Maloi, oblivious, buys the lie anyway. Still, it doesn't stop her from pleading for her to come.
“‘Yun naman pala, Direk, nakita mo na siya magperform. Okay naman, ‘di ba?”
More than okay, she wanted to say. The greatest star among all the stars.
“Kebs naman.” She says instead, with a shrug as she feigns nonchalance. She stares intensely at her laptop screen, ignoring the burn she’s feeling as she stares at the lighted surface without blinking too much. Her eyeglasses did nothing to alleviate the pain she experienced in her eyes.
“Kebs?? Kebs lang??” Maloi’s excited smile drops into an incredulous frown. “Girl—”
“Girl?” An eyebrow raise. Jhoanna guesses Maloi is genuinely a fan of Stacey, which is why she sounds offended when she shows little interest. She even called her ‘girl’, and she never calls her anything other than ‘direk’, even outside work. Something about respect for bosses, Maloi once said.
“I mean—hahaha—ano, Direk—hehehe…” There, Maloi stutters, eyes darting around in fear, when she realizes what she just said. “I mean, napanood mo na siya live, direk. Tapos kebs lang? I’m sure na she’s more than kebs lang, knowing your music and performance tastes.”
Maloi wiggles her eyebrows, obviously teasing but subtly defensive like a fan ready to fight for their idol. Jhoanna doesn’t look, but her finger taps slowly start to become more erratic. What should she say? What could she say without giving anything away? Because she knows the moment she opens her mouth to praise Stacey, she’d practically sing about it.
Of the darkest nights with the brightest star, of flowers vibrant and fragrant, scattered along the vast fields of beauty, and of powerful tides that come and go, letting go and swallowing up islands of all sizes. How all of these are Stacey, who has brought light, color, beauty, and power to Jhoanna’s life. And how the same muse took everything away from her in just one choice. Because if Stacey is the queen that no goddess could ever compare, then Jhoanna is just a choice among all the knights that kneel to serve her.
Paano ang career ko, Jhoanna? Maawa ka naman.
Jhoanna never made Stacey choose, and yet she became her last option.
“Direk?” Maloi quietly asks when she notices Jhoanna staring at nothing and not responding to her. “Ui, joke lang naman, Direk. Kung ano man ‘yan, opinion mo ‘yan.”
Jhoanna blinks, remembering that Maloi is standing in front of her. What were they talking about again?
“Pero Direk, sasamahan mo pa rin naman ako ‘di ba? Sa fanmeet ni Stacey? Pero pwede ka naman tumanggi if ‘di ka talaga free.”
Ah. Yes. Jhoanna finds the unowned ticket on top of her notebook and stares at it for a moment before turning back to her laptop. She promised—mostly to herself rather than to anyone—that the concert would be the last time she’d ever let herself be in proximity with Stacey. But when she looks at Maloi, looking back at her with hopeful and pleading eyes, she hesitates. The latter had been a good colleague, and she rarely asks for anything from anyone. So, for her to plead like this struck her a bit, and she couldn’t bring herself to say no immediately. Besides, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with attending things like this as a fan, right?
Maybe she can indulge herself a bit, one last time.
Just one last time.
(Who was she kidding?)
“Fine. Sama ako.”
—
It was not fine.
It was suffocating.
And it was too early in the morning.
I did not think this through. Jhoanna thinks to herself as she realizes what this event was, standing at the entrance of the small arena building, ignoring everyone who passes by her. The ‘Meet and Greet’ is at 3 in the afternoon, and yet, it was only 9 in the morning. She didn't know why she was early either. It was a Sunday, and she didn’t usually wake this early on Sundays. And yet here she was, standing in front of the doors towards the small arena, alone. Heck, Maloi isn’t even awake at this hour, yet.
Tanga ka pa rin, Jhoanna.
Of course, she knows why she is this early. She was like this, too, a month ago, during Stacey’s concert: arriving too early, wearing a jacket too big for her size, a black cap covering her face for the most part, and shaking hands as she clutches the ticket she has. Unlike last time, however, there weren’t many people yet. Sure, there were some already handing out freebies with Stacey’s name and face on them, but the area still felt too empty.
Maloi did say that it was a smaller event compared to Stacey’s usual individual events. It was kind of an invite-only event by the brand: those who won by buying an ample amount of the brand’s products, influencers who have good audience reach, corporate personnel, tycoons, and media personnel. How Maloi got those tickets, Jhoanna may never know. Not that she would like to ask, anyway. The idea of having the event a bit more cozy and intimate made her feel smaller than she already feels. She ducks, pulling her cap and her hoodie closer to her face, afraid to show herself in a space she didn’t intend to come to in the first place.
What is she doing?
She was supposed to be putting distance, like how Stacey asked, begged her to do. They were supposed to go their separate ways, with no one lingering near each other’s orbit. They are supposed to become strangers: Stacey, the beloved pop star, and Jhoanna, the prodigal indie film director. And yet, Jhoanna kept coming back, like a moth flying around a flame, unbeknownst to Stacey, who may be basking in the light of her fame without thinking about her at all. It made her feel pathetic, and she scoffs to herself, because even if she knows she is being pathetic, she knows she’d do it over and over again, no matter how much she tries to convince herself that it would be the last time.
Her fist closes in on the ticket in her hand, creasing the already crumpled paper item even more. Perhaps she can still back out, pretend like she didn’t come here. Nobody knew her here, thanks to her little disguise of a hoodie and cap, so that no one would notice anyway. She takes a step back, seeing if anyone around is looking in her direction, then—
Her phone rings. Loudly. So loud that it takes the attention of those around her.
Jhoanna sighs. So much for escaping.
Scrambling, she takes her phone out while trying to block her phone's speakers and answers the ringing call without checking the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Direk! Sorry kakagising ko lang!” Maloi’s ragged and panicky but sleepy voice screams from the phone. Jhoanna had to put her phone away to avoid blasting it on her ear. “Omaygad, malalate pa ako!”
“Maloi, maaga pa naman—”
“Direk, there's no such thing as 'masyadong maaga' sa mga concerts saka meet and greet!” Jhoanna can practically see Maloi panicking just by hearing her voice on the phone. “Dapat nandiyan ka na pagsikat pa lang ng araw!”
Jhoanna genuinely laughs in amusement—a rare one, recently.
“Ngayon lang kita narinig na ganito ka-OA.”
“Pasensya na, direk. Excited lang.” Maloi chuckles, and Jhoanna starts hearing scuffles and thuds from the other line. “Anyway direk, punta ka na sa venue! Susunod ako, malapit lang naman ako. Nako, direk, pramis punta ka na don, baka maubusan tayo ng freebies!”
“Uh—” How is she supposed to tell her that she is already there?
“Bigyan mo lang akong mga 30 minutes, nandiyan na ako, promise! Bilisan ko lang magligo saka mag-ayos. Basta direk punta ka na, ha!”
And before she can even say anything in return, the call ends abruptly. And by that time, the people around her are starting to pay her a bit of attention. She just sighs before placing her phone back in her pocket. And as she looks up, she sees a random stranger coming up to her with a tentative but friendly smile. The lady looked younger than her, and she had random fan-made items in her hand. Jhoanna muses that this person is a fan, judging from her purple shirt with a pink Care Bear iron-on patch on the chest—an emblem Stacey has identified with.
“Sorry, ‘di naman po sa pagiging chismosa, pero narinig ko po kasi kayo sa phone niyo.” The stranger says. “Andito po ba kayo para sa fanmeet ni Stacey?”
Jhoanna smiles, the friendly but cautious kind.
So much for escaping.
(Not that she really wanted to. She could’ve said no to this Meet and Greet thing in the first place, anyway. But here she was, a willing rock on the lava.)
—
At least Jhoanna gets to enjoy this, even just a little.
She finds out that Maloi jives very well with Sheena, the stranger who approached her hours ago. After hours of roaming around the venue, she finds herself squished between the two, a reluctant companion to those who kept asking for stuff shamelessly and unbashfully.
“Okay lang ‘yan!” Maloi told her earlier. “Mamaya direk, tamo, freebies pa lalapit sa’yo.”
And just like that, after a few rounds of walking, they find themselves with multiple tote bags filled with things Jhoanna doesn’t even know what some of them are. The crowd started getting bigger, mostly fans who simply wanted to show support, even if they were not invited to the event itself. And while she hates big crowds, she finds herself not minding this one, even with Maloi and Sheena blowing her ears off each side with how loud they are while laughing with people they just met.
Maybe because she knows everyone is there for one reason, and that is their shared love and affection for Stacey as fans. At least, Stacey receives so much love; Jhoanna knows she deserves so much of that.
Perhaps, that is why she chose the admiration of many over her sole love for her.
“Hello! Ikaw po ba si Direk Jhoanna? ‘Yung nagdirect po ng Mikasa?!”
She didn’t expect to be somehow recognized here, either. Even with her hood down, a handful of people recognized her. Not an overwhelming number of people, but enough to surprise her. So, even though she is flustered, she talked and took pictures with people, not wanting to be rude.
But of course, she has her limits.
“Pwede bang mag-cr muna? Napapagod na ako, lunch pa lang.” Jhoanna sighs, holding on to her knees while taking deep breathes. “‘Di ko kaya energy niyo.”
Maloi and Sheena, who are now a few steps ahead of her, stop and turn to look at her with a mixture of amusement and worry.
“Hala direk ayos ka lang?” Maloi rushes quickly. “Pwede naman tayong umupo.”
“Sakitin ba ‘yung boss mo, ate Maloi?”
“‘Di naman. Medyo pagurin lang.”
“Need ko lang mag-cr. Maghilamos para mahimasmasan.”
Jhoanna didn’t want to tell them that she is truly tired with all the talking and walking. But she didn’t want to spoil their enjoyment.
“Sure ka, direk?”
“Yup.”
“Ok, hintayin ka namin sa may Jollibee tapos dun na lang din tayo maglunch.”
And so, Jhoanna heads to the nearest bathroom, the one near the venue’s entrance, while her companion and newfound friend head to the nearest Jollibee to order lunch. She releases a few big and deep sighs as she walks just to try and relax herself. But, as she turns to enter, she bumps into a lady rushing out of the bathroom. Too tired to be annoyed, Jhoanna just mumbles a quiet apology before stepping into the bathroom.
“Jhoanna.”
Surprised, she quickly turns and looks up. And as her hoodie falls away from her head a bit, she meets eye to eye with someone she never thought she’d encounter again.
“Ate Colet.”
Colet. Jhoanna’s best friend then, Stacey’s manager now. Instead of a happy demeanor, Colet had a scowl on her face while looking over Jhoanna, who remained frozen in place by the bathroom’s door.
“Anong ginagawa mo dito?”
Jhoanna hears the protective growl in her whisper, and she wonders why. If she remembers correctly, the last time she and Colet met, they were good. And that was after Stacey broke up with her.
“Uhm…may sinamahan lang ako dito sa area—”
“Meet and greet lang naman ganap dito.” Colet narrows her eyes, cutting Jhoanna rudely. “Andito ka na naman ba para manggulo?”
That throws Jhoanna off; where are these accusations coming from?
“I’m sorry? Saan nanggagaling ‘to?” Jhoanna asks, her defenses going up.
“Akala mo madadaan mo ako sa pagmaang-maangan mo?” Colet continues, her voice sharper than ever. “‘Yung flowers, ‘yung notes. Akala mo nakakatuwa ka?”
“Anong flowers? Notes? Ha?”
Now, Jhoanna is just confused and indignant. The genuinety of her facial expressions confuses Colet as well.
“Ganon na ba talaga tingin mo sa’kin? Kailan ba ako nanggulo?”
There was hurt in Jhoanna’s voice, not expecting this demeanor from her best friend. Sure, she essentially chose Stacey over her when everything went downhill by becoming her manager and cutting off communication with her. But she believed that she and Colet had always and will always be okay. So, to hear her accuse her of things after almost a year of not seeing nor talking with each other?
The mixture of emotions in Jhoanna’s face snaps Colet from her angry demeanor. But still, an ounce of her pride refuse to give in.
“Eh sino lang ba ang magsasabi kay Staku na mamili?” She says, angry but now unsure. “Sino lang ba magsusulat sa notes ng “Mamili ka, Stacey” tapos ilalagay sa flowers?”
Jhoanna doesn’t respond, but her face shift from confusion, to disappointment, then to offence.
“Allergic nga ako sa flowers tapos papadala pa ako?”
Jhoanna scoffs, her head sharply turning away from Colet, not wanting for the latter to see her frustrated tears starting to leak from behind her glasses.
“Kahit kailan, hindi ako nanggulo.” She says, exhasperated. “The moment na hiniling sa’kin ni Stacey na layuan siya, sinunod ko nang buong buo kahit masakit. Ginawa ko, to the point na para nang langit ang pagitan sa’ming dalawa. Tapos sasabihin mo nanggugulo ako?”
Feeling suffocated from this sudden interaction, Jhoanna rushes away from Colet and from the bathroom, totally forgetting her plan of washing up to rest for a bit. Her emotions, triggered with feelings of confusion, betrayal, offence, and sadness, start to feel overwhelming. She was not ready for something like this, nor did she expect. The sudden and random accusation felt suffocating because where did it come from? Why her? What did she even do?
It hurt. After all the sacrifice she did, she still gets the shorter end of the stick.
“For the record?” She stops walking, but she doesn’t turn back towards Colet, who now looks even more unsure.
“Kahit kailan,” she whispers. “Hindi ko pinapili si Stacey.”
—
That confrontation has spoiled Jhoanna’s afternoon.
She was still cheerful with Maloi and Sheena. She still catered to those who know Director Jhoanna and asked for photos or autographs. She still went along with people walking around asking for freebies.
But Colet’s accusations continue to ring in her head. Whatever was happening must be happening for a while, now. Her initial offence and hurt has now settled, replaced by her curiosity instead. Stacey was receiving flowers, and it seemed threatening rather than delightful. The sender wanted Stacey to choose without giving choices, or at least that is what Colet has spilled.
It was kind of worrying. A stalker? A madman?
But she didn’t have the time to process that more as she is suddenly ushered into the venue, a few minutes before the Meet and Greet starts.
And she finds her seat with Maloi close to the stage. Too close.
She dips her cap lower, not wanting to spot any more familiar faces. She notices Colet peeking from the backstage, and that was it. Her hands shake, nervousness taking over. This was not like during Stacey’s concert last month, where she can watch from afar, hidden, unnoticed. This was exposure, out in the open.
Her regrets are doubling and disappearing all the same.
And yet, as the program starts, and the host starts his spiels, she watches as the lights flicker and move. She hears the cheers get louder and louder until it deafens her. She totally ignores Maloi, who kept shaking on her feet in anticipation. Instead, her eyes focus on one side of the stage where the lone spotlight settled.
And then there was Stacey. Entering the stage with such glamor and elegance that captured everyone’s hearts and attention. Jhoanna’s breath hitches, as if she was seeing Stacey for the first time. She watches as Stacey smiles and waves towards the audience and the cameras. It wasn’t the same soft smiles she gave her before, back when quiet nights surround them instead of the flashy lights of fame. It was a smile of pretense, capitalized and practiced. And yet, it captured Jhoanna all the same. The audience swoons, and Jhoanna simply smiles. Stacey twirls, laughs, and winks for show. Jhoanna sees the softness behind it, the twinkle behind her eyes, her happiness flaring around her as she glows.
Stacey is a star. She always will be.
And as Jhoanna sat among the audience, she muses she doesn’t mind being burnt, as long as she gets to see her again, like this, even when they are now heavens apart.
“Pakiramdam ko na pinapapili mo lang ako sa pagmamahal mo na 'yan, Jhoanna!”
“Kahit kailan ay hindi kita pinapili, Stacey. Tinuruan lang kitang magbukas muli ng puso matapos masaktan.”
Jhoanna smiles sadly. Stacey doesn’t even notice, too caught up with her own fears, viewing and grieving her own twisted version of whatever selfless love Jhoanna tried to give.
“Hindi kita pinapapili, pero parang nakapagdesisyon ka na.”