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“Herc, mon cher! Did—did you see the… Herc?”
“Yeah, Laf. You, umm, look great.”
“Is something wrong, Herc? You sound upset.”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay.”
“I just—Laf, why didn’t you tell us?”
“Tell you—oh, that. Well.”
“Laf?”
“Oui. Désolé, Herc. But, mon chou—uh, mon coeur, I mean—mon amie, you must understand that it was very stressful. Coming out, I mean. I did not want to… ah, how you say, fall myself—“
“Trip over yourself.”
“Oui, that is the term. I did not want to possibly ruin something we had. Telling you in person would have been difficult, so, I suppose, a public appearance would be fine. In fact, I did not even expect them to ask me if I had anything to say—“
“Laf, you’re rambling.”
“Oh. Yes. What I meant to say is, I saw the opportunity and, ah, grabbed it.”
“Well, were you planning on telling us beforehand?”
“N—mon amie, why do you fret? Do you not want to be friends any more?”
“Laf, what was that sound?”
“I—I am fine. I just dropped my phone, is all.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So…”
“Is there anything else you would like to say, Herc?”
“I’m just the tiniest bit upset that you didn’t bother to come out to us like a normal person, Laf.”
“I—I don’t know how—um, how to respond to that, Herc.”
“Why’d you go and make a fool of yourself on television, Laf? You didn’t need to do that. You could’ve just—you could’ve just told us, you know.”
“Is there something wrong with how I came out, Hercules?”
“Don’t call me Hercules.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
“Yes, there is something wrong. I thought you could grow up, Laf. I—why can’t you be normal?”
“Wow.”
“You just had to go out and be—what was it, genderweird? Jeez, Laf—“
“No. Don’t call me that if you—you’re not going to act like my friend.”
“Well, what would you like, ‘special snowflake?’ ‘liar?’ ‘Gilbert?’”
“No. Mr. Mulligan, please hang up.”
“Wow, Mr. Mulligan. I’m so scared. Listen, just ‘cause you can’t handle being called by your actual name—“
“Goodbye, Mr. Mulligan.”
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