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Language:
English
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Published:
2025-10-20
Updated:
2025-10-31
Words:
1,371
Chapters:
8/?
Comments:
19
Kudos:
26
Bookmarks:
2
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314

Inanimate insanity textfic cause being awake at 1am isint fun

Summary:

RAHHHH objects going thru stuff

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Usernames for reference:

Paintbrush: Starving_Artist

Light bulb: Insomniac/crabaddict

Fan: Fantheory

Taco: British Tuesday

Microphone: LOUDGIRLYURI

Mephone4: Popcornhater/cookieaddict

Mepad: Matpat

(T)ime(M)achine

Floory: Gdaymate

Paper: Paperboi

OJ: Ohgay

Toilet: xTOIx

Suitcase: agua

Knife: Itsnotaphase

Chapter 2: :P

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Unfortunately smart +1stupid

British Tuesday: Someone check on four please.

Matpat: What's wrong Taco?

British Tuesday: I don't know, I was on call with four and then he suddenly rushed to hit the end button?

Matpat: I don't like the sound of this.

xTOIx: Me neithar Mistah phione?

LOUDGIRLYURI: MEPHONE UR SCARING TACO ANS SHE NEVER GETS SCARED!!! :0

British Tuesday: I'm not letting you do karaoke at the dorm anymore mic.

xTOIx:: Oop- she madddd

British Tuesday: I will change the Netflix password Toilet.

xTOIx: :(

Ohgay: I woke up ready to yell at u guys but then i backread is mephone good?

LOUDGIRLYURI: WOAH OJ FINALLY GOT THE HUMSN DECENCY TO BACKREAD?!?!?! IM SO PROUD

(T)ime(M)achine: I do agree, this is a momentous occasion add it to the list of recent changes in behavior fan.

FanTheory: WHay what

FanTheory: OOOOH the one where we’ve been documenting the changes in behavior since OJ started dating paper?

(T)ime(M)achine: ……..precisely

LOUDGIRLYURI: OH DAMM IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED?

British Tuesday: You heathens realize this is a group chat, right?

Insomniac: -_- dam weren’t these two supposed to b smarties ><

Fantheory: oops

Paperboi: I am rapidly approaching your location Testube.

LOUDGIRLYURI: DANG TUBE HE USED PUNCTUATION

xTOIx: COOKED

Starving_Artist: FRIED

Insomniac: ND SERVED :D

Ohgay: Paper stop

Paperboi: .

Paperboi: fine

Starving_Artist: I see paper outside of test tubes dorm staring daggers at the door

Ohgay: come back

LOUDGIRLYURI: 2 bed :0

Popcornhater: SHUT THE FUCK UP

xTOIx: Mistah phone?

Paperboi: Where’s mic’s dorm.

British Tuesday: If anyone answers that, I will personally find a way to ruin your grades and send you back to where you came from.

LOUDGIRLYURI: THANKYEWWWWW TACOOOOOOO

Matpat: Mephone just got his phone to yell at everyone, then proceeded to throw his phone across the room. Other than that, mephone is alive.

Ohgay: kool kool now paper stop asking around for mic and everyone else go to sleep

BritishTuesday: Glad four is okay, I’m gonna keep watch for tonight but goodnight for everyone else.

LOUDGIRLYURI: GO 2 SLEEP TACO

xTOIx: I’m outta here but MEOHONE PPLSSS GET URSELF TOGETAHER PLZZZZZ

Ohgay: papers back in the dorm everyone can sleep restfully now.

Notes:

This is my take on a more seriously taken crack fic lmao

Chapter 3: 1am tendencies

Summary:

!! Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts !!

Chapter Text

Unfortunately smart + 1 stupid

popcornhater: guyz

Popcornhater: rope or bleach

Starving_Artist: Dude it’s one am tf r u doing up

Popcornhater: Rope. or. bleach.

Starving_Artist: rope

Popcornhater: Thank yew was that so hard

Starving_artist: nah

FanTheory: Idiots obviously use bleach THEN rope

Insomniac: :0 genius

Starving_Artist: NO IDEAS

Insomniac: :(

British Tuesday: Didn’t we all make a pack for this?

(T)ime(M)achine: Yeah a while ago

Ohgay: OKAY WHY R WE ALL UP

Matpat: Technically you’re up as well OJ.

Paperboi:Oj why r u up

Ohgay: ….

Ohgay:We have a test tomorrow

Fantheory: SHIT

Insomniac: ;-;

British Tuesday: I despise Science class.

Popcornhater: We all do except 4 testube

Chapter 4: Lightbulb is precious

Chapter Text

LIGHTBULB PROTECTION SQUAD

8:25
Starving_Artist: 1st period. Only smiled 5 times

9:20
LOUDGIRLYURI: Passing period. I walked into the bathroom and saw her just staring at the mirror

10:19
(T)ime(M)achine: Break. Barely ate didn’t even react to the mention of cookies

10:21
Popcornhater: Break.Offered cookies said “no thanks”

11:40
FanTheory: 4th period. Teacher yelled at her looked like she was about to cry

12:34
British Tuesday: passing period. I saw her running towards the dorms

12:36
xTOIx: Lunch. Not in line for food

1:11
Ohgay: 5th period. Absent

2:12
MatPat: 6th period. Absent

3:07
Matpat: The school days over paintbrush are you going to her?

3:08
Starving_Artist: Yep I’m omw thanks for the updates guys

Chapter 5: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE- “ STFU”

Summary:

I wrote this running on pure hatred and my friends request

Chapter Text

Unfortunately smart + 1 stupid

Paperboi: WHY TF IS THE KID WHO SAYS THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE EVERYDAY CARRYING AROUND A GUN

(T)ime(M)achine: Oh yeah it’s fans fault

British Tuesday: Mr president care to fix the situation?

Ohgay: uhhhhh

Ohgay: I’m in the dorms

FanTheory: IM SORRY IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT

FanTheory: I DIDNT MEAN TO PISS THEM OFF

Popcornhater: So ur the main target?

FanTheory: Maybe???

British Tuesday: ….

Insomniac: ….

Paperboi: ….

Starving_Artist: ….

Matpat: …

Popcornhater:…

(T)ime(M)achine: Four don’t do it.

Popcornhater: …

Popcornhater: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE

FanTheory: STFU

FanTheory: OH SHXJHHSVJHABJHSJ

LOUDGIRLYURI: Welp rip fan

Insomniac: u will b remembered

Starving_Artist: for all the political propaganda he spread

xTOIx: oop

Chapter 6: I suck at titles

Summary:

Might as well actually speak to all of my darling readers while i'm mentally sane enough to do so

1st of all: Where did any of you guys spawn in from

2nd of all: I know people are reading don't be afraid to comment and give me ideas

3rd of all: When you guys decide to comment is anyone interested in longer chapters?

Anyways, i'm Lixie and i use He/They/Hers pronouns >:3

Here's to more weird ahh objects doing weird ahh things.

*************************************************************************

Chapter Text

Unfortunately smart + 1 stupid

British Tuesday:@Evreyone

Starving_Artist: ?

Insomniac: :3

Fantheory: Wha

xTOIx: GREETINGS ND SALUTATIONS

Popcornhater: SYBAU

LOUDGIRLYURI: HAI TACO

Popcornhater: PLS DONT TACO

Matpat: What's wrong?

(T)ime(M)achine: Yeah uh why does mephone look broken?

Ohgay: Prolly cuz he is

Paperboi: Lmao

British Tuesday: Why don't we speak to the problem ourselves?

Popcornhater: NO PLEAASSEEE NO TACO

British Tuesday added: Floory
Starving_Artist changed a user name to: Gdaymate

Gdaymate: Hey guys! I recognize a lot of you actually

Insomniac: R u australian :0

Gdaymatee: yeah i am! I'm one of the exchange students.

Insomniac: :o

..........................................................................................................................................................

Direct message:
Crabaddict to Cookieaddict

Crabaddict: I understand y u like him now.

Crabaddict: u have me blessing

Cookieaddict: TF????

Chapter 7: OH YEAH? *says 15 slurs* TROPHY STOP-

Chapter Text

Unfortunately smart + 1 stupid

Fantheory: GUYS GUYS GUYS

LOUDGIRLYURI: WHAT

Fantheory: U KNOW THAT ONE GIRL

Gdaymate: Aren't there like... i dunno multiple girls at our school

Starving_Artist: Idk man,,, when we were in summer camp it took me a full on week to realize silver went by he/him

Ohgay: oh man summer camp days lmao

Fantheory: WERE GETTING OF TRACK THE GIRL HALF OF US HAVE A GROUP PROJECT WITH

British Tuesday: Along with pickles friend correct? Knife wasn't it?

FanTheory: YEAH UH WAHTS HER NAME

Popcornhater: Her names suitcase dumbasses

Paperboi: Wait how do U know???

Popcornhater: She won the challenge my dad made remember?

xTOIx: yeah ughjbjljjvfdtyuj

Matpat: We seem to be getting off track here, Fan what did u want to say?

FanTheory: Oh yeah well she somehow got into an argument with Trophy and then she actually made a smart comeback but then trophy looked stuck for a while cuz bro was not expecting that and then decided to call her 15 slurs

Matpat: oh dear

British tuesday: Trophy's a dick

FanTheory: THEN knife saw and then proceeded to beat the living hell out of trophy.

Fantheory: The end

Gdaymate: Oh thats... something?

xTOIx: Damm oi feol bad now

FanTheory: Not much we could have done but oh well

Chapter 8: Wanting is selfish PART 1

Summary:

UHHH
hai i lowkey kinda died srry bout that- but this is the mentioned fight with suitcase, knife, and trophy as a gift

anyways trigger for transphobia!!!!

and also for trophy being a dick as usual,,,

ANDDD just suitcase being sad smol bean :(

stay safe everyone! Love u all *sends hugs*

Chapter Text

Suitcase was a nice person.

I mean she WANTED to think that.

But WANTING is selfish and that's not exactly nice, is it?

So fine, maybe she was a horrible person since that's the only logical answer.

Having people start using different pronouns for her is extremely selfish.

And she knows that.

She knows that WANTING people she's known for years switch things up with her.

Just to feel ‘right’?

Is

 

So

 

So

 

Selfish

 

So maybe that's why when trophy walked up to her today, and he, being a classic shallow bully and started harassing her, a timid, quiet kid who used to be only known to him as the “crossdressing freak” won that challenge?

He never understood why.

So now he'd find ways to inconvenience her life just a little. Silent tactics not expected of him, so in turn made it perfect for suitcases suffering. But every little jab, inconvenience, stupid little accident made suitcases anger build up silently.

Soon Trophy would understand why Knife lost that day.

Only if Trophy pushed too hard first.

Suitcase WANTED to be a nice person after all.

But maybe Suitcase would be able to stay a nice person, even if Trophy pushed her limits.

It was what she WANTED to do.

And Knife had felt a strange feeling of protectiveness for Suitcase and if he could, he would try to give Suitcase anything she WANTED.

Plus he saw Suitcase smile an awful lot during the group project today, the first time she's ever smiled so much in a single period alone. He is not letting a blackmailing blonde jerk ruin this day.

He doesn't WANT that to happen.