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Hiyoko didn't know what to say. After preparing herself for this confrontation, she suddenly didn't have any clue of how she should act or react. She was lost at words too.
It should have been easy. She had a list of things she would say to Takashi, for this exact moment.
And yet, when the moment had come, she just didn't know what to say.
Hiyoko half-hoped that Takashi would share the same sentiment as hers, but looking at him, calm as ever, she wondered if her son handled this better than she did.
"I may have withheld this information from you, but I think you should know that I did what I did, not because I want to ask for your permission. I'm just simply letting you know, Mom."
Takashi didn't even stutter.
Since when has Takashi been this mature?
Her son had been nothing but obedient to her. This didn't sound like him. There was a flare of rebellion in this conversation. Like Takashi finally took what he wanted after he had accepted whatever Hiyoko offered and gave to him.
"Takashi, I don't think I hear you, right—" Hiyoko started, which apparently was the wrong thing to say, because Takashi's face hardened at that.
"Then, let me say it for the second time," he cut her off, maintaining eye contact the whole time, as if he needed Hiyoko to see how serious this was for him. "Mom, I'm gay. I'm never interested in girls. Not ever. And I know you don't like Draken for reasons I don't understand, but, I just want to let you know, that he and I have been in a relationship for a while."
Hiyoko would lie if she said, she didn't dread for this moment to come. She might have several scenarios before she arrived at this moment. Mostly with her and Takashi got involved in fights. If there was anything that Takashi inherited from her, then it had to be her stubbornness.
But here they were, sitting on the dining table, one on one, without Luna and Mana in sight, because it was quite late.
Takashi was the one to ask for the meeting Hiyoko had wanted to have for a while. Hiyoko had her suspicion that it would be something serious, she just didn't expect Takashi would precede her to address the issue Hiyoko had been struggling to talk about.
Without preamble, Takashi went straight to the issue.
If anything, this was more like an announcement, rather than any form of discussion.
"I hate to keep this secret from you, but we've been together for quite some time," Takashi continued. "I want to come clean to you, because you are my mother and you are the only person I should always be honest with."
Hiyoko looked at her eldest.
There was a time when Hiyoko thought she might have ruined her son for good. The divorce, the financial struggle that followed, their home situation, her overwhelming job, her own problems—Takashi might or might not have had his role in them.
If it wasn't for her son who took over the house chores, or if he hadn't been trusted her position as the mother, would Takashi become what he is, now?
If Takashi was placed in a different situation, in a different life, would he become someone different too?
Takashi who always puts everyone else first: her sisters, and even Hiyoko herself. Looking back, Hiyoko wondered why she didn't think of Takashi who had turned into the catalyst she needed when life treated her like shit?
When her husband left and Hiyoko threw herself into work, essentially neglecting her children, Takashi was always there.
The obedient son.
Even after his brief rebellious moment where he ended up shaving his head and getting a tattoo, Takashi also fulfilled her wish by immediately hiding it.
Ever since then, Takashi had proven that the brief part of the whole brief rebellious moment would always remain brief. Takashi went back to his usual self. The son who always helped his mother, a caretaker of his sisters, a boy who slowly transformed into the man of the house.
Takashi had rarely expressed his opinions, or himself for that matter. And now that he did, Hiyoko didn't know what to say.
Sure, she had prepared herself for this confrontation.
Sure, she had a list of things she would say to Takashi, for this exact moment.
Sure, she had predicted everything.
And, yet.
She suddenly didn't have any clue of how she should act or react. She was lost at words too.
It should have been easy.
And yet, when the moment had finally come, she just didn't know what to say.
Hiyoko looked at her son.
Since when have you grown up, Sweetheart?
"Takashi," Hiyoko began, only to pause because again, she actually didn't know where she should start.
Should she start by thanking him for being honest?
Should she start by apologizing for not noticing anything?
Should she start by acknowledging the fact that she didn't expect Takashi to come out to her?
Should she start by admitting the obvious, about how she had never liked Draken because to her, Draken only brought bad influence to Takashi?
Should she begin by showing Takashi that as his mother, she always had her suspicions that he wasn't like the other kids, that even if it was rooted in stereotypical thoughts, Hiyoko might have suspected that Takashi was not a heterosexual?
Should she tell Takashi any of that?
"Yasuda-san told me what kind of conversation you two had when she came over," Hiyoko expected an accusatory tone in his voice, but Takashi somehow just sounded tired. "It had been a wonderful talk, until she accidentally outed me, right? She didn't know, that you don't know. With how highly I talk about you sometimes, she thought you always knew."
Did Takashi really regard her that much?
"I never told Yasuda-san that you know nothing." Takashi's fingers tapped on the table. "You're a perfect mother after all."
The compliment felt like a hard punch in the guts.
It wasn't a compliment at all, it was disguised mockery.
What was so perfect with the way Hiyoko treated her son?
When she didn't want to address how Takashi might not be heterosexual, even if she could tell the signs?
When she still thought that Takashi could change, refusing to accept the close relationship he had with someone in his gender?
Which part of Hiyoko that made her the perfect mother, when all she ever did was to mold Takashi into her liking, ignoring his freewill, disregarding his identity because Takashi should be the perfect son for her?
Hiyoko could have tried to be more present for her children, but she had never been actually there with them.
With Takashi in particular.
"I'm sorry if I disappoint you, Mom," Takashi smiled apologetically.
There was something in those eyes, those stares—Hiyoko couldn't bear to see them.
Since when did Takashi have to grown up, without really growing up?
How could he sit there, having this conversation with Hiyoko, like he didn't have any choice?
How could he sit there, looking so mature, like he didn't need his mother?
Just how much Takashi had lost, only to let her win?
Hiyoko was sick.
How could her ego blind her this far?
"You can never disappoint me, Takashi," Hiyoko croaked the words. Takashi seemed taken aback by the confession.
"I already did, many times," he said, his face quickly returned to impassiveness.
Hiyoko firmly shook her head.
"No, Takashi, listen to me." She reached out for his hand, but Takashi retreated on reflex like he was afraid of what Hiyoko would say.
Hiyoko would lie if she said, the rejection didn't broke her heart.
Then again, how many times do I break yours, Takashi?
"Takashi, thank you for telling me this. I may have so much to learn about you, but know, that I love you for who you are. Always. You need to understand that."
The way Takashi looked at her like he didn't know her—how many times I make him believe that I won't accept who he is?
"I'm not the best mother, Takashi. I make mistakes. I do things wrong. But one thing that I know I will always try to get it right is, loving you. For who you are."
There were times when Hiyoko didn't understand any of this. Raised rather traditionally, she was bound to have limited view on world. It was not an excuse, as much as reason why she tended to see everything in black and white.
Takashi grew to be the epitome of grey for her.
There were times when Hiyoko thought whatever happened to Takashi, was her fault.
Takashi had never failed him, it was rather the other way around.
Hiyoko should drive Takashi around but she let him take over the wheel, instead.
Alone. Without her.
Takashi was never lost, he had just learned to find his own way.
"I'm sorry that I made you feel like you have to come out to me because I made you feel unsafe. That's never my intention. No, never. You can be with whoever you want, and you don't need my approval for that."
Funny, how Hiyoko had been doing the opposite and only gotten frustrated in the process because Hiyoko could never control him, but when Hiyoko admitted that she indeed could never control him, a wave of relief suddenly washed over her.
There was nothing she should change about Takashi, because Takashi didn't need any change.
Hiyoko should realize this sooner.
"You're a liar, Mom," Takashi surprisingly snorted. "You don't like my boyfriend."
But it didn't come out aggressive, only slightly aggravated, the way Takashi would bemoan about how Hiyoko ruining his curry recipe that one time she tried to cook.
At that time, Takashi kept complaining about how many aspect of his recipe that she got them wrong. But she wasn't so unaware to catch the way Takashi smiled to himself because they both knew, it was Hiyoko's way to get closer to her son.
Like she said, she would still have so much to learn, but she knew, Takashi would be there too for her, waiting for her to get it right.
Who would have known, that all she needed to do was to sit down with her son and have this conversation to come to this conclusion?
"Everything takes times, Takashi." Hiyoko deflected diplomatically. "You know how I feel about him having a bad influence on you."
Takashi rolled his eyes. But she caught a smile hidden behind the exasperated antic.
"Maybe if you get to know him better—" Takashi dangled his sentence.
Hiyoko looked at him seriously.
"You think, you and Draken can convince me?"
Tapping his chin, as if he was in the deep thought, Takashi huffed in defeat before he shrugged.
"Well, like I said, I tell you this not because I want to ask for your permission, or blessing, or whatever."
"That's true," Hiyoko chuckled, eyes sparkling with mirth. "But it doesn't mean that Draken doesn't want it either, does he?"
Takashi groaned, grumbling something about how his mother always embarrassed him.
But, honestly, Hiyoko would rather pick the option of embarrassing his son, than disappointing him.
"When are you gonna officially introduce us, then?" Hiyoko folded her arms on the table, tilting her head. "I need to get to know him better, right?"
"Ugh, maybe this is a bad idea," Takashi muttered under his breath. It delighted Hiyoko that Takashi had taken off the mantle of impassiveness and now openly flustered over her words.
"Not at all," Hiyoko responded cheerfully. "Mother knows best, you know."
And this mother also knows to be better, too.