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It's funny, really, how such intense emotions can arise from such small things. The past day had been immensely eventful for Hoseok, an emotional roller coaster in of itself, but none of it compares to what's to come. The small, unassuming wooden box in his hands, labelled 'To Hoseok' and containing six letters, no more, no less, would be the cause of a flood of emotions.
Not knowing what to expect or what's in store for him, Hoseok gingerly lifts the clasp on the box with nimble fingers and removes its contents. There are six smooth, white envelopes. Each envelope's addressed to him, but there's no address, only neatly written dates on the top left corner. Hoseok hesitates. It's clear Hyungwon never intended to actually send Hoseok these letters, yet his name's written so neatly on each one of them, practically inviting Hoseok to open them up and read them. It makes Hoseok wonder if he should continue, or if these letters aren't for his prying eyes.
It takes a moment of contemplation, but ultimately, Hoseok's curiosity wins out. He sifts through the letters and picks out the oldest one, gently tearing the envelope open and retrieving Hyungwon's letter. The paper crinkles when Hoseok unfolds it and he's greeted by Hyungwon's lazy, yet elegant, scrawl. A bittersweet smile creeps across Hoseok's face; he could practically see Hyungwon writing the letter, pink tongue poking out slightly and long fingers tugging at his own hair while pen scratches across paper.
Snapping out of his reverie, Hoseok refocuses on the actual content of the letter.
Dear Hoseok,
I know this letter will never reach your hands and these words will never grace your eyes. Nevertheless, I still write to you. Don't ask me why. I've searched my mind again and again for an answer, exploring its deepest recesses and corners. I've come to conclude that I don't know. I just don't know. Perhaps my illogical attachment to you is something I'll never be able to fathom.
I guess it's not healthy to keep everything internalized, like you keep telling me and I keep brushing off. It's just something I've done for the majority of my life. I keep everything held in until I can't take it anymore and I explode. Open the dam and let it all pour out. Wreak destruction and wrack up a casualty count.
Maybe it's good for me to let things out in a more controlled manner, like with this letter. I don't want things to get bad again. I don't want to go back to where I was, all chaos and desperation. It terrifies me to know that I'm perfectly capable of falling straight back into old habits at the drop of a pin.
It's been raining pretty heavily lately, but the rain can't compare to the heaviness of my mood. My bones have filled with lead and I can barely move. It's as if I'd sink straight through the earth if left unchecked. Sometimes I find that I can't breathe. I just want to breathe. I feel my lungs on fire, set ablaze by unreciprocated desire. Needles of longing prick at my skin, but I know you'll never love me the way I want you to. Is it so wrong to need someone? Is it so wrong to want them to need you back?
It hurts, Hoseok; it really does.
I love you. Can't you accept that? Every time I tell you, you brush me aside like I don't mean it, but I do. I pour every ounce of my being into those three words that you haphazardly string together and spit right back. I wonder if you know how much it hurts, hearing you say one thing and mean another. It's like a punch in the gut. I'm nauseous from getting punched in the gut. Please stop telling me you love me. It's not the same, it'll never be the same.
I miss you. I miss what we were, simply friends and nothing more. I know it's my fault that's gone, but I miss it all the same. I keep turning back the hands on my clocks, but nothing brings back lost time.
Sorrow has a name and it's shared with you.
Love always,
Hyungwon
Upon finishing the letter, Hoseok frowns and rereads it, making sure he hasn't misinterpreted Hyungwon's words. But they're there, clear and unmistakable as the sun in the sky on a cloudless summer's day. It leaves Hoseok no choice but to accept the letter for what it is.
The mystery of why Hyungwon would write him letters in the first place is partially solved, yet that only raises more questions. Why had Hyungwon chosen to address these letters to Hoseok, specifically? Why hadn't he written these thoughts in a journal or a diary? Based on the letter, it seems that Hyungwon was just as clueless.
(In reality, it has something to do with Hyungwon's want to confide his love for Hoseok.)
Another thought hits him, and Hoseok scrambles to examine the date on the envelope more closely. It's from three years ago. Hoseok curses himself for not seeing the warning signs earlier. He curses himself for not recognizing Hyungwon's feelings and for ignoring his own, because he'd felt the same.
But it's too late now.
With a sigh, Hoseok picks the second oldest out of the letters scattered across his desk and carefully opens it. This time around, Hoseok's curiosity is more tinged with nervousness. His fingers fumble as he unfolds Hyungwon's second letter.
Dear Hoseok,
Sometimes, it feels like it's a game to you. You're there one moment, singing my praises and treating me like the only thing that matters, then the next you barely cast me a glance as you talk about your latest object of fancy. Do you take pleasure in burying daggers into my chest? Do you revel in my pain?
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. You're not that type of person. You're kind and you're sensitive and you try, man do you try, to help me. You're too good to me. I don't deserve you and I never will. I'm grateful, I truly am.
You're just painfully oblivious.
Love always,
Hyungwon
Each word hits Hoseok like a ton of bricks. He'd harbored feelings for Hyungwon, but tried to reign them in out of fear. He'd complimented the boy and shamelessly flirted with him, only to distance himself when he felt like he was getting too close. Hoseok had no idea that his actions had this kind of effect; had he known, he would've confessed to Hyungwon.
Like Hyungwon'd written, Hoseok was painfully oblivious.
Hoseok isn't sure if he wants to continue reading these letters, but at this point, he feels as if he owes it to Hyungwon to do so. With shaky fingers, Hoseok rips open the envelope and takes out Hyungwon's third letter.
Dear Hoseok,
It seems like I like to write when it rains. Lightning spiderwebs across the sky; it's brief, less than a mere second. I can't bring myself to care, I just turn away from the window and continue to write to you. Write about the feelings I can't, and will never, express.
I can't get you out of my head. I can't shake the feeling of your hands caressing my face and the image of your fluttering eyelids when you lean in close. "Don't tell anyone." You'd said. I'm sure you have your reasons for wanting to keep it all a secret, but I can't figure out what they are. Am I an embarrassment? If so, I understand.
It was meant to be a 'no strings attached' deal, where we'd kiss, touch, and make love whenever we wanted to and leave feelings by the wayside. Or rather, we'd kiss, touch, and I'd make love while you'd fuck, because I'm not enough for it to mean anything to you.
But, I'm already attached. I've been attached for a long time.
Your kisses taste like sugar and heartbreak; I'm addicted. I'm addicted to your soft lips and the way your fingers tangle in my hair. You're a drug, poisoning me with insincerity while never ceasing to make me crave more. When your skin touches mine, rainclouds scatter and lights burn brighter.
I've fallen, harder and further than I should ever fall, and you won't be there to catch me in the end. It won't be long until I hit the ground and have the air crushed out of me.
Will anyone ever love me like I love you?
Love always,
Hyungwon
Hoseok can picture Hyungwon, sitting by the window with lightning in the backdrop illuminating his features. Although he doesn't know for sure, Hoseok thinks Hyungwon writes these letters a lot like the way he writes poetry. Clear as day, Hoseok can recall the way Hyungwon hunches over a desk, pouring his soul into the words he writes, so immersed he's completely unaware of Hoseok spying on and admiring him. He imagines Hyungwon doing the same while addressing these words to him. If these letters weren't so devastating, Hoseok would've smiled.
More than anything, Hoseok can relate to Hyungwon's words in this particular letter. They may not have been in the exact same situation, but Hoseok had loved Hyungwon as well, and Hoseok had been addicted to Hyungwon as well. The difference was that Hoseok was scared and tried to pull back, tried to keep himself from falling, whilst Hyungwon embraced his emotions and let them consume him. Hoseok was a coward, and he hates himself for it.
And fuck, it hurts Hoseok to know Hyungwon thought he wasn't good enough or that he was an embarrassment. It hurts because Hyungwon is beautiful to Hoseok, and Hoseok always felt as if Hyungwon's too good for him. It hurts to know someone so wonderful had these thoughts about themselves, especially when it's all because of someone as exceptionally awful as Hoseok believes himself to be.
Hoseok's fingertips skim across Hyungwon's fourth letter and he tries to swallow the lump in his throat when he sees the date. Apprehension swells within him; he knows what's coming next. With a heavy heart and clumsy, anxiety-ridden fingers, Hoseok opens the third envelope and retrieves the letter from within it.
Glancing over the letter, Hoseok sees that it's longer than the others he's read so far. Before he even reads it, Hoseok knows why. He takes a deep breath before he dives in.
Dear Hoseok,
It's been a while since I've written to you and things have changed. You left, because I'm a lot to handle and I'm difficult to love. It's alright though, people always leave and you at least put forth the effort for a while. I appreciate that. I feel shattered and broken, but it'll pass. It has to.
It's raining outside again. I'm sitting at the old table in the bedroom we used to share with the desk lamp on and a pen clenched in my hands. All I hear is raindrops and the scratch of ink on paper. I feel lonelier than ever. I miss you, more than I know how to describe in words. Sometimes I want to cry, but I find that I'm too numb to. I wish I could still cry, perhaps tears would carry some of the weight off my heart. Dislodge the emotional debris.
It's springtime and it's strange, how much colder the air's become lately. Maybe I just miss your body heat, miss the way we fit together like puzzle pieces.
The rain patters on the roof and I feel trapped. I shouldn't be stuck here in this empty apartment without you. I should be outside with the rain. I am more akin to the raindrops on the rooftop than this unnaturally lit room.
On second thought, perhaps I am equally akin to both. I feel like the flickering bulbs in the bathroom, hollow and expiring, while I simultaneously contain the melancholy of rain. Isn't that a funny contradiction, fading light and rain? Perhaps it's not a contradiction at all. I find that rainclouds have a dimming effect similar to that of a dying lightbulb.
I don't know anymore. I've been writing more poetry lately, but everything comes tinged with your memory. I don't know how to properly explain the phenomenon. My heart clenches. Everything comes pouring out. Perhaps it's my mind's way of telling me to let go and start anew. I can't do that. For one, I wouldn't know where to start again, for another, I could never let go of you.
I can't tell who I was before you. Everything before you came into my life is a blur, a smudge on my timeline. You were, no, you are the most significant person to walk into my life. My feelings towards you are the rawest, most genuine emotions I've felt during my time on earth. I can't let go of you, I just can't.
I've been finding myself speaking more like you lately, borrowing your vocabulary to express my intentions. I hope you don't mind that I never return the words I stole. I can't lose that part of you too.
If someone told me a few years ago I'd feel this way at your departure, I would've laughed. I never thought I'd lose sleep over you leaving. I never thought I'd grow to care this much. I guess we just don't see some things coming.
I close my eyes and all I see is your face. I cover my ears and all I hear is your voice. I shut off my heart and all I feel is the way it shattered during our last embrace. Why can't I rid myself of you?
I'm so tired. Please come back. I need you.
Love always,
Hyungwon
If the second letter Hoseok read was like a pile of bricks, this one's like being continuously hit by numerous incoming freight trains.
Hoseok can feel Hyungwon's desperation behind each word; he can feel the loneliness ooze from the ink on the paper. It tears Hoseok apart and hurts him more than he knows how to express. Hoseok remembers feeling similarly to Hyungwon when he left, albeit to a lesser degree. Rather than blindly wanting Hyungwon, Hoseok was comforted by the idea, though false, that he was doing them both a favor. He went to bed at night thinking he'd done the right thing. After all the longing and pain Hyungwon had experienced, and without sharing Hoseok's mindset, Hoseok can only imagine how Hyungwon felt.
There are two letters to go; Hoseok can't bear to read them. He doesn't know if he can handle what they contain. The guilt and regret he feels is overwhelming, but if Hyungwon's had to endure all this because of Hoseok, Hoseok figures he owes it to Hyungwon to at least try to understand what it must've been like.
Hoseok opens Hyungwon's fifth letter.
Dear Hoseok,
Everything's been worsening. I thought I'd improve with the passage of time, but without you, I've been sinking deeper and deeper into the pits of my own mind. I've been confined to my bedroom, our bedroom, for several weeks on end now. I can't eat and I sleep too much. I never want to do anything.
Minhyuk's been trying to get me out of the apartment, but I can't stand to be around him. It sounds so petty, but I can't stand his happiness. It only drains me further.
I'm entirely consumed by the pain of missing you; I feel nothing else.
Sometimes I feel as if I can't breathe. My body's wracked with coughs. I half-expect to splutter up blood contaminated with the lies you've told. I am not afraid, I am not mad; only lonely and immensely sad. Desperation feels tangible, it lingers so heavily in the air I can taste it.
I feel myself slipping away. I used to be afraid of this, but lately I've found that I couldn't care less. It's getting bad again, Hoseok, but I can't bring myself to care. Let it get bad again. Let me tear myself apart. Maybe it'll help me start to feel something other than what missing you brings.
I leave my weaknesses exposed, inviting invisible forces to tear me apart. I lay motionless and imagine myself bleeding out. I imagine purging myself of the desolation my blood carries and I imagine flowers growing from my decomposed flesh. It's cathartic.
I told Changkyun this the other day, he seemed concerned and asked me if I was alright. I smiled and said I was fine, but the truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I'm alright, hell, I don't even know if I want to be alive.
You know what death is to me? A trade. My damaged soul for an indifferent eternity. An escape from agony. How could I possibly resist that?
I just want you to hold me one last time.
Love always,
Hyungwon
Hoseok remembers Hyungwon at his worst. Food didn't appeal to him, resulting in sallow skin and prominent ribs. Every smile seemed forced, unnaturally stretched across Hyungwon's lips. His eyes were devoid of any sort of emotion and all he ever did was sleep. Sometimes he'd wear sweaters in the middle of summer to cover up what he'd done to himself just to feel something. Hoseok remembers this vividly and the thought of a similar situation reoccurring because of him makes him sick to the stomach.
It's becoming clearer and clearer to Hoseok that what happened was all his fault, and that he's the scum of the earth for what he did to Hyungwon.
Picking up the sixth, and final, envelope, Hoseok gently opens it. He takes his time, drawing out the process to delay the words he's sure will shatter him.
Hoseok unfolds Hyungwon's sixth letter.
Dear Hoseok,
I love you. Thank you. I'm sorry.
Love always,
Hyungwon
Hoseok's hands clench around the last letter until it's crumpled and his hands form fists. His legs tremble and he sinks to the ground.
"No." He whispers. "No. No."
It had been an eventful day for Hoseok; he'd gone to Hyungwon's funeral. He'd prepared words dedicated to the deceased as per his request, but had been unable to finish them before crumbling and bursting into tears. The tears never seemed to end, even when Hoseok felt as if he'd cried so much there must've been no more left. Hoseok recalls Hyungwon's mother placing a comforting hand on his shoulder; he recalls peering into her glistening eyes before pulling her into an embrace and crying together.
It had been an open casket, and Hyungwon looked just as ethereal in death as he did in life. Not that Hoseok expected any less. It took all of Hoseok's willpower not to lean down and kiss Hyungwon then and there; the two things that stopped him were a fear of disrupting the funeral, and an even bigger fear of Hyungwon's icy skin confirming his death. Hoseok didn't think he'd be able to handle that, just like he hadn't been able to handle the news of Hyungwon's death in the first place.
At some point during the night, Hyungwon's mother handed Hoseok that small wooden box, the same one he'd just finished reading through.
It'd been hard, getting home; Hoseok dragged his feet along the pavement and forced himself to move forward. Each step sunk blades into his heart and made him feel as if the ground had turned to quicksand with him wading through it. When he arrived at the wooden door of his apartment, he jammed the key into the lock, turned it roughly, and pushed the door hard, making it fling open and slam into the wall. Hoseok's limbs inched forward, draining the last of his energy, before he collapsed onto the couch and began to cry again.
That's when he picked up the box and read the letters.
It takes a while for him to compose himself afterwards, but Hoseok knows what he has to do next. Grabbing a pen and paper, Hoseok writes his own letter to Hyungwon.
Dear Hyungwon,
I attended your funeral today, dressed in a crisp black suit. The same one I wore on our first date, the one I'd insisted wasn't a date. I can still hear your laughter ringing in the air when I'd suggested we ditch the fancy restaurant for some ramen. You looked so beautiful, Hyungwon, and I wish I'd told you. I wish I'd had the courage to tell you a lot of things I can never tell you now.
You looked so peaceful in that casket, there were no residues of the downcast lethargy that so often filled you in life. It was like you were simply sleeping. It reminded me of all the times you'd take naps in the apartment and I'd catch myself staring. I couldn't tear my gaze away from the way your plush lips parted ever so slightly, the way your hair laid around you, and the way your eyelashes curved; you were, no, you are so beautiful, Chae Hyungwon. I refuse to refer to you in the past tense. I refuse to let myself acknowledge that you're gone, and that everything I felt is going to remain caught in my throat forever. I don't think I could handle that.
Your mother gave me a little box labeled 'To Hoseok', saying she'd found it when cleaning out your room. I asked her if she knew what was inside, and she said it wasn't her place to pry. She cried when she spoke of you and I held her. I cried too; I did love you, you know. I do love you. I was a coward who ran from my feelings, and you deserved so much more than me, but I love you. I wish you'd known that.
I've read your letters, the ones I found in that little box, and they're heartbreaking. I love you so much and I wish you'd known; I wish I hadn't been so scared and I hadn't drawn back every time I felt it was getting too apparent. I was so scared, Hyungwon. In my experience, all love brings is pain and severed friendships; I couldn't do that to us, Hyungwon. I'm a coward, and I ran when things started getting too serious. I realize now that I'd made a grave mistake, one I regret with every fiber of my being.
I'm so sorry, Hyungwon. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through, I'm so sorry for not being honest and telling you how I felt, and I'm so, so sorry I made you feel all the things you felt. This is all my fault and I'm consumed with guilt. I can't possibly apologize enough. No words could possibly erase what I've done to you.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Love,
Hoseok
P.S. I'm coming to see you.
It takes some time for Hoseok to muster up the energy to do what he intends to with the words he's written.
When the time comes, Hoseok places his letter atop Hyungwon's grave, along with a bouquet of small blue flowers. Tears form in his eyes of their own accord, and before he knows it, Hoseok is sobbing uncontrollably. A man finds Hoseok many hours later, still knelt before Hyungwon's grave while wailing in misery, and gently places a hand on his shoulder before kindly telling him to go home.
Later that night, Hoseok's phone buzzes with texts from Kihyun. They're calm and harmless at first, but Kihyun grows worried when Hoseok doesn't respond, because the boy is usually quite quick to answer a text and Kihyun frets too much. Hoseok's phone explodes, and when there's still no answer, Kihyun decides to come by his friend's apartment to see if he's doing alright.
Kihyun opens the door with the spare key he knows Hoseok keeps above the door frame and searches the apartment before discovering Hoseok submerged in the bathtub, still fully clothed. The water's tinged a bright crimson, and there's a note on the floor beside the tub. The sight absolutely horrifies Kihyun, but he moves forward to pick up the note nonetheless. When Kihyun reads it, he chokes back a sob.
To the unfortunate soul who finds me in this state,
I'm sorry if seeing me like this has scarred you. I needed to see him again and make amends.
Please bury me by Chae Hyungwon. That's all I ask of from the world of the living.
Thank you.
Shin Hoseok