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Till wouldn’t call himself stupid.
Socially inept? Sure. Physically unfit? Maybe. Aggressive? Definitely. But stupid? No, not really. So why was everyone looking at him like he was?
“What?”
Mizi and Sua looked at each other, some kind of lesbian telepathy going on between them. Gross.
“Till,” Mizi began, slowly. As if Till was some kind of stupid animal. “What makes you think Ivan wouldn’t like you like that?”
“Because he said so?” Till responded, dodging their gazes.
Sua raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow that probably cost way more than Till’s entire monthly allowance, “Did he? Did he really?”
“Okay, not exactly.” Till looked down, fiddling with his drink that was definitely the cause of his wet hands thank you very much. “But it’s… you know. The vibes.”
Mizi and Sua looked at each other again. Fucking lesbians.
And it’s not like Till resented their relationship. Even with his previous, embarrassing, crush on Mizi, he was all for them being happy. But it’s hard when it reminds him just how fucking single he is.
A feeling even more exacerbated by the aforementioned incident that started the entire conversation.
“Ugh.” Till groaned, slamming his head on the table. It hurts, but not as much as his pride.
“What even happened for you to have thought of that?” Mizi, ever the sunshine child that she was, tried calming the man down. “Maybe you just misunderstood something?”
“Misunderstood what?” Till looked up, not bothering to raise his head. “That he hates me and never wants to see me again and that I should just run away to the forest and die in a tiny cottage alone?”
“Girl.” Sua said.
Till groaned again, before starting to explain quite possibly what the worst moment of his life was.
If there was one word Till would use to describe Ivan, it would be the word freak.
The two of them had known each other since diapers, going to the same kindergarten all the way to college. Till wouldn’t question it if it wasn’t so abundantly clear just how much better Ivan is than this dumpster of a town. He graduated high school as valedictorian, got multiple out-of-state full ride scholarships that he’s definitely too rich to need, and was always surrounded by his many, many, adoring fans. If Ivan wanted to take over the world, Till is sure he could do it. Genuinely.
Which is why it came as a shock to everyone, Till included, when Ivan decided on attending the local university. Ivan always said it didn’t matter where he graduated from and that he was more than happy with staying close to his childhood city.
Till, who grew up with Ivan being a little leech, didn’t believe it one bit. He saw that man eat a bug he thought was cute. He saw that man purposely break a chair in elementary for no reason and proceed to cry his stupid crocodile tears that were somehow charming enough to convince their teacher to pay for the damage herself. There was no way in hell and back that Ivan was sentimental enough to stay here for college.
One night, after finishing a project that took three all-nighters and more than 12 cans of Redbull, Till thought he could finally rest at peace after finishing his magnum opus, a painting worth 20% of his grade.
Comfortably in bed, he proceeded to drift to sleep– only to be blasted with visions, waking him up entirely. Almost as if his brain has finally unlocked the hidden 90%. It was of his friends, his past, his story. A prophet, one could call him. All his thoughts were consumed. Ideas, theories, maybe even some hallucinations, all pointed towards the same conclusion.
Ivan liked Till.
Looking back on their entire childhood, it became more obvious. The entire year the two boys met, Ivan had been mute, only staring at the other kids playing. Others said he was creepy, Till thought they were assholes and should go away, a thought he shared out loud in a manner only a 5-year-old could say; by punching the kids until they all ran to an adult.
After that, Ivan began following Till around. He still never spoke and would constantly stare at Till. The 5-year-old Till found this absolutely delightful. Finally! An audience to his artistic talents and creations such as Sandcastle and Sand Mountain (there was only so much an aspiring artist could do in the sandbox). Ivan had been weird enough that even their teacher was happy to leave him alone with Till. Anything to make him engage with other people, they said. Anything to get him the fuck away from me, Till understood.
Come the next year, and to everyone’s shock, Till was greeted with a very happy ‘hi!’ from his unofficial shadow the moment he entered the classroom. The 6-year-old had gone from a clingy, mute shadow to a very clingy, chatterbox. A chatterbox that proceeded to follow him everywhere he went, hogging him away from potential friends. Till didn’t mind, all those other kids were assholes anyway.
Elementary school comes, and Ivan is still following Till around like a lost puppy. It was around this time that the two met Sua and Mizi, a pair that changed Till’s life. Or rather, Mizi changed Till’s life. A stupid kid, Till could barely look at the girl without bursting into flames. She was so kind and friendly; Till couldn’t help but doodle their initials together in a heart.
Ivan took a while longer to warm up to the pair. Apparently, Ivan and Sua were cousins and already knew each other (Present Till could swear up and down that he never saw the two in the same family reunions. Reunions that Ivan wouldn’t quit pestering Till until he agreed to be the man’s plus one). Despite that, the two were cold, often ignoring each other in favor of the other two. Ivan and Mizi also started out similarly, though Mizi, the extrovert that she was, did her best to befriend the boy.
And once Ivan warmed up, the two were close. Not as close as Ivan was to Till, or Sua to Mizi, but close enough that Till could feel sparks of jealousy form. He handled this about as well as a 7-year-old could, by declaring that he hated Ivan and never wanted to see him again.
And not see him did Till do. For about 3 days straight. He ignored the boy every time he asked to play together. He asked the teacher if he could change pairing on an activity. He locked himself in the bathroom to avoid the other kid. By the third day, he could only see Ivan peeking at him behind a corner.
This ended when, before he could go home, he was intercepted by Ivan who suddenly grabbed his sleeve. Annoyed, he was about to run away when the boy suddenly burst into tears and loud wailing. Freaked out, Till finally apologized and the two were back to being inseparable. This incident taught Till that Ivan would forever be the leach that he was, as if being without Till would kill him.
High school arrived and suddenly everyone gained consciousness. Personalities became defined, realistic plans for the future were formed, and more importantly; everyone was suddenly all up in Ivan’s business. A sudden growth spurt, muscles filling in, and he was the hottest person on campus. Till would’ve been annoyed (were they there when Ivan was a little creep hiding behind walls? No. You know who was there? Till. And no, teenage Till wasn’t jealous.), but it didn’t matter when Ivan was still weird.
Except he got weirder. Grown ass teenage Ivan would whine, beg, even cry, if Till so much as hinted he didn’t want to hang out with him over the weekend. And if he really couldn’t make it, then Ivan would make sure Till’s phone never got a moment of rest. Constantly sending him texts, memes, and if Till was in a good enough mood, maybe even a call. Once a leach, always a leach, Till thought with satisfaction.
Beyond that, another thing that changed in high school was that things would go missing, only for Ivan to miraculously find it. Pencils, clothes, and a notebook would be lost and returned. (The notebook contained songs he wrote for Mizi, more often than not love songs declaring his years long dream of maybe holding hands. Strangely enough, Ivan never stole that notebook again.) Till didn’t give this habit much thought, adding it to his long list of Ivan’s weird Ivanisms.
If anything, Till thought this was rather childish. It would have made him mad, except after seeing how many people would confess their crush towards the school king, it made him feel relieved. Happy that, despite his popularity, Ivan would still be the same freak that followed him relentlessly.
Which is why, come college, in his bed after painting like his life depended on it, with more redbull than blood in his body, Till suddenly realized that oh shit! Ivan had a crush on him! Since elementary at least!!
The revelation, something that could have only been given to him by the gods of homosexuality above, made Till reevaluate everything. And you know what? If there’s one thing Till isn’t, it’s a coward. (Everyone around him disagrees.)
Two days later, because he really needed the rest, Till made his way to Ivan like a man on a mission. He had prepared a letter, Ivan’s favorite candy, and also tickets to this one movie the two were really looking forward to. After all, it’s practically guaranteed that Ivan would say yes.
Finally finding him in a lab working on a project (out of everything Till knew of Ivan, he still never predicted Ivan to take Physics), Till paused. Okay, it’s not like Till remained purposely ignorant of Ivan’s good looks. He always thought he was hot. But in a I love my homies type. Now, with the lens of romance, suddenly it was Oh god I want to suck his co– Till promptly focused on the man he was looking for.
Maybe it was the sudden awareness of what he was exactly about to do. Or maybe it was because sleep-deprived Till is vastly more confident than had-enough-sleep Till could ever be. But either way, it made Till sort of shy. It took everything in him, and the energy drink he chugged an hour prior, to knock and catch his attention.
Once the two met eyes, Ivan lit up. Holy shit. How could Till have been so blind before? Ivan’s eyes shined like he just found the greatest treasure on Earth, and he rushed towards Till like an overgrown puppy meeting its owner. Curse you, Past-Till!!
“Till!” Ivan smiled. Has his eyes always been this bright? “Rare to see you here.”
He smells so nice. Till never thought he would be a fan of that cologne that only rich people would buy, but goddamn does Ivan wear it good. Even under the lab coat he was wearing; Till could tell Ivan was probably wearing something that cost more than his house.
“Till?”
Shit, he was staring for too long. Till came all the way here hoping to protrude a sense of unbothered energy. Idgaf, his aura would say. The way he practically ogles his best friend is definitely NOT giving nonchalance.
He scanned his billions of neurons for a way to save face, any way to act like a proper human being.
“…Sup.” YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON
Something must have been showing on his face because Ivan, who had his head tilted cutely while waiting for Till to respond, suddenly got this devious little glint that showed Till the man was about to be a menace.
Nervous, and reasonably suspicious, Till began backing away. Ivan, the asshole that he was, stepped forward in tandem with Till, all while maintaining that devious glint in his eyes. A smirk began forming.
“Till, are those for me?” Ivan asked, leaning closer. Defensive, Till shuffled the goodies further behind his back, a blush forming.
Now ordinarily, Till would be gearing up to sock Ivan for daring to be so close. Ordinarily, Till would be loudly cursing Ivan to hell and back. But that was old Till. Old Till who was a coward and a wimp and fucking blind. This Till is the new and improved Till. The Till that is confident and knows what he wants.
Shyly, like the many females that would confess to Ivan, Till nodded. He was avoiding Ivan’s gaze, not bearing the embarrassment. He presented the goodies to Ivan, hoping to hide the tremors in his hands. “Yeah… these are for you.”
It was silent for a bit. Why was it silent for a bit???
Looking up, Ivan was looking at him with wide eyes and an indiscernible look on his face. The longer Ivan just stared at him, Till was doubting everything the Prophet Till had been so sure of. “…is something wrong?”
Ivan blinked. He looked back down to the goodies in Till’s hand, and back up to Till’s eyes. “Did I do something?”
“What? No?”
“…Are you sure?”
“Jesus fuck Ivan!” Till snapped. He shoved the gifts towards Ivan, the other doing his best to make sure nothing falls. “It’s a gift. Ever heard of that, you fucking weirdo??”
Ivan picked up the candy, Snickers, eyes still wide. “…why?”
“Because I like you?!” Till wanted to pull his hair out. He knew Ivan was weird, but not this weird. “Holy shit! I knew you were stupid, but this is on a whole other level!”
Ivan just blinked. Then, like a psychopath, he began laughing. Loudly. Like he was the Joker.
“What the fuck?” Till was stupefied. “Are you laughing at me?”
Ivan kept laughing. Tears were forming in his eyes. It was starting to get pretty offensive at this point. Seriously, who laughs at someone confessing??
“Till…” Ivan let out, wiping off some of the tears. He was trying to gather his breath after that ridiculous laughing session.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Till screeched, face bright red at this point. Whether from rage or embarrassment, no one knew. “How dare you?! You are such a fucking asshole. Holy fuck!”
Till’s outrage seemed to start another fit within Ivan, who began immediately laughing once again. His laugh was loud enough that everyone inside the lab was now staring at them. Including fucking Luka. Ugh. Till hated that man.
“Listen Till,” After a few minutes, Ivan finally calmed down. He stood up straight and offered back the gifts in his hands. “No, you don’t.”
What.
“What.”
Despite the mirth of his insanity-fueled laughter, his eyes were empty, matching the insanity of his words. “You don’t like me like that. I know you just finished that big project a few days ago, and now you’re just so hyped up on the dopamine of finishing that you think you’re in love with me.”
“What the fuck?”
Gently, Ivan grabbed Till’s hand. Even gentler, he placed the candy and the letter in Till’s palm. “We can still watch the movie, but really you don’t have to think of it as a special date or whatever.”
“Wait–” Till tried. He really did. But Ivan was so crazy that Till’s brain was in the middle of resetting from a blue screen. “Go back. What’s going on now?”
Ivan chuckled, this time a little soulless. He looked at Till like he knew something Till didn’t, and Till was still recovering from whatever the fuck happened to be frustrated. What he said next, however, was about to turn this from a weird but totally in the realm of his Ivanisms moment to the worst moment of Till’s life. “Besides, I don’t think I’d be a good partner for you.”
Ah– he hates me.
“Wow.” Both girls were looking at Till as he finished retelling the worst moment of his life.
“When Mizi said tell us everything, she didn’t mean tell us your whole goddamn life story.” Sua said, continuing the salad she was still somehow not finished with. “I especially didn’t appreciate the part where you were gooning about Mizi.”
“I thought it was sweet.” Mizi interjected.
“It was for context!” Till defended himself. “Besides, that’s not the point. Ivan rejected me and thought I would be a terrible romantic partner.”
Sua sighed. She looked, quite frankly, dead inside. “Look Till, I’ll only say this because we have been friends since elementary. My cousin is a freak.”
“Yes, we know.” Till nodded.
“He’s only a freak for you.”
“I thought so too. But look where that got me.”
Sua ignored him. “And as you could probably tell, Ivan isn’t the most mentally well-adjusted. You weren’t wrong, that idiot has been obsessed with you since forever. Who else would gaslight someone into thinking you needed to practice making out with your best friend before getting a date?”
“In my defense, he was really convincing.”
“He really wasn’t. My point is– Ivan is insane and mentally fucked up and if you’re seriously committed to dating that freak, you would have to do some equally insane shit to get it through that thick head of his that you mean it.” Sua finished, wiping her mouth with a tissue as she placed her utensils back on the tray.
“Ugh.” Till groaned, slamming his head back down on the table. “What should I even do?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care.” Sua started packing her stuff.
Mizi had been silent for the most part of this conversation. With how close Mizi and Ivan are, Till was sure she was holding back on something.
“I think,” Mizi finally started. “The two of you need to have one clear talk.”
Till looked at her like she was crazy. “I just tried that, and do you see me with a boyfriend?”
“I meant a proper talk. Like sit down and have a discussion.” Mizi rolled her eyes. “Make sure Ivan knows this is serious. Wear a suit if you have to.”
“That’s so much work…” Till definitely did not whine.
“And do you think Ivan is worth it?”
Till didn’t respond. To be completely honest, he hadn’t really given his feelings much thought. He had been so swept up in the realization that Ivan has had feelings for him for over a decade now to really think about whether he felt the same. Mizi seems to sense what Till was thinking about and let out a sigh.
“Look, you’re both my dearest friends and I want nothing more than the two of you to be happy. So whatever you decide, I wish you luck.” With that, both girls left the table, leaving Till alone with his stupid thoughts.
After finishing his classes, Till had spent the entire walk to his dorms thinking. Whatever he felt for his childhood friend was definitely more than friendship. But the truth is, the two are so ingrained in each other’s life that Till never felt like something was missing. It felt like their current dynamic was already perfect. Did anything really have to change?
What would being a couple even be like? Holding hands, hugging, kissing? The two already did all those! Okay maybe not kissing (except that one time Ivan wanted to practice), but is Till really missing out? He thought back on the black-haired boy, how he always hid the devil in him behind an innocent, angelic smile. How his muscles are so clearly defined for an athlete.
Till started blushing. Maybe his feelings for the man also included a bit of horniness. But beyond that, he thought of how Ivan always seemed to know what Till wanted that day. How Ivan, despite being cheeky, always knew when to step back and give Till space. And how, especially during his Mizi-phase, always knew how to comfort his unrequited crush.
“Till!”
So deep in thought, Till completely missed the man coming over until he slung his arm over Till’s shoulder. Letting out a grunt, he shrugged it off. “Fuck off.”
“Is this about earlier?” Ivan asked.
Till knew Ivan was fucked in the head. After all, he grew up with that freak glued to his side. Still, it didn’t erase the hurt of having his feelings brushed off.
He ignored the man and kept going on his way. A little bit faster this time
“You know, I should be the one offended. It’s very rude to play with someone’s feelings, you know?” Ivan easily kept up. Fucking jock.
“Says the one who laughed in my face.”
“Listen, I really am sorry about that.” Ivan moved to be in front of Till, stopping them both in their tracks. “But really, it’s not my fault I don’t believe you.”
“The fuck are you on?” Till glowered.
“Look, when you had your crush on Mizi, you were so obvious about it. You couldn’t even form sentences around her. The only reason Mizi didn’t respond earlier was because she was as dense as you were. Trust me, if you had a crush, everyone would have known.” Ivan smiled.
Till could only gape in shock. Blushing, “I- I’m not that obvious…”
“You totally are. But you were completely normal with me this entire time. There were no signs. Let me guess, you finally figured out I have feelings for you and thought you should do something about it.” Ivan sighed, as if he wasn’t completely clocking Till.
Till didn’t know how to respond. On one hand, Ivan was completely right. On the other hand, no way in hell and back was Ivan going to be right.
“Shut the fuck up! Who are you to decide what I feel or not?!” Till screeched. He shoved Ivan to the side and continued storming his way back to his dorm.
“Listen!” Ivan followed. “No harmed feelings, we can move past this like nothing’s happened, okay? You don’t have to be nice to me about my crush.”
Finally reaching his building, Till quickly turned to Ivan. “No, you listen! I want to date you and I will convince you, okay?! Now shut up and leave me alone!”
With that, he went in and slammed the door shut, leaving Ivan stunned. Satisfied, Till went to his room and started planning.