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Charlie climbed out of the Mako, immediately starting to rip her armor off piece by piece, throwing it and her weapons into her locker before she grabbed her clothes and slammed it shut. Without even bothering to put them on, she stormed towards the elevator, ignoring the wide-eyed looks she was getting from her crew-mates.
When she got up to her cabin, she pulled on her tank top and uniform pants and sat down at the table, burying her face in her hands. A knock sounded at her door and she jerked upright, frowning.
"What?"
"Commander?"
At the sound of Kaidan's voice, Charlie sighed, debating on whether or not to let him in. She knew he probably wanted to talk about what happened, and while it would probably make her feel better—talking with him usually did—she wasn't in the mood. She was in the mood for a drink… or two.
"Shepard?" he called out more insistently.
"Come in," she said, giving in. She heard the door open and Kaidan's footsteps move towards the table, until he sat down in the chair next to her.
"Are you all right?"
Sitting up straight, she glared at him. "No, I'm not. I should have killed that fucker. I shouldn't have let him get away."
"But the hostages would have died," Kaidan pointed out, his brows furrowing.
"And?" she asked, exasperated. "They were just a handful of people. Their sacrifice would have prevented Balak from killing hundreds more humans—which will happen. He's not going to stop, I could see it in his eyes." She shook her head, looking down at the table. "And when he strikes again, it'll be my fault, because I should have just stopped him. This mission was a complete failure."
"Hey," Kaidan said softly, and Charlie lifted her gaze to his, her lips pursed. "It didn't fail. You saved the hostages and the colony. Those people get to go home to their families because of the choice you made."
She narrowed her eyes. "And how many other people won't because of it?"
"If Balak tries something again, we'll stop him, just like we did today."
Grunting, Charlie crossed her arms over her chest as she sat back in her chair.
"Shepard, you did good."
Huffing, she rolled her eyes. "You make it sound like I'm some hero who saved the day," she drawled. "But that's not me."
"Seems like it to me," he simply stated.
"No," she started, her voice quiet, "heroes are good people. They don't think like me." Charlie looked up at Kaidan, swallowing hard. "When I saw Balak… all I saw was Torfan and the batarians that killed Tucker and my squad. I wanted to put a bullet in his head like I did to them. I didn't care about the hostages, I just wanted to make Balak pay." She sighed, her eyes lowering. "I'm still the same monster I was back then."
"You're not."
A bitter laugh escaped her. "You can stop trying to make me feel better now, Alenko."
"I'm not."
At his words, Charlie met his gaze, her brows drawn together as she studied him.
"You were grieving, Shepard. You still are," he said, eyes boring into hers, his words so similar to what she said when she first told him about Torfan. "What you did to the batarians on Torfan… that's not you…"
She kept staring at him, and all she saw was unwavering certainty in his gaze. He truly believed what he was saying.
"How can you be so sure?" she breathed.
"Because I know you."
Something suddenly dawned on her. "And you actually think that I'm a good person, don't you?"
"Yes," Kaidan answered, without hesitating.
She blinked at him, struggling for words.
"You've made mistakes," he explained, "but so has everyone else. They don't make you a bad person."
Charlie opened her mouth to speak, but immediately closed it, speechless as she stared at him. She couldn't believe he thought so highly of her, even knowing all the horrible things she'd done in the past. Nothing she did ever seemed to faze him.
He was making it very hard to ignore her feelings for him.
Against her will, her eyes drifted down to his mouth, her lips parting as she realized just how close they were. Kaidan's tongue darted out to wet his lips, and she swallowed hard, tearing her gaze away from his lips and returning it to his eyes.
Her stomach flipped, her heart hammering in her chest, when she saw his eyes were locked on her own lips. When he lifted his gaze to her eyes again, she almost skipped a breath at how intensely he was looking at her. She leaned closer—or he did, she didn't even know—the space between them closing.
Charlie was about to close her eyes and give in to her desires when she realized what was happening. Pulling back with a gasp, she stared at Kaidan with wide eyes, and he darted his gaze away, rubbing the back of his neck.
"You should go," she whispered, and he nodded, standing and walking towards the door, almost rushing to leave her cabin.
"Alenko!" she called out, despite her better judgement, and he immediately turned around to face her.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
His brows furrowed. "For what?"
"For believing in me, I guess," she clarified. "For not seeing the Butcher of Torfan when you look at me." She looked down, hesitating, before meeting his gaze again. "It means a lot."
Kaidan's expression softened, and he nodded. "Of course, Shepard."
"Well then… you're dismissed, Lieutenant."
"Ma'am"
After he left, she slumped back in her chair, running her hand through her hair, thinking about what almost happened between them, leading to a single thought.
Shit.