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"I tried to warn you about Saren," Charlie said, glaring at the images of the Council before her. "You didn't believe me then, and look how that turned out."
"I believe you humans have a saying: even a broken clock is right twice a day," the Turian Councilor replied, and she narrowed her eyes.
"We've got another saying, and it even comes with a gesture," she drawled, flipping off the Councilor. "Fuck you."
Without thinking, Charlie slammed her fist on the console before her, severing the connection to the Council.
"Fucking assholes," she muttered to herself, collapsing in a nearby chair, ignoring the fact that she, the first human Spectre, just hung up on the Council. She had other things to worry about.
Running her hand through her hair, she let out a sigh and swallowed hard, trying to collect herself before leaving the comm room.
She kept thinking about Ashley—how they would spar, how they'd clean and maintenance their guns together, their lively battlefield banter, the times they spent just talking to each other about their lives… Ash's final words to her, finding her charred, unrecognizable body amongst the destruction of Saren's base…
Charlie blinked back the tears forming in her eyes, her chin quivering as she tried not to cry. She breathed in a shaky breath, her head snapping to the door to the comm room when it opened.
Kaidan stepped into the room, his body tense, a pained look in his eyes as they met hers.
She stood, sniffing, her face settling into a scowl as she looked back at him. "Lieutenant," she forced out, her voice low.
"Shepard, I…" he started, rubbing the back of his neck. She just glared at him, waiting for him to spit out whatever it was he wanted to say. "Liara said you went back."
"We found Kirrahe and a couple of his men who managed to get far enough away from the bomb to survive the blast," she said quietly, averting her gaze from his. "We also found Ash's body… well, what was left of it, anyway."
Kaidan released an unsteady breath, his shoulders slumping.
"After I put a bullet in Saren's brain, I'm going to bring her dog tags to her family. They deserve at least that." Charlie took a deep breath, standing tall. "If that's all you wanted to talk about, I should go. Someone's got to take over Ash's duties now that she's gone, and it should be me."
She walked towards the door, but Kaidan stepped in front of her. "Shepard, wait."
Frowning, Charlie looked up at him. "What?"
"Why did you save me? Why not Ash?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you questioning the orders of your commanding officer, Lieutenant Alenko?"
His brows furrowed, head jerking back at her sudden formality. "I'm sorry… Commander," he started. "You saved my life, I'm grateful for that. But if I'd done my job—we should have been able to save her."
"I'm the one who made the decision, not you. So get over it, because we can't let anything distract us from stopping Saren."
Kaidan studied her, his lips pressed together as he cocked his head to the side. She could see his mind working to figure out why she was acting the way she was—he knew it, he had to know it, whether or not he could accept it.
"Oh for fuck's sake," she started, huffing. "I wanted to save the both of you. I tried to save you both, but Saren got in the way and I ran out of time. So I did what I had to do and made the necessary decision." Charlie took a step closer to him, shooting him a warning glare. "Leave it alone, Alenko."
"Why me, Shepard?" he asked, voice quiet, a desperate look in his eyes. He knew the answer, she could see the guilt written all over his face.
"What do you want to hear?" Charlie shouted, her nostrils flaring, heat rising to her face. "Should I say that I made a calculated decision on who I thought would be better for this team? That you're the superior officer and your experience and abilities are better suited to the mission and that's why you're still here? That I just wanted to make sure the fucking bomb went off?!?" Ignoring the twist in her gut and the knot forming in her throat, she continued. "As much as I want to say all that, I can't! I let my feelings influence my decision, and look what happened! I killed my friend!"
Kaidan's face paled at her words, his gaze falling to his feet before he mustered up the courage to look at her.
"Shepard, I—" he started, his voice cracking.
"I can't do this," she interrupted, throwing her hands up. "If I'm going to stop Saren I need to be the ruthless, cold-hearted, merciless soldier I was on Torfan. I can't make the sacrifices necessary to complete the mission if I care about you or anyone else on this ship." Breathing in a shaky breath, she shook her head. "I didn't even want this assignment in the first place, I don't know what the hell I was doing letting myself become friends with anyone," she finished, her voice barely above a whisper.
Kaidan stared at her, his jaw clenched, lips pressed tight together. He went to speak, but she cut him off before he could utter a word.
"Don't," she said, swallowing hard. "I don't want anything to do with you, Lieutenant."
She brushed past him, storming off to her cabin without looking back. She pulled out a bottle from her stash of booze, not even bothering to look at what it was before she popped it open and started to drink. Sitting down on her bed, her chest grew tight, tears starting to slip down her cheeks as memories of Ashley flashed in the forefront of her mind.
No matter how many times she told herself saving Kaidan was the right tactical choice, she would never convince herself it was the best decision. In the back of her mind, Charlie would always know that she chose Kaidan's life over Ashley's for the most selfish reason in the world—her feelings for him.
She'd killed her friend for something she promised herself would never happen again after she lost Tucker on Torfan.
She was a monster.