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It’s raining, Riley. Each drop streams down my window pane in a panic to escape their temporary homes in the sky. They blur my view of the outside world. They change the shape of the trees and the buildings so that they morph into each other like a watercolour painting. I think my world would be blurred even if they weren’t there.
It’s raining, Riley. It’s raining and i’m sad. My tears now flow like a waterfall, a cascade of water falling from a height. They roll from my cheek bones to my chin and it tickles but I don’t laugh.
The thought of laughter makes me think of your laugh. I don’t think i’ve met anyone who laughs quite like you. Vibrant and uncontrollable. Eyes crinkled and cheeks dimpled. Head bent over and stomach clutching and telling me your jaw hurts from smiling. I dare anyone to watch you laughing and not join in.
I brush my hand across my blanket, firmly wrapped around my torso. In such a way to protect my insides from spilling out in waves of “what if’s” and “should have’s.” If I keep myself wrapped up tightly enough, maybe I can squish these broken feelings and bury them deep into me. So deep that even I could never find them again. Or feel them again.
It’s raining Riley and you told me I should fight. But the clouds have blocked out any chance for sunlight and change is nowhere in sight. I can’t change what’s happening so it’s best if I just hide and wait out the storm.
You’ll ask me where I went, but you said it yourself; I moved to RileyTown and I can’t get out. I’m stuck in swirling mass of purple paint and cartoon cats and you’ll think that sounds lovely, but it’s not. It’s horrible. I’ve lost me, Riley. I’ve lost me in you.
I’ve tried so hard to push away Maya that i’ve actually lost her in the process. Gone is the girl who stood on tables and got detention. And in her place is a lost, broken fraction of that girl, who lives all alone in a town she’s not meant to be in.
You grabbed me by the hand and pulled me off my feet. You told me we were going to find me again. I had hoped we would find me. I really did. But I did not expect this complete blow to my chest in the process.
We went too far, Riley. We went too deep and found a part of me and I don’t like her. She says things to me that she’s not supposed to. Makes me feel things i’m not meant to. I am trying to rid myself free of her but she’s here now and I think it’s for good.
She taught me one thing though, I didn’t want to be you, Riley. There is only one of you and there will always just be one of you. No one else walks like she’s floating on water and moves in a way that would embarrass the sea. For the sea can never brush the sand as softly or hug itself around the rocks as tightly and chip away at their soul without them even noticing. They are distracted by it’s beauty as I am distracted by you. I moulded myself into a version of you, not because I want to be you but because I wanted to feel closer to you. I never expected to fall down this rabbit hole so hard and find myself so stuck.
It’s raining, Riley. It’s raining and I’m jealous. I am jealous of the way you’re probably dancing in the rain right now. Your hair soaking and stuck to your pretty face. The sky needs no sun because you are she. I almost laugh at how foolish I can be, because I am not jealous of you. I am jealous of the rain.
I pull my knees closer to my heavy chest, wrap my blanket closer so it’s harder to breathe. I shiver and squeeze my eyes shut. I’ve got to keep this quiet. This new Maya is taking the lead again. I don’t want to say it out loud, so I say it in my head. I think this new Maya might be the True Maya and it scares me to death.
I know True Maya would scare you too, Riley. You probably would hate her because she would destroy everything you and Old Maya had. So I won’t let you meet her and I’ll pretend we didn’t find her that day two weeks ago when we began our search. Just let me sit here for a while longer and ponder; and bury, ponder and bury. And then I’ll get up and smile and pretend i’m fine.
It’s raining, Riley. It’s raining and Lucas chose you. But what you don’t know is, I chose you too.