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Phil picked up his phone, attempting to force an air of serenity. Though his face remained calm, his hands shook.
Phil had tried to make this phone call three times this week. The first, he would admit, he chickened out the second the line had picked up. Dan’s voice had been soft and happy. Phil could hear the smile through the phone. It melted him in seconds. They had spent the call trading favorite songs back and forth to make, as Dan called it, a “Super-mega-cool mix.” Phil lovingly wrote down “Sexy Times Mix” at the top of the track list instead.
The second time he had called he had reared up to say the words. To break his nonchalant record for letting Dan be the one to call next, he had to have this locked and loaded, Phil reasoned to himself. Yet, when Dan answered on the first ring and his voice was bright and he had endless things he wanted to tell Phil, Phil couldn’t help but back down. By the time there was a moment of silence, Phil was sheepishly staring at his ceiling as his mind raced from how sweet Dan sounded when he said his name.
And just last night, Phil had Skyped Dan, assuring himself that if he was forced face-to-face with Dan that he would be so overcome with feeling that what was on his mind would slip out no matter what. In fact, it had only served to scare Phil further, convincing himself it was too soon, too early, too lame. Better not to freak Dan out and scare him into any other waiting arms.
And tonight, after almost an hour in the mirror hyping himself up, practicing how he’d guide the conversation, Phil felt positive he would make it out of this phone call alive (if not unscathed). Phil punched in the number, took a breath, and held the phone to his ear. It rang once, twice, and then the line picked up.
“Phil!” Dan said gleefully. In the background Phil could hear Dan moving around until a door slammed shut and Dan settled into place. “Is it my birthday or something, thought you’d be sick of hearing from me already.”
“Yeah, you’d think,” Phil replied jokingly. His hands slowly began to steady in response to Dan’s jubilant voice. It had been a good day, he guessed. Perhaps Phil could cash in on Dan’s bright attitude.
“I liked your post earlier. You look cute in eyeliner.” Dan’s voice was quiet and Phil wondered if he was scared of being overheard, but from who? Phil knew from experience Dan’s parents fell asleep early and his brother couldn’t care less about overhearing Dan’s conversations. Perhaps just a habit, then.
“Thanks,” Phil breathed out. “How was your day?”
Phil was playing for time. How important was it that he told Dan, he reasoned for maybe the hundredth time this week. Surely he could just act sappy and dote on Dan as he had and planned to as much as possible; couldn’t actions speak louder than his words?
“It was alright. Killing time.” Phil pictured Dan as he spoke, wondering if he was laying down and pushing his hair off his forehead, or if he was opening his laptop as they spoke to scroll around some other guy’s eyeliner photos as well.
“Same, same.” The conversation was dry but it was all Phil needed to rejuvenate his nerves. His thoughts fired at a million words a second while his stomach flipped and turned, queasier than even the first time he met Dan. “Dan?”
“Hmm?” Dan hummed in interest.
“I-I, well, I guess, I mean I was wondering. Dan?” Phil paused again as he let his body feel the nerves travel, pushing adrenaline from top to toe and his hand struggled to keep the phone held to his head.
“Phil?” Dan asked, voice hinting at mocking.
Phil picked at his bedspread, traced the pattern he’d known since childhood, pictured Dan laying beside him like that night months earlier.
“Remember that time in my room?”
“Which time?” Dan giggled. Is there any better sound than this man giggling, Phil wondered.
“That night.”
“Yeah.”
“How pissy you got when your hair frizzed?”
“Who knew we could generate so much humidity?” Dan laughed again.
“Well, I think about that a lot.”
“My frizzy hair?”
“That whole night, yeah, but the hair too. It felt, kind of, personal. Like you let me in on something.” Phil pondered where he was going with this. How to word it? How to not put off Dan or upset him? “How you didn’t get super annoyed or aware about it, like you were with me as you are…alone? Do I sound crazy?”
Phil’s palms sweated and he knew his hairline would soon follow. How to turn frizzy hair into the right confession? How to make the most beautiful, most self-conscious boy in the world believe Phil loved him more than anyone else could?
“No.” Dan’s voice was low, and yet again Phil couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking. Dan could be so open, and Phil loved it. Phil almost wished Dan would never be quiet, and instead just keep telling Phil every thought at every minute. Phil would be at peace, and Dan would never fear being misunderstood.
“I just mean, well, I like being with you.”
“I like being with you too.” Dan’s jokey tone was back. Phil knew he messed up.
“No, like, I really like being with you. Like I’m in bed right now and I miss you, even though I can hear you. I want you here.” Phil thought it over, wondering how to say it again, because he’d yet to lie and also yet to say the point. “I think I don’t care if you stank or were miserable, I think I’d always find it preferable to have you next to me in whatever state than to not have you around.”
Dan was quiet and Phil hoped he was blushing. He loved a blushing Dan.
“What I mean is, I love you.” Phil finally blurted out. The words were out of his body, out of his mind, and Phil felt at peace at last.
But it lasted only a moment when Dan didn’t immediately answer. Then a new set of thoughts rolled in. He said it too soon, the words were wrong, why had he mentioned Dan’s hair? Phil felt as though he would vomit at the slightest movement.
“Oh,” Dan said after a beat. “You were freaking me out, I thought I was in trouble or something.”
“What?” Phil’s heart was in his throat, jumping towards the phone every half second.
“All that ‘I like being with you,’ felt like a ‘but’ was coming!” Dan said in a relieved tone.
“Huh?” Phil’s mind had taken this confession into a thousand directions but never once had he landed on Dan thinking this would be a far different conversation.
“Yeah, jesus christ, way to make a guy squirm.”
“Dan,” Phil said slowly.
“Phil!” Dan said back.
“That’s all you have to say?” Phil was hurt, but he didn’t want to push, figuring at least this wasn’t as bad as his head had told him it could be.
“What? Now I’m in trouble, right?” Dan’s voice was light and joking. It boggled Phil’s nerves.
“You’re not in trouble, babe.” Phil stated. “I said I love you.”
“Yeah, I know, I love you too.” Dan said nonchalantly. “Haven’t I told you that? Didn’t you know?”
Dan had, in fact, not said this and Phil knew this with absolute certainty.
“Didn’t I know?” Phil repeated incredulously. “Didn’t I know? What planet are we on?”
“Earth, duh.” Dan’s voice had started to edge with nervousness. “You didn’t know?”
“Dan, how could I?” Phil softened his voice and placed his head in one hand, his expectations for this conversation having been completely overtaken by the reality of his, slightly ridiculous, partner.
A shuffling could be heard from the other end of the line and Phil figured this was Dan sitting upright having realized this was a capital C Conversation.
“I just figured you knew,” Dan said softly. “How couldn’t you know? I had to say it?”
“You drive me crazy,” Phil laughed out in a huff, his spirits lifting with every passing second. Dan loved him, what could ruin that? No stupid miscommunication, surely.
“I guess that’s my job.”
“Guess so.” Phil clutched at his hair, his body shaking in the aftershock of nerves and excitement. He gulped in air and rolled over to lay on his stomach. “You don’t know the effect you have on me.”
“What’s that?” Dan said, sounding as though he was taking this conversation far better than the older boy.
“Everything.”
“Everything?”
“I think you’d do me less damage setting me on fire,” Phil said, feeling as though he was only half joking.
“Did I hurt you?” Dan asked, his voice managing to make the earnest question a loving but dirty act. “Didn’t mean to.”
Phil allowed his head to fall forward and his nose to smoosh into the bed. Muffled, Phil told Dan once again, “You drive me crazy.”
“I’ll drive you crazier next time I visit,” Dan promised, the innuendo no longer accidental. Phil blushed and glanced at the calendar tacked to his wall.
“Soon?”
“Hope so.”
“You better pack for the long haul, not sure I’ll let you leave.”
“Good.” The smile was back in Dan’s voice and it sent a new wave of thrills through Phil’s limbs. He made a mental note to look up later if it was possible to become permanently lovestruck. What chemical cocktail was going to be injected in him every time he spoke to Dan? Looked at him?
“Dan?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you know I loved you too?” Phil asked.
“I hoped.”
“But you didn’t know?”
Dan thought for a moment, the silence like a deep breath refilling Phil’s ability to withstand more of this conversation. “I guess part of me assumed. It’s hard, you know, to feel it and not think they love you back a bit.”
Phil laughed. “It’s more than a bit.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“How much?” Phil wondered if he should lie, play it down. But it was Dan. If he didn’t know now, he would soon enough. Why try to hide it?
“Hugely.” Phil tried again. “Endlessly.”
“That much?”
“More.”
Phil felt embarrassed when there was no answer from the other end of the line, but then Dan sighed lightly into the phone and he knew it was alright. He sighed back, ‘I love you too’ rattling around his head, full to the brim with all he needed.