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There was nothing Yushi hated more than being perceived incorrectly, especially when he has spent years trying to build himself and fit into his own skin. He was no stranger to it by any means, he spent his whole life being called something he was not, being told he was just going through a phase. It was obviously not a phase, no matter how much he wishes he could’ve been cisgender, he just wasn’t and at this point he’s learned to live with it. He didn’t want to mourn the life he never lived, or dream about something that was impossible in this lifetime. Even though he accepted it a long time ago there are still days he despises it, days where he hates himself.
Why wasn’t he just born a boy? Why couldn’t his life just be easy? Why was the world so against who he is? Why, why, why..?
Times like these were living hell for him, the thoughts made him question everything about himself and those around him. They made him feel worthless, feel like all the work he put in meant nothing, like no matter how hard he tried there was always something that made him too feminine. Worst of all these thoughts plaguing his mind told him his boyfriend of two years only ever saw him for what he wasn’t, that he only saw him as a girl playing dress-up. He knew Daeyoung didn’t think that, not once, but his brain is irrational when dysphoria hits. He hated how easy these days could be brought sometimes, how a single phrase could send him spiraling, or one wrong article of clothing could make him feel so wrong. Yushi didn’t hate being trans, but he hated what it brought with it and that his boyfriend had to put up with it.
Daeyoung always made him feel better though, the dysphoria never fully went away but he knew how to help ease his mind. Tonight was one of those nights where he was craving the comfort his boyfriend brought him, his mental state was already fragile when a customer made a sideways comment towards him, it wasn’t something he’d usually let get to him but he was already self conscious. Now dysphoria was creeping in and all he wanted to do was curl up in bed, pretend he didn’t exist for a little bit. Maybe even cuddle his oversized puppy of a boyfriend until he feels okay.
The smell of spices hit Yushi full force when he entered their shared apartment, even though it was a common occurrence, the thought of Daeyoung making dinner for them made him feel lighter. His back was facing towards him as he stirred something on the stove, humming something, probably a song he picked up from the radio. He looked so peaceful, so happy to be in their space and Yushi did not want to let his thoughts ruin Daeyoung’s mood too. He could handle this by himself, he did for all those years before he met his lover, so he can do it now too. He willed himself to set those thoughts aside and put a smile on his face before stalking up behind the taller, snaking his arms around his waist and resting his head against his back.
“Ah- hi baby, when did you get home?” Daeyoung shifted in his hold, turning to face the blonde boy.
“Just now,” Yushi sighed, melting into his lover’s embrace right before a thought pushed past the block he put up. Normally he didn’t mind the height difference between them, most of the time he even loved it, he was at the perfect height for Daeyoung to rest his head on Yushi’s, or give him a little peck on the forehead. But right now, it made the dysphoria seep into his brain and he despised feeling this way. Realistically, Yushi wasn’t short, he was average height but his boyfriend towered over him and right now his brain was choosing this to beat himself up over. Daeyoung never made him feel small, ever, hell he would actually make himself smaller despite having a few inches on Yushi, which he appreciated. Though right now, the way he barely reached the other’s chin made that dreadful feeling take over. He was torn between wanting to be in his boyfriend’s arms and wanting to lock himself in the bedroom where no one could see him. Yushi stayed in his hold though, he stayed next to him throughout dinner, even made small talk while they ate. He tried his best to stay positive, to be okay.
“You can go wash up while I clean up here, baby. Thank you for dinner, it was really good,” Yushi got up, lifting their finished plates from the table, giving his lover a quick peck on the cheek before walking into the kitchen. He needed a moment to himself, a moment where he was too preoccupied to think about how his body was all wrong. He took his time cleaning up the kitchen, scrubbing the dishes, and putting away the leftovers. He wasn’t trying to avoid Daeyoung, he just wasn’t ready to face the conversation that will inevitably happen. He knows he can’t hide anything from the boy, all he could do was push off talking about it. Which isn’t something he normally does, talking about his dysphoria is something he strays away from, and no matter how much Daeyoung tries to understand, he never will and that’s okay. He’s glad his boyfriend doesn’t fully understand, if he did that meant he would be going through the same thing, the same thoughts tainting his brain, the same experiences that he will never forget. He would never wish that on anyone.
“Jagiya! It’s your turn to wash up,” he heard from their bedroom, Yushi started mentally preparing himself for the conversation.
“I can’t shower, not tonight baby,” He starts as he makes his way into the room, “I know you don’t like us laying on the bed before washing up, I’ll sleep on the couch. I just- I can’t.”
“Oh? Are you okay?” He furrowed his eyebrows.
“Mhm, I guess. It’s just one of those days, you know. I don’t really want to see my body right now, I think if I did—it just wouldn’t be great,” Yushi hugged himself, rubbing his arms for comfort.
“C’mere baby,” Daeyoung says softly, holding his arms out for Yushi to enter. He didn’t need to be told twice, crossing the room to where the other was sitting and falling into his arms. His peace didn’t last long though, he was being hoisted up into the air, legs wrapping around the taller’s waist, hands going around his neck. Daeyoung’s hands were gripping his upper thighs, just below his ass, to keep him from falling. Yushi had some thoughts about this but he supposes he should probably save them for another time, when thinking about his own body didn’t make him start to spiral. Before he knew it he was being set down on the ledge of the bathtub, his lover looking down at him with his big brown eyes, making him look like a sad puppy.
“I have an idea, but only look at me, okay? Or you can close your eyes, but don’t look anywhere else.”
Yushi nodded in response, his brows scrunched together. He truly did not know where this was going. Even when the other reached behind him and turned the faucet on, checking the temperature.
“What are you doing? Youngie, I told you I wasn’t up for bathing tonight,” He tried getting up, only to get lightly pushed back down.
“I’m going to wash up for you, love. I know being clean usually makes you feel better when you aren’t feeling well, and I thought it’d be okay if I took care of you,” Daeyoung paused, second guessing his actions, “so, uhm, you don’t see your body and all.”
Yushi stared up at him for a second before dropping his forehead against the younger’s stomach, wrapping his arms around his lower half.
“God, why are you so perfect and loving,” his voice muffled by Daeyoung’s shirt, “I love you so much.”
He let out a chuckle, giving back a soft ‘I love you too’ while running his hand through the older’s hair just before taking a small step back. His fingers trailed down to the bottom of Yushi’s hoodie, it was a silent question. And when he got a slight nod, he pulled the top over his head.
“I need you to stand up, love. We gotta take your pants off now,” he pressed a light kiss on the crown of the older’s head before grabbing his hands helping him stand. Daeyoung let his hands fall down to the other’s jeans, unbuttoning them. He falters for a second, glancing up just to be sure and when he got the confirmation to continue he pushed Yushi’s pants down along with his underwear. Yushi’s breath immediately got caught in his throat, he knew that Daeyoung has seen him naked thousands of times and that has never changed his perception of the other, but right now with dysphoria clouding his brain all the rationality was gone. He was on full display to the younger, and he didn’t really know how to feel about that.
“My handsome boy, let’s get you into the bath now, yeah?”
He was already moving Yushi closer towards the tub, helping him settle down into the warm water. Daeyoung held eye contact with him, only breaking it when he needed to guide him or grab something. Yushi just stared at the other’s face letting Daeyoung do whatever he needed to do, whatever he wanted to do. He so badly wanted to cherish this moment, to sit back and relax while his lover took care of him but the overwhelming amount of thoughts coursing through his head was making him lose focus of everything around him. All he could do was just sit there and take while his brain ran wild.
“Almost done, just need to rinse your hair off n’ after this we can go lay in bed together, and I can go grab some of your snacks,” Daeyoung continues as he leans Yushi’s head back to wash the soap out, “how does that sound?”
Yushi hums, leaning into the touch, finally closing his eyes. A small breath escaped his lips as he let Daeyoung work his fingers into his hair. A part of him started to feel content, like the bad feelings of the day were being washed away with each pass of his lover’s hands. It wasn’t fully going away, it never did. Dysphoria was tricky like that, it clung to the smallest parts of him digging in like tiny daggers, it would always be there no matter how much he willed it away. It was just something he had to learn to live with, make it through the hard days, and block it out on the easier days. Over time the bad days lessened, he had help from medical professionals and being around people who genuinely saw him as a boy helped tremendously. It didn’t solve all his problems but compared to himself three years ago, before he started testosterone, before he met his lover and all of his friends, he’d say it made a big impact.
“Alright, all done. Let’s get you up and out,” Daeyoung gently takes hold of Yushi’s hands, making his eyes flutter open. He lightly tugged him up out of the water, the warmth only lingering where their hands were connected. He was guided out of the tub to stand right next to it while the other boy grabbed the towel resting on the sink, hurrying back to dry the sopping wet cat-like boy off. The cold air was already nipping at him, making his body tremble slightly. He appreciated Daeyoung taking his time with him but if he didn’t hurry up Yushi thinks he might actually freeze to death–he won’t, he’s just dramatic. He didn’t even take long in drying him, he was efficient with it, not letting a single drop stray down Yushi’s body. He was pretty much finished soon after he started but the cold made Yushi antsy and impatient.
“Do you want a hoodie or a t-shirt, love? I figured hoodie so I brought one of mine, but I can get you-” Yushi kissed him, mainly to shut him up but also because Daeyoung was so sweet he needed to get a taste.
“A hoodie is perfect,” He mumbled against the other’s lips, not quite ready to back away yet. The only thing that broke them apart was when Yushi’s feet started to hurt from standing on his tippy-toes, reluctantly moving away. Daeyoung took the chance to grab the fresh pile of clothes, helping the smaller into them. His hoodie practically swallowed Yushi, the hem of it was almost down to his mid thigh and the sleeves bunched up at his hands turning them into little paws. It didn’t help that the pants were almost a size too big, but Yushi preferred this when he was in this state of mind, he would do anything to make his body unnoticeable even to himself. Plus Daeyoung adored Yushi when he was drowning in his clothes, he always looked extra cuddly when he was dressed like that, and now was no exception.
“You’re so cute,” a slight giggle escaped the taller as he pulled Yushi into his arms, squeezing him. It wasn’t enough to hurt, but definitely enough to make him squirm. Escaping him was futile, he knew from experience Daeyoung would not let him go no matter how much he struggles, so all he could do was relax in his embrace. After a minute or so he did eventually set Yushi free, only for a second before grabbing ahold of his hand and dragging him into their room, silently directing him to lay in bed. Both of them were not very big talkers, they had their moments where they wouldn’t be silent for the life of them, but on normal days they learned to communicate through their body language or actions. Yushi loved that it had become a common occurrence for them. Especially on days where the dysphoria hit and made him want to speak as little as possible, this little ritual helped tenfold. It was a silent understanding, the reason why they worked so well together.
So lost in thought, Yushi didn’t even notice Daeyoung leaving the room until he was entering again this time with a handful of snacks. He tossed them all down in front of him just before plopping down on his own side of the bed, still close enough to rest his head on Yushi’s thigh, who was sitting criss-cross on his own side. He still didn’t speak, he only stared up at the older with his big round eyes, a small smile gracing his lips. Yushi returned the smile, tangling his fingers into the younger’s hair, petting him like a puppy.
“Thank you for all you do for me,” Yushi broke the silence, his cotton candy voice barely going above a whisper.
“You don’t have to thank me, love. You are my boyfriend, I’ll always be here to take care of you, just like I know you’d do for me.” Boyfriend. He heard it often, he was used to hearing it. But hearing it while his own brain was fighting itself on whether Daeyoung’s perception of him was what it really seemed made his resolve start to crack. His eyes softened at that word, a small thing not many would notice, but Daeyoung did. He always did.
The younger pushed himself up onto the palms of his hands, resting his weight on them. He leaned in close, just enough for their noses to barely be touching. All he did was look into Yushi’s eyes for a second, his emotions were all laid out for the older to see with just a single look. He knew Yushi was having a hard time but there was no pity hiding in the mix, it made him feel the slightest bit better. Yushi never wanted to be pitied, even more so over something like this. And as if Daeyoung could see the other’s thoughts running haywire, he brushed his lips against his nose. Then his cheek, followed by his other cheek, his forehead and so on. He kissed every bit of Yushi’s face, safe for his lips. Daeyoung always heard you should save the best part for last.
“You are so, so handsome,” He pulled away slightly to just admire Yushi. “I think every time I see you, I fall in love just a little bit more, which I didn’t think was even possible.”
Before he could even form a response, Daeyoung’s lips were back on him, this time leaving featherish kisses down his neck. He grabbed ahold of Yushi’s hand leaving soft kisses on each finger before pushing his sleeve up, his lips making their way up his arm until he couldn’t reach skin anymore, doing the same with the other. He broke away to situate himself better, making Yushi lay down so he could now straddle his lap, fiddling with the end of the older’s hoodie. He looked up at him, his own version of asking if it was all okay. Yushi nodded, he knew this wasn’t anything sexual. It was Daeyoung wanting to show him that he was loved, worshiped even.
His fidgeting stopped, slowly pushing the hoodie up while his head dipped down to Yushi’s stomach. The kisses continued from his belly button all the way up to his chest, he took his time with each touch, letting it linger. Each one holding its own silent meaning, a confession spilled onto Yushi’s skin in the form of a peck. He was loved no matter what and Daeyoung was making sure he knew that.
In this moment, all the nasty thoughts plaguing Yushi’s head faltered. The weight of the younger on top of him felt grounding, it felt right. Everything about Daeyoung felt right; the way his lips felt against his skin, the way he spoke softly towards him, the way he loved Yushi in his own way. It was all real, it was authentic. He poured every ounce of his love into the small things he did for the older, and it made Yushi feel like shit for even letting the thought of Daeyoung viewing him any differently cross his mind. It was something he couldn’t help, he knew that. Dysphoria has its own ways of making you believe what it wants you to. That doesn’t stop the guilt from pouring in. His lover was here making sure he was taken care of, making sure he felt loved and Yushi spent most of his day believing Daeyoung only ever saw him for everything he tried not to be. He was an idiot. A frown took over Yushi’s face and when the other caught sight of it his actions faltered.
“Is this too much? Do you need me to stop?”
“No- it’s not that. I just-” Yushi let out a sigh, he was never good at speaking his mind, “all day today, I just kept having this, uhm, thought that you think I’m still a girl- even though I know it’s not true! I’m so mad at myself for letting that bother me.”
“Oh,” Daeyoung moves himself off Yushi’s lap, settling beside the older, “I know my words probably won’t help much, but not once have I ever seen you as a girl. You know I’m actually gay so if I saw you as a girl, us dating would not work out.”
Yushi let out a small chuckle, letting his head drop onto the shoulder next to him. He felt an arm snake around his back pulling him closer to the warmth Daeyoung was radiating. The younger let his head rest against the other’s, both of them basking in the comfort between them.
“I know, I know but you know how it is sometimes,” Yushi paused, “I think I’m starting to feel better though, your kisses might be healing.”
Daeyoung lifted his head, pressing a kiss against the top of Yushi’s head. He looked up at him, a small smile ghosting his lips, before pushing his head up making his lips connect with his lover’s. It was slow and short but very much needed. They rested their foreheads against each other's, the sensation of the kiss still lingering. Yushi would never get tired of kissing him, and Daeyoung supposes they were right, you should always leave the best for last.
“I love you,” Yushi whispered against his lips, “your kisses really do heal by the way.”
“I love you too, boyfriend,” Daeyoung whispered back, making the other chuckle.
That simple little word again, the one that made all those nasty thoughts start to fade away just a little. Even though today was hard, and there were bound to be other days where these feelings got the best of him, he would have his Daeyoung there to help him through it, his boyfriend who so clearly saw him for the boy that he was. Yushi was so lucky, and Daeyoung considered himself just as lucky as the latter.