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Wind.
It was really windy.
Well, standing on top of a building in the middle of the freezing, autumn nighttime wasn't really helping Sayaka’s case either, but she liked to think it was just for the aesthetic.
She really was pathetic. So, so, SO pathetic.
Her cape and short hair danced together in the wind, flying and flapping everywhere. Her short hair looked rather majestic in the wind despite it mostly being dead.
She thought. Was thinking. She was thinking really hard…
Someone had told her once, about how pretty her hair was. It made her look really masculine, as short as it was. She grew it out, though. No matter how much everyone complained, no matter how many “you were better before” comments she got, she grew it out. Then chopped it all off again. Well, not all of it, but her hair was short again. It was… a… slightly comfortable short. It was comfortable before. Why not now?
Sayaka turned her head toward the sky. It was pitch black from the city lights with not a star in sight. All the additional details of her “magical girl” form twinkled and plièd in the moonlight. Any accessory that was close enough to hit another, clinked harshly against said other in the rough winds of the high altitude.
Was this really worth it? Was… ANYTHING really worth it..?
She felt too much like a boy right now.
Her hair was too short. It was girly, but not girly enough. She loved her outfit, it was so pretty and feminine. But there was always someone more feminine than her. She had no chest, unlike a REAL girl. Her facial features were too masculine. They weren't feminine enough. No amount of makeup, clothes, or hair styling would make her look any less like a boy and more like a girl than she was. She simply would just never be considered a girl. In anyone's eyes. She still wore masculine clothes sometimes. Other girls like her didn't. They stopped being masculine and dressed more feminine afterwards. So why was Sayaka still dressing and acting like a boy sometimes? Why was she still no where near what she should be like for a girl?
When Sayaka was younger, she was told how absolutely perfect she was. She was “handsome”, she was “masculine”, and she absolutely loved doing anything considered a “boy” thing to do. She wanted to be a “perfect” boy. Grow up and have a respectable job and a wife with kids. What changed? Was it when her mom was surprised with her once? When she was told she was ethereal. She was BETTER than a girl? Was that what changed in her? No. It wasn't. It wasn't until after that, that she started changing, and her parents didn't even notice enough to care.
“Oh, how feminine and girly our SON is! Isn't he just the greatest young MAN? Isn't he such a polite, grateful BOY? What a GENTLEMAN we have on our hands!” Not a single care when they spoke, not even when they had discovered the harm Sayaka was causing to herself because of this.
She wasn't a boy. Sayaka wasn't a boy. She wasn't a boy at all. She never was and never would be.
Sayaka thought of Mami. Mami was cool, Mami was like her. But she was different from Sayaka. She was better.
This is why she should be more like Mami — Who she was currently stalk- ahem! Watching! Observing! Taking notes on! Yes, STUDYING Mami! From afar. Not stalking. No normal, non magical girl would do that.
Mami was older than her, not by a lot, only 2 years. That wasn't a lot. But… if Mami wasn't even that much older than her, why was she everything Sayaka wasn't? How could she POSSIBLY be this much more… this much… better than her. Mami was better than Sayaka.
Mami was like Sayaka. Exactly like her. The same “type” of girl. So why was she accepted and Sayaka wasn't? Was it because she was prettier? More feminine? She acted more like a girl? Her friends were “real” girls? Mami still liked masculine things, she still participated in masculine activities. She liked football. She actively participated in football sometimes. Sure, girls could play football, but it wasn't widely accepted. But it was when she did it. She was accepted as a girl when she did it. Mami was. Sayaka wasn't.
Why?
In her deep thought, Sayaka hadn't realized she wasn't even watching Mami anymore. She had gone away long ago. She had leaped away gracefully after easily finishing off a witch's familiars with minimal effort.
She was perfect. She was everything Sayaka wasn't and more. She was everything Sayaka desired to be. At some point she started copying Mami’s mannerisms and fashion style a bit. Not a lot. She also started copying other things Mami did.
Mami was extra feminine. So Sayaka tried to shop where Mami shopped, she styled her outfits the way Mami did. Mami was graceful and elegant. Sayaka tried to start being graceful and elegant like her. Mami had stylized reading glasses. Sayaka need her glasses all the time, but instead, she stylized her glasses similar to Mami’s and only wore them when she desperately needed to see. Her and Mami were both magical girls, Sayaka copied parts of Mami’s outfit to seem more feminine like her.
She was friends with Mami and hung around her quite a bit. Was she noticing? Did she care? What if she did? What if she was angry about it? What would happen if Mami got up in front of all their friends and called Sayaka out on it? Embarrassed her in front of everyone she knows and ruined her? What if she —
In Sayaka’s deep thought, she failed to notice the new presence standing near her. She failed to notice until that person got closer, and closer, and closer, as she fell deeper, and deeper, and deeper into thought. Sayaka failed to notice until that person finally started speaking. She failed to notice until a hand was laid on her shoulder.
“…Saka?”
…?
“Saka? Are you okay? Is… something wrong..?”
Kyoko. It was Kyoko. See, it was okay, it was only Kyoko. Kyoko was Sayaka's girlfriend. She wouldn't judge her. She loved her. She even said “Saka”, that was the name she called Sayaka in a loving, cute way. She always used it when she was happy. … What about now?
“Sayaka. If you're getting bad again, we can always talk. Please? I don't want to see you go. You'll kill yourself if you keep this up. You're hurting yourself doing this.” Kyoko was genuinely concerned for Sayaka’s well being. She always was. She was such a good girlfriend. She was also, somehow, twice the woman Sayaka would ever be. Just like Mami. Everyone Sayaka knew would always be so much more “woman” than she was.
“That's the point,” Sayaka blurted, “You see me suffering, isn't it obvious it's intentional? Isn't it obvious this is how I'm asking for help? I'm asking for help.”
She wanted to disappear. Not from her responsibilities, like Mami. Not from her “pre-magical girl life”, like Kyoko. Not from her simple life, like Madoka. Not from whatever it was Homura thinks she's running from. Sayaka wanted to disappear. Forever. From life. She didn't want to live anymore. She didn't want to be a magical girl anymore. Nothing was worth it. No one. Was worth it.
She had had it. She wanted to kill herself. That's why she was up, on the very highest point of the tallest building she could find. She was looking for trouble. Maybe for an excuse. Maybe for a lie. Maybe for a scapegoat. Maybe for a witch. Maybe for someone, anyone, to end her suffering for her.
She couldn't feel anymore. She couldn't feel pain. She couldn't feel the pain that came with being a magical girl. But she could still feel the mental pain from being a magical girl, even from before that. She wasn't safe. She was forced to feel. Forced to feel and wish for it all to end. To pray every waking moment for death. For suicide. For anything to stop this, save her from it all.
“…S-Sorry. I didn't mean to. Pry. Force you. ‘Didn't mean to upset you, if I did. I'll help you, if you don't want my help, we'll find someone who can help you,” Kyoko wrapped her hand all the way around Sayaka’s other shoulder, pulling her in for a soft hug, but hesitating, “Do you…? Want, uh? I know you're not a fan but-”
Sayaka shook her head and when Kyoko went to pull away, she pulled her back the rest of the way. Kyoko gently hugged her back.
They hugged for a while. That line was lowkey cringe. They eventually pulled away from each other and neither knew what to say. Kyoko stared, waiting intently for Sayaka to say something. Anything.
Sayaka wrapped her arm around Kyoko’s shoulder and pulled her close to her side. In return, Kyoko’s arm settled around Sayaka and rested on her waist.
“Hi.” Sayaka’s grip tightened as her smile threatened to falter, tears threatening to spill.
“Hey, Saka.” Kyoko leaned on her a bit, placing a kiss to her cheek.
They both stared in silence up at the starless, empty sky. Hoping maybe something would appear. But, nothing. The sky was clouded with pollution and bright lights stopping any chances of seeing anything except for pitch-black darkness. The wind had calmed down, mostly. It was only a small breeze now.
The only thing to be seen in the sky was the moon, illuminating the night skyline, yet the majority of it covered by haze.
“…the moon is lovely tonight, isn't it?”
Sayaka cracked up at that, she hunched over and started giggling, she couldn't keep her composure to save her life. It's too bad, really. In the end, nothing could save her life, in every universe she became a magical girl, she ended up a witch.