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"Ashiya-dono," he softly whispered, "let us talk outside..."
At a certain establishment, lanterns casting their shadows across the long hallways. He stood there, just before me, face covered by the shadow. The black hair, eyes with a crimson glow, skin fair and pale under the lantern light, and the glint of those earrings that I could have never mistaken. There was no doubt; it was him. Not sure what has overcome me then but something weighed heavy and burning inside me. Not the women whispering to each other, not the location we were at, nothing else mattered at that moment. I marched towards him, grabbing his collar and pulled him close enough till our faces were inches apart. My hands were trembling and he shifted, eyes waltzing around, uncomfortable. But I couldn't let go. Couldn't speak. Suzaku. It had to be. My eyes would never mistake him. My grip tightened around his crumpled collar, creasing it further...
It was a bleak gloomy night and with each step echoing as we headed further away from the establishment, the quietness of the night settled in, leaving the muddled thoughts in my head even louder. I had been staring down at my feet as we walked, was I hoping that would help me adjust to the reality before me? Someone I had lost was standing in front of me. My jumbled thoughts couldn't give it a rest.
"Suzaku!" I called, "Hey, Suzaku!" I caught up to him, grabbing his shoulder spinning him towards me. When my eyes met his, my breath turned stiff. "You're Suzaku... right?". My voice cracked.
"Where have you been? I've been searching for you, you know? Since that day, I knew you wouldn't be dea-"
"Ranmaru!" a voice came from the side, which I had paid no mind until Suzaku turned around in answer to that voice.
"Bon-chan, Ten-chan. What are you both doing here?" As Suzaku spoke to them, they kept approaching us. Who was Ranmaru? Bon-chan, Ten-chan? They were speaking to Suzaku, yet called him something else.
"Umm, is this a friend? or, wait! Is this a fight?! Ran! what did you do this time?!" A man in glasses, with brown shoulder length hair asked in a reproachful tone.
This man and the other, slightly younger looking one with short black hair, were calling out to him so familiarly. I watched still, as he smiled and conversed with them. I was not registering their conversation. I was feeling conflicted, my heart pounding. Who were these people? Why was he talking to them and not me?
Those two were bowing towards me and speaking. Greeting me? I was not listening. But from the jumble of words they were throwing at me, only one phrase pierced my ears. "We are his family."
Huh?
"I am bonmaru karasuma and he is tenmaru karasuma. We are Ranmaru's family! We didn't realize you were acquaintances, we apologize for being rude."
"You're kidding me! Family? When did this happen?" My words ran out of my mouth before I could process them, "You left me all alone and I searched for you far and wide! And now you turn up with a make-believe family? You? You who dumped me all alone in this world?!" I burst out.
Family? Whose? Suzaku's? Theirs? Who are they? Where does this leave me? Who am I to him-
In that fraction of a second, it occurred to me what this situation really meant.
Ah
A sudden squall, followed by a downpour, and the sound of the pelting rain. My thoughts slammed into each other, muffled. My voice wouldn't come out, my eyes swam and vision blurred. So that's why he never came back to me. A montage of my life played in my head, of when I sacrificed him, of when I had caused him to suffer and killed him. That much was clearer than anything there ever was. It was only natural he would want a life away from me. It had been one-sided from the start. I wanted to become a youkai, and I did not even bother asking about the consequences. I one sidedly plunged him into his destruction. I continued looking for him after the incident, perhaps only to put cover on my guilt of being a murderer. The rain continued lashing harder by the minute. My hair plastered onto my cheeks, cold and wet, as my clothes sagged under the weight of the rain.
Family. Something I was never allowed to have from the start. And will never be allowed to obtain. I had built a life on arrogance and selfishness, as Ashiya Douman. Living in a constant perdition for my sins. Suzaku doesn't need me. He never did, only I needed him and that cost him. Of course, I wouldn't be his family. He would not come seeking the person who was his downfall.
Do parallel lines truly continue on that lonely journey for the remainder of time? Or would they intersect at the end? We were lifetimes apart from each other, in age and status but now before each other. Was I giving myself false hope for a moment thinking I could now be able merge my life with his? I craved recognition and love. To be wanted and needed. Something I was inherently born lacking. Little did I know that my self centeredness still hasn't changed.
He had a right to a life of his own, far away from me, with whomever he wanted as family. A closeness I had no right to attain. I, who has never known love. But my pride wouldn't quiet down. "Why aren't you saying anything back?" I paused, not long enough to gather my thoughts, "You're always like this!" My voice rose, "Even that day, you never explained anything to me!"
Not even the rain could wash away the muddied feelings in my chest. All it did was chip away at the broken pieces of my heart. Bit by bit. Until nothing was left. Empty and sere.
"Ashiya-dono! You promised to tell me about the peeping spots! You promised!" Yelled out Suzaku in his usual mischievous tone. A face brighter than the sun, a smile so wide stretching from an ear to the other. A voice so sweet, it made me ache.
The one before me, his hair drenched by the downpour, strands clinging to his face tracing its features, eyes hollow. An expression I could not discern.
The tension released from my body and my shoulders dropped, my neck barely able to support my head, and with a pained sigh: “... so in the end, what was I to you?” my voice grew weak, pleading for affection. "Why have you not come find me?"
I was his ruin yet clasped my hands in prayer to be held.
I couldn't bear looking at those eyes that weren't seeing me. I was just as much of a coward as I was disgustingly prideful, unable to face this reality. "I am sorry, I am glad you're alive and healthy" and with that I fled across the wet pavement. Water flinging around as I hurried over through those puddles.
The world went quiet. I made notice of no sound. Not the rain, not my footsteps hitting the wet ground, not my raspy breathing. Every sound had vanished. Tears that were brimming, as my throat tightened. Suzaku was alive and that was real. But so was the fact that Suzaku had no need for me.
As I was drowning in my thoughts, a hand seized my wrist, halting me to a stop. My head snapping towards it.