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Mike rubbed his thumb and finger on his blankie, looking at his bed. Will was home. Will was safe. Why didn’t he feel safe? He slipped his fingers in his mouth like he did when he was little (okay a year ago, but he’s stopped since then).
He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the dark again. He was twelve, this wasn’t the end of the world. He was safe. Will was safe.
He grabbed his stuffed cat and looked at her.
“Do you think El is scared?” He asked her, as if she could respond.
“I’m scared. I hope she’s not.” Mike answered his own question, his voice came out not quite right. He rolled over on to his stomach and tried to think of anything else. Hell he’d settle for seeing his dad watch tv for hours and being bored. He doesn’t know when he’ll feel bored again.
Terror has been everywhere. He listens closely, not sure if he can wake up his mom. His dad had said a couple nights ago he was twelve, he was too big to squeeze between them every night even though his mom always held him.
He wanted held now. Maybe that was the problem. He wanted the world to be someone else’s problem, but the weight was all on him.
“Sorry, I just woke up scared and needed to hear your voice.” Is said quietly on the other side of the wall. Nancy.
“I’m sorry. Really.” She sounded upset, maybe she was upset like Mike. Maybe dad had told her she’s too big too.
“Thank you, I’ll talk to you in the morning.” He looks up again, sucks a little harder and makes a choice. When he was little Nancy used to let him sleep in her bed. It had been a long time since they did that. A swell of bravery makes him think, maybe, just maybe he can. He gets up with fingers not leaving his mouth, blankie in his other hand, and kitty under his arm. He can be brave.
He opens his door and stares at Nancy’s door. He’s suddenly five years old again in my mind, hoping his big sister will let him sleep with her. She always made the bad dreams go away. He knocks before the bravery leaves him. He can hear shuffling from the other side before it cracks open.
“Hello?” It’s barely audible.
“It’s Mike.” He says around his fingers, making it sound more like when he was five than twelve.
“Yes?” She sounds like she’s been crying, she wears a face of concern though when he sees her face.
“I’m scared.” Saying the words out loud cause the dam to break because Mike can feel hot tears falling down his face.
“Oh Mike.” Nancy pulls him close to her, he could melt.
“I can’t even sleep.” He tries to explain as she closes the door behind them, rubbing his back as they stand together.
“Why are you scared?” Her weak voice he heard through the wall is stronger now, but she still sounds gentle.
“What if it comes back? What if someone else goes missing? What if someone else dies?” She’s pulling him into her bed, sitting him on her lap so they can rock back and forth together.
“I’ve got you. Shhhh. I’ve got you.” She shushes him and he hides further into her.
“Dad said I’m too big for this.” His fingers are still in his mouth when he looks up. He can see Nancy clearly, she has tear stained cheeks.
“Well, dad sucks right now.”
“Did he tell you the same thing?”
“No, I didn’t wake them up. I wanted to. Do you need me to get mom?”
“No, just, can I stay with you?” She wipes some tears, smiles sadly.
“Of course Mike.” He doesn’t leave her lap, his blankie still being ran through his fingers. He focuses on her breathing, on how her room is decorated. On anything that can take him away from whatever he’s feeling.
“I’m worse than Holly.” He tries to joke, he feels Nancy kiss his head.
“You’ll always be my baby.” He used to hate when she called him her baby, now he’s thankful she’s willing to let him with her like this.
“Can I sleep here tonight?” He asks with hope in his voice. This isn’t a sleepover in Nancy’s room after mom and dad fought. This isn’t a fall asleep in the living room sleepover. This is what they used to do. When bad dreams were not real and Nancy could fight off an imaginary dragon or monster under his bed.
“You can every night.” She laughs ever so lightly and relief washes over Mike.
“Thank you.” He whispers back, closing his eyes some, feeling her pull him back with her. He hides into her side some when they lay down, she tucks the blankets around them.
“I had a dream about Barb.” She admits to him, her hand carding through his hair.
“I’m sorry. I got Will back…” he feels awful now, like he had the first day. Nancy had been so sad since then.
“Barb… Barb would have given her life to save Will’s.” Nancy tells him. Mike knows that, Barb was always super nice.
“I get why you miss her.” Mike tells her, like he can comfort her in anyway.
“It’ll get easier I think. Like when Aunt Mary died, it got easier for mom as time went on.”
“I’m sorry.” Mike says again after some silence, Nancy slowly putting him to sleep.
“Why now?”
“I’m such a baby, dad’s right.” Mike doesn’t feel embarrassed, but knows he should. Knows in the morning he probably will.
“Ignore him. You’re helping me too.”
“I am?”
“Do you think I was going back to sleep? Hell no.” He laughs a little as she says it.
“I never fell asleep.”
“Well, close your eyes.”
“I love you.” They had been saying it more, both scared it would be the last time.
“I love you too.”