(1)

I need to know more about you.

Xue Suren didn't even know the boy's name, but the thought kept circling his mind, around and around and around.

He had walked into the classroom with a quiet smile and a friend on each side. It made sense that this boy would be popular. He was enigmatic. From first glance, Suren was intrigued. His gaze followed the maroon head of hair as the three friends found their way to an empty cooking station meant for two and pulled up an extra bar stool. Suren had enrolled in Intro to Practical Cooking because seemed like it would come in handy and he needed another general ed course on his transcript, but he couldn't be happier with the puzzle that just presented itself to him: a boy wearing a black denim jacket with shoulder spikes, fingerless gloves, chains on his belt and heavy boots whose eyes simply did not match the fierce exterior, despite the eyeliner encompassing them. Those eyes were soft. They seemed nervous, and Suren was intrigued. That disconnect between aesthetic and demeanor was the driving force behind the mantra that had taken up residence in his mind.

The instructor arrived and assigned seats at random before Suren could think much more about the other boy, and in a matter of minutes he was standing at his randomly assigned station with one of the mysterious boy's friends. With a big, bright smile and dark eyes shrouded by overgrown bangs, he was almost the exact opposite of the mystery boy in both demeanor and style. He was dressed in a hoodie and black Adidas pants and introduced himself with a warm, extroverted energy.

"Hi, I'm Li Zihao. I look forward to burning food with you."

That got a laugh out of Suren, "Xue Suren, and likewise. Let's try not to burn down the building this semester," he said with a nod of his head. Their cooking station was a small surface with a sink, an oven with a stove top, and just enough counter space for two people to work simultaneously.

The instructor began reviewing the basics of kitchen equipment (the oven with a stove top is called a range, apparently) and safety (knives are sharp, so don't cut off your fingers), and despite his best efforts Suren found his eyes drawn to the mystery boy throughout the class. His body language oscillated between relaxed and confident to self conscious and anxious at a moment's notice. He had maroon hair and was wearing a lot of accessories - earrings, rings, necklaces - yet didn't seem to want any attention on himself. Suren found himself theorizing various possibilities, everything from a history of being bullied to the (unlikely, but never impossible) possibility of him being in witness protection. By the time class ended and students were packing up to leave, Suren had a whole list of questions about the guy. Number one, his name. He'd missed it during the seating assignments, too focused on his own placement, and now would have to wait another—

"Xinlong, wait up!"

Ah. Well, nevermind. Xinlong, huh? That's one question answered.

The next day brought its own surprise. As he walked out of his afternoon class, he heard someone call his name.

"Xue Suren! Over here!" He turned to look and immediately locked eyes with one Li Zihao. With a surprised huff, he found himself smiling at the coincidence as Zihao smiled widely and waved enthusiastically.

"Fancy seeing you here!" Zihao jogged a few steps to catch up and walk next to him toward the building exit. Just like the day before, Zihao was all bright smiles and warmth. He didn't seem to notice the multiple pairs of eyes that were now on the two of them, drawn by the volume. A slight flush crawled up Suren's neck from the unexpected attention.

"No friends with you today?" he asked Zihao.

"Just you, now!" Zihao replied brightly, "Xinlong and Hanyu are across campus in the art building all afternoon. Do you have another class after this?"

Suren's ears perked up at Xinlong's name. He wanted to know more about the mystery man, and at the moment all he knew was his name. He started formulating a plan.

"No, I'm free the rest of the afternoon. Wanna grab a coffee?" he asked.

He had the opportunity to see Li Zihao every day, who was friendly and extroverted. If he played his cards right and didn't scare him off by being a weirdo, Suren could easily work Xinlong into conversation on a regular basis, getting to know him bit by bit through osmosis. Then he could begin unraveling the mystery in his mind.

(2)

Once their cooking instructor deemed the full class capable of operating a range without setting someone on fire they were finally progressing to practical experience. Today they were making a basic vegetable soup. As usual, Suren found his gaze drawn two rows ahead of him across the center aisle to where Xinlong worked with his partner. Xinlong's cooking partner was taller than him, and when Suren watched Xinlong have to look up to meet the other's eyes, he was surprised at how much smaller Xinlong seemed compared to when he first saw him, when he seemed to fill the room simply by walking in. Now, Suren watched him politely listen as his partner spoke, nodding as his partner gestured toward the potatoes. His eyes were gentle and attentive, as though his cooking partner were the only other person in the room even though Suren was pretty sure they were just discussing how they'd split the work for the day.

When he looked back at his own cooking partner, he nearly snorted. Zihao currently had two carrot sticks in his mouth like walrus tusks and was carrying on chopping like nothing was amiss. He looked at Suren and blinked innocently. Straightening out his posture and smoothing his face despite the laughter threatening to break through, Suren grabbed two carrot sticks of his own and tucked them under his lips as well before picking up a potato to peel. He wasn't sure if they were supposed to peel the potatoes, but he had to commit to the bit and maintain confident nonchalance, so he couldn't check the recipe. Soon he saw Zihao's shoulders shaking in his peripheral vision, and this time when he looked over he saw the other struggling and failing to maintain his composure. He tilted his head to get Zihao's attention, and the second he looked up, Suren pursed his lips so the carrots stuck straight outwards. That was all it took. Zihao's carrots fell to the floor as he snorted in laughter and promptly crouched to the floor to hide while trying to stifle the sound and switching to a series of coughs as a cover. Suren swiftly removed his own carrot tusks as the attention of most of the classroom focused in their direction — curious glances from the students and a tired gaze from the instructor.

"Just a coughing fit," Suren excused and began patting Zihao's back. "He inhaled his saliva."

As everyone turned back around to attend to their own soups, Suren made eye contact with Xinlong. His eyes sparkled and his mouth was set in a knowing smirk. He definitely knew they'd been goofing off, and Suren smiled back at him and shrugged. Xinlong's smirk grew into a smile and he turned back to his vegetables. He's insightful.

"He's definitely gonna ask about that later," Zihao was standing again and picked up the knife to resume his chopping.

"I can't believe you cracked so easily." Suren replied.

"I was trying to make you laugh. I didn't expect you to do it, too," Zihao said quietly, trying not to be overheard. "Also, you were peeling that potato into oblivion. Look at it, it's completely flat on that side."

By the time their soup was complete, Suren would say they'd become fast friends. Their ingredients were misshapen and unevenly chopped, and their soup turned out barely more than bland, but they exchanged numbers and Suren considered the day a win.

(3)

Suren dragged his feet as he made his way toward an open table at the library. He had a study session planned today with Zihao and he was the first to arrive. He unpacked his laptop and study materials and promptly laid his head down on the table, his cap blocking out the light. He wasn't sure how long he'd been resting (definitely not sleeping), but he eventually heard Zihao approach, pull out a chair, and settle in. Suren waved without lifting his head or opening his eyes and heard Zihao snicker. His felt his cap be lifted away and then something cold and damp pressed against his cheek. He squealed and bolted upright, wiping the moisture from his face. The cold object was an iced americano which was now being held out for him to take. Zihao sipped from an identical beverage as he started up his laptop.

"You said you didn't sleep well. I didn't know what you liked, so I figured an iced americano was a safe bet," he said with his signature smile. Suren felt more awake just at the idea that Zihao had thought of him and wanted to help. He accepted the cup and wiped away the condensation with his sleeve.

"Awww, you're so sweet, Qi Qi," he said playfully. He reached across the table and pressed his now-wet sleeve to Zihao's face, cooing. Zihao leaned out of Suren's reach and rubbed his cheek.

"Don't mention it. Now focus," he pointed at Suren's laptop.

Suren gratefully took a sip of his gifted coffee and tried to obey and focus on his work. He'd made some progress before he realized his hands were slightly trembling. He pressed his palm flat to the table to try and calm the hand he wasn't using to write with, but it didn't help much. When he felt Zihao's hand cover his, he looked up. Zihao was still looking at his own laptop, but had clearly noticed the trembling as well.

"Have you eaten today?" he asked.

"Um," Suren mentally scanned the events of his day so far and realized, "no, I haven't."

Zihao just looked at him for a moment, his warm hand still covering Suren's on the table.

"Okay, let's get some food in you. Maybe then you can focus," he said in a tone that left no room for argument. He was already closing his laptop and books, so Suren packed up his study materials. Zihao reclaimed one of Suren's trembling hands in his, and in no time at all they were once again seated across the table from each other, only this time they were at a small ramen shop close to campus.

"So," Suren leaned on one elbow and lowered his voice to an over-dramatized seductive tone, "do you come here often?"

Zihao fluttered his long lashes and rested his head in one hand, "No, but I might start if someone like you is a regular here," he replied, playing along, but Suren immediately laughed.

"You can't say that, you're the one who brought me here on this dinner date," he said.

"It's called improvisation, baobao," Zihao looked unimpressed and Suren's quick surrender, "And it's not a date. You need to eat, it's around dinner time, it's more like a dinner detour before we go back to studying."

"Okay, well you're still the one that brought me here on this dinner detour so answer my question. Do you actually come here often?"

"Often enough, since it's so close. My preference though is to go to a hotpot place I know with Xinlong and Hanyu."

"Ahh, a good choice," Suren nodded sagely. Xinlong likes hotpot. Good to know, but not particularly helpful for understanding him. "What are they like? Hanyu and Xinlong? Seems like you've been friends for a long time." Suren had spoken to them here and there after class, but none of the four of them could linger long as they all had other classes to get to.

Zihao's eyes softened, "They're my brothers. We met as kids and grew up together. They're both great, both kind, caring people. Once you meet them, you'll see what I mean in no time," Zihao said. "We should all hang out sometime. I'm honestly surprised we haven't already."

Seeing Zihao soften up like that made Suren smile warmly, "I'd love that."

After their food arrived, Zihao started telling Suren stories from his childhood with his two best friends. By the time they left the restaurant, Suren felt confident in his assessment that Xinlong was a gentle, insightful person, but he was still stumped by his inconsistent body language. As he walked back to campus with Zihao, he observed the other. Compared to Xinlong, Zihao seemed confident and unafraid. His smile was not a shy thing to be carefully coaxed into a full grin; it was bold from the start, fully blooming with ease. He could be quiet, as well, but it was not a shy quietness. It wasn't a quiet that wished to remain unnoticed. He didn't seem to mind being observed.

Zihao enjoyed being himself, and Suren found that refreshing. He'd had to stifle his personality before, had to shrink himself down for fear of embarrassing his friends with his own boisterous behavior, but he never for a moment felt like he had to do that with Zihao. With him, Suren felt completely at home. He wondered what it was about Xinlong that kept him in his shell, and how he'd managed to develop a shell at all with a friend like Zihao who seemed perfectly comfortable without one.

(4)

"We're going to karaoke tomorrow night. You should come."

Suren looked up from his laptop to Zihao across from him in the campus cafe, eyes still locked on his phone. They'd begun hanging out more regularly after their attempted study session and dinner detour, but he still hadn't had a good opportunity to hang out with the group as a whole.

"Sure, I love karaoke. Who all is going?"

"Hanyu, Xinlong, and a couple of their friends, uh…" Zihao looked back to his phone before reading off, "Kangmin, Geonwoo, and Anxin."

"Oooh, a whole group! I'll be there, but I take no responsibility for the person I become behind a microphone." Suren loved to put all his energy into performances of any kind, karaoke included, and had no plans to hold back in front of others.

Zihao gave him his signature sunshiny grin, "Perfect, me neither."

The following night, Suren sat next to Zihao at one end of the U-shaped booth in their karaoke room watching Geonwoo sing Cool for the Summer by Demi Lovato and singing along. Suren recognized him as Xinlong's cooking class partner, and was glad to see the two of them seemed to get along as well as he and Zihao did. Getting along made cooking together so much more fun.

Their group was an excellent blend of personalities from boisterous to quiet, and Suren was thrilled to have the opportunity to observe Xinlong up close and outside of a class setting. He was so much more relaxed surrounded by his friends. His quiet smile evolved to a boxy, toothy grin and he, like everyone else, sang along in the background to nearly every song.

"Take me down!" everyone belted at the final chorus, Anxin and Zihao singing the background vocals and ad-libs as the song wound down. Geonwoo gave a deep and dramatic bow to his friends' applause.

Suren queued up his song choice and got up to sing next. When the opening notes of Red Velvet's Feel My Rhythm started, Zihao let out an excited shout and scrambled out of his seat to start dancing the choreography. Of course, Suren couldn't leave Zihao to dance alone, so he joined in, dancing while singing as they performed an impromptu idol show duet to the absolute delight of the group. They ended to a round of solid applause and the laughter that had become the defining feature of the evening. No matter who was singing or what they were talking about, the laughter never seemed to die. It was the best time Suren had had in… well, ever, he thought.

When Zihao decided to take a turn, he chose Jump by Blackpink.

"Hanyu," Suren heard Kangmin raise his voice to be heard across the table as the opening notes started, "you should add this song to the playlist for the formal."

"Formal?" Suren asked, leaning in to their conversation.

"The fall formal, you know? Hanyu is on the planning committee." Kangmin explained over the sound of Zihao channeling his inner girl group (and absolutely killing it).

This was entirely new information to Suren. "I didn't know we had a fall formal." Admittedly, he'd never paid much attention to any of the flyers around campus. He always assumed they were for tutoring help and various club meetings.

"Yeah! You should consider coming this year, it's always a good time."

"Maybe!" Suren said noncommittally before leaving his seat to jump around with Zihao at the chorus before launching into a high energy duet encore, his arm slung across Zihao's shoulders. When they flopped back into their seats, they were both winded and warm from exertion. Suren leaned into Zihao's side, grabbed his hand, and rested his head on his shoulder while Xinlong queued up the next song, Back Door by Stray Kids. Suren and Zihao apparently started a trend, because Anxin got up to provide backup dancing for Xinlong.

Xinlong loved Stray Kids, apparently. Finally Suren found something that explained his aesthetic choices. Suren knew Xinlong's voice was low, but it took on an entirely different quality through a microphone and reverberated through the room. He sounded great. Suren tilted his head up and spoke into Zihao's ear,

"Has Xinlong ever considered being an idol? He's got the voice for it."

He felt Zihao's shoulder stiffen briefly before relaxing and replying, "Nah, he doesn't really want that level of attention. He just performs for fun." Zihao was watching Xinlong, not looking at Suren. Suren simply nodded and sat upright. He wasn't surprised by the answer, but he was taken aback by the subtle shift he felt from Zihao. When he felt him stiffen up, Suren thought he must have accidentally tickled the other by breathing into his ear, but there was something else in his voice. It wasn't obvious, but he seemed quieter, slightly more serious than Suren had seen him all night. What just happened? Then Xinlong was done singing, and Zihao's demeanor shifted right back to where it had been before, loudly cheering with everyone else.

Suren tried to relax as well, maintaining the energy they'd had going all night, but he kept an eye on Zihao as his mind mulled over the new mystery.

(5)

A few weeks later, the fall formal snuck up on the two of them (they forgot about it), so Suren and Zihao went on a last-minute mall trip for dress clothes. Sifting through the minimal racks of men's formalwear, Suren wished they could do something a bit more exciting than a simple solid shirt and either khaki, navy or black pants.

"We can liven the look up with a tie." Zihao said, indicating the nearby tie rack. There were definitely more colors available here. They poured over the options together and gathered a few ties each. Zihao held up two to his face and looked to Suren for input.

"It's hard to say." Suren carefully considered the colors against Zihao's sun-kissed skin, the summer tan only just beginning to fade. "Pink and blue both look good on you. If you go with a white shirt, you could really pick any color you want." He reached up and took the pink tie into his own hands, holding it to Zihao's neck trying to visualize what it would look like against a dress shirt on a dark dance floor.

"I think pink works better, but this one in particular just doesn't seem right." he admitted, handing the tie back to Zihao. "What do you think of these for me?" Suren held up his handful of six ties in wildly different patterns and colors against his face.

Zihao looked at Suren pensively, weighing the options. He narrowed them down to two and then mimicked Suren's previous action, holding each one up to Suren's neckline for easier visualization. Zihao's eyes lingered on Suren's neck even after he took the ties away, and a brief moment passed before he suggested, "Maybe you should wear this necklace instead. It looks… nice. I bet it will look nice with a button-up shirt."

"What, this?" Suren touched his necklace. He was wearing a short string of delicate pearls that sat lightly in the hollow of his throat and along the top his collarbones.

"Yeah." Zihao looked away and surveyed their surroundings among the formalwear. "It's nice."

"You've mentioned that." Suren noticed the tips of Zihao's ears turning red and couldn't suppress a small giggle as he leaned forward. "Li Zihao, are you blushing?" he asked playfully.

"Maybe we should just skip the ties, it's just a college formal anyway. I don't think we'll be too out of place." Zihao quickly replied, changing the subject and moving away to place the ties back in their proper places.

Suren felt a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth, but didn't push it. They kept searching and in the end settled for simple button-ups and black slacks. Over lunch in the food court, Suren had an idea.

"I think I want to dye my hair for the formal."

"That'd be sick," Zihao responded through a mouth full of noodles. "What color?"

"I'm thinking silver. Would you help me?" Suren asked.

"Of course! Let's go to my apartment after this. I might join you with the dye if you'll give me a hand, too." Zihao said.

When they made it back to Zihao's campus apartment, they walked in with a formal outfit and a box of bleach and hair dye each. Suren stuck with the silver, and Zihao decided on a bubblegum pink. Suren turned on the TV and picked out a show to watch while they worked on their hair and turned the screen so they'd be able to see it from the kitchen table. Zihao found two t-shirts he didn't mind possibly ruining and some towels that had already been ruined from Xinlong's previous dye jobs. Suren turned from the TV when he heard Zihao walk back into the room, but was immediately engulfed in darkness as a t-shirt and towel hit him squarely in the face where he stood. When he pulled them away, he froze. Zihao was facing away from him, bare from the waist up. He'd already begun changing shirts, the original dropped unceremoniously to the floor at his feet. Suren watched the muscles in his shoulders and upper back flex and stretch as Zihao raised his arms above his head and began pulling on an older, faded t-shirt. Suren quickly turned around and changed his own shirt quickly as though speed would stop the embarrassed warmth he felt rising into his cheeks.

The t-shirt Zihao threw him was also faded, clearly an older shirt that he didn't mind getting bleach or dye on, and it smelled warm and comforting. Like Zihao.

"Do you want to go first, or should I?" Zihao's voice jolted Suren out of his thoughts and they both settled in to begin the bleaching process. Suren took his time making sure not to miss any spots on Zihao's head before they swapped. The feeling of Zihao's fingers running through his hair relaxed Suren to drowsiness, losing track of the conversation they'd been having instead of actually watching the show he'd pulled up. When Zihao was done, Suren heard him chuckle softly behind him.

"What's so funny?" he drawled without opening the eyes he didn't remember closing.

"Just thinking about how funny it would be to let you fall asleep with bleach in and let you wake up bald." Zihao responded.

"Noooo," Suren replied sleepily, "I'm so funny, I hope I don't go bald." That made Zihao fully laugh, which gave Suren the energy to finally open his eyes and stretch so that he didn't truly fall asleep. They sat together watching the TV in comfortable silence until Zihao's timer went off and they moved to the sink to rinse out first Zihao's, then Suren's bleach.

When it was finally time for dye, they did Suren's silver first. He was careful to fight the drowsiness that threatened to put him to sleep yet again and then it was time for Zihao's pink. Suren repeated the process, methodically applying the dye to Zihao's hair.

He was still drowsy, and when he got distracted stifling a yawn, he heard a small sound from Zihao. Looking down, he saw that he'd dripped pink dye onto Zihao's cheek. He put down the brush and dye and scrambled to dampen the corner of his towel with warm water. He grabbed Zihao's jaw to tilt his head up for easier access to wipe the dye away before it could do too much damage. After cleaning it away, he noticed Zihao's pretty brown eyes were wide and realized the way his face was still firmly in Suren's grasp. He let go like he'd been burned and quickly straightened up to stand behind Zihao and resume working on his hair, where Zihao couldn't see the bright red flush Suren felt spreading across his entire face. He frantically wracked his brain for anything to talk about so he could pretend he didn't just do that and they could move on.

"How often does Xinlong dye his hair?" he asked as he went back to placing the dye, trying to remain as careful and diligent as he had been before. It was harder now, with the embarrassed trembling in his hands.

"What?" Zihao seemed confused at the sudden shift. "He touches up the roots whenever they start to grow out, but it kind of varies I guess."

"You help him with it, right? You seem to know what you're doing." Suren tried to keep the conversation going.

"Yeah. He only started dyeing it over the summer, though, so I can't say I have the most practice in the world." Zihao shrugged.

"Oh? Why did he decide to start dyeing it?" Suren asked.

Zihao was quiet. Suren started to panic and wonder if he was going to reply at all when he finally spoke, "He wanted to give off a new kind of vibe. I think he was starting to get tired of being who he'd always been and wanted to change things up."

Now that was an interesting bit of information that might clear up a lot of Suren's unanswered theories about He Xinlong.

"Who had he always been?"

"I think you're due to rinse out your hair again." Zihao replied, looking down to his hands. Sure enough, as soon as the words left his mouth, the timer they'd set on Suren's phone went off. He dismissed the timer and finished Zihao's dye before going to rinse his own hair out in the sink.

When he turned off the water, Zihao spoke quietly, still looking at his hands and poking at his cuticles.

"Xinlong has always been whoever other people wanted him to be. He's kind to a fault, and people sometimes take advantage of that. He's always liked the style he dresses in now, but he never felt like he could actually wear those things and still be himself. I never fully understood it, so when he decided over the summer to revamp his wardrobe and dye his hair, Hanyu and I both were completely in support of his decision. I think it's really helped him this semester," a small smile played on his lips, "like it sparked new growth for him. He seems happier."

Suren sat down at the table next to Zihao, observing his profile.

"That's really impressive," he began, "it's hard to make big changes like that. I know your support must have made a world of difference for him."

"He deserves the world, and I'll always support him." Zihao spoke softly. He fell silent, and the air in the apartment felt heavy, somber. Afraid to break the spell, Suren sat quietly. His mind, however, was working in overdrive trying to unravel the reasons for the sudden shift from their lighthearted and playful afternoon to this weighted atmosphere. It felt like there was more here than awkwardness about the face-grabbing incident. For the first time, Suren couldn't help but wonder if Zihao harbored deeper feelings for Xinlong than friendship. A sour rock formed in his stomach at the thought. Then Zihao cleared his throat and looked up, meeting Suren's eyes with a normal smile. Not Zihao's normal. Just normal. It looked strange on his face.

"I'm pretty sure Hanyu and Xinlong will be home soon, do you want to stay for dinner? We're probably just ordering delivery."

"Mm." Food did sound good, but "I have a project due at midnight so I should probably get going once we rinse your hair out." Suren answers. It wasn't a lie, but he couldn't stop thinking about Zihao and Xinlong, and he wasn't sure he could handle watching the two of them together and confirming his suspicions.

"Oh, you don't need to help me rinse my hair out. I don't mind if you want to go ahead and go work on your project. I know how last-minute projects feel, no worries." Zihao seemed more or less back to his typical self, so Suren said his farewell and walked out into the autumn evening, hair still wet under a cap Zihao lent him.

Fall Formal (+1)

The sun was already setting, so Suren picked up the pace to cross campus before it became fully night. His mind was racing, picking out small moments from the past and wondering how he'd been so blind until now. He'd only met Zihao a few months ago, but it felt like he'd known him his whole life. He couldn't believe he'd missed Zihao's feelings towards his best friend. Because the more Suren thought about it, the more certain he became that Li Zihao was in love with He Xinlong, the one who started this whole ordeal for Suren. He understood, of course. Zihao probably knew Xinlong better than anyone, and Xinlong had a magnetic presence that drew people in. Being in such close orbit to someone like that, he's sure anyone would fall for the boy. But Suren felt acid in his throat as he thought about Zihao's warm tone turning cold after Suren's question, the way he'd stiffened up more than once when the topic of Xinlong came up, and he had to accept it. Zihao loved Xinlong, and he didn't want Suren getting too close. And that hurt. He was close to Zihao, but he'd still wanted the last barrier to fall - the one between him and the rest of Zihao's trio. He'd wanted to be accepted by Xinlong and Hanyu as a part of Zihao's life.

Xinlong had caught his eye first, it's true. But getting to know Zihao had felt like coming home. Now he felt like he was on the edge of being pushed out into the cold again. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called a number.

"Hello?" said a soft voice on the other end.

"Jiahao, did you know there's a fall formal tomorrow night?"

Suren checked his reflection one more time before he left. He'd ended up borrowing a dark purple satin shirt and black vest from Jiahao instead of wearing the plain one he'd bought with Zihao. The purple contrasted nicely with the newly silver hair and fitted black slacks. He wore the same pearl necklace from the day before and matching earrings. Zihao was right, it did look really nice against the unbuttoned collar of the shirt. His eyeliner was subtle and perfectly smudged. He looked ready.

He didn't feel ready, though. Suren checked his phone once more. He'd only had one text from Zihao all day, a response to his own message confirming that he would see the other tonight. He steeled his resolve and set out for the event space. The formal was being held in a venue three blocks from campus. It was close enough that Suren decided it wasn't worth driving to, and the twilight walk would give him more time to think.

He was fairly certain he'd royally messed up in his approach to, well, everything. He'd wanted to get to know more about Xinlong because he seemed like a walking contradiction, but had never actually talked to Zihao about his curiosity. If he had, maybe Zihao wouldn't be so upset right now. Zihao would know Suren wasn't trying to pursue Xinlong romantically, and wouldn't feel defensive about him. That was one part of the problem.

The other part was that Suren realized entirely too late that he liked Zihao. After talking to Jiahao last night, it was so obvious that he felt like a complete fool for not realizing it sooner. He loved Zihao, and probably had for a while. The warmth he felt when they spent time together wasn't just Zihao's sunny personality, it was his own heart overflowing. He knew he loved Zihao's smile, but he also loved to be the reason Zihao smiled. That acidic burn he experienced when Zihao spoke so fondly of Xinlong was jealousy in it's simplest form. Suren was jealous that Zihao was in love with someone else, someone who already knew all of the little details about him that Suren was still trying to learn. He'd been unable to sleep, talking (crying) to Jiahao and trying to decide what to do. When he finally woke up in the late morning, he felt the weight of his decision sitting like an anchor in his chest, pinning him to the bed until the afternoon. He couldn't watch Zihao pine for Xinlong up close, couldn't bear the idea of Zihao finally confiding in Suren about his crush, potentially even asking advice. He was going to confess to Zihao tonight. He needed Zihao to know. He knew the result, knew he would be kindly, gently rejected, and knew Zihao would probably offer to still be friends. But Suren wouldn't be able to do that, and that's what hurt the most about his decision. Trying to remain friends afterwards would be too painful every day, and he knew he would always harbor a seed of hope that he would be able to win Zihao over, or that Zihao would get over Xinlong and move on. For his own good, he had to completely let go. He would confess, and then he would have to go back to being a stranger to Li Zihao. He stood tall and walked straight toward the funeral of the best friendship he'd ever had.

As he walked up to the building, he could hear the bass of the DJ inside. He could see the edge of a small patio area around the back, laughter echoing to the street. He took a deep breath at the door, and walked inside. Surprisingly, the first person he saw inside was Hanyu manning a beverage station in the first room. This venue seemed to have a separate dance floor beyond a pair of glass paneled double doors and multiple nooks to simply socialize or snack in.

"Suren!" Hanyu cheerfully waved him over. "I'm so glad you made it! You look great, the hair really suits you."

"Thanks, Hanyu-ge." Suren lightly touched the tips of his hair. He opened his mouth to speak, but Hanyu was quicker.

"I'm pretty sure Zihao and Xinlong are on the dance floor. Geonwoo and Anxin are around here somewhere, too. They got here just a bit ago. Go find them, have fun, and come back here when you need to rehydrate!" Hanyu smiled and waved him towards the double doors.

Suren paused for a moment to peer through the glass. It was dimly lit on the other side and what light there was seemed to be blue. Combined with strobe lights and lasers, they'd created a very visually confusing atmosphere. He could see a lot more people than he expected on the dance floor, and knew he was probably going to have a harder time finding Zihao than he thought. When he finally went in, he was surprised to discover that one wall was open air and seemed to go out onto the patio he'd seen from the front. He stuck to the perimeter and wove his way through the dancing bodies and toward the patio, keeping an eye out for a newly pink head of hair. When he reached his destination, he leaned against the wall and looked out into the crowd, enjoying the direct access to fresh, cool air. After two songs, he decided to circle the perimeter of the dance floor again before trying the other rooms in the venue. Right as he reached the bulk of the crowd, the music changed to a slow song. People coupled up and the crowd thinned significantly, giving Suren a much better line of sight throughout the whole dance floor. Directly in front of him along the same wall, probably twenty feet away, Zihao was leaned against the brick gazing out onto the dance floor. He looked stunning. The pink really suited him, and he'd also opted for a different shirt than the one they'd bought together, wearing a tight black button-up with a flowing floral pattern in silver thread complemented nicely by a silver multi-strand necklace. It was much more delicate than anything Suren had seen him wear before. His sleeves were rolled up to the elbow, and both hands were in his pockets.

Suren stopped in his tracks, suddenly wanting to turn around and forget his entire plan. He could bury his feelings and continue being friends with Zihao. But he knew it would never last. The dam would break eventually, and it would be even more difficult when it finally did. Suren had to tell Zihao how he felt, and it would be better for everyone to just get it over with even when it made his throat tight and his eyes began to sting from the threat of tears. Suren shook his head to clear his mind and walked straight toward him. As he got closer, Suren was able to make out the details of Zihao's facial expression, and it made him hesitate once more. Zihao looked absolutely distraught, eyes glistening and lips tight as he watched the dance floor. Suren followed his line of sight and saw the reason— Xinlong was slow dancing with Geonwoo, hands around shoulders and waists as they swayed together to the music. He felt the air leave his lungs.

"Suren?" He spun around, Zihao must have noticed him standing there. He still looked so hurt, Suren felt his own eyes begin to water as all of his temporarily buried emotions tried to surface before he was quite ready. Zihao grasped Suren's elbow and pulled him back the direction he'd come, toward the patio.

"Zihao, I—"

"Wait until we're out of here, I can't hear anything over this music." Zihao cut him off.

So Suren remained silent as Zihao directed him onto the patio and then beyond, around the corner of the building until he found a suitably secluded spot where he released Suren and turned to face him. "Suren—"

"Zihao, I'm so sorry." Suren cut him off this time, his words desperate to be heard.

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who should be sorry." Zihao's tears finally escaped and began rolling down his cheeks. "I know how much you—"

"What are you sorry for?" Suren cut him off once more and reached up to wipe the tears, but seeing Zihao crying was painful, and Suren began crying too. "If anyone should be sorry, it should be He Xinlong for not seeing what's been right in front of him this whole time." He held Zihao's face in his hands.

"But I feel so terrible because I knew," Zihao placed his hands over Suren's. He was nearly sobbing now. "It's been eating me alive knowing how much you like Xinlong and knowing Xinlong was into Geonwoo. I should have said something a long time ago, but I didn't know if it would last and I didn't want you to be hurt."

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?" Suren asked, entirely confused. "What do you mean?"

"I've known since the first few weeks of class that Xinlong was into Geonwoo. I know it was shitty of me not to tell you or say anything at all—"

"Zihao," Suren realized he was still holding Zihao's face, and squished his cheeks together to silence him. This was not how he pictured tonight going. "Aren't you in love with Xinlong?" Zihao's brows furrowed, and he pulled Suren's hands away.

"Why would you think that? He's like my brother, we grew up together. I told you that. Wait, you don't like him?"

"I mean, he's a great guy, but no I don't like him romantically." Suren's head was spinning. "Just to clarify, you don't like him like that either?"

"No," Zihao shook his head. "What made you think I did?"

"I thought you were jealous that I kept asking questions about him, and then yesterday you said he deserves the world and you looked like your heart was going to explode!"

"I was jealous, and it was going to explode, because I said I'd always support his decisions and I knew that he was going to reject you if you ever confessed to him and I was dying inside because I wished you would confess to me instead!" Zihao slapped a hand over his mouth the second the last word left his lips, and Suren stared at him, stunned.

"You what?" he whispered.

Zihao looked at him, a hand still held to his mouth, and started to walk past Suren toward the patio but Suren grabbed his elbow as he passed and turned him back around.

"Zihao, look at me. I did come here tonight planning to confess, but not to Xinlong. No offense to him, but I do not care about Xinlong right now. I came here to confess to you. I was ready to confess and let go and move on because I was certain you were in love with someone else and I couldn't bear to be so close to you only to watch you want someone else." His voice cracked and the tears that had subsided came back full force as Zihao's words finally sank in. He'd wanted Suren to confess to him.

"It took me way too long to realize it, but the feelings have been there for a long time. I'd just been oblivious to them until I thought you liked Xinlong, and I was so jealous it hurt." Suren's breath stuttered, "I thought I'd have to let you go forever."

"Xue Suren, you idiot." Zihao was crying again, too. "I've liked you since the first week of school. I thought you were in love with Xinlong because you always ask questions about him. What is that all about, then?"

"He's just confusing!" Suren exclaimed, "Why does he flip flop so easily from being fierce to being a cinnamon roll? That's not average! I just wanted to know what his deal was!"

"Why are you so weird!" Zihao's voice rose to match Suren's, but he was laughing now despite the tears that were still rolling down his face.

"What are you still crying for?" Suren started laughing, too and grabbed Zihao's face once more.

"It's your fault! I was so handsome today." Zihao said, grabbing Suren's face as well.

Suren wiped at the smudged eyeliner under Zihao's eyes with his thumb, "You're handsome every day, baobao."

Zihao pulled him in to a tight embrace, and Suren tucked his head in to Zihao's shoulder and hoped his eyeliner wouldn't come off onto the nice shirt. They stood there wrapped up in each other until their breathing settled and they'd both calmed down.

"Pink looks really good on you, by the way." He whispered. He could feel Zihao's cheeks stretch into a grin.

"Thanks, baobao. I'm glad you wore that necklace. It looks so good with the shirt."

When they were ready, they pulled away and looked at each other for another moment.

"You're so gorgeous, Xue Suren." Zihao said, looking at Suren like he was something precious. "I just want to make sure it's perfectly clear and we're on the same page." He squared his shoulders and said, "I like you, Suren. I want to be more than friends. I want to hold your hand, and go on dates— real dates, not dinner detours, and I'd really like to kiss you." His voice trembled on the last part, and Suren smiled brightly before leaning in and planting a light kiss on Zihao's lips.

It was just a gentle press, but Suren felt warmth bloom in his chest. He pulled away just enough to softly speak, "I like you so much, Zihao. Please go out with me." Zihao closed the gap this time, cupping Suren's jaw and kissing him more firmly than before; an answer and a promise in one action.

"Do you want to go get some water from Hanyu's drink table and then actually enjoy this party?" Zihao said, forehead pressed to Suren's. Suren laughed.

"Yeah, let's go tear up that dance floor."

Later, as they walked back to Zihao's apartment hand in hand, Suren stopped suddenly and slapped both hands to his face, dropping to the ground.

"I forgot to submit my project last night!"