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Marinette sighed as she stared at her computer. At the computer background.
"What's wrong, Marinette?" said Tikki.
"… Her," said Marinette. "Me. Agh!"
She jammed the backs of her hands into her eyes, so she could stop getting combusted from the perfection in front of her. It helped a little bit. But then she remembered that Kagami would be coming around at five, and the combusting started back up again.
"There's something wrong with Kagami?" said Tikki.
"Yes! No!" Marinette groaned again. "She's too perfect! I can't be into her! I'll just stain her shoes with my dirt of mediocrity. I should just give up. I'll let her find someone better, like Adrien or Luka —"
"You know she's not into boys, Marinette," said Tikki gently.
"Then Alya! Diane! Zoé!"
"All of them are taken."
"Whoever! Anyone other than me!"
Tikki smiled, though it was a tense smile. "Marinette. Are you just making excuses again? Just so you won't have to risk getting a no?"
"I'm not," said Marinette.
Then she sagged in her chair. "Okay, I am. But it's not just that. I'm scared she'll say no, but… I'm also scared she'll say yes?"
"Why?"
"If she says no, I'm doomed." Marinette sagged even further, to the point where even her hips went out past the seat. "I don't want that. But if she says yes, I'll… I'll have responsibilities towards her. I'll have to not disappoint her, I'll have to make her feel perfect every single day, because she is. And if she doesn't feel perfect, she'll hate me, but more importantly she'll hate herself. Y'see?"
"That —"
"And when she's near I feel like I'm going to make mistakes! I lose control of my breathing and I can't think clearly, and I feel like all I want to do is hold her hands, but if we hold hands I'll just explode because my heart isn't built for dealing with perfection. Her palms would cut me to pieces."
Marinette finally slipped all the way to the floor. Not on purpose. She briefly forgot where she was and then she yelped and her bum hit the floorboards, and the chair rolled off and crashed into the stairs.
Tikki rolled her eyes while Marinette huffed and rubbed her bruises. "Marinette. You're overthinking things again. Like you always do. You're not the only person responsible for keeping her happy, and if she feels sad that doesn't mean you've failed."
"Doesn't it?" said Marinette, dry in the throat. "If I want to keep her happy, then I've failed if she's ever sad."
"Everyone's sad sometimes," said Tikki. "You can't avoid that."
"But I want to! I don't want her to be hurt, ever." Marinette let herself fall sideways, so she was just a limp noodle on the floor. "Tikki… I really want to ask her out. I really want her to be my girlfriend. But then I think… what if I hurt her? What if I'm not good enough for her?" She scrunched up further and ended up in the fetal position, pushing her forehead against her knees. "And I'm not good enough for her. I'm not."
"I think it's up to her to decide that," said Tikki. She floated closer and stroked Marinette on the ear. "Don't you think so?"
Marinette squirmed a little. "Not so loud…"
"Oh. Sorry…" said Tikki and floated away.
"… Do you… think she'll want me?" said Marinette. This time, she couldn't help sounding a little bit hopeful. Asking the empty air between her thighs and her chest felt less demanding than asking another person, and Tikki was just listening in and could decide to answer if she wanted to.
"I think that's also something Kagami will have to decide," said Tikki.
Yes. And Kagami would make her decision in five minutes' time, provided Marinette could get even a single word out once she arrived. Inviting her up here had been an act of desperation, because maybe being up here, in the room where she technically had home turf advantage, Marinette could finally push a single word out. Or maybe when Kagami saw the computer screen where her face was surrounded by hearts, she would realise what was going on without having to interpret any words from Marinette's treacherous throat.
It was nice to dream sometimes, at least.
"I love her," said Marinette. "I really, really love her."
"I'm flattered," said Kagami's voice. Marinette tensed like she'd been shot, pulled her head up enough to see that Kagami's head was popping out of the open trapdoor. "Thank you, Marinette," Kagami continued, smiling.
"… Wh…" said Marinette, because she didn't have anything better on her mind.
Kagami climbed up the last of the steps and slowly closed the trapdoor. She was gorgeous — her hair glowed in the warm sunlight from the window, her smile burnt and her eyes sizzled. Every part of her, from the way her body was constructed to the way she walked it along the floor, was amazing.
"I arrived early," she said. "I happened to overhear your conversation with Tikki." Then she knelt down in front of Marinette, she knelt. She, a girl who should be carried around on a golden throne every day of her life, was kneeling on the dusty floor.
"Oh," said Marinette.
"I won't tell you either yes or no if it scares you so much," Kagami continued — of course she'd heard. She'd probably been in the living room for minutes, and Marinette had never been quiet about her outbursts. Knowing all that, Marinette flinched, averting her eyes. "But I will tell you I love you too."
Marinette blinked at her knees. "Wh…" she said, again.
"And I think Tikki is right, and you should allow me to be sad or upset sometimes."
"… Okay…"
"And I think that if we hold hands, you will be perfectly fine. You will be a mess, but a fine mess."
A fine mess that Kagami had gotten herself into. Somehow. "I don't think so," replied Marinette.
"Try it. I know you'll be fine."
"No."
"Marinette."
Marinette sighed her resignation, and stretched out her hand without looking. In a way, she hoped Kagami wouldn't be able to reach it, but she also really hoped the opposite. She wanted Kagami to pick someone better but even more than that, she wanted Kagami to pick her.
And then Kagami's hand took hold of hers. It was warm, soft, despite the calluses in the furrows of the fingers; it was a grip that could hold on for a thousand years.
"Did you explode yet?" said Kagami.
"No," said Marinette.
She lay there and waited for the explosion to happen. But it never did. Instead, it felt like the hands melted together.
"… Kagami?"
"Yes?"
"If we keep holding hands… will you hate it?"
"No."
So they kept holding on, silent but content together.