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This stakeout might be the most boring one Jacobi has ever been on. And, yes, he might say that about every stakeout, but this time it’s the truth!
He had to sit in a disgusting car, in near-complete silence, with nothing but watching for something that might happen to preoccupy himself. And Kepler had been in a grumpier mood than usual the whole time, which was just buckets of fun. Jacobi generally liked being alive, so he did his best to stay still and quiet.
For sixteen hours.
At least there had been two of them, so Jacobi was permitted to take a couple of small naps. He doesn’t think that Kepler even blinked the entire time.
Well, at least it was over. Jacobi was looking forward to crashing on his bed, fully clothed, and passing out for the foreseeable future.
Even though he was exhausted as shit, Jacobi still heard the small click that wasn’t supposed to be there when he opened the door to their motel room. Just because he was awake enough to hear it, didn’t mean that he was awake enough to dodge the two robot hands that lunged at him from the ceiling.
And, honestly, he didn’t fight it as hard as he probably could’ve, because when Jacobi found himself dangling an inch or two above the floor, he just stared blankly at Maxwell and said, “Really? Was this really necessary?”
And Maxwell, wearing a shit-eating grin on her face, shrugged and said, “You can’t just leave me alone for sixteen hours when we’re on a mission and expect me not to build something. I got bored!”
“What if Kepler had gone in first?!”
“Oh please,” said Maxwell, fiddling with a machine that Jacobi did not want to know the purpose of, but had a sneaking suspicion that he was going to find out anyway. “Kepler never goes in first. At least, not into any of our shared rooms. It’s so that, just in case anyone like me has set a trap, you’ll be the one caught in it.”
Jacobi gaped and turned as best as he could to look at Kepler. He was not even a little surprised to find Kepler smirking back at him before shrugging one shoulder in a ‘what can you do?’ sort of way. Asshole.
“You need to be able to expect the unexpected, Mister Jacobi,” he said, gathering some clothes out of his bag. “You never know what might be around the next corner. Now, since you’re a little caught up, I’m going to take the first shower. Maxwell, go easy on him.”
Then he turned on his heel and shut the door behind him, leaving Jacobi and Maxwell alone.
Wait. “Go easy on me?” Jacobi turned to Maxwell. “What did he mean by go easy on me?!”
She walked up to him, and is dawned on Jacobi how vulnerable he was in this moment. He had very little leverage and he knew from experience that there would be no breaking Maxwell’s creation. Even if he could, he wouldn’t, because whatever she had in store for him now would be nothing compared to the fury she would unleash on him for daring to damage one of her precious machines.
For the moment, he was also holding back on trying to kick at her. Jacobi didn’t want to hurt Maxwell, she was very quickly becoming his best friend, and he was pretty sure that she didn’t want to hurt him either.
Like, eighty percent sure. Maybe seventy-five.
There was a small creak from above him and Jacobi glanced up nervously. “Is the ceiling going to collapse on us? How has the ceiling not already collapsed on us?”
“Oh, I made some adjustments while you were gone,” said Maxwell distractedly.
Jacobi let that one sink in for a moment. “To the ceiling?”
“Yeah?” She gave him a look that screamed ‘are you fucking stupid or something?’ “I told you that I got bored.”
“Right. Sure.”
Maxwell let out a triumphant laugh, straightening up and flipping a small, round object like one would a coin. The shower in the bathroom turned on. Why the hell did Kepler take so long in the bathroom? What was that man doing in there?!
Scratch that, Jacobi didn’t want to know.
Meanwhile, Maxwell was making her way towards him. “Hey. Hey! Back off! Keep your weird contraptions away from me!”
And she rolled her eyes at him! Like he was the unreasonable one here!
When she was behind him, fiddling with something he couldn’t see anymore, she started explaining. “Calm down, Jacobi. It’s just a prototype, and I’ve made some adjustments so that it shouldn’t hurt. I just need to see if the general mechanics work, and you’re the perfect test subject. Now, you’re going to feel a slight pinch.”
You see, Jacobi was still caught on the word shouldn’t, which didn’t exactly inspire confidence. So, when the pinch came…
“Ow!” Something latched onto the skin at the top of his spine, and it definitely wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world.
Maxwell walked back in front of him, taking a seat in the ratty chair and pulling a clipboard into her lap. “Don’t be a baby. I just want you to tell me if you can feel this, and where the sensation is.”
And then she pulled out a remote. Which, to be completely honest, was a terrifying turn of events.
“Hold on,” he said, “what the fuck is thAT—HEY!”
A zing of electricity sparked up his neck and around his ears, and Jacobi was staring to wish that it did hurt. At least then, he could tough it out. Goddard trained him to withstand torture. Jacobi was good at withstanding torture.
Just not of this variety.
“Well?” Maxwell looked at him knowingly, a smug grin pulling at her lips. She was fiddling with the remote in a way that was absolutely deliberately intimidating.
And she’d asked him a question. “Uh, well what?”
The grin dropped into an annoyed scowl and she said, “I asked if you could feel it, and where the sensation is. Since you clearly weren’t paying enough attention the first time, I’ll let it go on a little longer, just so we can make sure we’re gathering accurate data. Sound good?”
“No! No it does not sound good!” Jacobi started struggling before she even pressed the button. “Maxwell, don’t you dahahare! Hey nohoho!”
Whatever the hell she’d attached to him had no right to tickle as much as it did. The nerves in his neck felt like they were lit up, and his ears were being attacked by an incessant, horrible buzzing that made Jacobi want to crawl out of his skin.
And it wasn’t stopping.
Jacobi managed to pry one eye open to see Maxwell watching him expectantly.
Oh, right. “Yes, I can feel it, you asshole!” She squinted her eyes and tilted her head just slightly. “It’s in my neheheck! And in my fuhuhucking ears ohmygod just turn it off!”
Finally, the buzzing went away, and Jacobi felt like he could think in a straight line again. Probably not for very long, though.
“Good,” she said, making a note on her clipboard. “How about now?”
The electricity jumped to his ribs and Jacobi made a very impressive attempt at folding in half upwards. It didn’t last very long though, and his core strength flooded out of him as he shrieked, the feeling buzzing between his ribs before zipping up his back.
Maxwell winced in mock-sympathy, taking another note. “Ooh, bad spot? Just let me know where that is and we can move on.”
When Jacobi got out of this, he was going to kill her.
“Ribs!” He managed to choke out. “And my bahahack! Maxwell let me ohohout!”
“I don’t know,” she mused, “I’m kind of hungry. Maybe I’ll just leave you like this for a bit. I’m sure Kepler will help you out once he finds you. Probably.”
Jacobi’s eyes widened and he shook his head frantically. Kepler could not see him like this.
“Alright, alright. One more spot and then we’re done.”
She let him get a few breaths in while she messed with the remote. Turning dials and flipping switches and whatever other roboty things she had to do.
All that air wheezed out of him in a silent cackle when she pressed the final button.
“LEGS!” He shouted before she even managed to say anything, kicking the aforementioned limbs uselessly through the air as they were overwhelmed. “Plehehease!”
Electricity crackled down his thighs, skittered around his knees, and pulsed through his calves.
“Alright, Doctor. As entertaining as this is, I prefer my ballistics expert alive. I’d also like it if we weren’t kicked out of the motel due to inordinate amounts of noise.”
“Yessir!”
Jacobi vaguely processed this exchange in the back of his mind while the arms let him go, leaving him to stumble through getting his tired legs to steady beneath him.
A warm arm circled around his shoulders, holding him upright. “Easy there, Mister Jacobi. Why don’t we get this thing out of you? Doctor?”
Footsteps approached behind him and, one slight pinch later, Jacobi felt the evil device of doom being removed from his neck.
“Thank you, sir.” He forced himself to look up and saw Kepler already looking down at him with an amused grin. “I’m never living this down, am I?”
Kepler let out a soft chuckle at that. “No, you most definitely are not. Now, go take a shower and get some rest. You’ve certainly earned it.”
Jacobi was released with a brief squeeze to the neck, which he only slightly flinched at, thank you very much. It was to be expected after everything he just went though. He also had a feeling that it was on purpose. Things usually were, with Kepler.
Later, when he was crawling into bed, Kepler was already fast asleep, Jacobi saw Maxwell sat hunched over a desk, fiddling with something. He let out a long, violent yawn, and said, “G’night, Alana.”
Her head shot up to look at him, eyebrows raised in surprise. “Are we on a first name basis now?”
“After that? We better fucking be.” Jacobi cracked a tired grin as he said it, and Maxwell’s expression softened into something more affectionate.
“Sorry about all that,” she said. “Boredom, y’know?”
Jacobi snorted, rolling onto his back and getting as comfortable as he could on the worst mattresses known to man. “No you aren’t. And you shouldn’t be. You got me fair and square, and Kepler’s right, you gotta expect the unexpected.” They both laughed at his ridiculous Kepler impression before Jacobi continued, “Just know that my revenge will be swift and merciless. You’ll never see me coming.”
Maxwell packed away her things and turned off the light, crawling into bed next to him. “Yeah, I’m really scared of you right now.”
“Good,” Jacobi muttered into his pillow, flinging an arm over her just to hear her disgruntled groan, “You should be. Now, goodnight, Alana.”
He could basically feel her eyeroll when she replied, “Goodnight, Daniel.”
It’s okay though, because he could also hear her smile, too.