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An woke up with the worst headache she had ever had. She glanced at the clock. Seven-thirty. Her parents were letting her sleep in on a school day? What on-
Her memory came racing back, taunting her with the reminder of what she'd learned the night before. It had been one of the worst days of her life so far, she decided, and for some fucking reason she'd lied to everyone there about how she was feeling. Maybe for three minutes she'd felt fine. Had they just chosen to trust her words, her spineless, useless words, instead of thinking about how she must have been trying to cope with the information she'd just learned and projecting her emotions outwards or something like that? I'll definitely surpass Rad Weekend? What on earth had possessed her to say that?
Everyone had looked so proud of her when she'd said it, though. They'd been able to forget about the reality of the situation for a little while and maybe because none of them even knew Nagi (except for her father, of course, but she had nothing but rage for his role in the whole situation, how he'd just decided that she didn't need to know anything, that she wouldn't care about where Nagi was), they'd all be able to say, "Oh, that was upsetting," but they'd get over it soon enough. An didn't think she had that same fortitude. She had never had anything of the sort.
They liked it when she was happy. The whole town did, really. Because when she was upset, they always tried to redirect her. To encourage her to find another thing that she would enjoy. Yes, they could be harsh with their critiques, but if she was crying about her friend who was moving to another country or something, they all knew never to allow her to dwell on it.
So she'd learned to cry in her room. All alone, usually when her parents were out, or if she couldn't wait for that, she would muffle her tears in one of the many throw pillows on her bed. When she'd been younger, when she'd been caught up in all their lies, An had cried about how Nagi didn't seem to like her very much anymore. At that time she hadn't been home in years; all An's calls had gone unanswered; and her parents didn't seem to have contact, either; had she just decided they weren't worth her time?
An glanced at her phone. Five missed calls, most of them from Kohane, probably asking if she was okay and if she wanted a shoulder to cry on. She wanted to call her back and say I know this is unbelievably selfish but I don't want to go to school. I just want to spend time with you. Could she? Everyone would worry if she did and An didn't want them to be concerned and, well...
She'd cried herself to sleep the night before. She really should have called Kohane or Akito or Toya or someone who would listen to her without trying to say something like Well, this is what Nagi wanted. But she'd told herself that Kohane would be too nice about the whole thing and offer to come over and spend the night on a whim because she had seen how upset An had been, and she didn't want to cause any trouble to Kohane or her parents.
Going to school seemed like a pointless endeavour now. Why should she be expected to simply pick up all the shards of her heart and her courage and glue them back together overnight? Maybe Kohane could; she'd always been the braver one in their duo, really. But even then, Kohane was the sort to be open about how she felt, and if she underwent something like this, they'd probably be fixing their practice schedule to accommodate, and she'd be apologetic but firm about what she needed.
An, though? If she didn't have to mess with someone else's life, she wouldn't.
She stared up at the ceiling. Last night she hadn't had the guts to tear off all the pictures from her walls because it had felt wrong. Like it was disrespectful. Or maybe she'd just been immobilized by grief.
She didn't think she'd be able to do that today, either. Every last bit of anger she possessed was directed at those old photos, but she couldn't take them down because looking at them for longer than a second made her break into tears again and she just couldn't force herself to do anything of the sort.
It really wasn't fair.
An closed her eyes. Maybe sleep could reclaim her again and this time, she wouldn't dream of Nagi like she had last night. Her mind wouldn't taunt her with happy memories (playing video games, singing in the street, eating her father's cooking after a long day); instead, it would either bring her no dreams at all or ones that were irrelevant to her current situation.
Before that could happen, though, she felt a dip in her mattress. If this unidentified, uninvited visitor was either of her parents, she was going to pretend everything was fine and say she'd just overslept. If it was Kohane or Toya or maybe Akito, she'd allow herself to cry in front of them.
Slowly, An opened her eyes. Thankfully, no one had thought to turn on the lights in her room.
Kohane's concerned face greeted her. "An-chan, my school got cancelled today, so I thought I'd come over," she said. It was a little too early for that, but oh well. An was happy to see her. "Is it okay if I lay down?"
An nodded.
The next thing she felt was Kohane's arms wrapping around her as if she was trying to protect her from anything that could possibly hurt her. "Technically, my school isn't cancelled," she whispered. "But Ken-san thinks it is."
"That's devious of you," An mumbled. "A rule breaker? My Kohane?"
"I wanted to make sure you were okay," she said. "But clearly you're not. And that's okay. I didn't think you'd take this well."
An wasn't sure what to say to that, and so she moved herself ever so slightly closer to Kohane instead. She took the hint and eventually they were closer than they'd been.
"I can stay here all day if you want," Kohane promised.
"I shouldn't force you to do that," An mumbled.
"You're not forcing me, An-chan," she insisted as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "We're partners. We support each other, right?"
"I... thank you."
Kohane ran a hand through An's very tangled hair, gently coaxing the knots back into their original strands. They stayed like that for a good half hour, An thought, before either of them came up with anything they wanted to talk about.
"I just can't believe she's gone."
The hand that was now just starting to braid her hair stopped. An sort of wished Kohane would continue because she wasn't sure she'd be able to say any of this if she knew that Kohane's attention was solely focused on her stupid emotions.
Thankfully, after a few minutes of silence, Kohane began braiding her hair again.
"She- she said she was going to watch me surpass her. And I- she- she can't do that anymore. It's not fair. And everyone lied to me for so fucking long because they thought I was a little kid who couldn't handle the truth, right? I just- nothing my dad or my mom has said can answer everything. I still don't know why Nagi thought that lying for that long wouldn't raise suspicion. I want her back. I want- I don't know what I want."
Kohane was still quiet for another few minutes before she began to speak again. "I... honestly, I don't know how hard that is. But I think if you need time to process it, you can have all the time in the world." And then she kissed An on the forehead (at least that was what she thought that was) and neither of them mentioned it because it felt natural enough.
Comfort. Something she hadn't been able to find in the words everyone had been saying to her ever since she'd found out. And now it was here, holding her so tightly she thought she might just be okay. "I'm sort of hungry."
"Have you had breakfast?"
An shook her head.
"Your parents are at work," Kohane informed her. "I don't exactly know the way around your kitchen so-"
"It's okay. I'll... I'll try to get my own food."
Kohane held her hand all the way down the hall and didn't make any sort of comment when she grabbed some highly unhealthy pre-packaged thing that only theoretically contained vitamins and then asked for a cup of tea. An had to fight back the tears when she did drink it but Kohane was sitting right there with her, listening to what she had to say and allowing her to feel everything and nothing at once.
They spent most of the day like that. An gave up on talking about anything after half an hour or so, opting instead to ask Kohane to ramble about literally anything she wanted.
"... and that's how Minori-chan managed to accidentally steal three bags of vegetables from the mall," Kohane explained. It was the fifth story she'd told that afternoon; they'd had lunch at her request but An hadn't known if she'd wanted it and had only eaten it because Kohane seemed worried about her. "Hey. Are you... is there anything I can do?"
"I just... don't want to be alone."
Kohane nodded. "I can ask about staying over tonight if you think that would help."
"Please. I... only if it doesn't get in the way-"
"It doesn't."
There was a knock on the door. "Mom's not normally home this early."
"I may have told Shinonome-kun and Aoyagi-kun about you needing to stay home," Kohane said. "And they sounded a bit worried, so they said that they'd even skip club activities and-"
Then, the doorbell rung. An watched as Kohane went to go and show their friends around; she tried to stand up herself, but her legs refused to move. Everything felt wrong.
Kohane returned to her original spot, wrapped her arms around An again, and then Akito and Toya sat down on the couch as well. The three of them started a conversation about something that An wasn't following, and though she still felt like she didn't deserve this, didn't deserve any of it, the burden on her heart seemed to get just a little bit lighter. Eventually the exhaustion she carried with her (for she'd spent too many hours awake the night before, her tears refusing to dry up) took over, and she was napping on Kohane's shoulder, her hair done in two neat braids.
When she woke up, Kohane and Akito were doing their best to figure out where the ingredients for some easy-to-prepare meal were, and Toya was the only one on the couch with her. He was reading a book of his own volition, for fun, when An managed to find something to say. "Hi."
"How was your nap?"
"It was okay." Why did talking feel so weird? An was a social person. This really ought to-
"I understand you're not doing well at the moment," Toya said. "Azusawa said she sent Akito to buy ice cream a few minutes ago. She's trying to make ramen for the four of us right now. If you have anything you want to talk about, I'm here."
"Can I have a hug?"
Toya seemed a little surprised by this (did she really sound that desperate?) but did allow her thirty seconds of contact. An didn't want to look clingy, but she found herself thinking that it would just be better to stay right next to him because she did not want to feel as if she'd been left alone with her thoughts. That was much worse than having to explain that she just wanted to be hugged.
It only took him about two minutes to start reading the book out loud, beginning with the fifth chapter; going back would take too long. An listened to each and every word and pieced together some of the plot. It seemed to be a mystery novel.
Akito did not joke about her wanting to steal his partner (he meant lover. He had always meant lover) when he got back from his ice cream errand. Instead he went back to helping Kohane with the ramen. An barely had the energy to say hello to him.
What was wrong with her?
She was upset. She'd cried for hours over this. She wanted to scream in rage for eons. Yet she felt... strangely numb. Unaffected, almost, if that was even possible.
"Shiraishi," Toya said, quietly, as if it would disturb Kohane and Akito to hear it, "just so you know, prominent psychological research suggests that numbness is a common part of the grieving process. Whatever you are feeling, it is completely valid."
"I just want to sing with Nagi-san."
Toya hugged her again. "If we sung for you, would that make it worse?"
"I... don't know. I know I want to sing at some point but I- can I?"
"If that is what you want, then yes. We'll always be here."
"You won't, though. Everyone's going to die at some point." The thought did scare her half to death. She couldn't lose anyone else. She just-
"I promise that we'll always be here for you. None of us are planning on that, and besides, even if the worst happened, we'd be there in spirit."
(An hadn't thought that Toya was the religious type.)
"Okay."
"This may sound odd, but would it be alright if Akito and I stayed over tonight as well? It seems as if you need some friends around."
An fell asleep again shortly after that. She did want them to stay, and she managed to say as much, but when she wasn't awake, her mind seemed to be more at ease, and so it liked to bring her back into the depths of rest quite frequently.
Ten minutes later she was awake for supper and Kohane was holding her again and maybe this was worth it because she was feeling a little better. Toya and Akito started up some karaoke thing and the three of them took turns singing; usually at least one person would be on the couch for An to lean on for support and she felt awful about needing them like this but she felt so much better when they were around and so she let it happen.
Kohane and Toya did some excellent duet that she sung along with, and though Akito had previously been known to resist getting hugged unless it was by Toya, he'd caved because Kohane had told him that they were a team and team members had to support each other, so An had someone to lean on while she tried to focus on her voice.
An closed her eyes, not to sleep, but to immerse herself in the melody and forget about everything. She still had three people in the room who would remind her of what was real, but for one second, she let go of all technique and worry and fear and grief and sang.
It was difficult. Three lines felt like an impossible task and yet she tried.
The song ended.
Kohane was smiling at her.
Her father was standing in the doorway, now having realized the scope of how An was dealing with all the information she couldn't have possibly been expected to process on her own.
But then Kohane and Toya joined in on the group hug and though it felt a little wrong, An was able to smile for the first time in over twenty-four hours. A few songs later, she stood up and sang a duet with Kohane. Then one with everyone and finally she tried a solo piece.
Her voice faltered several times. But she did not begrudge it for such a little failure, instead choosing to soar despite the flaws.
This was what Nagi would have wanted. Maybe not in this way, exactly – An was only dancing in her living room in pajamas with her friends – but it was still one step closer than she'd been yesterday. And that was progress. While she was sure that this journey wasn't going to be fun, she would have them all by her side, and that might just make it easier.
An went to bed that night with Kohane in her arms and Akito and Toya curled up together on the floor. When she woke up from a dream that left her crying, she allowed herself yet another moment of weakness and held Kohane closer than before.
In the morning, she managed to get dressed for school. She found some reserve of strength within herself that was sufficient to get her through the day, and class by class, she found little reasons why she could walk this path. Mizuki hugged her with all the affectionate force in the world and offered to sit with her at lunch; Kohane called her to make sure everything was alright and even brought eight of her friends to help – An recognized Minori, Haruka, Shizuku, and Shiho, but some of the other names failed her; and Kamishiro-senpai and Tenma-senpai only did something against school rules that they cleaned up themselves and which was much less chaotic than normal.
They substituted practice in favour of karaoke again and went out for dinner instead of eating leftover ramen. An did her homework with more than a little help from Kohane and Toya and once again they all stayed the night.
(She wondered if they could all rent an apartment together to cut costs later when they all graduated high school. Akito would probably say no on account of Toya needing space to himself, which was fine.)
"I didn't know you made pancakes," An said the next morning as she made her way into the kitchen. Akito stood in front of the stove, a large bowl of pancake batter next to him. Kohane had already woken up and was halfway done with her plate. She waved.
He frowned. "I'm not dependent on cafes."
Kohane cleared her throat. "Shinonome-kun found your dad's personal recipe book while looking for chocolate chips this morning."
"Thought you said that was a secret, shrimp," Akito muttered, which got him an elbow to the back from An as she passed him on her way to get a glass from the cupboard. "Hey!"
"Don't call my partner a shrimp!"
"Should I call her a hamster instead?"
"Kohane, should Akito get to call you a hamster?"
"An-chan, I don't mind being called either of those things. It's not like Shinonome-kun means to insult me anymore." Kohane stood up and put her dishes in the sink. "Did you get your math homework done last night?"
"I might have called Mizuki for help with it..."
Kohane seemed a little disappointed. "An-chan, you have to do your work on your own."
"Akito had Toya write an essay for him once!"
The Exasperated Hamster Expression was then directed at Akito. "Is that true, Shinonome-kun?"
"He doesn't know I submitted it!"
"You'd be expelled from any university if you got found out," she warned.
"Akito, you submitted something I wrote for you as your own work?" Toya asked, and then Akito had the ire of two honour-level students directed solely at him. He managed to cook the last five pancakes before they started to bombard him with questions about it – which essay was this? How important of an assignment was it? An found the whole situation quite funny but refrained from laughing because Kohane could just as easily be frustrated with her lack of academic integrity right now.
She wished she could freeze this moment in time so she could remember it when the crushing grief inevitably came back.
Instead she finished her pancakes as Toya messed with Akito's hair as 'revenge' before insisting that they would be having a talk about the plagiarism thing later and he wouldn't be able to get out of it by going to work or attending club activities.
Kohane kissed her on the cheek before she headed off for school and though there was still a weight in the back of her mind, An felt as if she was lighter than air for the five seconds she had between that gesture and Akito making a comment about how much of a hopeless romantic she was as Kohane made her way towards the train station.
Oh, well. He was just as down bad for Toya as she was for Kohane and she made sure to remind him of that as they made their way to school as well.
"Shall we try practice today?"
An shrugged. "Only if we're not out on the street. I still can't deal with all the people telling me they're sorry for something they could have chosen not to do."
"See, that's why we're here," Akito cut in. "We're your bodyguards."
"You literally asked Toya to get the spider for you yesterday."
"Can you shut up?"
"Only if you stop being mean to Kohane!"
"She literally said that I'm not trying to be mean to-"
"Well, I see it as you insulting her honour."
"Wow."
"Akito, please refrain from continuing to pick fights with Shiraishi while we are at school," Toya said as they walked through the gate. "See you at lunch."
"On the rooftop?" An asked.
Toya nodded, then dragged Akito to the library to talk about plagiarism before class started. An headed up to her class though she would've loved to see Akito reluctantly admit that he'd messed up.
Today was a new day. It would hopefully be much easier than yesterday and the days before that. An could not ask for more.
Then her biology teacher announced what illness they would be studying as a class and An could not stop herself from crying once again.
Mizuki was there, though.
Maybe this wasn't going to be as hard as she'd thought.