Archive of Our Own

1.

“Sorry we’re late,” the man standing at the door had a soft voice. He looked absent-minded, words tumbling out, giving a tone of insincerity in his apology. He was wearing a pair of old and scuffed jeans, a disheveled navy green jacket, and a deep blue baseball cap. His jacket was wet, and the hair peeping out from under the cap was still dripping water. Steve’s eyes moved to the left side of the man. Standing next to his thigh was the six-year-old girl. Her pants were wetter than her top; water quickly forming a little puddle around her foot.

“Mr. Barnes?” asked Steve.

The man lowered his head to look at the little girl he’d brought and nodded. “Alicia, this is… uh…”

“Dr. Steve Rogers.” Steve walked to them and half stooped before the little girl, looking at her pale blue eyes. “Hello, Alicia. It’s raining heavily outside, there must be a lot of cars on the road, that’s why you’re late, am I right? It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

The little girl pursed her lips and stared at Steve with an empty expression. Her sight stopped at Steve’s eyes, fixed on them, yet not exactly looking at him. Steve smiled at the little girl; she took half a step back, shifting her head, avoiding his eyes. She grabbed the corner of her top nervously and looked up at the man next to her.

Steve waited for a while. Seeing the girl wasn’t going to have any communications with him, he stood up again. He’d seen cases like Alicia Barnes; was familiar with such cases. It wasn’t going to be easy to deal with a child with mild autism.

Alicia wasn’t Steve’s patient. Unlike treatment and therapy, Steve was given the responsibility of evaluating the little girl’s personality and her relationship with her parents. The evaluation should provide as a basis for the judge to rule among the two parents, who should have custody of the little girl.

Steve had never done anything of such for the court before. He’d tried to reject his best friend, Natasha Romanov’s referral, but Natasha was extremely good at persuasion. For a special case like Alicia Barnes, Steve had thought a psychiatrist who could make house calls would be a better choice. The best he could do was make a half day for visiting after the first assessment. Would the child’s parents even agree to that?

The truth was, just the fact the little girl’s parents had chosen to let her come to the clinic for evaluation was enough to evoke an opinion from Steve. Seeing how Mr. Barnes had neglected to put a raincoat on the child on a rainy day, and even forgot the doctor’s name upon entering the clinic, it was difficult for Steve to have any good impression of the man.

It was natural for a couple to end their relationship and go their separate ways; but that rarely brings any positive effect on their children. The situation can very well be worsened by the fight for custody, Steve couldn’t help but wonder how trustworthy the parents were. He would try to maintain an objective perspective on his job, but there’s no way he could be unaffected by what he’d seen.

“It says here on the record that her mother should be here today?”

“Yeah, but her mother’s flight has been delayed. She can’t make it back to New York, thus the last minute change,” said Barnes as he surveyed Steve’s counseling room from the ceiling to the floor, not looking at Steve even once.

Steve tried not to show his displeasure. “Take off your wet coats. You can hang them by the door. I’ll go get you two towels to dry yourselves.”

Barnes took off his baseball cap and jacket, then he stooped down to help Alicia take off her coat. He squeezed out the water from her pants bottom; efficiently and very skilled. Other than the little girl’s clothes, he deliberately didn’t touch her. The man’s action might not be very gentle, but Alicia didn’t seem to protest. She stood there quietly, moving back and forth as the man took off her sky blue colored coat. Steve went to the bathroom, took two clean towels, returned to the counseling room and gave the towels to Barnes. Barnes gave one of them to Alicia. She took the towel carefully and rubbed it against her wet top clumsily. Barnes just stood by and watched her, but not offering to help.

“Uh, Dr. Rogers… I’m not familiar with your procedure, like, do I have to do anything?”

“You don’t have to do anything. You can stay here for the first half an hour. I’ll ask questions. It’s just like chatting. For the next half an hour, I need to be alone with Alicia and see how it goes. Only if Alicia is comfortable enough to agree, of course,” Steve looked at the little girl again. She didn’t have any reaction when Steve mentioned her name.

Barnes lowered his head to glance at the little girl and nodded. Steve guided them to the couch in the room and motioned them to sit down. Barnes sat on the edge of the couch that was closest to the exit; Alicia sat down next to him, slightly nervous with the unfamiliar environment. They were two meters away from Steve’s single couch. Steve had no choice but sit down in the middle of the long couch; not too far away from the little girl. He turned on the recorder on the coffee table.

“Alicia, have your parents told you what’s going on right now? Did they tell you why you’re here?” Steve watched the little girl’s every move carefully.

After a moment, Alicia nodded lightly. “Divorce.” That was the first word she said since entering the door. And to Steve’s surprise, it was a word used only by adults.

“Do you know what it means when mom and dad are getting a ‘divorce’?” Steve asked again.

This time, Alicia only nodded; not answering.

“Your parents are going to live separately. We need to decide if it would better for you to live with your father or with your mother.”

“With Bucky.” said Alicia softly.

Steve quirked his brow and lifted his head to look at Barnes.

“We talked about it, Alicia. You can’t live with me. My apartment isn’t big enough and it’s too far away from the school you’re going to.”

“Bucky lives with me,” Alicia said again.

“Can’t always live with you,” Barnes sighed.

Steve listened to their conversation and arched his brows. “You’re not her father, Chris Barnes?”

Barnes froze for a while. He looked at Steve in the eyes for the first time. His greyish blue eyes and his dark brown hair were the same as Alicia’s. Any one would think they were father and daughter just by the looks.

“Chris is her mother. Christine Barnes. Alicia takes her mother’s last name. That’s my sister. Her father is Jessie Trott.”

A wave of anger welled within Steve. They were late for the first appointment; understandable given the weather condition, but the person who brought the child over for evaluation wasn’t even her future legal guardian. That was absolutely ridiculous. He paused the recorder. As gently as possible, he said to Alicia, “Alicia, I need to speak with your uncle in private, can you stay here alone? Or I can ask nurse Lydia to come in and stay with you.” Steve took out the boxes of toys from under the coffee table, and some blank papers and a barrel of color pencils. He put everything before Alicia and asked, “Is there anything you like? If there isn’t, I can get other fun stuffs for you to play with.”

Alicia was silent for a while, examining the toys before her. Steve waited patiently, observing how long the little girl’s gaze lingered on each item. He noticed she liked anything blue—the same color as her coat.

Barnes suddenly picked out a blue-colored pencil from the pen holder. Fingers spread, palm up, he put his hand in front of Alicia. “Here, Alicia. You stay here for a while. I’ll be right back after speaking with the doctor.”

Alicia took the pencil from Barnes’ palm, carefully holding the pencil with two fingers, not touching Barnes’ palm.

Steve stood up, walked around the coffee table toward the door. Barnes followed him. When they came to the corridor, Steve asked Lydia Green, the nurse on duty, to keep an eye on Alicia. He then led Barnes to his office. Steve unleashed his anger the moment he stepped inside the room.

“Listen, I don’t know if you understand your sister’s situation, but from the information I have, Alicia’s parents are getting a divorce. One parent doesn’t want her custody, but is after the child support payment; while the other parent doesn’t have the time to taking care of her because of the job. Maybe I didn’t get it right who’s who in the first place, but from what I see, if your sister can’t even make the time to bring her daughter over for evaluation—”

“You listen, Doc. That son of a bitch Jessie can’t take Alicia away. I can’t judge who’s right who’s wrong between him and Chris, but that guy can’t even take care of himself, let alone help Alicia get use to a new environment now that he’s moving to Florida. My sister is Alicia’s only parent. Unfortunately, she’s a pilot, not a homemaker; she can’t just stay home with her anytime. But Chris is trying her best. They’ve already decided on Alicia’s custody, but her husband’s an asshole, and his attorney made new demands just for money. Anyway, we’ve got Alicia a professional nanny, we’ve made arrangements with a special school. We won’t neglect taking care of her. I don’t care what doctor you are or where you come from, but if you suggest the court to grant Jessie Alicia’s custody because my sister is absent today for objective reasons, I ain’t gonna be nice—” His tone got darker and darker with each sentence. His voice was still soft, but full of threat. For the first time since Barnes got here, he’s giving Steve his full attention.

If he thought Steve would be scared, he was in for disappointment. “What would you do? I don’t make my judgement base on anything irrelevant. The child’s benefits are put into consideration for all evaluations; to give her the most suitable environment is the most important thing here. Your threats have no effect on me, Mr. Barnes.”

“So you know what the most suitable environment is? You know shit, you—” Barnes’ anger was in full blast.

All of a sudden a loud crash came from the corridor and gave Steve a fright. One of the construction workers working on the hospital’s renovation had probably knocked on something again. By the time he’d regained his composure, the man standing in his office was already lying on his stomach on the floor.

“Mr. Barnes—”

Barnes was down on the floor, looking at the door. After a few seconds, he jumped up, face white, and ran out to the corridor. Steve followed right behind him; he finally realized the fact that this guy was a vet! Steve should have had noticed the signs. From how he stood to how he’d surveyed his surroundings; these should have had been enough for Steve to notice the subtle unusual behaviors. But Steve’s attention was on Alicia; he’d ignored Barnes completely after learning Barnes wasn’t Alicia’s father.

Steve dashed out of the office and saw Barnes darting into the consulting room. By the time he rushed in there, Barnes and Alicia weren’t anywhere near the couch. They were kneeling face to face at one side of Steve’s desk; two shadows close to each other, but not touching. They looked pale, breathing shallowly. Barnes was mumbling something. Behind Steve was nurse Lydia who’d followed him into the office. Steve shushed her with a gesture, telling her everything was fine; emergency lifted.

The nurse left obediently, and Steve closed the door behind him. He walked to Barnes and Alicia, and sat down next to them very slowly with his legs crossed. He could now hear what Barnes was mumbling. It was a nursery rhyme he’d never heard before. Alicia’s mouth opened and closed, as if reciting the same words in silence. Steve listened for a few lines and began to repeat them for Barnes. Barnes became quiet; chest rising and falling.

“Deep breath…” said Steve softly between the rhyme. “In… Out…”

The three of them remained quiet for a stretch of time. Alicia was the first one to calm down. The little girl raised her arm and touched the back of Barnes’ hand on his knee. Barnes’ body froze. Very carefully, he didn’t avoid her touch. The two of them completed their brief contact and interaction; finished comforting each other. It seemed like they were used to the gesture.

Alicia stood up, walked around Steve and returned to the couch. She picked up the blue color pencil and continued to color the paper that was already covered in blue. Barnes stayed where he was, leaning on the side of Steve’s desk. He sagged his body. “Before you say anything, I’m not always like this. I’m capable of taking care of Alicia, that’s why Chris asked me. Please don’t judge my sister because of this incident with me.”

Steve nodded his approval. He understood Barnes’ initial reaction to the loud noise. The man just wanted to make sure Alicia wasn’t scared. It had proved that he wasn’t incapable; just terrified and worried. For Alicia, her uncle wasn’t a threat to her safety. Quite the opposite, he was a reliable adult.

“How long have you been back?” Steve asked instead.

Just when Steve thought the man wasn’t going to answer the question, Barnes quietly opened his mouth. “One year and three months,”

Steve nodded. “Alicia was about five when you come back.”

“I was there at the hospital when my sister delivered, went out before Alicia was two. My sister was really nervous that day when she was giving birth. Being a pilot means a lot to her. Having a child would have a huge impact on her flying career, but she insisted on having the baby. She never regrets that… Chris loves Alicia very much.”

Steve nodded. “Mr. Barnes, I won’t judge your sister because of her profession, or her one-time absence. But I also won’t change my mind just because you told me a touching story. Like I said, I have my professional principles. I present my evaluations to the court based on my considerations for the child’s development. I need to understand Alicia’s personality, her living habits, how she interacts with her parents and other people. It’s definitely a bad start your sister can’t make it for the first interview, but Alicia’s father failed to come on her behalf; he isn’t getting any extra points. I need to see both of them to give my own judgement. In fact, you might have helped your sister. From what I see, it’s an accomplishment to build such a connection with a mildly autistic child in less than two years. If you could be a regular presence in Alicia’s life, it’d be good for her. She even said she wanted to live with you just now.”

Barnes seemed a little embarrassed. He looked away and turned his attention to his little niece. “Probably because we’re easily scared… After coming back from my second tour… I don’t think I have to explain PTSD to you, right, Doc?”

There was a tinge of mockery in Barnes’ tone, but Steve could tell it wasn’t directed at him because he was a shrink. It was directed at Barnes himself. “Have you been to any group meeting? I know several counsellors at the VA. They’re really good and they give free counseling—”

“I don’t think that’d help.”

Steve nodded. He fully understood how it was when a soldier returned. “Sometimes it’s good to have more friends, but anyway, it’s totally up to you. I still don’t know your name. Alicia calls you Bucky?”

“She learned that from her mother. James. I’m James,” Barnes paused. “Or you can call me Bucky, too. Been in the army, Doc?”

Steve was surprised. He didn’t think Barnes would notice that. “I was in the military.”

“Came back to college?”

“I was injured. Never went out again after that. In college for five years, worked at the VA, came here under a friend’s reference. I majored in Children’s Psychology. It was tough finding a job at first, but I lucked out and got this opportunity.” Steve paused. “From what I get from you, you were shifted out more than once?”

“Three and a half years for the first tour. Came back for two and half years. Another round for two years.”

“Are you working now?”

Barnes seemed to evade the question. He lowered his head and looked at his watch. “Enough about me. There’s still half an hour left… I don’t wanna screw up the evaluation.”

“It’s fine,” shrugged Steve. “You’re the last appointment for the day. It’s all right to extend the hour a little. The hospital is renovating; we’re getting two new activity rooms. I’m sorry about the loud crash just now.”

“It’s okay. Alicia wasn’t especially scared. We just taught her how to protect herself. Hide when you hear noises.”

They stood up from the floor and went back to the couch. Steve turned on the recorder and began to try and communicate with Alicia. Most of the time, Steve asked different questions; Alicia hardly spoke. Barnes sat next to the little girl, very quiet, too, only answering some basic questions regarding Alicia when Steve asked him directly.

Barnes knew Alicia’s bedtime and what time she woke up in the morning. He knew everything about her routine and the things she liked.

That was a good thing; also an indication of something not so good. The good thing was, it meant at least one person in the family was genuinely concerned about Alicia and taking care of her; but it also implied the little girl’s parents didn’t seem to be concerned that much in comparison. But Steve wouldn’t make any conclusion before he actually meet Alicia’s parents.

After half an hour, Steve asked Barnes to leave the room and wait outside so that he could spend some time with Alicia alone. Alicia wasn’t a serious case of autism; she seemed to understand most of Steve’s questions. Although she hardly responded with words, Steve could see, in her eyes, the level of comprehension that was beyond her age.

Without Barnes around, the little girl was more alert; she wouldn’t let Steve get near her within one meter. If Steve shifted closer, she would move to the other side. She wasn’t aggressive, but she also wasn’t welcoming. Steve gave up trying and kept a distance; but he still talked to the little girl in a relaxed manner.

Thirty minutes later, Steve turned off the recorder. The little girl noticed immediately the conversation was over. She put the blue pencil back into the pen holder. The paper was filled with different shades of blue.

“Bucky,” the little girl spoke voluntarily for the first time.

“Yeah, let me get Bucky,” Steve nodded.

When Steve opened the door, Barnes was already standing outside the door nervously. Alicia followed behind Steve. Barnes sighed in relieve. “Alicia, are you okay?”

The little girl didn’t answer. She turned around and tried to pull her light blue coat down from the hanger.

Steve helped her took down her coat. “Alicia’s fine, but I still need to see her parents. I think I might change my plan. Let her parents come here together once, and an individual house call for each of them. I’ll contact your sister and Mr. Trott to discuss the time.”

“Best not…” said Barnes. “I mean… Don’t let them come here at the same time. Alicia gets upset when they fight.”

“Is that so?” Steve turned and found the little girl standing next to him, staring at him unblinkingly, as if she understood what they were talking about. “Okay, I’ll give it some thought.”

“Thank you, Doc. I’m… I’m really sorry for what happened earlier.”

“Don’t be, and plus, I’m sorry, too.” Steve watched Bucky took down his coat and noticed it was still damp. “How did you get here? The subway?”

“Yeah. My car broke down, unfortunately. It’s still in the shop. We were running late when we left the apartment, and the traffic was stuck, so we took the subway. Didn’t expect the rain when we left the station.” Barnes explained.

“It’s still raining outside. I can give you guys a ride.” Steve offered.

Barnes looked at him again, hesitant. He finally replied, “It’s fine. We can get a cab home.”

“At least take my umbrella,” Steve took his umbrella from the coat stand and gave it to Barnes.

“Thank you.” Once again, Barnes said to Alicia, “Alicia, say thank you to the doctor.”

Alicia was earnest and attentive when she stared at Steve’s face. “You’re a good doctor. You don’t give needles.”

Steve smiled. “Indeed I don’t give needles. Goodbye, Alicia.”

Barnes pulled Alicia’s collar gently. The little girl turned around and left with the man. It seemed they weren’t used to touching; they didn’t hold hands. But Steve could see the invisible connection between them. The little girl wouldn’t leave her uncle’s side; Barnes wouldn’t let anything happen to the little girl. They were an odd combination, yet they were also extremely compatible.

2.

Steve tried to arrange for an appointment with Alicia’s parents to visit, but they’d yet to confirm. The second time he met Alicia, it was outside the clinic.

Steve was heading home that day after his morning run and he recognized the Barnes and Alicia from afar. An adult and a kid; just the two of them. The tall man walked deliberately slow so that the little girl can keep up with him without holding hands. They were taking a walk in the park.

“Mr. Barnes!” Steve quickened his steps to catch up with them. Barnes stopped at his tracks and turned around.

“Hello, Alicia,” Steve smiled as he greeted the girl.

She looked shocked though, and stepped back a couple of steps to hide behind Barnes.

Steve stopped mid-step, looking at her guardian confusedly. Barnes seemed hesitant. “Hello, Doc.”

“We’re not at the hospital. Call me Steve. Can I call you Bucky?” asked Steve amiably.

Alicia poked her head out from behind Bucky’s legs when she heard his name. “Steve.” She repeated.

Steve nodded. “Do you remember? You don’t have to hide from me.” And Alicia shrunk back again

“Um… You live around here?” Bucky changed the subject suddenly.

“Yeah, I come here for my run every day. I’ve never seen you before.”

“We don’t… come out often. I read from the books recently that it’s good to go out more; and she’s going to school in a few months.”

“It’s always good to come out more if Alicia doesn’t think it’s too much for her,” said Steve. “Are her parents home?” Steve realized, before he’d even finished the sentence, “parents” was the reason for the little girl’s anxiety. Steve frowned.

Bucky seemed to notice that too. He replied promptly, “Chris is coming home tomorrow. She’s off entirely next week. She can set up an appointment with you for you to visit any time next week.”

Steve nodded. “It’s fine. If your attorneys are still in disagreement, and the court doesn’t come after me for the report; I’m not in a hurry. It’s just a mental assessment, not therapy. We don’t require a specific time.”

Bucky sighed in relieve. “That’s good to know. But she’ll contact you when she gets back. Don’t worry about it. I think Alicia thought you might get mad if her parents couldn’t set an appointment with you.”

“Is that so? No, I won’t get mad,” said Steve to Alicia. The little girl was evidently more relaxed. Steve was once again astounded by her ability to understand. “She’s a really sensible kid.”

“Yeah,” replied Bucky.

“What about you? How’s it been for you?”

“Me? I’m good, thanks.”

“Coming back from the war takes some time to adjust. It’s normal.”

“It’s been a year. I’m quite used to it.”

Steve didn’t expose the perfunctory tone. They said goodbye.

Within the next two weeks after that, Steve saw Bucky and Alicia frequently. He would sometimes run in the park after dinner and he would exchange a few words with Bucky both in the morning and in the evening.

Steve was impressed with Bucky’s care for Alicia, but with other people, the brunet was polite yet aloof, keeping a distance. For some reason, it made Steve wanted to talk to him more and understand him better.

Bucky might have been a stranger Steve acquainted by accident, but as a fellow vet, Steve was always more concerned about other soldiers. One morning, Steve saw Bucky and Alicia again. Seized by a whim, Steve said to Bucky, “Hey, I remember I’m meeting two buddies at Ruth’s this Friday evening to play pool, wanna join us? They’re also vets. We can play two against two if you come. I might consider having you on my team if you’re any good.”

“Thanks, but no.” Bucky’s tone was cold. The little girl walking next to him seemed to notice the change in him and shifted closer to her uncle. Bucky lowered his arm and touched her shoulder with his index finger ever so slightly. They remained like that. Touching but barely.

“We’re just one man short. Don’t read too much into that,” said Steve deliberately. “Well, what do you say?”

Bucky considered for a while moment and changed his mind. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “So you’re seriously asking me out, not trying to get me in a session?”

For the first time, Steve noticed Bucky’s good-looking features. He was charming when he smiled. His attitude toward Steve suddenly made him become aware of the possibility of something else.

“Uh… Of course,” Steve replied. A little embarrassed. His heartbeat had just went back to normal after exercising; but now it’s thumping hard again. “You can come if you’re free. It will be fun, I promise.” He pulled out his cell phone and looked at the time. “I’m running late. Talk to you soon.”

Steve felt as though he was running away when he said goodbye to them.

It’s been two years since he’d last been in a relationship. Steve’s ex-boyfriends all started out as friends; they were familiar with each other. But this time, out of nowhere, he had this odd feeling about a stranger. Steve couldn’t forget Bucky and Alicia.

If Bucky had the same orientation as him… Steve imagined the possibility of going after him.

3.

Soon enough, Friday arrived. Steve went to the bar to meet his buddies, Sam Wilson and Clint Barton. He waited for Bucky to show up nervously, looking forward to seeing him, but at the same time, he was worried if Bucky did come, the atmosphere would get weird. Sam noticed Steve unprecedented anxiety, and Steve had to explain how he’d invited Bucky absentmindedly.

“To be honest, I’m just kinda worried about him, that’s all.”

“Or maybe you like him a little,” sneered Sam.

“What the hell are you—”

“Oh my god, Steve really likes the guy. Now I wanna see who this mystery man is,” teased Clint.

“I just find him different.”

“You’re charmed.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “I’ve only seen him a few times. Moreover, he’s a parent. I can’t have any personal interaction with this guy, or else his sister’s divorce case would become a disaster in court.”

“But you still asked him out.”

“I just want him to meet Sam. I think he needs counseling, that’s all.”

“So is he coming or not?”

“I don’t know.” Steve replied.

His best friends finally let him off and stopped asking him about Bucky. The truth was, apart from the unexplainable feelings, Steve knew nothing about the man neither.

After glancing at the entrance of the bar every now and then for an hour, Steve was beginning to give up hope, when Bucky suddenly appeared. He was still dressed casually, but this time he was wearing a fitted leather jacket; his hair seemed newly cut, giving him a fresh look. Steve liked it very much.

“Bucky, over here!”

Bucky walked to them, a little uneasy. He greeted Sam and Clint.

Sam was the most easy-going person Steve had ever known. With him around, the sudden addition of a stranger had no effect to the atmosphere; it became relaxed very quickly. Bucky didn’t seem comfortable with loud and lively scenes; always checking the surrounding carefully. But every once in a while, a smile would appear on his face and Steve would feel an indescribable sense of accomplishment. It only made him aware of his increasing attraction to Bucky.

The four of them had a great time. Steve and Bucky were a team, playing against Sam and Clint at the pool table. It was a draw. Two to two. They decided to have another game some other day. Sam and Clint were going the same way home; they left together, leaving Steve to pick up the check at the counter. There was some technical issues with the reader and Steve was held up a bit. By the time he turned around, he found Bucky on the other side of the bar, in a stand-off with someone.

Steve hurried over. He could hear the man standing before Bucky hurling insults at him. The man lifted a finger and started to jab Bucky’s chest. Steve knew something was going to go wrong.

Bucky was too fast. Steve didn’t even see him take out his hands from his pockets and he’d already twisted the guy’s wrist and pushed his face down on a square table. The bar was instantaneously in a chaos. Several men charged at Bucky at the same time, but none of them was Bucky’s opponent. They were quickly dispatched to the floor. Steve hurried over and locked Bucky’s arms. It was then that he noticed Bucky’s expression had changed completely. Before he could react, Bucky punched him hard at his chin.

Steve stumbled backward, but remained standing. “Bucky, it’s me. Steve—” The training in the army allowed Steve to block Bucky’s fist. He caught Bucky’s wrist and pushed him backward. They stepped back a few steps before Bucky was finally startled. His pupils contracted slightly, as if trying to identify Steve’s face.

Steve put up his hands immediately. “Bucky, it’s okay. It’s me. Steve. You’re in New York. Let’s go home…”

Bucky finally came back to reality from some nightmare that Steve can only imagine. He took a deep breath and gave the surrounding a glance through before looking back at Steve again. He looked miserable. He dropped his head and headed out. Those who had been beaten to the ground dared not stop him. Steve was right behind his heels.

Outside the bar, Steve almost lost Bucky when the brunet turned into an alley. When Steve caught up with him, he saw Bucky sitting on the sidewalk; elbows on his knees, hands covering his face. Steve walked over and sat down next to Bucky.

They sat there in silence for a long moment when Bucky finally said, “Why are you still here?”

Steve didn’t know why. He just didn’t want to leave Bucky alone out here. “Are you feeling better?” He asked instead.

Bucky put down his hands, turned and looked at Steve. “I punched you…”

Steve felt his chin. It hurt a little. “Oh, it’s okay. You didn’t mean it. I got punched all the time when I was a kid; this is nothing.”

Bucky gazed at him, as if looking at something strange.

But Steve thought Bucky needed some comfort. He reached out his hand slowly; Bucky’s eyes followed the moment of his fingers. “May I?” asked Steve.

“I’m not Alicia,”said Bucky as he turned his palm over and held Steve’s hand. Their palms touched. Bucky’s hand was cold. Steve squeezed gently, hoping to convey his feelings. What happened wasn’t Bucky’s fault. War had a profound effect on soldiers. Steve had seen far too many people eventually “sacrificed” in their homeland. They too, had given their lives for their country, but they would never receive any honor or recognition. Steve felt sorry for those soldiers. From Bucky’s interaction with Alicia alone, Steve could see the kind of man he was. Steve hoped Bucky could pick himself up, and he was willing to help him in whatever way he could.

With the passing of time, the air between them became increasingly awkward. Steve lifted his head carefully to glance at Bucky, but he couldn’t decipher his emotion.

Another moment went by before Bucky let go of his hand, stood up and said, “I have to go.”

“We’re going the same way.”

“I’m not going back to my sister’s.”

“Oh…” Steve sensed it was some kind of rejection. “I’m sorry for causing you trouble.”

“It wasn’t your fault. I’m the one who should apologize.”

“Some other day?” Steve asked with a hint of hope.

After a moment, Bucky replied, “Thanks for asking, but I think it’s not a good idea for me to go out. Please apologize to Sam and Clint on my behalf.”

When Bucky turned to leave, an immense feeling of loss welled within Steve.

4.

Before testifying for Alicia’s case, Steve saw Bucky again a couple of times when he was visiting Alicia at home; Bucky was always at his sister’s apartment. Alicia’s dependence on the Barnes siblings was evident. Her father Jessie wasn’t as terrible as Bucky had described, but he wasn’t quite suitable for taking care of the little girl either.

The relationship between Jessie and Chris was irreparable; they couldn’t even stop insulting each other when they were just having a regular conversation. Steve could feel Alicia’s upset when they mentioned each other’s name in their conversations. That was when she would choose to rely on her uncle Bucky.

Considering Alicia’s ability in adjusting to unfamiliar environments, Steve suggested in his report Alicia’s residence should remain the same, that is, Chris’ property in Brooklyn. Jessie, who was moving to Florida, didn’t possess the capacity to assist Alicia in adapting to a new environment.

Chris was given the custody of Alicia; Jessie could visit anytime. Considering Alicia’s condition, Chris had the authority to decide if Jessie could take Alicia to Florida for a temporary stay. Bucky was there on the day when they signed the divorce papers. After Jessie had left, Chris and Bucky came over to thank Steve.

Bucky looked like he wanted to say something else, but gave up eventually and left with his sister.

The next morning, Steve saw Bucky and Alicia during his morning run. As usual, they were walking very slowly, but this time something was different. Steve watched at a distance for some time before realizing what had changed.

Bucky was holding Alicia’s hand today.

“Bucky!” This time it was Alicia who turned her head first. Big blue-grey eyes shining as she watched Steve approaching them. The little girl seemed to be in a good mood. Steve couldn’t help but look at their hands that were holding together. Bucky lowered his head and shook Alicia’s arm gently.

“Say hello to the doctor,” said Bucky as usual.

Alicia stared at Steve’s eyes. Not talking as always.

“Hello, Alicia.”

The little girl nodded her reply.

Steve lifted his head and looked at Bucky. “When is her father leaving?”

“He’s flying this weekend,” replied Bucky.

“How’s your sister?”

“Probably more relaxed now that a burden has been lifted off her shoulder.”

“How about you?”

“I’m good, thank you.”

Steve lowered his head, not knowing what else he should say.

“I think I should apologize again for what happened at the bar previously,” said Bucky suddenly.

“It wasn’t a big deal.” Steve bit his lips and made his decision. “Bucky… So an accident happened when we went out last time, but all in all it was good, yeah? And maybe the way I asked you out wasn’t quite right, but I’d like to try again. Can I ask you out for a dinner?”

Bucky’s face was expressionless. Steve didn’t know what he was thinking about. After a while, Bucky replied, “Thanks for the invitation, but I’m really not used to the crowds.”

“I know some good places where there aren’t many people.”

“Steve—”

Defeated, Steve raised his hands and smiled at Bucky. “Okay, I understand. Sorry, but you can’t blame me for giving it a try. I guess I just really like you, I thought…” It’s difficult for him to keep smiling and tell the brunet what he felt. Not when he’d been rejected. “I’m sorry.”

“I really don’t get you… Steve, you’re a doctor… And…” Bucky gestured casually. “I don’t get to be with someone like you.”

“I don’t know you need qualifications for that.”

“Well. Probably being healthy? You’re right, I’m not exactly normal.”

“I never said that.” Argued Steve.

“Maybe not the same words, but the point is, my denial doesn’t mean I don’t know my own problem. I’m a big trouble, Steve.”

“Alicia doesn’t think so.”

The little girl raised her head and looked into Bucky’s eyes, gently squeezing Bucky’s palm with her thumb and index finger.

“I can’t control my temper, and when I lose control, I… I need a long time to recover. Who knows, it might get better, or might not… But you don’t need a trouble like me.”

“Maybe you need some channels to vent your emotions, maybe I could help you. You’ve met Sam. He’s a good listener. I also know a specialist in anger management, Dr. Bruce Banner. I can refer you to—” Steve realized he’s rumbling again. He shut his mouth, embarrassed. “I just wanted to help.”

“Thanks, but…” Bucky’s reply trailed off. He probably said that out of courtesy.

Steve felt awkward. Extremely so. In the end, he swallowed and said, “It’s getting late. I should go to work. I hope everything goes well for you. If you need anything, you can still come and find me.”

With that, he waved at Alicia and left the park.

Starting a relationship was never Steve’s forte. Because of his nice job at the clinic and his good look, he hardly got rejected.

He hoped he could accept the fact that Bucky didn’t want to be with him, but no matter how hard Steve tried to get on with his life, he just couldn’t get over him. Steve still find himself searching for Bucky and Alicia when he finished his morning runs in the park. He still hopes to see him and talk to him, even if just as a friend.

5.

But Bucky disappeared suddenly. He and Alicia stopped coming to the park in the morning. One day, Steve was working extra hours in the office until evening. He passed by the park on his way home and saw Chris Barnes taking a walk with her daughter.

“Say hi to the doctor,” Chris said to Alicia, like her elder brother.

“Bucky,” said Alicia to Steve.

Steve smiled warmly at Alicia. “Bucky’s not around today?”

“Bucky’s gone to New Jersey,” replied Chris. “Said there’s a good therapy course there.”

“Oh?” Steve raised his eye brow, surprised.

“Yeah. I was surprised, too. He was quite hostile to that kind of thing when he came back this time and I can’t make him do anything.”

“It’s tough. Some things can’t be rushed. I know a lot of soldiers, they need encouragement and support from their families and friends.”

“Well, I don’t think I’m a very good supporter. Our parents died years ago and Bucky was the one who took care of me. Now that it’s my turn, I’m a big failure.”

“Not a failure,” said Alicia suddenly.

The young mother put a hand over her mouth, speechless for a moment.

“Yeah, I think Alicia’s right.” Steve smiled warmly.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” Chris caressed Alicia’s cheek with the back of her hand. The little girl didn’t avoid her touch.

“Well, I hope everything is going good for you. Give Bucky my regards when he gets back.”

“Um… Doctor?” Steve only walked a couple of steps when Chris called him.

“Call me Steve. What is it?”

Chris bit her lips, considering, and finally said, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, though I must ask, what for?” Steve smiled.

“Bucky said you introduced him to some counseling or something…”

Steve was surprised. “Did he say that? I only told him a little about it. I was afraid he might find me meddlesome.”

“No, not at all. We’re very grateful to you.”

“That’s very kind of you.”

6.

Steve didn’t see Bucky again for another two months. Until one day, when he was about to leave, Bucky suddenly appeared outside the clinic. Bucky’s hair was shorter, but he was still wearing that same pair of old jeans and that jacket. He looked better though, from what Steve could see. At least he was smiling.

“Bucky?”

“Hiya, Steve.”

“What are you doing here? I met Chris last time and she said you’re in New Jersey.”

“Yeah, I went to Dr. Banner’s. He recommended the course. I mentioned your name to him, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not. I would have introduced you if you called me… You look good.”

Bucky nodded. “The course he recommended was really helpful. I’m here to say thank you.”

Steve lowered his head, a gentle smile on his face. “It was nothing. You don’t have to come all the way here.”

“I came here to ask if I could take you to dinner?”

Steve lifted his head in surprise. He looked at Bucky, confused. “You don't have to—”

“Steve… I…” Bucky hesitated before he went on. “I wasn’t in a good place when we first met. But you’re a nice guy, Steve… You gave me a chance. I was quite surprised, to be honest. I felt I should at least… give some effort. A friend previously recommended me a job at the police department, I said no. Said I had to look after the kid for my sister. Mostly it was because I wasn’t confident enough. But now that Alicia is going to school, I’m reconsidering the offer. I might send my resume.”

“That sounds great, Bucky. I’m really happy for you,” said Steve sincerely.

Bucky gazed into his eyes with earnest. “Thanks. So, if I’m not too late for this, would you have dinner with me?”

Steve couldn’t help but smile. “It’s not too late, and I haven’t change my mind. If you accept my previous invitation, maybe next time I’ll consider yours.”

Bucky curled the corners of his lips. He looked at Steve, leaned over suddenly, and pressed a kiss on the side of Steve’s lips. The contact was light and chaste, but it felt intimate. “Alicia said your eyes are beautiful, I think the kid got that right.”

Steve smiled, blushed a little. “Alicia just likes blue.”

“That also. But she’d never complimented anyone else before. There’s no one like you, Steve. You’re special.” Bucky said with certainty. “Alright, Cap, since you want me to accept your invitation first, where shall we go now?”

“Who told you that?”

“Dr. Banner. He said Sam and Clint call you Cap. I can tell you served before, but I didn’t know you were higher ranked than me.”

“I just got lucky,” Steve replied with a smile. “Come on. I know a really good place that it’s nice and quiet.”