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It was the perfect day to get married, it wasn’t too hot nor too cold, the sun shines directly on the altar, making it a picture perfect moment. Sumulyap ako kay Sunoo at ngumiti, Heeseung and Sunghoon were exchanging their vows and here I am hoping that this wedding would signal him to finally ask me. 11 years na rin naman kami, hindi na siguro biro ‘yun. All I wanted was to be happy for my best friend, but the ugly feeling of jealousy haunts me. Don’t get me wrong, masaya naman ako para kay Sunghoon, when he met Heeseung, all it took was 3 years before they decided to get married.
“Ang bilis naman,” I asked Sunghoon, he was busy looking at the coats, wanting to choose the best one, but we both knew that Heeseung would marry him kahit trash bag pa yung suot niya.
He shrugs, “Wala eh, When you know, you know.”
I remember the bitter feeling in my throat, the same exact feeling that I had right now. The afterparty was a blur and all I remember was Sunghoon looking at me with a hint of sadness and hugging me extra tight before Sunoo pulled me away.
“You looked serious kanina,” Sunoo says. Hindi ako sumagot, I had no energy. “Sabi ko naman sayo babe, mahal ni Hee si Hoon.” He chuckled.
“I know,” matipid na sagot ko. “Focus ka mag-drive.”
A frown made its way to his face, delicate features turning into a serious one. Alam ko naman na alam niya kung bakit ako ganito, sa labing-isang taon namin magkarelasyon, this was not the first wedding that we’ve been to and it won’t certainly be the last.
“If this is about the wedding, diba sabi ko naman sayo na–”
“Hindi ka pa ready?” I asked him, not meeting his eyes. “Alam ko naman.” I tried to fake a smile, hindi na sumagot si Sunoo. Sa tagal ba naman namin, I already know where this conversation will go, alam ko na ang isasagot niya, alam ko na pag-uwi namin sa condo, he’ll hug me tight, and whisper false promises.
“Jae… I love you.” I nodded, tumingin ako sa labas, I felt his hand on my knee. It used to be alright, dati kapag nakikita ko yung lungkot sa mga mata niya, kapag nakayakap na siya sa akin, unti-unting nawawala yung kirot, pero hindi ko alam ngayon, bakit parang higit pa yung sakit.
Tumingin ako kay Sunoo, he smiles at me, the same smile that I fell in love with in college. I was 18 then, 29 na ako ngayon, pa-trenta na, wala pa rin akong singsing, walang plano, hanggang kailan kaya kami ganito?
Ilang birthday, ilang new year, ilang pasko at hindi na mabilang na celebration, pati anniversary ng parents ko o birthday ng nanay niya, kami ang magkasama, kung nasaan si Sun, nandoon si Jae, minsan iniisip ko na baka sanay na lang kami sa isa’t-isa.
Everything was supposed to be alright by now, that jealousy, that bitter feeling was supposed to be gone by now. Isang buwan na mula ang kasal nila Sunghoon, and here I am, doubting everything. Mahal ko naman si Sunoo, that I am sure of, but I don’t know why it doesn’t feel right.
“Okay ka lang?” he asks, placing a kiss on my cheeks. “Tulala ka babe.”
“Ah…” I replied, blinking a few times. “Oo, may iniisip lang.” He nods, we both know that it was Heeseung and Sunghoon’s wedding. Maybe we’re both choosing to ignore things that we know will spark the fight.
I was 18 then, I am 29 now. Ang tagal ko na pala siyang mahal, ang dami na naming sakripisyo, pero paano kung wala talagang balak si Sunoo na pakasalan ako? paano kung hanggang dito na lang pala kami?
“Kaya mo ba nang wala ako?” I asked him.
He looks up from his laptop “Syempre hindi.” I stare at my empty ring finger and Sunoo takes the hint, he always does. He has always been smart. Summa cum laude ba naman, he’s already achieved a lot in his career. “If this is about marriage, I hope you know that hindi naman lahat ng nagpapakasal masaya.”
I felt the lump in my throat. “Masaya pa ba tayo ngayon?”
“Exactly,” He pointed out. “Hindi pa nga tayo kasal, hindi na tayo masaya, paano pa kapag kinasal tayo.”
I felt tears forming. “Bakit pa tayo nandito kung hindi ka na pala masaya.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he says, slamming his laptop shut. “I mean, a wedding would not make this..” he waved his hand to gesture the space between us. “Better.”
“Hanggang kailan tayo ganito? Hindi na tayo bumabata, Sunoo.”
Hinilamos niya ang palad niya sa mukha niya. “Do you seriously think that a wedding would fix this? Gusto mo lang ba ng bragging rights, na asawa mo ako?”
“Papakasalan mo ba ako?” I asked bravely. “Do you even think about marrying me, and what’s so wrong with wanting to be called your husband? Kinakahiya mo ba ako?” He didn’t answer, umiwas siya ng tingin sakin. “Mahal kasi kita kaya gusto ko maging asawa mo, gusto ko kapag dumating sa puntong kailangan ko gumawa ng desisyon para sa atin, pwede… hindi yung kailangan pa tawagan yung mama mo.”
“Jae,” Sunoo says softly, pulling me closer. “I’m sorry, babe. I love you.”
When I was 18, this was enough, Sunoo saying that he loves me was enough. But I am 29 now, and I changed. We both did. Sunoo hugged me extra tight that night, na para bang ayaw niya akong makawala. Hindi ko na rin alam. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko, kung paano mawawala sa isip ko yung kasal. Tama rin siguro siya, hindi naman lahat ng kinakasal masaya.
But I was 18 then, hindi ko pa naman iniisip na ikakasal kami, okay na ako na mahal ko siya at mahal niya ako, hanggang sa umabot ako ng 25, kinakasal na yung mga kaibigan namin and I understood why marriage was not in his plans yet, and now, I’m turning 30 and I realize that as I get tired of waiting, the people around us got tired of asking and resorting to looking at me with sad eyes.
“I love you,” Sunoo says, petting my hair. I couldn't bring myself to answer. We continued with our lives, ignoring the elephant in the room. Until it decides to make itself known.
It was supposed to be a hangout, but I think the universe was done giving me signs and decided to just slap me with reality.
“Hindi ako naniniwala sa kasal.” I heard him say, Heeseung chuckles. “Bakit?” Sunoo asks, a hint of playfulness in his voice. “May nagbago ba simula nung kinasal kayo ni Hoon? Was the sex different? Kantot asawa na ba?”
“Tanga,” Heeseung says. “Iba lang sa pakiramdam, when I look at my hand and I see the ring, I am reminded of everything good the world has given me.”
“Bilhan ko na lang si Jae ng singsing.” Pagbibiro niya.
“Basta iba, When you know, you know. When I saw him walking down the aisle, I felt like I was relieved of all the sins I had made in the past, that this was a new beginning, hindi ako religious, alam mo ‘yan, but marrying Sunghoon and being his husband is the biggest blessing of my life.”
And on cue, Hoon came out of their room with the pasalubongs they had for us and pulled me near Hee and Sunoo.
“Kanina pa kayo?” Hee asks, pulling Hoon to sit closer to him. Umiling si Sunghoon but Sunoo looked at me. I gave him a fake smile.
Pinakita ni Sunghoon lahat ng pinamili niya para sa amin, Heeseung was nodding and butting whenever he feels like it o kaya para asarin si Sunoo, but the small smile and look of adoration never left his eyes when it comes to Hoon.
“Binilhan kita ng sapphire na kwintas, pwedeng something blue kapag kinasal kayo.” Natigil si Sunoo, I looked at Sunghoon. “Or kapag kinasal ka sa iba… Joke!”
“Thank you, invited ka sa kasal ko.” I decided to joke around as well and avoided Sunoo’s eyes at all cost.
“Ako ba invited?” Sunoo asked, pertaining to our topic sa bahay nila Sunghoon, his eyes never leaving the road. Nandito na naman kami, just like Hee and Hoon’s wedding and the dozen others we’d been invited to.
“Gusto mo ba?” I asked. “Kaya mo ba ako makitang ikasal sa iba?”
“Hindi.” He looks at me, “Papel lang naman yun, Jae.”
“Papel lang pala, eh bakit hindi mo maibigay sa akin?” That left Sunoo speechless, for the first time in 11 years, I actually felt like we’re on the verge of ending.
“Hindi naman madali.”
“Labing-isang taon, Sun, 11 fucking years, we’ve literally been through the worst apple. Hindi pa ba sapat yun?”
“I just need time, Jae. I promise, I’ll think about it.”
“Apple,” I said, voice trembling. “I don’t think I can wait anymore.”
He stopped at the nearest gas station, I finally had the courage to look at him. “Jae,” he whispers. “Hanggang dito na lang ba tayo?”
“Siguro.” Pinilit ko ngumiti, “I want to get married, Sunoo, and I don’t want to force you into something that you don’t like.”
Kinuha niya yung kamay ko, holding it tightly and gently guiding it to his cheeks, umiwas ako ng tingin dahil hindi ko kayang makitang umiiyak siya. “Apple,” he whispered, we hadn't called each other that for a long time. “Wag mo naman ako iwan, apple. Hindi ko kaya nang wala ka.”
I have never seen Sunoo in this state, begging, eyes sincere, tears flowing down his cheeks. “Mahal kita,” I whispered, going near him, our noses were touching. “Pero hindi ko na kaya, Apple. I don’t want to wake up one day and resent you for not being able to marry me.” I had to end it now, because if I hadn’t, I know that I will forgive him and our cycle will continue. I'll bury this marriage thing deep down and one day, when we’re old, I’d end up resenting him.
“Apple…” I felt him moving closer, our lips almost touching, “I love you, apple.” Even with my eyes closed, this memory will be etched in my mind for the years to come. I know that this feeling will linger; our last kiss. 11 years down the drain, our relationship ended on a random Tuesday. Hindi mo nga naman masasabi, one day we were 18 and in love, then we were 23 and building our life and never did I expect that at 29, we’d be ending things, pero hindi na kami tulad ng dati. Mabilis pala talaga ang buhay.
“Mabilis lang ang buhay, apple!” Sunoo says. “Pero isa lang ang sigurado ko, matagal kitang mamahalin.”
“Asus!” I say, Sunoo laughs.
“Kinikilig ka lang kasi!” sino ba naman ang hindi? I bit my lip. “Isipin mo yung crush mo lang sa GE Rizal, boyfriend mo na forever!”
“Forever?”
He nods, kissing my cheeks. “Sa susunod kapag naka-akyat na ako sa corporate ladder, lilipat tayo sa condo tapos bibili tayo ng bahay sa ayala alabang.”
I turned off my faucet and looked at him. “Kahit naman hindi sa ayala alabang!”
“Eh gusto ko doon!” he says. “Tapos ikaw super taas na level na wedding photographer, ikaw na lalapitan ng mga artista.”
“Ako rin mag-pipicture sa kasal natin?”
Lumiit ang ngiti ni Sunoo. “Ayoko, puro ako nasa ig natin, dapat dalawa naman tayo for a change.”
“Edi gumawa ka ng sarili mong instagram!” I joked. “Kaya nga appleofmyeye kasi ikaw ang apple ng eyes ko,” I said, playfully pinching his nose.
“And I'd love that apple, I’d love to be the apple of your eye, forever.”
Sunoo kept his promise, we moved into a condo, I became a wedding photographer, he did climb the corporate ladder, we travelled, and yet no ring on my finger. Tama naman yung sinabi niya, matagal naman niya akong mahal, matagal naman ang labing isang taon, akala ko lang na habang buhay kami.
We were both sitting in our bed, the reality slowly sinking in. “Anong gagawin natin ngayon, apple.”
“Hindi ko alam,” I said truthfully, lumingon ako sa kanya, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I’m sure I look like a mess as well.
“I love you,” he whispers. “I want to be 18 again, I want to be able to make it right.”
“29 na tayo.”
“Malay mo when we’re 50, we’ll see each other again and maybe we’re truly meant to be.”
“Maybe,” I said with a smile. “Would you marry me by then?”
Sunoo looks at me. “Maybe I will.”
–
I looked around, Sunghoon was smiling, Heeseung was by his side. This is the perfect day to get married, it wasn’t too hot nor too cold, the sun shines directly on the altar made in the garden, making it a picture perfect moment. With the correct camera setting, the rays will highlight the couple, showing their authentic smiles and if lucky, the look in their eyes as they exchange vows.
“I promise to love you, for as long as I am alive. No matter how fast life may be, I will make sure to take you with me, wherever it may bring us. From the moment I saw you on the beach celebrating your 32nd birthday, I knew that I would love you for a long time.”
I smiled, feeling the tears forming. Corny. Sumulyap ako kay Sunghoon, he smiled wider and raised his thumbs up.
“I have wanted this for a long time,” I whispered. “Thank you.”
He smiles at me, “I love you, I want to give you what you want, I want to marry you, I want to grow old with you, I want everything as long as it’s you.”
“Mahal kita, Jay.”