Work Text:
A Halloween Egg
(A Detransitioning for the Holidays extra)
Kristi remembered clearly when it had happened. It was like a bolt out of the blue, yet at the same time it felt like she had always, somehow, known it.
She had been Kris back then, named for her mother’s obsession with Kris Kristofferson. Who was actually pretty dope, it turned out. Kris, born a boy, raised a boy, but little did she know that had all been a huge mistake.
Her egg had cracked in the early 2000’s, when she was sixteen. It started, as most things had in those days, in Nathan’s garage while they smoked a bowl and talked shit to each other.
***
Nathan passed the bong to Kristi and she took it, sparked the lighter, and applied it to the bowl. She breathed in deeply, feeling the smoke pull into her lungs while the water burbled quietly. Her head swam a little. She lowered the bong, holding her breath as long as she could, wanting the feeling to last as long as possible. When she couldn’t hold it any longer, she exhaled slowly, her breath almost totally smoke. It billowed out and drifted across the space between them. She passed the bong to Carly.
“What do you want to do?” she finally said, stifling a cough and sucking in fresh air.
“Sit in here and smoke blow?” Nathan had his head resting back, eyes closed.
“That’s all we ever do.” Kristi tilted her own head back and looked at the cracked ceiling. “We have to do something. Anything. Halloween is the only holiday that doesn’t suck.”
“I like Christmas.” Nathan opened his eyes and Kristi saw him turn to look at her. “We get gifts.”
Kristi nodded to acknowledge this, even as she objected. “But my parents are so fucking liberal they don’t like the commercialism. Or the overt religiosity.” She sighed. “It becomes the most anodyne, sad affair.” Kristi didn’t care for any of it, it was all performative bullshit.
“July the fourth?” Nathan offered.
“Jingoistic bullshit.” Kristi spat angrily, but felt too chill to open her mouth and start a rant.
“Thanksgiving?” Carly finally lowered the bong and coughed through the word.
“It’s more like Black Friday’s eve these days,” Kristi complained. “And what do you do? Eat dry turkey and watch sports?” She ladled scorn on the word. “Or the parade?” She shook her head. “Fuck that shit.” Carly and Nathan both nodded, Carly’s mouth twisted in wry agreement. “Halloween’s the only one that doesn’t blow, so we have to do somethin’.”
“Like trick or treat?” Nathan snorted a laugh at Carly’s mocking tone.
“No,” Kristi didn’t want to die in this fucking nothing town never having done anything. Her mum wanted her to become a college professor like her parents. And what, teach the next generation to think and feel nothing too? No. She wanted to do things. To act. But if they couldn’t even find something to do on the spookiest day of the year, then maybe they were lost already.
“We could get hold of some video nasties and watch them in my room.” Carly put the bong on the table and tucked her legs up under her.
“Where would we get video nasties at such short notice?” Nathan leaned over and shifted the bong so it wasn’t at risk of falling off the table. “The video shop’s horror is totally lame.” He looked at Carly. “And I’m not watching Saw again.”
“Let’s get dressed up and cause some mischief,” Kristi suggested, starting to grin with the idea. “Maybe TP Jessica’s house.”
Carly and Nathan both nodded at the mention of Jessica, the school Bitch Queen. There was a moment’s silence as they all imagined ways they would like to get revenge on Jessica.
“I could dress up as Christian Slater from Heathers and spike Jessica’s drink with Drano.” Nathan’s face split into an evil smile. Kristi grinned back at him.
“Who would we dress up as?” Carly sat up straighter, a sure sign she was actually interested in the idea.
“You could be Heathers?” Kristi knew Carly had a red scrunchie. It could work.
“Ugh, no!” Carly’s lip curled. “Winona Ryder or nothing.” She held up a hand to stop any comments. “And I refuse to look like someone who might sleep with Nate.”
Nathan pulled a face at her. “Would you prefer to dress as a slut? Like Mean Girls.”
“Fuck you.” She yelled it pretty loud, given how bloodshot her eyes were. Then she tilted her head. “Although I’d love to get my hands on Gretchen Weiner in that cat suit.”
“You’re never gonna get laid if you keep going for the straight girls,” Nathan pointed out.
Carly grabbed an oily rag from nearby and threw it at Nathan. Surprisingly agile, he dove out of the way, trying to avoid getting oil on his clothes.
“I go more for Lizzy Caplan.” Kristi sighed as she pictured her.
“How come the lesbians -” Nathan drew out the word like it was an insult, making Carly flip him off, “ - always go for the straights, and our token straight boy wants the dyke?”
“She wasn’t gay,” Kristi objected. Nathan sat back down, giving her a withering look which Kristi mimicked. Then she asked, “What about you?”
“Jonathan Bennett can get some,” Nathan said, with a look that confirmed it.
“He’s straight.” Kristi waved a hand to indicate that she had proved her argument.
“That’s what you think,” Nathan muttered.
“This is getting us nowhere.” Carly was always the first to get tired of the bickering.
Kristi let the argument with Nathan rest and turned to Carly. “So, what’s your favorite movie, then?”
Carly looked at her. “Obviously, it’s But I’m A Cheerleader.” Her tone chided Kristi, who nodded to accept the rebuke. Obviously.
“I could go as Graham.” Carly started to smile at the idea.
“You mean come as yourself?” Nathan raised his eyebrows. “That’s not dressing up.”
“Unless…” Kristi said, an idea coalescing, “you wear her pink straight-graduation dress.”
“Ugh,” Carly pulled a face and Kristi laughed.
Nathan clapped his hands together. “That’s perfect!” He cried.
Kristi turned to him.“And you could dress as one of the boys.”
“You just want to see me in a see-through top,” he said to Kristi.
Kristi pulled a face.
Carly looked at Nathan, then looked at Kristi with delight in her eyes. “You could be Megan.”
“What?” Kristi’s head snapped back and she looked sharply at Carly.
“It’s perfect,” Carly said. She pointed at Kristi “I will happily wear that ugly pink dress if you’ll dress as a cheerleader.”
Kristi felt a hot flush rush through her, horror and panic flooding her at the thought of standing out so much. School was already a nightmare without giving them a reason to bully her more.
“No, no, no,” she said, feeling her mouth go dry. Her voice cracked a little. “I couldn’t.” She shook her head. “I won’t.”
“Come on,” Carly pressed. She leaned in and poked at Kristi’s arm. “It’d be hilarious.”
“Yeah,” Nathan joined in, poking her other arm. “Do it. Do it!”
Kristi felt trapped all of a sudden. She wanted to run, adrenaline surging through her body, making her feel wired, despite the pot still in her system.
“I’m not sure,” was all she could manage.
“If you do it, we’ll both dress up.” Nathan’s tone was wheedling. Carly looked at her appealingly.
“I… maybe…” She felt sweaty and scared, but also felt stupid for reacting so strongly. Hadn’t she been the one encouraging them? Could she dish it out but not take it? “I suppose I could,” she managed to say.
Nathan clapped both his hands together, decision made.
***
Kristi went home that night dreading what she had agreed to, figuring she had a week to get out of it without seeming like the buzzkill. She lay in bed that night thinking about all the excuses she could come up with. Her parents would never let her. She’d look too mannish. And the big one: she would be mercilessly bullied for the rest of her life.
She felt sick at the thought.
The feelings plagued her for days, which made it even stranger when she found herself on Main Street, going into a fancy dress store and casually leafing through the racks. She was looking at the men’s costumes, but was also glancing over at the girls section guiltily. She could wait for the shop to clear, rush over, grab the cheerleader outfit and a wig, pay, and get the hell out.
But it was the run up to Halloween. The shop was full of people picking up preordered outfits or going through the costumes. Most of them were packed in clear plastic wallets, neatly folded with a picture showing a version of the outfit that was far superior than anything that would be found inside.
Kristi felt the eyes of the store assistant on her and knew that she was making herself look suspicious. She finally took a breath and wandered over to the female side of the store. She grabbed the costume, trying to appear calm, like it was no big deal, and went to the checkout.
She flashed an awkward smile to the assistant. “It’s for a friend. She asked me to pick it up.”
The shop assistant smiled disinterestedly and began to ring up the sale.
“I couldn’t decide on one for myself,” Kristi went on, unable to keep her mouth under control. “I’ll have a think and come back later.” Kristi wanted to kill herself just to shut herself up. She knew she was making it so much worse.
“Will that be everything?” The assistant’s polite face hadn’t changed at all.
Kristi hesitated, then hurriedly grabbed a blonde wig and added it to her purchase. The assistant smiled vacantly and rang it up.
Kristi paid cash and got out of the store as quickly as she could, grasping the bag tight, like someone was planning to snatch it from her and start the teasing straight away. She went straight home, feeling oddly like she had been on some kind of heist, getting away with her ill gotten gains. She felt like everyone’s eyes were on her, even though no one knew what she had in the bag.
When she got home she rushed upstairs and hid the offending purchase under her bed. She crammed it next to her other contraband, mainly porn magazines and pot, hidden by boxes of old stuffed toys and hobbies she had started but lost interest in.
***
Halloween arrived and Kristi felt like she suddenly had nowhere to hide. She pulled out the bag and took out the items, staring at them. She hadn’t even tried to talk Nathan and Carly out of it, even though she had spent all week thinking of nothing else. It was stupid. She was stupid for feeling so wigged by a costume.
She looked at the costume packet closely for the first time. It more closely resembled the cheer outfit from Bring It On than the one in But I’m a Cheerleader, but it would do. As long as she stuck with Carly and Nathan it would be obvious which film it was they were referencing. Wouldn’t it? How many people had actually seen the movie?
She couldn’t put it off any longer. Carly was probably already on her way over. She unwrapped the outfit and laid it on the bed. She had some cycling shorts that she was going to wear underneath, she just had to roll up the legs so they didn’t show below the skirt. Carly had leant her a bra, one of her old sports bras from a few years ago. They were also laid out on the bed.
Kristi took a deep breath and put the bra on. She’d thought it would be harder, given everything she’d heard, but it seemed easy enough. She stuffed the cups with socks to fill the void. She put on the shorts, then the outfit, refusing to look in the mirror the whole time. Lastly, she put on the wig, which she had thought would be the easiest, but it was synthetic, wiry, and uncomfortably scratchy. She pulled it about on her head to find the most comfortable position, trying to calm the static wildness. She only had a comb, which just got stuck in the hair as she tried to brush it out. In the end she gave up, choosing to live with the unruly mop. It wasn’t totally wrong for the character.
Kristi realised that the butterflies in her stomach were threatening to turn into a stomach ache and she thought that she might actually throw up. But she made herself turn around and look in the mirror.
Standing there, in her room, was a girl.
It was a messy, disheveled girl, but she definitely saw a girl. The Kris she had known seemed to have disappeared behind the hair and fake boobs. She had to admit that she had long, lithe legs, and a figure that wasn’t half bad.
She shakily put her hand on her bare midriff. It was flat and taut. She smiled, and the girl in the mirror lit up with joy. She laughed nervously, but there was an excitement in the laugh. She saw a joy on the girl’s face that had always seemed absent when Kris laughed. It had always sounded hollow to her, devoid of real humor, more like canned laughter than the real thing. Hollow.
There was a light knock at the door and Kristi’s stomach dropped through the floor. Oh god, is that Mom?, she thought. She hadn’t told her parents she was doing this.
“Hold on, I’m not…” she began, but a voice interrupted from the other side of the door.
“It’s me,” Carly reassured. Then she pushed open the door and slipped through a narrow gap, closing it behind her. She looked at Kristi and her mouth dropped open. “Wow! Oh my god, what happened to Kris?”
Kristi giggled, she couldn’t help it. “I know.”
Kristi stood in the center of the room while Carly assessed her. She waited, feeling exposed as she usually hated anyone looking at her for a long time like this.
Finally, Carly tapped her bag. “What we need is a little makeover.” She put her bag on the bed and pulled out a makeup box.
“I didn’t realize you had so much makeup.” Kristi still felt slightly jittery, but it was different to the jangle of nerves she’d had all week. Excitement, maybe.
“I stole some of my sisters,” Carly confessed as she laid things out in an order known only to her. “She won’t know.” Carly’s older sister was at college. She got to work.
Carly looked at Kristi expectantly. Kristi knelt on the floor by the bed to allow Carly to do her work.
As Carly applied blush and eyeshadow to Kristi’s face, Kristi felt… different. Either her initial panic subsided, or something more profound happened. She felt like a calm seeped through her body, a peace that she had never truly felt before. She felt centered, grounded. Like all of those meditation books said she should feel, in the moment, but for her it was the first time ever. Is this is what it’s like to feel normal? she thought. Without all the anxiety and guilt for ever being born?
Kristi sat as still as she could, not fidgeting, not looking away. It was a struggle until Carly finally said, “How’s that?” she took a deep breath in relief.
Kristi turned her head to look in the mirror. From nowhere she felt herself welling up with tears. Boys don’t cry, her mind tried to say, trying to blink back the tears. she didn’t want to let Carly see her cry. Or, if she was honest, to spoil the makeup.
“Who’s that girl?” Kristi quipped, trying to conceal her emotions.
“I know!” Carly stared at her in amazement, and Kristi smoothed her hands over her skirt. She sat on the bed to pull on her white socks and sneakers.
Carly watched, then muttered, “Hmm,” uncertainly.
“What?” Kristi asked, looking down at her sneakers. Were they too different?
“There’s a little too much going on in them shorts,” Carly told her, pointing.
Kristi looked at her lap. The skirt had ridden up and her junk was clearly outlined in the material of her shorts. “Oh,” she said, feeling a little disgust, and a lot of shame at the sight of it. She pulled down the skirt, embarrassed.
“Hold on.” Carly went over to Kristi’s desktop computer in the corner of the room and woke it up. Carly opened a Google page, searched, and clearly found what she was looking for. She waived Kristi into the seat.
Kristi sat down and looked at the webpage. It had rainbows all over it. She scrolled through the article, went back to the top, then read certain parts more closely. Then she looked at Carly. “Can I? Does that…?”
“Don’t ask me,” Carly said, holding up her hands. “I don’t have the goods. You tell me.”
Kristi looked at the article again, then got up and walked to the other side of the room. She shuffled until she was almost standing inside her closet. She turned away from Carly and rummaged around inside her shorts for a moment. She gave a quiet, “Oh,” of realization when she pushed her genitals a certain way and they went… somewhere. Just went. Out of sight.
She turned around and cautiously lifted her skirt for Carly to see.
“Not a thing in sight.” Carly grinned at her.
Kristi tugged her shorts up higher to hold things more securely, then moved over to the mirror to look. Her groin was smooth. “Wow,” she muttered, a small smile playing on her lips. “That was easier than I would have expected.” She gave another nervous giggle. This wasn’t anything like she had expected.
“Now, if you don’t mind,” Carly said, picking up her bag and heading to the door, “I need to change.”
Kristi waved her out of the room and turned to the mirror again, admiring herself from different angles. She felt strange, a sort of excitement that filled her body and made every cell seem to vibrate. Her emotions welled up, building as if they would rise and rise until they exploded out of her. Has anyone ever died of happiness? And was this happiness? It was so far outside of how Kristi normally felt she wasn’t sure what it was. Usually she felt a permanent, low-grade dread, the expectation that at any moment everything would go wrong. Like the Chieftain from the Asterix stories, expecting the sky to fall on his head.
She stood there, bathing in the feeling, until Carly came back into the room, dressed in a PVC pink dress with a petticoat beneath. “Ugh, I’m already sweating in this thing, my tits are a swamp.” She had a hand down her top, wiping away the sweat. She looked up at Kristi, standing in the middle of the room with a huge grin on her face and bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. “What?”
“Nothing,” Kristi said, barely able to hide her overwhelming emotions. “You look exactly right. Really pretty.”
“Do I fuck,” Carly said. She knelt down unceremoniously in front of the mirror to do her hair and makeup.
“I think you do,” Kristi insisted.
Carly turned her head to look at her. “What’s up with you?”
“Nothing,” Kristi repeated, knowing she was being weird, that her and Carly’s friendship was based on sarcasm, not earnest compliments. But she also thought she might burst into tears at any moment.
Carly ignored her and continued getting ready. When she was finished she stood up and critically assessed her full outfit. “That will have to do, I’m not wasting anymore time.” She looked at her watch. “Isn’t Nathan supposed to be here?”
Kristi shgrugged. Nathan was always late. “We can head out and we should meet him coming the other way.”
Carly nodded and took hold of Kristi’s hand, grinning her own nervous smile. “Are you ready?”
Kristi paused, then went to her wardrobe, pulling out two pompoms. She had picked them up at a pop-up costume shop two days before.
Carly laughed, nodding with approval. “Nice!”
Kristi took a breath. “Can you check the coast is clear?”
Carly frowned. “Didn’t you tell your folks?” She snorted at Kristi’s headshake. “Your parents are the most chill about this stuff, I don’t know what you’re worried about.”
She still went to the bedroom door and opened it a little to peek out. She turned back and nodded.
They sneaked out the back door of the house, circling around and meeting Nathan coming up the driveway.
”Good timing.” Kristi felt flush with relief at getting out without being seen.
“Woah, who’s the straight chick?” Nathan asked, reeling back like he was pulled up short by the sight of the two of them. He was wearing a sheer blue vest and a pair of short shorts. He somehow looked perfectly natural in his outfit, like he wore it every day.
“You’re late,” Carly told him, continuing along and making him turn to follow.
“I thought you girls would take forever to get ready.” He smirked at them, clearly very pleased at his joke.
“Nice sexism there,” Carly sneered, “Mr Modern-gay-man.”
“Nice outfit,” Nathan snapped back. “You look like a proper lady.”
Carly laughed and curtseyed. “Thank you for noticing.”
Nathan scowled. “You still look queer as hell.”
Carly looked smug. “It goes right through my DNA, my base code is QEER.” She laughed at her own joke.
“I’m more interested in who your friend is.” Nathan turned to Kristi and looked her pointedly up and down.
Throughout their exchange Kristi had been following passively along, not really listening to their chat, lost in her own reverie.
“I said, who is your friend,” Nathan said more pointedly.
Kristi realised he was talking to her. “I’m Megan,” she answered.
Nathan’s face dropped. “Ah, the voice kinda spoils the illusion.”
“Oh,” Kristi said, her smile disappearing in an instant. She swallowed, then pitched her voice up to a squeaky, high one. “Is this better?”
Nathan pulled another face. “Not really,” he dragged out the words.
Kristi’s head dropped, her shoulders slumping.
Carly jumped in. “We can figure that out later. What are we going to do now?”
Kristi had been too preoccupied to think about exact plans, and the others pointed out that it had been her idea, so they hadn’t either. They wandered idly around the streets, watching the kids go from house to house, bullying adults into handing over sugary treats in return for a reduction in vandalism. Kristi wondered if Halloween had been invented by the mob.
It was still early enough that the younger kids were out with their parents, so there wasn’t much mischief possible. They would have to wait until there wasn’t so much adult supervision.
Kristi felt nervous. Like she would be pointed out by someone, then get a wave of hate for being a boy in a dress, but no one paid any attention to her. In a way that was better than people being positive, feeling like she just fitted in. That she was part of the crowd.
Oddly, she started to worry less and less about the shortness of the skirt, or if the socks in her bra would fall out. She started to actually feel comfortable in her new clothes, her new self.
Nathan had a new digital camera that he was showing off and he took some pictures of the three of them posing in various ways, jokey scenes from the movie, or just being stupid. Kristi usually hated having her photograph taken, it made her feel self conscious; how should she hold her hands? Where to put her feet? What did she usually do with her face? She often forgot how to smile when a camera was pointed at her, hiding it by either going with a neutral expression that did not fit the mood, or did something approximating a sardonic half-smile. One half of her mouth turned up, the other half slack, like it refused to join in with the good humor.
But these photos felt different. She posed, grinning in a relaxed manner, happily acting out the various scenes without much thought. She felt comfortable.
The number of supervising parents on the streets slackened as the sky grew darker. The younger kids were going inside, leaving a different feeling behind. It felt like the evening had an edge to it. It was a very middle-class part of a university town, full of faux colonial homes built for the university staff and other professionals, so there was little crime or bad behavior. But Halloween always led to some hijinks, as the parents insisted on calling it, but the truth was it was mainly low grade bullying enacted on a grander scale than usual.
TPing houses was pretty common. The ‘cool’ kids (definitely not Kristi and her friends) often picked on one of the less popular kids at school and did everything to trash their house. It had happened to Kristi one year and her parents had sat her down for a talk as if she had been the one to throw the toilet paper over the house and trees. Like she had turned over the trashcans, spreading trash everywhere. Kristi had been made to clear the mess from the front yard, feeling like she was being punished twice, once by the bullies, then again by her own parents.
Her Mom and Dad seemed to feel that the perpetrators were only acting from societal pressure, whilst Kristi was really the one to blame for not working harder to make friends with others. She should be less sarcastic and gothy, then she would be accepted. People didn’t realize how truly awful left wing parents could be, especially those armed with their academic credentials convincing them they were correct.
They drifted through more of the streets, scoring some candy from a couple of houses that had scarier looking decorations. On one street they came near to a group of rowdy kids dressed as zombies, white face-paint and torn clothing. They were being very loud considering their undead status, not really trying to stay in character. Most were riding bikes and harassing smaller groups who were on foot. Kristi tensed up, recognizing some of them from school. This is what she had been worried about. Surely she would immediately be spotted and singled out for bullying. And in this outfit she had no protection or defense. She would be torn apart, mercilessly.
She drifted further away from the other two, eyes darting as she looked for possible escape routes. It was something she was used to doing; being one of the nerdy kids had often led to running from groups of bullies. A lot.
The group spotted Carly and Nathan, starting to circle them immediately. They were just as much targets as Kristi was on an average day, but today Kristi felt that she was in much more danger. She ducked down a path beside one of the houses and entered into a stranger’s back garden. She could hear the voices being raised and felt a pang of guilt for abandoning her friends, but the thought of the bullying she would face if they discovered her dressed like this was more than she could face.
She found a garden chair and moved back over to the fence, climbing on it and then over into the next garden. She moved as quickly as she could, hopping over from garden to garden, glad she was wearing the shorts, until she thought she was far enough away. No one in the houses seemed to spot her and she started to breathe a little easier. She took the path by the next house and back out onto the street.
Kristi looked back along the street, far enough away to feel safer, but still able to see that the group on bikes had stopped and were standing next to Carly and Nathan. Would they be alright? It wouldn’t be that bad, would it? Kristi was about to turn and run, to find a long way back home, but she couldn’t make herself do it. To just leave her friends in the hands of those little shits, especially when the whole thing had been her idea.
Before she even had a plan in her head she walked into the middle of the road, a good distance away from them and stood in clear view. She was shaking, but still started to chant.
“One, two, three, four, I won't take "no" anymore. Five, six, seven, eight, I want you to be my mate.” Kristi started to inexpertly wave the pompoms, drawing the attention of the crowd, who stared in disbelief and confusion. She hoped that Carly and Nathan figured out what she was doing.
“One, two, three, four, you're the one that I adore. Five, six, seven, eight, don't run from me 'cause this is fate.” On the word ‘run’ she shook her pompoms wildly and Carly and Nathan took off in different directions.
The idiots were so mesmerized by her bizarre performance they took a few seconds to even realise what had happened. They started to try and peddle, but the confusion meant some weren’t ready and a couple of them fell off their bikes. The others did not know which one to follow, calling to each other and disagreeing about who would be best. They cycled in circles, confused and disorganized, then seemed to regain their composure and turn towards Kristi. They started to peddle with purpose.
“Oh shit,” Kristi muttered to herself and took off as fast as she could, thankful this time that she was wearing sneakers. She ducked down alleys to try and lose the group, finally managing to boost herself into someone else’s back garden, where the others couldn’t follow. This time there was a group of adults drinking out on their back porch and they looked at the beleaguered cheerleader in shock, no one moving or saying anything.
Kristi panted out, “Sorry,” then took off over the opposite fence, flashing her ass as she clambered awkwardly over.
She jogged out of the garden of the other house, trying to plan where to go next, but froze when she saw Carly. Would she be angry? Did she think Kristi had deserted them?
Carly stared at her, her hair also disheveled and wayward. Then she ran towards Kristi, grabbed her hand, and they ran as fast as they could away.
They found a hiding spot in a nearby park. They were able to crawl behind some bushes, out of sight of everyone. They sat on the dirt ground, trying to catch their breath until Kristi felt able to speak.
“Did you see if Nathan got away?” She got the words out between breaths. Carly shook her head. Kristi dropped her eyes to her feet. “I’m sorry I disappeared, I was just so scared.”
Carly put a hand on her knee. “Are you kidding? That was brilliant!” She gasped and laughed at the same time. “Fucking hilarious. Absolutely a movie moment.”
Kristi ducked her head and laughed. Then she turned her head to look at Carly. Their eyes locked and they gazed into each other’s eyes, Kristi’s heart beating so loud she thought Carly must be able to hear it. She had no idea who moved first, but they fell into a kiss, awkward and passionate, fed by adrenaline fueled excitement.
They pulled away and Kristi suddenly felt horrified at what they had done. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”
Carly ducked her own head. “Yeah, you just look so pretty, and I…” She was mumbling, looking confused by what she had just done.
They sat there for a while, neither looking at the other, until Carly looked at her watch and said, “I better head home.”
Kristi nodded. “Yeah, of course. Would you like me to walk with you?”
Carly smiled awkwardly. “Yeah, sure.” But she didn’t seem so sure.
They crept out of the hiding place, Kristi feeling weirdly unafraid, compared to when she had scrambled in. They walked side by side. Carly slipped her hand into Kristi’s and they headed home hand in hand through the dark streets. Kristi was too scared to turn to look at Carly, afraid what the expression on her face might say. When they reached Carly’s house she smiled weakly at Kristi.
“Sorry about -” they both began, and stopped immediately.
“It was the moment,” Kristi began again.
“I suppose we had to do it,” Carly said. Kristi darted her a sharp look and Carly went on. “It’s in character. You Megan, me Graham.”
“Yeah, I suppose,” Kristi agreed, glad for an out. “Friends?” She asked, hopeful that things weren’t ruined.
“Friends,” Carly agreed. She leaned in and they hugged awkwardly. “See you tomorrow at school.”
Kristi walked away. She replayed the moment again and again in her head. She used to have a crush on Carly when they first met, but she came out as gay and that was that. She hated those guys who made comments about ”fixing” lesbians, and never wanted to be like that. She had worked to make sure she was never gross. But it had seemed different this evening, they had both leaned into it. Still her emotions felt like clothes in a washing machine, tumbling over each other, tangling together in a wet mess.
She thankfully made it home without meeting anyone and sneaked back into her house through the back door, closing it quietly. She turned and started.
Her father was waiting for her, sitting at the dining table.
He was wearing his customary brown cords, shirt, tie and cardigan, the college professor uniform. “Can we have a word, Kristofer?”
Kristi nodded meekly. “Yes sir.”
She sat down at the dining room table. It was only used for family discussions, never for meals, which meant Kristi’s parents complaining about grades, or her conduct, or the messiness of her room.
Kristi suddenly felt uncomfortable in her clothes, in a way she hadn’t all evening, even when running from the bullies. She was aware of the cold air on her legs and midriff, and the weight on her chest from the bra and socks. She wanted to get back into combats and her big hoodie, clothes she could hide in. She pulled off the wig and stuffed it into her lap with the pompoms.
“We need to talk about these… tendencies.” Her Father pointed at her lap, like he could still see the wig through the table. “How long have you been doing this?”
Kristi shook her head, not quite understanding. “It’s Halloween,” she said. “It was just a joke.” She tried to sound even tempered so she wouldn’t get in even more trouble for ‘having an attitude’.
“But do you see how this will look to other people? It makes you seem very unserious.” Unserious was the worst insult her Dad could come up with. It meant not of the caliber to become a lawyer, a politician, or a college professor. Unserious meant frivolous, and frivolity was wasteful, useless.
Kristi stared at the table, she knew every groove and swirl in the wood from previous ‘conversations’.
“This could jeopardise your future,” he continued, “do you think a university is going to accept you if you insist on acting out like this? This is not the impression you want to make on future employers.”
Kristi couldn’t help the frustration coming out. “They’re not here, how would they know?”
“People talk,” her father snapped.
And that was it. People talk. Gossip was the thing her father feared the most. The thought that his son might appear ‘unserious’ to the neighbors. Unserious, or queer. Not that Kristi might be queer, but that their neighbors might think it, that his colleagues might find out. His colleagues who were liberal, and sometimes even queer themselves. But it still mattered.
“Yes sir,” Kristi said meekly, knowing from past experience that there was no use arguing with a man who argued for a living.
“If you are having urges,” he said with clear distaste, “or that you may be displaying certain tendencies -”
Kristi interrupted, “I like girls, Dad,” but he wasn’t listening.
“- we can find someone who can help you through this. There are professionals who have had some success with certain reparative therapies.”
Kristi blanched. “You mean conversion therapy?” She snapped, immediately regretting it.
Her father tutted - actually tutted. “Such oppositional behaviors are unhealthy and unhelpful, Kristofer.”
She hated when he used her full name. “Maybe you’d be happier with a robot.” Then she mimicked his tone. “I hear they’ve had some success with Artificial Intelligence.”
“There’s no need to be petulant.” He always seemed so calm. “It’s a base reaction, it shows low impulse control.”
“What impulses are those?” She asked, knowing she was goading him. Knowing it was pointless, but unable to stop trying to make a point.
“We have no problem with you being -” he paused, choosing his words carefully, “- different. Difference and diversity makes a healthy society. But I do worry that you will limit your opportunities if you balk at society’s expectations. I don’t want you to be held back by certain proclivities.” He looked at Kristi. “Not everyone is as tolerant as your mother and I.”
Kristi snorted. “No one wants a son who’s a faggot, that’s what you’re saying.” Tolerant. Sure.
“Krtistofer,” he said in his most annoyingly slow and reasonable voice, “we won’t have abusive language in this house.”
Kristi felt her breathing coming faster, the emotions her parents didn’t want her to display pushing to the surface. “What you don’t want is a child who isn’t perfect in every way.”
She expected her father to deny it, but he simply said, “We have certain expectations, yes.”
It burned to hear it confirmed. That she had to be perfect, and was failing them. Would always fail them. “That I never do anything except what you want.”
Her father paused. “Your mother saw you. She is very upset.”
Oh, the emotional blackmail. It never takes very long for that to come out, Kristi thought. She scrunched her fists. “I thought she always wanted a girl. A little feminist theorist carbon copy of her.”
“Don’t you talk ill of your mother,” he said, finally reacting. “I’m going to call a colleague who can maybe help you find more healthy outlets for these feelings.”
“Feelings of an almost human nature, this will not do,1” Kristi intoned.
“There’s no need to be glib,” her Father snapped.
Kristi realized she had pushed him too far. He would never be violent, he was not that type of man, and Kristi could probably have beaten him in a fight if it came to that, but when he was angry he could be cruel. He had a cold, callous streak when it suited him.
Kristi tried to backtrack. “Sorry sir.”
”You should go to your room and stay there,” he said, dismissing her. “Think about what you’ve said and done and reflect on how it makes this family look.”
Still about how the family looked. Kristi caught herself before she started to cry in front of him and got up silently. She went up to her room. She knew what this meant, days of the silent treatment, limited food, not allowed to go out except for school, until he called her down and gave her a lecture and doled out a punishment he saw as suitable. Something that would limit her freedoms even more and trap her under his influence.
She closed the door to her room and threw her wig and pompoms into the corner of the room. She knew better than to react to him, it always worked out worse for her in the end, but why couldn’t she ever stick up for herself?
She fell onto the bed and began to cry, quietly at first, but then in deep wracking sobs that came up from her gut and spilled out of her. She thought back to how she had felt in the costume when they first went out. How it had all felt…right. About how Carly had seen her as enough of a woman to kiss her. She wasn’t stupid, she knew there was something else going on.
For the first time in her life she felt like she might know who she was, she’d been given a glimmer, and yet she knew she could never be that person. Her dad was right, but to feel such heights and such lows in the space of a few hours was the kind of cruelty only the universe could dream up. She curled up and sobbed out her hopes and dreams.
***
Kristi’s head swam with the memories of that Halloween, despite it having happened more than twenty years earlier. It had all come up again as she prepared to visit her in-laws, something she hadn’t done since transitioning almost ten years earlier.
Her phone rang and she tapped her watch to answer.
“Carly, hi,” she said. Things had changed so much since then, but she still had Carly, her long-time friend and now also her assistant.
“Have you got your ticket and your car rental reservation?” Carly was straight to the point. She knew Kristi well.
“Yes,” Kristi replied wearily. “I’m not that hopeless.” She snapped her fingers, remembering. “Oh, but do you have the address of the venue? I can’t find it.”
“It’s in the first email, but I’m messaging it to you now.”
“Thanks,” she said, “where would I be without you?”
Carly snorted down the line. “Probably still at home looking for your flight confirmation.”
Kristi snorted. “You can be brutal, you know that?”
“It all comes from love,” Carly told her.
“And it’s received with an open heart.”
There was a little laugh from the end of the line. “I’ll leave you to get back to Maddison.”
“No need,” Kristi said, “she’s been delayed, she’s going to get a flight tomorrow and meet me there.”
“Your wife works too much,” Carly said.
“Tell her,” Kristi snapped jokingly, “she won’t listen to me.” Kristi took a deep breath. “She still wants me to detransition for the holidays.”
Carly made an unsure sound. “And you still don’t want to, right?”
Kristi waved a hand. “I didn’t spend ten years and over a hundred thousand dollars just to go backwards.” There was silence on the other end. “What is it?” Kristi always knew when Carly wanted to say something.
The pause continued for another few seconds. “I think you should.”
“What? Why?” Kristi said, trying to sound as open and calm as possible.
“I don’t know, Kristi, you hear horror stories of what happens to queer people who wander into the wrong bar in the middle of nowheresville.”
Kristi winced, knowing exactly what she meant. She’d been trying not to think about that.
“Maybe you’re better off going undercover, you know? Then you can go back to your fabulous self afterwards.”
Kristi thought for a moment. “Maybe you’re right. Shit, Carly,I don’t want you to be. I’ve been trans and proud for so long now and I don’t want to change that.”
”Whatever you choose, you know I’ll be just at the other end of the phone, right?”
Kristi nodded, feeling her chest tighten. Maybe she was actually going to do this.
***
1. The Trial, performed by Pink Floyd, written by Bob Ezrin, George Roger Waters. Published by Pink Floyd Music Publishers Ltd.