Work Text:
“Wait… that doesn’t make any sense though…”
Fuuka pursed her lips as she trailed her hand along the page, her index finger grazing over the 7th step again to ensure she hadn’t somehow missed something or skipped ahead in the process… but sure enough, she hadn’t.
Only now was the recipe calling for her to pour the chocolate chips into the combined batter, for whatever reason. Earlier the recipe called for splitting the ingredients into two distinct categories, that being dry and wet ingredients, and mixing them together in separate bowls before adding them together to finish making the batter. Chocolate chips, she thought, were just a tacked on part of the recipe, since really chocolate chip pancakes were the same as regular pancakes in every other aspect as far as she was aware! So she’d simply dumped in a batch of them with the rest of the dry ingredients…
A nagging feeling in the back of her head told her she may have done something wrong… but it didn’t feel wrong to her, and wasn’t that what was important in cooking?
She saw it all the time when her friends or professionals honed the craft— it was very commonplace to adjust the recipe or their techniques depending on how the recipe looked during the process! There was a certain level of ‘feeling’ to cooking, she was sure, and she used a similar process whenever she worked with machines or programs.
Really, the more she thought about it— her passions weren’t all that different! Programming and engineering was prominently about working with certain inputs to receive the desired output, all the while adjusting your approach if the result wasn’t up to your expectation… and cooking really wasn’t all too different a concept! You had the input— your ingredients, and the output— your desired final dish, and you simply had to figure out how to use your knowledge of the craft to get from Point A to Point B… even if it took a few tries!
It’s why despite all her setbacks and failed dishes, Fuuka felt like cooking was something she could grow to master. Every time she failed, she learned a little more about what did and didn’t work. She just had to be confident and passionate even despite her failures, and surely the correct solution would be reached eventually, even if a few bad batches were the first result!
It was the same rationale that had her confidently dump a stick of butter into the ‘dry ingredients’ bowl, because despite its inherent slippiness— she wouldn’t ever think to describe solid butter as ‘wet’ like milk or egg yolk was!
…Though, now that she thought about it, wasn’t the butter going to melt once the batter got heated up? Was that the reason the recipe had weirdly put it in the wet ingredients section? Or… did it not matter because the batter would be all mixed together anyway before it even approached the stove…?
Fuuka mulled it over for a minute before shaking her head and steeling her resolve. She just… needed to be confident in her intuition, and she’d surely solve this problem and come out with something really delicious and— uhm… okay, based on previous experiences it probably wouldn’t be delicious on her first attempt…
Well, they’ll be at least edible chocolate chip pancakes, she’s sure! She could work on making it taste amazing on subsequent trials, once she had the basics down!
So with her insecurities and worries temporarily hushed, Fuuka confidently dumped the two sets of ingredients together into one batter all at once, (the bowl was plenty big enough to add it all at once, as opposed to doing it slowly with 1/4th cup at a time!) made sure to add some extra chocolate chip pancakes in now just to be sure she had enough and began to stir it all together.
She couldn’t help but smile watching the lumps of ingredients begin to mold together before her as bits of chocolate rose to the top of the mixture. She always found it fascinating to watch the way in which her recipe’s changed and adapted as she made them.
Her work with machines and programs would always be her favorite type of work… but there were times where the physical changes she could watch in real time while cooking were the slightest bit more satisfying to watch unfold. It always filled her with an energetic, proud feeling to see the fruits of her labor come to fruition after working tirelessly on her computer or with some spare parts— and the process of watching foods form together to make something more amazing than the sum of its parts was similarly gratifying!
…Or, well, usually it was. Sometimes her recipes didn’t turn out quite right, and… well… more than sometimes they didn’t end up all that tasty as the images looked on her phone…
But- b-but she was getting better! Improvement took time, after all, and she was sure she was improving! Especially with what help she’d had from the likes of—
“I knew I smelled chocolate!~”
“Eep!”
Fuuka nearly knocked over the bowl of batter as Kotone snuck up behind her, startling her from her distracted thoughts. You would think someone who practically always had headphones on might make a bit more noise when moving around!
“Kotone-chan! You scared me…” Despite herself, Fuuka smiled. A few months ago, she might’ve receded into herself and started stumbling over her own words when put alone in a room with Kotone… or anyone else at SEES, really— and sometimes she did regress into her more cowardly self depending on the situation.
Sometimes feelings of embarrassment and inadequacy would have her hunching away from the situation at hand, or a particularly dangerous Tartarus trip would leave her unsure of how competent and trustworthy she really was to be playing such a vital role in their expeditions… but Fuuka also knew better of her friends and their expectations. She had come to learn so much about them over the past few months.
Yukari seemed a little confrontational and aggressive at first… but that was only because she was so passionate about everything she did, especially when it came to what was right for her friends!
Junpei came on a little strong, and maybe some would construe his intentions as odd or perverted… but he really did mean well. Even if his jokes didn’t always land, more often than not he knew how to ease the tension and make everyone smile!
Akihiko always seemed out of everyone's league in a sense she never knew how to describe, and with how sought over he had seemed to be it always felt as if he was untouchable… but really, he was as approachable as anyone else! He was headstrong, sure, but only because he cared about those around him, especially his juniors!
Aigis… w-well, Fuuka had never been off put or timid around Aigis— quite the opposite, actually… but Aigis was more than just an android to dissect to her! For all that was inherently amazing about Aigis by her design, there was just as much lovely about her as a person! Watching her grow into her human heart had been as fascinating to watch from afar as it was heartwarming to stand by her friend as it happened, and it still was happening.
She didn’t know Ken the best… but he’d reminded her a lot of herself in a lot of ways. A little shy, maybe even reserved from everyone as he tried to find a way he fit in… but he was eager to find that way in, to be helpful and an equal to them all, despite his young age. She always thought it so admirable… if not kind of adorable, but she wouldn’t say that aloud and risk making him think she was trying to be demeaning.
Koromaru… was a good boy! She hadn’t thought herself a dog person before, if even a pet person— but she certainly was now!
Mitsuru had always been such an intimidating figure. She seemed detached yet well rehearsed in everything she did, just like the group she shared a namesake with… but that couldn’t be further from the truth! Behind her icy exterior, she was as caring and invested in both those around her and their problems as could be!
Shinjiro was kind of similar, in that sense, even if she sometimes still found herself a little nervous around him… he never showed it much, even comparatively to someone more reserved like Mitsuru, but she knew he had a softer side to him buried behind his rough exterior. She knew it to be true when he stepped in to help her cook something while Kotone was sick!
And Kotone… Kotone.
It had been almost easy to think of her on another level entirely, when they weren’t as well acquainted… on the night when she first awakened to her persona in order to protect herself and Natsuki… Kotone had seemed so ruthlessly efficient on the battlefield. Everyone followed her orders to a tea, without even a semblance of doubt in that she’d lead them astray or fail to live up to expectations.
In the way some of her senpais seemed distant and untouchable from their status’ above her… she’d seen that of Kotone in the flesh. Switching between multiple Personas, almost effortlessly ensuring the safety of both the rest of SEES as well as her and Natsuki on that fateful night without a second thought… it had set the bar high. Almost impossibly high. When Fuuka deliberated over whether to join or not— if she would fit among those already at SEES or not… it was hard not to consider Kotone first and foremost. To really think if she could live up to the kind of person she thought Kotone was… someone who she knew more by their prowess than their person.
And then…
…Then it turned out Kotone was so freaking sweet!
She was outgoing, she was eccentric, she was sometimes kind of sarcastic and silly and she was so confident and friendly! She was aloof, and sometimes a little spacy, and she smiled at everyone everywhere she went, and she loved so vocally! She loved her friends, she loved food, she loved music and sports and dogs and especially Koromaru and— and—
And she was just so… Human.
Everyone at SEES… all of her friends… they were human, just like her. Despite how confident and amazing they looked on the outside— all of them were just like her, doing what they thought was best and trying to make the best of it… even if they weren’t always perfect.
She trusted in their greatness, and in turn they trusted in hers— even when she couldn’t always see it. Especially Kotone… and especially when it came to her cooking.
“Sorry, sorry… you just make it too easy to not sneak up on you sometimes.” Kotone couldn’t help but giggle, and Fuuka couldn’t help but join in— not in the least bit offended. “You seemed pretty interested in that batter there. It’s got you making your Fuuka face!”
“Huh? My… what about my face?” She blinked owlishly at Kotone, not having the slightest idea on what she was talking about.
“Your Fuuka face!” Kotone repeated, as if that in of itself was clarity. As Fuuka continued to just stare at her, she cracked a more teasing smile. “You do it all the time whenever you get all focused and serious… Like when you’re using Lucia to look ahead for us, or working on your computer and deep in thought… You just kind of look like—” Kotone stood up straighter and pursed her lips, furrowed her brows, and stared at Fuuka with such an odd intensity it made her suppress a shiver.
“I don’t— do I really look that intimidating?” She couldn’t help but ask, the slightest bit flustered by how quickly’s expression faded back into her usual bubbly smile.
“You kinda do! You kinda do… not that it’s a bad thing, mind you. You just get really invested, you know? You’re in the zone!”
“I mean… I-I guess that makes sense.” She couldn’t help but laugh a little, despite herself. “Now that I think about it… You’re kind of the same way when we’re in Tartarus!”
“Oh really?” Kotone tilted her head, her smile portraying the utmost innocence. It was a far cry from how domineering she could act when it came to moment to moment call outs on the front lines…
“Yeah… it sure makes me glad I’m not a shadow. You’re a really powerful leader when you need to be!”
Kotone leaned onto the nearby counter, letting out a soft, pleased hum as she glanced at Fuuka's batter. As she did, Fuuka could’ve sworn she’d seen the slightest twitch to Kotone’s lips, but before she could even register if it was there at all— it was gone.
“You cookin’ yourself up a late breakfast or something? ‘Cause if you’re trying to make for the whole dorm, that’s not nearly enough batter.” Kotone turned back to her, catching her staring as she flustered from the sudden change in topic.
“Oh! Uhm… y-yeah! To the first one, I mean… I don’t think I’m good enough to cook for everyone yet. But… but I think I will be soon!” ‘Hopefully’ went unsaid between them. She saw it in Kotone’s placating smile, even if Kotone was too kind to voice it aloud.
Sweet as she was— Kotone never lied to her. Fuuka, naturally, had turned to her first and foremost to join her little impromptu cooking club at school and to help taste test her first passes in the hobby. Outside of Shinjiro, she was one of the only ones in the dorm who had a good general handle on making meals, and even outside of that she seemed to have a hearty appreciation for food. Fuuka had thought, as a result, she would be the perfect fit to join her club as a taste tester at the very least!
To say Kotone’s feedback with her first taste test had been a wakeup call would be putting it lightly though.
She’d never seen the girl leave a plate anything less than empty, after all, much less stop chewing mere moments into the dish, choke out a raspy cough with the turn of her head, and proceed to chug a lot of water after her very first bite…
It did hurt her feelings a little, despite all of Kotone’s reassurances. It was hard to not feel like Kotone’s words and her actions hadn’t matched up, considering the unshed tears in her eyes after she forced herself to swallow down the fist bite while trying to claim it wasn’t the worst thing for a first try… because what could possibly be a worse reaction to food than looking a little sickly after eating it?
But despite that disheartening outcome, and the many, many, many less than stellar dishes following it… she tried not to let it get her down! Kotone, despite her many botched attempts, was always at least willing to give her meals a chance and try to guide her in the right direction after the fact!
It made her feel as if she could really do it… like she could really provide something useful for everyone, if she kept working at it. And she had been working at it!
“I think you will be too. You’ve been getting better, you know!”
And it really was hard to feel any differently with such earnest encouragement, even if it made her the slightest bit flustered. Praise, even in the wake of her own mediocrity, isn’t something she’s at all used to.
“I… t-thank you.” She manages to get out without growing too flushed. “If— uhm— if you’d like to try some, I should have it done soon enough! It’ll only take a few minutes to cook, if you don’t mind waiting.”
“You know… call it coincidence, but it just so happens I’ve got a few minutes to kill for specifically that before I get back to my super busy schedule.” With the click of her tongue, Kotone hopped back onto the countertop to the side of the stove, legs swinging about.
“Really?” Fuuka blinked. “Because I… I mean if you’re busy or short on time you don’t need to, you don’t have to just sit around and wait!”
Kotone always seemed to have something to do or someone to go and meet… it was hard to recall a time where Kotone wasn’t doing something, at least not alone. The last thing she wanted to do was hold her up from meeting up with someone, or make her late to a mid day job, or hold her back from studying since exams were coming up in a few weeks, or… uhm…
…For whatever reason Kotone was just kind of… staring at her? She was smiling in an odd, almost coy way— seemingly bemused. Had Fuuka missed a joke somewhere? Kotone could play tongue and cheek at times, but Fuuka never really knew how to pick up on it, and as far as she was aware she hadn’t said anything that could be—
…Oh.
“You don’t have anything to do right now… do you?” Fuuka sighed out fondly.
“Nope.” Kotone popped the p, shaking her head with the most entertained smile on her face. “I’m your taste tester to be for however long you got’ve to spare, Fuuka-chan! That or your assistant chef if you want an extra set of hands…”
“No— to the latter, I-I mean. You can taste test it, it’s just… I need to do this on my own, you know?” She wouldn’t learn much of anything if she let Kotone guide her through the whole process, not to mention that would defeat the point in the first place of trying to build up a skill for the sake of providing for others if Kotone just did it for her…
Kotone nodded regardless, folding her legs.
“‘Course I do.” She hummed, offering a gentle smile. “Don’t let me stop you from getting it done then. I didn’t come just to distract you anyhow!”
Oh, right, right! She needed to keep stirring— she’d nearly forgotten!
With her mind refocused, she got right back to it!
The batter still felt a little gooey and runny against the stirring spoon, even after all that time it’d been sitting… all and all, that probably meant it needed more care put into it, didn’t it? So, despite the directions advocating for a mild amount of stirring, she kept at it.
Eventually the batter grew a little more firm and hard, and she felt fairly assured at that! Pancakes needed to be solid, after all, so the batter getting kind of hard meant she was on the right track… right?
She spared a quick glance at Kotone as if she were an active teacher roaming around the room during a test, as if hoping her friend's expression would somehow help her gauge if she’d done good.
Kotone simply smiled at her as their eyes caught for a moment— no indication of anything out of the ordinary, so… that was probably a good sign!
Wordlessly with a more confident smile all her own, she poured the full batter into the pan— which seemed much more efficient than doing it bit by bit! The recipe had called for her to melt some butter in it before putting the batter in, but she thought ahead and put whatever extra butter she’d have needed now in with the rest of it when she was first separating the ingredients for proficiencies sake! So now all she had to do was let it cook!
And so she did. The time flew by fast enough, and soon the pancake started to give off a faint chocolate scented aroma that seemed promising… or, at least it would’ve been if she better knew what pancakes were supposed to smell like, because chocolate was just about all she could smell, and the batter wasn’t really bubbling as much on the underside as the guide said it was supposed too…
But— uhm— that was probably fine! She hadn’t even flipped it yet, so… there was still plenty of time for it to turn out well!
Grabbing the nearby spatula hanging up, with one hand firmly on the pan, Fuuka moved to flip the half-baked pancake over.
It didn’t move.
With a hint of trepidation and a harder grip on the spatula, she tried again— only for the spatula to graze against the bottom harshly, pushing up on the pancake in the one spot she had it under as the rest of it attempted to stay firmly attached to the pan.
She tried not to panic.
“Do you want any help…?”
She was doing a really bad job it.
“N-no! No, I— It’s okay!” She was quick to assure, a nervous grimace on her face as she awkwardly shifted the spatula back and forth in an attempt to sever the pancake from the pan, bits of the pancakes not nearly so perfectly golden brown crust being left sticking to it in the process. “I can do this!”
Kotone, thankfully, didn’t press the issue or allow her carefree smile to slip. At least one of them wasn’t suddenly feeling helplessly lost in the situation…
Eventually she got the pancake fully detached from the pan and flipped over, and try as she might, it was hard not to let her dissatisfaction show. The coloring didn’t look very well spread, with parts of the pancake’s top looking more thoroughly cooked than others… probably because it had taken her half a minute to scrape different parts of it up off the pan. And even outside the coloring— the pancake itself looked a little torn and malformed, with dark splotches of chocolate bunched up in certain areas around the top… and that wasn’t even mentioning how bloated it looked. Normal pancakes weren’t nearly so big, or at least none she’d ever had were…
…She would be lying to say it looked editable, but the fact it didn’t exactly make her eager to try it herself probably said enough about how well she did and how far she’d fallen short of her own expectations, even if she came in knowing she wasn’t very good…
…W-well, that was fine! She could always do better on the next—
She suddenly went stiff, a dreadful realization flowing through her as her own incompetence shined through in the moment.
She couldn’t make another pancake, this was the whole batter she’d used. There was nothing left to make more pancakes with.
That’s why the recipe told her to space it out instead of doing it all at once… she’d been so distracted with her own rationale of what would be more efficient, she hadn’t even thought through a good reason on why the original recipe was how it was.
She tried not to let her half heartedness show even as she finished up the pancake, knowing it was really the only chance she had at making a good one until they went shopping again. She needed to scrape up the other side more as it stuck harshly to the pan, though with some new foresight and a better idea of how to do it— this time it didn’t take nearly as long. This side looked a little better than the other… but the fact they weren’t nearly identical in the first place was its own little disappointment.
Soon the stove turned off, the burnt pieces of pancake were scraped off the pan, and one giant pancake was plopped down on a plate on the counter, with its stiff, non-rounded corners oozing off the sides.
She doesn’t say anything once it's done, and she’s not sure she even really wants to. It’s hard to feel proud in any sense of the word, considering just how… bad it looks, but worse yet— Kotone watched the whole thing.
For all the bad and awful dishes she’d concocted and fed to Kotone… she hadn’t watched her do it. Now, having sat there for nearly the whole time, Kotone surely saw through and through how flawed her process was. She’d really, really thought she had something at least half decent this time… and somehow she’d made…
That…
“...So.” Kotone spoke up eventually, tone cool and calm. “Who should take a bite first, do you think? You or me?”
She had to suppress a wince. She wasn’t sure she herself wanted to try it. It probably tasted just as awful if not worse than that first bento box she made!
“I don’t…” She pushed down the sinking feeling in her chest, shaking her head. “It’s fine, Kotone-chan. You don’t have to try it…”
“You don’t want me too?”
She couldn’t help but sputter for a moment, not quite sure how to respond to that. “Do you want to try it?”
Kotone shrugged, as if indifferent. “If you’ll let me. Your choice though. Do you want me to try it?”
…She really did, despite knowing she’d already messed up the overall meal. Hesitantly, she nodded her head and pushed the guilty feeling in her chest down, wanting to take Kotone’s word that she really didn’t mind taste testing the failed food in front of them both. She wasn’t being selfish or pushy if Kotone wanted it… right?
She supposed that was right, considering Kotone just nodded right back, grabbed a fork and knife, and cut into the pancake to secure herself a bite.
Considering the hardness of the pancake as Kotone cut through it and the perplexed look on her face as she did so, Fuuka was already having second thoughts.
“A-actually, you don’t-”
Before she could back down and insist on throwing away the failure, Kotone had stuck the bite in her mouth and began chewing- and suddenly Fuuka went silent and stiff, trying to gauge Kotone’s reaction as she waited with baited breath.
Kotone swallowed it down after a few seconds, nose wrinkling for a moment as Fuuka balanced on her heels, hands clasped together tightly.
“Is… is it any good?” She asked meekly, to which Kotone’s face went blank for a moment.
“...It was…” Kotone trailed off, expression focused with the same intensity as if she were considering which of her many, many Personas to use against a powerful shadow. “...It was really stiff, but also kind of chewy. Not soft and fluffy, but… chewy.” Kotone reached over to grab a glass from the cupboard, running it under the sink's tap water for a moment as she stifled a curt cough. “I couldn’t make much flavor out of it, and there was a harder chunk of chocolate mixed into part of it…”
Fuuka waited for an elaboration, a ‘but…’ as Kotone held up her water and greedily chugged it down.
None came, the other girl just let out a relieved sigh after washing out her mouth. Fuuka felt her shoulders slump, disappointment pooling in her gut.
“It was awful, wasn’t it…?”
“It was edible.” Kotone amended, to which Fuuka just shook her head and leaned back against the counter, rubbing at her eyes.
“But it tasted terrible… didn’t it?”
“...It wasn’t my favorite pancake I’ve ever had.” Kotone drummed her fingers against the countertop, contemplative. “But you’re getting a lot better.”
Kotone was being nice, she knew that, but at this point it almost felt a little derivative. She could have eaten pancakes Shinjiro-senpai made that had been dumped onto the floor and probably still favored them– because really. Even if she was getting better, how could they still be so bad that Kotone couldn’t even bring herself to say they hadn’t tasted terrible…?
She wasn’t the strongest girl, or the one with the most powerful will– she knew that. But Fuuka thought herself above crying over spilled milk, or a bad batch of pancakes. She wasn’t so weak that she was ready to give up and tear up over the occasional failure, but really, now she felt just about ready to cry with some odd mix of exasperation, frustration and hopelessness.
Her legs moved automatically as she made her way out of the dorm's kitchen area and to the lounge, collapsing onto the couch as she buried her face in her hands. It wasn’t exactly productive or helpful to just stew in her own frustration and misery, but… god was she just tired of it. To try so, so hard and fail so spectacularly in another way when she’d been so sure she was improving… Cooking wasn’t even that specialized a skill! Most people were expected to know how to do it at her age, at least in some capacity, and especially girls! But she was just awful at it…
She lingered on the couch, head in her hands for a little bit. Saying nothing and trying not to focus on the shift in the cushion under her as someone sunk into the couch beside her.
“...I wasn’t just saying that just to say it, you know.” A tentative voice spoke up, so soft and understanding and undeservingly patient with someone making so little progress and wasting so much food in the progress. “You really are getting better, I mean it.”
She let out an unconscious sniff– not quite crying, but sufficiently having worked herself up as she rubbed at her eyes and shook her head.
“I-I know. You’re… you’re not the type to just… say it j-just to say it.” She parsed a glance at Kotone, the girls lips pursed into a soft, sympathetic frown as she sat next to her. “I just…”
She trailed off, unable to articulate what was apparently obvious. That her best still wasn’t good enough. That her improvement was just barely above a flat line. That she was wasting her own and Kotones time, not to mention all the food, by doing all this. All she did was sniff again and slump back into the couch, sinking into the fabric.
Kotone didn’t say anything in return. She just slumped back right beside her, her shoulder brushing against Fuuka’s own like a silent invitation– and almost without thinking, she found her head resting against Kotone’s shoulder, as Kotone’s head came to rest on her own.
Fuuka wasn’t sure how much time had passed as they sat like that. Her mind simply mindlessly drifted off to thinking about nothing in particular as she closed her eyes, focused on little more than her breathing and the found comfort in the warmth and subtle pressure of Kotone’s body pressed against hers.
When she finally went to move herself, Kotone retracted herself near instantly. She let out a sigh, unable to help the flush to her own cheeks as she offered Kotone an embarrassed smile.
“S-sorry about that. I probably shouldn’t have been so upset over just some bad pancakes… especially not enough to where you needed to comfort me like that.” She chuckled weakly, mostly feeling better– even if she was more than a little flustered. She knew Kotone could be touchy feely, and she honestly didn’t mind at all! But that little moment between them had felt oddly… intense…? Or– no. Intimate, maybe?
Regardless, it seemed kind of silly and overblown over just some bad food…
“Ahh no worries!” Kotone waved her hand, her ever present smile practically glowing. “I get it. Sometimes it’s not even the little things that get you so worked up, it’s just… all of it kinda hitting you at once. We’re kinda under a lotta pressure in our day to day, y’know?”
“Yeah.” She let out a soft little giggle, finding Kotone to have hit it on the head more or less. “Yeah I guess it is kind of silly…”
“Nah, you’re all good.” Kotone pulled her by the shoulder, shaking her a little bit as Fuuka couldn’t help but let out a less restrained laugh, cheeks heating up from the touch and movement as Kotone sat mere inches away from her. “And, honestly, even if it really was just the pancakes– I wouldn’t blame ya. I’ve cried over spilled milk before, you know.”
“R-really?” She blinked at Kotone, unsure if the girl was joking or not, to which the auburn haired girl shrugged her shoulders with a cheesy smile.
“I mean, not literally– but close enough to it. I’ve had plenty of disasters happen when I was first learning to cook too, and I used to get real upset over fucking up the recipies.”
Fuuka earnestly struggled to imagine Kotone of all people getting so upset over something so minor… Not that the girl wasn’t capable of stronger emotions– she could be passionate when needed, and downright scary when she was angry in the moment. But crying over a messed up meal? That didn’t sound much like Kotone at all.
“I honestly kind of struggle to imagine it…” She commented idly, to which Kotone rolled her eyes.
“Granted I was younger– probably, like, 6 or 7. Around that age when I first started learning how to cook, you know? But there were at least a handful or so times where I’d throw together the most unsafe, unsupervised meal known to man and make something terrible– but I was too stubborn a kid to just throw it out, you know? So I’d make myself eat it, even if it was awful, at least until my caretakers found me. Then they’d just throw it all out and lecture me for being such a stupid kid, and I’d stomp off crying about it.” Kotone rolled her eyes with a sly little grin, nudging her shoulder. “I was a bratty kid, you know that?”
Fuuka let out a softer laugh, though she was distracted enough by all Kotone said to find full humor in her story. Mostly, she found herself kind of confused. What kind of kid needed to learn how to cook by themselves when they were as young as 6? And caretakers?
Fuuka had heard something about Kotones parents through the grapevine, though she never chose to engage with gossip. Kotone herself never spoke about them, but the fact there were rumors at all was a little weird… Maybe the fact she had caretakers meant her parents were better off, like Mitsuru-senpais? Students did like to gossip about the more wealthy among them…
“That… kind of sounds more like you.” She admitted softly with a light smile, though her curiosity broke through in the end as she tilted her head. “Though, uhm– why’d you have to cook for yourself so young anyway? Why didn’t your… caretakers do it?”
Kotone blinked at her, the smile slipping off her face in an instant as Fuuka found herself a little surprised from the sudden shift in expression– though as quick as Kotone’s expression fell, she was smiling again, seeming almost abashed over the fact. Though, in all honesty, Fuuka thought she looked a little… startled? Like maybe she’d admitted something she hadn’t meant to?
“Well… my folks just weren’t really around, so… I put myself to the grindstone, I guess. I wanted to do stuff really impressive for a kid my age to show off I could be independent, so I mostly went behind my caretakers back to learn how to cook ‘n clean and do laundry and all that fun stuff.” Kotone chuckled, but it didn’t sound quite as freely flowing as before.
Fuuka waited for any sort of elaboration on why Kotone might’ve wanted that, or why her parents weren't around much when she was younger, or even if they were still absent in some way from her life now– but she didn’t get much of anything. Just Kotone’s easy going smile affirming to her everything was fine without words.
Fuuka figured that was reason enough not to push– Kotone would have elaborated if she felt it was something needing to be elaborated on, or if she felt trusting enough to divulge that. She could recognize well enough Kotone’s little story was just for the sake of helping her feel better anyway… and she felt kind of warm and fuzzy because of it, honestly– even if it brought all new questions to the forefront of her mind. Questions that made her unconsciously ask–
“How do you do it?”
“...Cooking, you mean?” Kotone raised an eyebrow, tone almost a little guarded.”Mostly just lots of practice over the years, so…”
“Oh no! Not that, I mean– sorry, I-I didn’t even really mean to say that aloud.” Fuuka laughed nervously, shifting in her seat as she struggled to look Kotone in the eye. “I guess I just mean, uhm… how do you always do… what you do?”
“Do… what I do?” Kotone repeated, her smile widening that little bit more genuinely as she let out a suppressed snort. “Think you’re gonna have to be a litttttle more specific.”
“I-I just– I think I mean everything?” Fuuka stammered, heat rising to her cheeks. She probably sounded so stupid right now! “I mean– you always just know exactly what to say, o-or do… And I mean with people, and in Tarturus, and just– in general, I-I guess?” Fuuka looked at her lap, fiddling with her fingers. “It’s… it’s like you always know just what to say or do with everyone and everything, and– and you’re always doing it too. There’s almost never a time where you’re not helping someone, or hanging out with friends, or being our leader in Tartarus. Like, you’re always moving and going and doing things and doing them so well that I–” Fuuka paused, pursing her lips as she raised up enough courage to look Kotone in the eyes. “...I guess I wish I knew how you did it, is all. It seems so exhausting, but… you always make it look so easy.”
Fuuka folded her hands in her lap, fingers interlocking as she swallowed down something a little bitter, brows furrowed. “...I don’t think I envy it, I-I mean. It’s not something I think I could manage, or that I’d want to anyway, but… I just– I-I look up to you, a lot, and not just you– the others too. And I’m always thinking about what more I can do, because even though I know what I do in Tarturus is important… I’m never there on the front lines, like you all are. I wish I could do… something more– even if it’s just being able to actually make you something that’s actually really, really tasty that you can have after a hard expedition during the dark hour, or even after a long day out on the town meeting and helping people. And… I guess what I mean is I really, really, really wish I could be more like you, even though I wouldn’t want to be you… I-If that makes sense?”
She felt like she just spewed out a load of word vomit that was barely comprehensible, as if she were adding a mix of half cooked thoughts and feelings ruminating in the back of her brain into a pan all at once only to pray nothing caught fire– and it certainly left her feeling more than a little stupid and flustered.
But thankfully, Kotone didn’t laugh at her, or give her a weird look, or anything rude or demeaning or anything like that– not that Fuuka thought she even would.
No, Kotone just let out a half laugh out her nose, shook her head and sighed.
“Yeah, yeah I think it does…” Kotone paused for a moment, glancing over the back of the couch for a moment before turning back to Fuuka. “...It’s not easy, you know. Keeping up with it all, I mean– sometimes it is a lot, and it can be a little tiring but… It’s easy to want to do it.” Kotone flashed her a smile that radiated warmth and sincerity better than any smile Fuuka had perhaps seen on the auburn haired girl, an odd shiver running up her spine. “Spending time with everyone– with you, that’s the easy part, you know? Especially ‘cause you’re not me, because, let me tell you, if you were me– I wouldn’t want to be around you nearly as much.”
“I–” Fuuka opened her mouth, struggling to find the right words. “But you’re so nice to be around!”
“Sure.” Kotone shrugged, as if not completely sold on the idea, the distance between the both of them feeling infinitesimally smaller than it had a mere moment ago as Kotone shifted to better look her in the eyes. “But I’m not much of a narcissist. I’d much rather spend my days with Fuuka Yamagishi than another version of myself, you know? Because… Fuuka Yamagishi is the kind of sweet, awesome person that even thinks to try and make me snacks and meals after a long stay at Tarturus, regardless of how the food turns out. And to that effect…” Kotone pursed her lips, face growing an odd intensity to it for a mere moment. “I’d sooner spend the rest of my life eating the food you make than go back to making it all on my own. You know that? No matter how it tastes.”
Fuuka wished she could say Kotone was joking, maybe hamming it up or exaggerating for dramatic effect– but the look in Kotone's eyes seemed so… intense, as if she’d never said anything before or maybe ever would after with the same kind of earnest conviction. Fuuka honestly couldn’t help but believe it to be true, even if the very idea sounded absurd.
And maybe because of that, she found herself flushing even hotter, sitting with her mouth agape, unable to articulate quite how an overbearing declaration made her feel.
“I mean it.” Kotone assured, face unusually serious for a moment longer before an easy going smile wormed its way back onto her face, moving to nudge her shoulder with her elbow again. “Especially because if we’re in it for the long haul… who knows how good you’ll get, yeah? If I give it a few years, I’ll end up with my own 5 star chef here at home!”
“I-I–” She paused, heat radiating off her shoulder where Kotone bumped her. Why was her heart hammering so awkwardly fierce in her chest? Why had Kotone phrased that as if they’d be living together in the foreseeable future, perhaps even after? Kotone called it ‘home’-- why did that word feel right? Why did she think of just a dorm as kind of being ‘home’ now too? And why did the idea of them living together in it for a few more years make her feel a little lightheaded? “Y-you don’t– I– wouldn’t other people make y-you food though? I mean I– i-it’s not like we’re–”
“Fuuka.” Kotone snorted out her nose, patting her back softly. “You’re going to make me feel bad if you get any redder.”
“W-what?!” She squeaked out, moving to try and cover her face. “I–”
“I’m not trying to embarrass you, honest! I do mean it though.” Kotone’s voice sombered a little from her bemused tone. “Really, I appreciate the time we spend together– no matter what your cooking skills are like. You know that, right?”
Not trusting her voice, and suddenly feeling a whole lot more emotional, Fuuka just nodded her head.
“And, like I said. You’re getting better– and you’re only going to get better– and that’s not happening because of me, or Shinjiro, or anyone else. It’s because you are putting in the effort to improve.” Kotone put a hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently– as if to draw her back to reality. “You’re not much like me in a lot of ways, but you’re perfectly wonderful and amazing in all your own ways, and… I’m glad you’re you. ‘Kay?”
God– she might actually end up crying after all.
Perhaps partly to hide her embarrassment, or the unshed tears threatening to spill out, she suddenly lunged forward to envelop Kotone– throwing her head around the girl's shoulder as she pulled her in tight. Kotone’s body stiffened in surprise for a moment, before her arms ultimately wrapped back around her in return.
They stayed like that for a moment, long enough for Fuuka to bask in Kotone’s presence for a bit and calm herself down to not make a complete fool of herself, eventually pulling away with a shuttering sigh.
“Thanks…” She said, sounding a little lame even to her own ears as she smiled flusteredly. “Uhm– f-for everything! I mean.”
“Sure. And thank you for everything too.” Kotone smiled softly before moving to stand, stretching exaggeratedly as she sighed. “Now… What do you say we both head back to the kitchen and take another whack at breakfast, huh? I’m kinda famished by now.”
“O-oh! Right– uhm– I didn’t mean to keep you from eating! I’m so sorry!”
“Nah, you’re good. No worries…” Kotone flashed her a toothy grin. “How about this time we work together though, and I can show you some pointers for you to try out next time on your own?”
The idea of being helped before had felt kind of wrong… like she was somewhat defeating the point of even cooking in the first place– like she’d stand to barely improve at all if she couldn’t figure it out on her own.
But now… now the idea of Kotone helping her get the ropes, helping her improve– It caused a pleasant thrumming in her chest and flooded her with a warmth she couldn’t quite place. And despite how flustered it made her feel… she wasn’t exactly eager to make the feeling go away this time.
“S-sure!” She cringed at her own airy voice and the stammer that came with it. “I would really appreciate any tips you might have!”
“Oh it won’t be that serious!” Kotone snorted, offering a hand to pull her up as Fuuka gladly accepted it, fingers twitching as Kotone retracted her touch. “It’ll be a casual, fun thing! I’ll just keep you on course if anything starts to veer off, ‘kay?”
“R-right! That… yeah! Casual and fun!”
As the two made their way back to the kitchen, the atmosphere lifted into something much more fitting of the ‘casual and fun’ vibe Kotone was insistent they have, Fuuka couldn’t help the lightness in her chest. It was as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and something imperceptibly comforting and warm had nestled in its place.
What exactly it was, she wasn’t quite sure yet. But the important thing was she was more than happy to be Kotone’s friend, and she was even more happy that Kotone seemed just as eager to be her friend.