Chapter Text
It starts at rehearsal, because it always starts at rehearsal. Despite the many hours they’ve spent in the practice room already, Sophia can tell her girls are still giving it their all. Now, the leader is sitting by the door, watching a rather comedic scene unfold. You and Dani leap dramatically around Manon while Megan claps and sings some pop song purposefully out of tune. She watches Manon get playfully frustrated, wrapping her arms around your waist as you pretend to fight her off. Lara and Yoonchae sit against the floor-to-ceiling mirror, engrossed by something on Lara’s phone. Sophia thinks its probably a deep-dive through someone’s Instagram by the Lara keeps making a pinched face and Yoonchae won’t stop giggling. Her phone buzzes and Sophia looks down at a message from Missy for just a second when you walk by her too fast. She calls your name, and when you don’t respond, she looks to the others, her leader instincts telling her something is wrong.
“Bathroom.” Manon says, sensing Sophia’s apprehension, and she relaxes again. She looks back down into her own Instagram feed when Son claps his hands, signaling the end of their break. Her eyes sweep the room, pausing when she realizes you’re not back yet. Yoonchae seems to realize the same thing because she starts towards the practice room door.
“I’ll go check, don’t worry.” Sophia nods, alarm bells already sounding in her head. Yoonchae’s sneakers squeak as she walks out of the practice room and the girls can hear her call your name, the door to the bathroom swinging open, then slamming shut, then nothing. Son shuffles his hands, impatient, and a few agonizing moments pass until they hear a voice call Sophia’s name.
“Yoonchae?” And suddenly Sophia’s feet are moving her towards the door because she can hear Yoonchae calling for her in the same voice the younger one uses when she’s getting nervous before a performance. The voice that says she needs help right now. The rest of the girls, recognizing her tone, exchange worried looks before beginning to follow Sophia out the door. Sophia stops them with a shake of her head.
“No, stay. It could be nothing. Just stay here for a second.” She’s not fooling anyone, they all know it's definitely something, but the rest of Katseye listens to their leader nonetheless. Well, except for Megan who continues after Sophia even after the Philipina gives her another pointed look.
“It doesn’t always have to be just you.” The pink haired girl says as they reach the hallway. Sophia wants to protest, to tell her that its her job as the leader to care for her members, but she decides not to waste precious seconds arguing with Megan when Yoonchae makes another distressed call of Sophia’s name.
Her voice seems to be coming from the bathroom a short walk down the hallway. She pushes the door open and Sophia is suddenly so grateful Megan is less than a half-step behind her because neither of them are ready for the sight on the bathroom floor. They’re met with the image of Yoonchae kneeling, nervous and trembling, in front of your crumpled, shaking form. The maknae’s head turns as she hears the bathroom door open and when Sophia meets her eyes, she can see her fighting tears back. A million questions rise to the surface. Are you hurt? What happened? How did she miss this? Sophia is momentarily paralyzed, her body can’t decide where to go or what to do. She’s torn between rushing to your side and asking every question pinballing inside her brain. Yoonchae makes the decision for her.
“Unnie, Sophia. She’s not breathing. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know what to do. I-” Megan cuts her off by gently grabbing her by the teenager’s frantically moving wrists and pulling her up to stand with them.
“Okay, okay. Yoonchae. You also need to breathe. Can you do that for me?” Yoonchae obeys as Megan begins to speak again. “You did a really good job calling for us okay? I think she’s having a panic attack. Can you go tell Manon please?” Yoonchae nods slowly and Sophia can see the wet shine on her cheeks under the harsh fluorescent lights. She reaches out to rub her shoulder for a moment, sensing Yoonchae’s hesitation to leave you.
“You did so good, mahal. We got her now, she’s going to be okay, okay?” Yoonchae nods again, calmer, and disappears out the door to go tell the others, leaving you, Megan, and Sophia alone. “Panic attack?” She whispers as they both move toward you slowly. Megan nods, more familiar with the signs of anxiety and panic after living with it her whole life. Your breathing is shallow and laboured, and Sophia knows you’re not getting enough oxygen with your face buried in your arms.
“Honey? It’s Megan and Sophia. Can we come closer? We’re not going to hurt you, baby.” Megan’s tone is the same one she uses when Manon cries for her mom in the middle of the night and Sophia wonders when the younger girl became so grown-up. She winces when you don’t respond, realizing just how far deep into your head you’ve fallen.
The two of them slowly move close to avoid scaring you further but still very aware that you’re not breathing right. Sophia drops to her knees on the cold tile and the jolt of pain she feels is the furthest thing from her mind right now. She very gently moves to cup your face while its still tucked into your arms and her grimace deepens as she feels how stiff your muscles are. Sophia slowly lifts your face toward the ceiling and the look of overwhelming fear, panic, and shame etched into your features nearly knocks the wind out of her.
She notices instantly the way you immediately move to avoid her eyes and the way a fresh round of tears spills down your cheeks. It dawns on her that this isn’t the first panic attack you’ve hidden from them. How long has this been going on? She wonders. Weeks? Months? Years? How long have you suffered in silence when your girls were right there? How many nights have you spent in hell when they were right next door?
Sophia is ripped out of her own head when you open your mouth and she finds her words of comfort in quiet Tagalog.
“Breathe, mahal. You need to breathe. You’re okay. It’s okay now, we got you.” You give no indication that you can hear her, your gaze still unfocused and eyes glassy.
Whether you know it or not, you lean a little into her palms still cupping your cheeks, resting more of your head onto her hands. She quietly takes in the way your body involuntarily seeks the comfort you were too scared to ask for. Megan begins to speak, her voice soft and steady. She begins to coax you into taking a full breath and while Sophia wishes she could take all of her member’s pain away, she is grateful that Megan knows how you feel right now.
They watch as you finally manage to suck in a full breath and the way you try to recoil into yourself again as you start to sob. Sophia’s hands on your face tighten, not to hurt you, but to apply enough pressure to stop you from jerking away from her. Megan stops counting breaths in favor of raking her nails through your hair and Sophia starts to speak.
“You’re safe. It’s okay, you can cry. We’re not going anywhere. You’re doing such a good job. It's okay mahal.” She keeps talking, her own anxieties momentarily settling as her brain slots into the familiarity of comforting one of her members. She must be doing something right because the rise and fall of your chest begin to steady and your sobs taper off into slow tears. This time when you begin to pull back from her, she lets you and your body loses some of its panic-induced rigidity. Despite her itching to get her arms around you, Sophia lets Megan pull you into a hug first, knowing the younger girl needs to feel your heartbeat steady for herself.
Megan pulls you away from the wall and Sophia winces as she sees the unforgiving pattern of the tiles imprinted into your back where your T-shirt has ridden up. She presses her palm flat against your back, under your rehearsal shirt, hoping that the skin on skin contact will help to further soothe the panic. She feels her phone buzz in her pocket and uses one hand to check the flurry of texts that she knows await her. There’s some from the management team, some from the Kats, but the one from Missy jumps out at her first.
Missy: I’ve been informed of the situation. Manon said to let you deal on your own. If you need backup, my phone’s on. Take tomorrow to talk to her. If you need help beyond that, we’ll talk to the company together. I don’t want to see your faces here until the day after. If you need me, I’m here.
Sophia’s stomach fills with both hope and dread, already trying to figure out how they’re going to actually talk about this tomorrow. How does someone even start that conversation? She wonders. You’ve been having panic attacks and didn’t tell the girls you consider to be your family? Sophia switches to read the message sent in group chat Manon has created with the other members of Katseye, excluding you.
Manz: She had a panic attack? Yoonchae said you were okay to deal on your own, but we’re all here if you need anything, or want us to come in and just sit.
You: That's what we’re thinking.
Chip: Is she okay????
YES!: u need anything?
Chip: want some company?
The Philipina’s fingers stall over the keyboard. She doesn’t want her members’ to think they’re being pushed away, even if they kinda are, and she doesn’t want to tell them just how afraid you’ve been of her and Megan. She knows that you being afraid of them is going to be a crushing blow and she wants to be there to support the others when they learn the true extent of your struggles.
You: We’re okay for right now. We don’t want to overwhelm her, you know?
YES!: All good :)
Dani <3: manz and i r gonna take chip home
You: Perfect. Drive safe <3
Manz: yesss miss leader. See you at home :)
Sophia turns her phone off and turns her attention back to the task at hand, mainly getting you calm enough to leave the bathroom and go home.
She looks up, and sees your face pressed into Megan’s shoulder and meets the other girl’s honey eyes. They share a look and Sophia can tell Megan’s come to the same realization she had at the beginning. “Its going to be okay. Not your fault.” She mouths to Megan, who lets one of her own tears fall. Sophia puts her hand on Megan’s arm where it rests around your shoulder and squeezes. “We got her now.”
Megan nods just as you start to pull back from her, looking so small and defeated that Sophia just wants to wrap you up in a nest of blankets and throw flip-flops at anyone who tries to say anything mean to you ever again.
“I’m so sorry. You were never meant to see me like that.” Your voice cracks as you speak; your head is down, hair falling in front of your face as you still try to hide from them. Sophia thinks she might cry at this because you couldn’t be more wrong. Yes, they were supposed to be there when you cry, or panic, or the world feels too heavy. Sophia is confident that every single one of them would’ve wanted to have been there. Your statements confirm the worst for Sophia, that this wasn’t the first time you had panicked alone and afraid, scared of their reactions. Her fingers part the curtain of your hair and guide your chin upwards so she can look you in the eyes.
“No, none of that. You are not alone. Thank you for trusting us to keep you safe, mahal.” You won't meet her gaze, still stuck in your own shame. Megan’s hand slots into yours as she moves to say her own piece.
“You’re not alone anymore.” Sophia hears the dancer’s breath hitch, fighting to keep her voice steady. “You were never meant to be.” Megan punctuates her sentence by rubbing soothing circles across the back of your hand and Sophia swears she can see you give them the tiniest nod.
Your tears have slowed considerably, your heart and breathing calmer, and Sophia watches the physical exertion of your panic attack start to weigh on your body. Megan starts to stand up slowly, and Sophia follows her, gently guiding you to your feet. Sophia watches as Megan quickly checks her phone, no doubt reading the same texts she did as a small smile makes its way onto her face. You ask a question about Yoonchae because of course you do. As the two youngest members of the team, you two have been practically attached at the hip since Katseye’s debut. Sophia remembers how your perpetually sunny demeanor helped coax Yoonchae out of your shell and she grimaces as she wonders how much pain you felt that she didn’t see. Her grimace deepens as she thinks about how terrified Yoonchae must be right now.
“Yoonchae’s okay. She was just worried about you when you didn’t come back. She called for us. She just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Your breath quickens again. “No one is mad at you. We love you, honey. Take another deep breath.” You suck air into your lungs, letting it out slow like Megan had shown you earlier. “Yeah, just like that. Good. Really, really good. Manon and Dani took Yoonchae home already, okay?” You nod quickly, letting Megan open the bathroom door to guide you into the hallway.
When the three of you reach the doorway to the practice room lounge, Sophia is not surprised to see Lara waiting on one of the couches, knee bouncing anxiously. The leader knows she must have been itching to burst into that bathroom and comfort you herself. The Indian stands immediately, assessing your condition. Confident you won’t immediately fall over, Sophia lets go of your side, watching fondly as you fall into Lara’s outstretched arms.
The Philipina turns her head and sees the far away look in Megan’s eyes.
“You okay?” She asks quietly. “I know watching her suffer couldn’t have been easy.” Sophia seems to hit the nail on the head when Megan leans into her side, a small “yeah” falling from her lips. She lowers her voice, dropping to a whisper so you don’t hear, and Sophia has to lean in further to catch her next words.
“You didnt-You didn’t want me to hide right? Like you meant everything you said in there right?” Sophia’s heart clenches, afraid that this was where Megan’s thoughts had been leading her.
“Meimei. I’ve known you since you were fifteen. There has not been a time in all those years when I wanted you to hide from me. When I wanted any of you to hide any of your struggles. I’ve meant every word I’ve ever said to you. And thats never going to change. I love you, Meg.” Sophia moves to pull Megan into a proper hug as she sniffles.
“I know that. I just needed to hear it again.” The younger girl says, meeting Sophia’s own tear filled eyes.
“You don’t think this was the first time right?” She asks, continuing when Sophia nods. “I don’t understand. I trusted her, she’s seen me have panic attacks. She’s seen all of us on some of our worst days ever. Why couldn’t she trust me?” Sophia takes a moment to gather thoughts, trying to comfort Megan while also not talking for you.
“No, I don’t think this was her first panic attack alone, but it will be her last, okay? I think she’s really scared, Meg. None of this was your fault.” While there’s a lot that Sophia overthinks and questions, she’s going to start keeping score against the universe for things she gets right, because Megan nods again, letting her leader’s words quell her own thought spiral.
They rejoin you and Lara and slowly walk out into the parking lot. The night air seems to calm you further, because your constant tears have stopped by the time they usher you into the backseat of Sophia’s car.
The drive home is silent, save for the quiet music flowing through her speakers, and Sophia lets the sound wash over her. By the time she’s turning her car off in the driveway, Sophia feels more prepared than she has in hours. She listens to Lara whisper quiet assurances at you as she pulls both of your bags from her trunk.
Sophia suspects that you’re terrified to walk back into the house, to your girls and Sophia hopes Lara’s words have their desired effect. She smiles when Manon throws the door open and makes a dig at Megan’s driving and suddenly they’re not KATSEYE anymore, they’re just a family. She hears Daniela’s laugh and Lara’s stifled giggle and watches another little piece of tension leave your shoulders.
You toe your shoes off in the doorway, and Sophia watches as you and Yoonchae make eye contact. Their maknae waits anxiously in the kitchen doorway and no one comments when you beeline towards her, wrapping her up in your arms. Manon takes your bag from Sophia, leaning in to speak quietly.
“She has not sat down since getting back.” the older girl murmurs, eyes watching as you and Yoonchae begin to speak. “She was so scared, Soph.” Sophia knows where this is going, knowing Manon fears not being there enough for her members, not being able to say the right things. In reality her fears are completely unfounded, but Sophia knows they eat away at her regardless.
“Manz. You did everything you could for Yoonchae today. For everyone. You showed up where I couldn’t.” Manon nods, suddenly teary. Point Sophia, she thinks as Manon rests her head on the younger’s shoulder, taking her own deep breaths. From the corner of her eye, she catches Lara following you upstairs, presumably to the shower and Yoonchae dropping beside Megan on the couch. Sophia and Manon join Dani on the other side and the group falls into comfortable silence. It’s Lara that breaks the silence, appearing at the top of the stairs.
“She’s in the shower.” She says simply, flopping into the space between Megan and Manon. “What the hell happened?” There’s no heat or accusation in her tone, and that's part of what Lara does best, opening heavy conversations without making you feel like everything is your fault. There are some shared nods and then all eyes are on Sophia and Megan. Oh boy, here we go. Sophia thinks.
“We think she had a panic attack.” Sophia starts carefully. “And we don’t think its the first time.” The rest of the Kats share a confused look, waiting for her to continue. “They way she ran, the way she hid. She knew what was about to happen. She wanted to avoid our… judgement.” Confusion becomes realization becomes anguish.
“She said that we were ‘never supposed to see her like that’. She tried to apologize.” Megan says, her own tears spilling out. Lara grabs her hands, her own face wet. Daniela makes a choked sound, grabbing Sophia’s hand and leaning into Manon.
“She just seemed so scared.” Megan’s voice shakes and the leader watches her wipe away her tears with the back of her hand.
“What did she think was going to happen? In what world do we not love her? Or want to take care of her?” Manon’s voice shakes and it makes Sophia’s heart both swell and break.
“I don’t want to speak for her. We can do all that tomorrow. She probably felt like we would judge her. Or that we would burden us, or think that she was doing it for attention. This kind of reaction, this fear, doesn’t come from nowhere. People have reacted negatively to her, I can almost guarantee it. Thats why she felt like she couldn’t come to us.”
Megan’s voice wavers slightly and for the 100th time today, Sophia’s heart swells with pride at how far she’s come.
“What do we do now? Like how do we make her come to us?” Yoonchae asks.
“We don’t. We don’t make her do anything. We love her, and remind her that she’s safe here. All of her. We show up, and we take care of her. Show her the love she should’ve had. We don’t make a big deal out of it tonight.” Megan’s words sit sincere and genuine among them. Point Megan, Sophia thinks.
“She loves us. And we love her, she just needs a little help to see it right now.” Whoa. Two points Megan. There's a murmured round of ‘of course we do’s and general agreement before they hear the water shut off and Sophia goes upstairs to take her own shower. Under the hot spray, Sophia finally lets herself cry. Gentle sobs rack her body as all of her feelings demand to be felt. Her failure as their leader. Her friend, no, her sister suffering in silence. Her utter helplessness. Her inability to just take your pain away.
By the time she’s finally done, the bathroom is full of steam and obstructs her view so much that she almost doesn’t see Dani sitting on her bed as she makes her way out of the bathroom.
“Hey.” Is all she can think of to say.
“Sophia. Don’t ‘hey’ me. Today was a lot for you too. Don’t carry it all by yourself.” Daniela’s eyes track her as Sophia puts her pajamas on and then sits on the edge of her bed. “Sophia talk-”
“Dani. I cant- I can’t cry any more tonight. Can we please just rest?” Daniela’s dark eyes soften and she stands in front of Sophia wrapping her arms around the leader’s shoulders. Sophia leans her head against the dancer’s stomach and if Daniela feels the tears that slip out, she doesn’t mention it.
Manon appears in the doorway after a minute, her face wearing a soft smile. “Yoonchae wants to watch a movie. Are you in?” Her tone is light and airy and everything they need as they both walk towards the door. She turns to Daniela grinning as she speaks.
“Also, Megan has the remote. Good luck.” Daniela mutters a hushed expletive and rushes past them down the stairs. Sophia stops at the open door to the room you, Megan, and Lara share and takes in the sight of you lounging lazily on your bed. You look more relaxed then she’s seen in hours.
“Movie?” She questions. Lara perks up immediately.
“Sounds good, Soph.” She says as she moves to nudge your foot with her sock.
“Guys, I’m really tired.” You try to protest, because of course you. Lara’s having none of it, already pulling you into a sitting position.
“Girl. Be so for real. We’re all tired. You’re okay. Get your ass up.” Her eyes soften, and Sophia can see her choosing her next words carefully. “We want to help. Let us.” You continue to try to protest, but Sophia doesn’t miss the way your eyes meet hers as you walk out the door to your room. Its a very quiet, unnecessary, thank you.
Dani yelps from downstairs, followed by Megan’s laugh, while Manon slings an arm around your shoulders and the return of normalcy to the house makes Sophia feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The sight at the bottom of the stairs is one for sore eyes, and all the stress of the day starts to bleed out of Sophia.
She takes a step back and listens to you yelp as Dani pulls you over the back of the couch and despite spending so many hours of the day with you in her arms, Sophia feels compelled to keep you close. She drops to Daniela’s side and watches the movie Megan had insisted on watching for some reason. It actually draws Sophia in more than she was expecting and she only takes her eyes away from the screen when Dani nudges her arm. Confusion floods her mind for a second before she looks down into Daniela’s lap and she’s immediately reaching for her phone to take a picture.
Your cheek rests against Daniela’s chest, breathing softly as you doze. Your socked feet have made themselves at home in Manon’s lap as the older girl rubs one of your knees. One of Daniela’s arms is secured around your torso, keeping you flush against her, safe and content. The other one softly combs through your hair, scratching your scalp lightly. Dani’s words from a few months ago run through her head. I always wanted a little sister growing up. She stops keeping score against the universe for tonight because in this moment, she wins. By the time the credits roll, Sophia has spent more time watching you doze then following the plot. She watches Dani lift you from the couch, freezing for a moment as you begin to stir. Manon moves to run her finger through your hair and it seems to soothe you back to sleep enough for Daniela to carry you the rest of the way upstairs.
She settles you into your bed as softly as she can, smiling that little smile that makes Sophia’s heart so warm. Sophia herself moves to smooth out your blankets, tucking you in. She takes a moment to sit and run a hand through Lara’s hair and smooth a hand down Megan’s back just because she can. The tension in Sophia’s chest isn’t gone, but as she turns the light off and stands in the doorway, that warm fuzzy feeling comes back. The road ahead is scary and long and she’s worried for tomorrow but for tonight her girls are safe and warm and thats all that matters.